MANNERS AND RULES
OF
GOOD SOCIETY

MANNERS AND RULES
OF
GOOD SOCIETY
OR SOLECISMS TO BE AVOIDED

BY A MEMBER

OF THE ARISTOCRACY

THIRTY-EIGHTH EDITION

LONDON

FREDERICK WARNE AND CO.

AND NEW YORK

1916

(All rights reserved)

Printed in Great Britain

PREFACE

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"Manners and Rules of Good Society" contains all the information comprised in the original work, "Manners and Tone of Good Society," but with considerable additions. In a volume of this nature it is necessary to make constant revisions, and this is periodically done to keep it up to date, that it may be depended upon as being not only the most reliable, but also the newest book of etiquette.

A comparison of the number of chapters and their subjects with those of the early editions would best demonstrate how the work has grown, not merely in bulk, but in importance also. This extension has allowed many subjects to be more exhaustively treated than heretofore, and it now includes every rule and point that could possibly be comprehended in its title.

The work throughout its many editions has commended itself to the attention of thousands of readers, and it is hoped the present edition will be received by society in general with the marked success of its predecessors.

CONTENTS

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INTRODUCTORY REMARKS

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The title of this work sufficiently indicates the nature of its contents. The Usages of Good Society relate not only to good manners and to good breeding, but also to the proper etiquette to be observed on every occasion.

Not only are certain rules laid down, and minutely explained, but the most comprehensive instructions are given in each chapter respecting every form or phase of the subject under discussion that it may be clearly understood what is done, or what is not done, in good society, and also how what is done in good society should be done. It is precisely this knowledge that gives to men and women the consciousness of feeling thoroughly at ease in whatever sphere they may happen to move, and causes them to be considered well bred by all with whom they may come in contact.

A solecism may be perhaps in itself but a trifling matter, but in the eyes of society at large it assumes proportions of a magnified aspect, and reflects most disadvantageously upon the one by whom it is committed; the direct inference being, that to be guilty of a solecism argues the offender to be unused to society, and consequently not on an equal footing with it. This society resents, and is not slow in making its disapproval felt by its demeanour towards the offender.

Tact and innate refinement, though of the greatest assistance to one unused to society, do not suffice of themselves; and although counting for much, cannot supply the want of the actual knowledge of what is customary in society. Where tact and innate refinement do not exist—and this is not seldom the case, as they are gifts bestowed upon the few rather than upon the many—then a thorough acquaintance with the social observances in force in society becomes more than ever necessary, and especially to those who, socially speaking, are desirous of making their way in the world.

Those individuals who have led secluded or isolated lives, or who have hitherto moved in other spheres than those wherein well-bred people move, will gather all the information necessary from these pages to render them thoroughly conversant with the manners and amenities of society.

This work will be found of equal service to both men and women, as in each chapter the points of social etiquette to be observed by both sexes have been fully considered.

Those having the charge of young ladies previous to their introduction into society, either mothers, chaperons, or governesses, will also derive much useful and practical information from the perusal of this work, while to those thoroughly versed in the usages of society it cannot fail to commend itself, containing as it does many useful and valuable hints on social questions.

MANNERS AND RULES OF GOOD SOCIETY

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CHAPTER I

THE MEANING OF ETIQUETTE

What is etiquette, and what does the word convey? It is a poor one in itself, and falls very far short of its wide application. It has an old-fashioned ring about it, savouring of stiffness, primness, and punctiliousness, which renders it distasteful to many possessing advanced ideas; and yet the word etiquette is not so very old either, as Johnson did not include it in his dictionary, and Walker apologises for introducing it into his, and according to the authorities he quotes, it is supposed to be derived from stichos, stichus, stichetus, sticketta, and from thence to etiquette. But whether derived from the Latin or the French—and many incline to the latter opinion—there is no doubt that could a new word be found to replace this much abused one, it would be a welcome addition to our vocabulary. The word has unfortunately become associated in our minds with forms, ceremonies, and observances, in an exaggerated degree; and it has been so constantly misused and misinterpreted and misunderstood that ridicule and contempt have been most unjustly and unfairly thrown upon it. The true meaning of etiquette can hardly be described in dictionary parlance; it embraces the whole gamut of good manners, good breeding, and true politeness. One of the reasons which have no doubt contributed to bring the word "etiquette" into disrepute, is the manner in which the subject has been handled by incompetent people, who, having but a very hazy and obscure knowledge, if any knowledge at all, yet profess to write guides to polite manners—rambling and incoherent guides, which not only provoke a smile from those better informed, but mislead and bewilder any one rash enough to consult them, without previous inquiry as to whether they are safe to follow. A little caution on this head would insure the most correct and reliable work being secured amongst so much that is unreliable. Some people read everything that is written on the subject of etiquette, not only those who are ignorant and wish to learn something of its laws, but those who are thoroughly well versed in them and who, one might suppose, had nothing to learn; still these latter like to see what is written, to feel the satisfaction of being supported in their own knowledge by a well-informed writer; or of finding amusement in the absurdities gravely advanced by some one writing from another sphere than that where savoir vivre reigns. Others attach a very narrow meaning to the word etiquette, and neither accept it nor understand it in its true sense; they have an idea that its rules influence and govern society in general. Rules of etiquette are from their point of view but trammels and shackles; let them be cast off or burst through, say they; let every one do as he likes; let all behave as they like; we are in a free country, why should we not wipe our mouths upon the tablecloth if we please? Others again, devour books of etiquette on the quiet; they are very much in want of instruction as every one knows, but they have not the courage to confess that they are awake of this want, and are trying to pick up some knowledge of this kind to be useful to them; as their aim is to rise in the social scale, they would not let their friends know for worlds about this new study, but they know it, and find that they have improved, that they do not commit as many gaucheries as heretofore; still, they have caught the letter rather than the spirit of etiquette, they have read the rules it prescribes, and act up to them as far as their memories serve them; but they have failed in one essential particular of understanding that courtesy, consideration towards others, and unselfishness, are the sources of true politeness from which etiquette springs.

There is an idea amongst some few people who have mixed little in the world, and moved but in one fixed groove, that the more exalted the sphere, the more perfect the manners. It is needless to attempt to refute such a fallacy as this, for examples of the most perfect manner are to be met with not only amongst those who can boast of long lineage and high birth, but also amongst those who lay claim to neither.

Our present code of etiquette is constructed upon the refinement, polish, and culture of years, of centuries. Wealth and luxury, and contact with all that is beautiful in art and nature, have in all ages exercised a powerful influence on the manners of men; we do not say on the times, as unfortunately these advantages did not reach down to the many but were confined to the strictly few; but in these modern days the many have come, and still come, within the charmed circle; the ring broadens, ever widens; it is not now as in olden days that "their lot forbade." On the contrary, the possession of wealth or of talent is the open sesame to the most refined and cultured circles. The word etiquette is too narrow for all it embraces; it must be viewed in a double light, and be taken from a moral point as well as from a conventional one. A kindly nature, and an unselfish spirit are never wanting in true politeness, but the conventionalities of society give the finish and completeness to the whole, the colour, as it were, to the picture. In some the conventional spirit is uppermost and they have at best but a surface polish. In others the kindly feelings of the heart are allowed full play, and no act of genuine politeness is omitted or left undone in their intercourse with their fellows, and these graces of kindly politeness linger in the memory, trivial though they may have been, years after one has lost sight of this true gentleman or thorough lady, and one says of him, "What a charming man he was, how courteous and considerate, and how kind!" and of her, "She was the sweetest and prettiest-mannered woman I ever met."

It is only given to the very few to be thoroughly and unaffectedly charming without a shadow of self-consciousness or effort. To assume a would-be charming manner for the moment, with the desire to be unusually pleasing to some one in particular, does not confer the enviable reputation of having a charming manner. It does not sit easy enough to be altogether natural; it conveys the idea of being put on for the occasion, and, like all other imitations, it hardly ever pleases and seldom deceives. Etiquette and true politeness would have us go further than this, and our manners of to-day should be our manners of to-morrow, and not variable according to place and persons. The world is quick to note these uncertain demeanours, and every one's measure is readily taken and retained.

