MARION HARLAND’S COMPLETE ETIQUETTE

MARION HARLAND’S
COMPLETE ETIQUETTE

MARION HARLAND’S
Complete Etiquette

A Young People’s Guide to Every Social Occasion
By
MARION HARLAND
AND
VIRGINIA VAN DE WATER
REVISED AND ENLARGED

INDIANAPOLIS
THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY
PUBLISHERS

Copyright 1905, 1907, 1914
The Bobbs-Merrill Company
PRESS OF
BRAUNWORTH & CO.
BOOKBINDERS AND PRINTERS
BROOKLYN, N. Y.

CONTENTS

MARION HARLAND’S
COMPLETE ETIQUETTE

CHAPTER I
SENDING AND RECEIVING INVITATIONS

THE sending and receiving of invitations underlies social obligations. It therefore behooves both senders and recipients to learn the proper form in which these evidences of hospitality should be despatched and received.

In the majority of cases an invitation demands an answer. If one is in doubt, it is well to err on the side of acknowledging an invitation, rather than on that of ignoring it altogether.

We will consider first such invitations as demand no acceptance but which call for regrets if one can not accept. Such are cards to “At Home” days, to teas and to large receptions. Unless any one of these bears on its face the letters “R. s. v. p.” (Répondez, s’il vous plaît—Answer if you please) no acceptance is required. If one can not attend the function, one should send one’s card so that one’s friend will receive it on the day of her affair.

CARDS FOR AN AT HOME

The cards for an “At Home” are issued about ten days before the function. They bear the hostess’ name alone, unless her husband is to receive with her, in which case the card may bear the two names, as “Mr. and Mrs. James Smith.” The average American man does not, however, figure at his wife’s “At Homes” when these are held in the afternoon. The exigencies of counting-room and office hold him in thrall too often for him to be depended on for such an occasion.

A plain, heavy cream card, simply engraved, is now used for most formal invitations in preference to the engraved notes that were the rule ten years ago.

The card bears in the lower right-hand corner the address of the entertainer; in the lower left-hand corner the date and the hours of the affair,—as “Wednesday, October the nineteenth,” and under this “From four until seven o’clock.”

If the tea be given in honor of a friend, or to introduce a stranger, the card of this person is enclosed with that of the hostess, if the affair be rather informal. If, however, it be a formal reception it is well to have engraved upon the card of the hostess, directly under her own name, “To meet Miss Smith.”

If a woman wishes to be at home for a guest unexpectedly arrived, and there is not time for the engraving of cards, or if she prefers to be informal, she may simply use her visiting-card, writing the name of her guest beneath her own, and adding the date on which she will receive, and the hours, in the lower left-hand corner. It is understood, of course, that abbreviations—with the exception of “P. p. c.” and “R. s. v. p.”—are never to be used on invitations and social notes.

The recipient, if sending cards instead of attending, encloses a card for the guest or friend whom she has been invited to meet.

THE EVENING RECEPTION

The cards for an evening reception may be issued in the same style. If not, they are in the form of a regular invitation, and in the third person, as:

“Mr. and Mrs. James Smith
Request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs.
Brown’s company
On Wednesday evening, October the nineteenth,
From eight to eleven o’clock.
2 West Clark Street.”

If this formal invitation bears “R. s. v. p.” in one corner, it should be accepted in the same person in which it is written, thus:

“Mr. and Mrs. John Brown accept with pleasure Mr. and Mrs. Smith’s invitation for Wednesday evening, October the nineteenth.”

The reply to an invitation, whether formal or informal, should, to guard against misunderstanding, always explicitly repeat the date and the hour.

It is hardly to be supposed that any person who reads this book will be guilty of the outrageous solecism of signing his or her name to an invitation written in the third person. But such things have been done!

ABBREVIATIONS AND FIGURES

The letters “R. s. v. p.” are often written or engraved entirely in capitals. This is incorrect. Some people prefer to dispense with them altogether and to express themselves in the simpler fashion, “The favor of an answer is requested.” It will be noticed that figures are avoided. The day of the week, and such words as “street” and “avenue” must appear in full. Some people even write out the year in words, but this looks heavy. Never use “City” or “Town” on an envelope in place of the name of the city.

To announce an “At Home” through the newspapers is to be avoided. In case of the sudden descent of a friend who will remain for two or three days only it may be done. In that case one must add that there are no invitations, otherwise one’s friends may not understand.

