LINCOLN’S YARNS AND STORIES
A Complete Collection of the Funny and Witty Anecdotes that made Abraham Lincoln Famous as America’s Greatest Story Teller With Introduction and Anecdotes
By Alexander K. McClure
THE JOHN C. WINSTON COMPANY
CHICAGO & PHILADELPHIA
ABRAHAM LINCOLN, the Great Story Telling President, whose Emancipation Proclamation freed more than four million slaves, was a keen politician, profound statesman, shrewd diplomatist, a thorough judge of men and possessed of an intuitive knowledge of affairs. He was the first Chief Executive to die at the hands of an assassin. Without school education he rose to power by sheer merit and will-power. Born in a Kentucky log cabin in 1809, his surroundings being squalid, his chances for advancement were apparently hopeless. President Lincoln died April 15th, 1865, having been shot by J. Wilkes Booth the night before.
CONTENTS
[ LINCOLN’S NAME AROUSES AN AUDIENCE ]
[ “ABE” LINCOLN’S YARNS AND STORIES. ]
[ HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN NATURE. ]
[ THE PRESIDENTIAL “CHIN-FLY.” ]
[ ‘SQUIRE BAGLY’S PRECEDENT. ]
[ “ABE’S” HAIR NEEDED COMBING. ]
[ WOULD “TAKE TO THE WOODS.” ]
[ LINCOLN CARRIED HER TRUNK. ]
[ MCCLELLAN’S “SPECIAL TALENT.” ]
[ MORE LIGHT AND LESS NOISE. ]
[ LINCOLN’S STORY TO PEACE COMMISSIONERS. ]
[ “ABE” GOT THE WORST OF IT. ]
[ IT DEPENDED UPON HIS CONDITION. ]
[ “GOT DOWN TO THE RAISINS.” ]
[ “HONEST ABE” SWALLOWS HIS ENEMIES. ]
[ A JOB FOR THE NEW CABINETMAKER. ]
[ “I CAN STAND IT IF THEY CAN.” ]
[ LINCOLN MISTAKEN FOR ONCE. ]
[ FORGOT EVERYTHING HE KNEW. ]
[ WANTED TO BURN HIM DOWN TO THE STUMP. ]
[ THE CASE OF BETSY ANN DOUGHERTY. ]
[ HAD TO WEAR A WOODEN SWORD. ]
[ “ABE” STIRRING THE “BLACK” COALS. ]
[ GETTING RID OF AN ELEPHANT. ]
[ CHARACTERISTIC OF LINCOLN. ]
[ LOST HIS CERTIFICATE OF CHARACTER. ]
[ NOTE PRESENTED FOR PAYMENT. ]
[ DOG WAS A “LEETLE BIT AHEAD.” ]
[ “ABE’S” FIGHT WITH NEGROES. ]
[ WARDING OFF GOD’S VENGEANCE. ]
[ JEFF DAVIS AND CHARLES THE FIRST. ]
[ A CONTEST WITH LITTLE “TAD.” ]
[ REMINDED HIM OF “A LITTLE STORY.” ]
[ “FETCHED SEVERAL SHORT ONES.” ]
[ McCLELLAN WAS “INTRENCHING.” ]
[ MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT, ANYWAY. ]
[ VICIOUS OXEN HAVE SHORT HORNS. ]
[ LINCOLN’S NAME FOR “WEEPING WATER.” ]
[ PETER CARTWRIGHT’S DESCRIPTION OF LINCOLN. ]
[ “BOTH LENGTH AND BREADTH.” ]
[ GRANT “TUMBLED” RIGHT AWAY. ]
[ “DON’T KILL HIM WITH YOUR FIST.” ]
[ NO POSTMASTERS IN HIS POCKET. ]
[ “WHEREAS,” HE STOLE NOTHING. ]
[ DARNED UNCOMFORTABLE SITTING. ]
[ “WHAT’S-HIS-NAME” GOT THERE. ]
[ LINCOLN ADOPTED THE SUGGESTION. ]
[ TOO MANY PIGS FOR THE TEATS. ]
[ GREELEY CARRIES LINCOLN TO THE LUNATIC ASYLUM. ]
[ THE LAST TIME HE SAW DOUGLAS. ]
[ HIS FIRST SATIRICAL WRITING. ]
[ SAFE AS LONG AS THEY WERE GOOD. ]
[ “SMELT NO ROYALTY IN OUR CARRIAGE.” ]
[ HELL A MILE FROM THE WHITE HOUSE. ]
[ “WHO COMMENCED THIS FUSS?” ]
[ ORIGIN OF THE “INFLUENCE” STORY. ]
[ “LONG ABE” FOUR YEARS LONGER. ]
[ EASIER TO EMPTY THE POTOMAC. ]
[ LINCOLN SAW STANTON ABOUT IT. ]
[ TROOPS COULDN’T FLY OVER IT. ]
[ PAT WAS “FORNINST THE GOVERNMENT.” ]
[ “AARON GOT HIS COMMISSION.” ]
[ LINCOLN AND THE MINISTERS. ]
[ HARDTACK BETTER THAN GENERALS. ]
[ STORIES BETTER THAN DOCTORS. ]
[ MR. BULL DIDN’T GET HIS COTTON. ]
[ STICK TO AMERICAN PRINCIPLES. ]
[ WANTED TO “BORROW” THE ARMY. ]
[ “AND YOU DON’T WEAR HOOPSKIRTS.” ]
[ LIEUTENANT TAD LINCOLN’S SENTINELS. ]
[ DOUGLAS HELD LINCOLN’S HAT. ]
[ MILITARY SNAILS NOT SPEEDY. ]
[ “ABE, YOU CAN’T PLAY THAT ON ME.” ]
[ COLD MOLASSES WAS SWIFTER. ]
[ LINCOLN CALLS MEDILL A COWARD. ]
[ STANTON’S ABUSE OF LINCOLN. ]
[ THE NEGRO AND THE CROCODILE. ]
[ LINCOLN WAS READY TO FIGHT. ]
[ “MRS. NORTH AND HER ATTORNEY.” ]
[ TELLS AN EDITOR ABOUT NASBY. ]
[ “WEBSTER COULDN’T HAVE DONE MORE.” ]
[ REMINDED “ABE” OF A LITTLE JOKE. ]
[ THE MAN HE WAS LOOKING FOR ]
[ THE GENERAL WAS “HEADED IN” ]
[ COULD MAKE “RABBIT-TRACKS.” ]
[ LINCOLN PROTECTED CURRENCY ISSUES. ]
[ LINCOLN’S APOLOGY TO GRANT. ]
[ IT TICKLED THE LITTLE WOMAN. ]
[ “SHALL ALL FALL TOGETHER.” ]
[ “THOROUGH” IS A GOOD WORD. ]
[ THE CABINET WAS A-SETTIN’. ]
[ NO KIND TO GET TO HEAVEN ON. ]
[ THE CABINET LINCOLN WANTED. ]
[ “THE BAD BIRD AND THE MUDSILL.” ]
[ GAVE THE SOLDIER HIS FISH. ]
[ FATHER OF THE “GREENBACK.” ]
[ MAJOR ANDERSON’S BAD MEMORY. ]
[ PRESIDENT LINCOLN’S LAST PUBLIC ADDRESS. ]
[ WELCOMED THE LITTLE GIRLS. ]
[ MOST VALUABLE POLITICAL ATTRIBUTE. ]
[ “ABE” RESENTED THE INSULT. ]
[ HIS THEORY OF THE REBELLION. ]
[ IDENTIFIED THE COLORED MAN. ]
[ OFFICE SEEKERS WORSE THAN WAR. ]
[ “JEFFY” THREW UP THE SPONGE. ]
[ DIDN’T KNOW GRANT’S PREFERENCE. ]
[ NO FALSE PRIDE IN LINCOLN. ]
[ EXTRA MEMBER OF THE CABINET. ]
[ HOW “FIGHTING JOE” WAS APPOINTED. ]
[ A FORTUNE-TELLER’S PREDICTION. ]
[ SHOULD HAVE FOUGHT ANOTHER BATTLE. ]
[ NO WAR WITHOUT BLOOD-LETTING. ]
[ LINCOLN’S TWO DIFFICULTIES. ]
[ WHITE ELEPHANT ON HIS HANDS. ]
[ WHEN LINCOLN AND GRANT CLASHED. ]
[ WON JAMES GORDON BENNETT’S SUPPORT. ]
[ STOOD BY THE “SILENT MAN.” ]
[ GO DOWN WITH COLORS FLYING. ]
[ DIDN’T WANT A MILITARY REPUTATION. ]
[ LINCOLN’S REJECTED MANUSCRIPT. ]
[ LINCOLN AS A STORY WRITER. ]
[ LINCOLN’S IDEAS ON CROSSING A RIVER WHEN HE GOT TO IT. ]
[ PRESIDENT NOMINATED FIRST. ]
[ “CONSIDER THE SYMPATHY OF LINCOLN.” ]
[ HIS PASSES TO RICHMOND NOT HONORED. ]
[ “PUBLIC HANGMAN” FOR THE UNITED STATES. ]
[ THERE WAS NO NEED OF A STORY. ]
[ LINCOLN A MAN OF SIMPLE HABITS. ]