The rules of etiquette are indispensable to the smooth working of society at large. Take, for example, the etiquette of precedency, in force both in public and in private: on every public occasion, and in every private circle, precedency steps in to render assistance, and is as necessary in the smallest private circle as in the largest public gathering, because it assigns to every one his or her place as far as claim can be laid to place. Mistakes in the matter of precedency are not only committed by those who have enjoyed few social advantages, but by those also who have had everything in their favour. Young ladies, for instance, when married from the schoolroom, as it were, often make grave mistakes on the question of precedency, if they do not ignore it altogether.

The etiquette of card leaving and that of paying calls are indisputably necessary and only the very ignorant would attempt to gainsay their utility; without these aids to order and method all intercourse between friends and acquaintances would be uncertain and chaotic; as it is there is little excuse when the right thing is not done, and any departure from the simple rules laid down on these heads, is the best possible proof of the standing, position, and associations of the one at fault.

Any one point of etiquette if brought to the bar of common-sense would be pronounced reasonable, proper, and sensible; and there is strictly speaking no question of etiquette that cannot be thus judged and upon which a like verdict would not be given. There is no one rule of etiquette that can be described as absurd or ridiculous, arbitrary or tyrannical, and taken collectively the rules are but social obligations due from one person to another. Why should we not be a well-mannered people? Why should we not be refined, cultivated, and polished in our demeanour and bearing? Why should we not seek to charm if we can? Why should we not cultivate and encourage in ourselves consideration, thoughtfulness, and graciousness towards others in the smallest details of daily life?

[CHAPTER II]

INTRODUCTIONS

There are ceremonious introductions and unceremonious introductions, premeditated introductions and unpremeditated introductions; but, in all cases, introductions should never be indiscriminately made—that is to say, without a previous knowledge on the part of those making them as to whether the persons thus introduced will be likely to appreciate each other, or the reverse, or unless they have expressed a desire to become acquainted. For instance, a lady should not introduce two of her acquaintances residing in a country town or watering-place, moving in different circles, unless they have each expressed such a desire.

An Undesired Introduction, if made, compels the one to whom it is the most unwelcome, to treat the other with marked coldness, or to continue an acquaintance that is distasteful.

Should the slightest doubt exist as to how an introduction will be received—whether the meditated introduction is a spontaneous desire on the part of a lady or gentleman, or whether one person expressed a wish to make the acquaintance of another person and expressed that wish to a mutual friend—the received rule is to consult the wishes of both persons on the subject before making the introduction.

When a Difference of Rank exists between two persons, it would be sufficient to ascertain the wishes of the person of highest rank alone.

A person about to make an introduction, should say to the one lady, but not in the hearing of the other, "Mrs. A——, may I introduce Mrs. B—— to you?" or some such formula, according to the degree of intimacy existing between herself and Mrs. A. (See "The Art of Conversing.")

When two ladies are of equal rank, the wishes of the person with whom the person making the introduction is least intimate should be consulted.

In the case of one person having expressed a wish to make the acquaintance of another, there remains but the wishes of one person to ascertain.

Acquiescence having been given, the introduction should be made.

In making an introduction, the lady of lowest rank should be introduced to the lady of highest rank; in no case should the lady of highest rank be introduced to the lady of lowest rank. This point of etiquette should always be strictly observed.

A Gentleman should always be introduced to a Lady, whatever his rank may be, without reference to her rank, whatever it may be. This rule is invariable, and is based upon the privilege of the sex—"place aux dames."

It is not usual to ascertain a gentleman's wishes as to whether he will be introduced to a lady or not, although at a ball it is usual to do so when the introduction is made for a special object, viz., that of obtaining a partner for a lady; and as a gentleman may be either unable or unwilling to ask the lady to dance, it is incumbent to ascertain beforehand whether the introduction is desired or not, otherwise the introduction would be of no avail for the purpose, and prove a disappointment to the lady.

"Would you like to be introduced to Miss A——?" or some such polite phrase (see "The Art of Conversing"), is the sort of formula by which to ascertain a gentleman's wishes as to an introduction in the ball-room; as ball-room introductions are understood to mean an intention on the part of a gentleman to ask a lady to dance or to take her in to supper.

In general society, gentlemen are supposed to seek, rather than to avoid the acquaintance of ladies, irrespective of whatever sets in society to which they belong. It is immaterial to a gentleman in which set in society his acquaintances move, and he can be polite to all without offending any in their several circles.

With regard to his own sex a gentleman is generally as exclusive as to the acquaintanceships which he forms, as is a lady with regard to the acquaintanceships which she forms. Reciprocity of taste is the basis on which acquaintanceships between men are established, subject, in a certain measure, to social position; though this rule is itself subject to wide exceptions.

It is the rule for a gentleman to ask a mutual friend, or an acquaintance, for an introduction to a lady, and it is the received rule to do so when a gentleman desires to be introduced to any lady in particular; but gentlemen do not ask to be introduced to each other, unless some special reason exists for so doing—some reason that would commend itself to the person whose acquaintance was desired, as well as to the person making the introduction; otherwise, such a wish would appear to be either puerile or sycophantic, thus the request might meet with a refusal, and the proffered acquaintanceship be declined.

When Introductions are made between Ladies, an unmarried lady should be introduced to a married lady, unless the unmarried lady is of a higher rank than the married lady, when the rule is reversed.

The correct formula in use when making introductions is "Mrs. X——, Lady Z.," thus mentioning the name of the lady of lowest rank first, as she is the person introduced to the lady of highest rank, "Mrs. X——, Lady Z.," is all that need be said on the occasion by the person making the introduction. When the ladies are of equal rank it is immaterial which name is mentioned first; but there generally exists sufficient difference in the social position of the two ladies to give a slight distinction in favour of the one or of the other, which the person making the introduction should take into consideration.

When the introduction has been made, the ladies should bow to each other, and either lady should make a slight remark.

It is not usual for ladies on being first introduced to each other to shake hands, but only to bow; but there are very many exceptions to this rule.

When one lady is of higher rank than the other, should she offer to shake hands, it would be a compliment and a mark of friendliness on her part.

When a person introduces two intimate friends of his or hers to each other, they would be expected to shake hands, instead of bowing only.

The relations of an engaged couple should, on being introduced, shake hands with both bride and bridegroom elect, as should the intimate friends of an engaged couple; as also should the relations of the two families on being introduced to each other.

It is the privilege of the lady to be the first to offer to shake hands, in every case, when a gentleman is introduced to her.

A lady should shake hands with every one introduced to her in her own house—that is to say, whether the person is brought by a mutual friend, or is present by invitation obtained through a mutual friend.

At Dinner-parties, both small and large, the hostess should use her own discretion as to the introductions she thinks proper to make. It is not customary to make general introductions at a dinner-party; but in sending guests down to dinner, who are strangers to each other, the host or hostess should introduce the gentleman to the lady whom he is to take down to dinner. It would be quite unnecessary to ask the lady's permission before doing so. It would be sufficient to make the introduction a few moments before dinner was announced, and the usual formula is, "Mrs. A., Mr. B. will take you in to dinner." A bow is the recognition of this introduction.

When the majority at a dinner-party are strangers to each other, a host or hostess should introduce one or two of the principal guests to each other, when time allows of its being done before dinner is served; such introductions are oftener made at country dinner-parties than at town dinner-parties.

A hostess should, in some instances, introduce ladies to each other in the drawing-room after dinner if the opportunity offers, and she considers it advisable to do so.

As a rule, a host seldom introduces gentlemen to each other in the dining-room after dinner, as they address each other as a matter of course on such occasions.

A hostess should introduce her principal guests to each other, at five-o'clock teas, garden-parties, small "at homes," etc.—that is to say, gentlemen to ladies—for the purpose of their taking the ladies to the tea-room. In this case also, the introduction should be made without previously consulting the lady; and a gentleman, knowing the reason of the introduction, should at once proffer the expected civility.