DANCES AND TEAS

Invitations to dances are often issued in the same form as those to teas, with “Dancing” written or engraved in the corner of the card. As with teas, so with evening receptions, a declinature must be sent in the shape of a card delivered on the day of the function. The custom that some persons follow of writing “Regrets” on such a card is not good form.

An invitation to a card-party, no matter how informal, always demands an answer, as the entertainer wishes to know how many tables to provide, and the number of players she can count on.

Cards to church weddings demand no answer unless the wedding be a small one and the invitations are written by the bride or one of the relatives, in which case the acceptance or regret must be written at once, and thanks expressed for the honor. A “crush” church wedding is the one function that demands no reply of any kind. If one can go, well and good. If one does not go one will not be missed from the crowd that will throng the edifice. An invitation to a home wedding or a breakfast demands an answer and thanks for the honor.

ADDRESSING THE ENVELOPES

While on the subject of invitations to large or formal affairs, it may be well to touch on a point concerning which many correspondents write letters of agonized inquiry,—the addressing of envelopes to the different members of a family. The question, “May one invitation be sent to an entire family, consisting of parents, sons and daughters?” is asked again and again. To each of these an emphatic “No!” is the answer. If any person is to be honored by an invitation to a function, he should be honored by an invitation sent in the proper way. One card should be sent to “Mr. and Mrs. Blank”; another to the “Misses Blank,” still another to each son of the family. One can foresee the day when each unmarried daughter will expect her own card, so rapidly is feminine individuality developing. Each invitation is enclosed in a separate envelope, but, if desired, all these envelopes may be enclosed in a larger outer one addressed to the head of the house.

The most important invitation,—one demanding an immediate answer,—is that to a dinner or luncheon, be this formal or informal. For stately formal dinners, engraved invitations in the third person are sent. But it is quite as good form, and in appearance much more hospitable and complimentary, for the hostess herself to write personal notes of invitation to each guest. These may be in the simplest language, as:

“My dear Miss Dorr:

“Will you give Mr. Brown and myself the pleasure of having you at dinner with us on Thursday evening, December the sixth? We sincerely hope that you will be among those whom we see at our table that night. Dinner will be served at seven o’clock.

“Cordially yours,
“Louise Brown.”

An invitation to a married woman should always include herself and her husband, but it is addressed to her because it is the woman who is supposed to have charge of the social calendar of the family. This note may read:

“My dear Mrs. Aikman:

“Will you and Mr. Aikman honor us by being our guests at dinner on Thursday evening, December the sixth, at seven o’clock? Sincerely hoping to see you at that time, I remain,

“Cordially yours,
“Louise Brown.”

THE SINGLE MAN

A note of invitation to a single man is written in the same way. If the dinner be given to any particular guest or guests, this fact should be mentioned in the invitation. As, for instance, “Will you dine with us to meet Mr. and Mrs. Barrows,” and so forth.

Single men who are warmly appreciative of dinner invitations and who foresee no opportunity in the near future to return the hospitality offered to them, frequently send a box of flowers to their hostess on the day of her entertainment.

THE INVITATION TO DINNER

As soon as practicable after the receipt of a dinner invitation, the recipient should write a cordial note. If accepting she should express thanks and the pleasure she (or her husband and she) will take in being present at the time mentioned. As a rule the decision to accept or decline should be as absolute as it is immediate. Only the greatest intimacy and extraordinary circumstances warrant the request that an invitation be held open even for a day. The hostess must make her arrangements and she can not do so until she has heard definitely from all those she has asked.

If a declinature is necessary, let it be in the form of a recognition of the honor conveyed in the invitation, and genuine regret at the impossibility of accepting it. This may be worded somewhat in the following way:

“My dear Mrs. Brown:

“Mr. Aikman and I regret sincerely that a previous engagement makes it impossible for us to accept your delightful invitation for December the sixth. We thank you for counting us among those who are so happy as to be your guests on that evening, and only wish that we could be with you.

“Cordially and regretfully yours,
“Jane Aikman.”

DINNER ENGAGEMENTS BINDING

No matter how informal a dinner is to be, if the invitation is once accepted, nothing must be allowed to interfere with one’s attendance unless one is so ill that one’s physician absolutely forbids one leaving the house.

Some wit said that a man’s only excuse for non-attendance at such a function is his death, in which case he should send his obituary notice as an explanation. Certain it is that nothing short of one’s own severe illness or the dangerous illness of a member of the family should interfere with one’s attendance at a dinner. Should such a contingency arise, a telegram or telephone message should be sent immediately that the hostess may try to engage another guest to take the place of the one who is unavoidably prevented from being present.

