Cover art

EVER HEARD THIS?

OVER THREE HUNDRED GOOD STORIES

BY

F. W. CHAMBERS

THIRD EDITION

METHUEN & CO. LTD.

36 ESSEX STREET W.C.

LONDON

First Published ...... October 27th 1916

Second Edition ...... November 1916

Third Edition ...... December 1916

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CONTENTS

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EVER HEARD THIS?

[WHAT HE WANTED]

A lover and his lass sought a secluded lane, but to their disgust a small boy arrived there too. Said the lover:

"Here's a penny. Go and get some sweets."

"I don't want any sweets."

"Well, here's a shilling. Run away."

"I don't want a shilling."

"Then here's half a crown."

"I don't want half a crown."

"Well, what do you want?"

"I want to watch."

[HIS CHOICE]

A little boy, who had had some insight into the disposal of surplus kittens, on being shown his mother's newly arrived twins, laid his finger on that which struck his fancy, and said, "That's the one I'll have kept."

[NOT IN THE REGULATIONS]

A raw Highlander from a northern depot was put on guard at the C.O.'s tent. In the morning the Colonel looked out, and though he prided himself on knowing all his men the sentry's face was unfamiliar.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"A'am fine, thank ye," was the reply, "an' hoo's yerself?"

[CHEAP TALK]

Jones was proud of his virtues. "Gentlemen, for twenty years I haven't touched whisky, cards, told a lie, done an unkind deed, or smoked, or sworn," he said.

"By Jove! I wish I could say that," Brown exclaimed enviously.

"Well, why don't you?" said a mutual friend. "Jones did."

[SWEET ARE THE USES OF ADVERTISEMENT]

A Scot and a minister were in a train together travelling through a lovely part of Scotland.

Beautiful scenery--mountains, dales, rivers, and all the glories of Nature. When passing a grand mountain they saw a huge advertisement for So-and-So's whisky.

The Scot gave a snort of disgust. The minister leant forward and said, "I'm glad to see, sir, that you agree with me, that they should not be allowed to desecrate the beauties of Nature by advertisement."

"It's no' that, sir," said the Scot bitterly, "it's rotten whusky."

[A CANDID CRITIC]

Bishop Blomfield, having forgotten his written sermon, once preached ex tempore, for the first and only time in his life, choosing as his text "The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God." On his way home he asked one of his congregation how he liked the discourse. "Well, Mr. Blomfield," replied the man, "I liked the sermon well enough, but I can't say I agree with you; I think there be a God!"

[WHAT'S IN A NAME]

A lawyer who was sometimes forgetful, having been engaged to plead the cause of an offender, began by saying: "I know the prisoner at the bar, and he bears the character of being a most consummate and impudent scoundrel." Here somebody whispered to him that the prisoner was his client, when he immediately continued: "But what great and good man ever lived who was not calumniated by many of his contemporaries?"

[WHY BROWN LEFT]

Mr. Brown expressed to his landlady his pleasure in seeing her place a plate of scraps before the cat. "Oh, yes, sir," she replied. "Wot I says, Mr. Brown, is, be kind to the cats, and yer'll find it saves yer 'arf the washin'-up."

[AN ASS'S SHADOW]

A foolish fellow went to the parish priest, and told him, with a very long face, that he had seen a ghost. "When and where?" said the pastor. "Last night," replied the timid man, "I was passing by the church, and up against the wall of it, did I behold the spectre." "In what shape did it appear?" replied the priest. "It appeared in the shape of a great ass." "Go home and say not a word about it," rejoined the pastor; "you are a very timid man, and have been frightened by your own shadow."

[GRACE]

A precocious child found the long graces used by his father before and after meals very tedious. One day, when the week's provisions had been delivered, he said, "I think, father, if you were to say grace over the whole lot at once, it would be a great saving of time."

[MISUNDERSTOOD]

A farmer in the neighbourhood of Doncaster was thus accosted by his landlord: "John, I am going to raise your rent." John replied, "Sir, I am very much obliged to you, for I cannot raise it myself."