At these gatherings a hostess should use her own discretion as to any general introductions she thinks proper to make, and should introduce any gentleman to any lady without previously consulting the lady if she thinks the introduction will prove agreeable to her.

When introducing ladies to each other, she should give married ladies, and ladies of rank, the option of the introduction; but should introduce young unmarried ladies to each other if she thinks proper.

When Callers arrive simultaneously, the hostess should introduce them directly or indirectly to each other, if there is no social reason to the contrary.

When a hostess is aware that her visitors do not desire each other's acquaintanceship, or, if she considers that the introduction is not altogether a suitable one, agreeable to both persons, she should not make it, but converse with each visitor in turn, at the same time not allowing the conversation to become too general.

At large gatherings, persons desirous of avoiding each other's acquaintanceship, could be present at the house of a mutual acquaintance without coming into direct contact with one another, providing the host and hostess possessed sufficient tact and discretion not to attempt to effect a rapprochement between them.

At Country-house Parties, the hostess should introduce the principal ladies to one another on the first day of their arrival; but if it is a large party, introductions should not be generally made, but should be made according to the judgment of the hostess. The fact of persons being guests in the same house constitutes in itself an introduction, and it rests with the guests thus brought together whether the acquaintanceship ripens into subsequent intimacy or not.

The same remark applies in a degree to afternoon teas and "at homes." The guests converse with each other if inclined to do so. The act of so conversing would not constitute an acquaintanceship, although it might, under some circumstances, establish a bowing acquaintanceship, especially between gentlemen.

Ladies should not bow to each other after only exchanging a few remarks at afternoon tea, or at a garden-party, unless there were some particular social link between them to warrant their so doing, in which case the lady of highest rank should take the initiative.

Introductions at Public Balls.—It is erroneous to suppose that it is the duty of stewards to make introductions at public balls; it is the exception, and not the rule, for stewards to introduce persons to each other who are strangers to themselves.

Society objects, and the stewards object, to making promiscuous introductions, on the following grounds: first, as regards the chaperon, whether mother or relative, who has the charge of a young lady; then as regards a young lady herself; and last, but not least, as regards the position occupied by the steward himself. A chaperon naturally looks and feels displeased when a steward who is a stranger to herself offers to introduce a man who is evidently a stranger to him, which fact she gathers by his saying, "This gentleman wishes to be introduced to your daughter," or by his asking the stranger his name before making the introduction. A chaperon is responsible for the acquaintances a young lady forms while under her charge at a ball, and if amongst her own friends and acquaintances she cannot find partners for her, she would prefer that she spent a comparatively dull evening than that she should run the risk of forming undesirable acquaintances.

Young ladies have not always the discretion possessed by their elders, or sufficient knowledge of the world to do the right thing. Thus, some young ladies would either coldly decline the introductions, or if the introductions were made, would as coldly decline to dance, whilst others, anxious to dance, would accept both the introductions and the partners, and take their chance as to whether their brothers would like to see them dancing with strangers thus introduced. A steward himself particularly dislikes to be made responsible for a man he does not know; and whether a chaperon and a young lady are old friends of his, or whether they are merely new acquaintances, they equally trust to his not introducing men to them whom they would not care to know, and of whom he knows nothing save that they have solicited an introduction to them.

Very few stewards care to accost a lady whom they merely know by sight and by name for the purpose of introducing a stranger; they prefer to decline to make the introduction, on the plea of not having the honour of the lady's acquaintance.

Stewards consider that the position of a young man must be a peculiar one, and his presence at a ball somewhat of an anomaly, if he does not possess an acquaintance in the room, through whom he can become known to one or other of the stewards, or through whom he can be introduced to any particular lady with whom he may desire to dance.

When a gentleman is introduced to a young lady at a public ball, it generally means that he is introduced to her as a partner, and that though he may not ask her for the next dance, he will for a subsequent one, or that he will at least offer to take her in to supper, or, if earlier in the evening, to give her some tea, or if she declines these civilities, that he will continue a conversation with her until the next dance commences, or until a dance is over. When a gentleman does neither of these things, but walks away as soon as the introduction is made, it is a proof how little he desired it, and that doubtless the option was not given him of refusing it.

Good-natured friends of both sexes know how difficult it is to get partners for well-dressed, well-mannered, good-looking girls at a ball, unless they are more than ordinarily attractive in some way or other, in which case they are popular and sought after, and the only difficulty rests with the young ladies themselves as to how they shall best apportion the dances so as to satisfy their numerous partners, or persuade their chaperons to stay for one more dance which they have promised to, etc.

It is a well-known fact in the ball-going world that the majority of young men insist upon being introduced to the most popular girls in a ball-room, and refuse being introduced to one who does not appear to have plenty of partners.

Public balls are in reality made up of a number of small parties and different sets, each set or party being entirely independent of the other.

At county balls the county people take large house-parties, and each house-party does or does not mingle with other house-parties, according to standing or inclination.

If three large house-parties join forces at a ball they form a very imposing majority; but there are other sets in the same ball-room, dancing to the same band and adjourning to the same supper-room, equally apart and equally distinct.

At balls held at watering-places, although the residents do not take large house-parties, yet they join forces with those residents with whom they are acquainted, reinforced by friends who come down purposely to be present at the ball. Thus, on the face of it, a steward's introductions cannot fail to be ill-received, in whatever set he may be coerced into making them; and it is well understood that introductions, to prove acceptable, should only be made through friends and acquaintances, and even then with tact and judgment.

As the stewards of a ball are usually the most influential gentlemen in the place, it naturally follows that they are acquainted with many, if not with all, of the principal people present, therefore when they make introductions it is not by virtue of their office, but simply as a matter of friendship, and through being personally acquainted with those introduced by them.

Introductions out of doors are rather a matter of inclination than not, as, for instance, when a lady is walking with another lady to whom she is on a visit she should introduce any friends to her hostess she might happen to meet, and her hostess should do likewise if time and opportunity offer for so doing; should any reason exist for not making an introduction on the part of either lady, it should be explained when they are again alone, as were either of the ladies to exclude the other from the conversation it would be considered discourteous towards the one excluded. When two ladies accidentally meet when out walking, and are subsequently joined by two or more ladies, introductions should not be made by either of the ladies, unless some special reason exists for so doing. A lady, as a rule, should not introduce gentlemen to each other unless one of them is her host, when it would be correct to do so.

How to act on the Occasion of an Introduction is determined almost entirely upon the reason for its being made, and by whom and to whom the person is introduced. Even the locale has something to do with it, and thus a variety of issues are raised, upon which an instantaneous judgment has to be given. The mind has to travel with lightning rapidity over the ground to arrive at a correct course of action; but the mind does not always respond to the call made upon it: it hesitates, and acts not upon the outcome of reflection, but upon the spur of the moment.

The Received Rule is not to shake hands, but merely to bow on being introduced; but this rule under certain circumstances would not meet the case; it would disappoint the one introducing and the one introduced. For instance if a relative of the former is the person introduced a bow would be a very chilling response to the introduction made; to shake hands, on the contrary, would be the correct thing to do, and both persons should offer at the same moment this cordial recognition. On the other hand, if a casual introduction is made without any premeditation, and those introduced are totally unknown to each other, an exchange of bows is all that is required of them.

Amongst the Exceptions for not merely bowing on being introduced are the introductions made between young ladies and elderly ones, and between young ladies themselves. An elderly lady, as a general rule, shakes hands with a girl introduced to her with the idea of being cordial and kind, not to say condescending, and girls generally shake hands with each other in place of bowing, as acquaintanceships formed by them have not the importance that attaches to those of older ladies; besides, a greater readiness to make friends is the privilege and characteristic of youth.

