"FULL INSIDE, SIR, BUT PLENTY OF ROOM ON THE TOP."
How to Live upon Nothing a-Year.—Get elected a Member of Parliament, and you may contract as many debts as you please without paying one of them.
How to get a Dozen of Wine for Nothing.—Go to twelve different wine-merchants, and get each of them to send you in a sample bottle. You have only to say afterwards the wine isn't exactly to your taste—you wanted a much fuller wine—and you may get another dozen by the same means free of expense.
How to get a Glass of Warm Brandy and Water for Nothing.—Fall in the ice, and you will be carried to the Royal Humane Society's establishment, and a glass of brandy and water will be given to you directly. If you are very bad a second will be administered, and you will be put to bed, and have a good "tuck in" into the bargain.
How to get a Library for Nothing.—Borrow books, and, of course, keep them.
How to get a Luncheon for Nothing.—Look in at the auctions, and patronize one where there is a sale of wine. Take a biscuit with you, and you may have as many glasses of port or sherry as you please. Just make a small bid now and then, for recollect Homer sometimes nodded.
How to have your Portrait taken for Nothing.—Just fight a duel, or run away with somebody's wife, and your portrait is sure to be given in one of the illustrated papers.
How to Dress for Nothing.—Go to an advertising tailor, and get him to take out your clothes in poetry. The same with your hatter, bootmaker, and hosier. Your poetry must be very poor stuff if you cannot get a suit of clothes out of it, and its feet must be lame indeed if they do not afford you a pair of Wellingtons.