Now, if those Reverend School-Masters of Antiquity, were so loose in their Seminals, shall we, of this Age, set up for Chastity? Have our Oxford Students more Command of their Passions than the Stoics? Are our Young Templars less Amorous than Plato? Or, is an Officer of the Army less Ticklish in the Shoulder than Socrates?
But I need not waste any Rhetoric upon so evident a Truth; for plain and clear Propositions, like Windows painted, are only the more Obscure the more they are adorn’d.
I will now suppose, that you have given up the Men as Incorrigible; since You are convinc’d, by Experience, that even Matrimony is not able to reclaim them. Marriage, indeed, is just such a Cure for Lewdness, as a Surfeit is for Gluttony; it gives a Man’s Fancy a Distaste to the particular Dish, but leaves his Palate as Luxurious as ever: for this Reason we find so many marry’d Men, that, like Sampson’s Foxes, only do more Mischief for having their Tails ty’d. But the Women, You say, are weaker Vessels, and You are resolv’d to make them submit; rightly judging, if You cou’d make all the Females Modest, it would put a considerable Stop to Fornication. It is great Pity, no doubt, so Fine a Project should Miscarry: And I would willingly entertain Hopes of seeing one of these Bridewell Converts. In the mean Time it would not be amiss, if You chang’d somewhat your present Method of Conversion, especially in the Article of Whipping. It is very possible, indeed, that leaving a Poor Girl Penny-less, may put her in a Way of living Honestly, tho’ the want of Money was the only Reason of her living otherwise; and the stripping of her Naked, may, for aught I know, contribute to Her Modesty, and put Her in a State of Innocence; but surely, Gentlemen, You must all know, that Flogging has a quite contrary Effect. This Project of pulling down Bawdy-houses to prevent Uncleanness, puts me in Mind of a certain Over-nice Gentleman, who cou’d never fancy his Garden look’d sweet, till he had demolish’d a Bog-house that offended his Eye in one Corner of it; but it was not long before every Nose in the Family was convinc’d of His Mistake. If Reason fails to Convince, let us profit by Example: Observe the Policy of a Modern Butcher, persecuted with a Swarm of Carnivorous Flies; when all his Engines and Fly-flaps have prov’d ineffectual to defend his Stall against the Greedy Assiduity of those Carnal Insects, he very Judiciously cuts off a Fragment, already blown, which serves to hang up for a Cure; and thus, by sacrifising a Small Part, already Tainted, and not worth Keeping, he wisely secures the Safety of the Rest. Or, let us go higher for Instruction, and take Example by the Grazier, who far from denying his Herd the Accustom’d Privilege of Rubbing, when their Sides are Stimulated with sharp Humours, very Industriously fixes a Stake in the Center of the Field, not so much, you may imagine, to Regale the Salacious Hides of his Cattle, as to preserve his Young Trees from Suffering by the Violence of their Friction.
I could give You more Examples of this Kind, equally full of Instruction, but that I’m loth to detain You from the Perusal of the following Treatise; and at the same Time Impatient to have the Honour of Subscribing Myself
Your Fellow-Reformer,
and Devoted Servant,
Phil-Porney.
PREFACE.
LEST any inquisitive Reader should puzzle his Brains to find out why this Foundling is thus clandestinely dropt at his Door, let it suffice him, that the Midwife of a Printer was unwilling to help bring it into the World, but upon that Condition, or a much harder, that of my openly Fathering it. I could make many other reasonable Apologies, if requisite: For, besides my having follow’d the modest Example of several other pious Authors, such as that of Εικων Βασιλικη, of the Whole Duty of Man, &c. who have studied rather their Country’s Publick Good, than their own Private Fame; I think, I have also play’d the Politick Part: for should my Off-spring be defective, why let it fall upon the Parish. On the other hand, if accidentally it prove hopeful, ’tis certain I need be at no further Trouble. There will then be Parents enough ready to own the Babe, and take it upon themselves. Adoption amongst the Machiavellian Laws of the Muses is strictly kept up, and every day put in Practice: How few of our now bright Noblemen would otherwise have Wit? How many of our present thriving Poets would else want a Dinner? ’Tis a vulgar Error to imagine Men live upon their own Wits, when generally it is upon others Follies; a Fund that carries by much the best Interest, and is by far upon the most certain Security of any: The Exchequer has been shut up, the Bank has stopt Payment, South-Sea has been demolish’d, but White’s was never known to fail; and indeed how should it, when almost every Wind blows to Dover, or Holyhead, some fresh Proprietor amply qualified with sufficient Stock.
I am in some pain for the Event of this Scheme, hoping the Wicked will find it too Grave, and fearing the Godly will scarce venture beyond the Title-Page: And should they, even, I know they’ll object, ’tis here and there interwoven with too ludicrous Expressions, not considering that a dry Argument has occasion for the larding of Gaiety to make it the better relish and go down. Besides, finding by the exact Account tack’d to that most edifying Anti-Heidegger Discourse,[6] that eighty six Thousand Offenders have been lately punish’d, and that four hundred Thousand religious Books have been distributed about Gratis (not to mention the numberless Three-penny Jobs daily publish’d to no Ends, or Purpose, but the Author’s;) I say, finding all these Measures have been taken, and that Lewdness still so much prevails, I thought it highly proper to try this Experiment, being fully convinc’d that opposite Methods often take place. Own, Preferment-Hunter! when sailing on with the Tide avails nothing, does not tacking about steer you sometimes into that snug Harbour, an Employment? Speak Hibernian Stallion! when a meek fawning Adoration turns to no Account, does not a pert assuming Arrogance frequently forward, nay, gain the critical Minute? And say,[7] Mesobin! where a Purge fails, is not a Vomit an infallible Recipe for a Looseness?
To conclude; when my Arguments are impartially examin’d, I doubt not but my Readers will join with me, that as long as it is the Nature of Man (and Naturam expellas furca licet usque recurret) to have a Salt Itch in the Breeches, the Brimstone under the Petticoat will be a necessary Remedy to lay it; and let him be ever so sly in the Application, it will still be found out: What avails it then to affect to conceal that which cannot be concealed, and that which if carried on openly and above-board, would become only less detrimental, and of consequence more justifiable?