[ FORGOT EVERYTHING HE KNEW BEFORE. ]
[ LINCOLN BELIEVED IN EDUCATION. ]
[ LINCOLN ON THE DRED SCOTT DECISION. ]
[ LINCOLN MADE MANY NOTABLE SPEECHES. ]
[ CALLED BLESSINGS ON THE AMERICAN WOMEN. ]
[ LINCOLN’S “ORDER NO. 252.” ]
[ TALKED TO THE NEGROES OF RICHMOND. ]
[ “ABE” ADDED A SAVING CLAUSE. ]
[ ANGELS COULDN’T SWEAR IT RIGHT. ]
[ “MUST GO, AND GO TO STAY.” ]
[ LINCOLN WASN’T BUYING NOMINATIONS. ]
[ HE ENVIED THE SOLDIER AT THE FRONT. ]
[ HE’D “RISK THE DICTATORSHIP.” ]
[ “MAJOR GENERAL, I RECKON.” ]
[ “ABE” GAVE HER A “SURE TIP.” ]
[ THE PRESIDENT HAD KNOWLEDGE OF HIM. ]
[ GRANT CONGRATULATED LINCOLN. ]
[ HOW STANTON GOT INTO THE CABINET. ]
[ WHY HE WAS CALLED “HONEST ABE.” ]
[ “ABE’S” NAME REMAINED ON THE SIGN. ]
[ VERY HOMELY AT FIRST SIGHT. ]
[ “WUZ GOIN’ TER BE ‘HITCHED.”’ ]
[ HE PROPOSED TO SAVE THE UNION. ]
[ WOULD NOT RECALL A SINGLE WORD. ]
[ WE HAVE LIBERTY OF ALL KINDS. ]
[ TOM CORWINS’S LATEST STORY. ]
[ “CATCH ‘EM AND CHEAT ‘EM.” ]
[ SIX FEET FOUR AT SEVENTEEN. ]
[ “PULLED FODDER” FOR A BOOK. ]
[ PRAISES HIS RIVAL FOR OFFICE. ]
[ ONE THING “ABE” DIDN’T LOVE. ]
[ WOULDN’T HOLD TITLE AGAINST HIM. ]
[ COULDN’T LOCATE HIS BIRTHPLACE. ]
[ “ABE” OFFERS A SPEECH FOR SOMETHING TO EAT. ]
[ THEY UNDERSTOOD EACH OTHER. ]
[ THE “GREAT SNOW” OF 1830-31. ]
[ CREDITOR PAID DEBTORS DEBT. ]
[ “BUTCHER-KNIFE BOYS” AT THE POLLS. ]
[ NO “SECOND COMING” FOR SPRINGFIELD. ]
[ THE LINCOLN HOUSEHOLD GOODS. ]
[ WAS “BOSS” WHEN NECESSARY. ]
[ “RATHER STARVE THAN SWINDLE.” ]
[ NOT MUCH AT RAIL-SPLITTING. ]
[ GAVE THE SOLDIER THE PREFERENCE. ]
[ THE PRESIDENT WAS NOT SCARED. ]
[ JEFF. DAVIS’ REPLY TO LINCOLN. ]
[ DESERTER’S SINS WASHED OUT IN BLOOD. ]
[ SPECIFIC FOR FOREIGN “RASH.” ]
[ THOUGHT OF LEARNING A TRADE. ]
[ LINCOLN DEFENDS FIFTEEN MRS. NATIONS. ]
[ AVOIDED EVEN APPEARANCE OF EVIL ]
[ WAR DIDN’T ADMIT OF HOLIDAYS. ]
[ GRANT HELD ON ALL THE TIME. ]
[ CHEWED THE CUD IN SOLITUDE. ]
[ LINCOLN PAID HOMAGE TO WASHINGTON. ]
[ STIRRED EVEN THE REPORTERS. ]
[ ETERNAL FIDELITY TO THE CAUSE OF LIBERTY. ]
[ WROTE “PIECES” WHEN VERY YOUNG. ]
[ “TRY TO STEER HER THROUGH.” ]
[ GRAND, GLOOMY AND PECULIAR. ]
[ “THE ‘RAIL-SPUTTER’ REPAIRING THE UNION.” ]
[ “FIND OUT FOR YOURSELVES.” ]
[ “GOVERNMENT RESTS IN PUBLIC OPINION.” ]
[ ABOUT TO LAY DOWN THE BURDEN. ]
[ LINCOLN WOULD HAVE PREFERRED DEATH. ]
[ “PUNCH” AND HIS LITTLE PICTURE. ]
[ FASCINATED By THE WONDERFUL ]
[ THE FIVE POINTS SUNDAY SCHOOL. ]
[ WHY LINCOLN GROWED WHISKERS. ]
[ SIMPLY PRACTICAL HUMANITY. ]
[ THOUGHT GOD WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM. ]
[ NAUGHTY BOY HAD TO TAKE HIS MEDICINE. ]
[ “YANKEE” GOODNESS OF HEART. ]
[ THE SONG DID THE BUSINESS. ]
[ LINCOLN’S MEN WERE “HUSTLERS.” ]
[ DODGING “BROWSING PRESIDENTS.” ]
[ SCALPING IN THE BLACK HAWK WAR. ]
[ ONLY LEVEL-HEADED MEN WANTED. ]
[ HOW THE TOWN OF LINCOLN, ILL., WAS NAMED. ]
[ “OLD JEFF’S” BIG NIGHTMARE. ]
[ LINCOLN’S LAST OFFICIAL ACT. ]
[ “MASSA LINKUM LIKE DE LORD!” ]
[ HOW LINCOLN TOOK THE NEWS. ]
[ PROFANITY AS A SAFETY-VALVE. ]
[ PRESIDENT AND CABINET JOINED IN PRAYER. ]
[ BELIEVED HE WAS A CHRISTIAN. ]
[ LINCOLN’S LAST WRITTEN WORDS. ]
[ LINCOLN WISHED TO SEE RICHMOND. ]
[ “LINCOLN GOES IN WHEN THE QUAKERS ARE OUT” ]
[ HAD CONFIDENCE IN HIM—“BUT—.” ]
[ HOW HOMINY WAS ORIGINATED. ]
[ HIS IDEA’S OLD, AFTER ALL. ]
[ “ABE WANTED NO SNEAKIN’ ‘ROUND.” ]
[ “HOW DO YOU GET OUT OF THIS PLACE?” ]
[ “TAD” INTRODUCES “OUR FRIENDS.” ]
[ MIXED UP WORSE THAN BEFORE. ]
[ “LONG ABE’S” FEET “PROTRUDED OVER.” ]
[ COULD LICK ANY MAN IN THE CROWD. ]
[ HIS WAY TO A CHILD’S HEART. ]
[ “LEFT IT THE WOMEN TO HOWL ABOUT ME.” ]
[ HE’D RUIN ALL THE OTHER CONVICTS. ]
[ “DID YE ASK MORRISSEY YET?” ]
[ “FIXED UP” A BIT FOR THE “CITY FOLKS.” ]
[ EVEN REBELS OUGHT TO BE SAVED. ]
[ TRIED TO DO WHAT SEEMED BEST. ]
[ “HOLDING A CANDLE TO THE CZAR.” ]
[ NASHVILLE WAS NOT SURRENDERED. ]
[ HE COULDN’T WAIT FOR THE COLONEL. ]
[ LINCOLN PRONOUNCED THIS STORY FUNNY. ]
[ “I’D A BEEN MISSED BY MYSE’F.” ]
[ IT ALL “DEPENDED” UPON THE EFFECT. ]
[ TOO SWIFT TO STAY IN THE ARMY. ]
[ WISHED THE ARMY CHARGED LIKE THAT. ]
[ “UNCLE ABRAHAM” HAD EVERYTHING READY. ]
[ NOT AS SMOOTH AS HE LOOKED. ]
[ “NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU DON’T WRITE.” ]
[ THE STORY OF LINCOLN’S LIFE ]
[ ASSISTANT PILOT ON A STEAMBOAT. ]
[ “CAPTAIN LINCOLN” PLEASED HIM. ]
[ FAILURE AS A BUSINESS MAN. ]
[ GAINS FAME AS A STORY TELLER. ]
[ SURVEYOR WITH NO STRINGS ON HIM. ]
[ A MEMBER OF THE LEGISLATURE. ]
[ MARRIES A SPRINGFIELD BELLE. ]
[ DEFEATS PETER CARTWRIGHT FOR CONGRESS. ]
[ MAKES SPEECHES FOR “OLD ZACH.” ]
[ TELLING STORIES ON THE CIRCUIT. ]
[ THE LION IS AROUSED TO ACTION. ]
[ SEEKS A SEAT IN THE SENATE. ]
[ HELPS TO ORGANIZE THE REPUBLICAN PARTY. ]
[ THE RAIL-SPLITTER vs. THE LITTLE GIANT. ]
[ WERE LIKE CROWDS AT A CIRCUS. ]
[ FIRST NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT. ]
[ FORMATION OF THE SOUTHERN CONFEDERACY. ]
[ THE “SECRET PASSAGE” TO WASHINGTON. ]
[ HIS ELOQUENT INAUGURAL ADDRESS. ]
[ FOLLOWS PRECEDENT OF WASHINGTON. ]
[ GREATER DIPLOMAT THAN SEWARD. ]
[ ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE IN GRANT. ]
[ REASONS FOB FREEING THE SLAVES. ]
[ A FUN-LOVING AND HUMOR-LOVING MAN. ]
[ WARNINGS OF HIS TRAGIC DEATH. ]
[ LAMON’S REMARKABLE REQUEST. ]
[ BOOTH BRANDISHES HIS DAGGER AND ESCAPES. ]
[ WALT WHITMAN’S DESCRIPTION. ]
[ BOOTH SHOT BY “BOSTON” CORBETT. ]
PREFACE.
