They had sat side by side the entire evening, and had talked of life and of its hidden things; or else had remained silent in the unspoken converse that is even sweeter to those who understand each other. 368
She had said of a mutual friend: “He is a man I admire; he has an ideal.”
“A thing but few of earth possess.”
“No; I think you are wrong. I believe all people have ideals. They must; life would not be life without.”
“You mean object rather than ideal. Does not an ideal mean something beautiful––something beyond––something we’d give our all for? Not our working hours alone, but our hours of pleasure and our times of thought. An ideal is an intangible thing––having much of the supernatural in its make-up; ’tis a fetish for which we’d sacrifice life––or the strongest passion of life,––love.”
“Is this an ideal, though? Could anything be beautiful to us after we’d sacrificed much of life, and all of love in its attainment? Is not everything that is opposed to love also opposed to the ideal? Is not an ideal, when all is told, nothing but a great love––the great personal love of each individual?”
He turned to the woman, and there was that in his face which caused her eyes to drop, and her breath to come more quickly. 369
“I don’t know. I’m miserable, and lonely, and tired. I’ve thought I had an ideal, and I followed it, working for it faithfully and for it alone. I’ve shown it to myself, glowing, splendid, when I became weary and ready to yield. I’ve sacrificed, in attempting its attainment, youth and pleasure––self, continually. Still, I’m afar off––and still the light beckons me on. I work day after day, and night after night, as ever; but the faith within me is growing weaker. Might not the ideal I worshipped after all be an earth-born thing, an ambition whose brightness is not of pure gold, but of tinsel? That which I have sought, speaks always to me so loudly that there may be no mistake in hearing.
“‘I am thy god,’ it says; ‘worship me––and me alone. Sacrifice––sacrifice––sacrifice––thyself––thy love. Thus shalt thou attain me.’
“One day I stopped my work to think; hid myself solitary that I might question. ‘What shall I have when I attain thee?’ I asked.