When it becomes necessary to ask a guest to fill such a vacancy, the hostess will do best to explain the situation frankly, while the guest on his part need feel no slight at the lateness of his invitation. A clever woman always has several persons on whom she can rely for such emergencies and whose good nature she does not fail to reward.

THE LUNCHEON

All the rules that apply to the sending and receiving of invitations to a dinner prevail with regard to a luncheon. It is next in importance as a function, and the acceptance or declinature of a letter requesting that one should attend it must be promptly despatched.

In planning any social affair the hostess should think twice about asking together people who have for a long time lived in the same neighborhood or who are old residents of the city in any part but who are not apparently in the habit of seeing one another. Sometimes it is safer to ask one’s prospective guests outright if it will be agreeable for them to meet.

Before closing this chapter we should like to remind the possible guest that an invitation is intended as an honor. The function to which one is asked may be all that is most boring, and the flesh and spirit may shrink from attending it. But if one declines what is meant as a compliment, let one do so in a manner that shows one appreciates the honor intended. To decline as if the person extending the invitation were a bit presumptuous in giving it, or to accept in a condescending manner, is a lapse that shows a common strain under a recently-acquired polish. A thoroughbred accepts and declines all invitations as though he were honored by the attention. In doing so he shows himself worthy to receive any compliment that may under any circumstances be extended to him. Would that more of the strugglers up Society’s ladders would appreciate this truth!

If a woman wishes to give any other special form of entertainment than a dance, she writes the suitable word, “Music,” “Bridge,” “Garden-party,” etc., in place of the word “Dancing.”

For a dinner dance one sends a note or an engraved card with “Dancing at ten” or “Cotillion at eleven” in the corner, to the comparatively small number asked to dine. The guests asked for the dance receive only an “At Home” card, with the announcement “Dancing at ten” in the corner.

THE TEA-DANCE

The tea-dance or thé-dansant has recently been revived. This calls for an “At Home” card and the word “Dancing” in the corner. It is merely an ordinary afternoon tea at which space and music are provided for the young people to whirl about.

Some people who entertain formally a great deal keep on hand a supply of large engraved cards with a space left blank in which the name of the guest is written. This is certainly a time-saving custom, but the appearance of such a card is less elegant than one wholly engraved, while on the other hand it lacks the real cordiality of the written note. Aiming at a combined effect, it hardly achieves either of the things desired.

A minor but amusing blunder sometimes made by thoughtless persons consists in inviting guests “for” dinner. The ducks and salad, ices and cakes are for dinner; the guests should be asked to it.

A woman may take an out-of-town visitor to any large affair without obtaining permission beforehand, but she will of course, in speaking to her hostess, express appreciation of the pleasant opportunity thus afforded to her guest.

CARDS AFTER A DEATH

After a death has taken place, one will not for a month or six weeks intrude on the seclusion of the family by sending any social invitations. After that time, however, they should be sent as usual. It is the personal privilege of the bereaved to determine how soon and to what extent they will resume their relations with society. If one is in mourning one can not of course with propriety become a member of any gay company, but nowadays mourning is not always assumed even by the most grievously stricken. If such persons find their burden more easily borne by the resumption, as far as may be, of their normal activities, it is the part of kindness to aid them in making this resumption as easy and natural as possible.

It is now considered correct to send all invitations by mail, though in some southern places the more elegant—if difficult—method of delivering them by the hand of a servant is still cherished. Many informal invitations are now extended by telephone.

HOW INVITATIONS BEGIN

Dinner and wedding invitations and cards for evening receptions are issued in the names of both host and hostess. For a ball or a garden-party the name of the hostess may appear alone, though this is not usual. A young girl should never announce any but the smallest and most informal parties in her own name. Yet many young girls do so, ignoring their mothers and contributing unwittingly to our national reputation for bad manners.

A bishop and his wife, if they are issuing cards to a large reception, often do it in this way: “The Bishop of Indiana and Mrs. Hereford request the honor,” etc.

An invitation should never begin “You are cordially invited,” etc. It should always be issued in the name of some person or persons. “The Men’s Club invites you” or “The Diocesan Society requests the honor of” is good form.

CHAPTER II
CARDS AND CALLS

THE styles of calling-cards change from year to year, even from season to season, so that it is impossible to make hard-and-fast rules as to the size and thickness of the bits of pasteboard, or the script with which they are engraved. Any good stationer can give one the desired information on these points.