[TRUMPS]

Ayrton, Charles Lamb's friend, only made one joke in his life; it was this. Lamb had his usual Wednesday-evening gathering, and Martin Burney and the rest were playing at whist. Ayrton contented himself with looking on. Presently he said to Burney, in an undertone, the latter not being notorious for his love of soap and water, "Ah! Martin, if dirt were trumps, what hands you'd hold!"

[THE STUTTERER]

An old woman received a letter from the post-office at New York. Not knowing how to read and being anxious to know the contents, supposing it to be from one of her absent sons, she called on a person near to read it to her. He accordingly began and read: "Charleston, June 23rd. Dear Mother"--then making a stop to find out what followed (as the writing was rather bad), the old lady exclaimed: "Oh, 'tis my poor Jerry, he always stuttered!"

[PRESENT AND FUTURE]

A rude young fellow seeing an aged hermit going by him barefoot said, "Father, you are in a miserable condition if there is not another world." "True, son," said the hermit, "but what is thy condition if there is?"

[THE VOICE OF IGNORANCE]

A London girl visited the country on May Day. She came to a pond whose shallows were full of tadpoles--thousands and thousands of little black tadpoles flopping about in an inch of mud and water. "Oh," she said, "look at the tadpoles! And to think that some day every one of the horrid, wriggling things will be a beautiful butterfly!"

[A PASSOVER STORY]

A member of an impecunious family having hurried off to the Continent to avoid the importunities of his creditors, a celebrated wit remarked, "It is a pass-over that will not be much relished by the Jews."

[EXTRAORDINARY COMPROMISE]

At Durham assizes a deaf old lady, who had brought an action for damages against a neighbour, was being examined, when the judge suggested a compromise, and instructed counsel to ask what she would take to settle the matter. "His lordship wants to know what you will take?" asked the learned counsel, bawling as loud as ever he could in the old lady's car. "I thank his lordship kindly," answered the ancient dame; "and if it's no illconwenience to him, I'll take a little warm ale!"

[BARBER SHAVED BY A LAWYER]

"Sir," said a barber to an attorney who was passing his door, "will you tell me if this is a good half-sovereign?" The lawyer, pronouncing the piece good, deposited it in his pocket, adding, with gravity, "If you'll send your lad to my office, I'll return the three and fourpence."

[A GOOD PUN]

Sir G. Rose, the great punster, on observing someone imitating his gait, said, "You have the stalk without the rose."

[SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT]

The late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his Lordship, "you are a very great rogue." "Not so great a rogue as you, my lord, t-t-t-takes me to be."

[THE UNWELCOME GUEST]

A man who was fond of visiting his friends and outstaying his welcome had been cordially received by a Quaker who treated him with attention and politeness for some days. At last his host said, "My friend, I am afraid thee wilt never visit me again." "Oh, yes, I shall," he replied. "I have enjoyed my visit very much; I will certainly come again." "Nay," said the Quaker, "I think thee wilt not visit me again." "What makes you think I shall not come again?" asked the visitor. "If thee does never leave," said the Quaker, "how canst thee come again?"

[A LOST BALANCE]

A celebrated wit coming from a bank which had been obliged to close its doors, slipped down the steps into the arms of a friend.

"Why, what's the matter?" said the latter.

"Oh," was the quick reply, "I've only lost my balance."

[A BAD CROP]

After a long drought, there fell a torrent of rain: and a country gentleman observed to Sir John Hamilton, "This is a most delightful rain; I hope it will bring up everything out of the ground." "By Jove, sir," said Sir John, "I hope not; for I have buried three wives."

[NEGATIVES AND POSITIVES]

Mr. Pitt was discoursing at a Cabinet dinner on the energy and beauty of the Latin language. In support of the superiority which he affirmed it to have over the English, he asserted that two negatives made a thing more positive than one affirmative possibly could. "Then," said Thurlow, "your father and mother must have been two complete negatives to make such a positive fellow as you are!"

[JAW-ACHE]

"Why, you have never opened your mouth this session," said Sir Thomas Lethbridge to Mr. Gye; replied Mr. Gye, "Your speeches have made me open it very frequently. My jaws have ached with yawning."

[HER PROGRAMME]

Jane had asked for an evening off to go to her first dance. Returning at a very early hour, she was asked by her master whether she had enjoyed herself. "No, indeed, sir," she replied, "I was most insulted." "How was that, Jane?" "I 'adn't been there very long, sir, when a young man comes up and hactually hasks whether my programme was full. And I'd only 'ad two sandwiches."

