Previous to the closing of the curtain, you have still an additional chance for more depredations upon the unfortunate husband; should stagnant milk occasion a coagulum in the lacteals, constituting a turgency of the breasts, threatening a formation of matter, suppuration becomes almost unavoidable, and you promote it accordingly; this leads to certain operation, daily dressings, &c. all tend to encrease your interest, and give you the enjoyment of a temporary monopoly in the joint practice of midwifery, surgery, and physic.
TO THE APOTHECARY.
The varieties of your past, as well as the personal requisites for your future destination, are of such a pantomimic and party-coloured complexion, that I cannot proceed to a recital so truly risible, without first offering you, in the lines of Woty, a predominant trait in my own character,
“I love to laugh, though Care stand frowning bye,
And pale Misfortune rolls her meagre eye.”
Thus happily disposed to those brilliant sallies of mirth, that almost renovate life, and set melancholy at defiance, you will be the less liable to surprise, that I shall descend to the very minutiæ of your necessary qualifications, for the support of so arduous and complicated a character as you are now going to perform upon the theatre of life.
It is very natural to conclude you have, during the tedious years of initiation as an apprentice, and your more mature services as a journeyman, (politely ycleped assistant) whether in the metropolis, or the country, gone through every degree of drudgery, and feelingly experienced every indignity, that insolent pride could bestow, or patient merit receive. Not an inferior trust (of the inferior part of the faculty) but you have carried into execution, from the injection of an enema in a garret, to the separation of an emplastrum vesicatorium in a workhouse. These are offices of humanity and service to your fellow creatures, that do you immortal honour; they are retrospectives that form an epoch in the mind of every practitioner, and afford him the powerful consolation of sacred truth, “He that humbleth himself,” &c. by which rule, and the force of a fertile imagination, any apothecary may conceive himself a physician, even in the administration of a glyster. In this hospitable execution (taken metaphorically) there cannot be supposed the least indignity; for it is universally known the greatest and most prudent generals are in the rear during the heat of battle; and we are again taught seriously to believe “the last shall be first,” &c. so that you have every way, (by both faith and services) insured a religious and prophetic hope of preferment.
Having for many years encountered the worst, you are now prepared for the best; and bidding adieu to the rigid rules of austere masters, embark upon your own foundation, qualified for every medical consultation, from the bedchamber of a duchess dowager to the subterraneous residence of her chairman. You have, at this period, not only shaken off the shackles of servitude, but the very recollection of your long standing culinary connections. In your various changes of residence, tedious peregrinations, and medical observations, it is natural to conclude, you have acquired by care, study, and attention, a competent knowledge of almost every tint in the picture of life; which, with embellishments, derived from a few courses under some of the metropolitan lecturers, and hospital attendance, to qualify you for the complication of country practice, there is no doubt but you come from the forge properly formed, to make wrong appear right, and right wrong, in the face of every old woman in the county where you are going to reside.
Exclusive of these qualifications, and the many instructions already introduced under the two preceding heads (to which you may occasionally refer) there are a great variety that must be advanced for your particular use, and to those you will, no doubt, pay every proper attention, if you indulge the least desire to become a popular member of the faculty. In respect to personal appearance, former distinctions and peculiarities are in some degree levelled, the world is very much relaxed in its severities, and the apothecary mixes with the general herd of mankind, without those distinguishing exteriors that were his professional characteristics. The gilt-headed cane and enormous tassel are no longer in use; the full-bottom wig, that so universally ornamented the os frontis of the faculty in general, is now almost laid aside with inferior classes, and engrossed by the college. The apothecary (particularly in the country) is in every respect free from the illiberal censure of former times, and treading close upon the heels of the parson and the lawyer, enjoys, without restraint, the chace, the gun, the bottle, and bona-roba. These, if you are of a volatile disposition and amorous constitution, afford (at seasonable opportunities) a happy and high relished relaxation from the many severities of medical practice.