Rank and Talent; A Novel, Vol. 2 (of 3)

by William Pitt Scargill

The following day, Dr. Crack paid a visit to Henry Augustus Tippetson. Most happy was the young gentleman to see his doctor; most happy was the doctor to see his patient. Both of them thought most highly of themselves, and somewhat highly of each other. They were both desirous of showing off in each other's presence, and neither of them at a loss for words in which to express their elegance and wisdom. Both of them being aspirants, and wishing to impose upon each other, they talked splendidly and mightily; and from their conversation, it might be almost inferred that in the whole course of their being they had never seen or conversed with any other beings in human form than people of rank. They rivalled each other in the splendid and refined. All their talk was concerning superfine subjects and superfine people; and indeed to do them justice, it must be said that they were almost astonished at themselves, for the wonderful dexterity with which they contrived to avoid uttering a single expression which might betray an humble origin, or a savour at all of plebeianism. The subject of nervousness was, of course, canvassed with mighty diligence by the parties; and Mr. Tippetson endeavoured to show himself mightily knowing by talking fluently on a subject which he did not understand.

Every body that is not contented with being a fool likes to be thought wise, and there are many modes by which they endeavour to gain a reputation for wisdom. Some of these modes are by no means judicious. One of them is, by talking to professional men on the matters which have to do with their profession. No man understands that to which he has not given something of study; but how readily will patients prate to their physicians, as if intuition could give more knowledge to a patient than experience and study can give to a physician! The nervous patients are the worst at this amusement. Happy that medical man who has patience to hear them talk, and discretion enough not to laugh at them! Dr. Crack was eminent in this respect. Superlatively patient and enduring was he when his patients bored him with their idle prate. This was one great secret of his success in nervous cases. A secret, indeed, it was in the strictest sense of the word, inasmuch as it was a secret unknown to himself. One reason, to say nothing of his great politeness, why he could bear prate so patiently was, that he was not troubled with any continuous train of thought in his own mind, which might be unpleasantly interrupted by noisy nothingness. Another reason was to be found in his own knowledge of the fact, that nervous patients are most productive when they are allowed by their doctor to have their own way.

With an aspect of profound wisdom, and the semblance of close attention, did the ingenious Dr. Crack listen to the elegant Mr. Tippetson's knowing dissertation on the subject of nerves.

"I have taken the greatest pains imaginable, doctor, to get rid of these horrible nervous sensations. I don't think a single medicine has been advertised for the last five years which I have not taken. I have taken balsams, and balms, and syrups, and decoctions, and lozenges, and pills, and steel, and bark, and soda, and cinnamon, besides a great variety of compositions from private and family recipes; I have consulted almost every medical man of any eminence, and I have perseveringly taken all that they have prescribed. Indeed, I have taken so much medicine, that I may be said to have nearly lived upon it. The apothecary's shop has been my kitchen; and yet I seem to be growing worse instead of better. I do think that my complaint is the most obstinate one ever known, nothing will cure it."

That is very true. Mr. Tippetson's is not a singular case, many are the nervous patients whom nothing will cure; but few are those who have the fortitude to take nothing. Dr. Crack's great nostrum was constructed on this principle. He gave or prescribed to his patients that which amounted to nothing; but as it had a name, and he had a fee, and as his patients seemed to themselves to be taking something, their imaginations were amused, and some of them absolutely got well.

Now when the doctor heard the sad story of Mr. Tippetson's nerves, he found that he should have no great difficulty to restore the young gentleman to health. He spoke therefore with great confidence, affirming that his case had been evidently misunderstood and very improperly treated. Then the doctor proceeded to mention the names and cases of several patients of high rank with whom his treatment had been successful; and at length the conversation passed on from nerves to fashionable life. Among other fashionable amusements, mention was made of Mr. Henderson's preaching. Both the doctor and his patient agreed, that it was never worth while to go to church but for the sake of hearing an eloquent and splendid preacher. They also agreed, that Mr. Henderson was a very pleasant gentlemanly man, not at all like a parson. They also coincided in the opinion, that Miss Henderson was pretty and agreeable. Mr. Tippetson thought her something of a blue-stocking, and Dr. Crack thought her a very well-informed and intelligent young lady. Mr. Tippetson, by means of that instinct of which we have spoken above, soon perceived that the doctor was somewhat captivated with the charms of this lady; and having no reason for disliking Miss Henderson, but rather wishing to see her provided with a husband, so as he himself was not the person, he spoke fluently and readily in praise of the young lady, till the ingenious Dr. Crack fancied that the wisest step which he could take would be to make at once an offer of his hand to the daughter of the celebrated and popular Mr. Henderson. It occurred to him also, that by such a connexion his professional notoriety would be increased, and the number of his patients augmented. Thereupon, like those who whistle aloud to keep their courage up, he launched out in praise of the virtues, graces, and beauties of Miss Henderson, till he was astonished that such a paragon of excellence should have remained single so long. And as the next nervous patient that was on his list was Mrs. Henderson, the doctor proceeded to the residence of the great orator, proudly conscious of his own importance, and filled with the thought that the announcement of the marriage of Dr. Crack to Rebecca, eldest daughter, &c., would look mightily magnificent in the eyes of his former humble acquaintance. For though he had dropped all intercourse with the companions and friends of his early youth, he could not help now and then glancing a thought towards them. Oftentimes, when he was admiring and envying the splendid apartments into which some of his professional visits introduced him, he had a thought of his former humble friends, and he said within himself, "How little do they think of the grandeur to which I am introduced!" There is a gratification in greatness from its contrast with littleness. It is a pleasure to look down from an eminence, but it makes weak heads giddy.

The visit which Dr. Crack paid Mrs. Henderson under these circumstances was one of unusual duration, and of extraordinary eloquence. At his first entering the apartment, which was as usual with a most pompous and consequential air, he addressed his patient in language of encouragement.

"I think, madam, if I may form an inference from complexional indications, the progress of your complaint seems to be very rapid towards convalescence. Your natural vivacity appears to be returning, and your visual organs are resuming their native brilliancy."