ETIQUETTE MADE EASY

ETIQUETTE MADE EASY

Made Easy Series

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ETIQUETTE
MADE EASY

BY
EDWARD SUMMERS SQUIER, M. A.

NEW YORK
EDWARD J. CLODE

COPYRIGHT, 1919, BY
EDWARD J. CLODE
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All rights reserved
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Entered at Stationers’ Hall
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PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

PREFACE

THE POLITEST MAN of whom history has record was a Norwegian. A stranger in a town of Norway asked a passing native the way to a certain address. The native raised his hat, bowed, and said:

“Sir, I am very sorry, but I do not know.”

The stranger passed on. A few minutes later, he heard the sound of some one running behind him. He faced about, and recognized the native, who came, halted, and after a few deep breaths, said, while bowing with uplifted hat:

“Sir, after leaving you, I met my brother-in-law, and I regret to tell you, Sir, that he also does not know.”

In spite of this story with its Norwegian hero, first place is usually given to the French in matters of politeness. There is an old story that illustrates with remarkable precision the national traits of French, English and German. This has to do with the manner of lighting a cigar. The Frenchman strikes a match, offers the flame to his companions, then makes a light for himself. The Englishman lights his own cigar first, and then offers the match to his companions. The German lights his own cigar, then throws the match away. The brief recital contains something deeper than mere humor in its analysis of national characteristics. The consideration of the Frenchman for others is indeed the essential basis for all true courtesy. Genuine politeness has its root always in a very real regard for the feelings of others.

The ancient proverb declares that cleanliness is next to godliness. In fact, so far as concerns casual associations, cleanliness is the more important. We have ordinarily nothing to do with the morals of those whom we encounter for a few fugitive moments, but the most fleeting companionship with a dirty person is offensive, while a perfect cleanliness is always pleasing in its effect.

As a matter of fundamental courtesy toward others, we are required to keep ourselves clean. Such cleanliness may be excellent as a hygienic measure, but one most eminent physician has declared that bathing is not essential to health, and he offers in proof of his assertion the great number of old persons there are in the world.

But those aged unwashed would be repulsive in refined society. Their condition would distress others. Quite involuntarily, they would thus be guilty of discourtesy.

The principle of consideration for others that exalts cleanliness as a virtue is the principle that actually fashions all the essential forms of politeness. At a decent dinner-table, one must not smack his lips, or make loud noises in taking soup from the spoon, for the simple reason that such behavior will annoy others. Often, a sympathetic person, absolutely untaught in the niceties of etiquette, will do the right thing by a natural instinct of kindliness, where another individual of polite breeding will do the wrong from sheer lack of that fellow-feeling which gives understanding.

Nevertheless, while the noblest courtesy must spring always from the heart, common convenience has settled on definite methods of deportment for various occasions. Ignorance of these details as to proper conduct is not a matter to be contemned, but one to be regretted, because a person thus ignorant, no matter how kindly his intention, must often disturb others by failure to do the expected thing in the expected way. In other words, he lacks knowledge of what are termed the proprieties. It is with the intention of offering assistance to those finding themselves in doubt as to the niceties of deportment that this book has been prepared.

It is arranged with the contents in alphabetical order, so that the topics are self-indexed.

In addition to the bulk of information set forth in the following pages, there needs only one direction of importance.

This is based on the ancient saying: “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.” Practically every community has its local customs, and these are always to be respected. There is nothing more snobbish than criticism by a stranger of social forms that are well established. It is always his duty to respect them and to observe them. Otherwise, he displays that lack of consideration for others which is the root of all rudeness. One sympathetically disposed toward his fellows who avails himself of the information in this book may rest confident in the assurance that he is indeed the possessor of good manners.

CONTENTS

Etiquette Made Easy

AT HOMES

THE AFTERNOON TEA is perhaps the most popular of social functions, and deservedly so, since it is essentially of the utmost simplicity, yet may be expanded into a most elaborate social affair. In the original simple form, the hostess merely welcomes her guests as they come to her on her regular day at home, in the drawing-room, and there offers them a cup of tea served by herself and light refreshments of sandwiches and cakes and the like.

The next development in the tea is in the nature of a small afternoon reception, or at home. For this occasion, the hostess issues invitations a week in advance. A visiting-card serves the purpose, with a line written below the name:

Wednesday, June fourth
from four until seven o’clock

If there is to be a guest of honor, an additional line may indicate the fact:

To meet........................

The procedure for the hostess at a function of this sort is more formal. It is usual to have the refreshments in the dining-room, though they should not be of an elaborate character. The teapot is placed at one end of the table, and presided over by some friend, since the obligations of the hostess prevent her rendering this hospitable service in person.

The third stage of the afternoon tea has come to take the place of the old-time reception, though it bears merely the designation “At Home.”

