Josh Billings at home.—Preparing his new Lecture.

JOSH BILLINGS,
Hiz Sayings.

WITH COMIC ILLUSTRATIONS.

NEW YORK:
Carleton, Publisher, Madison Square.
LONDON: S. LOW, SON & CO.
M DCCC LXX.

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1865, by
G. W. CARLETON,
In the Clerk's Office of the District Court of the Southern District of
New York

TO
DEAKON URIAH BILLINGS,

(A man ov menny virtues, and sum vices) this book
iz completely dedikated—and may he hav
the strength tew stand it.

Hiz own nephew,

JOSHUA BILLINGS

Tred litely, dear reader, for the ^way iz ruff. This book waz got up tew sell, but if it don't prove tew be a sell, I shan't worry about it.

J. BILLINGS.

[CONTENTS.]

[JOSH BILLINGS.]

[I.]

JOSH BILLINGS ON THE MULE.

The mule is haf hoss, and haf Jackass, and then kums tu a full stop, natur diskovering her mistake. Tha weigh more, akordin tu their heft, than enny other kreetur, except a crowbar. Tha kant hear enny quicker, nor further than the hoss, yet their ears are big enuff for snow shoes. You kan trust them with enny one whose life aint worth enny more than the mules. The only wa tu keep them into a paster, is tu turn them into a medder jineing, and let them jump out. Tha are reddy for use, just as soon as they will du tu abuse. Tha haint got enny friends, and will live on huckel berry brush, with an ockasional chanse at Kanada thissels. Tha are a modern invenshun, i dont think the Bible deludes tu them at tall. Tha sel for more money than enny other domestik animile. Yu kant tell their age by looking into their mouth, enny more than you kould a Mexican cannons. Tha never hav no dissease that a good club wont heal. If tha ever die tha must kum rite tu life agin, for i never herd nobody sa "ded mule." Tha are like sum men, very korrupt at harte; ive known them tu be good mules for 6 months, just tu git a good chanse to kick sumbody. I never owned one, nor never mean to, unless there is a United Staits law passed, requiring it. The only reason why tha are pashunt, is bekause tha are ashamed ov themselfs. I have seen eddikated mules in a sirkus. Tha kould kick, and bite, tremenjis. I would not sa what I am forced tu sa again the mule, if his birth want an outrage, and man want tu blame for it. Enny man who is willing tu drive a mule, ought to be exempt by law from running for the legislatur. Tha are the strongest creeturs on earth, and heaviest, ackording tu their sise; I herd tell ov one who fell oph from the tow path, on the Eri kanawl, and sunk as soon as he touched bottom, but he kept rite on towing the boat tu the nex stashun, breathing thru his ears, which stuck out ov the water about 2 feet 6 inches; i did'nt see this did, but an auctioneer told me ov it, and i never knew an auctioneer tu lie unless it was absolutely convenient.

[II.]

JOSH BILLINGS INSURES HIS LIFE.

I kum to the conclusion, lately, that life waz so onsartin, that the only wa for me tu stand a fair chance with other folks, was to git my life insured, and so i kalled on the Agent of the "Garden Angel life insurance Co.," and answered the following questions, which waz put tu me over the top ov a pair of goold specks, by a slik little fat old feller, with a little round gray head, and az pretty a little belly on him az enny man ever owned:—

QUESTIONS.

1st—Are yu mail or femail? if so, Pleze state how long you have been so.

2d—Are yu subjec tu fits, and if so, do yu hav more than one at a time?

3d—What is yure precise fiteing weight?

4th—Did yu ever have enny ancestors, and if so, how much?

5th—What iz yure legal opinion ov the constitutionality ov the 10 commandments!

6th—Du yu ever hav enny nite mares?

7th—Are you married and single, or are yu a Bachelor?

8th—Do yu beleave in a futer state? if yu du, state it.

9th—What are yure private sentiments about a rush ov rats tu the head; can it be did successfully?

10th—Hav yu ever committed suiside, and if so, how did it seem to affect yu?

After answering the above questions, like a man in the confirmatif, the slik little fat old fellow with goold specks on, ced I was insured for life, and proberly would remain so for a term ov years. I thanked him, and smiled one ov my moste pensive smiles.

[III.]

REMARKS.

Tha tell me that them who hav the harte diseaze are liable tu di at enny time, but i hav known thousands tew reach a mean old age with it.

Fust appearances are ced tu be everything. I dont put all mi fathe into this saying; i think oysters and klams, for instanze, will bear looking into.

It strains a man's philosophee the wust kind tew laff when he gits beat.

Love aint one ov the vartues, bekauze it kant be controlled.

Wimmin are like flowers, a little dust ov squeezing makes them the more fragrant.

Charitee kant alwus be administered delikately. If you want to extrikate a crab from a dilemmer, yu hav got to take holt ov him just rite.

Men liv tu a ripe old age bi keeping green.

Dont hav enny more sekrets than yu kan keep yureself.

"Truth is mitey and will prevail;" so iz cider mitey, but yu hav got tew tap the barrell before it will prevale.

[IV.]

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

"Amelia."—Yure inquiry, about the moste best time tu marry, dus yu grate credit, it iz a subject which i hav swet over a good deal, and i am real glad you spoke about it, mi spase wont allow me tu go into the thing, clean up to the hub, az i wud like tu, but in a few wurds, i will sa, i hav alwus considered cool weather, the moste best time.

"Fred."—Yu aint obliged tu ask a gals mother, if yu ma go home with her from a partee, git the gals endorsement, and sale in; it iz proper enuff tu ask her tu take yure arm, but you haint got no rite tu put yure arm around her waste, unless yu meet a Bear on the rode, and then yu are bound tu take yure arm away, just az soon az the Bear gits safely by.

"Whip."—Yu are rite. Mules live tu a long age, iv'e known them miself, tu live 100 years, and not half tri. Yu are rite also, about their being sure footed, iv'e known them tu kick a man, twise in a sekund, 10 feet oph.

"Gertrude."—Yure inquiry stumps me, the darndest. The more i think on it, the more i kant tell. Az near az i kan rekolek now, i think i dont kno. Much mite be ced both ways, and neether wa be rite. Upon the whole i rather reckon i wud, or i wuddent, jist az i thought best, or otherwise.

"Plutark."—Yu'are mistaken, the Shakers dont marry. If young Shakers fall in luv tha are sot tu weeding onions, and that kures them forthwithly. I kant tell yu now, how much it dus kost tu jine the Shakers but i beleave the expenze used tu be, inkluding having yure hair cut and larning how tu danse, about $65,00. I disreckoleckt what their religun iz, but if mi memry sarves me rite, it iz making almitey good brooms, and sellin devilish poor grape cuttings, for 75 cents a foot.

"Sportsman."—Yure inquiry iz not edzackly in mi line, but i haste tu repli, as follers, to wit: The rite length tu cut oph a dog's tale haz never yet bin fully diskovered, but iz undoubtedly somewhare bak ov hiz ears, provided yu git the dog's consent. N. B.—It aint absolutely necessara the dog's consent should be in riteing.

"Kate."—I think Lord Biron waz the author ov the lines yu speke ov; 'twas either him or 'twas Captain Kid, one or tother. Biron waz dredful limber at riteing potri, so waz Kidd, but Biron waz the limberest.

[V.]

A TABLOWS IN 4 ACKS

Ack Fust.—Enter a lap dorg, carrying a boarding skool miss in his arms, about 16 hands high—it makes the dorg puff—the dorg lays down the boarding skool miss, and orders mint juleks for 2, with the usual suckshun. The dorg begins tew loll, the boarding skool miss tells him "tew dri up," (in French,) and the dorg sez "he be darned if he will," (in Dorg.) [Grate sensashun among the awjence, with cries, "put him out!">[ Finally a compromize iz affected, the boarding skool miss kisses the dorg, with tears in his eyes. Konlusion—Lap dorg diskovers a wicked flee at work on his tale—pursues him—round and round tha go—dorg a leettle ahead—sumbody hollers out, "mad dorg!"—boarding skool girl faints standing—the curtin drops.

Ack number 2.—Curtin highsts—sevral blind men in the distanse, looking thru a key whole—one ov them sez, "he don't see it!" A shanghi ruseter cums out, with epaulets on, and crows Yankee Doodle—musik bi the band. The shanghi lays an egg on the stage, about the size ov a wasps nest, and then limps oph, very much tired and redused. Curtin falls agin.

Ack number 3.—Curtin rizes sloly—big bolona sarsage on a tabel—bolona sarsage lifts up her hed, and begins tew bark—band plays "Old Dorg Tray." Cat cums in—cat's tail begins tew swell bad—bolona sarsage and cat haz a fite—tha fite 14 rounds—the stage iz covered with cats and dorgs. Konlusion—tha awl jine hands, and walk tew the foot lights—an old Bull Tarrier reads the President's call for "300, 000 more"—band plays "Go in Lemons!"—a bell rings, and the curtin drops.