Men take very much the Same View as regards introductions as do women—that is to say, if an introduction is made by a relative of the man introduced, the men would shake hands and not merely bow. This holds equally good where intimate friends are concerned: they almost rank on the footing of relations, and a cordial reception is given to an introduction thus made. When casual introductions are made of necessity rather than of intention men do not shake hands. When "I think you have met A." or "I think you know Mr. A." is said—the one by a host and the other by a hostess—nothing further is required from either than a bow and a smile of acquiescence accepting the introduction and a disclaimer is not expected if "Mr. A." is not actually known. The uncertainty is an excuse for making the introduction.

Ladies do not rise from their Seats on being introduced either at an "At Home" or before dinner is announced, or after dinner, or when calling when people are introduced to them, or when they themselves are introduced. Half an exception occurs, it is true, at crowded "at homes," when to rise and talk to the lady introduced is almost a necessity: there is no vacant seat for her to take, and, therefore, if both do not stand, conversation is at a deadlock, as the few first conventional remarks made by either are lost in the general buzz going on around; also, it is awkward and ungraceful for a lady to bend over one seated for the purpose of saying a few platitudes. "Introductory remarks," or remarks following upon introductions, have too often a melancholy ring of commonplaceness about them and are distinctly trite. How can they be otherwise? To venture out of the commonplace into originality would be suspicious of eccentricity, and no one wishes to be considered a little odd.

Before and after Dinner, when Introductions are made between ladies it is to those seated near to each other, and, therefore, there would be no occasion to rise, as there might be at an "at home." There is no question of a lady rising from her seat when a man is introduced to her, unless that man is her host, when she should rise and shake hands with him, or a clerical dignity—a bishop for instance, if opportunity allows of it, and on a semi-official occasion. This question does not trouble men, as they are usually found standing, or they are brought up to a person to be introduced, and even if a man ventures upon sitting down at an "at home," or before dinner is announced, he springs to his feet with alacrity when any approach is made in the matter of introducing him to a fellow guest.

Introductions often have to be made at Afternoon Calls, supposing that two or three callers only are present and the hostess feels that she must render the talk general by making some kind of introduction, direct or indirect, as she thinks best. The ladies thus introduced remain seated and bow. They do not shake hands even under the exceptional conditions previously referred to, but they would at once join in the talk that passes for conversation, and on departure would shake hands with the relative in question after having shaken hands with the hostess and having expressed pleasure at meeting this near relative—mother or sister, or whoever she may happen to be.

Introductions between Callers made under enforced circumstances have not much bearing on future acquaintance. Those introduced pass so short a time in each other's company, and know practically nothing of each other's surroundings, that they are uncertain whether at future meetings they ought to recollect that such introductions have taken place, and whether they should bow or forget. Actually it would be correct to bow if the opportunity is given so to do, but unless the wish to bestow recognition is mutual it is of little avail if grudgingly given, and it would be worse still were it withheld. Some people have short memories for faces, and others are short-sighted, and both these drawbacks have to be reckoned with when expecting recognition from a person to whom one has been thus introduced.

[CHAPTER III]

LEAVING CARDS

The etiquette of card-leaving is a privilege which society places in the hands of ladies to govern and determine their acquaintanceships and intimacies, to regulate and decide whom they will, and whom they will not visit, whom they will admit into their friendship, and whom they will keep on the most distant footing, whose acquaintance they wish further to cultivate and whose to discontinue.

It would seem that the act of leaving cards is but imperfectly understood, and that many erroneous impressions prevail respecting the actual use of visiting cards: The object of leaving cards is to signify that a call has been made, due civility shown, and a like civility expected in return.

Leaving cards, or card-leaving, is one of the most important of social observances, as it is the ground-work or nucleus in general society of all acquaintanceships. Leaving cards, according to etiquette, is the first step towards forming, or towards enlarging, a circle of acquaintances, and the non-fulfilment of the prescribed rules is a sure step in the opposite direction. The following is the received code of card-leaving in all its details according to the etiquette observed in good society by both ladies and gentlemen, and should be faithfully followed.

A Lady's Visiting Card should be printed in small, clear copper-plate script, and free from any kind of embellishment as regards ornamental or Old English letters. It should not be a thin card, and should be three inches and five eighths in width, and slightly under two and a half in depth.

The name of the lady should be printed in the centre of the card, and her address in the left-hand corner. If she has a second address, it should be printed in the opposite corner of the card. If the second address is but a temporary one, it is usually written and not printed.

A married lady should never use her christian name on a card; but she should use her husband's christian name before her surname if his father or elder brother is living.

It is now considered old-fashioned for husbands and wives to have their names printed on the same card, although at watering-places, the practice of having the two names on the same card, "Mr. and Mrs. Dash," is still occasionally followed; but even when these cards are used, a lady and gentleman still require separate cards of their own.

A lady having a large acquaintance should keep a visiting book, in which to enter the names of her acquaintances, and the date when their cards were left upon her, with the dates of her return cards left upon them, that she might know whether a card were due to her from them, or whether it were due to them from her.

A lady having a small acquaintance would find a memorandum book sufficient for the purpose; a line should be drawn down the centre of every page, dividing it into two columns, the one column for the names, and the opposite column for the dates of the calls made and returned.

Leaving cards principally devolves upon the mistress of a house; a wife should leave cards for her husband, as well as for herself; and a daughter for her father. The master of a house has little or no card-leaving to do, beyond leaving cards upon his bachelor friends.

In the country it is otherwise, and those who return home are called upon by their friends and acquaintances in the first instance, unless under exceptional circumstances.

Ladies arriving in town should leave cards on their acquaintances and friends to intimate that they have returned.

Visiting cards should be left in person, and should not be sent by post, although in town, when the distance is considerable, it is tacitly allowed; but, as a rule, ladies invariably leave their cards themselves. On arriving in town for the season ladies having a large acquaintance often send their visiting cards to their various friends and acquaintances by a man-servant or through a stationer.

The Routine of Card-leaving.—As regards the routine of card-leaving. When driving, a lady should desire her footman to inquire if the mistress of the house at which she is calling is "at home." If not "at home," and it is a first call, she should hand him three cards—one of her own, and two of her husband's. Her card is left for the mistress of the house, and her husband's cards for both master and mistress.

If not a first call a lady should leave one only of her husband's cards if his acquaintance with her friend's husband is an intimate one and they are in the habit of meeting frequently. If, on the contrary, they know each other but slightly, and meet but seldom, then two of his cards should be left. This, however, not on every occasion of calling.

When a lady is merely leaving cards, she should hand the three cards to her servant, saying, "For Mrs. ——." This ensures the cards being left at the right address, and is the correct formula for the occasion.

When a lady is walking, and finds the mistress of the house at which she calls is "not at home," she should act as above.

When a lady intends making a call she should ask if "Mrs. —— is at home?" And if the answer is in the affirmative, she should, after making the call, leave two of her husband's cards on the hall table, and neither put them in the card-basket nor leave them on the drawing-room table, nor offer them to her hostess, all of which would be very incorrect; but she might on reaching the hall hand them to the man-servant silently, or she might send them in by her own servant when seated in her carriage, saying, "For Mr. and Mrs. Smith." She should not leave her own card on the hall table, as, having seen the lady of the house, the reason for doing so no longer exists.[1]

When a lady calling is accompanied by her husband and the mistress of the house is at home, the husband should leave one of his cards only, for the absent master of the house; when the master of the house is at home also, a card in that case should not be left.

When the mistress of a house has a grown-up daughter or daughters, the lady leaving cards should turn down one corner of her visiting card—the right-hand corner generally—to include the daughter or daughters in the call. This custom of turning down a corner of a visiting card signifies that other ladies of the family besides the hostess are included in the call. A foreigner turns down the end of a card instead of one corner only, which has not the same signification. It is to denote that he has left it in person.

A lady should not leave one of her husband's cards for the daughters of the house, but she not unfrequently leaves his card for the grown-up sons of the house.