The requisite invitations must be sent out any time from a week to a fortnight before the date set. For these, an engraved form is essential. They are printed on heavy white bristol board, of the quality described for dinner-invitations, and inclosed in a single envelope. They may be issued in the name of the hostess alone, or in the names of a hostess and her daughter or daughters, or in the names of husband and wife—though this last is a very modern innovation. The following will serve as a model:

Mrs. James French Putnam
At Home
April the seventh
From four until seven o’clock
208 Flagg Avenue

If the husband joins with the wife in issuing the invitations, the only change is in the first line:

Mr. and Mrs. James French Putnam

Where a daughter is to receive with her mother, the girl’s name appears just below that of the matron:

Mrs. James French Putnam
Miss Putnam

Where there are two or more daughters thus associated with the mother, they are included under one title. Thus:

Mrs. James French Putnam
The Misses Putnam

When a younger sister is to appear at her début, her name in full is given a line after those of her mother and elder sister:

Mrs. James French Putnam
Miss Putnam
Miss Helen Louise Putnam

In the event of a guest of honor, the invitation may emphasize the presence of this personage by a special engraved announcement at the head of the invitation:

To meet
......................................

The remainder of the invitation will follow any of the forms indicated above.

Or the announcement may appear in one engraved line at the foot of the invitation:

To meet................................

At a reception of this character, the hostess is obliged to remain on duty near the door of the drawing-room throughout the hours set. But a husband or daughter receiving with her, though expected to join her in receiving the guests at the outset and for a considerable time afterward, is not so rigidly held to the one place, but after a time may properly move about among the guests with hospitable intent.

But a débutante must remain at the post of duty with her mother throughout the whole time.

In recent years, there has developed a pleasant custom by which the débutante invites a number of her young friends to join her in receiving the other guests. It is usual to entertain these at dinner after the reception.

The refreshments for an occasion of this sort are served in the dining-room with servants in attendance. Tea is poured at one end of the table, and perhaps chocolate at the other, while a bowl of punch is commonly at hand. The refreshments are of the buffet variety, but they may be as rich and varied as the hostess chooses. At such functions in the city, it is usual to lay a strip of carpet from the house door to the curb, and an awning raised over this offers protection to the guests in inclement weather. Where the list of guests is long, a liveried servant at the curb not only opens the doors of the motors, but also issues checks by which the cars may be summoned for the departure of the guests.

A butler opens the house door as the guest approaches, and gives directions as to the dressing-rooms. Another liveried servant at the door of the drawing-room announces each guest by name to the hostess.

At such affairs, both hostess and women guests wear what is properly termed a reception-gown—that is to say, one of elegance and richness, with a train if the prevailing mode permits, but not decolleté or sleeveless. Hats of a character harmonious with the gown are worn throughout the function, as are gloves.

The men wear black frock coats and gray striped trousers, with either a black waistcoat or a fancy one according to choice. While he leaves his coat and hat in the dressing-room at such formal affairs, a man retains his gloves, either keeping the left glove on the hand, and carrying the other, or carrying both. The right hand must be bare.

Each woman guest leaves on a tray provided for that purpose in the hall a card for her hostess and one for each of any other women receiving. She may also leave similarly the cards of any other woman member of her family who has been invited, but does not attend.

The man leaves a card for his host if there is one, in addition to those for the ladies.

No reply is necessary from one invited to such a reception, either of acceptance or of refusal. The presence of the guests is deemed a sufficient answer. In the event of non-attendance, the guest must be at pains to send cards, and these should be so timed in the sending that they will reach their address on the day of the at home, preferably in the afternoon.

At crowded affairs, the guest displays good manners as well as good sense by making the stay short. Twenty minutes is a sufficient time, and departure should not be delayed much beyond a half-hour. It is better not to say farewell to the hostess, unless the going should be at a time when few guests remain, and she is obviously at leisure.

The punctilious guest will make a point of arriving neither too early nor too late. Between half-past four and six is recommended.

The formal evening reception is less popular than in former days, but it still prevails to a limited extent. The procedure throughout is substantially the same as for that of the afternoon reception. The wording of the invitation is identical, with the single exception of the time specified.

The line that indicated the hours from four until seven o’clock must be changed to read:

From nine until eleven o’clock

Or, it may be properly stated, if one’s taste so dictates:

After nine o’clock

While for the evening reception all other formal details are the same as for an afternoon affair, the costumes of the guests, both men and women, are changed as befits the change in hours. The men are scrupulous in the exactitude of their evening garb—swallow tail, white linen and white cravat and white waistcoat, and patent-leather shoes; while the women array themselves in their handsomest evening gowns, decolleté and sleeveless, and display the richest of their jewels.

BACHELOR HOSTS

WHEN A BACHELOR entertains either in the afternoon or evening, he follows in a general way the procedure indicated for receptions under the heading “At Homes.” If the affair is to be elaborate, he may use engraved invitations.

Mr. Hartley Fane Treadwell
requests the pleasure of
.................................
company
on Wednesday afternoon, November the first
From four until seven o’clock
Nine East Third Street

A word or two at the bottom on the left may indicate any special entertainment, such as Music.

But there are certain proprieties to be observed that are peculiar to the bachelor. For example, he is not permitted to use a visiting-card with a line written on it for less formal invitations. Instead, he must write a note in the first person, or he may give the invitation orally. The invitations should be issued a week or a little less before the appointed time.

There is one other requirement of vital importance. The bachelor must always have a chaperon present for any gathering that includes both sexes. And she must be invited by note, or orally—even in cases where the formal engraved invitations are employed.

The chaperon pours tea, and on occasions when the guests are seated at table, she is given the place on the host’s right, unless there is a guest of honor, when she is given the position on his left.

The other women guests must take their departure at the same time as the chaperon, unless they prefer an earlier hour.

The presence of the chaperon at such entertainments makes it unnecessary for the unmarried girl to provide one for herself.