Ack number 4.—A scene on the Eri kanall—a terribel storm rages—the kanall acks bad—sevral line botes go down hed fust, with awl their boarders on board—kant make a lee shore—tha drag their ankers—sum ov the kaptins tri tew pra, but moste ov them hav the best luck at swareing—the water iz strewd with pots and kittles—sevral ov the cook maids swim ashore, with their cook stoves in their teeth—tha hav tew draw oph the kanal tew stop the storm. Konlusion—men are seen along on the banks ov the kanall spearing ded hosses and eels—band plays "a life on the oshun wave." Amid tremduous applauze the curtin falls, and the awjence disperce, single file.

Josh Billings' advice. and Answers to Correspondents.—See pages [19], 20.

[VI.]

FEMALE EDDIKASHUN.

Thare iz so mutch ced about the importanze ov female eddikashun, now a daze, that a near-sighted person wud suppoze that wimmin was running tu waist. The more that wimmin ar elevated, the more men ar histed up too, so tha sa, and them who maik this statement, ain't fur from out ov the wa fur men hav bin clus after the wimmin, ever sinse humin beins waz perpetrated. Dear reader, dear, don't be maid a fool uv, by beleaving for the space ov a half-grown seckond, that Josh Billings, (more properly Joshua Billings, Esq.,) don't love, respeck, adore, and worship the sex, and ain't willing tu fite, even with the belly-ake onto him, two hundred pounds ov any kind ov man, in behalf ov enny vartuous, and worthy, or even good-looking woman.

I beleave in femail eddikashun, clear up tu the handle, provided the woman hankers for it, but if she don't hanker for it, i kant see why she shud be histed up into a posishun, where men has got to cease luving her, just in proposhun az tha are asked to wonder at her. Tha tell us that thare aint enny posishun that man kan fill, but what wimmin kan fill it tu; but iz that enny reson why it iz best to prove it. I haven't enny doubt, that you could eddicate wimmin so muchly, that tha wouldn't kno enny more about getting dinner, than sum ministers ov the gospil kno about preaching, and while tha mite translate one ov Virgils ecklogs tu a spot, tha couldn't translate a baby out ov a kradle, without letting it cum apart.

I hold that natur haz its laws and programmy, all the wa down, from the biling over ov a volkano tu the wiggle ov a lam's tale.—Suppose you shud take 100 yung injuns and eddikate them tu the highest pint, and then turn them luce! 95 ov them wud throw a blanket ontu their shoulders, bid fair-well tu civilizashun, and dive intu the wildnerness; the uther 5 wud wander about among the pail faces, az far from hum az a Bufferlo wud be among a herd ov short tailed durhams. I believe in femail eddikashun, but i had ruther a woman cud beet me nussing a baby than tu feel that she cud beet me or enny other man in a stump speech or a lektur on veteranara praktiss.

If Billings understands human natur, and he thinks he duz, thare aint nothing that a true woman luvs more than the hole ov a man's harte; and, in order tu git this, she haz got tu kno less than he duz, or maik him think so. I thank the lord that thare aint menny wimmin in the wurld who want tu know evry thing. I kalkerlate that 9 out ov evry 10 ov the wimmin who luv their huzbands and glory in their children, will sa that tha had ruther be looked down upon in luving tenderniss than tu be looked up tu in silent aw.

If Josh Billings haz ced a wurd, in what he haz now rit, wich iz kalkulated tu damp the arder ov one single aspirin' woman, he iz reddy tu shed tears, but i hav alwus thort that the very highly eddikated wimmin work best in single harniss. In konklusion, i sa, elevate the wimmin, but if their heds and their hartes bekum antagonicks in the operashun, i shall continner tu think that luv, swapped for wizdom, iz a doutful gain to the wimmin and a pozatif loss to us poor mail-claid devils. Mi christian friends, ajew!

[VII.]

DEPOZETIONS.

Josh Billings being duly sworn deposes as follows.

That, John Brown haz halted a fu days for refreshment.

That, moste men had ruther sa a smart thing than tew dew a good one.

That, baksliding iz a big thing, espeshila on ice.

That, a live traitor smells wuss than a ded one.

That, there iz 2 things in this life for which we are never fully prepared, and that iz twins.

That, yu kant judge a man bi hiz religgun eny more than yu kan judge hiz shurt bi the size ov the collar and ristbands.

That, the devil iz alwus prepared tew see kompany.

That, it iz treating a man like a dog tew cut him oph short in hiz narrative.

That, "ignoranse iz bliss," ignoranse of sawing wood, for instanse.

That, menny will fale tew be saved simpla bekause tha haint got ennything tew saive.

That, the vartues ov woman are awl her own, but her frailities hav bin taught her.

That, dry pastors are the best for flocks; flocks ov sheep i mean.

That, men ov genius are like eagles, tha live on what tha kill, while men ov talents are like crows, tha live on what haz bin killed for them.

That, some peoples are fond ov bragging about their ansesstors, and their grate descent, when in fack, their grate descent iz jist what's the matter ov them.

That, a woman kant keep a sekret nor let ennybody else keep one.

That, "a little larning iz a dangerous thing"; this iz az tru az it iz common.

That, sider brandee taken inwardly in large quantitys iz good—for a rat hole.

That, a grate menny folks have bin eddikated oph from their feet.

[VIII.]

WAR AND ARMY PHRAZES.

"A suckcessful Rade,"—cutting oph a turnpike within the enama's lines, and bringing in a blind mule, and 2 niggers tu board.

"Reserv'd Korps,"—this i take it means our ophisers; who die at the tavern stands, and are stuffed, and cent home tu berry.

"Bace of supplize,"—Unkle Samuel's pocket-Book.

"Pickitts,"—these are surplus chaps, who ar cent out tu borry turbacker, and to see if the kussed rebels hav got enny pass.

"An Armstise,"—giving the enema tu chances tu git licked instead ov one.

"Militara Stratergee,"—trying to reduse a swamp by ketching the bilyus fever out ov it.

"Lite Hoss Calvary,"—picked men who ride the hosses tu drink, when tha git thin.

"Rekrutin Ophisers,"—individuals who are cent into the rural destriks, on a furlong, to rekrute—themselfs.

"Armee Rashuns,"—back pay, and preserved beef!

"Quartring on the enemee,"—this phraze is defunkted, bekaze its contraree tu Hoyle.

"War Hoops,"—jist the things fur a hot da, the injuns used tu hav them.

"Corte Marshall,"—where tha tri the misdemeners out ov an ophiser, so that he'll du to promoat.

"Forage Partee,"—Them who goes out to kech a hastack, and gits lost in a forage ov treeze and haint been herd from sinse.

"On tu Richmond,"—that's tu sa if the kussed rebels will allow it.

"Parralel lines,"—are them kind of lines that never cum together.

"Militara necessita,"—ten ophisers and a gallon ov whiski to every three privates.

"Onluce the dogs ov war;"—but muzzle the darn kritters; if you don't, somebody will get hurt.

"War of Exterminashun,"—this fraze belongs holey tu the Kommissara Department.

"Advance Gard,"—this is a gard tha hav tu hav in our army tu keep our fellers from pichin in tu the enema frontwards.

"Rere Gard,"—this is a gard that hav tu keep our fellers, when tha are surrounded from pitching intu the enema backwards.

"Awl quiet on the Potermuck,"—this shows what perfect subjekshun our fellers are under.

[IX]

PASHUNCE OV JOB.

Evryboddy iz in the habit ov bragging on Job, and Job did hav konsiderable bile pashunce, that's a fac, but did he ever keep a distrik skule for 8 dollars a month, and borde 'round? Did he ever reap lodged oats down hill in a hot da, and hav all hiz gallus buttons bust oph at once? Did he ever hav the jumpin teethake, and be made tu tend baby while hiz wife was over tu Perkinses tu a teasquall? Did he ever git up in the morning awful dri and turf it 3 miles befoar brekfast tu git a drink, and find that the man kep a tempranse hous? Did he ever undertaik tu milk a kicking hefer with a bushy tail, in fli time, out in the lot? Did he ever sot down onto a litter ov kittens in the old rockin cheer, with hiz summer pantyloons on without saing "damnashun!" If he cud du all theze things, and praze the Lord at the same time, all i hav got tu sa, iz, Bully for Job!

[X.]

FRIENDLY LETTER.

