Rank and Talent; A Novel, Vol. 1 (of 3)

by William Pitt Scargill

And it is a very pretty thing too for young gentlemen in the last year of being at school, or in the first of their undergraduateship. Dressed in the archery uniform, they look so very much like Robin Hood: they go back to old times in almost more than imagination; but more especially, they have an opportunity of playing off the polites. At all events, it is a very innocent amusement; and if properly managed by the lady-patroness, it may rise into something of a matter of importance. If any of the party be in possession of the powers of eloquence, they may draw up a very pretty report of the meeting; and the editors of country papers will feel much honored by inserting the said report; and there will be a very pretty sprinkling of very pretty compliments to the very pretty young ladies, who may be compared to Diana’s nymphs; and there may be quotations from the old songs about Robin Hood and Maid Marian; and very pretty talk about the greenwood shade and the merry horn. Then the editor of the newspaper sells an extra number of papers, which are sent in different directions to distant friends.

The display of beauty and fashion which was exhibited in Hovenden Park on the above-named occasion, bids defiance by its brilliancy to our powers of description. Sir Andrew himself, though his occupation was gone for that day at least, endured with a very good grace his absence from the kitchen; and was prepared to hear and say all that was polite, together with a little that was satirical. Before the business of the day began, he said in the hearing of the exhibitors: “Where shall I stand to be most out of the way; I think I had better take my station in front of the target.”

With many such sayings he entertained the young people; and some of the young ladies laughed so heartily at his attempts at humor, that they could hardly direct the arrows; and then, when any one shot very wide of the mark, he smilingly said, “Well done, my good girl, that’s right, take care you don’t spoil the target.” And notwithstanding all the frowns and rebukes of Lady Featherstone, the facetious baronet continued his interruptions much to the amusement and a little to the annoyance of the party.

We should not have mentioned this crotchet of Sir Andrew’s, but that we think it may be not amiss to take this opportunity of observing that persevering witticisms, forced out in rapid succession on all occasions, and a series of smart sayings, good, bad, and indifferent, uttered without abatement, may often excite the outward and visible sign of merriment long after they have ceased to be agreeable. For laughter is not always the sign of satisfaction, any more than tears are always a token of sorrow. There is no man, however stupid, who cannot occasionally say a good thing; and very few, if any, can utter real wit in every sentence; and miserable is the annoyance of everlasting efforts at facetiousness. It is only tolerable in those who are very young or very weak.

But as one great object of archery-meetings is display, we should be guilty of injustice in omitting to notice a young lady of the party, who came with the full intention of eclipsing every one there;—and she succeeded. We refer to Miss Celestina Sampson. She came accompanied by her father, Sir Gilbert Sampson; who, though a new man, was very well received by Sir Andrew. Miss Sampson was not a beauty, but was good-looking and rather pretty; of middle stature, light complexion, and fine natural colour; good-humored and cheerful; ambitious of elegance, but not well-informed as to the means; critical as to the externals of behaviour, and much exposed herself to the same kind of criticism; sadly afraid of vulgarity, though often sinning through mere ignorance. Her appearance and dress attracted, as she designed, universal attention; but not, as she hoped, universal admiration. She had studied costume with more zeal than taste; and vibrating between the costume of Diana and Maid Marian, she at last appeared, if like any thing at all, a tawdry imitation of Fatima, in the play of Blue-beard.

As Sir Gilbert Sampson was also present, we may say a word or two of him. He had been a soap-boiler. True; but what of that?—he had retired from business, and had washed his hands of soap. He had been a soap-boiler. True; but whose fault was that? Not his own: he had no innate, natural, violent, irresistible, unextinguishable propensity for boiling soap; for if he had, he would never have relinquished the pursuit. The fault was his father’s; for had the father of Sir Gilbert been a duke, Sir Gilbert would never have been a soap-boiler. As to the rest, Sir Gilbert Sampson was a man of good understanding, of extensive knowledge, possessing strong natural powers of mind, and altogether free from every species of affectation.

Lady Sampson had, while she lived, governed by permission of her lord and master. She had dictated concerning the petty details of life; and after her death, her daughter reigned in her stead. Sir Gilbert never troubled himself about trifles; but Miss Sampson took all that care entirely off her father’s hands. The pleasure of his life was the company of a few old acquaintances; but he tolerated parties when Miss Sampson could manage to assemble them.

And this was not a difficulty, even though Sir Gilbert had been a soap-boiler; for his cook was not a soap-boiler, and his fishmonger was not a soap-boiler, and his wine merchant was not a soap-boiler. Sir Gilbert’s dinners were very excellent; and those who partook of them praised them much, and did not say a word about soap while they were at dinner; and that was very kind, and exceedingly condescending: for it is a piece of great presumption in a man who has acquired a property by honest industry to give sumptuous entertainments to those who are spending or who have spent what their ancestors earned for them.

Enough for the present of Sir Gilbert Sampson. Be it however observed by the way, that our good and facetious friend, Sir Andrew Featherstone, regarded Sir Gilbert without any feeling of aristocratic pride, and so did many others of his acquaintance; and that even the Hon. Philip Martindale behaved very politely to him, inasmuch as he was occasionally under apprehension that it might be desirable for him to disencumber and improve the Martindale estate by the means of Sir Gilbert’s wealth. At this meeting, owing to previous matters already recorded, the idea of the possibility of Miss Sampson becoming Mrs., and, in process of time, Lady Martindale, took very strong hold of the young gentleman’s imagination. He therefore, without being aware of any difference in his manner, paid very extraordinary attention to Sir Gilbert; and as the young lady observed this, and was rather ambitious of the honor of so high an alliance, and as she thought that the best way to make a conquest, or to secure one already made, was to make herself agreeable; and as she thought that the best way to make herself agreeable was to put herself very much in the way of the person to whom she wished to be agreeable, and to talk to him and listen to his talk, and smile at what he said if he seemed to think it witty, and to manifest that her attention was more taken up with him than with any one else: Miss Sampson acted upon this principle, but in the over-officiousness of her zeal carried her system so far as to make it almost a persecution.

As to the effect thereby produced upon the Hon. Philip Martindale, very little if any progress was made in his affections. He was accustomed to homage and attention, and took it as a matter of course; he had experienced quite as much attention from the friends of ladies of higher rank than Miss Sampson; and the charms of the young lady’s person or conversation were nothing to him in his matrimonial speculations. If Mr. John Martindale had been a man of infirm health, and likely soon to decide the question as to who should possess his large property, Philip Martindale would not have had any thought whatever of an alliance so much beneath the dignity of his rank and the purity of his blood; or were the old gentleman a little less capricious, or had the young gentleman been a little more prudent in the management of his affairs, then Miss Sampson might have had the beauty of a Venus, the wisdom of a Minerva, or the wealth of Crœsus, and these qualities would have made no impression. On the other hand, under the then present circumstances, Miss Sampson needed not to take any pains to render herself agreeable; for had her person been deformed, and her mind that of an idiot, yet her father, by the accumulation of a large fortune, had done quite enough to make her perfectly agreeable.