Dean Swift said that the man who makes two blades of grass grow where one grew before serves well of his kind. Considering how much grass there is in the world and comparatively how little fun, we think that a still more deserving person is the man who makes many laughs grow where none grew before.
Sometimes it happens that the biggest crop of laugh is produced by a man who ranks among the greatest and wisest. Such a man was Abraham Lincoln whose wholesome fun mixed with true philosophy made thousands laugh and think at the same time. He was a firm believer in the saying, “Laugh and the world laughs with you.”
Whenever Abraham Lincoln wanted to make a strong point he usually began by saying, “Now, that reminds me of a story.” And when he had told a story every one saw the point and was put into a good humor.
The ancients had Aesop and his fables. The moderns had Abraham Lincoln and his stories.
Aesop’s Fables have been printed in book form in almost every language and millions have read them with pleasure and profit. Lincoln’s stories were scattered in the recollections of thousands of people in various parts of the country. The historians who wrote histories of Lincoln’s life remembered only a few of them, but the most of Lincoln’s stories and the best of them remained unwritten. More than five years ago the author of this book conceived the idea of collecting all the yarns and stories, the droll sayings, and witty and humorous anecdotes of Abraham Lincoln into one large book, and this volume is the result of that idea.
Before Lincoln was ever heard of as a lawyer or politician, he was famous as a story teller. As a politician, he always had a story to fit the other side; as a lawyer, he won many cases by telling the jury a story which showed them the justice of his side better than any argument could have done.
While nearly all of Lincoln’s stories have a humorous side, they also contain a moral, which every good story should have.
They contain lessons that could be taught so well in no other way. Every one of them is a sermon. Lincoln, like the Man of Galilee, spoke to the people in parables.
Nothing that can be written about Lincoln can show his character in such a true light as the yarns and stories he was so fond of telling, and at which he would laugh as heartily as anyone.
For a man whose life was so full of great responsibilities, Lincoln had many hours of laughter when the humorous, fun-loving side of his great nature asserted itself.
Every person to keep healthy ought to have one good hearty laugh every day. Lincoln did, and the author hopes that the stories at which he laughed will continue to furnish laughter to all who appreciate good humor, with a moral point and spiced with that true philosophy bred in those who live close to nature and to the people around them.
In producing this new Lincoln book, the publishers have followed an entirely new and novel method of illustrating it. The old shop-worn pictures that are to be seen in every “History of Lincoln,” and in every other book written about him, such as “A Flatboat on the Sangamon River,” “State Capitol at Springfield,” “Old Log Cabin,” etc., have all been left out and in place of them the best special artists that could be employed have supplied original drawings illustrating the “point” of Lincoln’s stories.
These illustrations are not copies of other pictures, but are original drawings made from the author’s original text expressly for this book.
In these high-class outline pictures the artists have caught the true spirit of Lincoln’s humor, and while showing the laughable side of many incidents in his career, they are true to life in the scenes and characters they portray.
In addition to these new and original pictures, the book contains many rare and valuable photograph portraits, together with biographies, of the famous men of Lincoln’s day, whose lives formed a part of his own life history.
No Lincoln book heretofore published has ever been so profusely, so artistically and expensively illustrated.
The parables, yarns, stories, anecdotes and sayings of the “Immortal Abe” deserve a place beside Aesop’s Fables, Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress and all other books that have added to the happiness and wisdom of mankind.
Lincoln’s stories are like Lincoln himself. The more we know of them the better we like them.
BY COLONEL ALEXANDER K. McCLURE.
While Lincoln would have been great among the greatest of the land as a statesman and politician if like Washington, Jefferson and Jackson, he had never told a humorous story, his sense of humor was the most fascinating feature of his personal qualities.
He was the most exquisite humorist I have ever known in my life. His humor was always spontaneous, and that gave it a zest and elegance that the professional humorist never attains.
As a rule, the men who have become conspicuous in the country as humorists have excelled in nothing else. S. S. Cox, Proctor Knott, John P. Hale and others were humorists in Congress. When they arose to speak if they failed to be humorous they utterly failed, and they rarely strove to be anything but humorous. Such men often fail, for the professional humorist, however gifted, cannot always be at his best, and when not at his best he is grievously disappointing.
I remember Corwin, of Ohio, who was a great statesman as well as a great humorist, but whose humor predominated in his public speeches in Senate and House, warning a number of the younger Senators and Representatives on a social occasion when he had returned to Congress in his old age, against seeking to acquire the reputation of humorists. He said it was the mistake of his life. He loved it as did his hearers, but the temptation to be humorous was always uppermost, and while his speech on the Mexican War was the greatest ever delivered in the Senate, excepting Webster’s reply to Hayne, he regretted that he was more known as a humorist than as a statesman.
His first great achievement in the House was delivered in 1840 in reply to General Crary, of Michigan, who had attacked General Harrison’s military career. Corwin’s reply in defense of Harrison is universally accepted as the most brilliant combination of humor and invective ever delivered in that body. The venerable John Quincy Adams a day or two after Corwin’s speech, referred to Crary as “the late General Crary,” and the justice of the remark from the “Old Man Eloquent” was accepted by all. Mr. Lincoln differed from the celebrated humorists of the country in the important fact that his humor was unstudied. He was not in any sense a professional humorist, but I have never in all my intercourse with public men, known one who was so apt in humorous illustration us Mr. Lincoln, and I have known him many times to silence controversy by a humorous story with pointed application to the issue.
His face was the saddest in repose that I have ever seen among accomplished and intellectual men, and his sympathies for the people, for the untold thousands who were suffering bereavement from the war, often made him speak with his heart upon his sleeve, about the sorrows which shadowed the homes of the land and for which his heart was freely bleeding.
I have many times seen him discussing in the most serious and heartfelt manner the sorrows and bereavements of the country, and when it would seem as though the tension was so strained that the brittle cord of life must break, his face would suddenly brighten like the sun escaping from behind the cloud to throw its effulgence upon the earth, and he would tell an appropriate story, and much as his stories were enjoyed by his hearers none enjoyed them more than Mr. Lincoln himself.
I have often known him within the space of a few minutes to be transformed from the saddest face I have ever looked upon to one of the brightest and most mirthful. It was well known that he had his great fountain of humor as a safety valve; as an escape and entire relief from the fearful exactions his endless duties put upon him. In the gravest consultations of the cabinet where he was usually a listener rather than a speaker, he would often end dispute by telling a story and none misunderstood it; and often when he was pressed to give expression on particular subjects, and his always abundant caution was baffled, he many times ended the interview by a story that needed no elaboration.
I recall an interview with Mr. Lincoln at the White House in the spring of 1865, just before Lee retreated from Petersburg. It was well understood that the military power of the Confederacy was broken, and that the question of reconstruction would soon be upon us.