Friend Elias:—You ask me menny questions about the draft that bothers me. It iz curis how it duz act, but it waz jist so in scripter times, "2 wimmin waz at a mill a grinding (corn i reckon), one waz took, and t'other want took." There aint enny dout but the draft iz for 3 years, or thereabouts, but i think a person would hav a rite to sell out hiz chanse at enny time during the 3 years, or thereabouts, for a premium, provided he could show tu the government that he waz conscientzly oppozed tu hard tak and bilyus fever.

Again: Aleyens aint liable for the draft, espeshila if tha cum from the city ov Ireland, and hav bin in the habit, for the laste 5 years, ov voting the democratic ticket.

Againly: Widder-wimmin, and their only son iz exempt, provided the widder's husband haz alreddy sarved 2 years in the war, and iz willing tu go agin, i beleave the supreme corte haz desided this thing forever.

Onse more: If a drafted man shud run awa with hiz draft, he proberly wouldn't ever be allowed to stand a draft agin, this looks severe at fust site, but the more yu look at it, the more yu can see the wisdom into it.

Onse morely: Xempts are thoze who hav bin drafted into the stait prizzen, for triing tu git an honest living bi supporting 2 wives at onst; also, all them people who are crazee, and unsound on the goose; also, all nusepaper korrespondents and fools in general.

Onse morely again: No substidude will be acksepted, who iz less than 3, or more than 10 feet high, he must know how to chaw terbacker and drink whiskee, and must'nt be afeered ov the itch nor the rebels. Moral Karakter aint required, the government furnishes that, and rashuns.

Conclusively: No person kan be drafted but twice in 2 different plases without hiz consent, but awl men haz a rite tu be drafted at least onst; i don't think even a rit ov habus corpus could deprive a man ov this laste, blessed privlege.

[XI.]

AFFURISMS.

Truth iz the onla thing I kno ov that kant be improved upon.

If yu want tew git a sure krop, and a big yield for the seed, sow wilde oats.

An insult tew one man iz an insult tew aul men.

Cunning is curiosity satisfied, and curiosity satisfied iz wisdom.

Wize men don't expeck tu do away with the visisitudes ov life, they onla expeck tew blunt the edge ov them.

Yu kan gorge avaris, but ambishun knows no gorge but the grave.

A sarkastic wit iz a kind ov human pole-cat.

If thare is enny thing on this arth that angels kant imitate 'tis a vartuous yung man trampling temtashun under hiz feet.

I had rather be a reseiver ov stolen goods than the keeper ov men's sekrets.

Fame iz jist about az mutch use tew a ded man as 5.20's wud be, interest payable in goold.

Sum people hav the power ov saing a good deal in a fu words, while others hav the power ov saing a little in a good menny wurds.

Slander iz played on a tin horn, while truth steals forth like the dieing song ov a lute.

Yu kan judge ov sum men's karakters onla bi what they eat and drink.

"Truth iz stranger than ficshun"—that iz tew sum folks.

I hav found a grate menny things in this wurld that waz free—free az a well tew git into, but like a rat trap, not edzackly free tu git out ov.

"Meet me bi moonlite alone," iz awl well enuff under sum circumstances; but moonlite me for meat alone, iz not so well ennuff, under enny circumstances.

I don't kno ov but one thing on arth that kan improve a good wife, and that iz buty.

After you hav made up yure mind jist what you are going to du, then iz a good time tew dew it.

We often hear ov men, who hav cum within an inch ov dieing, and i haint enny dout thare iz sum, that evry boddy wuld lik tew hear had cum within an inch ov bein born.

"The lapse ov ages," iz a pleasant thing tew dwell upon, but after awl, verry mutch depends upon the ages ov the laps.

It iz not differkult tew find augers that wont bore, but yu seldom cum across a bore that wont auger.

"Faith that iz founded on an arnest and truthful convickshun, iz butiful tu behold; but faith that iz founded simpla on courage, aint enny thing more than good grit."

Josh Billings on Cats.—See page [40].

[XII.]

JOSH BILLINGS ON CATS.

I hav studdyed cats clussly for years, and hav found them adikted tew a wild state. Tha haint got affekshun, nor vartues ov enny kind, tha will skratch their best friends, and wont ketch mice unless tha are hungry. It haz bin sed that tha are good tu make up into sassages; but this iz a grate mistake, i hav bin told bi a sassage maker that tha dont kompare with dogs. Thare is one thing sartin, tha are verry anxious tew liv, yu ma turn one inside out, and hang him up bi the tale, and az soon az yu are out ov sight, he will manage tew turn back summerset and cum around awl rite in a fu days. It iz verry hard wurk tew looze a cat. If one gits carried oph in a bag bi mistake a grate ways into the kuntry, tha wont sta lost onla a short time, but soon appear tew make the family happy with their presence. Old maids are very fond ov cats, for the reason i suppose that cats never marry if tha hav ever so good a chanse. Thare iz one thing about cats i dont like, if yu step on their tales by acksident tha git mad rite oph, and make a grate fuss about it. Thare iz anuther thing about them which makes them a good investment for poor folks. A pair ov cats will yield each year, without any outlay, something like eight hundred per cat. It iz a verry singular fack that cats dont like a mill-pond, i never knu one tew git drowned bi acksident. Tha luv cream, but it seems tew be agin their religgun tew tutch soap. Cats and dogs have never bin able tew agree on the main question, tha both seem tew want the affirmatiff side to onst. I think if i could hav mi way thare wouldn't be enny more cats born unless tha could sho a certifikate ov good moral karakter. Thare is one more thing about cats which seems tew me tew be awl affektashun, and that iz making sich a devlish noise under a fellers window nights, and then kall it musik. If i waz tew hav mi choise between a cat and a striped snake, i would take the snake bekause I could git rid ov the snake bi letting him go. Thare aint no sartin wa tew kill a cat, if yu git one wurked up into sassage, and yu think yu are awl right, jist az likely az not tha will cum to and take off a whole lot of good sassage with them.—Theze are mi views about cats, rather hastily hove together, and if i haint said enuff agin them it iz onla bekause i lack the informashun.

[XIII.]

REMARKS.

Impudense iz the affek ov tew little knollege, and modesta, iz az often the affek ov tew mutch.

We dont question a persons rite tew be a fule, but if he klaims wisdom, we kompare it with our own.

Not one man in a thousand iz known while living, yet awl expeck tew be well remembered, when tha are ded.

Men are very often ashamed tu tell the truth, bekause tha dont kno how.

Moste ov the advise we reseave from others, iz not so mutch an evidense ov their affeckshun for us, az it iz an evidense ov their affeckshun for themselves.

Aul ov us komplain ov the shortness ov life, yet we all waste more time than we uze.

Aboutaz good a wa az enny tew be happee, iz tew pity thoze who are below us, and forgit that there iz enny boddy above us.

Wit iz a pleasant surprize ov Truth.

No man haz a rite tu be proud till he bekums entirely vartuous, and then he wont feel like being proud.

The power ov oratory lays more in the manner, than in the matter; yu kant reduse it tew riting, enny more than yu kan pla a streak ov lightning on a hand organ.

Sum folks when tha fite, will throw the fust brik bat tha kan git hold ov, jist so sum folks will du when tha argy.

Epitaff—here lies John Ferguson, Esq., died wurth half a million—less the kingdom ov heaven.

Avaris eats up all the good things in a man, and then feeds on his vices.

[XIV.]

JOSH BILLINGS ADDRESSES THE "FEMAIL BILLINGSVILLE SOWING SOSIETY."

Feller Sisters:—When I caste mi eye on a sirkle of luvely wimmin bizzy with their needles, mi harte seems tew stretch clean akross mi buzzum. And when i reflek for a minnit, that tha are tew work for nothing, and find themselfs, and that a yung heathin stans reddy yelping around the corner, for the very shirt tha are wurking on, it duz seem tu me, that i cud shout hozzanner for 3 weeks on a strech. Feller Sisters, yu kan kount on Josh Billings az a frend; he luves charitee, az a pup hankers for nu milk; his verry natur looks out onto the horizen ov the poor folks, jist as the lite ov a tin lantern shines akross a bog meddow. And he sees the little bare bak yung ones shivering for a krust ov bread, and hungry for a shirt; then he looks at the Sisters, a talking and sowing, and sowing and talking, and he kounts a hole parcil ov little shirts on the tabil, and then he thinks ov the widders cruise, and the bred hove onto the waters, menshioned in the good Book, and he feels jist az tho he wud like tew own awl the femail sowing sosieties in the wurld hisself, and put hiz hole fortin in the little reddy made cottin shirt bizziness. Oh Charitee! Oh Charitee! When Josh Billings communes with you, he feals az tho he had jist been tried out, and sot awa tew cool. Feller Sisters don't be skeered, let the ritch and the hawty stik up their nozes, and let the eddicated larf. Josh wud like no better fun than jiss to bet his 9 dollars, that enny Sister, in full communion with this ere sowing sosiety, who puts in full time, and cuts the cotting tew advantage, wil git her final reward. Tew konklude, Feller Sisters, pitch in; remember Mr. Lots wife, she that was salted for looken bak. Cum together arly, and oftin, buy yure cottin by the pease; be keerful how yu deal out youre shirts, for thare iz evry now and then a bogus heathin. Stan bi yure konstitushion, and bi laws, dew awl this, and the "Femail Billingsville Sowing Sosiety" will go down tew futer prosterita, like a wide-awake torchlite possession. I bid yu tenderla ajew.