The chaperon should be a married woman, and her husband must be included among the invited guests.

When a bachelor wishes to issue engraved invitations for a formal dinner-party or luncheon, he uses the forms provided respectively in the chapters entitled “Dinners” and “Luncheons.” The directions as to breakfasts also will be found appropriate in a general way as set forth in the special chapter.

A bachelor should always be punctilious in calling on a chaperon shortly after any affair at which she has officiated, in order to tender his grateful appreciation of her services in his behalf.

BALLS

THE INVITATIONS for a formal ball are engraved on a sheet similar to that used for dinner-parties. But, like the dinner-invitations, they may also be written by the hostess. In sending these invitations by mail only one envelope is used when the invitation is written out. But the engraved form is enclosed first in an unsealed envelope with merely the name of the guest on the cover. This is put in a second envelope, which is sealed and has both the name and address written on it for posting. An engraved invitation, however, when delivered by a messenger requires only a single envelope, sealed.

These invitations must be sent out not less than ten days before the date of the ball, and they may be issued three weeks before the appointed time.

The accepted form may be either of those following:

Mr. and Mrs. George Wheatley
request the pleasure of your company
on Wednesday evening, April the second
at half-past nine o’clock
Dancing 71 Hamilton Place

Mrs. George Wheatley
Miss Wheatley
At Home
Tuesday, April the ninth
at eleven o’clock
Dancing 71 Hamilton Place

It is permissible to write the initials, R.s.v.p. below the word Dancing.

In place of Dancing, the word Cotillon may appear, if the whole evening is to be devoted especially to this dance. So, too, the words Bal Poudré may be substituted for Dancing, if the affair is to be a costume ball. Or any other form of entertainment may be similarly indicated.

The form used in accepting or declining such an invitation follows exactly the wording given in a later chapter in connection with dinner-invitations.

It is the duty of the hostess to greet her guests as at a dinner-party, and a daughter or daughters may assist her in her hospitable duties, but such assistance is not required of them. The host, also, may join his wife in receiving, and may make himself socially useful by various attentions to the guests. But such action on his part is discretionary, except that in the case of a woman guest of particular importance, he should take her in to supper if this is served at tables. Where a buffet supper is served, it is fitting that he should escort various guests from time to time.

It is not always necessary to invite mothers or chaperons to a private ball, and in that case a girl may be sent with a maid to accompany her. When the mother receives an invitation and accepts it, she may choose not to remain, but to leave after entrusting her daughter to the care of the hostess, or some other friend.

At elaborate dances, the supper at midnight is served on small tables, at which the guests are seated. The buffet supper is popular on account of its convenience, since the guests select whatever pleases them at any time.

Unlike the rule as to dinners, there is no obligation for prompt arrival on the ball guest. Likewise, the guest may leave at any time. It is not necessary to seek the hostess for a farewell, but if she is near, she should be addressed with appropriate phrase in appreciation of the hospitality that has been enjoyed.

A girl at a ball usually establishes herself in a seat by her chaperon, to whom she returns according to her convenience after dancing. It is perfectly proper for her, if at any time she wishes to be rid of a partner, to ask that he accompany her back to this seat beside her chaperon.

Evening clothes are essential for the male guest at a ball, and the wearing of white gloves is obligatory. A careful man is very likely to provide himself with an extra pair. At informal dances, ungloved men often cover the hand with a handkerchief to avoid any risk of soiling a partner’s bodice. If a man serves as escort for a woman, or for a girl and her chaperon, it is a part of his duty to provide a carriage to and fro.

The ball-dress for women is usually the most elegant their taste and means will contrive. It is always decolleté, and commonly sleeveless.

BREAKFASTS

A HOSTESS MAY USE her visiting-card for invitations to breakfast, simply writing on it below her name:

Breakfast at eleven o’clock
April the fourth

A more formal affair may have an engraved invitation on paper similar to that used in the case of dinners. This would have the following form:

Mrs. George Vinton Thorne
requests the pleasure of
................................
company at breakfast
on....................................
at.............................o’clock
Eleven Green Street

Or the hostess may, if she prefers, write a brief note of invitation in the first person. Whatever form is employed, the invitations should be sent out a full week, or a little more, before the date set for the breakfast.

The answer to such an invitation should be sent promptly, whether in acceptance or in refusal. The form is identical with that for dinner-invitations, except that the word breakfast is substituted for the word dinner.

Where the invitation is a note written in the first person, the answer must follow the same style.

A breakfast of the more informal sort, with no more than eight or ten guests, may begin as early as ten o’clock, but a later hour is preferred for very ceremonious affairs, with noon most esteemed as the hour.

Grapefruit is usually served, with finger-bowl accompaniment, and the meal that follows may be as simple or as elaborate as the taste and resources of the hostess dictate.

Usually both sexes are included among the guests at a breakfast. The women remove their gloves after taking their places at table, but not their hats. Veils may be removed entirely or pushed up out of the way, according to the wearer’s choice.

The guest should remain at least a half-hour after the conclusion of the meal, but not longer than an hour unless justified by exceptional circumstances.

Frock or cutaway coats are worn by the men, and afternoon dress by the women. The costumes for a ten o’clock breakfast should be somewhat plainer than for one at the more formal hour of noon.

