If
By Lord Dunsany
[Dunsany, Edward John Moreton Drax Plunkett, Baron]
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
JOHN BEAL
MARY BEAL
LIZA
ALI
BERT, BILL: two railway porters
THE MAN IN THE CORNER
MIRALDA CLEMENT
HAFIZ EL ALCOLAHN
DAOUD
ARCHIE BEAL
BAZZALOL, THOOTHOOBABA: two Nubian door-keepers
BEN HUSSEIN, Lord of the Pass
ZABNOOL, SHABEESH: two conjurers
OMAR, a singer
ZAGBOOLA, mother of Hafiz
THE SHEIK OF THE BISHAREENS
Notables, soldiers, Bishareens, dancers, etc.
Contents
|
[ IF ]
[ ACT I ] [ ACT II ] [ ACT III ] [ ACT IV ] |
IF
ACT I
SCENE 1
A small railway station near London. Time: Ten years ago.
BERT
'Ow goes it, Bill?
BILL
Goes it? 'Ow d'yer think it goes?
BERT
I don't know, Bill. 'Ow is it?
BILL
Bloody.
BERT
Why? What's wrong?
BILL
Wrong? Nothing ain't wrong.
BERT
What's up then?
BILL
Nothing ain't right.
BERT
Why, wot's the worry?
BILL
Wot's the worry? They don't give you better wages nor a dog, and then they thinks they can talk at yer and talk at yer, and say wot they likes, like.
BERT
Why? You been on the carpet, Bill?
BILL
Ain't I! Proper.
BERT
Why, wot about, Bill?
BILL
Wot about? I'll tell yer. Just coz I let a lidy get into a train. That's wot about. Said I ought to 'av stopped 'er. Thought the train was moving. Thought it was dangerous. Thought I tried to murder 'er, I suppose.
BERT
Wot? The other day?
BILL
Yes.
BERT
Tuesday?
BILL
Yes.
BERT
Why. The one that dropped her bag?
BILL
Yes. Drops 'er bag. Writes to the company. They writes back she shouldn't 'av got in. She writes back she should. Then they gets on to me. Any more of it and I'll...
BERT
I wouldn't, Bill; don't you.
BILL
I will.
BERT
Don't you, Bill. You've got your family to consider.
BILL
Well, anyway, I won't let any more of them passengers go jumping into trains any more, not when they're moving, I won't. When the train gets in, doors shut. That's the rule. And they'll 'ave to abide by it.
BERT
Well, I wouldn't stop one, not if...
BILL
I don't care. They ain't going to 'ave me on the mat again and talk all that stuff to me. No, if someone 'as to suffer... 'Ere she is.
[Noise of approaching train heard.]
BERT
Ay, that's her.
BILL
And shut goes the door.
[Enter JOHN BEAL.]
BERT
Wait a moment, Bill.
BILL
Not if he's... Not if he was ever so.
JOHN [preparing to pass]
Good morning....
BILL
Can't come through. Too late.
JOHN
Too late? Why, the train's only just in.
BILL
Don't care. It's the rule.
JOHN
O, nonsense. [He carries on.]
BILL
It's too late. I tell you you can't come.
JOHN
But that's absurd. I want to catch my train.
BILL
It's too late.
BERT
Let him go, Bill.
BILL
I'm blowed if I let him go.
JOHN
I want to catch my train.
[JOHN is stopped by BILL and pushed back by the face. JOHN advances towards BILL looking like fighting. The train has gone.]
BILL
Only doing my duty.
[JOHN stops and reflects at this, deciding it isn't good enough. He shrugs his shoulders, turns round and goes away.]
JOHN
I shouldn't be surprised if I didn't get even with you one of these days, you..... and some way you won't expect.
Curtain
SCENE 2
Yesterday evening.
[Curtain rises on JOHN and MARY in their suburban home.]
JOHN
I say, dear. Don't you think we ought to plant an acacia?
MARY
An acacia, what's that, John?
JOHN
O, it's one of those trees that they have.
MARY
But why, John?
JOHN
Well, you see the house is called The Acacias, and it seems rather silly not to have at least one.
MARY
O, I don't think that matters. Lots of places are called lots of things. Everyone does.
JOHN
Yes, but it might help the postman.
MARY
O, no, it wouldn't, dear. He wouldn't know an acacia if he saw it any more than I should.
JOHN
Quite right, Mary, you're always right. What a clever head you've got!
MARY
Have I, John? We'll plant an acacia if you like. I'll ask about it at the grocer's.
JOHN
You can't get one there.
MARY
No, but he's sure to know where it can be got.
JOHN
Where do they grow, Mary?
MARY
I don't know, John; but I am sure they do, somewhere.
JOHN
Somehow I wish sometimes, I almost wish I could have gone abroad for a week or so to places like where acacias grow naturally.
MARY
O, would you really, John?
JOHN
No, not really. But I just think of it sometimes.
MARY
Where would you have gone?
JOHN
O, I don't know. The East or some such place. I've often heard people speak of it, and somehow it seemed so...
MARY
The East, John? Not the East. I don't think the East somehow is quite respectable.
JOHN
O well, it's all right, I never went, and never shall go now. It doesn't matter.