[XV.]

NOSHUNS.

Yankee Noshuns.

In gazeing at the different kind ov noshuns that prevale jist now, we are struck with the vitality, and permiskuousness, ov the Yankee noshuns. These are a kind ov noshuns that reside in Nu England, but travel awl over the world. They are for the present known az the lead gimblet, the basswood sperm-kandle, and the sole leather juise harp noshun, relieved at times, by the hickory lossenge, the charkole led pensil, and the lard bears ile noshun, and okasionally interlined, tew keep up the appetite, with paper razor straps, plaster-paris sheep shears, and the sour milk opedeldock noshun, which iz warranted tew kure the attack ov a 50 cent shinplaster, in 4 seckunds; to which has lately bin added pewter jak knives, with pork rhine handles, and itch intement, made out ov strong butter, and lamblak. Yankee noshuns are the affek ov tew mutch genius.

Hoss Noshuns.

It iz really curis how folks differ in their noshuns about hosses, sum wants a bob-tailed hoss, and sum dont, sum wants a bay, and sum wants a yaller, and sum wants any culler so bad that they hav tew be sent tew state prizon, tew be healed ov their pashion for the nobel animal, the hoss. I knu ov one old feller who waz very noshunal, he wouldn't hav a hoss only jist so high, he never stabled him, and let him git hiz own fodder, he kept him for 47 years, and the hoss outlived him, the last time I saw the hoss he waz alive, but poor az wood; the old feller called the hoss "saw-buck," and sed he waz sired bi carpenter, out ov a white ash skantling. Hoss noshuns are well enuff, but they never ought tew be allowed tew interfere with a man's final salvashun.

Rum Noshuns.

Josh Billings on trotting horses.—See page [63].

Perhaps thare iz no subjek that moste men agree on so well bi the gallon, but when it comes down tew a drink, that they are so full ov noshuns about, az their rum. I hav seen lots ov old-fashioned people, who never thought ov drinking tanzy, unless they put rum into it, and wouldn't no more drink a gin-coktale without nutmeg on the top ov it, than they would skim milk. Then agin their iz sum who must hav Jamaka, or the bronkeetis, one, or tuther; and sum who must hav the belly-ake 3 or 4 times a day, or they kant relish brandee and sugar. But thare waz one beardless boy, over whose hed skase 14 summers had melted, who beats them awl, he aktually hove a fust class mint julek away, and called for anuther, jist bekause it wouldn't suk fast enuff, through the straw; I call this letting a man's good sense git the better ov his judgment. Rum noshuns are like gitting struk with litening, the theory iz well enuff, but the praktis is a bad one tew git into.

Religious Creed Noshuns.

The idee that thare iz onla one way tew git tew Heaven iz awl rong, but the idee that there iz but one Heaven tew git tew, iz awl right. Az a gineral thing nations go tew war for the most ornary things, so men will fite the wust kind, for a religious noshun, that they hain't got the fust smell of. I dont care, for mi part, whether a man iz a piscopaleyen, or a soft shell baptiss, nor I don't think the Lord duz nuther. Religious creed noshuns for man, are like the scent the foxes leave for the hounds, the less thare iz ov it, the more kerful the dorg hunts, and the less likely he iz tew take enny uther trak.

[XVI.]

SAYINS.

If yu hav got a real good wife, kepe perfectly still, and thank God evry twenty minnitts for it.

A man with one idee alwus put me in mind ov an old goose a tryin to hatch out a paving stun.

"Honesta is the best polisy," but dont take mi wurd for it, tri it.

Menny a book has bin writ, which proved tu be an obituara notis ov the author.

Tha tells us "that munny is the rute ov all evil;" and then tell us "tu rute hog or di."

A man running for offiss puts me in minde ov a dog that's lost—he smells ov everybody he meets, and wags hisself all over.

Look out, galls! the Jack of hartes is alwus a nave.

Gravity is very often mistakin for wisdum, but thare is as much differ as thare is between a gide board and the man who maid it.

Evra man has a goose that lays golden eggs, if he only nu it.

[XVII.]

ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.

"Lines tu a sleeping infant, bi Alice," receaved. Tha are tender, dredful tender, almost tu tender, tu keep thru this hot spel; yu hav talons ov the highest order, but yu must kross yure t's, or yu kant suckeed in portri; good bi Alice!

"Reverie ov a Bachelor," Anonimous.—Received, and kontents noted. Thare iz only one trubble with this produckshun, which time will correckt, and that iz, "it wont du at all for our collums," respekfully declined, (on the part ov the edditurs, by J. B.) on account ov its length and thickness.

"The Sea, the roarin Sea."—A sublime standzas, wurth at least 7 dollars, intended, undoubtedly, for The Atlantic Monthly, and cent tu us bi mistake, we wud like tu accept it, but dassent, fur fere folks mite sa we stole it.

"Will yu Kiss me Dearest," Bi Mary Ann.—Acksepted. We take all them kind ov chanses. The potri ain't fust rate, but we expect the kissin kan't be beat, till then, fair Maid ajew!

"A gealogikal synopsorum ov the heavenly spears," Bi Paul Vernon—Will appere in our nex issu. This writer haz attaked a subjeck ov grate differkilty, with the biggest kind ov energee, and haz suckceeded; his thesis is admirable, hiz argyment iz clus, and his stile is camphene. We sa "Mount Vernon! on eagil wings, beyond the klouds, and paint yure name rite over the top ov the door that leads tu glory, Mount Vernon, mi boy!" We predick grate poplarity for this writer, if he aint kut oph by a frost.

"A Prairie on fire," Bi Diogoneze.—Rejeckted to onst. Tu hot for the sezon—cool artikles take the best now. It made me swet tu rede the manuskrip. "Dont despair Diogoneze," if yu find literature aint yure stile, tri sawing wood; iv'e known hundreds ov men make a dust sawing wood, who want worth a cuss tu write for the nusepapirs.

"Wait a little longer," Bi Eugene.—This potri wants greasing. Thare aint nothin so eaza tu rite az potri, if yu know how. Our advise tu this author iz tu take pills, and if tha dont release him ov his potri, he kan konklude he haz got the potri dizeaze the natral wa, and iz liable tu brake out at sumtime.

In konklusion, Fustly, we would sa tu moste writers, "write often, and publish seldom." Secondly, tu sum writers, "write seldom and publish seldemmer."

[XVIII.]

THE DEVIL'S PUTTY AND VARNISH.

When a man cums tew the konklusion that he would like tew kill sumboddy at thirty paces, he imagines that he haz bin wronged, and sends hiz best friend a challenge tew fite a dewell; tha meet, and an elegant murder iz committed; the cracks, in this transaktion are puttyed up, and then varnished over, bi being kalled, "an affair ov honnor." When a man robs a saving bank, or goes tew urope on the last steamer, with the stolen reseipts ov a sanitary kommittee in his pocket, a kommittee ov investigashun are got together tew examine the stait ov affairs, and unanimously report "a diskrepansy in hiz akounts." 2 yung men hire a hoss and buggy at a livri stable, and go into the kuntry on Sunda. Tha stop at the fust tavern tha meet, and invest in sum ardent speerits. They stop agin pretty soon, and histe in sum more ardent speerits. The more tha histe in, the more tha drive, till bi and bi a devilish bridge tips them over into a devilish gutter that sumboddy haz left bi the side ov the road, and tha are awl killed, including the hoss and buggy. This is kalled a "Fatal acksident." A man and hiz wife are living in the middle ov joy and consolashun, tha are surrounded on awl sides bi a yung and interesting familee, their bread iz cut thin, and buttered on both sides and the edges, but the destroyer enters the family, the wife wants a nu silk gown, the man sez he "be d—d if she duz," and she "be d—d if she dont." One word brings on another, till tha fite, both ov them lose awl the hair in their heds, and 2 full setts ov false teeth, the thing ends in a divorse, the man runs awa tew Australia bi the overland route, the woman marry's a cirkus rider at 40 Dollars a month, the children are adopted bi sum sunda school, and are brought up on homopathy. This furnishes a collum and a half in the nusepaper, under the hed ov "Disturbanse ov the marrid relation." A youth ov 21 summer begins life with 36 thousand dollars. Sevral fast hosses belong tew him, there iz sevral fast wimmin that he belongs tew, awl the tavern keepers are hiz patrons, faro banks are bilt for hiz amuzement, consolidated lotterys are chartered on purpiss tew make him happee; nothing iz left undun tew make him feel good. He wakes up about the 25th ov next May, without a dollar in hiz pocket, and a host ov warm friends on hiz hands, without enny visible means ov supporting them. He takes an akount ov stock, he buys a pint ov rum and 4 yards ov bed kord, the one makes him limber, while the other makes him stiff. The putty and varnish in this kase iz, "Driven tew desperashun on akount of finanshul preshure." A rale rode trane stands snorting in front ov the depoe, the last bel iz ringing, the kars are full ov souls that belong tew different individuals, the konducktor iz full ov Bourbon, that belongs tew the devil, the engineer labors under an attack ov Jamaka for the broketis, the switchmen likes a leetle good old rye, the kars diskount 45 miles a hour, 2 trains tri tew pass each other on the same track; it kant be did suckcessfully; the mangled and ded are kounted bi skores, a searching investigashun takes plase, the community iz satizfied, bekause it waz, "an unavoidable katastrophe." The Devil furnishes putty and varnish, free ov expense, tew hide the frauds and guilt ov men. Aul ov which iz respekfully committed Bi