CALLS

FORMAL CALLS are to be made in the afternoon between three o’clock and half-past five.

If a hostess has a day at home, formal calls on her should be made on that day. It is well also so to time visits for congratulation or to return thanks for any hospitality, or the like, as to have them also fall on the day at home. Usually, a due attention by visitors to this set time for calling is appreciated by a hostess.

While the formal hours for calls are in the afternoon as indicated above, the time varies in different neighborhoods. Evening calls are common in the country necessarily as a matter of convenience. And, while in the city women pay no formal calls on Sunday, these are permitted in smaller places. Ordinarily, too, there is license in the country as to the length even of formal calls, which may be extended without impropriety far beyond the limit of fifteen or twenty minutes which is well established in the city. A new resident or visitor in any community should be at pains to get information as to the local usage, and conform to it in all details.

It is permissible for men in our country to make social calls in the afternoon on Sunday, or in the evening. The exigencies of business are the excuse for the departure from the stricter form, which still holds in the case of women. The hour of such evening calls in the larger cities is from eight to nine, but the time is earlier in smaller towns and in the country. In every instance, the local custom is to be followed. Of course, too, men of leisure may pay their calls in the afternoon.

New residents in a neighborhood must await calls from those already established there. In the city, the first calls of the social season should be received by the hostess who first sends out her at-home cards. Where women have met out of town, and wish to continue the acquaintance in the city, the unmarried woman should call on the matron, or one who is under any obligation for hospitality should make the first call. Unless a distinction be drawn for some such reason, either may properly pay the first visit.

It is notorious that in the large cities there is no welcome for the newcomer from the dweller next door or across the street. The conditions of city life justify such aloofness. On the other hand, the conditions of life in the smaller places warrant exactly the opposite in the matter of hospitality. It is the recognized duty of the older residents to welcome new arrivals by calling on them promptly, after the strangers have had time to dispose themselves comfortably.

There are many varieties of those calls that are imposed by formal courtesy. Thus, in the matter of weddings, it becomes the duty of any one who has taken official part in the affair, such as a bride’s-maid or a best man, to call on the mother of the bride within a few days after the marriage ceremony, and also to call on the bride immediately after her return from the honeymoon trip. The like duty devolves on invited guests to a home wedding, to a wedding-reception and to a wedding-breakfast.

A similar formal call should be paid to the hostess by each guest at a dinner, or breakfast, or other special entertainment. Such a call must be made within two weeks. The obligation is the same even in cases where the invitation has been declined.

As to the returning of calls, such visits should be made on the day at home if there is one, and otherwise at a suitable time according to the social usage of the neighborhood within a fortnight. But this ruling applies properly only to the return for a first call. Afterward, a longer or shorter interval may elapse between visits according to the desire of the parties concerned. A former acquaintance may be maintained merely by an annual exchange of calls. It must be noted, however, that a call in person demands a personal visit in return. The formal leaving of a card at the door does not suffice.

Persons giving up their residence in a community or going on a long journey should send their cards to their full visiting-list with the initials P.p.c. (Pour prendre congé, for leave-taking).

It occurs often that a person wishes to call on a friend in the home of a stranger. Such a call is permissible, but the visitor should ask for the hostess as well as the friend, and leave a card for her.

In the matter of initiative, it is fitting that an elder woman should invite a younger to the exchange of cards and calls, and that the matron should thus invite the maiden. Where there is equality of years or station, the first advance must depend on the personal inclinations of the parties.

The proprieties in reference to calls between women are thus seen to be simple enough. There is more complexity in the procedure when it has to do with the calling of men on women. It is not deemed proper for a young unmarried woman to invite calls from men. Such visits on their part are left to the discretion of the mother or chaperon. But, undoubtedly, the débutante will see to it that mother or chaperon does not fail in her functions. As to the older women, and those married, there is some variation locally in the polite usage. Sometimes the woman feels it her privilege to invite the man to call without awaiting solicitation on his part; sometimes she requires that the advance should be on the part of the man in the form of a request for permission to visit her.

If any person requires that a definite time should be given for the emancipation of a girl from the social dominance of her mother or chaperon, it may be set at about the twenty-fifth year, after which time a young woman is theoretically fitted to decide for herself as to who her visitors shall be.

A young woman of sensibility will be extremely chary of her invitations to men, and very sure before extending them that they are really desired. If at any time a man fails to avail himself of such an invitation, her self-respect will not permit her to repeat it.

The strictness of the above rules of conduct has been greatly relaxed in the case of the average American girl, who democratically insists from the outset of her social career on her own choice in the matter of acquaintances and friends. But even this laxity does not permit an invitation to a man on the first meeting. Such haste is neither good form nor ordinary prudence.

In a consideration of formal calls, it should be noted that in practise the offices of the wife are commonly accepted in her husband’s behalf by her leaving his card when she pays her dinner-call, or the like. The exigencies of business are supposed to justify this vicarious method.

While it is proper for a woman to call upon a man for business reasons, social calls are forbidden.

Calls of condolence, except when there is an intimate friendship, are properly made by leaving a card. The expression of sympathy is usually best made by a brief note.

Calls of congratulation may be made by acquaintances of both sexes on a woman who announces her engagement to be married. Calls following the announcement of a birth are expected by the mother from the women of her acquaintance.