When a lady intends leaving cards on a friend who is the guest of some one with whom she is unacquainted, she should only leave cards for her friend and not for her friend's hostess; but if she is slightly acquainted with her friend's hostess, she should leave cards upon her on the occasion of her first visit to her friend, but it would not be necessary to do so at every subsequent visit, especially if they were of frequent occurrence.

Young ladies should not have visiting cards of their own; their names should be printed beneath that of their mother on her card. In the case of there being no mother living, the daughter's name should be printed beneath that of her father on the usual lady's visiting card, but never on the smaller cards used by gentlemen. When young ladies are taken out into society by relatives or friends, their names should be written in pencil under the names of the ladies chaperoning them on their visiting cards.

Maiden ladies of a certain age should have visiting cards of their own, but until a young lady has attained what is termed a certain age, it argues no little independence of action to have a card of her own; but when she no longer requires chaperonage, she is entitled to a card of her own, being clearly her own mistress, and able to choose her own acquaintances.

When a young lady is on a visit unaccompanied by her parents, and wishes to call on ladies with whom the lady she is staying with is unacquainted, she should leave her mother's card on which her own name is also printed, and should draw a pencil through her mother's name to intimate that she was not with her on that occasion.

Cards should always be returned within a week if possible, or ten days at latest, after they have been left, but to do so within a week is more courteous. And care must be taken to return the "call" or "cards" according to the etiquette observed by the person making the call or leaving the card; that is to say, that a "call" must not be returned by a card only, or a "card" by a "call." This is a point ladies should be very punctilious about.

Should a lady of higher rank return a card by a "call," asking if the mistress of the house were "at home," her so doing would be in strict etiquette; and should she return a "call" by a card only, it should be understood that she wished the acquaintance to be of the slightest; and should a lady call upon an acquaintance of higher rank than herself, who had only left a card upon her, her doing so would be a breach of etiquette.

In large establishments the hall porter enters the names of all callers in a book expressly kept for the purpose, while some ladies merely desire their servant to sort the cards left for them.

The name of the lady or gentleman for whom the cards are intended should never be written on the cards left at a house. The only case in which it should be done would be when cards are left on a lady or a gentleman staying at a crowded hotel, when, to save confusion, and to ensure their receiving them, their names should be written on them thus: "For Mr. and Mrs. Smith." But this would be quite an exceptional case, otherwise to do so would be extremely vulgar.

Leaving Cards after Entertainments.—Visiting cards should be left after the following entertainments: balls, receptions, private theatricals, amateur concerts, and dinners, by those who have been invited, whether the invitations have been accepted or not, and should be left the day after the entertainment if possible, and certainly within the week according to the rules of card-leaving already described. On these occasions cards should be left without inquiry as to whether the hostess is at home, although after a dinner-party it is the rule to ask if she is at home, as to dine at a house denotes a greater intimacy than being present at a large gathering. If the hostess were not at home, cards should be left.

If a lady has been but once present at any entertainment, whether the invitation came through a mutual friend or direct from the hostess herself, the hostess being but a slight acquaintance of her own, besides leaving cards on her the day following, she can, if she desires, leave cards on her the following season, or, if residing in the same town, within a reasonable time of the entertainment; but if these cards are not acknowledged by cards being left in return, she should of course understand that the acquaintance is to proceed no further.

A lady should not leave cards on another lady to whom she has but recently been introduced at a dinner-party or afternoon tea; for instance, she must meet her several times in society, and feel sure that her acquaintance is desired, before venturing to leave cards. If two ladies are of equal rank, tact will be their best guide as to the advisability of leaving cards or not upon each other; the lady of superior rank may take the initiative if she pleases. If either of the ladies express a wish to further the acquaintance by asking the other to call upon her, the suggestion should come from the lady of highest rank; if of equal rank it is immaterial as to which first makes the suggestion. But in either case the call should be paid within the week.

Leaving Cards upon New-comers.—In the country the residents should be the first to leave cards on the new-comers, after ascertaining the position which the new-comers occupy in society.

Persons moving in the same sphere should either leave cards or call according as they intend to be ceremonious or friendly, and the return visits should be paid in like manner, a card for a card, a call for a call.

It is the received rule that residents should call on new-comers, although having no previous acquaintance with them, or introductions to them.

New-comers, even if of higher rank, should not call on residents in the first instance, but should wait until the residents have taken the initiative. If residents do not wish to continue the acquaintance after the first meeting, it is discontinued by not leaving cards, or by not calling again, and if the new-comers feel disinclined to continue the acquaintance they should return the calls by leaving cards only. Calling on new-comers in the country should not be done indiscriminately, and due consideration should be paid to individual status in society.

The lady of highest social position in the circle to which the new-comers belong generally takes the responsibility of calling first on the new-comers. By new-comers is expressed persons who intend to reside in a county or town for a long, or even for a short period, and who are not casual visitors in the place.

The custom of residents calling on new-comers is entirely confined to county society, and does not apply to residents in large towns and populous watering-places.

In old cathedral cities and quiet country towns, far from the metropolis, on the contrary, the rule holds good of residents calling on new-comers.

Cards "To Inquire."—Cards to inquire after friends during their illness should be left in person, and should not be sent by post; but they may be sent by a servant. On a lady's visiting card should be written above the printed name: "To inquire after Mrs. Smith." When the person inquired after is sufficiently recovered to return thanks in person, the usual visiting card, with "many thanks for kind inquiries," written above the printed name, is the usual mode of returning thanks, and is all-sufficient for the purpose.

P.P.C. Cards.—Formerly P.P.C. cards were left within a week of departure, or within ten days if the acquaintance was a large one.

The letters P.P.C. for pour prendre congé, written at the lower corner of visiting cards, indicate departure from town or from a neighbourhood. P.P.C. cards may be left in person or sent by a servant; they can also be sent by post. The object of leaving P.P.C. cards is to avoid leave-takings and correspondence concerning departure, and to prevent offence being given if letters and invitations remained unanswered.

In the country an absence of from three to six months renders leaving P.P.C. cards somewhat necessary; under that period it would be unnecessary to give notice of a temporary absence which does not amount to an actual departure. Short absences render it unnecessary to leave P.P.C. cards. Holiday movements at Christmas, Easter, and Whitsuntide are thoroughly recognized, and no leave-taking is obligatory. P.P.C. cards are now seldom if ever left in town.

Business Calls.—When a lady makes a strictly business call upon either a lady or gentleman she should give her card to the servant to be taken to his master or mistress, but on no other occasion should she do so.

Gentlemen's Visiting Cards.—A gentleman's card should be thin—thick cards are not in good taste—and not glazed, and of the usual narrow width, i.e. one and a half inches in depth, and three inches in width; his name should be printed in the centre, thus: "Mr. Smith" or "Mr. Francis Smith," should he require the addition of his christian name to distinguish him from his father or elder brother. To have "Francis Smith" printed on the card without the prefix of "Mr." would be in bad taste.

Initials appertaining to honorary rank should never be written or printed on a card, such as D.L., K.C., M.P., K.C.B., M.D., etc. Military or professional titles necessarily precede the surname of the person bearing them, and are always used, such as "Colonel Smith," "Captain Smith," "Rev. H. Smith," "Dr. Smith," etc.

As regards titles, "The Honourable" is the only title that is not used on a visiting card. Thus "The Honourable Henry Smith's" card should bear the words "Mr. Henry Smith" only.

A Baronet's card should be printed thus, "Sir George Smith," and a Knight's card thus, "Sir Charles Smith." A gentleman's address should be printed in the left hand corner of the card. If a member of a club, it is usual to print the name of the club at the right hand. Officers usually have the name of the club printed at the left hand corner in the place of the address, and the regiment to which they belong at the right hand.

Cards should be printed in small copper-plate script, without ornamentation of any kind. Old English letters look old-fashioned on a card, and are but little used; and ornamental capital letters are never used, and are out of date. The lettering should be as plain and as free from any sort of embellishment as it well can be.