[THE PROUD FATHER]

"Shure an' it's married Oi am!" said Pat to an old friend he had not seen for a long time. "You don't mane it?" "Faith, an' it's true. An' Oi've got a fine healthy bhoy, an' the neighbours say he's the very picture of me." "Och, niver moind what they say," said Mick. "What's the harm so long as the child is healthy."

[A MIRACLE]

An Irish parson of the old school, in whom a perception of the ridiculous was developed with a Rabelaisian breadth of appreciation, was asked by a clodhopper to explain the meaning of a miracle. "Walk on a few paces before me," said his reverence, which having done the peasant was surprised to feel in the rear a kick, administered with decided energy. "What did you do that for?" demanded the young man angrily. "Simply to illustrate my meaning," replied the cleric blandly; "if you had not felt it, it would have been a miracle."

[KEEPING TIME]

A gentleman at a musical party asked a friend, in a whisper, how he should stir the fire without interrupting the music. "Between the bars," replied the friend.

[QUESTION AND ANSWER]

A Quaker was examined before the Board of Excise, respecting certain duties; the commissioners thinking themselves disrespectfully treated by his theeing and thouing, one of them with a stern countenance asked him--"Pray, sir, do you know what we sit here for?"--"Yea," replied Nathan, "I do; some of thee for a thousand, and others for seventeen hundred and fifty pounds a year."

[MOTHER'S JAM POTS]

"Willy, why were you not at school yesterday?" asked the teacher.

"Please, mum," answered the absentee, "Muvver made marmalade yesterday and she sent me to the cemetery."

"What on earth for?"

"To collect some jam pots, mum."

[WISDOM]

A country clergyman, meeting a neighbour, who never came to church, although an old fellow above sixty, reproved him on that account, and asked if he ever read at home? "No," replied the man, "I can't read." "I dare say," said the clergyman, "you don't know who made you." "Not I, in troth," said the countryman. A little boy coming by at the time, "Who made you, child?" said the parson. "God, sir," answered the boy. "Why, look you there," quoth the honest parson. "Are you not ashamed to hear a child of five or six years old tell me who made him, when you, that are so old a man, cannot?" "Ah!" said the countryman. "It is no wonder that he should remember; he was made but t'other day, it is a great while, master, sin' I was made."

[WHY NOT?]

Jimmy giggled when the teacher read the story of the man who swam across the Tiber three times before breakfast.

"You do not doubt that a trained swimmer could do that, do you?"

"No, sir," answered Jimmy, "but I wonder why he did not make it four and get back to the side where his clothes were."

[THE OLD FARMER]

An old farmer lay so dangerously ill that the doctor gave no hope of recovery.

Whilst lying in an apparently semi-conscious state, he suddenly opened his eyes, and said to his wife, who was watching by his bedside: "Mary, that's a nice smell, it's just like a ham cooking. I almost think I could eat a little, if it is cooked."

The reply was, "Thee get on with the dying, that ham is for the funeral."

[ANY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER]

In the course of the play one of the characters had to say to a very plain actor, "My lord, you change countenance"; whereupon a young fellow in the pit cried, "For heaven's sake, let him!"

[TACT]

Little Jimmy had been sent early to bed, but he could not sleep. Presently he called out to his mother in plaintive tones, "Mummy, bring me a glass of water, I'm so thirsty." No reply being vouchsafed him, he repeated his request after a short interval. And this time received an abrupt answer, "If you don't be quiet I'll come up to slap you." Suddenly a thought struck him and still in plaintive voice he cried, "Mummy, when you come to slap me, bring me a glass of water."

[THE RETORT RUDE]

A young dude (with a monocle) and very irregular features while travelling by train was at first much amused by the grimaces of a boy who was sitting facing him. The boy, however, was obviously laughing at him so the dude asked him if he could share the joke.

"Joke!" said the boy, "it's your face I'm laughing at."

"Well, I can't help my face, can I?"

"No," replied the boy, leaving the train, "but you could stay at home."