The day at home is such a social convenience that it is popular, not only in the cities, but in many smaller towns. It is usually set for one afternoon in the week, sometimes for an afternoon each two weeks during the social season. The day should appear on the visiting-card. The hours for entertaining on the day at home are from three until six, but this period is frequently extended for another hour. The hostess should devote herself assiduously to her guests, and should provide some light forms of food and drink. Usually, tea is served. Sufficient notice is given of the day at home by sending out the visiting-cards at the beginning of the season. One advantage of the day at home is that it justifies the hostess in not receiving casual callers on other occasions.

It is the duty of the hostess to meet and address each guest with a handshake. “How do you do, Mrs. Smith? I am so glad to see you!” or a similar phrase, should be used in greeting each arrival. She should also introduce strangers to other guests near by. She should not leave the reception-room to make her farewells to departing guests, unless in case of some person of particular distinction. “Good-afternoon, Mr. Brown. I shall hope to see you again very soon,” or the like, affords a sufficient form of farewell.

If the husband is present during his wife’s at home, he should undertake to second her hospitable efforts to the best of his ability, showing attention to any requiring it.

A woman caller does not remove her gloves or veil, or even her wrap, unless it is a heavy one. But rubbers and umbrella and any heavy outer garment should be left in the hall.

For a man, formal politeness permits the carrying of both hat and stick into the drawing-room. But this rule is to-day more honored in the breach than in the observance. And, too, the right hand at least is usually ungloved. The hat and stick, when carried, are held in the left hand, and should be retained throughout the call, though it is permissible to put them down on the floor beside one, for greater convenience when taking refreshments.

When the day at home is of a formal sort, the women do not exchange kisses in greeting, and the gloves are not taken off even when tea is drunk.

CARDS

VISITING-CARDS are of three sizes, which remain practically the same year after year. The largest is that used by matrons, while that of the unmarried woman is a very little smaller, and that of the man much smaller. The present style as to materials favors a polished bristol board that is white and substantial without being too heavy. This should be printed from an engraved plate in black ink. The lettering may be a running script or old English.

Under no circumstances should a woman’s card carry any prefix other than Mrs. or Miss, but one or the other of these invariably appears. This rule does not apply in the case of professional women who may wish a distinctive card for business purposes, with its prefix of Dr. or Rev. Such a card would also carry the address in the lower right-hand corner and perhaps office-hours in the lower left-hand corner. But even the professional woman requires the plainer form of card for social purposes.

There is a tendency at present to give the name in full on the card. For example, Mrs. John James Smith, or Miss Maude MacArthur.

It is permissible for the senior matron of a family to use only the family name on her card with the prefix: for example, Mrs. Fuller. It is more common, however, to omit the Christian name of an eldest daughter who is unmarried: Miss Fuller. The other daughters require the Christian name on their cards: Miss Mary Fuller, Miss Gladys Fuller.

The tendency in this country is strongly against the omission of the name in either of the above cases. Although it is perfectly correct as a social usage, it is opposed to the spirit of our institutions.

There is some variation in the use of the name on the card in the case of a widow. It is within the woman’s choice whether she will continue to use the Christian name of her husband on the card, or will put her own in place of it. In other words, she may use the same cards after the death of her husband as before if she prefers, or she may follow the Mrs. with her own Christian name. A common form to-day gives the woman’s Christian name and the surname to which she was born and finally the surname of her husband. A present vogue permits also the use of only the two surnames, without the Christian name. Thus, Mary Brown marries James Robinson. The husband dies and the widow changes her visiting-cards, which have read, Mrs. James Robinson, so that they now read, Mrs. Mary Robinson. Then presently she grows ambitious socially and has her cards changed to read, Mrs. Mary Brown Robinson. Soon, she seizes on a newer style, and again changes her cards in accordance with it to read, Mrs. Brown Robinson.

It should be noted that the variations in cards practised by widows are used also by divorced women. And when a divorcée resumes her maiden name she properly uses with it the prefix Mrs., not Miss.

As a matter of strict propriety, a girl during her first social season does not formally use an individual card. Her name appears below that of her mother in the same lettering. When making calls unaccompanied by her mother, the latter’s name is crossed out with a pencil mark.

Where two daughters of nearly the same age are concerned, both are included on the mother’s card by the words The Misses, followed by the family name.

The above details are applied especially to a débutante in the first season. Afterward, a young woman uses her own individual card when calling alone. But this card should not carry on it the day at home. The at-home statement appears on the mother’s individual card. It is given also on the card combining the names of mother and daughter. The combination card may with correctness be frequently used in appropriate circumstances until the daughter’s marriage.

The notice of the day at home is placed in the lower left-hand corner of the card. Only the day of the week is given, or with such qualification as may be required if the at-home day is not of weekly recurrence. The hours should not be specified unless they are a distinct variation from the customary time, between three and six. In addition, a time limit to the at homes may be specified. Thus, Fridays until March. Of course, the beginning is set for any individual by reception of the card.

A married woman finds frequent use for a card in combination with her husband, though this by no means takes the place of her individual cards, and, while it bears the address in the lower right-hand corner, does not usually give the at-home day. This card may properly be used for those formal occasions in which her husband is concerned. For example, it may fittingly accompany a gift from husband and wife. It serves also for announcing a marriage with the residence of the bridal couple.