Colonel Forney and I had called upon the President simply to pay our respects, and while pleasantly chatting with him General Benjamin F. Butler entered. Forney was a great enthusiast, and had intense hatred of the Southern leaders who had hindered his advancement when Buchanan was elected President, and he was bubbling over with resentment against them. He introduced the subject to the President of the treatment to be awarded to the leaders of the rebellion when its powers should be confessedly broken, and he was earnest in demanding that Davis and other conspicuous leaders of the Confederacy should be tried, condemned and executed as traitors.
General Butler joined Colonel Forney in demanding that treason must be made odious by the execution of those who had wantonly plunged the country into civil war. Lincoln heard them patiently, as he usually heard all, and none could tell, however carefully they scanned his countenance what impression the appeal made upon him.
I said to General Butler that, as a lawyer pre-eminent in his profession, he must know that the leaders of a government that had beleaguered our capital for four years, and was openly recognized as a belligerent power not only by our government but by all the leading governments of the world, could not be held to answer to the law for the crime of treason.
Butler was vehement in declaring that the rebellious leaders must be tried and executed. Lincoln listened to the discussion for half an hour or more and finally ended it by telling the story of a common drunkard out in Illinois who had been induced by his friends time and again to join the temperance society, but had always broken away. He was finally gathered up again and given notice that if he violated his pledge once more they would abandon him as an utterly hopeless vagrant. He made an earnest struggle to maintain his promise, and finally he called for lemonade and said to the man who was preparing it: “Couldn’t you put just a drop of the cratur in unbeknownst to me?”
After telling the story Lincoln simply added: “If these men could get away from the country unbeknownst to us, it might save a world of trouble.” All understood precisely what Lincoln meant, although he had given expression in the most cautious manner possible and the controversy was ended.
Lincoln differed from professional humorists in the fact that he never knew when he was going to be humorous. It bubbled up on the most unexpected occasions, and often unsettled the most carefully studied arguments. I have many times been with him when he gave no sign of humor, and those who saw him under such conditions would naturally suppose that he was incapable of a humorous expression. At other times he would effervesce with humor and always of the most exquisite and impressive nature. His humor was never strained; his stories never stale, and even if old, the application he made of them gave them the freshness of originality.
I recall sitting beside him in the White House one day when a message was brought to him telling of the capture of several brigadier-generals and a number of horses somewhere out in Virginia. He read the dispatch and then in an apparently soliloquizing mood, said: “Sorry for the horses; I can make brigadier-generals.”
There are many who believe that Mr. Lincoln loved to tell obscene or profane stories, but they do great injustice to one of the purest and best men I have ever known. His humor must be judged by the environment that aided in its creation.
As a prominent lawyer who traveled the circuit in Illinois, he was much in the company of his fellow lawyers, who spent their evenings in the rude taverns of what was then almost frontier life. The Western people thus thrown together with but limited sources of culture and enjoyment, logically cultivated the story teller, and Lincoln proved to be the most accomplished in that line of all the members of the Illinois bar. They had no private rooms for study, and the evenings were always spent in the common barroom of the tavern, where Western wit, often vulgar or profane, was freely indulged in, and the best of them at times told stories which were somewhat “broad;” but even while thus indulging in humor that would grate harshly upon severely refined hearers, they despised the vulgarian; none despised vulgarity more than Lincoln.
I have heard him tell at one time or another almost or quite all of the stories he told during his Presidential term, and there were very few of them which might not have been repeated in a parlor and none descended to obscene, vulgar or profane expressions. I have never known a man of purer instincts than Abraham Lincoln, and his appreciation of all that was beautiful and good was of the highest order.
It was fortunate for Mr. Lincoln that he frequently sought relief from the fearfully oppressive duties which bore so heavily upon him. He had immediately about him a circle of men with whom he could be “at home” in the White House any evening as he was with his old time friends on the Illinois circuit.
David Davis was one upon whom he most relied as an adviser, and Leonard Swett was probably one of his closest friends, while Ward Lamon, whom he made Marshal of the District of Columbia to have him by his side, was one with whom he felt entirely “at home.” Davis was of a more sober order but loved Lincoln’s humor, although utterly incapable of a humorous expression himself. Swett was ready with Lincoln to give and take in storyland, as was Lamon, and either of them, and sometimes all of them, often dropped in upon Lincoln and gave him an hour’s diversion from his exacting cares. They knew that he needed it and they sought him for the purpose of diverting him from what they feared was an excessive strain.
His devotion to Lamon was beautiful. I well remember at Harrisburg on the night of February 22, 1861, when at a dinner given by Governor Curtin to Mr. Lincoln, then on his way to Washington, we decided, against the protest of Lincoln, that he must change his route to Washington and make the memorable midnight journey to the capital. It was thought to be best that but one man should accompany him, and he was asked to choose. There were present of his suite Colonel Sumner, afterwards one of the heroic generals of the war, Norman B. Judd, who was chairman of the Republican State Committee of Illinois, Colonel Lamon and others, and he promptly chose Colonel Lamon, who alone accompanied him on his journey from Harrisburg to Philadelphia and thence to Washington.
Before leaving the room Governor Curtin asked Colonel Lamon whether he was armed, and he answered by exhibiting a brace of fine pistols, a huge bowie knife, a black jack, and a pair of brass knuckles. Curtin answered: “You’ll do,” and they were started on their journey after all the telegraph wires had been cut. We awaited through what seemed almost an endless night, until the east was purpled with the coming of another day, when Colonel Scott, who had managed the whole scheme, reunited the wires and soon received from Colonel Lamon this dispatch: “Plums delivered nuts safely,” which gave us the intensely gratifying information that Lincoln had arrived in Washington.
Of all the Presidents of the United States, and indeed of all the great statesmen who have made their indelible impress upon the policy of the Republic, Abraham Lincoln stands out single and alone in his individual qualities. He had little experience in statesmanship when he was called to the Presidency. He had only a few years of service in the State Legislature of Illinois, and a single term in Congress ending twelve years before he became President, but he had to grapple with the gravest problems ever presented to the statesmanship of the nation for solution, and he met each and all of them in turn with the most consistent mastery, and settled them so successfully that all have stood unquestioned until the present time, and are certain to endure while the Republic lives.
In this he surprised not only his own cabinet and the leaders of his party who had little confidence in him when he first became President, but equally surprised the country and the world.
He was patient, tireless and usually silent when great conflicts raged about him to solve the appalling problems which were presented at various stages of the war for determination, and when he reached his conclusion he was inexorable. The wrangles of faction and the jostling of ambition were compelled to bow when Lincoln had determined upon his line of duty.
He was much more than a statesman; he was one of the most sagacious politicians I have ever known, although he was entirely unschooled in the machinery by which political results are achieved. His judgment of men was next to unerring, and when results were to be attained he knew the men who should be assigned to the task, and he rarely made a mistake.
I remember one occasion when he summoned Colonel Forney and myself to confer on some political problem, he opened the conversation by saying: “You know that I never was much of a conniver; I don’t know the methods of political management, and I can only trust to the wisdom of leaders to accomplish what is needed.”
Lincoln’s public acts are familiar to every schoolboy of the nation, but his personal attributes, which are so strangely distinguished from the attributes of other great men, are now the most interesting study of young and old throughout our land, and I can conceive of no more acceptable presentation to the public than a compilation of anecdotes and incidents pertaining to the life of the greatest of all our Presidents.
A.K. McClure
LINCOLN’S NAME AROUSES AN AUDIENCE, BY DR. NEWMAN HALL, of London.
When I have had to address a fagged and listless audience, I have found that nothing was so certain to arouse them as to introduce the name of Abraham Lincoln.
REVERE WASHINGTON AND LOVE LINCOLN, REV. DR. THEODORE L. CUYLER.
No other name has such electric power on every true heart, from Maine to Mexico, as the name of Lincoln. If Washington is the most revered, Lincoln is the best loved man that ever trod this continent.
GREATEST CHARACTER SINCE CHRIST BY JOHN HAY, Former Private Secretary to President Lincoln, and Later Secretary of State in President McKinley’s Cabinet.
As, in spite of some rudeness, republicanism is the sole hope of a sick world, so Lincoln, with all his foibles, is the greatest character since Christ.
STORIES INFORM THE COMMON PEOPLE, BY CHAUNCEY M. DEPEW, United States Senator from New York.
Mr. Lincoln said to me once: “They say I tell a great many stories; I reckon I do, but I have found in the course of a long experience that common people, take them as they run, are more easily informed through the medium of a broad illustration than in any other way, and as to what the hypercritical few may think, I don’t care.”
HUMOR A PASSPORT TO THE HEART BY GEO. S. BOUTWELL, Former Secretary of the United States Treasury.
Mr. Lincoln’s wit and mirth will give him a passport to the thoughts and hearts of millions who would take no interest in the sterner and more practical parts of his character.