[THE QUAKER AND HIS HORSE]

A man once went to purchase a horse of a Quaker. "Will he draw well?" asked the buyer. "Thee wilt be pleased to see him draw." The bargain was concluded, and the farmer tried the horse, but he would not stir a step. He returned and said, "That horse will not draw an inch." "I did not tell thee that it would draw, friend, I only remarked that it would please thee to see him draw, so it would me, but he would never gratify me in that respect."

[CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP]

A country schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial, and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard the bell, boys; why did you not come?" "Please, sir," said the favourite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the school-bell was the steamboat-bell." "Very well," said the master, glad of any pretext to excuse his favourite. "And now, sir," turning to the other, "what have you to say?" "Please, sir," said the puzzled boy, "I--I--was waiting to see Tom off!"

[THE BEST JUDGE]

A lady said to her husband, in a friend's presence:

"My dear, you certainly want a pair of new trousers." "No, I think not," replied the husband.

"Well," interposed the friend, "I think the lady who always wears them, ought to know."

[A THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE]

"Young man," said an inquisitive old lady, to a tram conductor, "if I put my foot on that rail shall I receive an electric shock?"

"No, mum," he replied, "unless you place your other foot on the overhead wire."

[A SHIPWRECK]

An Irish fisherman passed himself off to the captain of a ship near the coast of Ireland as a qualified pilot. He knew nothing of the coast. "This is a very dangerous shore here," said the captain to him, when he was on board. "Yes, it is, your honour," replied the fellow. "There are a great many dangerous rocks about here, I believe," observed the captain. "Yes, there are, and," a dreadful crash coming, "this is one of them," coolly returned the fisherman.

[A SAFE CASE]

A briefless barrister was spending his time at the Courts when his clerk came to him with the news that a man was at his chambers with a brief. The barrister immediately hurried from the Courts for fear the client should escape him. "Stop, sir, stop," cried his clerk. "You needn't hurry, sir, I've locked him in."

[THE WATCH MENDER]

A private in a company of engineers gained a certain reputation for mending his comrades' watches. His reputation reached his captain's ears, who one day said to him, "Jones, I hear you are clever at watch-mending, here take this one of mine and see what you can make of it." Some few days after, Jones took back the watch. "Well, Jones, how much do I owe you?" "Three shillings," was the reply. "Well, here you are, and thank you," said the captain. "Oh! I forgot," said Jones, "here are three wheels which I had over."

[THE CITY CHURCHES--AND OTHERS]

"Do people ever take advantage of the invitation to use this church for meditation and prayer?" a City verger was once asked. "Yes," he replied, "I catched two of 'em at it the other day!"

[HIGH PRINCIPLES]

A Methodist who kept a grocer's shop was heard one day to say to his assistant, "John, have you watered the rum?" "Yes." "Have you sanded the brown sugar?" "Yes." "Have you damped the tobacco?" "Yes." "Then come in to prayers."

[THE MIXTURE AS BEFORE]

A gentleman who had an Irish servant, having stopped at an inn for several days, desired to have the bill. Finding a large quantity of port placed to his servant's account he questioned him about it. "Please your honour," cried Pat, "do read how many they charge for." "One bottle port, one ditto, one ditto, one ditto." "Stop, stop, stop, master," exclaimed Paddy, "they are cheating you. I know I had some bottles of port, but I did not taste a drop of their ditto."

[CANNY SCOT]

Robbie met a neighbour smoking some fine tobacco sent by his son in America. He took out his own pipe ostentatiously. "Hae ye a match, Sandy?" he queried. The match was forthcoming, but nothing more. "I do believe," said Robbie, "I hae left ma tobacco at hame." "Then," said Sandy, after a silence, "ye micht gie me back ma match."

[A NICE DISTINCTION]

The Vicar (discussing the Daylight Saving Bill): "But why have you put the small clock on and not the big one?" Old Man: "Well, it's like this, sir; grandfeyther's clock 'ave been tellin' th' truth for ninety year, and I can't find it i' my heart to make a liar o' he now; but li'le clock, 'e be a German make, so it be all right for 'e."

[NOT TWO-FACED]

"Well, you're not two-faced anyway," said one man who had been quarrelling with another: "I'll say that for you."