Josh Billings.

[XIX.]

MANIFEST DESTINY.

Manifest destiny iz the science ov going tew the devil, or enny other place before yu git thare. I may be rong in this centiment, but that iz the way it strikes me, and i am so put together that when enny thing strikes me i immejiately strike back. Manifest destiny mite perhaps be blocked out agin az the condishun that man and things find themselfs in with a ring in their nozes and sumboddy hold ov the ring. I may be rong agin, but if i am, awl i hav got tew sa iz, i don't kno it, and what a man don't kno ain't no damage tew enny boddy else. The tru way that manifess destiny had better be sot down iz, the exact distance that a frog kan jump down hill with a striped snake after him; i dont kno but i may be wrong onst more, but if the frog don't git ketcthed the destiny iz jist what he iz a looking for.

When a man falls into the bottom ov a well and makes up hiz minde tew stay thare, that ain't manifess destiny enny more than having yure hair cut short iz; but if he almoste gits out and then falls down in agin 16 foot deeper and brakes off his neck twice in the same plase and dies and iz buried thare at low water, that iz manifess destiny on the square. Standing behind a bull in fly time and gitting kicked twice at one time, must feel a good deal like manifess destiny. Being about 10 seckunds tew late tew git an express train, and then chasing the train with yure wife, and an umbreller in yure hands, in a hot day, and not getting az near tew the train az you waz when yu started, looks a leetle like manifess destiny on a rale rode trak. Going into a tempranse house and calling for a little old Bourbon on ice, and being told in a mild way that "the Bourbon iz jist out, but they hav got sum gin that cost 72 cents a gallon in Paris," sounds tew me like the manifess destiny ovmoste tempranse houses.

Mi dear reader, don't beleave in manifess destiny untill yu see it. Thare iz such a thing az manifess destiny, but when it occurs it iz like the number ov rings on the rakoon's tale, ov no grate consequense onla for ornament. Man wan't made for a machine, if he waz, it waz a locomotiff machine, and manifess destiny must git oph from the trak when the bell rings, or git knocked higher than the price ov gold. Manifess destiny iz a disseaze, but it iz eazy tew heal; i hav seen it in its wust stages cured bi sawing a cord ov dri hickory wood. I thought i had it onse, it broke out in the shape ov poetry; i sent a speciment ov the disseaze tew a magazine, the magazine man wrote me nex day as follers,

"Dear Sur Yu may be a dam phule, but yu are no poeck. Yures, in haste."

[XX.]

ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.

Perkins.—I hav red yure peace, on "Wimmins Rites," thru, and thru, and must say that i luv it. In mi opinyun, wimmin haz a rite to tu dew enny thing well, but saw wood; sawin wood, ain't their stile; speshially if the sawbuk iz a high one, it must mortify them the wust wa.

Harrold.—Yure genus iz not fully born yet, when it gits awl born, i think yu will be a poeck. Yu hav got imaginashun enuff tew keep a livery stable. Yure landguage iz a leetle too florid; did you ever travel in Florida? Tri agin—I notis one ov yure lines, haz 10 feet into it, and the nex one, haz only got 9 feet, six inches. Sum poiks air born, and sum are manafaktured; the manafaktured ones, are the moste stiddyest, tha aint so ap tew hanker after mint juleps. Yu ought to go up garrett when yu praktis, moste awl good poeckry haz bin rit up garrett.

Hard Road.—Yure essa has sum good hits intu it, but iz not jis the thing for a religus nuzepaper, like ours; send it tu "Wilkes Spirit," a paper that knows how tu talk hoss. I will merely suggess, that pedigree iz not important for a fast trotting hoss; if he kan trot fast, never minde the pedigree. Thare iz a grate menny fast men, even, who haint got no pedigree. Thare aint mutch art in driving a trotting hoss, jist hold them bak hard, and holler them ahead hard, thats awl. A hoss will trot the fastest down hill, espeshila, if the briching brakes. Kuller is no kriterion. I hav seen awful mean hosses, ov awl kullers, excep green, i never cee a mean one ov this kuller. Hosses liv tew an honarabil old age, and i hav often seen them, that apeared fully prepared for deth. Heathins are alwus kind tew hosses; it iz only among christian people, that a hoss haz tew trot 3 mile heats, in a hot da, for $25,000 in kounterfit munny.

[XXI.]

ON DOGS.

When fickle frends and fickler fortin fales,
Dogs, unfickle still, for you will wag their tales.

Dogs are various in kind, and thanks tew an allwise Providence, tha are various in number. Tha are the onla animil ov the brute perswashun, who hav voluntary left a wilde stait ov natur, and cum in under the flag ov man. Tha are not vagabones bi choise, and luv tew belong tu sumbody. This fac endears them tew us, and i hav alwas rated the dog az about the seventh cusin tew the humain specious. Tha kant talk, but tha kan lick yure hand, this shows that their hearts iz in the plase where uther folks' tungs iz. Dogs in the lump are useful, but tha are not alwas proffittable in the lump. The Nufoundlin dog is useful tew saive childiren from drowning, but yu hav got tew hav a pond or water, and children running around kareless, or else the dog aint profitable. Thare aint nothing maid boarding a Nufoundlin dog. Rat Tarries air useful tew kech rats, but the rats aint proffittable after yu hav keched them. The Shepard dog is useful tew drive sheep, but if yu hav got tew go and buy a flock ov sheep, and pay more than tha are wurth, jist to keep the dog bizzy, the dog aint proffittable, not mutch. Lap dogs are very useful, but if yu dont hold them in yure lap awl the time, tha aint proffittable at all. Bull dogs are extremely useful, but yu hav got tew keep a bull too, or else yu kant make ennything on the dog. The Coach dog iz one ov the moste usefullest ov dogs i kno ov, but yu hav got to hav a coach, (and that aint alwus pleasant) or yu kant realize from the dog. Thus we cee, that while dogs are ginerally useful, thare are times, when tha aint ginerally proffittable. I dont really luv a Yaller dog, nor a mad dog, but with these two unfortunate excepshuns, it is dredful hard work for me to sa a hard word agin a dog; the wag ov their tails is what takes me. Enny man who will abuze a dog, neadn't ask me to luv him, or pra for him. Enny man who will abuze a dog will abuse a woman, and enny man who will abuse a woman is thirty-five or forty miles meaner than—a pale paller dog. These are my centiments, and i shant change them, until i receive notice that the camel has smoothed down the hump on his back, and the sarpent ceases tew wiggle when he wanders.

[XXII.]

SAYINGS OF JOSH BILLINGS.

I think the fools do more hurt in this world than the raskals.

The prinsipal differense between a luxury and a necesaary iz, the prise.

Awl men hav cunning, and sum men hav wisdum.

If I aint mistaken, the best wa tew git religion, iz tew git honesta, and truth, and a sprinklin ov morality fust, and see how they agree with us.

What a man spends in this life, he saves: what he dont git want ment for him, and what he saves, he loozes.

Fame iz like a crop ov kanada thissells, very eazy tew sow, but hard tew reap.

"Familiarity breeds contempt." this iz so—jist as soon az we git familiarized with castor ile, for instance we contempt it.

Life is short, but it iz long enuff to ruin enny man who wants tew be ruined.

