King Henry IV, Part 2

by William Shakespeare

Enter the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE and his men

CHIEF JUSTICE. What is the matter? Keep the peace here, ho!
HOSTESS. Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you, stand to
me.
CHIEF JUSTICE. How now, Sir John! what, are you brawling here?

Doth this become your place, your time, and business?
You should have been well on your way to York.
Stand from him, fellow; wherefore hang'st thou upon him?
HOSTESS. O My most worshipful lord, an't please your Grace, I
am a
poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.
CHIEF JUSTICE. For what sum?
HOSTESS. It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all—all
I
have. He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all
my
substance into that fat belly of his. But I will have some of
it
out again, or I will ride thee a nights like a mare.
FALSTAFF. I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any
vantage of ground to get up.
CHIEF JUSTICE. How comes this, Sir John? Fie! What man of good
temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not
ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come
by
her own?
FALSTAFF. What is the gross sum that I owe thee?
HOSTESS. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the
money
too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet,
sitting in
my Dolphin chamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire,
upon
Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the Prince broke thy head for
liking his father to singing-man of Windsor—thou didst swear
to
me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me
my
lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech,
the
butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly?
Coming
in to borrow a mess of vinegar, telling us she had a good
dish of
prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I told
thee they were ill for green wound? And didst thou not, when
she
was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity
with
such poor people, saying that ere long they should call me
madam?
And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch the thirty
shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath. Deny it, if thou
canst.
FALSTAFF. My lord, this is a poor mad soul, and she says up and
down the town that her eldest son is like you. She hath been
in
good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her.
But
for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress
against them.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with
your
manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a

confident brow, nor the throng of words that come with such
more
than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level
consideration. You have, as it appears to me, practis'd upon
the
easy yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your
uses
both in purse and in person.
HOSTESS. Yea, in truth, my lord.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe her,
and
unpay the villainy you have done with her; the one you may do
with sterling money, and the other with current repentance.
FALSTAFF. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply.
You
call honourable boldness impudent sauciness; if a man will
make
curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord, my
humble
duty rememb'red, I will not be your suitor. I say to you I do
desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty
employment in the King's affairs.
CHIEF JUSTICE. You speak as having power to do wrong; but
answer in
th' effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman.
FALSTAFF. Come hither, hostess.

Enter GOWER

CHIEF JUSTICE. Now, Master Gower, what news?
GOWER. The King, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
Are near at hand. The rest the paper tells. [Gives a letter]
FALSTAFF. As I am a gentleman!
HOSTESS. Faith, you said so before.
FALSTAFF. As I am a gentleman! Come, no more words of it.
HOSTESS. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to
pawn
both my plate and the tapestry of my dining-chambers.
FALSTAFF. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking; and for thy
walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the
Prodigal, or
the German hunting, in water-work, is worth a thousand of
these
bed-hangers and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten
pound,
if thou canst. Come, and 'twere not for thy humours, there's
not
a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the
action. Come, thou must not be in this humour with me; dost
not
know me? Come, come, I know thou wast set on to this.
HOSTESS. Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles;
i' faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God save me, la!
FALSTAFF. Let it alone; I'll make other shift. You'll be a fool

still.
HOSTESS. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown.
I hope you'll come to supper. you'll pay me all together?
FALSTAFF. Will I live? [To BARDOLPH] Go, with her, with her;
hook
on, hook on.
HOSTESS. Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?
FALSTAFF. No more words; let's have her.
Exeunt HOSTESS, BARDOLPH, and OFFICERS
CHIEF JUSTICE. I have heard better news.
FALSTAFF. What's the news, my lord?
CHIEF JUSTICE. Where lay the King to-night?
GOWER. At Basingstoke, my lord.
FALSTAFF. I hope, my lord, all's well. What is the news, my
lord?
CHIEF JUSTICE. Come all his forces back?
GOWER. No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,
Are march'd up to my Lord of Lancaster,
Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.
FALSTAFF. Comes the King back from Wales, my noble lord?
CHIEF JUSTICE. You shall have letters of me presently.
Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.
FALSTAFF. My lord!
CHIEF JUSTICE. What's the matter?
FALSTAFF. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner?
GOWER. I must wait upon my good lord here, I thank you, good
Sir
John.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you
are to
take soldiers up in counties as you go.
FALSTAFF. Will you sup with me, Master Gower?
CHIEF JUSTICE. What foolish master taught you these manners,
Sir
John?
FALSTAFF. Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool
that
taught them me. This is the right fencing grace, my lord; tap
for
tap, and so part fair.
CHIEF JUSTICE. Now, the Lord lighten thee! Thou art a great
fool.
Exeunt

SCENE II. London. Another street

Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS

PRINCE. Before God, I am exceeding weary.
POINS. Is't come to that? I had thought weariness durst not
have
attach'd one of so high blood.
PRINCE. Faith, it does me; though it discolours the complexion
of
my greatness to acknowledge it. Doth it not show vilely in me
to
desire small beer?
POINS. Why, a prince should not be so loosely studied as to
remember so weak a composition.
PRINCE. Belike then my appetite was not-princely got; for, by
my
troth, I do now remember the poor creature, small beer. But
indeed these humble considerations make me out of love with
my
greatness. What a disgrace is it to me to remember thy name,
or
to know thy face to-morrow, or to take note how many pair of
silk
stockings thou hast—viz., these, and those that were thy
peach-colour'd ones—or to bear the inventory of thy shirts-
as,
one for superfluity, and another for use! But that the
tennis-court-keeper knows better than I; for it is a low ebb
of
linen with thee when thou keepest not racket there; as thou
hast
not done a great while, because the rest of thy low countries
have made a shift to eat up thy holland. And God knows
whether
those that bawl out of the ruins of thy linen shall inherit
his
kingdom; but the midwives say the children are not in the
fault;
whereupon the world increases, and kindreds are mightily
strengthened.
POINS. How ill it follows, after you have laboured so hard, you
should talk so idly! Tell me, how many good young princes
would
do so, their fathers being so sick as yours at this time is?
PRINCE. Shall I tell thee one thing, Poins?
POINS. Yes, faith; and let it be an excellent good thing.
PRINCE. It shall serve among wits of no higher breeding than
thine.
POINS. Go to; I stand the push of your one thing that you will
tell.
PRINCE. Marry, I tell thee it is not meet that I should be sad,
now
my father is sick; albeit I could tell to thee—as to one it
pleases me, for fault of a better, to call my friend—I could
be
sad and sad indeed too.
POINS. Very hardly upon such a subject.
PRINCE. By this hand, thou thinkest me as far in the devil's
book
as thou and Falstaff for obduracy and persistency: let the
end
try the man. But I tell thee my heart bleeds inwardly that my
father is so sick; and keeping such vile company as thou art
hath
in reason taken from me all ostentation of sorrow.
POINS. The reason?
PRINCE. What wouldst thou think of me if I should weep?
POINS. I would think thee a most princely hypocrite.
PRINCE. It would be every man's thought; and thou art a blessed
fellow to think as every man thinks. Never a man's thought in
the
world keeps the road-way better than thine. Every man would
think
me an hypocrite indeed. And what accites your most worshipful
thought to think so?
POINS. Why, because you have been so lewd and so much engraffed
to
Falstaff.
PRINCE. And to thee.
POINS. By this light, I am well spoke on; I can hear it with
mine
own ears. The worst that they can say of me is that I am a
second
brother and that I am a proper fellow of my hands; and those
two
things, I confess, I cannot help. By the mass, here comes
Bardolph.