The Routine of Card-leaving for Gentlemen.—To bachelors card-leaving is an irksome routine of etiquette, and is, therefore, in a measure often neglected, by reason of their having little or no leisure at command during the afternoon hours. This is now thoroughly understood and accepted in general society. When, however, a bachelor has his way to make in society and has leisure to further the acquaintanceships he has already made, he should follow the rules of card-leaving.

Bachelors, as a rule, are expected to leave cards on the master and mistress of a house with whom they are acquainted as soon as they are aware that the family have arrived in town; or if a bachelor himself has been away, he should leave cards on his acquaintances immediately after his return. He should leave one card for the mistress of the house and one for its master.

A gentleman should not turn down a corner of his card, even though he may be acquainted with other ladies of the family besides the mistress of the house. A gentleman should not leave a card for the young daughters of the house, or for any young relative of its mistress who might be staying with her; but if a married couple with whom he is acquainted were staying with the friends on whom he is calling, he should leave two cards for them, one for the wife and one for the husband, and should tell the servant for whom they are intended.

As regards leaving cards upon new acquaintances, a gentleman should not leave his card upon a married lady, or the mistress of a house, to whom he has been introduced, however gracious or agreeable she has been to him, unless she expressly asks him to call, or gives him to understand in an unmistakable manner that his doing so would be agreeable to her. This rule holds good, whether the introduction has taken place at a dinner-party, at a ball, at an "at home," at a country-house gathering, or elsewhere; he would not be entitled to leave his card on her on such slight acquaintanceship; as, if she desired his further acquaintance, she would make some polite allusion to his calling at her house, in which case he should leave his card on her as soon afterwards as convenient, and he should also leave a card for the master of the house, the lady's husband or father (as the case may be), even if he had not made his acquaintance when making that of the lady.

A gentleman should not leave a card on a young lady to whom he has been introduced, but upon her mother or the relative with whom she is residing.

When the acquaintance existing between gentlemen is but slight, they should occasionally leave cards upon each other, especially when they do not move in the same circle, and are not otherwise likely to meet; it generally follows that the one who most desires the acquaintanceship is the one to leave his card first, always supposing that the strength of the acquaintance would warrant his so doing. The one of highest rank should be the one to intimate that he desires the acquaintance of the other; if the rank be equal, it is a matter of inclination which calls first.

The rules of etiquette, though stringent as regards acquaintances, have little or no application as regards intimate friends; friendship overrules etiquette.

When a bachelor has a number of intimate friends, very little card-leaving is required from him as far as they are concerned.

Leaving Cards after Entertainments.—In the event of a gentleman receiving an invitation to an entertainment from an acquaintance, or from a new acquaintance, or through some mutual friend, he should leave his cards at the house within a week or ten days after the entertainment, one for the mistress and one for the master of the house, whether he has accepted the invitation or not. Between friends this rule is greatly relaxed.

It is usual for a gentleman to leave his cards on the host or on the hostess, after every entertainment to which he has been invited by them, whether it be a dinner-party, or ball, or "at home," etc. Whether he has been present or not, the fact of his having been invited by them obliges him to pay them this civility, although great latitude as regards time is now accorded in general society with regard to this particular rule.

If invited by a new acquaintance, the cards should be left a few days after the entertainment, but if by a less recent acquaintance they should be left within ten days or a fortnight, but the earlier the cards are left the greater the politeness shown.

If a bachelor acquaintance gives an entertainment, the same rule applies as to the necessity of cards being left on him by those gentlemen but slightly acquainted with him who have been invited to the entertainment.

When a gentleman has been invited to an entertainment given at the house of a new acquaintance, whether the acquaintance be a lady or a gentleman, it would be etiquette for him to leave his card upon them on their arrival in town or elsewhere, even though they may not have invited him to any subsequent entertainment given by them within the year. If during the following year they do not again invite him, he might consider the acquaintance at an end and cease to call. These complimentary calls made, or rather cards left, should not average more than four during the year.

Memorial Cards are out of date in society, and consequently should not be sent to either relatives or friends.

A widow should not make use of her christian name on her visiting cards to distinguish her from other members of her late husband's family. Her cards should be printed as during his lifetime.

[CHAPTER IV]

PAYING CALLS

Ladies stand upon strict and ceremonious etiquette with each other as regards both paying and receiving calls. Ignorance or neglect of the rules which regulate paying calls, brings many inconveniences in its train; for instance, when a lady neglects to pay a call due to an acquaintance, she runs the risk of herself and daughters being excluded from entertainments given by the said acquaintance.

When a call has not been made within a reasonable time, a coldness is apt to arise between ladies but slightly acquainted with each other. Some ladies take this omission good-naturedly or indifferently, while with others the acquaintance merges into a mere bowing acquaintance to be subsequently dropped altogether.

The first principle of calling is, that those who are the first to arrive in town should be the first to call upon their acquaintances to intimate their return.

"Morning calls," so designated on account of their being made before dinner, are, more strictly speaking, "afternoon calls," as they should only be made between the hours of three and six o'clock.

Calls made in the morning—that is before one o'clock—would not come under the denomination of "morning calls," as they can only be made by intimate friends and not by acquaintances, and are not, therefore, amenable to the rules of etiquette which govern the afternoon calls, which calls are regulated in a great measure—as to the hour of calling—by the exact degree of intimacy existing between the person who calls and the person called upon. From three to four o'clock is the ceremonious hour for calling; from four to five o'clock is the semi-ceremonious hour; and from five to six o'clock is the wholly friendly and without ceremony hour.

If a lady is driving when she calls at the house of an acquaintance, she should say to her servant, "Ask if Mrs. A—— is at home."

When a lady is walking, she should ask the same question herself.

When the answer is in the negative, she should leave one of her own cards and one of her husband's, and should say to the servant, "For Mr. and Mrs. A——."

When the answer is in the affirmative, the lady should enter the house without further remark and follow the servant to the drawing-room.

The servant should go before the visitor, to lead the way to the drawing-room, and, however accustomed a visitor may be to a house, it is still the proper etiquette for the servant to lead the way, and announce him or her to his mistress; and this rule should not be dispensed with, except in the case of very near relations or very intimate friends.

At the drawing-room door the servant waits for a moment until the visitor has reached the landing, when the visitor should give his or her name to the servant, "Mr. A——" or "Mrs. A——," should the servant be unacquainted with it.

If the visitor calling bears the title of "Honourable" it should not be mentioned by him or her to the servant when giving the name, neither should it be mentioned by the servant when announcing the visitor.

All titles are given in full by the servants of those who bear them, thus: "The Duke and Duchess of A——," "The Marquis and Marchioness of B——," "The Earl and Countess of C——," "Viscount and Viscountess D——," "Lord and Lady E——," etc.; but a marchioness, a countess, or a viscountess when giving her name to be announced at a morning call would style herself "Lady A——" only.

A gentleman or lady should never give his or her visiting card to the servant when the mistress of the house is at home.

A servant should not knock at the drawing-room door when announcing visitors. The servant, on opening the drawing-room door, should stand inside the doorway, he should not stand behind the door, but well into the room; facing the mistress of the house if possible, and should say, "Mr. A——," or "Mrs. A——."

When the mistress of the house is not in the drawing-room when a visitor arrives, the visitor should seat herself and rise at her entrance.

Visitors should not make any inquiries of the servant as to how long his mistress will be, or where she is, or what she is doing, etc. Visitors are not expected to converse with the servants of their acquaintances, and should not enter into conversation with them.

Formerly a gentleman when calling, took his hat and stick in his hand with him into the drawing-room, and held them until he had seen the mistress of the house and shaken hands with her. He either placed them on a chair or table near at hand or held them in his hand, according as to whether he felt at ease or the reverse, until he took his leave. Many middle-aged and elderly men still follow this fashion in a degree, and take their hats and sticks into the drawing-room when making formal calls.

The newer fashion amongst younger men is to leave their hats and sticks in the hall and not to take them into the drawing-room with them when calling. To do this is now very general, as hats are in the way if tea is going on; besides, men were apt to forget where they placed their hats, and frequently had to return to the drawing-room in search of them.

