Being the Result of over Female Emigration, and the Impossibility of
obtaining Female Servants.
(For mise en scène, decorations, and cast of characters, see Plate opposite.)
Mrs. Piper (superintending the chops and neglecting her punctuation)—"Oh dear, dear, dear! it's enough to drive anybody crazy with all the trouble I've had with the huzzies the nasty good-for-nothing, idle, lazy—the wicked presumptuous bad creatures, to think of their taking such a start. Don't talk to me, Piper; it's the fault of you men for taking their part. Can't blame them indeed for wanting to better their situations!—of course my servants were very ill used I understand your insinuations. No doubt it's a treat to you to see your poor wife made into a slave—not that there's any novelty in that I wish I was in my grave!—melted to death and getting into such a mess with the chances I have of even getting a new dress—at those dratted chops for you to guzzle. If you had the feelings of a man, you'd do something to help me. Oh! I daresay you're doing all you can—a pretty kettle of fish you're making of the Irish stew. Ah! there goes the poker on to the plates—don't tell me—you do it on purpose—you do. I didn't say you touched the poker but you do all you can to flurry me in one way or other—Tom, you naughty, unfeeling boy, how dare you join in the conspiracy against your poor mother? If your father's burnt you, it's just like him go and rub your hand with soap—though you'll be clever to find it—Yes—Mr. Piper, you're satisfied now, I hope—with your institutions and lectures and South Australia panoramas I wish Mr. Prout and all the rest of the wretches at the Polytechnic were pounded to death with sledge-hammers—putting notions of emigration into the heads of a set of brazen faces—but they've been a great deal too well treated, or they would not have had time to go to such places; and those newspapers talking about their rights and freedom if they'd minded their work they wouldn't have had time to read 'em. In my poor dear mother's time, no servant could get a place who knew how to read. Ought to be treated like human beings? a pretty story, indeed! I know what you mean Piper you needn't try to keep your gravity—but they were always thinking of husbands and settling in life or some such depravity.
Scarcity of Domestic Servants—or Every Family their own Cooks!!!——
Being Verifications of our Prognostications in 1851—upon the subject of Over Female Emigration!
"Arabella and Jane you idle things don't stand staring there, but go and lay the cloth before your father begins to swear. All the tumblers are broken? Well, to be sure, I might have expected that but I'm astonished at you Arabella for daring to tell me it was the cat. If it was that minx, Jemima—yes, I see very well, Mr. Piper that we don't get on as well without her as if I wanted her to go, the viper! when she knew the whole comfort of the family depended on her staying to be off to Australia the ungrateful thing she deserves flaying. With the beautiful kitchen she had only she never took a pride in it let alone seven pounds a year and her tea found with sugar beside in it. But of course madam must have a farm and want to be some scamp's wife—never thinking what I've to get through with my two poor girls to settle in life. Jane bring a dish this minute do. What! do you mean to say there's only one and that's cracked, on the shelf? Well, I've done all human nature can do, Mr. Piper you may get your dinner yourself. If the chops are black I can't help it well you needn't mention it—I see—if there's one on the floor you may pick it up. Ah! I knew how it would be. The gridiron's tumbled over with what I've to go through, how can you expect me to attend to it? I've not been used to this sort of thing the chimney's on fire and there's an end to it. The house must be burnt down. Oh yes! call the police, but you may call for ever if you find a policeman now all the servants have gone to Australia, all I say is you'll be clever."
[Scene closes.
ANSWER TO CORRESPONDENTS.
Snikmit.—Your conundrum was received in 1846, and has been in type ever since. We shall probably be able to find room for it in the course of a few years. Do not be impatient. We have all had our beginnings.