Never take hold of the poker by the wrong end. Go forth into the streets and gather a bushel of March dust; it is worth a king's ransom. Take it to the Goldsmiths' Hall, and they will pay you for it—(a king's ransom is 30,000l., which will be at once handed to you). Spring commences. Cut the pearl buttons off your shirts and sow them in the flower-pot; they will come up oysters. Avoid the vanities of dress, but do not go abroad without your pantaloons.
APRIL.
Lie in bed all this month for fear of being made an April fool. Many things happen in April. A good month to receive a large legacy in, but don't reject a small one. Clouds will gather in the social horizon. You will have a quarrel with your wife, which will be brought to an amicable conclusion by means of a shawl. Avoid bonnet shops. A bad month to be bankrupt in.
MAY.
A merry month. Gather May dew (query: what are you to do with it when you get it?) Dance round the maypole. On no account dance round the north pole, or the south. Get your friends to do bills—it promotes generosity and liberality, which are virtues. Your hat will be blown off—if it be windy enough, and you don't hold it on. Be obliging; give anybody who asks, free permission to run pins into anybody else—innocent amusement ought to be encouraged.
JUNE.
A bad month for your house to be burnt down—unless, indeed, it be insured for double its value, or your wife be in it. When you ride in the Park and the boys tell you to get inside the horse and draw down the blinds, don't—it's not seemly. Make money—Pass your bad half crowns. Give your clean-picked bones to the poor—charity covers a multitude of sins. If a comet appears, let it alone; and when it is tired of appearing it will disappear. If you see a ghost, tell it to stay there; and come for us, and we will go and look at it.