DROLL, ORIGINAL AND APPROPRIATE. BY ELIHU B. WASHBURNE, Former United States Minister to France.
Mr. Lincoln’s anecdotes were all so droll, so original, so appropriate and so illustrative of passing incidents, that one never wearied.
LINCOLN’S HUMOR A SPARKLING SPRING, BY DAVID R. LOCKE (PETROLEUM V. NASBY), Lincoln’s Favorite Humorist.
Mr. Lincoln’s flow of humor was a sparkling spring, gushing out of a rock—the flashing water had a somber background which made it all the brighter.
LIKE AESOP’S FABLES, BY HUGH McCULLOCH, Former Secretary of the United States Treasury.
Many of Mr. Lincoln’s stories were as apt and instructive as the best of Aesop’s Fables.
FULL OF FUN, BY GENERAL JAMES B. FRY, Former Adjutant-General United States Army.
Mr. Lincoln was a humorist so full of fun that he could not keep it all in.
INEXHAUSTIBLE FUND OF STORIES, BY LAWRENCE WELDON, Judge United States Court of Claims.
Mr. Lincoln’s resources as a story-teller were inexhaustible, and no condition could arise in a case beyond his capacity to furnish an illustration with an appropriate anecdote.
CHAMPION STORY-TELLER, BY BEN. PERLEY POORE, Former Editor of The Congressional Record.
Mr. Lincoln was recognized as the champion story-teller of the Capitol.
LINCOLN CHRONOLOGY.
1806—Marriage of Thomas Lincoln and Nancy Hanks, June 12th,
Washington County, Kentucky.
1809—Born February 12th, Hardin (now La Rue County), Kentucky.
1816—Family Removed to Perry County, Indiana.
1818—Death of Abraham’s Mother, Nancy Hanks Lincoln.
1819—Second Marriage Thomas Lincoln; Married Sally Bush
Johnston, December 2nd, at Elizabethtown, Kentucky.
1830—Lincoln Family Removed to Illinois, Locating in Macon County.
1831—Abraham Located at New Salem.
1832—Abraham a Captain in the Black Hawk War.
1833—Appointed Postmaster at New Salem.
1834—Abraham as a Surveyor. First Election to the Legislature.
1835—Love Romance with Anne Rutledge.
1836—Second Election to the Legislature.
1837—Licensed to Practice Law.
1838—Third Election to the Legislature.
1840—Presidential Elector on Harrison Ticket.
Fourth Election to the Legislature.
1842—Married November 4th, to Mary Todd. “Duel” with General Shields.
1843—Birth of Robert Todd Lincoln, August 1st.
1846—Elected to Congress. Birth of Edward Baker Lincoln, March 10th.
1848—Delegate to the Philadelphia National Convention.
1850—Birth of William Wallace Lincoln, December 2nd.
1853—Birth of Thomas Lincoln, April 4th.
1856—Assists in Formation Republican Party.
1858—Joint Debater with Stephen A. Douglas. Defeated for the
United States Senate.
1860—Nominated and Elected to the Presidency.
1861—Inaugurated as President, March 4th. 1863-Issued
Emancipation Proclamation. 1864-Re-elected to the Presidency.
1865—Assassinated by J. Wilkes Booth, April 14th. Died April
15th. Remains Interred at Springfield, Illinois, May 4th.
LINCOLN AND McCLURE.
(From Harper’s Weekly, April 13, 1901.)
Colonel Alexander K. McClure, the editorial director of the Philadelphia Times, which he founded in 1875, began his forceful career as a tanner’s apprentice in the mountains of Pennsylvania threescore years ago. He tanned hides all day, and read exchanges nights in the neighboring weekly newspaper office. The learned tanner’s boy also became the aptest Inner in the county, and the editor testified his admiration for young McClure’s attainments by sending him to edit a new weekly paper which the exigencies of politics called into being in an adjoining county.
The lad was over six feet high, had the thews of Ajax and the voice of Boanerges, and knew enough about shoe-leather not to be afraid of any man that stood in it. He made his paper a success, went into politics, and made that a success, studied law with William McLellan, and made that a success, and actually went into the army—and made that a success, by an interesting accident which brought him into close personal relations with Abraham Lincoln, whom he had helped to nominate, serving as chairman of the Republican State Committee of Pennsylvania through the campaign.
In 1862 the government needed troops badly, and in each Pennsylvania county Republicans and Democrats were appointed to assist in the enrollment, under the State laws. McClure, working day and night at Harrisburg, saw conscripts coming in at the rate of a thousand a day, only to fret in idleness against the army red-tape which held them there instead of sending a regiment a day to the front, as McClure demanded should be done. The military officer continued to dispatch two companies a day—leaving the mass of the conscripts to be fed by the contractors.
McClure went to Washington and said to the President, “You must send a mustering officer to Harrisburg who will do as I say; I can’t stay there any longer under existing conditions.”
Lincoln sent into another room for Adjutant-General Thomas. “General,” said he, “what is the highest rank of military officer at Harrisburg?” “Captain, sir,” said Thomas. “Bring me a commission for an Assistant Adjutant-General of the United States Army,” said Lincoln.
So Adjutant-General McClure was mustered in, and after that a regiment a day of boys in blue left Harrisburg for the front. Colonel McClure is one of the group of great Celt-American editors, which included Medill, McCullagh and McLean.
“ABE” LINCOLN’S YARNS AND STORIES.
LINCOLN ASKED TO BE SHOT.
Lincoln was, naturally enough, much surprised one day, when a man of rather forbidding countenance drew a revolver and thrust the weapon almost into his face. In such circumstances “Abe” at once concluded that any attempt at debate or argument was a waste of time and words.
“What seems to be the matter?” inquired Lincoln with all the calmness and self-possession he could muster.
“Well,” replied the stranger, who did not appear at all excited, “some years ago I swore an oath that if I ever came across an uglier man than myself I’d shoot him on the spot.”
A feeling of relief evidently took possession of Lincoln at this rejoinder, as the expression upon his countenance lost all suggestion of anxiety.
“Shoot me,” he said to the stranger; “for if I am an uglier man than you I don’t want to live.”
TIME LOST DIDN’T COUNT.
Thurlow Weed, the veteran journalist and politician, once related how, when he was opposing the claims of Montgomery Blair, who aspired to a Cabinet appointment, that Mr. Lincoln inquired of Mr. Weed whom he would recommend, “Henry Winter Davis,” was the response.
“David Davis, I see, has been posting you up on this question,” retorted Lincoln. “He has Davis on the brain. I think Maryland must be a good State to move from.”
The President then told a story of a witness in court in a neighboring county, who, on being asked his age, replied, “Sixty.” Being satisfied he was much older the question was repeated, and on receiving the same answer the court admonished the witness, saying, “The court knows you to be much older than sixty.”
“Oh, I understand now,” was the rejoinder, “you’re thinking of those ten years I spent on the eastern share of Maryland; that was so much time lost, and didn’t count.”
Blair was made Postmaster-General.
NO VICES, NO VIRTUES.
Lincoln always took great pleasure in relating this yarn:
Riding at one time in a stage with an old Kentuckian who was returning from Missouri, Lincoln excited the old gentleman’s surprise by refusing to accept either of tobacco or French brandy.
When they separated that afternoon—the Kentuckian to take another stage bound for Louisville—he shook hands warmly with Lincoln, and said, good-humoredly:
“See here, stranger, you’re a clever but strange companion. I may never see you again, and I don’t want to offend you, but I want to say this: My experience has taught me that a man who has no vices has d——d few virtues. Good-day.”
LINCOLN’S DUES.
Miss Todd (afterwards Mrs. Lincoln) had a keen sense of the ridiculous, and wrote several articles in the Springfield (Ill.) “Journal” reflecting severely upon General James Shields (who won fame in the Mexican and Civil Wars, and was United States Senator from three states), then Auditor of State.
Lincoln assumed the authorship, and was challenged by Shields to meet him on the “field of honor.” Meanwhile Miss Todd increased Shields’ ire by writing another letter to the paper, in which she said: “I hear the way of these fire-eaters is to give the challenged party the choice of weapons, which being the case, I’ll tell you in confidence that I never fight with anything but broom-sticks, or hot water, or a shovelful of coals, the former of which, being somewhat like a shillalah, may not be objectionable to him.”