A man’s visiting-card always carries the prefix Mr. The single exception to this is when Jr. follows the name. The name is commonly given in full, but it is permissible to use only the initial of the middle name. It is strictly proper for the male head of a family to use only the family name on his card, preceded by Mr. Thus, the head of the Smiths—could he be located—might use on his visiting-card merely Mr. Smith, instead of Mr. John Smith.

The home address appears in the lower right-hand corner of the card, and a bachelor may add also the name of a club in the lower left-hand corner. The business address, of course, should never appear on the card used for social purposes. Likewise, a day at home should not be given by a bachelor even though he may entertain regularly.

It is a safe rule to avoid titles on the visiting-cards of men as of women. The only exceptions are in instances little likely to concern the average reader of this book. Such instances are afforded by the President of the United States, the Vice-President, Ambassadors, the higher Judiciary, Army and Navy Officers, clergymen and physicians. The custom in the army, however, forbids any prefix except plain Mr. to an officer below the rank of Captain.

In the case of all officers the nature of his command is properly stated in a lower corner of the card.

Lawyers and physicians should have only the home address on the card used for social purposes. Another card with the business address should be used for business purposes. But Dr. is properly used by the physician in place of Mr. on his visiting-cards. Likewise, a clergyman uses Reverend, or its abbreviation Rev., on all his cards, which are commonly identical for both social and professional uses.

The letters indicative of degrees are not given after the name on the visiting-card, though a single exception is sometimes made by clergymen who omit Rev. before their names and, in lieu of it, use D.D. following the name.

When it becomes necessary, for any reason, to write one’s name on a visiting-card, the prefix Mr. should be given, following the ordinary form of the engraved card.

Care should be taken in the case of mourning-cards to avoid a too ostentatious parade of grief by an unduly broad margin of black. Somewhat less than a half inch is permissible for a widow’s card, and, after the first year, it is well to have this width reduced. Often, other reductions in the size of the border are made at intervals of six months, as long as the period of mourning continues.

The card of a widower must carry a border proportionately narrower, as its size is smaller than a woman’s card, but the decrease in width is made after the same manner.

When a woman elects to remain in mourning permanently, the narrow black border may be retained throughout her lifetime.

It is not customary to make variations in the mourning border for the commemoration of persons other than husband or wife. For these, a fitting width is about a twelfth part of an inch, which remains the same throughout the period of mourning.

When a call is made on a day at home, the card or cards are commonly left in the hall on a tray placed for that purpose. A married woman calling on the at-home day of another married woman for the first time in the season leaves her own card and two of her husband’s cards. But in later calls on the at-home day she leaves her card and the two cards of her husband’s only when the call acknowledges entertainment offered to them by the hostess.

There has been considerable simplification in recent years as to the leaving of cards. They are no longer weirdly bent in sign of delivery in person, and a smaller number are used. Thus, though the hostess referred to above may have unmarried daughters receiving with her, cards for them need not be left. But the presence of a married daughter or a friend formally assisting in the reception of the guests requires the leaving of a card.

A woman leaves no cards for the men of the family where she visits.

It is the business of the wife to fulfill her husband’s formal social duties by leaving his cards with hers whenever entertainment should be acknowledged.

Where two spinsters share a residence, a woman caller, the first time in the season, should leave two of her cards, and also, if she is a married woman, two of her husband’s. So, too, a card should be left for a daughter or sister who is hostess of the house, even though she may be unmarried.

When an unmarried girl uses her individual card, she should follow the procedure indicated for the matron in the use of hers. Or she may use the combination card of her mother and herself as already described above.

A call on a mother and daughter who are out requires the leaving of two cards. The same procedure is necessary in the case of a hostess who has a friend staying with her. Likewise, a call made on a friend who is a guest in another’s house demands the leaving of two cards. This rule applies in the case of a man as well as of a woman. It should be observed that two cards are deemed sufficient in most cases. Where, however, the hostess has a guest staying with her and also daughters of her own, three cards are to be left.

A man wishing to call on a particular woman must be punctilious in leaving cards not only for the particular one in whom he is interested, but also for the mother or chaperon, and still a third for the host. But, if a call is made on a woman on her at-home day, no card need be left, unless the call is in acknowledgment of entertainment. In the latter case, a single card is left for the host. It is advisable, however, that in his first call he should leave a card for convenience in the matter of address.

It is permissible on certain occasions to leave visiting-cards with the servant at the door, or to send them through the mail or by a messenger, instead of making the call in person. Sometimes a woman who is owing a call thus sends her card along with an invitation, as for luncheon or dinner. The invitation is considered to justify the merely formal matter of the card. So, too, a person receiving an invitation from a hostess who is a stranger must, if the invitation is declined, leave cards within two weeks after the date of the entertainment. An invalid may send cards through the post in acknowledgment of calls of inquiry, and a woman in mourning is able to fulfill her obligations in the same manner. Cards are formally left by all who receive invitations to a church wedding, and the requirement is the same for those to whom an announcement of the marriage is sent. Such cards are demanded of men and women both, to be left for the mother of the bride within a fortnight after the ceremony. Cards are left within a proper time after any form of entertainment to which the members of a club are invited, though there may be no other social acquaintance with the hostess. In calls of condolence or inquiry, cards are always left. They may be used also, as hereinbefore stated, to announce a prolonged absence or a change of address.

