Your letter from Dover has travelled many a mile in quest of me; first into Buckinghamshire, then to Grosvenor-square, "tried" Cambridge, and non est inventus being the return made at each of these places, it has followed me into the wilds of Kerry in Ireland. Here I am actually at Glenalta, and as I mean faithfully to perform my promise, and execute the task which you have so solemnly spread out before me, in such detail that I am not likely to forget the engagement, I shall begin from the beginning, for the following cogent reasons: first, that I may be correct by not trusting to memory; secondly, that I may not be overwhelmed by an inconvenient accumulation of materials, thirdly and lastly, because to vent my spleen in a letter is next to the relief of doing so in a viva voce unburthening, disemboguing, or whatever else you choose to call this pouring out of my vexations.
After a journey through a horrible country, as naked as if it was but just born, and as comfortless as if it had never been inhabited, I reached at last my haven of rest yesterday evening at six o'clock. You must not expect me to name places which I cannot spell, nor jolt over such roads as I have escaped again with you. This would indeed be "thrice to slay the slain," for I am in a state of mummy this morning. If David had known the county of Kerry, I should believe that it rose upon his mind, when he wrote of the judges that were overthrown in stony places. As I approached within a mile of my journey's end I should possibly have been put into good humour, if my temper had not been previously so ruffled as to counteract the influence of pleasanter impressions. Candour obliges me to confess, that nothing in nature can exceed the scenery of this spot when once you are at it; but in my present feelings I doubt whether I would go to Heaven itself, if there were no better road thither than that by which I have achieved my safe landing at Glenalta. Part of my way lay through a morass, technically called bog in this country, which brought to my recollection every frightful engulfment that I ever heard or read of. The vast American swamps, the Indian jungles, aye, even "that great Lerborian bog 'twixt Damietta and the sea," so finely touched by Milton, appeared safe and smooth to my imagination in comparison with the dark abysses that seemed to yawn upon me from either side of my gloomy and monotonous path. No, it is not in human nature to recover a man's equilibrium after what I have suffered in less than a week; and therefore the features of this cul de sac, which has nothing beyond it but the waves of the Atlantic, will stand but a bad chance of being sketched in any other than distemper colouring, if I must fix my first impressions. Your orders, however, concur with my bile, and thus duty and inclination happily coincide, which is somewhat uncommon. Well, "through mud and mire, brake and brier," I at last beheld the termination of my woes, and drove up in a post chaise, which I firmly believe sat for its picture to Miss Edgeworth, and found myself in front of a verandah, which, in any other place and any other at time, might have seemed a bower of enchantment; but my eyes were jaundiced, my bones were weary, and every thought was steeped in vinegar, so cross, cold, sour, and discontented did I feel, as the lubberly brute, called post-boy by a strange misnomer, trundled off his jaded horse, and thumping up like a sack against the hall door, gave a knock which might have been heard in Labrador. I expected to have been met and smothered on the threshold by my aunt and cousins, but a servant only made his appearance, and the step was let down; Lewis had descended, and I was fairly on my feet, and trying to pump up a smile upon my countenance, lest its previous expression should stamp my character irretrievably, ere in two minutes I found myself affectionately greeted and as affectionately dismissed to my apartments, for I have got a suite allotted to me, and as I was preparing to obey, and retire, my aunt, with one of the sweetest voices I ever heard, begged that I would not hurry myself. "Frederick my love," added she, "I depend upon your shewing dear Arthur his room, and I need not remind you that as he is an invalid, he must not be asked to do any thing in the least distressing, or requiring effort. Arthur, you will I hope feel yourself at home, and that charming little word comprises all that I can offer you, and so much, that I should weaken its force, if I attempted by any addition to render it more impressive."
