“‘I beg pardon, ladies,’ said I, as I bowed to Miss Clattermouth, ‘I did not know that death had entered this house, else I should not have intruded.’
“‘Oh! doctor,’ exclaimed Miss Tadpoddle, wringing her hands and tossing her head from side to side, as if suffering untold anguish, ‘I am so glad you have come; do pray put me to sleep as soon as you can, for my poor heart is forever crushed—I never shall survive this awful calamity. Ah! doctor, my poor little darling is taken from me, and no one will ever love me as he did; he was always crying to get in my lap; for Heaven’s sake give me a sleeping drug; I don’t care what it is; anything to make me forget this melancholy dispensation of Providence. Oh, me! it is more than I can bear—to think that I never shall see poor little Tottie any more; it will be the death of me; I know it will!’
“Now I was perfectly amazed when I heard Tottie’s name mentioned, for the whole mystery was then cleared up. All this nonsense was produced by the death of an eight-ounce poodle dog; and I hastened to a pitcher of water, poured out a glass and pretended to get strangled, so I might have a chance to conceal the mirth that was about to precipitate me into a fit of laughter. I was compelled to walk out into the hall, in order to gain time to get control of myself, as I did not wish to appear rude. Miss Tadpoddle seemed to be growing worse all the time, and continued to implore me for a sleeping drug; and I concluded that it was best to make a show of compassion, which I did, but not without a considerable effort. I requested Miss Clattermouth to procure me a spoonful of flour, and while she went after it, I took out my medicines and scattered them about on the top of a bureau that stood in one corner of the room; and as I was thinking more about the proof which I wanted to make by Miss Clattermouth than anything else, I took out the letter and laid it down among the medicines, where I knew she could see it when she brought the flour. My mind was wrought up to a high pitch of anxiety; because I had been led by Lottie to believe that the fate of Miss Bramlett depended entirely on the success or failure of my enterprise. Consequently, an unusual degree of excitement seized upon me when I saw her eyes fixed on the letter as she handed me the flour. I felt my heart thumping violently in my breast, while I held my breath and tried to assume a careless air, as I began to finger my drugs. There was a large mirror swinging on the top of the bureau, which enabled me to watch Miss Clattermouth without letting her know what I was up to; and I could see that her little round eyes were intently fixed on the letter, while an expression of curiosity mantled her face. I felt my knees knocking against each other, and my whole frame began to shake from the intense anxiety that possessed me. When Banquo’s ghost ‘shook its gory locks’ at Macbeth, at the banquet, he did not tremble more than I did on that important occasion.
“‘Oh, doctor!’ exclaimed Miss Tadpoddle, ‘are you going to let me die? Why don’t you put me to sleep? Are you going to save my life or not?’
“‘My dear madame, I beg you to command a little patience—you shall soon be relieved; it is our duty to submit humbly to the decrees of Providence.’
“‘Yes! yes! I know it is, doctor, but those who never felt the heavy hand of affliction laid upon them, as it is now laid on poor me, cannot understand or appreciate the awful calamity.’
“I hastily prepared three wheat dough pills, and persuaded her to swallow them, assuring her that they would put her to sleep in a very short while; and in less than five minutes she declared that she felt a great deal better.
“‘Ah! doctor, you are such a good physician; you seem to comprehend the nature of one’s complaint at a glance. Now you know I never exaggerate; there is nothing I despise more than I do exaggeration; still I do believe my nervous system is completely destroyed; but if anybody can restore my shattered system, you are the man to do it. I declare, I begin to feel drowsy now. Oh, what a relief! Just run your hand through my hair and over my throbbing temples. Oh, that is delicious! indeed it is! You do not know how much good it is doing me!’
“At the end of twenty minutes from the time I administered my pills Miss Tadpoddle was happy in the arms of Morpheus, probably dreaming sweetly about poodle dogs. Now, my friends, I wish to say that, as a practicing physician, I am able to recommend wheat dough pills as an infallible remedy for hysterics—especially when that dangerous disease is caused by the death of poodle dogs.
“As soon as I had succeeded in silencing Miss Tadpoddle, I turned my attention to Miss Clattermouth and the important letter, on which I noticed she every now and then cast an inquiring look. I was waiting for her to propound the question, which I inferred from her restlessness she was on the eve of doing. After eying the letter for some time, she picked it up and, after scrutinizing it carefully, when she imagined I was not observing her movements (for I was watching her through the mirror by a side glance), she turned her back toward me, and began to slip the letter out of the envelope. I knew that it would not do to allow her to see the contents of the letter; therefore, as soon as I divined her object, I went to the bureau, pretending to be collecting my scattered medicines, where she could see that I was in a position to observe her actions.