“Since we have stumbled upon this subject,” he said quietly, “let’s get to the bottom of it. I think probably it will be better for both of us. Just what would it mean to you, that five thousand dollars a year?”
“Don’t you know, Steve, without my telling you?”
“Perhaps; but I’d rather you told me unmistakably.”
As before the girl hesitated, longer this time; 52 involuntarily she drew farther back until she was completely hidden in the shadow.
“What it means to me you can’t help knowing, but I’ll repeat it if you insist.” She drew a long breath. Her voice lowered. “First of all, it would mean home, a home of my own. You don’t know all that that means because you’re a man, and no man really does understand; but to a woman it’s the one thing supreme. You think I’ve got one now, have had all my life; but you don’t know. Father and I live here. We keep up appearances the best we can; we both have pride. He holds his position in the University; out of charity every one knows, although no one is cruel enough to tell him so. We manage to get along somehow and keep the roof tight; but it isn’t living, it isn’t home. It’s a perpetual struggle to make ends meet. His time of usefulness is past, as yours will be past when you’re his age; and it’s been past for years. I never admitted this to a human being before, but I’m telling it to you because it’s true. We’ve kept up this—fight for years, ever since I can remember, it seems to me. We’ve never had income enough to go around. I haven’t had a new dress in a year. I haven’t the heart to ask for it. Everything I have has been darned and patched 53 and turned until it won’t turn again. It isn’t poverty such as they have on the East Side, because it isn’t frank and open and aboveboard; but it’s genteel poverty in the best street of the town: University Row. It’s worse, Steve, because it’s unadmitted, eternally concealed, hopeless. It isn’t a physical hunger, but again a worse one: an artistic hunger. I’m a college graduate with letters on the end of my name when I choose to use them. I’ve mixed with people, seen the niceties of life that only means can give, couldn’t help seeing them; and they’re all beyond my reach, even the common ones. If I didn’t know anything different I shouldn’t feel the lack; but I do know. I’m not even to blame for knowing. It was inevitable, thrust upon me. I’m the hungry child outside the baker’s window. I can look and look—and that is all.”
The voice ceased. Frankly, unhesitatingly, the face came out of the shadow and remained there.
“I think you understand now what I mean, Steve, unmistakably. I suppose, too, you think me selfish and artificial and horrid, and I shan’t deny it. I am as I am and I want things. To pretend that I don’t would be to lie—and I 54 won’t lie to you whatever happens. I simply won’t. We both know what your place in the University means; I perhaps better than you, because I’ve seen my father’s experience. I don’t often get bitter, but I come very near it when I look back and think how my mother had to plan and scrimp. I feel like condemning the whole University to the bottomless pit. I suppose Margery Randall would resent it if I told her so, but honestly I pity her; the more so because I’ve always envied her in a way. She’s not used to denying herself anything, and there’s bound to be a reckoning. It’s inevitable, and then—I don’t like to think of how it will be then. It’s a tragedy, Steve, nothing more or less.”
Opposite the man sat motionless in his place looking at her. All trace of his usual lounging attitude was absent. He was not even smoking. For almost a full minute after she was done he sat; then he arose abruptly. This time he did not offer to come over to her.
“So this is the way you feel,” he commented at last, slowly. “It’s a new phase of you entirely, Elice, that I admit; but at least I’m glad to know it.” He thrust his hands deep into his pockets. “In plain English, you’d barter my position and ambition gladly for—things. 55 Frankly I didn’t think that of you, Elice, before. I imagined I knew you better, knew different.”
Responsive, instinctively the girl started to rise. Her breath came quick. Swiftly following came second thought and she sank back, back into the shadow. She said nothing.