3rd.—No new milk for breakfast; told the butler to send for some directly; the impudent fellow sent word, "that there was no possibility of making Cowes so soon." Ordered his beer to be stopped. Dreadful noise overhead. Told Adolphus to inquire what it was. The intelligent lad brought me intelligence that it was the housemaid sweeping the carpets on deck. Went upstairs, and asked the reason why the deck was not ready before twelve o'clock. Told Jane and Maria Louisa that I would have the strictest discipline maintained in my Yacht, or else they had better suit themselves at once with other situations. Superintended the dusting of the ottomans, and reprimanded John Thomas for going up the dirty ropes without his Berlin gloves on. Detected a faint smell of tar, and ordered the carpet to be sprinkled with eau-de-Cologne, and feathers to be burnt in every room in the Yacht. Threw my glove over the railing of the vessel to see which way the wind blew; but on its going straight down and sinking very rapidly recollected that my purse was inside. A thorough draft arising at that moment blew off my fichu towards the right, and proved beyond a doubt that the wind was in a straight line to Brighton. Determined to go there, and told the coachman in charge of the Yacht to make as much haste as possible, as I wished to make a morning call on Lady Bandury Bunn, who was staying there, with all her little Bunns. It turned out, however, towards four o'clock, that we were not many hundred yards' distance from Havre; but as I had not a French bonnet with me I declined going on shore. In the evening, a ball, and I played a small concertina (I had brought with me to charm the dolphins), to enable the poor servants to dance. John Thomas and Jane Hussey went through a hornpipe as well as the uneven state of the Yacht would allow them. Served out tea and sugar at eight. Towards nine there was a very strong smell of tobacco; searched the Yacht, escorted by Adolphus, who carried two wax candles before me; we found the smell proceeded from the servants' hall. Descended the narrow staircase cautiously, and surprised, in the pantry, the butler, John Thomas, and the French cook, each smoking with the window open, what is called, I believe, a pipe. Ordered these offensive articles to be seized, and to be instantly thrown into the lowest depths of the sea; and did not retire to rest before my orders were strictly executed. Looked into the housekeeper's room, and gave directions for a muslin cover to be made for the gold Cupid that holds the compass; if I am correct in so terming the long darning-needle that is kept under a glass shade.
4th.—Wind very fair to-day. Curled my hair for the first time in ringlets. Inspected some Valenciennes lace I have bought, a perfect bargain, of a French smuggler; it will look well on a velvet dress. Told John to drive direct to Paris. The insolent fellow asked "if I would go by Brussels, or did I prefer Vienna?" Gave him instantly warning. He turned the vessel round with its head towards London. Told him that was not the road to Paris, when he said he "was going back to Southampton to suit himself with another place." Rang the bell, and told Grisetta to tell all the servants to come upstairs. The poor girl only speaking French, the stupid servants, who worry my life out, did not understand her. Directed my page Adolphus to summon the butler before me. Mr. Smithers appeared with his hat on; I asked him how he dared to appear in my presence with his head covered? His answer was, "that he had had two wigs blown off already, and he had caught a violent cold in his head." Asked him "What was his cold in the head when the discipline of the ship was at stake?" and he could not answer a word. Told him I should report him to Sir Valentine as soon as we landed in Grosvenor Square. Being determined to punish the coachman, ordered him to leave the box, and took the whip out of his hand in the presence of my maid and the German governess. The menial coloured, and to make his degradation the more striking, I pulled the cockade off his hat. I then took the what-d'ye-call-it, the long pole that pushes the vessel along, and attempted to guide it. The fatigue, however, was too much for my wrists, and I split my gloves in the exertion; was afraid, besides, of turning the vessel upside down, but disguised my fears before the dependents. Left the pole, and picked my way down to the servants' hall. Found the servants, male and female, at dinner, the butler in the chair, and Mrs. Bantam, the housekeeper, at the bottom. Apologized for intruding, for I thought it was best to be civil. Spoke kindly, and told them to serve me properly, and their rations of tea and sugar should be doubled. Mrs. Bantam thanked me. Then told them that "a great act of insubordination had been shown by the coachman above, and that I had been obliged to strip him"—(Here I paused to take note of the effect of my words; but no sympathy was, I am glad to say, evinced)—"of his situation." I reminded them of their duties, and conjured them to be faithful to their mistress, and they should not repent it when their wages were paid; but I told them plainly, if they coalesced with the coachman it should be as much as their situations were worth. If any one of them was displeased, and thought herself ill-used, or out of her proper element, she might leave the ship that instant, and I would be the last person to prevent her bettering herself. Not one amongst them took me at my word, and I was pleased more than I can express at their fidelity. I told them as much, and confessed I had anticipated a mutiny, but had made up my mind fully how to act in case the smallest soupçon of treachery had declared itself. "I would have opened the plugs at the bottom of the yacht," I said loudly to them, "and we should have all sunk together, after I had taken the precaution to write a letter to the Times, in which every one of your names would have been reported at full length, with your christian names and ages." I was going on in the most eloquent strain, when the most dreadful thumping occurred to the ship, and there was a noise overhead such as I had never heard before, even at one of Verdi's operas. I nearly fainted, for I thought a whale had run against us, and had burst in one of our panels; but a young footman, who had run upstairs and down again whilst I was losing my colour, assured me it was only the bowsprit (for so he called the long pole which protrudes from the front of the vessel) which had been shattered to pieces in consequence of its coming in collision with Southampton Pier, which happened at that moment to be in the way. I then recollected that I had left no one in charge of the Yacht, and hastened upstairs. I found a Custom-House officer coming up the rope ladder by the side, and gave the coachman into custody for having violated the laws of his country. The man searched him, and said, with the greatest nonchalance, that there was nothing about him that warranted his detaining him. He then asked me if I had anything to declare. "Anything to declare?" I said. "Yes, I declare that your conduct is the greatest piece of impertinence I have ever heard of;" and I went on in a great passion for a long time. The man got very angry, and I had a very good mind to have him thrown into the sea for his insolence; but I conquered my pride, for at that moment Prince FitzunStartz, the young Bohemian nobleman who first brought over the polka, came tripping on the yacht, and I was too glad, in order to escape, to take his arm, though he had just been smoking. I recounted to him the dangers I had gone through, and he would have it I was "quizzing" him, just as if I was likely to joke upon such a matter of life and death. We had scarcely reached the end of the pier when an officer stopped us, and informed me that the Jenny Lind was seized by the Custom House authorities for having on board a quantity of smuggled goods. Oh dear! oh dear! that Valenciennes will cost me dearer than what I might have got it for at Howell and James's, and they wouldn't have asked me for the money for six years to come at least; whereas I paid that smuggler every bit in sovereigns. Oh! that stupid Yacht!
Hints To Agricultural Societies.—About November stuff your calves for approaching show, and put the tails of your pigs over night into curl paper. Rub a little bear's grease on the head of your sheep, and pass small-tooth combs through their fleecy wool. Wash your Southdowns in warm soap-and-water, and let your little porkers have a good lathering, particularly about the chops. Trim your cows with satin ribbons, part the hair on their foreheads down the middle, and fix it with bandoline. Black the hoofs of your bulls, stir up your Durhams well, and see that they are properly mustered.
Pretty Thought.—"I would not be a pig," says a Dutch poet, "for then I could not eat it."
LAYS OF MODERN BABY-LON.
BY YOUNG WHAT-YOU-MAY-CALLEE.
(Aged five years and a day.)
"High diddle lofty diddle and diddle wondrous high—
Diddle exalted like balloons far up into the sky."