When I was dressed, I went down stairs, and opening a door that lay on my right hand, found myself in a snug library and alone. Supposing this to be the room in which we were to muster before dinner, I took up some books which lay on the table, and what should I discover? why, positively that I have got amongst a batch of Blues. Full ten minutes elapsed before my rapid survey was interrupted; and in that short period I found the initials of Emily and Charlotte annexed to the name of Douglas, in at least a dozen volumes, one of which was Sallust, a second Virgil, a third Sowerby on Minerals, a fourth some one, I forget who, upon Botany, and so on. I absolutely felt my cheeks glow with shame and indignation. What! set down in a nook of the county of Kerry, in Ireland, without a creature to speak to, who I suppose ever saw "a good man's feast," though I dare say they are not without "bells that call to church;" and to find myself not only shut out from the world, but screwed in a vice as it were, with all manner of pedantry, and required to talk science all day to a set of precieuses ridicules! it was too much for my constitution I assure you; and with the celerity of lightning I resolved to construct an apology, as quickly as possible, for my speedy departure. The manner of disengaging myself from the noose still remains to be determined, but it is quite plain that at Blue-Stocking Hall, which is a much more appropriate name than Glenalta, I cannot stay.
My aunt's letters never threw light upon the accomplishments of her daughters, and as one does not take much interest in the occupations of the elders in a family, her own literary propensities would not have annoyed me at all, particularly, too, as I might probably find able assistance in Frederick whenever I had a mind to laugh at learned ladies. But to my narrative,—the first who entered the room was Fanny, the youngest of the family. She is about fifteen, strikingly pretty, with almost the funniest expression of countenance that I ever saw, and thank Heaven, of an age to be treated as a child. She will, I see, be my sheet anchor while I am obliged to tarry on this coast. My aunt and her Aspasias followed before I had time to utter a sentence, and Frederick brought up the rear. In the moment of his entrance, the servant who was at his heels, announced dinner, and while we were crossing the hall, my aunt said, "You were in the library while we were waiting your arrival in the drawing-room, so we missed the pleasure of your company, my dear boy, for I know not how long. Arthur, I know how disagreeable it is to be watched with too great anxiety, so to day you shall eat and drink as you find that you can do; and if there is any thing that you are in the habit of taking, or any thing that you would like to try, I can promise you the aid of three of the kindest nurses that ever took care of an invalid. They have had great experience, and will be delighted to be useful to you." I thanked her, secretly resolving to give my fair cousins as little trouble as possible, and down we sat to dinner, which was not a bit like what I supposed it would have been, but actually got up in excellent style. We had two nice little courses of capital materials that might have done credit to the London market; admirably dressed, served up quite in a civilized manner, and, would you believe it, not a word of azure during the repast. Don't fancy me, however, the block-head to cry roast-meat before I am out of the wood. Indigo itself could scarcely have found opportunity to display its tints in the midst of all the inquiries for mother, sisters, uncles, aunts, that happily filled the intervals of carving and eating. In all my life I never felt so much indebted to my relations before; and when the ladies got up to leave the room, not a word had escaped their lips which was not delivered in their vernacular language; and by the bye, I will tell you what appears to me very extraordinary, that not one of this family speaks with that horrible accent, vulgarly called brogue. No, positively they all express themselves remarkably well, and what is also strange enough, they are very elegant, and modern in their appearance. In short, I should not be ashamed of the coup d'[oe]il of the house and its inhabitants, were it not for this cursed blue which will burst upon me in a torrent to-morrow, and be no doubt the more impetuous in its flow, for having been dammed up during so many hours.
When left alone with Fred. who seems a very honest sort of fellow, I found that he was a sportsman, I suppose in a coarse way; but still here is a resource, and he tells me that he has excellent greyhounds and setters; that game abounds in these mountains; and that there is good fun to be had at small cost of labour. Tant mieux for an invalid. We sat for an hour without drinking much wine, from which I am under orders to abstain till this plaguy chest of mine is well, and to which my companion seemed to have no natural propensity. We then joined the party in the drawing-room, and there I found Emily writing music, Charlotte tuning a harp,—yes, a very fine one too, Fanny rolling a ball for a beautiful little spaniel, and her mother smiling at its gambols.
There was nothing appalling here, but the evening was young; however, here was a new resource, and with grateful alacrity I hastened to beg for a soft strain of Erin. Certainly I am lost in astonishment. Do you know that these girls sing like syrens? Nothing can be in finer harmony than their voices, and some of the simple Irish airs which were sung this evening, have so completely taken possession of my mind, that I shall dream of nothing else. Why will women be so absurd as to mistake the true feminine character, and, despising the sceptre which nature has placed in their hands, relinquish a legitimate and undisputed empire, to engage in the silly project of conquest over regions which will never submit to their arms?