When the soul iz in grief, it iz taking root, and when it iz in smiles, it iz taking wing.

The grate art in writing well, iz tew kno when tew stop.

Every time yu forgive a man yu weaken him, and strengthen yurself.

Mi private opinion iz, that i should prefer boned fish tew boned turkey.

"Giv the devil his due," but be very kerful that thare aint mutch due him.

It haz bin obsarved, "that corporashuns haint got enny souls." Thare iz excepshuns tew this rule, for i kno ov several that hav got the meanest kind ov souls.

After a man has rode fast onse, he never wants tew go slow agin.

"Sparks fly upward." Old maids will pleaze make a note ov this.

"What will it proffit a man, if he gain the whole wurld, and loze his own soul? i answer, nothing: but thare are cases, whare thare wouldn't be enny loss tew speek ov.

"Think twice before yu speak onse," but don't think, "d—n it."

Thare iz onla one thing that i blame Adam for, and that iz, when he had the onla woman on arth, he didn't git her warranted.

[XXIII.]

FASHION.

Fashion is a compound mixtur ov much taist, and sum vanitee. The taist that is into it, saives it from ridikule. Fashun iz just az necessara tu govern men and wimmin with, az sivil law; in fack menny folks wud ruther brake a statu than tu ware a cut tale tu short, or a bunnet tu obtuze.

Exsentrisity iz one thing, and fashun iz anuther thing. We haint got no more rite tu laff at fashun, than we hav tu laff at vittels. What a man, or woman eats, if it iz well cooked, iz all rite, and what tha ware, if it iz well cooked, is ditto.—After fashuns hav had their da, then iz the time tu despize them; just so it iz with vittels; cold vittels for instanze.

Nobody iz tu blame for old fashuns. If our grate grand mother shud meet our present mother, both ov them dressed in the fashun ov their respektif daze, tha wud go tu kalling each other old Fools, and we should stan by, and offer tu bet on it. If evry boddy had a fashun ov their own, it wud make az mutch trubble az a shinplaster kurrensy. Them that sett the fashun, aught tu be vartuous and big minded, bekauze the morals ov a people are just about az mutch inflooensed by fashun az tha are by religun. In them daze, when tha had no partiklar fashun, tha didn't hav partiklar enny thing else. It iz more evidense ov vanitee to rejek fashun, than it iz tu adopt it.

Evra boddy, more or lessly, hankers after fashun. Fashun makes the poor ambishus, and it makes the rich affabil; it makes the vartuous cheerful, and it makes the humbly kind ov handsum, and thare iz no reson why it shud make the modest bold, enny more than elegense shud make the butiful wicked. Thare has alwus bin wolfs in sheeps clothing, and fashun will okasionally be used for the same purpis, but that aint enny reson why mutton aint good, nor why fashun shud be hipokrasy. Bekauze sum peopil are slaves tu fashun only proves its power, and yu will find that thoze who are its slaves are ginerally free from moste ov the big sins that humin natur iz subjec tu. The big minded, and the noble, adopt fashun jist az tha du enny uther proper kustom, simpla bekause it iz the fashun.

It is tru that sum ov the fashuns are absurd, and it is tru that sum ov the vartues are absurd also. If a fashun kant be maid tu square itself tu the rules ov either good cense or good taist, it aint fashun, it is consait. A grate menny folks ced that whoops was a failure, but tha held their own, and grew nisely; tha are realy evra thing in a hot da. I shud like tu set in one all thru Juli and August; a feller wud be as cool as a dog's nose in a wire muzzel.

The essa is thru.

The occasional effect of Santa Cruz Rum on a gentleman of genial spirits.—See page [80].

[XXIV.]

REMARKS.

Marrying a woman for her munny is vera mutch like setting a rat-trap, and baiting it with yure own finger.

"Between tew evils chuze the least." Brandee and gin, for instance, which will yu hav?

Perhaps sum philosophick mind kan tell me why the Jews never eat whats on the left side ov a baked goose.

If men had a good deal more faith than tha had kommon sense, moste ov them wud expek tu liv, as Eliger ov old did.

When a man's harte gits up into his hed, his charitees will smell tu mutch ov wisdom; and when his hed gits down into his harte, his wisdom smells tu much ov charitee.

I wud as soon take a ten dollar kounterfit bill on the Kodfish Bank ov Nufoundland, as tu marry a woman with false hare, false teeth or a false buzzum.

Men don't repli tu real sarkasm.

Ginowine proverbs ar like good kambrick needles—short, sharp, and shiny.

The fust man who was born inter the wurld, killed the sekund one, and i aint sure but it wud hav bin a good plan if the men had tuk their turns at killing ever sinse.

Art improves a diamond, but kant make one.

"Gra hares are honarabil," but I kno ov a grate menny gra heds that the devil will keep under a glas kase, tu sho the curous in theze matters.

[XXV.]

PROVERBIAL PIG.

Az the white rose wakens intu buty, so dus the white Pig cum tu gladden us. His ears are like the lilac leaf, played upon bi the young zephurs at eventide, his silkaness is the woof ov buty, and his figger is the outline ov lovlaness. His food is white nectar, drawn from the full fountain ov affecshun. He waxes fatter, and more slik, evra da, and hangs from the buzzum ov his muther like an image ov alabastur. He laffeth at forms, and curleth his tale still clusser, as his feast goeth on, then he riseth with gladness, and wandereth with his kindred, beside the still waters. His brothers and sisters are az like him as flakes ov snow, and all the day long, amung the red klover, and beneath the white thorn, he maketh his joy, and leadeth a life arkadian. His words are low musik, and his language the untutored freshness ov natur. His pastime is the history ov innersence, and his lessure is elaganse. He walketh whare grase leadeth, and gambles tew the dallianse ov dewy fragranse. He gathereth straws in his mouth, and hasteneth awa on errants ov gladness. He listeneth tu the reproof of hiz parent; his ackshuns are the laws ov perliteness, and his logick is the power ov instinkt. His datime is pease and his evening is gentle forgitfullness. As he taketh on years, he loveth kool plases, and delveth in liquids, and stirreth the arth tew a fatness, and painteth hisself in dark cullers, a reffuge from flize, and the torments ov life. He forgetteth his parent, and bekumeth his own master, and larneth the mistery ov food, and groweth hugely. Men gaze at his porkyness, and kount his vallu bi pounds, and la in wate for him, and sacrifise him, and give his flesh salt for its safety. This is Pig life.

[XXVI.]

PROVERBS.

Preeching the gospel for nothin, is easy enuff, but preeching it fur 5 thousand a yere, and hav it sute, is anuther thing entirely.

A ded traitor makes a sweete korps.

Matches, ma be made in heavin, but tha ar ginerally sold down here.

Yu ma make a whissel out ov a pig's tale, but if you du, you'll find you've spilte a verry worthy tale, and got a devilish poor whissel.

I consait thare is this difference between bashfullness, and modesta, the one soon wares oph, the other never dus.

A vartuous, and ekonomikal, and knooing, and butiful woman is—is, all that kan be sed on the subjec.

Fitckshun is a kind ov haf wa hous, betwen the temples ov Truth and Fallshood, whare the good and the bad meet tu lie a little.

Praing, and Charitee, ought tu be dun on the sli.

The moste intensely butiful scene i ever perused, was a clene, fat, haf dressed baby, on the floor, kicking up its little heels, and pounding a lookin glass, and a gold watch together.

Munny is like promises, easier maid than kept.

The fules in this wurld make about as much trubble as the wicked du.

Misfortin and twins hardly ever cum singly.

[XXVII.]

ANSWERS TO CORRESPONDENTS.

Bolivar.—Yu are rite about it, courtin a yung widder iz no boys play. Yu hav got to stick and hang. Feed them well, and take them tu the circus, and go out into the avenu with a kupple ov blood ba lightning calculators, that's the wa! Dont waste enny time waiting for a full moon nuther. Widders luv oysters and gass lite the best. Dont flatter them much, but pitch in, and rush matters. Menny a widder has bin lost, bi fuleing around, gitting reddy tu court. Maids luv centiment, but widders luv muscle.

Fanny.—Pork and beans are good, that's a fack, but yu must go down suller and eat them, don't let ennybody cee yu du it. Sassage grease iz ap tu rise on the stummuk, and if yu eat raw onions, and dont swaller them hull, tha are ap tu make yure breth defensive, so tha sa. If yu want tew katch yure bo, run rite tuther wa, and skream a small-sized skream, and dont look bak till yu katch him. If yure bo wants tew marry yu, and yu ar enny whar near reddy, it iz a good genral rule tew let him du it.

