The Project Gutenberg eBook, The Donkey, the Elephant, and the Goat, by Jack Preston

The Donkey, The Elephant
and The Goat
At A Public Meeting

By

J. P. BUSCHLEN

Price Twenty-five Cents

ANNOUNCEMENT

This playlet, by virtue of its simple rime, may perhaps claim a small share of that license granted to poets, in assuming that the Goat may at this early stage of the game be taken as an emblem of the Farmers' and Workers' political party, which is unfortunately not as yet quite a fact, nationally. The right to present this discussion as a play, for purposes of raising money, may be obtained only by writing to the author, in care of Box 1625, Great Falls, Montana. The right to present it free of charge, by way of assisting the farm and labor movement, is hereby granted everyone who is in possession of a copy of the printed booklet.

THE AUTHOR.

Great Falls, Montana, August, 1920.

(Price Twenty-Five Cents.)

Copyright, 1920, By J. P. BUSCHLEN

For Sale at Box 1625, Great Falls, Mont.

The Donkey, the Elephant

and the Goat

At A Public Meeting

By

J. P. Buschlen

ELEPHANT

You see me here, an elephant,

A symbol of the mighty--

DONKEY

The while you listen to his cant

Remember he is flighty....

I come to you, a donkey wise,

With pedigree unlowly--

ELEPHANT

Beware this fellow's sleepy eyes

And manner smooth and holy....

As Barnum used to say to me

When oft we strolled together,

"The people seem to like to be

Led round upon a tether."

And so, I see, I've got to speak

With these unwholesome creatures,

Since you, dear folks, have been so weak

As to invite such preachers.

DONKEY

If I may but inject a word,

I think it most plebe'an

To class me with a goat. Absurd!

GOAT

A mule is always mean.

ELEPHANT

When P. T. bade me fond adieu,

Good people, I departed

To where I could be serving you

More whole-and-single hearted;

I packed my grip and trumpeted

The news of my arrival,

That you might follow where I led

And join a great revival.

DONKEY

His boastful manner ill becomes

A thing of such proportions.

ELEPHANT

I made this land a world of homes--

GOAT

And laws with strange contortions.

DONKEY

I do not wish to interpose,

But, sir, you are addressing

A body whom we may suppose

Would call your death a blessing.

If you could boast a lineage

Like mine, you might be pardoned

For occupying all the stage

And holding views so hardened.

GOAT

I'm glad I'm but a simple goat

With humble beard and frocking;

My people were of little note--

ELEPHANT

I think, sir, I was talking.

And I would have it understood

That I will put my prestige

Against a Southern neighborhood,

Or aught of Southern vestige.

Besides, if Noah didn't lie,

The morning he went arking,

My wife and family and I

Were also there, embarking.

I'd grudge the honor to a goat,

But this presumptive donkey,

Although he gets the southern vote,

Descended from a monkey.

GOAT

In view of what I've done to you

I forego the distinction

Of being dragged the ages through

From ape to near-extinction.

ELEPHANT

If I would seem, as Mule implies,

Inclined myself to flatter,

Is not some credit due to size

And to a good standpatter?

Has not the jungle that I rule

Been growing more efficient?

Go ask most any knave or fool

And get you proof sufficient!

DONKEY

You seem the fact to quite ignore,

You tusky, trunky sinner,

That I have been in power; what's more

Will be again the winner.

GOAT

Come now, we'll get nowhere with this--

Why not attack the issue,

And tell the people how it is

We're made of diff'rent tissue?

DONKEY

We are indeed, and that's a fact

For which I'm truly grateful;

ELEPHANT

And so I am, to be exact.

(Aside to D.) This goat is very hateful.

DONKEY

Your challenge, Goat, do I accept.

I represent a party

Which never through the years has slept

And still is hale and hearty.

GOAT

How could it sleep when both its eyes

Were flirting with the bosses?

May not you later realize

Your gains were often losses?...

ELEPHANT

If I may say a word or two

About this great Republic:

The party I have given you

Has made it's actions public;

No secret has it e'er denied

The masses it protected.