Were it not for the farrago of Latin, Greek, botany, chemistry, and the devil knows what, with which my ears are to be assailed, how readily should I bear testimony to the charms which sweet music and good manners possess; and when I consider (and I really speak impartially), the fund upon which the Douglas girls might fairly trade, I am at a loss to perceive the motive for all this nonsense of learning. If they were ugly or old, or surrounded by professors, there might be some reason for experimenting in literary lore, and hoisting a blue flag; but young, pleasing, singularly elegant, with heavenly voices, what is it that the fools would be at? I suppose that my poor aunt, whose affliction I fancy made her a recluse for several years, has insisted upon making scholars of the sisterhood, because Fred's tutor, who of course was some antiquated piece of furniture, had time to spare, and probably knew about as much of life and manners, as Noah did in the Ark. If this be the case, I shall soon find out all about the matter, and my visit here may be a blessing, as I shall take the very first opportunity that offers of opening aunty's eyes to the impolicy of her conduct, by assuring her that men of the present day dread a blue more than a scorpion, which argument, I believe, never failed yet with a mamma; and as to the poor girls, it will be easy to work upon their minds without being ungallant. To be sure they cannot unlearn all that old domine has crammed into their noddles, but if they are frightened into a careful concealment, there is not much harm done; for if after they are married, they can put their boys through the Latin grammar and Selecta, the employment will not be disagreeable to them, the children may benefit, and if they should settle in Ireland, I mean in the country, no body need be the wiser for their latinity. Fanny is young enough to snatch from contagion, and with her merry phiz, she ought not to drudge over Hic hæc hoc. I could not help thinking of Marmontel's description (is it not?) of Agathe in the Misanthrope, when I looked at her, "La plus jolie espiegle que l'Amour eut jamais formé," and as I applied these words, I resolved to save her if possible.
Well, tea, coffee, and milk-cakes, as good of their kinds as you ever tasted, succeeded by the harp and piano-forte, left me no time for a game of chess to which Frederick had challenged me on entering the room. At ten o'clock a tray made its appearance with some really fine fruit, and the best milk I ever tasted; nothing could be more easy, cheerful, and pleasant than our little party; and so entirely were books left out of the evening's amusement, that what I had seen before dinner was never remembered till I reached my own room; we were as gay as larks, and even danced some quadrille figures. Here again surprise is no word to express what I felt at seeing my cousins acquit themselves with a grace that would actually be quite distingué at Almack's. A little fashion might be added, but nothing can be better than the flexibility and perfect ear which accompany every movement of these mountaineers. So far so good, but old Solon used to say "the end is not come yet," and I felt all the prudence of suspended judgment conveyed in his laconicism, when on the removal of the tray, Frederick placed a large book before his mother, and having rung the bell, I found myself presently engaged,—yes, actually engaged in family prayers with no less than six domestics and an old non-descript with grey hair, who hobbled in leaning upon a stick, and for whose accommodation Fanny placed a cushion; all ranged along the end of the room: it was a complete take in, and I never felt more awkwardly in all my life. However there was no escaping, and I had nothing for it but submission. My aunt, to do her justice, gave us a short prayer, and I cannot say that there was any cant in it; but conceive the bad taste of following this part of the ceremony by reading a chapter in the New Testament, and during the time, sitting "hail fellows well met" in the midst of the servants, who took to their seats as naturally as if they had been born to five thousand a year each.
Now my good friend, you stand up for these exhibitions; but to see the gentry of the country thus brought on a level with their footmen; and to see a girl of Fanny's appearance fly to help old Lawrence, whose stick slipped as he was about to retire, I must ever think revolting to common sense, and I went to my room determined to hasten my departure as much as possible. Of course I conclude that my antediluvian relations go through this religious mummery twice a day; and though you know that I am not of the infidel school, I hate piety in such clothing as I find it dressed in here; and as I equally dislike old fashions and new lights, I shall get rid of the one and the other as fast as I can. I must not offend people, however, who are kindly inclined to me, and therefore you may address one letter at least to this place. Good night, and believe me, in a confounded cross humour,
Truly yours
Arthur Howard.