Ka-lee-foe-nee, 8019th Summer of the Empire.
Feast of Con-fut-zee.
Beloved Tee-Tee,
According to my promise, oh, apple of my eye! I dip my brush in the ink-dish of love, to communicate my adventures in the land of the barbarian. Tee-Tee! think not I have forgotten thee—nor yet that it was those little domestic differences (which I look upon as gnats in the bright sunshine of our wedded happiness) which made me join that tremendous movement—now threatening the Celestial Empire with depopulation—and presenting to the imagination the terrible possibility of the Brother of the Sun and Moon (may his stomach extend!) being compelled to brush out his own pigtail!
Blame me not for leaving thee in the night secretly. I could not have borne a parting. I know thy love for me is such that, hadst thou known my intention, thou wouldst have become frantic—and I should have been quite overcome. My heart failed me as I stole past thy bedchamber door on tiptoe; my shins quivered with emotion when I thought of thy tiny gold-shodden foot; my cheek burned as thy delicate hand seemed to press against it; and when I pictured to myself thy long and graceful nails, I was as a man without eyes!
Enough, oh, Tee-Tee! This comes hoping you are quite well, as it leaves me at present—Fo be praised for the same!
Our labours have not yet been crowned with success. I speak not of the vulgar seeking after gold—to which motives the opponents of progress and light have basely attributed the Great Chinese Emigration Movement which has shaken the barbarian world to its foundation. Thou knowest better. If thou dost not, after all I have told thee, all I can say is that it is just like thee, for a stupid obstinate mule as thou art.
Our mission was to civilize the whiskered and shirt-collared heathen. The light of wisdom had been too long concealed from the outer world by the Great Wall. Thou mayst remark it was odd we never thought of civilizing them till we heard of their finding gold—gold limitless as the glories of the empire! here and in their other settlement of Aus-tra-lee-ah.
Such a remark, oh, Tee-Tee! would be just about as sensible as thy remarks usually are.
It was because the barbarians had found this gold they stood in need of our assistance more than ever. Could such people be expected to know the use of wealth; I ask—could they? And as for once in my life in addressing thee, I can have all the talk to myself—without waiting for thy doubtless illogical reply—I answer, No, they couldn't.