At "at homes," small afternoon teas, luncheons, dinners, etc., the rule is the same, and hats are left in the hall by invited guests.

A gentleman should not take his stick or umbrella with him into the drawing-room, but leave it in the hall.

When gentlemen wear gloves, they can take them off or keep them on as they please, it is immaterial which they do, but when a call is made when tea is going on, it is more usual to take them off.

When the mistress of the house is in the drawing-room when a visitor is announced—and she should so arrange her occupations as always to be found there on the afternoons when she intends being "at home" should visitors call—she should rise, come forward, and shake hands with her visitor. She should not ask her visitor to be seated, or to "take a seat," but she might say, "Where will you sit?" or, "Will you sit here?" or something to this effect; and should at once sit down and expect her visitor to do the same, as near to herself as possible.

Both hostess and visitor should guard against displaying a fussy demeanour during a morning call, as a morning call is oftener than not a tête-à-tête, and a tête-à-tête between two persons but slightly acquainted with each other requires a considerable amount of tact and savoir vivre to be sustained with ease and self-possession. A fussy woman is without repose, without dignity, and without savoir vivre.

A hostess betrays that she is not much accustomed to society when she attempts to amuse her visitor by the production of albums, photographs, books, illustrated newspapers, portfolios of drawings, the artistic efforts of the members of the family, and the like; conversation being all that is necessary, without having recourse to pictorial displays.

If not intimate enough to refer to family matters, the conversation should turn on light topics of the hour.[2]

People unused to society are apt to fall back upon the above adventitious aids. A hostess should rely solely upon her own powers of conversation to make the short quarter of an hour—which is the limit of a ceremonious call—pass pleasantly to her visitor. The hostess should not offer her visitor any refreshments, wine and cake, for instance. No refreshments whatever, save tea, should be offered to morning visitors; they are not supposed to require them.

In the country it is customary to offer sherry to gentlemen callers, and to order tea for the ladies, even though the call is made rather early in the afternoon, and a little before the hour for having tea.

Ceremonious visits are usually paid before the hour of half-past four; but if tea is brought in while the visitor is in the drawing-room, or if the visitor calls while the hostess is having tea, she should naturally offer her visitor tea.

When the mistress of the house only expects a few callers, "tea" is placed on a small table—a silver tray being generally used for the purpose. The hostess should pour out the tea herself; when a gentleman is present, he should hand the cups to the visitors or visitor, otherwise the hostess should herself do so, and then hand the sugar and cream, without asking whether her visitors will have either, unless she is preparing the cups of tea herself, in which case she should ask the question.

When a second visitor arrives, ten or fifteen minutes after the first visitor, the first visitor should take her leave as soon as she conveniently can. When the second visitor is a lady, the hostess should rise and shake hands with her, and then seat herself; the first visitor, if a lady, should not rise; if a gentleman, he should do so.

A hostess should also rise and come forward when a gentleman is announced; this gives her an opportunity of talking to him for a few moments on his first entering the room. The second visitor should at once seat him or herself near to the hostess.

She should introduce the callers to each other unless she has some especial reason for not doing so. She could, however, in the course of conversation merely mention the name of each caller, so that each may become aware of the name of the other. This is now often done when formal introductions are not made. If the hostess possesses tact, and a facility and readiness of speech, she should skilfully draw both callers into the conversation (a subject which is fully enlarged upon in "The Art of Conversing"). The hostess should not take this latter course unless aware that the two visitors would be likely to appreciate each other.

When one visitor arrives immediately after the other, the hostess should converse equally with both visitors, and the lady who was the first to arrive should be the first to leave, after a call of from ten to fifteen minutes. When only one visitor is present the hostess should accompany her to the door of the drawing-room, and linger for a few moments, whilst the visitor is descending the stairs. To do so would not be imperative, but it would be courteous. When the host is present he should accompany the lady downstairs into the hall; this also is an optional civility, and greatly depends upon the estimation in which the lady is held by host and hostess.

When two visitors are present the hostess should rise and shake hands with the departing visitor; but unless a person of greater consideration than the visitor who still remained seated, she should not accompany her to the drawing-room door.

One visitor should not rise from her seat when another is about to take her leave. When visitors are acquainted with each other they should rise and shake hands. When one of the visitors is a gentleman he should rise, even if unacquainted with the lady who is about to take her leave; he should not remain seated when the hostess is standing.

When two visitors, either two ladies or two gentlemen, have slightly conversed with each other during a morning call, they should not shake hands with each other on leaving, but should merely bow. When they have not spoken to each other, they should not bow.

When they have been formally introduced they should still only bow, unless the acquaintance has progressed into sudden intimacy through previous knowledge of each other.

When one of the visitors present is a gentleman he should open the drawing-room door for the departing visitor, but he should not accompany her downstairs unless requested by the hostess to do so; the visitor should bow to him and thank him, but not shake hands with him.

When the hostess has shaken hands with a guest, and before crossing the room with her, she should ring the drawing-room bell, that the servant may be in readiness in the hall to open the door. She should ring the bell even if the host were accompanying the lady downstairs. It would be thoughtless on the part of the hostess to forget to ring the bell to give notice to the servant that a visitor was leaving.

In the country, the caller before rising to depart sometimes asks if she may ring for her motor-car to come round. When the hostess is in reach of the bell, she should ring it for her; when a gentleman is present, he should do so. On the servant's entrance, the caller should say, "My motor-car, please!"

When a lady is calling on a friend, the guest of some one with whom she herself is unacquainted, or even but slightly acquainted, she should in both cases ask if her friend is at home, and not if the mistress of the house is at home; and having paid her visit, on leaving the house she should leave cards for its mistress if she is slightly acquainted with her, but should not do so if she is unacquainted with her.

When a lady has a guest staying on a visit to her, if convenient, she should, when her guest expected visitors, absent herself from the drawing-room at that particular time, unless the expected visitors are mutual friends of herself and guest.

If she is in the drawing-room with her guests when a visitor is announced so as to render an introduction inevitable, a formal introduction should be made, but the mistress of the house, after a very few minutes, should make some excuse, quietly leave the room, and not return until after the departure of the visitor. It would be inconsiderate were the mistress of the house to remain in the drawing-room while calls were paid to her guest by strangers to herself unless at her guest's particular request. When a visitor is a gentleman, and the guest a young unmarried lady, the mistress of the house should remain in the drawing-room to chaperon her.

When the mistress of the house is desirous of making the acquaintance of any particular friend of her guest, from whom she expected a visit, when the visit occurs and previous to the visitor taking her leave, the guest should ask if she will allow her to introduce her to the lady with whom she is staying. If her visitor desires the introduction, she should then ring and request the servant to tell his mistress that Mrs. A. is in the drawing-room, which message the hostess would understand to mean that her presence is desired, and the introduction would then be made on her appearing. An introduction, if made in this manner, could become the basis of a future acquaintance, both ladies having had the option of refusing the acquaintance of the other if so disposed; whereas a forced introduction where no option is given would hardly count as the basis of a future acquaintance unless the ladies thus introduced mutually appreciated each other.

In the country a guest seldom has friends and acquaintances in the neighbourhood, who are unknown to her hostess; if otherwise, the hostess should give her guest the opportunity of seeing her visitor by leaving them together when the call is made.

When a guest is present when the mistress of a house is receiving callers, she should introduce them to her guest or her guest to them, according to the rank of either (see [Chapter II.]).

When a lady is driving with a friend who is a stranger to the acquaintance on whom she is calling, she should not take her into the house with her while she makes her call, unless she is a young lady, or unless there is some especial reason for introducing the two ladies to each other, or unless both ladies have expressed a wish to become acquainted with each other. Husbands and wives occasionally pay calls together, but oftener they do not. A lady, as a rule, pays a call by herself, unless she has a grown-up daughter, when she should accompany her mother.