When cards are left in person, they are delivered to the servant at the door. One or two or three are to be left according to the circumstances. The caller should tell the servant the persons for whom the cards are designed.

Good taste dictates that calls of inquiry concerning the condition of a sick person should be made in person. Cards should be left at the time of such calls, except in the case of intimates. The cards should not be mailed or sent by messenger.

Acknowledgment of cards of condolence are made after a funeral by a large black-edged card of thanks, which should be sent within a month. Such cards are usually merely printed, not engraved. The wording should be of the simplest.

Mrs. Jack Robinson
returns thanks to
.............................
for her kind sympathy

The address of the one sending the card should appear at the bottom.

The form is varied according to circumstances. Thus:

Mrs. Montgomery James and Family
return thanks for your kind sympathy

Some persons prefer to leave their visiting-cards with the mourning border on those to whom acknowledgment is due, instead of sending the special card by mail. Personal calls, however, are not made by those in mourning within three months at least of the time of the funeral. If earlier acknowledgment is to be made, the visiting-card with mourning-border may be sent by mail within a few weeks. A word of thanks should be written on the card. For example:

With grateful appreciation of your sympathy

The use of P.p.c. cards has already been described in the chapter on calls. It should be added that they are convenient when one is leaving on short notice without time to pay in person all calls due. The P.p.c. card involves no duty of acknowledgment on the part of its recipient.

A woman temporarily stopping in any place sends cards containing her address to any acquaintances she may have there. Her ordinary visiting-card serves the purpose, with a pencil line drawn through the engraved address and the temporary one written above it. But a man, in the same circumstances, makes his calls in person.

The new-born infant embarks on its social career by means of the card. The birth of a child is made known to the mother’s social list by mailing the mother’s card, which has tied to it by a strip of white satin ribbon a card only a quarter as large carrying the full name of the baby. In this case, the prefix Mr. or Miss is omitted, but the date of birth appears in a lower corner. The recipients of these cards are required to call with inquiry as to the health of the senders, and to leave their cards in return. Persons residing at a distance may post their cards of acknowledgment, with a penciled phrase of congratulation.

DINNERS

FORMAL INVITATIONS to dinner should be sent between five and ten days before the date. A hostess may use her own discretion as to whether she will write the invitations by hand or use an engraved form. The wording is the same in either case.

Mr. and Mrs. Walter Peck
request the pleasure of
...........................................
company at dinner
on.................evening
at........................o’clock
401 Armstrong Street

The engraved form should be printed on a large, heavy piece of bristol board in old English or block type, or in script. When the dinner has a guest of honor, notice of the fact may be given by a line across the bottom of the invitation:

To meet Captain Arthur Shayne

Or a special small card may be inclosed with the invitation, on which is engraved a similar phrase.

When the affair is of extraordinary importance, the form of invitation may dignify the purpose by announcing it at the outset.

To meet
The Bishop of Albany
Mr. and Mrs. William Astor
request the pleasure of
........................................
company at dinner
on...........................evening
at.............................o’clock
401 Armstrong Street

For dinners to which only a small number of persons are invited and these mutually acquainted, the formal mode of invitation is not required. A simple note is sufficient.

31 Hamilton Place,
March 7th, 1919

My Dear Mrs. Robinson:

Will you and Mr. Robinson, if disengaged, give us the pleasure of your company at dinner on Friday the thirteenth, at half-past seven o’clock?

Yours sincerely,
Edith MacArthur

This form may be varied according to the taste of the writer and the degree of intimacy with the person to whom the invitation is sent.

When it becomes necessary to invite some one to take the place of a guest who is unable to be present, this late invitation should not be of the formal sort, but should be contained in a note frankly explaining the circumstances. Such invitations, of course, are never made to merely formal acquaintances.

The custom formerly prevailed of writing the initials R.s.v.p., on the dinner invitations, the initials of the French words, répondez, s’il vous plaît (reply if you please). But this usage has lost favor.

An invitation to dinner demands an immediate answer, either accepting or declining. The invitation cannot be accepted conditionally, nor can the decision be delayed. The form of reply should be as simple as the form of the invitation.

17 North Street
April 30th, 1919
Mr. and Mrs. Sloan Potter
accept with pleasure
Mr. and Mrs. John Morehouse’s
invitation to dinner
Tuesday evening, May the sixth
at half-past seven

For a declination, the following form may be used:

17 North Street
April 30, 1919
Mr. and Mrs. Sloan Potter
regret that their absence from the city
must prevent their acceptance of
Mr. and Mrs. John Morehouse’s
invitation to dinner on
Tuesday evening, May the sixth
at half-past seven

The invitation in the form of a note is answered similarly by a note. Thus:

42 Chestnut Street
April 30, 1919

It is with much pleasure that I accept your kind invitation to dinner on Tuesday evening, the sixth, at half-past seven o’clock.

Yours sincerely,
Helen Potter

A declination should state a courteous reason.

All such answers are addressed to the hostess alone. If she is married the husband is, nevertheless, omitted from the address.

The reply to an informal invitation should always be correspondingly informal.

For a formal dinner, there should be an even number of guests, eight or ten, or more, with the sexes evenly divided.

Either a round or square table will serve, but it should be large enough to accommodate all the party without crowding.

A pad should cover the table. The white cloth over this should be so large that the corners reach nearly to the floor.