David.—The best kind ov a dog tew hav for awl purposes iz a wooden one. Tha dont kost much, and aint liable tew git out ov repair. They are easy kep, and yu alwus kno whare tu find them. Tha aint kross tu children when yu step on their tales. Bi awl means git a small one. I never knu one ov this breed tu foller ennybody oph.

Citizen.—I think yu hav cum tu just konklusion from the premisis. Yu sa, "enny man who will chaw plug terbakker, will drink santa kruize rum; enny man who will drink santa kruize rum, will go tew the devil; and enny man who will go tu the devil, is mean enuff tu du enny thing." Bi thunder, i think yure more than 3/4 rite, I will think the thing over clus, and if i find you are rite, i'll telegraff tew yu.

Richard.—Thare aint no sich thing az a munny aristokrat in this free Amerikan land ov freedum. If a man knows more than anuther man, he has got a rite tew throw his hed bak and brag onto it a little. But if a man haint got onla munny, he haint got no more rite tu brag onto it then he wud hav tu brag onto a big pile ov manure that wanted spreading.

Gipsey.—I kant giv yu enny partikler rule for riteing for the nuzepapers. Korrekt spelling iz the verry bowels ov suckcess. This art is onkomon hard tew obtain; but few ever reach it and liv. If yu want yure name tew go down tu posterita untarnished, dont rite for the nusepapers, but go and hav yure name painted in red letters onto a board, and la it awa up garrett.

[XXVIII.]

PROVERBS OF THE BILLINGS FAMILY.

Humin natur is the same all over the world, cept in Nu England, and thar its akordin tu sarcumstances.

A kodfish aristokrat alwus puts me in mind ov a drunken man a tryin tu walk a krack.

Rum is good in its plase, and hel is the plase for it.

Akordin tu skripter thar will be just about as many Kammills in heavin as rich men.

When yu korte a widder, yu want tu du it with spurs on.

Larfin at yure own story, while yu are tellin on it, is a good dele like firing a gun oph thru the tuch hole.

A pet lam, alwus makes a kross ram.

A live harte sumtimes gits intu a ded body, so dus perls git intu jersa clams.

"Glory enuff for one da," attendin a nigger kamp meeting.

He who skorns to be inflooensed at tall by fashun is a wize fool.

I am prepaired tu say tu sevin ov the rich men out ov evry ten, makes the most ov yure money for it makes the most ov yu.

If i had a boy who didn't lie well enuff tu sute me, i wud set him tu tendin a retale dri good store.

Man was kreated a little lower than the angells and has bin gittin a little lower ever sinse.

The moste oneasy kreetur i ever perused, was a bob tale bull, in fli time.

When a feller gits a goin down hil, it dus seem as tho evry thing had bin greased for the okashun.

I hav known folks whose calibre was very small, but whose bore was very big.

The meanest man i ever nu was the one who stole a suggar whissel from a nigger baby tu sweeten a kup ov rye koffee with.

Pluk is a nise kompound ov pride, vanitee and vartue.

Robbers are like rane, tha fall on the just and the unjust.

We hate those who will not take our advise, and despise them who do.

[XXIX.]

A FU REMARKS.

Moral swashun consis in asking a man tu do what he aught tu do without askin, and then beggin hiz pardon if he refuses tu do it.

I hav finally kum tu the konklusion, that a good reliable sett ov bowels, iz wurth more tu a man, than enny quantity ov brains.

Musick hath charms tu soothe a savage; this may be so, but i wud rather tri a revolver on him fust.

It alwus seemed to me that a left handed fiddler must pla the tune backwards.

I hav often bin told that the best wa iz tu take a "Bull bi the horns," but i think in many instanzes i shud prefer the "tale holt."

The fust law ov natur iz tu steal; the sekund law is tu hide, and the third iz tu—steal agin.

Poverta acts the same onta a man's branes, az exercise dus onto hiz boddy, gives an appetite.

I never could cee any use in making wooden gods mail and femail.

If the harte iz rite, the hed cant be very rong.

Tha tell me that femails are so skarse, in the far western country, that a grate menny married wimmin are alreddy engaged tu their sekund and third husbands.

N. B. The above remarks are not intended to be personal.

[XXX.]

A LEKTURE TO MALE YOUNG MEN ONLY.

Yu are about 2 begin life, yung men, for the fust time, and I suppose thare wud be no impropriety in mi saing, for the last time tew. It is hily important or thereabouts, that yu set down in sum kool plase, and take an honest akount ov stok, or in other wurds, less poetick but equally tru, yu sarch out the ramifikashun ov natur, and see what natur haz ramified yu for. Now skriptur will tell yu, that men don't gether pigs from thissels, neither dus the husband, nor hiz wife, nor enny ov his relashuns, plant korn when tha are after pumpkins, nor sow bukwheat, when he iz a lookin for old rye. Kauze and affeck iz anuther awful good thing to studdy; yu will find this talked ov in Dan Webster's dicktionary. Having follered the above advise, and having hefted the above reasoning, yu will cum tew the konklusion, whether it iz best for yu tu studdy law, or studdy shumaking, both ov them honerabil biznisses, and equally kondusiv tew helth. Yu will also be enabled tew bet with dispatch, whether yu hav a kall, tew preach the gospil, or sel yankee no shuns at auction, both ov them respektuous if honestla follared, and both ov them liabel tew be led estra, and end at laste in the bronkeetis. The studdy ov medisin will present itself and flap its wings and crow, but it kant fule yu, bekause yu have sot down, as rekomended above, and tuk akount ov yure liabilitys, and kno tew a spot whether yu air konstructed rite for a veteran surgeon amung hosses, or hav the rite natur for dealing out kalamil & gallup amung men, wimmin & childrin. Yu will likewize hav it in yure power tew gess clussly between being a kolporter or keeping a billiard tabil; if yu find that yure goose iz morally sound, yu will itinerate at onst, but if yu diskiver a leak in yure base, yu will take up yure cue, naturally & akordinly. Selling dri goods and blaksmithing wil klaim yure especial notis, and wil bother yu dredfully for a verdik; but if yu find yu hav kalico on the brain, & aint afraid tew stretch the cloth & the truth a little, when yu mezure it, yu will straddle the kounter like an ingyrubber clothes pin, and smile on yure kustomers like a sleeping babe trubbled with wind. Yu wil, without doubt, be asked tu sa whether yu wil be a pollytisian or a blakleg, both equally honorabil. If yu hav enny reasonable douts about cheatin yure moste intimate frends, and aint willing tew be seen in low grogerys on lecktion daze, buying votes with cheap whiska and kounterfit munny, and dont expek tew buy yure elekshun, and then sell yure prinsiples tew git even; if yu kant go this, and tend awl the churches near yu in rotashun, and hear folks sa, "What an ornyment to sosiety he iz!" i sa, if yu kant go all this without blushing, yu will ov course adopt the blakleg, and gain an honest living bi cheatin on the square.

Yung men yu will awl detek in this lekture a frendla feeling towards yu bi the author, and if yu foller the direckshuns laid down above, yu wil diskiver the wigglings ov yure genius, in time perhaps, tew saive yureselfs from cuming the govenor ov sum state, when natur kindly ramified yu for a carpenter and jiner.

[XXXI.]

CLEVER FELLOWS.

It is perfectly astounding how full ov clever fellows the world iz. Yu kan find them almost ennywhere, on the korner ov the streets, reddy tew say, "mi dear fellow how are yu?" and adjourn at onst tew the hotell and take a drink with yu. Yu can find them in the churches, reddy tew slap yu on the back and take yure meazure for a front pew, next tew the Hon. Hannibal Herring Hallibut, Esq., at the lucid figger ov $450 Dollars per year, and a liberal chanse at the contribushun plate, twice evry Sunda. Yu kan find them in the lucky possession ov a blood bay pair ov geldings sired by Casshus M. Klay, and jist refused tu the widder ov a defunk sope biler, at $2700 dollars, but tew yu! confidensially! tew yu!! tha will be placed at $2000. Yu kan find them in nominashun for congress, bland, fond, and peculiar, kneeling tew acksep yure sufrage as limber az a lover, ov the milk weed genus, at the balmorell ov a $30,000 Dollars maiden.—Yu can find them reddy tew indorse yure paper, yesterday, for awl the munny in the institushun. Good Lord! Good Lord! how thick tha are. I alwus treat theze fellers kindly, jist az tho i loved them, but i alwus stand in frunt ov them, az i do when i admire a mule. I dont think tha hav az mutch malis az impudense, and sum ov them are so innersent, that i really beleaf tha think tha are honest. I dont think the wurld could git along without theze clever feller, tha ar jist what keep truth above par, and furnish the romanse ov life with a continual freshness. I sa, long live theze clever fellers! and when tha die, if tha kan manage tew wiggle themselves into the better land, i am the last man who will desire to step on their tales.

