“Indeed!—ho—hum——Good morning, Sir,” politely replied the Major, and left the room.
Of course a thing of this kind was not suffered to lie hidden under a bushel half an hour by the Major. He proceeded instantly to the Colonel, and gravely laid open to him the alarming discovery. The Colonel lost not a moment in calling a meeting of the mess. The mess assembled (all excepting Morris, to whom the meeting was not made known, for obvious reasons), and the Major, in an energetic speech, informed the mess that he had heard the fact from Mr. Quill’s own lips, with that gentleman’s solemn injunction upon the Major to be secret. All were equally astonished and alarmed; each man put his hand instinctively to his fob; and a little attorney-faced captain despatched his servant to see if his trunks were all safe. The mad dog had got amongst them, and there was but one opinion about his expulsion.
Morris was sent for forthwith:—the orderly-serjeant was despatched to tell him that the Colonel and the members of the mess were assembled, and that he was to attend immediately.
The delinquent appeared without the least hesitation, and looking as pleasantly as ever. On being informed by the Colonel of the cause of the meeting, he paused, cast his eyes archly at the Major, and exclaimed, “Ah! Major, Major! so you have told on me, though you pledged your honour!” (Not a word from the Major.) “Now, Colonel, the fact of the matter is this: I was asked a question by that gentleman, which, however he might have meant it, I could not receive but as a joke (a little too free, I must say), and so I—just answered him as the joke deserved. The Major, in a way I did not much relish, asked me, ‘What was the reason I quitted the 31st?’ and I gave him an answer. It was a question of an odd meaning, and so I gave him an odd reply.” (A stare and a smile from all except the Major.) “Now,” continued Morris, pulling out a bundle of letters, “there’s a letter for you, Colonel; and one for you, Captain Smith; and for you, Captain Jones; and for you, Lieutenant Edwards:”—so on, until he delivered the bundle of introductions which he brought from his last regiment. The letters were read aloud, and better fun was never enjoyed in the mess-room, nor relished with greater zest before or since; even the Major “Join’d in the laugh that almost made him sick;”
and Morris became the favourite of every officer in the regiment, always excepting the honourable Major himself.
At one period of the Peninsular war, the army was several months in arrear of pay. Money was not to be got anywhere by the advanced troops, except in the class of Generals and higher officers. Morris Quill was, of course, one of those whose purses were empty—indeed there was not a dollar to be caught in the regiment from right to left.
A general officer was passing with his staff (General Crawford, I believe) through the village in which Morris was quartered. As soon as he saw the General, he turned to a brother officer, and said, “By J——! I’ve a great mind to ask the General for a few dollars.”
“That you may do,” replied the officer; “but I’m sure you will not get them.”
“Will you bet me £5 I don’t?” returned Morris.
“I will bet you £5 you do not borrow £5 or 20 dollars from him.”
“Done. I’ll bet you a bill on the paymaster.”