GOAT

So ably has the rascal lied,

The ass is quite dejected.

ELEPHANT

The best of old New England blood

Within its veins is flowing;

Its sons have fought for every good--

GOAT

Old grafter in the "showing."

ELEPHANT

When donkeys in the cotton states

Were riding on the niggers

We cancelled all their riding dates--

GOAT

And made them all blind-piggers.

ELEPHANT

We built a mighty commonwealth

Against great opposition,

Improving faith and moral health--

DONKEY

And fostering sedition!

I think it's time for me to speak,

In patriotic phrases:

To sit in silence here were weak,

The while himself he praises.

The party that I represent

And have the voice and manner

To here so faithfully present,

Has carried high its banner.

From fine old Southern gentle stock

Its stalwarts have arisen--

GOAT

To better populate the dock,

The army and the prison.

DONKEY

We would have won the Civil War--

GOAT

Had Palmer then existed--

DONKEY

But several southerners were for

The armies that resisted.

For office we have never run

A man who lacked in breeding,

As these Republicans have done,

Their low traditions heeding.

And did not we, the Democrats,

Win out against the German,

When all the world was dogs and cats--?

GOAT

And soldiers fought the vermin?

ELEPHANT

Good donkey, we have had enough

Of your election wheezing;

Besides, that ancient family-stuff

Has got the goat, here, sneezing--

And when a thing's too strong for one

So strong for Townley jingo,

I think it time that you had done

With your disgusting lingo.

GOAT

Again I beg to urge you two

That you confine your phrases

To what you've done and aim to do

To earn the people's praises.

ELEPHANT

I've done as much as one could wish

Since Wilson ruled the nation--

DONKEY

He shows the judgment of a fish

In his absurd inflation.

ELEPHANT

All eyes are fixed on me, I say,

Nor will I disappoint them;

With thanks will I their faith repay--

GOAT

And oily words anoint them.

ELEPHANT

I'll bring back Lincoln from the grave,

Converting all the Palmers;

The world for business will I save--

GOAT

And jail the blasted farmers.

DONKEY

When I again am called to reign,

As I will be this autumn,

I'll show you men of brawn and brain--

GOAT

Obeying them who bought 'em.

DONKEY

I'll rule with e'en a firmer hand

Than you have seen me doing,

And make the alien understand--

GOAT

His blood requires blueing....

Now look here, boys, the audience

Is patiently awaiting

A dozen facts, a little sense--

You've done enough bull-baiting.

Give them the thing you're standing for--

They're standing for aplenty!--

DONKEY

I'd like to now discuss the war--

ELEPHANT

He rambles on like Henty!

DONKEY

We showed the flag to every land,

We swept the boundless ocean,

And yet we never showed our hand,

Nor truckled to emotion.

We made the foreigner behave,

The mighty and the small; and

We sent the Kaiser to his grave--

GOAT

I thought he was in Holland?

DONKEY

We made the pacifists obey

Our able war-directors,

And handled things without delay--

GOAT

Especially war-objectors.

ELEPHANT

We grant you this to brag about,

But when our party's saddled

We'll give you ample room for doubt--

GOAT

On issues ably straddled.

ELEPHANT

I think you'll then admit that while

You did what you were able,

You lacked our more successful wile

In keeping business stable.

GOAT

Your windy generalities

Have left the country gasping--

DONKEY

He's started in again to wheeze!

ELEPHANT

His voice is very rasping!

GOAT

You've camouflaged the issue, boys,

As people are perceiving,

With waving flags and vocal noise--

ELEPHANT

(To D.) His whiskers are deceiving!

GOAT

The cry is for a loaf of bread--

You offer but a promise;

The methods you employ are dead--

DONKEY

(To E.) He'd take our living from us!

GOAT

You're living in a day gone by,

Oblivious of the present,

While women weep and children die--

ELEPHANT

He's getting most unpleasant!

GOAT

The world is full of concrete needs,

And this land's no exception,

Of problems that will yield to deeds

But never to deception.

I've sat here list'ning to the views

That you have ventilated: