Such little skirmishes, however, only served to enliven the dinner-table; but Thorsby was quite as fond of quizzing his Quaker acquaintance, which was nearly as repugnant to Betty’s feelings, who had a profound admiration of Mrs. Heritage; and who said she did not like to hear any religious people fleered at. Thorsby was very merry one day at the expense of Sylvanus Crook, who, on hearing some one say that he could find any text in the Bible that any one could mention, had asked him where was the text which spoke of twenty-nine knives and never a fork. The man, who was a Methodist too, had stoutly declared that there was no such text, and Thorsby was of his opinion. Betty Trapps said Mr. Thorsby had something to learn yet, before he began to preach, for there was such a text, and it was in the first chapter and ninth verse of the book of Ezra. Thorsby jumped up and got a Bible, and found in the list of the vessels and other apparatus of the Temple nine-and-twenty knives.
“But,” said Thorsby, “it does not say ‘and never a fork.’”
“It need not,” said Betty, “because there was never a fork.”
“Ah!” said Thorsby, “I see now—that was Crook’s way of putting it. But they are not always so sharp, these Quakers,” added Thorsby. “There is Solomon Jordan, the draper, you should have seen him one fine evening last summer; he is one of the plainest of the plain in his attire. Slipping on his warehouse stairs, he had dislocated his collar-bone and had his left arm in a sling. Sitting at his desk near his shop window, he observed an old militia officer, who had been at a festive dinner with the officers of his regiment, drop his spectacles in the middle of the street. Being well charged with wine, he made many vain attempts to stoop and take up the spectacles. Every time he staggered past them, and turned round to make an attempt equally hopeless. Solomon Jordan, believing the officer to lodge at a house just opposite, hastened out, picked up the spectacles, and offered his right arm to conduct the officer to his lodgings. The old captain was full of the most grateful acknowledgments of this politeness; but, on arriving at the door, he looked up and exclaimed,—‘But, my dear sir, these are not my lodgings; mine are away ever so far up the street.’
“They began to march on, but the officer perceiving that Mr. Jordan was without his hat, suddenly stopped, took off his cap and feather, and put them on the head of the astonished Friend.
“‘Take it off!’ exclaimed Solomon; ‘take it off, friend!’
“‘No, no’, replied the officer, energetically, ‘I could not think of such a thing as your going bare-headed up the street, and you so extremely kind to me.’
“‘Take off thy cap!’ exclaimed Solomon, more loudly, ‘or I’ll not go another step with thee.’
“As Solomon would not move, notwithstanding all the protestations of the officer, and could not get away, the officer holding his arm as in a vice; and as he could not raise the other arm, which was lamed, to take the cap off, the scene became highly ludicrous. The people in the street, and there were many, saw the dilemma and began to laugh, and the boys to run from all sides, crying, ‘Mr. Jordan is ’listed for a soldier,—Mr. Jordan is ’listed!’ There was a great running, and soon a great crowd, in the midst of which the Friend was angrily demanding the officer to take off the offensive cap; and the officer, with equal zeal, protesting against the Friend proceeding bareheaded. Sometimes the officer, for a moment, would concede the point to Solomon and replace his cap on his own head, but almost directly would whip it off again and put it on Solomon’s, which was the signal for a fresh roar of laughter from the people. Thus they advanced, now stopping and parleying—now moving on again; the cap sometimes on the soldier’s head, sometimes on the Friend’s, till they reached the officer’s lodgings with half the idle people of Castleborough at their heels. I think,” added Thorsby, “Friend Jordan will never again take compassion on a disabled soldier.”
“More’s the pity that he did,” said Betty Trapps. “I’d have left the intossicated old fellow to plough the street up with his nose afore I’d ha’ helped him; but such things are just egg and milk for some folks:” meaning that such satirical stories were delicious to Thorsby.