"That's a very handsome acknowledgment," said the other, mollified.

"Because if you were," the first one continued, "you wouldn't be seen with that one."

[CLERICAL WIT]

An old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him--"The font is at the other end of the church." "What do I want with the font?" said the old gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought you had brought this child to be christened."

[A COSTLY EXPERIMENT]

An Irishman was once brought up before a magistrate, charged with marrying six wives. The magistrate asked him how he could be so hardened a villain? "Please, your worship," says Paddy, "I was just trying to get a good one."

[A GOOD REASON]

A certain minister going to visit one of his sick parishioners, asked him how he had rested during the night. "Oh, wondrous ill, sir," replied he, "my eyes have not come together these three nights." "What is the reason of that?" said the other. "Alas! sir," says he, "because my nose was between them."

[ECONOMY IN THE STABLE]

Jones, who was a student of economy, lamented the death of his horse. His friend sympathised and enquired the cause. "He was a wonderful horse, and if he had lived another day he would have proved a theory I have been pursuing." "How is that?" "Well, you see," replied Jones, "I reckon that it's all nonsense about having to spend so much on a horse's keep. I started this one with the ordinary feed, but gradually reduced the quantity." "And what did he have yesterday?" "Well, I'd got him down to one oat."

[THE PATRIARCH]

Three young fellows were strolling along a country lane, and saw approaching them a very patriarchal-looking old man. Thinking to take a rise out of him, they accosted him thus: "Hail, Father Abraham, Father Isaac, or Father Jacob." "Nay, my sons," the old man replied, "I am none of these, but rather Saul seeking his father's asses, and lo! here have I found them."

[HIGH AND LOW]

"I expect six clergymen to dine with me on Sunday next," said a gentleman to his butler. "Very good, sir," said the butler. "Are they High Church or Low Church, sir?" "What on earth can that signify to you?" asked the astonished master. "Everything, sir," was the reply. "If they are High Church, they'll drink; if they are Low Church, they'll eat!"

[BEER]

A gentleman, calling for small beer at another gentleman's table, finding it very hard, gave it to the servant again without drinking. "What!" said the master of the house, "don't you like the beer?" "It is not to be found fault with," answered the other, "for one should never speak ill of the dead."

[NOT IMPORTUNATE]

A lady having invited a gentleman to dinner on a particular day, he had accepted, with the reservation, "If I am spared." "Weel, weel," replied she, "if ye're dead, I'll no' expect ye."

[THE RELATIONSHIP OF HOG TO BACON]

A story of a Tudor judge is told of Sir Nicholas Bacon, who in the time of Elizabeth was importuned by a criminal to spare his life on account of kinship.

"How so?" demanded the judge.

"Because my name is Hog and yours is Bacon; and hog and bacon are so near akin that they cannot be separated."

"Ay," responded the judge dryly, "but you and I cannot yet be kindred--for the hog is not bacon until it be well hanged."

[UNION IS STRENGTH]

A country traveller was asked by the landlord of the inn at which he had put up how he had slept. "Well," he replied, "union is strength--a fact of which your inmates seem to be unaware; for had the fleas been unanimous last night they might have pushed me out of bed." "Fleas!" said the landlord, in astonishment, "I was not aware that I had a single one in the house." "I don't believe you have," retorted the traveller, "they are all married and have uncommonly large families."

[COURTSHIP]

"Martha, dost thou love me?" asked a Quaker youth of one at whose shrine his heart's holiest feelings had been offered up. "Why, Seth," she answered, "we are commanded to love one another, are we not?" "Ay, Martha, but dost thee regard me with the feeling the world calls love?" "I hardly know what to tell thee, Seth, I have greatly feared that my heart was an erring one. I have tried to bestow my love on all, but I have sometimes thought, perhaps, that thee was getting rather more than thy share."

[TO LET]

A gentleman, inspecting lodgings to be let, asked the pretty girl, who showed them, "And are you, my dear, to be let with the lodgings?" "No," answered she, "I am to be let alone."

[CUT AND COME AGAIN]

A gentleman who was on a tour, attended by an Irish servant-man, who drove the vehicle, was several times puzzled with the appearance of a charge in the man's daily account, entered as "Refreshment for the horse, 2d." At length he asked Dennis about it. "Och! sure," said he, "it's whipcord it is!"