[XXXII]

AFFERISIMS.

God save the phools! and don't let them run out, for if it want for them, wise men couldn't get a livin.

Sum peoples branes are located in their heds.

We are told "that there want ennything maid in vain," but i hav thought that awl the time spent in manufakturing striped snaix, and muskeeters, waz wasted.

If thare waz nothing but truth in this wurld, a fool would stand just as good a chanse az a wize man.

True perlitenes consists in being anxus about the welfair ov uthers; false perliteness consists in being verry anxus about nothing.

Robbers are like rain, tha fall on the just, and the unjust.

If a man iz az wize az a sarpent, he can afford to be as harmless as a dove.

We are ap tu hate them, who wont take our advise, and despize them who do.

It iz dredful eazy tew be a phool—a man kan be one and not know it.

Real happiness dont consiss so mutch in what a man dont hav, az it duz, in what he dont want.

Fear iz the fust lesson larnt, and the laste one forgotten.

Noboddy but a phool, gits bit twise bi the same dog.

[XXXIII.]

ANSWERS TO CONTRIBUTORS.

Josh Billings wants it respekfully understood that, tho hiz duta az sensor ov a vartuous press ockasionally kauses him tew lite onto sum contributors at a high rate ov speed, he dus it, not out ov malis tu those who rite, but thru grate luv and tribulashun for thoze who read:

TO CONTRIBUTORS.

"I Hear an Angell Whispre," by Clemantha.—Theze lines contain more poeckry, and less truth. The fact is, Angells don't whispre, if tha hav got enny thing tew sa, tha sa it rite out loud. Tri agin, Clemantha; rite onto kontentment, or happiness, or sum sich subjec, that haint never bin rit onto.

"Slavery, ordained ov God," bi A. D. P.—This produckshion we cant accept. We are bound in our insuranse polisy not tew hav on hand "enny article extra hazardus on akount ov fire," and we don't want tu be struk bi litenin, nor sent tu purgatory, and looze our insurance besides. Furthermore, writers must giv us their names in full; A. D. P. mite stand for A. D—m Phule, and we aint a doing enny bizness with them kind not if we are credibly informed.

"On Pisgers nobil hites i stood, communin with our ansesters," bi Clarense.—Blank varse, bi grashus! If my memry dont fule me, this iz the same spot whare Noer stood, with the Ark previously. We aint mutch on blank varse, but think we smel a rat. We hav sent the peace tew the "Kommitty on forrin relashuns," and if tha sa the peace iz on the square, it will be published, ackompanied with a full sized 3 dollar puff.

"Epitaff on a friend," bi Emeline Parsons.—Epitaffs are played out with us. We continu tew publish them, at 25 cents ahed, az we du deth and weddings, and dont hold ourself resposible for truth or damage. We luv tu enkurage genius tho, and advise Emeline Parsons tu diet, and keep her hand in bi riteing for the Nu York Leger.

"Essa on Hurrykanes," bi Tempest Jun'.—Wil appear jist az soon az the hurrykane softens down a little. This writer handles a hurrykane the best we ever see it did. Hiz deskripshun resembles chain litening quietly. He maiks the grate oaks tew wiggle lik mad sarpents, and the roks tew bile and bust open, and the hole arth tew rumbil az tho it had the kolick. This writer could git up a ghost that would be wurth having. Tempest Jun' will pleze send us his photergraff, we want a personal intervu.

John Billings drives out to the Races.—See page [100].

[XXXIV.]

A SHORT AND VERY AFFEKTING ESSA ON MAN.

Man iz a problem not yet solved, made out ov dirt, and smells ov the material. He waz kreated a little lower than the angells, and haz bin gittin a little lower ever sinse. He waz given a butiful hum, clus tew the borders ov heaven, the fruit and the flower waz planted for him, and the sweet waters were led along hiz futpath, birds sung onla for him, and woman was bilt tew make hiz joy komplete. The lam laid her hed on the lion's buzzum, and the viper knu not ov his sting. The winds waz tempered with soft fragranse, and awl things had onla the soul ov innersence in them. Guile there waz none, fear there waz none, even hope thare waz none, for thare waz nothing tew want. This waz butiful tew behold, but it didn't prove enny thing, but the kindness ov God. Could the arth be peopled? could the oseans be crossed? could the forest be chopped down? could sittys be built? could enny boddy be made tew work when thare waz nothing to hope for and nothing tew want? Man waz created tew govern a world ov ruggidness, and he couldn't dew it bi being as harmless as a dove; he must hav a touch ov a good sized sarpent in him, or he would has lived, he and hiz wife, growing butiful and useless, forever, in the Garden ov Eden. Man never waz bilt for the Garden ov Eden; he waz onla put thare tew see its buty, but not tew enjoy it till he had arnt it; not tew liv thare untill a weary round had bin paced. Eden waz hiz kradle, Eden was the pla ground ov hiz yung Adamhood, and under hiz vine and fig treeze waz hiz old age tew be gathered. How menny ov the countless millions, who hav gone forth from the pearly gate ov the garden hav ever entered agin? Sum few, perhaps hav got back, weary and worn, sum few hav got back within sight ov its glory, and sleep thare, but legions lay whare they hav fell az far from their hum az wandering feet could carry them; and man after 5,000 years ov birthrite tew awl the glora ov heaven, and arth, iz az mutch ov a problem az ever. If he governs the arth—if the lightnings obey him—if art iz the monark ov natur, and if even the angels are at times tempted tew admire him, strugling with the sarpent, iz he not, at this day, a moste magnificent failure? kan he, who haz governed so mutch, that even angels would shudder tew attack, can he govern himself. This iz the problem. It iz but a step from the furtherest grave tew the garden ov Eden, but how few will take it. We awl know the wa back tew the kradle ov Eden. We awl long tew be thare asleep, but if God dont take us in hiz arms, az froward children are taken, how few thare will be, who will ever git hum. Man iz the problem, God iz the solution.

[XXXV.]

THE RASE KOARSE.

"Grate rase! at Sulphur Flat trotting Park, on Thursda, April 9th, for a puss ov 13 dollars, and a bulls-eye watch, free for awl hosses, mares, geldings, mules, and Jackasses!"

Seeing the above anounsement, pasted up on a gide board, at "Jamaka rum four corners," and having never saw a hoss trot, on a well regulated rase koarse, for the improvement ov the breed ov hosses, i agreed i wud go, jist tew encourage the breeding ov good hosses. I found the village of Sulphur Flats located in a lot and well watered bi a griss-mill and 2 tannerys. The prinsipal buildings seem tu consiss ov a tavern stand, 3 groserys, an insurance offiss, and anuther tavern stand, awl condukted on strik whiskee prinsiples. I found the inhabitants a good deal tired in their religus views and i thought the opening wud admit 3 or 4 missionarys abreast.

The moste prinsipal bizness ov the peopil waz pealing bark in the winter, and pitchin cents az soon az warm wether sot in. I asked a gentleman present, who ced he waz a reporter for "The Yung Man's Christian Gide," if he knew what the poplashun ov the plase definitely waz, and he ced he definitely didn't, but if i would set out a pail ov whiskee, with a dipper into it, on the top ov a hemlock stump, that grew in front ov the tavern, it wouldn't be 60 minnits befour i cud count the whole ov them, and then we both ov us smiled, az it were, tew onst. Having asked sum uther inquirys, ov a mexed natur, i santered down tu where the rase koarse waz.

THE TRACK.

I found the track waz about a mild in circumferense, and ov a sandy disposishun, fensed in by a kranbury mash on one side, and a brush fense on tuther, and in jist about 3 minnet condishun. The judge's stand waz an ox cart surrounded on the sides bi a ha rigging, and the reporters waz invited tew git intu the cart.

THE HOSSES

Waz a gra mare, about the usual stature, not verry fat, and laboring under a spring halt, which tha ced she had caught ov anuther hoss, about 10 days ago. Tha ced she had trotted tu a kamp-meeting last fall inside ov a verry short time, and that her back bone waz awl game. I asked a yung man with long yeller hair and bedtick pantyloons on, who waz currying oph the mare, what her pedigree was, and he with a wink tew anuther feller who stood clus bi, ced, "she waz got bi the Landlord out ov a Methdiss minister," and then tha both laffed. I found out bi inquirin, that her name waz "Fryin-Pan." The uther hoss waz a red hoss, rather hastily konstructed, with a spare tale on him, which tha ced waz kaused by his trotting so fast, in a windy day; i shud think he waz about 5 feet and a haf in hite, and ov a kickin natur. Tha ced he waz a stranger in theze parts, and that his rite name waz "Juise Harp."

FUST HEAT.