In choosing a card plate it is well to select a style of script so simple yet elegant that it will not be outré several seasons hence, unless one’s purse will allow one to revise one’s plate with each change of fashion. It should not be necessary to remark that a printed card is an atrocity. Even a man’s business-card should be engraved, not printed.

It is no longer considered proper for one card to bear the husband’s and wife’s names together, as was a few years ago the mode, thus,—“Mr. and Mrs. Charles Sprague.” Still, some persons have a few cards thus marked and use them in sending gifts from husband and wife. As a rule, however, the husband’s card is enclosed in an envelope with that of his wife in sending gifts, regrets and the like.

THE CARD OF A MATRON

The card of a matron bears her husband’s full name unless she is a divorcée, thus,—“Mrs. George Williams Brown.” Even widows retain this style of address. In the lower right-hand corner is the address, and in the lower left-hand corner one’s “at home” days are named, as “Tuesdays until Lent,” or “Wednesdays in February and March,” or “Thursdays until May.”

Nicknames and abbreviations are for intimate use only and should never appear on cards or invitations. A girl should distinguish between “Kitty” and “Katharine,” “Sarah” and “Sallie.” However, in the south many girls are christened “Sallie,” and this is accepted as her full and proper name accordingly.

A young woman’s cards bear her name, “Miss Blank,” if she be the oldest or only daughter in the family. The address on her cards is in the lower left-hand corner. If she has an older sister the card reads “Miss Mary Hilton Blank.”

A man’s card is much smaller than that of a woman and often has no address on it, unless it be a business-card, which must never be used for social purposes. The “Mr.” is put before the signature as, “Mr. James John Smith.” By the time a boy is eighteen he is considered old enough to have his cards marked with the prefix “Mr.” Until that time, he is, on the rare occasions when he is formally addressed, “Master.”

THE USE OF TITLES

A clergyman’s card is correctly engraved thus: “The Reverend James Vernon Smith.” A bishop is entitled to the greater distinction, “The Right Reverend.” A physician or a judge may use his title or not as he prefers. Army and navy officers invariably employ theirs except when the rank is as low as that of a lieutenant, when the full name, prefixed by “Mr.” is used, and below it, “Lieutenant of Third Cavalry, United States Army.”

A woman with a daughter-in-law moving in society in the same city as herself may with propriety have her card engraved simply “Mrs. Brown.” Or she may follow the graceful foreign custom and be known as “Madame Brown,” which gives a pretty touch of dignity and makes it easy for callers to designate which of the two ladies they wish to see if both are living in the same house.

A married woman never takes her husband’s title, no matter what that may be. She is never “Mrs. Judge ——” or “Mrs. Colonel ——.” Even the president’s wife is simply “Mrs. Cleveland” or “Mrs. Harrison.”

ADDRESSING THE PRESIDENT

In direct address, the president of the United States is “Mr. President.” The vice-president is “Mr. ——.” Members of the cabinet are “Secretary A.” or “Secretary B.,” when introduced, and are addressed as “Mr. Secretary.” Senators are always addressed by their titles, but representatives are “Mr.” Except in naval and military circles titles expire with office. The man who was governor or mayor last year should not be introduced as “Ex-governor ——,” “Ex-mayor ——.”

Perhaps there is no social obligation that is more neglected and ignored than that of calling at proper times and regular intervals. In the rush and hurry of American life, it is well-nigh impossible for the busy woman to perform her duty in this line unless she have a certain degree of system about it. To this end she should keep a regular calling-list or book, and pay strict heed to the debit and credit columns. It will require much management and thought to arrange her visits so that they will always fall on the “At Home” days of her acquaintances. When a woman has an “At Home” day it is an unwarrantable liberty for any one to call at any other time unless it be on business, or by special invitation, or permission. As many women have the same day at home one must limit the length of a call to fifteen or twenty minutes upon a casual acquaintance, never making it longer than half an hour even at the house of a friend.

HOW TO SAY GOOD-BY

One should learn to take one’s departure on a remark of one’s own, not hurrying away the moment one’s friend ceases to talk. On the other hand lingering good-bys in ordinary intercourse are a mistake and suggest that one lacks the finesse necessary to manage a polite withdrawal. An amusing story was told in a recent magazine—and vouched for as true—in which two young southern lads making their first formal call, were driven to stay all night because they could not get away—they were so timid.

