PORTER.
What should you do, but knock ’em down by th’ dozens? Is this Moorfields to muster in? Or have we some strange Indian with the great tool come to court, the women so besiege us? Bless me, what a fry of fornication is at door! On my Christian conscience, this one christening will beget a thousand; here will be father, godfather, and all together.
PORTER’S MAN.
The spoons will be the bigger, sir. There is a fellow somewhat near the door—he should be a brazier by his face, for, o’ my conscience, twenty of the dog-days now reign in’s nose. All that stand about him are under the line; they need no other penance. That fire-drake did I hit three times on the head, and three times was his nose discharged against me. He stands there, like a mortar-piece, to blow us. There was a haberdasher’s wife of small wit near him that railed upon me till her pinked porringer fell off her head for kindling such a combustion in the state. I missed the meteor once and hit that woman, who cried out “Clubs!” when I might see from far some forty truncheoners draw to her succour, which were the hope o’ th’ Strand, where she was quartered. They fell on; I made good my place; at length they came to th’ broomstaff to me; I defied ’em still, when suddenly a file of boys behind ’em, loose shot, delivered such a shower of pebbles that I was fain to draw mine honour in and let ’em win the work. The devil was amongst ’em, I think, surely.
PORTER.
These are the youths that thunder at a playhouse and fight for bitten apples, that no audience but the tribulation of Tower Hill or the limbs of Limehouse, their dear brothers, are able to endure. I have some of ’em in Limbo Patrum, and there they are like to dance these three days, besides the running banquet of two beadles that is to come.
Enter Lord Chamberlain.
CHAMBERLAIN.
Mercy o’ me, what a multitude are here!
They grow still too. From all parts they are coming,
As if we kept a fair here! Where are these porters,
These lazy knaves? You’ve made a fine hand, fellows!
There’s a trim rabble let in. Are all these
Your faithful friends o’ th’ suburbs? We shall have
Great store of room, no doubt, left for the ladies,
When they pass back from the christening.
PORTER.
An’t please your honour,
We are but men; and what so many may do,
Not being torn a-pieces, we have done.
An army cannot rule ’em.
CHAMBERLAIN.
As I live,
If the King blame me for’t, I’ll lay ye all
By th’ heels, and suddenly, and on your heads
Clap round fines for neglect. You’re lazy knaves,
And here ye lie baiting of bombards, when
Ye should do service. Hark, the trumpets sound!
They’re come already from the christening.
Go break among the press, and find a way out
To let the troops pass fairly, or I’ll find
A Marshalsea shall hold ye play these two months.
PORTER.
Make way there for the Princess!
PORTER’S MAN.
You great fellow,
Stand close up, or I’ll make your head ache.
PORTER.
You i’ th’ camlet, get up o’ th’ rail!
I’ll peck you o’er the pales else.