Lincoln accepted the challenge, and selected broadswords as the weapons. Judge Herndon (Lincoln’s law partner) gives the closing of this affair as follows:
“The laws of Illinois prohibited dueling, and Lincoln demanded that the meeting should be outside the state. Shields undoubtedly knew that Lincoln was opposed to fighting a duel—that his moral sense would revolt at the thought, and that he would not be likely to break the law by fighting in the state. Possibly he thought Lincoln would make a humble apology. Shields was brave, but foolish, and would not listen to overtures for explanation. It was arranged that the meeting should be in Missouri, opposite Alton. They proceeded to the place selected, but friends interfered, and there was no duel. There is little doubt that the man who had swung a beetle and driven iron wedges into gnarled hickory logs could have cleft the skull of his antagonist, but he had no such intention. He repeatedly said to the friends of Shields that in writing the first article he had no thought of anything personal. The Auditor’s vanity had been sorely wounded by the second letter, in regard to which Lincoln could not make any explanation except that he had had no hand in writing it. The affair set all Springfield to laughing at Shields.”
“DONE WITH THE BIBLE.”
Lincoln never told a better story than this:
A country meeting-house, that was used once a month, was quite a distance from any other house.
The preacher, an old-line Baptist, was dressed in coarse linen pantaloons, and shirt of the same material. The pants, manufactured after the old fashion, with baggy legs, and a flap in the front, were made to attach to his frame without the aid of suspenders.
A single button held his shirt in position, and that was at the collar. He rose up in the pulpit, and with a loud voice announced his text thus: “I am the Christ whom I shall represent to-day.”
About this time a little blue lizard ran up his roomy pantaloons. The old preacher, not wishing to interrupt the steady flow of his sermon, slapped away on his leg, expecting to arrest the intruder, but his efforts were unavailing, and the little fellow kept on ascending higher and higher.
Continuing the sermon, the preacher loosened the central button which graced the waistband of his pantaloons, and with a kick off came that easy-fitting garment.
But, meanwhile, Mr. Lizard had passed the equatorial line of the waistband, and was calmly exploring that part of the preacher’s anatomy which lay underneath the back of his shirt.
Things were now growing interesting, but the sermon was still grinding on. The next movement on the preacher’s part was for the collar button, and with one sweep of his arm off came the tow linen shirt.
The congregation sat for an instant as if dazed; at length one old lady in the rear part of the room rose up, and, glancing at the excited object in the pulpit, shouted at the top of her voice: “If you represent Christ, then I’m done with the Bible.”
HIS KNOWLEDGE OF HUMAN NATURE.
Once, when Lincoln was pleading a case, the opposing lawyer had all the advantage of the law; the weather was warm, and his opponent, as was admissible in frontier courts, pulled off his coat and vest as he grew warm in the argument.
At that time, shirts with buttons behind were unusual. Lincoln took in the situation at once. Knowing the prejudices of the primitive people against pretension of all sorts, or any affectation of superior social rank, arising, he said: “Gentlemen of the jury, having justice on my side, I don’t think you will be at all influenced by the gentleman’s pretended knowledge of the law, when you see he does not even know which side of his shirt should be in front.” There was a general laugh, and Lincoln’s case was won.
A MISCHIEVOUS OX.
President Lincoln once told the following story of Colonel W., who had been elected to the Legislature, and had also been judge of the County Court. His elevation, however, had made him somewhat pompous, and he became very fond of using big words. On his farm he had a very large and mischievous ox, called “Big Brindle,” which very frequently broke down his neighbors’ fences, and committed other depredations, much to the Colonel’s annoyance.
One morning after breakfast, in the presence of Lincoln, who had stayed with him over night, and who was on his way to town, he called his overseer and said to him:
“Mr. Allen, I desire you to impound ‘Big Brindle,’ in order that I may hear no animadversions on his eternal depredations.”
Allen bowed and walked off, sorely puzzled to know what the Colonel wanted him to do. After Colonel W. left for town, he went to his wife and asked her what the Colonel meant by telling him to impound the ox.
“Why, he meant to tell you to put him in a pen,” said she.
Allen left to perform the feat, for it was no inconsiderable one, as the animal was wild and vicious, but, after a great deal of trouble and vexation, succeeded.
“Well,” said he, wiping the perspiration from his brow and soliloquizing, “this is impounding, is it? Now, I am dead sure that the Colonel will ask me if I impounded ‘Big Brindle,’ and I’ll bet I puzzle him as he did me.”
The next day the Colonel gave a dinner party, and as he was not aristocratic, Allen, the overseer, sat down with the company. After the second or third glass was discussed, the Colonel turned to the overseer and said:
“Eh, Mr. Allen, did you impound ‘Big Brindle,’ sir?”
Allen straightened himself, and looking around at the company, replied:
“Yes, I did, sir; but ‘Old Brindle’ transcended the impanel of the impound, and scatterlophisticated all over the equanimity of the forest.”
The company burst into an immoderate fit of laughter, while the Colonel’s face reddened with discomfiture.
“What do you mean by that, sir?” demanded the Colonel.
“Why, I mean, Colonel,” replied Allen, “that ‘Old Brindle,’ being prognosticated with an idea of the cholera, ripped and teared, snorted and pawed dirt, jumped the fence, tuck to the woods, and would not be impounded nohow.”
This was too much; the company roared again, the Colonel being forced to join in the laughter, and in the midst of the jollity Allen left the table, saying to himself as he went, “I reckon the Colonel won’t ask me to impound any more oxen.”
THE PRESIDENTIAL “CHIN-FLY.”
Some of Mr. Lincoln’s intimate friends once called his attention to a certain member of his Cabinet who was quietly working to secure a nomination for the Presidency, although knowing that Mr. Lincoln was to be a candidate for re-election. His friends insisted that the Cabinet officer ought to be made to give up his Presidential aspirations or be removed from office. The situation reminded Mr. Lincoln of a story:
“My brother and I,” he said, “were once plowing corn, I driving the horse and he holding the plow. The horse was lazy, but on one occasion he rushed across the field so that I, with my long legs, could scarcely keep pace with him. On reaching the end of the furrow, I found an enormous chin-fly fastened upon him, and knocked him off. My brother asked me what I did that for. I told him I didn’t want the old horse bitten in that way. ‘Why,’ said my brother, ‘that’s all that made him go.’ Now,” said Mr. Lincoln, “if Mr.—— has a Presidential chin-fly biting him, I’m not going to knock him off, if it will only make his department go.”
‘SQUIRE BAGLY’S PRECEDENT.
Mr. T. W. S. Kidd, of Springfield, says that he once heard a lawyer opposed to Lincoln trying to convince a jury that precedent was superior to law, and that custom made things legal in all cases. When Lincoln arose to answer him he told the jury he would argue his case in the same way.
“Old ‘Squire Bagly, from Menard, came into my office and said, ‘Lincoln, I want your advice as a lawyer. Has a man what’s been elected justice of the peace a right to issue a marriage license?’ I told him he had not; when the old ‘squire threw himself back in his chair very indignantly, and said, ‘Lincoln, I thought you was a lawyer. Now Bob Thomas and me had a bet on this thing, and we agreed to let you decide; but if this is your opinion I don’t want it, for I know a thunderin’ sight better, for I have been ‘squire now for eight years and have done it all the time.’”
HE’D NEED HIS GUN.
When the President, early in the War, was anxious about the defenses of Washington, he told a story illustrating his feelings in the case. General Scott, then Commander-in-Chief of the United States Army, had but 1,500 men, two guns and an old sloop of war, the latter anchored in the Potomac, with which to protect the National Capital, and the President was uneasy.
To one of his queries as to the safety of Washington, General Scott had replied, “It has been ordained, Mr. President, that the city shall not be captured by the Confederates.”
“But we ought to have more men and guns here,” was the Chief Executive’s answer. “The Confederates are not such fools as to let a good chance to capture Washington go by, and even if it has been ordained that the city is safe, I’d feel easier if it were better protected. All this reminds me of the old trapper out in the West who had been assured by some ‘city folks’ who had hired him as a guide that all matters regarding life and death were prearranged.
“‘It is ordained,’ said one of the party to the old trapper, ‘that you are to die at a certain time, and no one can kill you before that time. If you met a thousand Indians, and your death had not been ordained for that day, you would certainly escape.’
“‘I don’t exactly understand this “ordained” business,’ was the trapper’s reply. ‘I don’t care to run no risks. I always have my gun with me, so that if I come across some reds I can feel sure that I won’t cross the Jordan ‘thout taking some of ‘em with me. Now, for instance, if I met an Indian in the woods; he drew a bead on me—sayin’, too, that he wasn’t more’n ten feet away—an’ I didn’t have nothing to protect myself; say it was as bad as that, the redskin bein’ dead ready to kill me; now, even if it had been ordained that the Indian (sayin’ he was a good shot), was to die that very minute, an’ I wasn’t, what would I do ‘thout my gun?’