[THE THOUGHTFUL PATIENT]

A Scotch minister was once sent for to visit a sick man. On arriving at the house he enquired:

"What church do you attend?"

"Barry kirk," replied the invalid.

"Why, then, did you not send for your own minister?"

"Na, na," replied the sick man, "we would not risk him. Do you no' ken it's a dangerous case of typhoid?"

[KISMET]

A lady who had named her house Kismet engaged an Irish servant. Bridget desiring to know the meaning of Kismet was told it signified "Fate." Shortly after, Bridget was painfully and laboriously descending the stairs. "What is the matter?" asked her mistress. "I've got fearful corns on my Kismet," was the reply.

[THE YOUNG IDEA]

A small boy, asked to name the four seasons, replied: "Pepper, salt, mustard, and vinegar." Another, asked for the principal gases, said: "Oxygen and Cambridgen."

[THE NEW BABY]

Jack was rather put out on the arrival of a new little brother. "But, Mummy, he has no hair." "No, Jack, he has no hair." "Mummy, he has no teeth." "Oh, no, Jack, no teeth now." "Oh, Mummy, dear, you've been had; they have given you an old 'un."

[HOOK AND AN INSPECTOR OF TAXES]

One of the best remembered of Hook's efforts in extemporising is that recorded of his improvising at a party when Mr. Winter was announced, a well-known inspector of taxes. Without a moment's break in his performance Hook went on:--

"Here comes Mr. Winter, inspector of taxes, I'd advise you to give him whatever he axes, I'd advise ye to give him without any flummery-- For though his name's Winter his actions are summary."

[THE SHE BEAR]

A thoughtful child said to her mother on the way to church: "Mummy, dear! Shall we have that hymn to-day about the she bear?" "I don't remember any hymn about a she bear, darling," replied the perplexed mother. "Whatever do you mean, child?" "I mean the hymn that goes, 'Can a mother's tender care, Cease towards the child she bear?'"

[KNOWLEDGE]

A girl of tender age was a witness at a trial.

"Do you know what an oath is, my child?" asked the judge.

"Yes, sir, I am obliged to tell the truth."

"And what will happen if you tell lies?"

"I shall go to the naughty place," replied the child.

"Are you sure of that?"

"Yes, sir, quite sure."

"Let her be sworn," said the judge; "it is clear she knows a great deal more than I do."

[A STORY FOR BOOKSELLERS]

Calling one day at Saunders and Otley's library, a subscriber was very angry because certain books that he had ordered had not been sent. He was so heated in his indignation that one of the partners could stand it no longer, and told him so.

"I don't know who you are," was the customer's retort, "and I don't want to annoy you personally, as you may not be the one in fault; it's your confounded house I blame. You may be Otley, or you may be Saunders; if you are Saunders, damn Otley! if you are Otley, damn Saunders! I mean nothing personal to you."

[THE EARLY BIRD]

A father chiding his son for not getting up early, told him as an inducement, that a certain man being up in good time, found a purse containing money. "That may be," replied the son, "but he that lost it was up before him."

[TABLE TALK]

An ingenious gentleman had been showing at a dinner-table how he could cut a pig out of orange peel. A guest who was present tried again and again to do the same, but after strewing the table with the peel of a dozen oranges exclaimed, "Hang the pig! I can't make him." "Why no," said the performer, "you have done more--instead of one pig you have made a litter."

[TROUBLES]

"I'm sorry to see you giving way to drink like this, Pat," said the village priest, "you that were always such a respectable boy, too." "Shure, an' Oi'm obleeged to do it, your 'anner," replied Pat. "Oi have to dhrink to droun me trubles." "H'm," said his interrogator, "and do you succeed in drowning them?" "No, begorra," cried Pat, "shure an' that's the warst uv it. The divvles can shwim!"

[A SOUTHERNER AND SCOTLAND]

A Southerner with no love for Scotland returned from his first trip to the North, and was asked by a Scot if he had not acquired a better opinion of Scotland. What did he now think of it? "That it is a very vile country to be sure," answered the traveller. "Well, sir!" retorted the nettled Scot, "God made it!" "Certainly he did!" came the instant acknowledgment; "but we must always remember that He made it for Scotsmen."

