‘In this sense of my low estate, I sought after the Lord, I read Scriptures, I watched over mine own heart, I cried unto the Lord for what I felt the want of, I blessed his name in what he mercifully did for me, and bestowed on me, &c. Whatever I read in the Scriptures, as the way of God to my understanding, I gave myself to the faithful practice of; being contented to meet with all the reproach, opposition, and several kinds of sufferings, which it pleased the Lord to measure out to me therein; and I cannot but say, that the Lord was good unto me, did visit me, did teach me, and help me, did testify his acceptance of me many times, to the refreshing and joy of my heart before him.
‘But my soul was not satisfied with what I met with, nor indeed could be, there being further quickenings and pressings in my spirit, after a more full, certain, and satisfactory knowledge; even after the sense, sight and enjoyment of God, as was testified in the Scriptures to have been felt and enjoyed in the former times; for I saw plainly, that there was a stop of the streams, and a great falling short of the power, life, and glory, which they partook of. We had not so the spirit, nor were so in the faith, nor did so walk and live in God, as they did. They were come to Mount Sion and the heavenly Jerusalem, &c. which we had hardly so much as the literal knowledge or apprehension what they were. So that I saw the whole course of religion among us, was, for the most part, but a talk, to what they felt, enjoyed, possessed, and lived in.
‘This sense made me sick at heart indeed, and set me upon deep crying to God, close searching the Scriptures, and waiting on God, that I might receive the pure sense and understanding of them, from and in the light, and by the help of his Spirit. And what the Lord did bestow on me in that state, with thankfulness I remember before him at this very day: for he was then my God, and a pitier and a watcher over; though he had not pleased then to direct me, how to stay my mind upon him and abide with him. And then I was led, (indeed I was led, I did not run of myself,) into a way of separation from the worship of the world, into a gathered society; for this both the Scripture and the Spirit of God in me gave testimony unto; and what we then met with, and what leadings and help we then felt, there is a remembrance and testimony in my heart to this day. But there was somewhat wanting, and we mistook our way, for whereas we should have pressed forward into the spirit and power, we ran too much outward into letter and form; and though the Lord in many things helped us, yet therein he was against us, and brought darkness, confusion, and scattering upon us. I was sorely broken and darkened, and in this darkened state, sometimes lay still for a long season, secretly mourning and crying out to the Lord night and day; sometimes I ran about, hearkening after what might appear or break forth in others, but never met with any thing, whereto there was the least answer in my heart, save in one people, who had a touch of truth; but I never expressed so much to any of them, nor indeed felt them at all able to reach my condition.
‘At last, after all my distresses, wanderings, and sore travails, I met with some writings of this people called Quakers, which I cast a slight eye upon and disdained, as falling very short of that wisdom, light, life, and power, which I had been longing for and searching after: I had likewise, some pretty distance of time after this, opportunity of meeting with some of them, and divers of them were by the Lord moved, (I know it to be so since,) to come to me: as I remember at the very first they reached to the life of God in me; which life answered their voice, and caused a great love in me to spring to them; but still in my reasonings with them, and disputes alone, in my mind, concerning them, I was very far off from owning them, as so knowing the Lord, or so appearing in his life and power as my condition needed, and as my soul waited for. Yea, the more I conversed with them, the more I seemed in my understanding and reason to get over them, and to trample them under my feet, as a poor, weak, silly, contemptible generation; who had some smatterings of truth in them, and some honest desires towards God, but very far off from the clear and full understanding of his way and will. And this was the effect almost of every discourse with them, they still reached my heart, and I felt them in the secrets of my soul, which caused the love in me always to continue, yea sometimes to increase towards them; but daily my understanding got more and more over them, and therein I daily more and more despised them.