“There you are,” the President remarked; “even if it has been ordained that the city of Washington will never be taken by the Southerners, what would we do in case they made an attack upon the place, without men and heavy guns?”
KEPT UP THE ARGUMENT.
Judge T. Lyle Dickey of Illinois related that when the excitement over the Kansas Nebraska bill first broke out, he was with Lincoln and several friends attending court. One evening several persons, including himself and Lincoln, were discussing the slavery question. Judge Dickey contended that slavery was an institution which the Constitution recognized, and which could not be disturbed. Lincoln argued that ultimately slavery must become extinct. “After awhile,” said Judge Dickey, “we went upstairs to bed. There were two beds in our room, and I remember that Lincoln sat up in his night shirt on the edge of the bed arguing the point with me. At last we went to sleep. Early in the morning I woke up and there was Lincoln half sitting up in bed. ‘Dickey,’ said he, ‘I tell you this nation cannot exist half slave and half free.’ ‘Oh, Lincoln,’ said I, ‘go to sleep.”’
EQUINE INGRATITUDE.
President Lincoln, while eager that the United States troops should be supplied with the most modern and serviceable weapons, often took occasion to put his foot down upon the mania for experimenting with which some of his generals were afflicted. While engaged in these experiments much valuable time was wasted, the enemy was left to do as he thought best, no battles were fought, and opportunities for winning victories allowed to pass.
The President was an exceedingly practical man, and when an invention, idea or discovery was submitted to him, his first step was to ascertain how any or all of them could be applied in a way to be of benefit to the army. As to experimenting with “contrivances” which, to his mind, could never be put to practical use, he had little patience.
“Some of these generals,” said he, “experiment so long and so much with newfangled, fancy notions that when they are finally brought to a head they are useless. Either the time to use them has gone by, or the machine, when put in operation, kills more than it cures.
“One of these generals, who has a scheme for ‘condensing’ rations, is willing to swear his life away that his idea, when carried to perfection, will reduce the cost of feeding the Union troops to almost nothing, while the soldiers themselves will get so fat that they’ll ‘bust out’ of their uniforms. Of course, uniforms cost nothing, and real fat men are more active and vigorous than lean, skinny ones, but that is getting away from my story.
“There was once an Irishman—a cabman—who had a notion that he could induce his horse to live entirely on shavings. The latter he could get for nothing, while corn and oats were pretty high-priced. So he daily lessened the amount of food to the horse, substituting shavings for the corn and oats abstracted, so that the horse wouldn’t know his rations were being cut down.
“However, just as he had achieved success in his experiment, and the horse had been taught to live without other food than shavings, the ungrateful animal ‘up and died,’ and he had to buy another.
“So far as this general referred to is concerned, I’m afraid the soldiers will all be dead at the time when his experiment is demonstrated as thoroughly successful.”
‘TWAS “MOVING DAY.”
Speed, who was a prosperous young merchant of Springfield, reports that Lincoln’s personal effects consisted of a pair of saddle-bags, containing two or three lawbooks, and a few pieces of clothing. Riding on a borrowed horse, he thus made his appearance in Springfield. When he discovered that a single bedstead would cost seventeen dollars he said, “It is probably cheap enough, but I have not enough money to pay for it.” When Speed offered to trust him, he said: “If I fail here as a lawyer, I will probably never pay you at all.” Then Speed offered to share large double bed with him.
“Where is your room?” Lincoln asked.
“Upstairs,” said Speed, pointing from the store leading to his room.
Without saying a word, he took his saddle-bags on his arm, went upstairs, set them down on the floor, came down again, and with a face beaming with pleasure and smiles, exclaimed: “Well, Speed, I’m moved.”
“ABE’S” HAIR NEEDED COMBING.
“By the way,” remarked President Lincoln one day to Colonel Cannon, a close personal friend, “I can tell you a good story about my hair. When I was nominated at Chicago, an enterprising fellow thought that a great many people would like to see how ‘Abe’ Lincoln looked, and, as I had not long before sat for a photograph, the fellow, having seen it, rushed over and bought the negative.
“He at once got no end of wood-cuts, and so active was their circulation they were soon selling in all parts of the country.
“Soon after they reached Springfield, I heard a boy crying them for sale on the streets. ‘Here’s your likeness of “Abe” Lincoln!’ he shouted. ‘Buy one; price only two shillings! Will look a great deal better when he gets his hair combed!”’
WOULD “TAKE TO THE WOODS.”
Secretary of State Seward was bothered considerably regarding the complication into which Spain had involved the United States government in connection with San Domingo, and related his troubles to the President. Negotiations were not proceeding satisfactorily, and things were mixed generally. We wished to conciliate Spain, while the negroes had appealed against Spanish oppression.
The President did not, to all appearances, look at the matter seriously, but, instead of treating the situation as a grave one, remarked that Seward’s dilemma reminded him of an interview between two negroes in Tennessee.
One was a preacher, who, with the crude and strange notions of his ignorant race, was endeavoring to admonish and enlighten his brother African of the importance of religion and the danger of the future.
“Dar are,” said Josh, the preacher, “two roads befo’ you, Joe; be ca’ful which ob dese you take. Narrow am de way dat leads straight to destruction; but broad am de way dat leads right to damnation.”
Joe opened his eyes with affright, and under the spell of the awful danger before him, exclaimed, “Josh, take which road you please; I shall go troo de woods.”
“I am not willing,” concluded the President, “to assume any new troubles or responsibilities at this time, and shall therefore avoid going to the one place with Spain, or with the negro to the other, but shall ‘take to the woods.’ We will maintain an honest and strict neutrality.”
LINCOLN CARRIED HER TRUNK.
“My first strong impression of Mr. Lincoln,” says a lady of Springfield, “was made by one of his kind deeds. I was going with a little friend for my first trip alone on the railroad cars. It was an epoch of my life. I had planned for it and dreamed of it for weeks. The day I was to go came, but as the hour of the train approached, the hackman, through some neglect, failed to call for my trunk. As the minutes went on, I realized, in a panic of grief, that I should miss the train. I was standing by the gate, my hat and gloves on, sobbing as if my heart would break, when Mr. Lincoln came by.
“‘Why, what’s the matter?’ he asked, and I poured out all my story.
“‘How big’s the trunk? There’s still time, if it isn’t too big.’ And he pushed through the gate and up to the door. My mother and I took him up to my room, where my little old-fashioned trunk stood, locked and tied. ‘Oh, ho,’ he cried, ‘wipe your eyes and come on quick.’ And before I knew what he was going to do, he had shouldered the trunk, was down stairs, and striding out of the yard. Down the street he went fast as his long legs could carry him, I trotting behind, drying my tears as I went. We reached the station in time. Mr. Lincoln put me on the train, kissed me good-bye, and told me to have a good time. It was just like him.”
BOAT HAD TO STOP.
Lincoln never failed to take part in all political campaigns in Illinois, as his reputation as a speaker caused his services to be in great demand. As was natural, he was often the target at which many of the “Smart Alecks” of that period shot their feeble bolts, but Lincoln was so ready with his answers that few of them cared to engage him a second time.
In one campaign Lincoln was frequently annoyed by a young man who entertained the idea that he was a born orator. He had a loud voice, was full of language, and so conceited that he could not understand why the people did not recognize and appreciate his abilities.
This callow politician delighted in interrupting public speakers, and at last Lincoln determined to squelch him. One night while addressing a large meeting at Springfield, the fellow became so offensive that “Abe” dropped the threads of his speech and turned his attention to the tormentor.
“I don’t object,” said Lincoln, “to being interrupted with sensible questions, but I must say that my boisterous friend does not always make inquiries which properly come under that head. He says he is afflicted with headaches, at which I don’t wonder, as it is a well-known fact that nature abhors a vacuum, and takes her own way of demonstrating it.
“This noisy friend reminds me of a certain steamboat that used to run on the Illinois river. It was an energetic boat, was always busy. When they built it, however, they made one serious mistake, this error being in the relative sizes of the boiler and the whistle. The latter was usually busy, too, and people were aware that it was in existence.
“This particular boiler to which I have reference was a six-foot one, and did all that was required of it in the way of pushing the boat along; but as the builders of the vessel had made the whistle a six-foot one, the consequence was that every time the whistle blew the boat had to stop.”
MCCLELLAN’S “SPECIAL TALENT.”
President Lincoln one day remarked to a number of personal friends who had called upon him at the White House:
“General McClellan’s tardiness and unwillingness to fight the enemy or follow up advantages gained, reminds me of a man back in Illinois who knew a few law phrases but whose lawyer lacked aggressiveness. The man finally lost all patience and springing to his feet vociferated, ‘Why don’t you go at him with a fi. fa., a demurrer, a capias, a surrebutter, or a ne exeat, or something; or a nundam pactum or a non est?’
