“Miss Clattermouth was by no means like Miss Tadpoddle—in fact, I never saw two people less alike than they were. Miss Clattermouth was a little, dark-skinned woman, with a pug nose, a very small mouth, no teeth, either natural or artificial, and the thin lips appeared to be at a loss to know what to do with themselves. The mouth was entirely too small for the lips, hence they were forced to double themselves up, or rather to roll into little folds, so as to have more room.
“As soon as I was able to get in a word, I inquired of Miss Tadpoddle the nature of her complaint.
“‘Oh, doctor! I am so glad you came to see me. I declare, I thought I should die before you got here. You don’t know how delighted I am to see you. I never exaggerate. I despise exaggeration—it is my character to despise it. I never flatter—it is my character to hate flattery. You may rely on anything I say, doctor, for I never use extravagant language—it is my character not to use it. I feel so much better since you came—your cheerful smile has almost cured me. I’m sure I soon shall get well. The pleasure it gives me to look at your happy face is much better than medicine. Sit down near me, where I can see you plainly. Feel my pulse. It is much more regular than when you came. I have heard so much about you, Doctor Demar. They told me you were handsome, though they didn’t do you justice; but I never flatter—it is my character not to flatter—yet I never saw such expressive eyes as yours. My brother told me about them. But never mind me; you know a woman must talk. Oh! you look so strong and healthy; how I envy you! You are so tall and handsome! Pardon my enthusiasm, I beg you, but I mean what I say. You wish to know what is the matter with me? Yes, of course you do. Well, I mean to tell you. Oh! I have suffered ten thousand deaths since yesterday. Such torture no poor mortal ever suffered before. How I survived it is a mystery—but I must try to describe my sufferings. I never expected to see another day. I had a horrible pain in the back of my head; both temples ached and throbbed all day and all night. My back felt as if it was broken in the middle—my teeth were all aching at once; a kind of smothering about my heart, with darting pains continually going like a knife through my breast. My stomach seemed to be on fire, while my extremities were freezing. My throat was perfectly raw, and the skin has all peeled off my tongue. Every bone in my body seemed mashed into powder. My eyeballs felt as if they were going to jump out of my head. I had the ear-ache in both ears; a most horrid retching about the stomach. I had neuralgia in my left jaw, and a burning sensation in my nostrils, and to tell you the truth, I was quite unlike myself. Do, pray, give me something to relieve me. I’ll die, I know I will, if you don’t hurry.’
“That interesting female then fell back on the mountain of pillows, closed her eyes and heaved a deep sigh, like one who was about to bid the world a final farewell. I want it to be distinctly understood that I did not intend to commit murder, but I had the necessary malice in me. Miss Tadpoddle had maligned Miss Bramlett, and she had slandered everybody else in Memphis. She had offended Lottie by her malicious reports concerning Viola. I was angry because Lottie was displeased, and here is the soliloquy that I had with myself on that occasion, as nigh as I can remember it:
“‘Very well, my charming Miss Tadpoddle; I have got you in my power now, and I guess I’ll get even with you before I quit you. You want medicine, do you? Very good—you shall have it with a vengeance; I’ll keep your tongue silent for a week or two, if there is any virtue in blisters. I’ll physic you until you are satisfied!’
“This was the first patient I ever had, and I meant to test the qualities of my drugs. I had brought my case of medicines with me, and was prepared, not only to prescribe, but to administer the drugs. I covered her up with blisters; I gave her an emetic; I put red-hot bricks to her feet; I cupped her temples—the fact is, I made a prescription for each separate pain of which she complained; and with the aid of Miss Clattermouth, I managed to have it all administered. Then I sat down and waited for the result.
“‘Old lady,’ I observed to myself mentally, ‘I guess you’ll remain quiet for a few days, now. You won’t trouble Miss Bramlett soon, at all events. Your tongue won’t wag quite so glibly as it has been in the habit of doing. You’ll wake up directly, if I am not mistaken.’
“Well, sure enough, she did wake up, and it was no halfway business, either—it was what you call a wide-awake sensation. The mustard began to heat her up, the emetic commenced business, the hot bricks got up steam—in fact, the skirmish commenced all along the line; but when the pill brigade made the charge, the engagement became general—the contest was hot and loud, and the drugs won the victory, and Miss Tadpoddle was saved—so completely cured that she never has been very ill since. My reputation as a first-class physician was then permanently established, because Miss Tadpoddle’s tongue was a better advertising medium than the New York Herald. She was president of the Tramp Reform Association; then she was a working member of many other benevolent associations. She made it her daily business to speak of my vigorous style of practice. I was certainly well prepared to treat any disease, because the experiments I had made on Miss Tadpoddle had enabled me to test the qualities of all the drugs known to the profession.
“It was somewhere about ten days after my treatment of Miss Tadpoddle’s case when she again sent for me. I found her in bed—and when I say in bed, I mean it. She was not propped up with pillows, as she was when I first visited her, but she was flat on the bed. The truth is, I had so completely taken the starch out of her that she couldn’t sit up.
“‘How do you feel this morning, Miss Tadpoddle?’ I inquired, pretending to be interested about her case.