Occasionally two ladies, both intimate with the lady of the house, pay their calls together. A family party, of father and mother and daughter, or daughters, rarely call in town together, save under very exceptional circumstances; but in the country a family party of three or four would, as a matter of course, call together; it is country etiquette to do so.

A considerable difference exists with regard to "Sunday calls," or calling on Sundays. Ladies should not pay ceremonious calls on Sundays; it would not be etiquette for an acquaintance to call on a Sunday, it would rather be considered a liberty, unless she were expressly asked to do so. Intimate friends, on the contrary, often make Sunday a special day for calling, and therefore, ladies and gentlemen—more especially gentlemen—extend their calling hours from three until six o'clock on Sundays.

When a lady is acquainted with the daughters of a family only, and not with their father or mother, she should call on the daughters, who should at once introduce her to their mother on the next occasion of calling. If the mother is not present, the lady calling should leave cards for her; and at all morning calls, when the daughters of the house receive a ceremonious visit from an acquaintance, in the absence of their mother, whether from indisposition or any other cause, cards should be left for her in the hall before leaving by the lady calling (see [Chapter III.]).

In all cases, when "morning calls" are made, and the lady called on is not at home, cards should be left according to the etiquette described in [Chapter II.], an etiquette which should be strictly observed; when the lady called on is "at home," cards should be left for the gentlemen of the family, according to the same rules of card-leaving, which cannot be too punctiliously followed.

A mistress of a house should inform her servant after or before luncheon, or before the hours for calling, whether she intends to be "at home" to visitors or not during the afternoon.

"Not at home" is the understood formula expressive of not wishing to see visitors.

"Not at home" is not intended to imply an untruth, but rather to signify that for some reason, or reasons, it is not desirable to see visitors; and as it would be impossible to explain to acquaintances the why and the wherefore of its being inconvenient to receive visitors, the formula of "Not at home" is all-sufficient explanation, provided always that a servant is able to give a direct answer at once of "Not at home" when the query is put to him. If a servant is not sure as to whether his mistress wishes to see visitors or not, it is almost a direct offence to the lady calling if he hesitates as to his answer, and leaves her either sitting in her carriage or standing in the hall, while "He will see if his mistress is 'at home,'" perhaps returning with the unsatisfactory answer that she is "Not at home"; in which case the intimation is almost received as a personal exclusion rather than as a general exclusion of visitors.

If a lady is dressing to go out when a visitor calls, the servant can mention that fact to a visitor calling, and offer to ascertain if his mistress will see the caller; and the caller should use her own discretion as to whether she will allow him to do so or not; but unless the visit is one of importance, it would be best in such a case only to leave cards.

When a second visitor calls, a servant should not be permitted to say that his mistress is "engaged with a lady," or "with a gentleman," but should usher the second caller into the drawing-room, as he has previously done the first caller. He should not inquire as to whether his mistress will see the second caller or not. Neither should he inform the second caller as to whether any one is or is not with his mistress, as ignorant servants are too apt to do.

It is not usual to offer coffee at afternoon tea; tea only is given. To offer coffee is a foreign fashion, and not an English one.

"Morning" callers should not be conducted to the dining-room to have tea; and tea is only served in the dining-room on the occasion of a large afternoon tea, or afternoon "at home," etc. (See chapter on "Afternoon 'At Homes'" [p. 151.])

The tea hour varies from 4 to 4.30 o'clock. When callers are present at 4 o'clock, tea should be brought in at that hour. It should be placed upon a small table, which is first covered with a white linen or damask tea-cloth. The tea-tray should be large enough to hold, in addition to the china, silver teapot, etc., an urn for hot water, which should be brought in and placed upon it. A stand containing hot cakes, an uncut cake, small cakes, tiny sandwiches, and thin bread-and-butter should be placed near to the tea-table. Tiny tea-plates should be placed in a pile upon the tea-tray, they being in general use. The hostess or her daughter should pour out the tea.

Apart from the foregoing style of afternoon tea is the newer fashion of what might be termed "a round-table tea," at which hostess and guests sit, but this style is more usual at country houses than in town houses at present, on account of the space required, if for no other reason. The tea is served in a smaller drawing-room, upon a large round or oval table, which is covered with a white table-cloth, upon which the tea-tray with all its contents is placed. Cakes, hot and cold, sandwiches, pastry, fruit, jam, bread-and-butter, biscuits, dry toast, etc., are given, and the visitors seated at the table help themselves to what they require. The hostess pours out the tea and hands the cups as when guests are not seated in this way. Dessert plates and dessert knives and forks should be placed on the table beside the small tea-plates, to be taken as required.

[CHAPTER V]

PRECEDENCY

The order of precedency due to each individual according to rank is a matter of great importance at official banquets and at ceremonious dinner-parties, when its correct observance should be strictly adhered to.

As regards Precedency amongst Royal Personages, the Sovereign takes precedence of all others in the realm; the King takes precedence of Queen Mary. The Prince of Wales takes precedence of the Duke of Connaught. Queen Alexandra takes precedence of the Royal Princesses. The Royal Princesses take precedence of their husbands, Prince Christian and the Duke of Argyll.

The Precedency accorded to Foreign Royal Personages in this country very much depends upon their individual rank. Imperial Highnesses and Royal Highnesses take precedence of Serene Highnesses.

The Precedency accorded to Eastern Princes is generally synonymous with that accorded to Serene Highnesses; but in some instances the claims of individual precedency are so difficult to define, that in official cases it is sometimes necessary to make a special rule as to the amount of precedency to be allowed.

As regards General Precedency, archbishops, ambassadors, The Lord High Chancellor, The Prime Minister, Lord Chancellor of Ireland, Lord President of the Council, and Lord Privy Seal, take precedence of dukes; dukes take precedence of earls, and so on throughout the various degrees of nobility.

Foreign Ministers and Envoys take precedence next after dukes, in the order of their seniority of service in England. In all cases where precedency is to be established between persons of equal rank it is necessary to refer to a Peerage for date of creation of title, as this actually decides all precedency.

For Precedency due to Baronets and their wives a Baronetage should be consulted.

For Precedency due to Knights and their wives a Knightage should be consulted in reference to each order of knighthood.

For the Precedency due to the Legal Profession a Law List should be consulted when it is not defined by office or birth.

For the Precedency due to the Clergy a Clergy List should be consulted when superior preferment or birth does not define it.

For the Precedency due to Officers in the army and navy an Army List and a Navy List should be consulted to determine the precedency due to each in the separate Services.

Officers should be sent in to Dinner according to the dates of commission, but no branch of the Army takes precedence over the other as regards rank of officers; that is to say, a colonel of 1901, of say, a West India regiment, would precede a colonel of Guards, artillery or cavalry of 1902 promotion. Drawn up on a brigade parade, the cavalry take the right of the line; thus: Artillery, Royal Engineers, footguards and regular regiments, regiments and West India regiments, in the order named in the Army List.

As regards Precedency between Officers of the combined Services a table of "Relative Rank and Precedency in the Army and Navy" should be consulted, as a captain in the navy after three years' service ranks with a colonel in the army, a lieutenant of the navy of eight years' standing ranks with a major in the army, and a lieutenant under that standing in the navy, ranks with a captain in the army, etc.

Consulate officers also take precedence according to seniority of service in England and date of official arrival. The Foreign Office List of the current year should be consulted for date in each instance.

As regards the Precedence due to Widows bearing titles who have married again: The widow of a peer married to a commoner retains her title by courtesy, and the precedency due to the title is accorded to her.

When the Widow of a Duke marries a person of lower rank than that of her late husband, she still retains her precedency.

The Daughter of a Peer if married to a baronet or a commoner retains her precedency, but if married to a baron her precedency is merged in that of her husband.

The Widow of a Baronet married to a commoner retains her title by right and not by courtesy.

The Widow of a Knight married to a commoner retains her title by courtesy only, but the precedency due to the widow of a knight is accorded to her.

When the Daughter of a Duke marries a peer she takes the precedency due to the rank of her husband; if she marries a commoner, precedency is accorded to her due to the daughter of a duke.