[DRY HUMOUR]

An Irish post-boy having driven a gentleman many miles during torrents of rain, was asked if he was not very wet? "Arrah! I wouldn't care about being very wet, if I wasn't so very dry, your honour."

[THE CHURCH ORGAN]

"Friend Maltby, I am pleased that thou hast got such a fine organ in thy church." "But," said the clergyman, "I thought you were strongly opposed to having an organ in a church?" "So I am," said Friend Obadiah, "but then if thou wilt worship the Lord by machinery, I would like thee to have a first-rate instrument."

[COMMON PRAYER]

A little boy had been brought up with much care. On his eighth birthday he was given a nicely bound Prayer Book by his aunt. After a brief examination he pushed the book on one side disappointedly. On being asked the reason he said, "I don't like anything 'Common.'"

[SHORT COMMONS]

At a shop-window in the Strand there appeared the following notice: "Wanted, two apprentices, who will be treated as one of the family."

[TRUTH]

"My lord," said a witness, "you may believe me or not, but I have stated not a word that is false, for I have been wedded to truth from infancy."

"Yes, sir," replied the Judge drily, "but the question is, how long have you been a widower."

[A WRONG CHOICE]

"I can't stand the missus, sir," said a servant in a complaining voice to her master.

"It's a pity, Mary," said the master sarcastically, "that I couldn't have selected a wife to suit you."

"Sure, sir," replied Mary, "we all make mistakes."

[FISH AS A BRAIN FOOD]

A visitor at a Devonshire fishing village asked the parson what was the principal diet of the villagers. "Fish mostly," said the Vicar. "But I thought fish was a brain food, and these are the most unintelligent folk I ever saw," remarked the tourist. "Well," replied the parson, "just think what they would look like if they didn't eat fish!"

[A CHARACTER]

A gentleman lately dismissed a clever but dishonest gardener. For the sake of his wife and family he gave him a character, and this is how he worded it: "I hereby certify that A. Brown has been my gardener for over two years, and that during that time he got more out of my garden than any man I ever employed."

[HUSBAND OR COW]

The wife of a small farmer in Perthshire went to a chemist with two prescriptions--one for her husband, and the other for her cow. Finding she had not money to pay for both, the chemist asked her which she would take. "Gie me that for the coo," said the wife; "if my man were to dee, I could sune get another; but I am not sae sure if I would sune get another coo."

[A NEW METHOD]

It was baking day and mother was very busy with other duties also. "May," she cried, "see if the cake is done. Put a knife in it and if it comes out clean you'll know that it is finished." "Yes," added father, "and if it comes out clean stick the others in too."

[GRATITUDE NOT APPRECIATED]

"You have saved my life," said the old man whom the young hero had just pulled out of the river. "As a reward you may marry my daughter there." The hero glanced at the daughter, then grasped the old man. "What are you doing?" asked the perplexed father. "Going to drop you in again," he replied.

[ON THE TREASURES OF THIS WORLD]

A merchant dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors' ears, "Farewell," said one, "there is so much of mine gone with him." "And he carried so much of mine," said another. One hearing them make their several complaints said, "Well, I see now, that though a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men's."

[COLD FEET]

"Do you suffer from cold feet?" the doctor asked the young wife.

"Yes," she replied.

He promised to send her some medicine to take.

"Oh," she said nervously. "They're--not--not mine."

[BUSYBODIES]

A master of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will, sir." "What are you doing?" "Nothing, sir." "Is Tom there?" "Yes," said Tom. "What are you doing?" "Helping Will, sir."

[ALDERMANIC TASTES]

Freddy: "Papa, may I study elocution?"

Proud Father: "Indeed you may, my boy, if you wish. You desire to become a great orator, do you?"

"Yes, that's it."

"And some day perhaps have your voice ringing in the vaulted chamber of the first legislative assembly in the world?"

"I shouldn't care for that. I want to be an after-dinner speaker."

"Ah, you are ambitious for social distinction, then?"

"No--I want the dinners."