Some persons seem to feel that there is a certain amount of pomp and circumstance about calling on an “At Home” day, and the novice in society asks timidly what she is to do at such a time. She is to do simply what she would do on any other day when she is sure of finding her hostess in and disengaged. The caller hands her card to the servant opening the door; then enters the parlor, greets her hostess, who will probably introduce her to any other guests who happen to be present, unless there be a large number of these, in which case she will probably be introduced to a few in her immediate vicinity. The caller will chat for a few minutes, take a cup of tea, coffee or chocolate offered her, with a biscuit, sandwich or piece of cake, or decline all refreshment if she prefers. At the end of fifteen or twenty minutes, she will rise, say “Good afternoon” to her hostess, murmur a “Good afternoon” to the company in general and take her departure. If her card has not been taken by the servant who opened the door for her, the caller may lay it on the hall table as she goes out.

REFRESHMENTS FOR CALLERS

When a woman is at home one day a week for several months, she is expected to make very little preparation in the way of refreshment for her chance guests. The tea tray is ready on the tea-table at one side of the room, and upon it are cups and saucers, teapot, canister and hot-water kettle. A plate of thin bread and butter, or sandwiches, or biscuits, and another of sweet wafers or fancy cakes, stand on this table. Sugar and cream and sliced lemon complete the outfit. The kettle is kept boiling that fresh tea may be made when required, and a servant enters when needed to take out the used cups. If there are many callers, the services of this maid may be required to assist in passing cups, and sugar and cream. Otherwise the hostess may attend to such matters herself, chatting pleasantly as she does so. It is not incumbent on a caller to take anything to eat or drink unless she wishes to do this. When one attends half-a-dozen such “At Homes” in an afternoon one would have to carry a bag like that worn by Jack the Giant-Killer of fairy lore, if one were to accept refreshments at each house. The hostess should, therefore, never insist that a guest eat and drink if she has declined to do so.

HOW MANY CARDS TO LEAVE

In calling on a married woman a matron leaves one of her own cards and two of her husband’s. Her card is for the hostess, one of her husband’s is for the hostess and the other for the man of the house. If there be several ladies in the family, as for instance, a mother and two daughters, the caller leaves one of her own and one of her husband’s cards for each woman, and an extra card from her husband for each man of the household.

This is the general rule, but it must have some exceptions. For instance, in a household where there are five or six women it is ridiculous to leave an entire pack of visiting-cards. In this case a woman leaves her card for “the ladies,” and leaves it with her husband’s, also for “the ladies.” One of his cards is also left for the man of the family. Or if there be several men it may be left simply for “the gentlemen.”

If one knows that there is a guest staying at a house at which one calls, one must send in one’s card for this guest. Or, if one have a friend staying in the same town with one, and one calls on her, it is a breach of good breeding not to inquire for the friend’s hostess and leave a card for her whether she appear or not.

When an engagement is made known the members of the man’s family should immediately call on his fiancée and her family, and a formal dinner should be given for them within two weeks.

THE BLACK-EDGED CARD

Custom clings to the black-edged card for those in mourning. It has its uses and surely its abuses. For those in deep mourning it is a convenience to send in the form of regrets, as the black edge gives sufficient reason in itself for the non-acceptance of invitations. It may also be sent with gifts to friends. If one uses it as a calling-card the border should be very narrow. If one is in such deep mourning that one’s card must appear with a half-inch of black around it, one is certainly in too deep mourning to pay calls. Until the black edge can be reduced to the less ostentatious eighth-of-an-inch width, the owner would do well to shun society.

Nor should a black-edged card accompany an invitation to a social function. Several seasons ago a matron introduced to society in a large city a niece who had, eighteen months before, lost a brother. With the hostess’ invitations to the reception was enclosed the card of the young guest, and this card had a black border an eighth of an inch wide. The recipients of the invitations were to be pardoned if they wondered a bit at the incongruity of a person in mourning receiving at a large party. Under the circumstances she should have declined to have the social function given in her honor, or should have laid aside her insignia of dolor.

If, then, one has reached the point where one is ready to reenter society, let one give up the mourning-cards and again use plain white bits of pasteboard.

CALLING AFTER A DEATH

In calling at a house after a bereavement, it is well, except when the afflicted one is an intimate friend, to leave the card with a message of sympathy at the door. One may, if one wishes, leave flowers with the card. A fortnight after the funeral one may call and ask to see the ladies of the family, adding that if they do not feel like seeing callers they will please not think of coming down. Under such circumstances only a supersensitive person will be hurt by receiving the message that the ladies beg to be excused, and that they are grateful for the kind thought that prompted the call.

