[053] Touch. God ’ild you, sir; I desire you of the like. I press in here, sir, amongst the rest of the country copulatives, [055] to swear and to forswear; according as marriage binds and blood breaks: a poor virgin, sir, an ill-favoured thing, sir, but mine own; a poor humour of mine, sir, to take that that no man else will: rich honesty dwells like a miser, sir, in a poor house; as your pearl in your foul oyster.
060 Duke S. By my faith, he is very swift and sententious.
[061] Touch. According to the fool’s bolt, sir, and such dulcet [062] diseases.
Jaq. But, for the seventh cause; how did you find the quarrel on the seventh cause?
065 Touch. Upon a lie seven times removed:—bear your body more seeming, Audrey:—as thus, sir. I did dislike the cut of a certain courtier’s beard: he sent me word, if I said his beard was not cut well, he was in the mind it was: this is called the Retort Courteous. If I sent him word 070 again ‘it was not well cut,’ he would send me word, he cut it to please himself: this is called the Quip Modest. If again ‘it was not well cut,’ he disabled my judgement: this is called the Reply Churlish. If again ‘it was not well cut,’ he would answer, I spake not true: this is called the Reproof 075 Valiant. If again ‘it was not well cut,’ he would say, [076] I lie: this is called the Countercheck Quarrelsome: and so to the Lie Circumstantial and the Lie Direct.
Jaq. And how oft did you say his beard was not well cut?
080 Touch. I durst go no further than the Lie Circumstantial, nor he durst not give me the Lie Direct; and so we measured swords and parted.
Jaq. Can you nominate in order now the degrees of the lie?
085 Touch. O sir, we quarrel in print, by the book; as you have books for good manners: I will name you the degrees. The first, the Retort Courteous; the second, the Quip Modest; the third, the Reply Churlish; the fourth, the Reproof Valiant; the fifth, the Countercheck Quarrelsome; 090 the sixth, the Lie with Circumstance; the seventh, the Lie Direct. All these you may avoid but the Lie Direct; and you may avoid that too, with an If. I knew when seven [093] justices could not take up a quarrel, but when the parties were met themselves, one of them thought but of an If, as, 095 ‘If you said so, then I said so;’ and they shook hands and swore brothers. Your If is the only peace-maker; much virtue in If.
[098] Jaq. Is not this a rare fellow, my lord? he’s as good at any thing and yet a fool.