["WARRANTED TO KILL"]

An itinerant "old-clo" woman on reaching a village in an irritated condition proceeded to the general shop with a request for a certain useful powder. The shopkeeper expressed his ability to supply her need either in packet form or loose. "Don't you worry about no packet, young man," she said. "Jest pour it down here," indicating her open collar.

[PROFESSIONAL]

An editor being asked at dinner if he would take some pudding, replied, in a fit of abstraction, "Owing to a crowd of other matter, we are unable to find room for it."

[THE NEW VERSION]

A class of boys were undergoing an examination in Scripture. The subject was the Good Samaritan. "And why do you consider the Pharisee, after looking at him, passed by on the other side?" "Because he saw he had been robbed already," was the answer given.

[DRAUGHTS]

A well-known judge was so afraid of draughts that the air of his courts was always of a very high temperature. One of his colleagues once explained this habit by saying that he was preparing the bar for a future state.

[TENDERNESS]

A beggar in Dublin had been a long time besieging an old gouty, testy, limping gentleman, who refused his mite with much irritability; on which the mendicant said, "Ah, plase your honour's honour, I wish your heart were as tender as your toes."

[HOW TO ADDRESS A BISHOP]

Little May was going to tea, and her mother was giving her some words of advice. "There will be a Bishop, dear; remember always to address him as My Lord when you speak."

During the afternoon the Bishop approached May, and, patting her on the head, said, "Well, little girl, how old are you?"

The Bishop's surprise was great when she replied, "My God, I'm eight."

[HOOK AND PUTNEY BRIDGE]

One of the best known of Hook's puns was uttered to a visitor to his house at Fulham. The visitor, looking at Putney Bridge, said that he had heard that it was a good investment, and turning to his host asked if that was really so. "I really don't know," was the answer, "but you have only to cross it and you will certainly be tolled."

[A GOOD EXAMPLE]

A Welsh parson, in his sermon, told his congregation how kind and respectful we ought to be towards each other, and added, that in this respect we were greatly inferior to animals. To prove this, he mentioned as an example the circumstance of two goats, which met one another upon a narrow plank across a river, so that they could not pass by without one thrusting the other off, "Now, how do you think they did? Why, I'll tell you. One lay down, and let the other leap over him. Ah, my beloved, let us live like goats."

[A MISFIT]

Assistant: "Do the shoes fit, madam?"

Madam: "Oh, yes, they fit me perfectly; but they hurt me terribly when I try to walk."

[A CHEERFUL INVITATION]

An odd instance of the force of technical training is afforded by a story of one of the official attendants at a funeral. Having been charged with a message from a relative of the departed to another guest, he came across the room, and translating it into his own language, said, "If you please, sir, the corpse's brother would be happy to take wine with you."

[THE INEVITABLE RESULT]

The fervent temperance orator stopped in the midst of his speech, and said, impressively: "I wish all the pubs were at the bottom of the sea." Voice in crowd, "Hear, hear!" "Ah, there speaks a noble teetotaller!" "Not at all, I'm a diver."

[JUSTICE]

An Irishman, who was to undergo trial for theft, was being comforted by his priest. "Keep up your heart, Dennis, my boy. Take my word for it, you'll get justice." "Troth, yer riverence," replied Dennis in an undertone, "and that's just what I am afraid of."

[THAT AWFUL CHILD]

"What does God have for His dinner, mother?" asked Willy.

"Sh-h. You must not ask such questions. God does not need any dinner."

"Then I suppose he has an egg for his tea."

[A COSMOPOLITAN]

Speaking of the different languages of Europe, a professor thus described them: "The French is the best language to speak to one's friend; the Italian to one's mistress; the English to the people; the Spanish to God, and the German to a horse."

[CLOTHES AND THE MAN]

Debt Collector: "Is your master at home?"

Servant (curtly): "No, he isn't."

Debt Collector (suspiciously): "But I can see his hat hanging up in the hall."

Servant: "Well, what's that got to do with it? One of my dresses is hanging on the line in the back garden, but I'm not there!"

[A WITTY REPLY]

One day a celebrated advocate was arguing before a very stupid and very rude Scotch judge who, to express his contempt of what he was saying, pointed with one forefinger to one of his ears, and with the other to the opposite one.

"You see this, Mr. ----?"

"I do, my lord," said the advocate.