MARY [the photographs catching her eye]
O, John, I meant to tell you. Such a dreadful thing happened.
JOHN
What, Mary?
MARY
Well, Liza was dusting the photographs, and when she came to Jane's she says she hadn't really begun to dust it, only looked at it, and it fell down, and that bit of glass is broken right out of it.
JOHN
Ask her not to look at it so hard another time.
MARY
O, what do you mean, John?
JOHN
Well, that's how she broke it; she said so, and as I know you believe in Liza...
MARY
Well, I can't think she'd tell a lie, John.
JOHN
No, of course not. But she mustn't look so hard another time.
MARY
And it's poor little Jane's photograph. She will feel it so.
JOHN
O, that's all right, we'll get it mended.
MARY
Still, it's a dreadful thing to have happened.
JOHN
We'll get it mended, and if Jane is unhappy about it she can have Alice's frame. Alice is too young to notice it.
MARY
She isn't, John. She'd notice it quick.
JOHN
Well, George, then.
MARY [looking at photo thoughtfully]
Well, perhaps George might give up his frame.
JOHN
Yes, tell Liza to change it. Why not make her do it now?
MARY
Not to-day, John. Not on a Sunday. She shall do it to-morrow by the time you get back from the office.
JOHN
All right. It might have been worse.
MARY
It's bad enough. I wish it hadn't happened.
JOHN
It might have been worse. It might have been Aunt Martha.
MARY
I'd sooner it had been her than poor little Jane.
JOHN
If it had been Aunt Martha's photograph she'd have walked in next day and seen it for certain; I know Aunt Martha. Then there'd have been trouble.
MARY
But, John, how could she have known?
JOHN
I don't know, but she would have; it's a kind of devilish sense she has.
MARY
John!
JOHN
What's the matter?
MARY
John! What a dreadful word you used. And on a Sunday too! Really!
JOHN
O, I'm sorry. It slipped out somehow. I'm very sorry.
[Enter LIZA.]
LIZA
There's a gentleman to see you, sir, which isn't, properly speaking, a gentleman at all. Not what I should call one, that is, like.
MARY
Not a gentleman! Good gracious, Liza! Whatever do you mean?
LIZA
He's black.
MARY
Black?
JOHN [reassuring]
O... yes, that would be Ali. A queer old customer, Mary; perfectly harmless. Our firm gets hundreds of carpets through him; and then one day...
MARY
But what is he doing here, John?
JOHN
Well, one day he turned up in London; broke, he said; and wanted the firm to give him a little cash. Well, old Briggs was for giving him ten shillings. But I said "here's a man that's helped us in making thousands of pounds. Let's give him fifty."
MARY
Fifty pounds!
JOHN
Yes, it seems a lot; but it seemed only fair. Ten shillings would have been an insult to the old fellow, and he'd have taken it as such. You don't know what he'd have done.
MARY
Well, he doesn't want more?
JOHN
No, I expect he's come to thank me. He seemed pretty keen on getting some cash. Badly broke, you see. Don't know what he was doing in London. Never can tell with these fellows. East is East, and there's an end of it.
MARY
How did he trace you here?
JOHN
O, got the address at the office. Briggs and Cater won't let theirs be known. Not got such a smart little house, I expect.
MARY
I don't like letting people in that you don't know where they come from.
JOHN
O, he comes from the East.
MARY
Yes, I—I know. But the East doesn't seem quite to count, somehow, as the proper sort of place to come from, does it, dear?
JOHN
No.
MARY
It's not like Sydenham or Bromley, some place you can put your finger on.
JOHN
Perhaps just for once, I don't think there's any harm in him.
MARY
Well, just for once. But we can't make a practice of it. And you don't want to be thinking of business on a Sunday, your only day off.
JOHN
O, it isn't business, you know. He only wants to say thank you.
MARY
I hope he won't say it in some queer Eastern way. You don't know what these people....
JOHN
O, no. Show him up, Liza.
LIZA
As you like, mum. [Exit.]
MARY
And you gave him fifty pounds?
JOHN
Well, old Briggs agreed to it. So I suppose that's what he got. Cater paid him.
MARY
It seems a lot of money. But I think, as the man is actually coming up the stairs, I'm glad he's got something to be grateful for.
[Enter ALI, shown in by LIZA.]
ALI
Protector of the Just.
JOHN
O, er—yes. Good evening.
ALI
My soul was parched and you bathed it in rivers of gold.
JOHN
O, ah, yes.
ALI
Wherefore the name Briggs, Cater, and Beal shall be magnified and called blessed.
JOHN
Ha, yes. Very good of you.
ALI [advancing, handing trinket]
Protector of the Just, my offering.
JOHN
Your offering?
ALI
Hush. It is beyond price. I am not bidden to sell it. I was in my extremity, but I was not bidden to sell it. It is a token of gratitude, a gift, as it came to me.
JOHN
As it came to you?
ALI
Yes, it was given me.
JOHN
I see. Then you had given somebody what you call rivers of gold?
ALI
Not gold; it was in Sahara.
JOHN
O, and what do you give in the Sahara instead of gold?
ALI
Water.
JOHN
I see. You got it for a glass of water, like.
ALI
Even so.