A folded napkin is placed on each plate, with a roll or piece of bread laid within it. Three forks are laid to the left of the plate, with prongs up. Two steel knives are to the right of the plate, and then a silver knife, the edge of each to the left. A soup spoon follows the silver knife, and then an oyster fork. Other utensils are sometimes added, but are not necessary.

A goblet for water is placed before the knives. With it are grouped whatever wine glasses may be required. A small card lying on the napkin carries the name of the guest to be seated here.

When dinner is announced, the host offers his arm to the woman who is to sit on his right, and leads the way to the dining-room. Already, in welcoming the guests, the hostess has made known the dinner-partners, introducing them when necessary. These now follow in pairs to the dining-room. The hostess brings up the rear. The guests find their places by the cards.

The hostess does not rise in greeting a late arrival, even a woman. But the host does, and sees to the seating of the laggard.

It has long been the custom for the ladies to leave the dining-room after the fruit course, and to have coffee served in the drawing-room. In such case, the men stand until the women have passed out. Afterward, they seat themselves where they please, and smoking is permitted. The present-day tendency, however, is toward lessening the time of this separation and often doing away with it altogether, especially at less formal dinners, which otherwise follow an essentially identical routine.

Both host and hostess must say farewell, standing, with a handclasp, to each guest.

As for the guest, his first duty is to arrive exactly on time. Fifteen minutes of delay is the limit.

On ceremonious occasions, the hostess writes a lady’s name on a card, and places it in an envelope. This is given to the male guest on his arrival by a servant, and from it he learns the identity of the one he is to take in to dinner. When the dinner is announced, he offers his arm, and escorts the woman into the dining-room, where he pulls out her chair, and stands until she is seated.

It is permissible for dinner-partners, after the opening courses, to give some attention to their other immediate neighbors.

A guest is free to leave at any time after the conclusion of the dinner. Usually, an hour is long enough to remain after the meal is ended.

In taking leave, the guest must express a courteous appreciation of the hospitality that has been extended.

“I am under deep obligation to you, Mrs. Johnson, for a most delightful evening.”

This, or any similar pleasant phrases of gratitude, will serve. The words of appreciation should be particularly addressed to the hostess always.

Evening dress is required for all guests at a formal dinner. For men, the regulation swallow-tail is imperative. The wearing of a dinner-jacket is not allowable on any occasion of ceremony.

GARDEN-PARTIES

GARDEN-PARTIES are probably destined to grow in popularity in this century, for they offer one of the simplest and most pleasant forms of entertainment during those seasons when the outdoors is attractive.

For such an affair, the hostess sends out invitations about ten days beforehand. These may be engraved on white bristol board, in which case either one of two forms is permissible.

Mrs. Melville Stratton
At Home
Friday afternoon, April third
from four until seven o’clock
Garden-Party Nine Park Square

Or:

Mrs. Melville Stratton
requests the pleasure of
.............................
company on Friday afternoon
April third
from four until seven o’clock
Garden-Party Nine Park Square

If less pretentiousness is preferred for the occasion, the hostess may merely use a visiting-card. Below her name she writes:

Garden-Party, April third, four to
seven o’clock.

Still a third method of issuing the invitations is by means of a short note, written in the first person.

The formal engraved invitation demands a prompt reply, written in the third person. An acceptance might properly take this mode of expression:

Mr. and Mrs. Clinton Brewster
accept with pleasure
Mrs. Stratton’s kind invitation
for April third.
Thirty Abernethey Row
May twenty-fifth, 1919

A refusal might be in the following form:

Mr. and Mrs. Clinton Brewster
regret that a previous engagement
prevents their acceptance
of Mrs. Stratton’s kind invitation
for April third
Thirty Abernethey Row
May twenty-fifth, 1919

When the invitation is by means of the visiting-card, an answer is not obligatory. Yet, it is well to acknowledge this form of invitation, also, by sending a short note written in the first person, either accepting or refusing.

Of course, when the invitation itself takes the form of a note, the answer should follow the same style.

It is part of the duty of the hostess to put her house in order, as well as the grounds. The guests on arriving may, in many cases, go within before greeting the hostess, to lay aside wraps or heavy veils. Moreover, weather conditions may make it necessary to seek shelter indoors. It is often convenient also to have the refreshments set out on the porch. These should include hot and cold tea, punch or claret-cup, cakes, sandwiches, salads, fruits in season, and the like, which are partaken of by the guests according to their pleasure.

Or a marquée may shelter the refreshments—a tent roof set up at any desired place on the lawn.

The hostess receives her guests on the lawn. She wears an afternoon gown, suitable for the season, and a hat. But, if she prefers, she may leave off the hat, and use a parasol in its stead.

The women guests, too, wear their most effective afternoon gowns and also hats and veils and gloves, which are not taken off.

The men may wear frock or morning coats and silk hats, and this garb is common at garden-parties in England. In this country, however, more comfortable clothes are popular, and flannels, or other fabrics of light material, are favored.

Guests leave their cards on a tray provided for that purpose in the hallway of the house. The requirements concerning cards have already been fully explained in the chapters on cards and at homes.

After greeting the hostess, a guest must remain for at least twenty minutes, and may properly continue on throughout the whole afternoon.

Discretion should be used in the matter of saying farewell. It should be omitted if the hostess is occupied. If she is free, good-bye may be spoken, and with it a phrase in appreciation of the hospitality.