“I wish McClellan would go at the enemy with something—I don’t care what. General McClellan is a pleasant and scholarly gentleman. He is an admirable engineer, but he seems to have a special talent for a stationary engine.”
HOW “JAKE” GOT AWAY.
One of the last, if not the very last story told by President Lincoln, was to one of his Cabinet who came to see him, to ask if it would be proper to permit “Jake” Thompson to slip through Maine in disguise and embark for Portland.
The President, as usual, was disposed to be merciful, and to permit the arch-rebel to pass unmolested, but Secretary Stanton urged that he should be arrested as a traitor.
“By permitting him to escape the penalties of treason,” persisted the War Secretary, “you sanction it.”
“Well,” replied Mr. Lincoln, “let me tell you a story. There was an Irish soldier here last summer, who wanted something to drink stronger than water, and stopped at a drug-shop, where he espied a soda-fountain. ‘Mr. Doctor,’ said he, ‘give me, plase, a glass of soda-wather, an’ if yez can put in a few drops of whiskey unbeknown to any one, I’ll be obleeged.’ Now,” continued Mr. Lincoln, “if ‘Jake’ Thompson is permitted to go through Maine unbeknown to any one, what’s the harm? So don’t have him arrested.”
MORE LIGHT AND LESS NOISE.
The President was bothered to death by those persons who boisterously demanded that the War be pushed vigorously; also, those who shouted their advice and opinions into his weary ears, but who never suggested anything practical. These fellows were not in the army, nor did they ever take any interest, in a personal way, in military matters, except when engaged in dodging drafts.
“That reminds me,” remarked Mr. Lincoln one day, “of a farmer who lost his way on the Western frontier. Night came on, and the embarrassments of his position were increased by a furious tempest which suddenly burst upon him. To add to his discomfort, his horse had given out, leaving him exposed to all the dangers of the pitiless storm.
“The peals of thunder were terrific, the frequent flashes of lightning affording the only guide on the road as he resolutely trudged onward, leading his jaded steed. The earth seemed fairly to tremble beneath him in the war of elements. One bolt threw him suddenly upon his knees.
“Our traveler was not a prayerful man, but finding himself involuntarily brought to an attitude of devotion, he addressed himself to the Throne of Grace in the following prayer for his deliverance:
“‘O God! hear my prayer this time, for Thou knowest it is not often that I call upon Thee. And, O Lord! if it is all the same to Thee, give us a little more light and a little less noise.’
“I wish,” the President said, sadly, “there was a stronger disposition manifested on the part of our civilian warriors to unite in suppressing the rebellion, and a little less noise as to how and by whom the chief executive office shall be administered.”
ONE BULLET AND A HATFUL.
Lincoln made the best of everything, and if he couldn’t get what he wanted he took what he could get. In matters of policy, while President he acted according to this rule. He would take perilous chances, even when the result was, to the minds of his friends, not worth the risk he had run.
One day at a meeting of the Cabinet, it being at the time when it seemed as though war with England and France could not be avoided, Secretary of State Seward and Secretary of War Stanton warmly advocated that the United States maintain an attitude, the result of which would have been a declaration of hostilities by the European Powers mentioned.
“Why take any more chances than are absolutely necessary?” asked the President.
“We must maintain our honor at any cost,” insisted Secretary Seward.
“We would be branded as cowards before the entire world,” Secretary Stanton said.
“But why run the greater risk when we can take a smaller one?” queried the President calmly. “The less risk we run the better for us. That reminds me of a story I heard a day or two ago, the hero of which was on the firing line during a recent battle, where the bullets were flying thick.
“Finally his courage gave way entirely, and throwing down his gun, he ran for dear life.
“As he was flying along at top speed he came across an officer who drew his revolver and shouted, ‘Go back to your regiment at once or I will shoot you!’
“‘Shoot and be hanged,’ the racer exclaimed. ‘What’s one bullet to a whole hatful?’”
LINCOLN’S STORY TO PEACE COMMISSIONERS.
Among the reminiscences of Lincoln left by Editor Henry J. Raymond, is the following:
Among the stories told by Lincoln, which is freshest in my mind, one which he related to me shortly after its occurrence, belongs to the history of the famous interview on board the River Queen, at Hampton Roads, between himself and Secretary Seward and the rebel Peace Commissioners. It was reported at the time that the President told a “little story” on that occasion, and the inquiry went around among the newspapers, “What was it?”
The New York Herald published what purported to be a version of it, but the “point” was entirely lost, and it attracted no attention. Being in Washington a few days subsequent to the interview with the Commissioners (my previous sojourn there having terminated about the first of last August), I asked Mr. Lincoln one day if it was true that he told Stephens, Hunter and Campbell a story.
“Why, yes,” he replied, manifesting some surprise, “but has it leaked out? I was in hopes nothing would be said about it, lest some over-sensitive people should imagine there was a degree of levity in the intercourse between us.” He then went on to relate the circumstances which called it out.
“You see,” said he, “we had reached and were discussing the slavery question. Mr. Hunter said, substantially, that the slaves, always accustomed to an overseer, and to work upon compulsion, suddenly freed, as they would be if the South should consent to peace on the basis of the ‘Emancipation Proclamation,’ would precipitate not only themselves, but the entire Southern society, into irremediable ruin. No work would be done, nothing would be cultivated, and both blacks and whites would starve!”
Said the President: “I waited for Seward to answer that argument, but as he was silent, I at length said: ‘Mr. Hunter, you ought to know a great deal better about this argument than I, for you have always lived under the slave system. I can only say, in reply to your statement of the case, that it reminds me of a man out in Illinois, by the name of Case, who undertook, a few years ago, to raise a very large herd of hogs. It was a great trouble to feed them, and how to get around this was a puzzle to him. At length he hit on the plan of planting an immense field of potatoes, and, when they were sufficiently grown, he turned the whole herd into the field, and let them have full swing, thus saving not only the labor of feeding the hogs, but also that of digging the potatoes. Charmed with his sagacity, he stood one day leaning against the fence, counting his hogs, when a neighbor came along.
“‘Well, well,’ said he, ‘Mr. Case, this is all very fine. Your hogs are doing very well just now, but you know out here in Illinois the frost comes early, and the ground freezes for a foot deep. Then what you going to do?’
“This was a view of the matter which Mr. Case had not taken into account. Butchering time for hogs was ‘way on in December or January! He scratched his head, and at length stammered: ‘Well, it may come pretty hard on their snouts, but I don’t see but that it will be “root, hog, or die.”’”
“ABE” GOT THE WORST OF IT.
When Lincoln was a young lawyer in Illinois, he and a certain Judge once got to bantering one another about trading horses; and it was agreed that the next morning at nine o’clock they should make a trade, the horses to be unseen up to that hour, and no backing out, under a forfeiture of $25. At the hour appointed, the Judge came up, leading the sorriest-looking specimen of a horse ever seen in those parts. In a few minutes Mr. Lincoln was seen approaching with a wooden saw-horse upon his shoulders.
Great were the shouts and laughter of the crowd, and both were greatly increased when Lincoln, on surveying the Judge’s animal, set down his saw-horse, and exclaimed:
“Well, Judge, this is the first time I ever got the worst of it in a horse trade.”
IT DEPENDED UPON HIS CONDITION.
The President had made arrangements to visit New York, and was told that President Garrett, of the Baltimore and Ohio Railroad, would be glad to furnish a special train.
“I don’t doubt it a bit,” remarked the President, “for I know Mr. Garrett, and like him very well, and if I believed—which I don’t, by any means—all the things some people say about his ‘secesh’ principles, he might say to you as was said by the Superintendent of a certain railroad to a son of one my predecessors in office. Some two years after the death of President Harrison, the son of his successor in this office wanted to take his father on an excursion somewhere or other, and went to the Superintendent’s office to order a special train.
“This Superintendent was a Whig of the most uncompromising sort, who hated a Democrat more than all other things on the earth, and promptly refused the young man’s request, his language being to the effect that this particular railroad was not running special trains for the accommodation of Presidents of the United States just at that season.
“The son of the President was much surprised and exceedingly annoyed. ‘Why,’ he said, ‘you have run special Presidential trains, and I know it. Didn’t you furnish a special train for the funeral of President Harrison?’
“‘Certainly we did,’ calmly replied the Superintendent, with no relaxation of his features, ‘and if you will only bring your father here in the same shape as General Harrison was, you shall have the best train on the road.”’
When the laughter had subsided, the President said: “I shall take pleasure in accepting Mr. Garrett’s offer, as I have no doubts whatever as to his loyalty to the United States government or his respect for the occupant of the Presidential office.”