‘After a long time I was invited to hear one of them, (as I had been often, they in tender love pitying me, and feeling my want of that which they possessed,) and there was an answer in my heart, and I went in fear and trembling, with desires to the most High, who was over all, and knew all, that I might not receive any thing for truth, which was not of him, nor withstand any thing which was of him, but might bow before the appearance of the Lord my God, and none other: and indeed, when I came, I felt the presence and power of the most High among them: and words of truth, from the spirit of truth, reaching to my heart and conscience, opening my state as in the presence of the Lord. Yea, I did not only feel words and demonstrations from without, but I felt the dead quickened, the seed raised, insomuch as my heart, in the certainty of light and clearness of true sense, said, ‘This is he, this is he, there is no other; this is he whom I have waited for and sought after from my childhood, who was always near me, and had often begotten life in my heart, but I knew him not distinctly, nor how to receive him, or dwell with him.’ And then in this sense in the melting and breakings of my spirit, was I given up to the Lord, to become his, both in waiting for the further revealings of his seed in me, and to serve him in the life and power of his seed.
‘Now what I met with after this, in my travails, in my waitings, in my spiritual exercises, is not to be uttered; only in general I may say this, I met with the very strength of hell. The cruel oppressor roared upon me, and made me feel the bitterness of his captivity, while he had any power; yea, the Lord was far from my help, and from the voice of my roaring. I also met with deep subtilties and devices to entangle me in that wisdom, which seemeth able to make wise in the things of God; but indeed is foolishness and a snare to the soul, bringing it back into captivity, where the enemy’s gins prevail. And what I met with outwardly from my own dear father, from my kindred, from my servants, from the people and powers of the world, for no other cause but fearing my God, worshipping him as he hath required of me, and bowing to his seed, (which is his Son,) who is to be worshipped by men and angels for evermore, the Lord my God knoweth, before whom my heart and way are, who preserved me in love to them, in the midst of all I suffered from them, and doth still so preserve me, blessed be his pure and holy name.
‘But some may desire to know what I have at last met with: I answer, ‘I have met with the seed.’ Understand that word, and thou wilt be satisfied, and inquire no further. I have met with my God, I have met with my Saviour; and he hath not been present with me without his salvation; but I have felt the healing drop upon my soul from under his wings. I have met with the true knowledge, the knowledge of life, the living knowledge, the knowledge which is life; and this hath had the true virtue in it, which my soul hath rejoiced in, in the presence of the Lord. I have met with the seed’s father, and in the seed I have felt him my father; there I have read his nature, his love, his compassions, his tenderness, which have melted, overcome, and changed my heart before him. I have met with the seed’s faith, which hath done and doth that which the faith of man can never do. I have met with the true birth, with the birth which is heir of the kingdom, and inherits the kingdom. I have met with the true spirit of prayer and supplication, wherein the Lord is prevailed with, and which draws from him whatever the condition needs, the soul always looking up to him in the will, and in the time and way which is acceptable with him. What shall I say? I have met with the true peace, the true righteousness, the true holiness, the true rest of the soul, the everlasting habitation, which the redeemed dwell in. And I know all these to be true, in him that is true, and am capable of no doubt, dispute, or reasoning in my mind about them, it abiding there, where it hath received the full assurance and satisfaction. And also I know very well and distinctly in spirit, where the doubts and disputes are, and where the certainty and full assurance is, and in the tender mercy of the Lord am preserved out of the one, and in the other.
‘Now, the Lord knows, these things I do not utter in a boasting way, but would rather be speaking of my nothingness, my emptiness, my weakness, my manifold infirmities, which I feel more than ever. The Lord hath broken the man’s part in me, and I am a worm and no man before him: I have no strength to do any good or service for him; nay, I cannot watch over or preserve myself: I feel daily that I keep not alive my own soul, but am weaker before men, yea weaker in my spirit, as in myself, than ever I have been. But I cannot but utter to the praise of my God, that I feel his arm stretched out for me; and my weakness, which I feel in myself, is not my loss, but advantage, before him. And these things I write, as having no end at all therein of my own, but felt it this morning required of me, and so in submission and subjection to my God, have I given up to do it, leaving the success and service of it with him.
I. PENNINGTON.’
Aylesbury, 15th of 3d month, 1667.