The rule that we have just given applies to the household in which there is serious illness. A call may consist of an inquiry at the door, and leaving a card. This may be accompanied by some such message as, “Please express my sincere hope that Mrs. Smith will soon be better, and assure Mr. Smith that if I can be of any service to him, or Mrs. Smith, I shall be grateful if he will let me know.”

MAKING PARTY CALLS

One should always return a first call within three weeks after it has been made. After a dinner, luncheon or card-party, a call must be made within a fortnight. An afternoon tea requires no “party call.” After a large reception one may call within the month. After a wedding reception one must call within a fortnight on the mother of the bride, and on the bride on her “At Home” day as soon as possible after her return from the wedding trip. If one is in doubt as to the propriety of calling after an invitation, it is better to err on the side of making the call. One’s courteous intention will surely be appreciated while not to call may seem an unpardonable omission.

In the case of an invitation extended without a first call having been made, women sometimes express doubt as to the course they should pursue. In the first place they will do well to realize that some of the people who entertain most delightfully are extremely busy people to whom the rigid routine of formal etiquette would be an intolerable burden. A clever woman is known by nothing more certainly than by the unerring instinct with which she relaxes her demands in such instances. If the woman who wishes to entertain encloses her own card this may be accepted as a substitute for the usual first call. The social value of one dinner invitation transcends many calls. Even if the visiting-card is not enclosed the recipient of the invitation will—if she be a sensible woman—accept if she really wishes to do so. At this point, however, social usage should begin to assert itself and the invited one should not fail to make the customary call of appreciation after the “party.” If one does not wish to make the acquaintance offered a formal note of declination will serve to discourage further intrusion.

EXCEPTIONS TO SOCIAL RULES

A rather surprising question sometimes asked is whether one should call after a dinner or dance invitation that has been declined. Certainly, the call should be made. One has been honored by one’s friends and the fact that one was prevented by circumstances from actually enjoying their hospitality makes no difference whatever with one’s responsibility for expressing appreciation.

A card with a message written on it fills many convenient social needs but it should never be used to take the place of a formal note. So employed it suggests haste and a degree of indifference that are contrary to the best breeding. The corners of cards are no longer turned down for any purpose.

If one, on calling, is told by the servant opening the door that “Mrs. Brown is not at home,” this does not mean literally that Mrs. Brown is of necessity out of the house, neither does it mean that the servant has been instructed to tell an untruth. “Not at home” is an accepted abbreviation for “Not at home to visitors.” There are those to whom the phrase will, however, always have a disagreeable ring, and if Mrs. Brown have more tact and originality than the conventions demand she will probably direct her maid to say instead, “Mrs. Brown is not receiving to-day. She receives on Mondays.”

WHO SHOULD CALL FIRST

Who calls first? The custom of residents calling on the newcomer is so firmly established in almost all communities that one may wonder at the question being asked. Yet in Washington—that is to say, in official Washington, this custom is reversed, and it is the newcomer who calls at the White House, on the vice-president, members of the cabinet, etc. In the case of the highest officials a return call is not expected but the courtesy is recognized by an invitation to some general reception.

CUSTOM IN SMALL TOWNS

The hours for calling vary according to the community one is in—though no afternoon call should be made before three o’clock. In small towns and villages where supper is eaten at six o’clock, one should not prolong a call after five-thirty. Evening calls in most American cities are usually made at eight o’clock or soon after, though in large eastern places where dinner is not served until seven, seven-thirty or eight, the nine o’clock call is not unusual.

Calls on the sick should be made with the greatest discretion. One should ascertain in the first place whether or not one’s friend will really be equal to seeing one, and then stay for a few moments only. Sick-bed visits especially should not be allowed to become visitations. Many a person with a chance for recovery has literally been talked into his grave by well-meaning callers. Intelligent nurses will quietly ask such people to remain away.

CHAPTER III
LETTER-WRITING

THE writing of letters, of the good old-fashioned kind, is rapidly becoming a thing of the past. People used to write epistles. Now they write notes. Before the days of the stenographer, the typewriter, the telegraph and telephone, when people made their own clothes by hand, wove their own sheets and had no time-saving machines, they found leisure to write epistles to their friends. Some of us are so fortunate as to have stowed away in an old trunk a bundle of these productions. The ink is pale and the paper yellowed, but the matter is still interesting. All the news of the family, the neighborhood gossip, the latest sayings and doings of the children and of callers, an account of the books read, of the minister’s last sermon and of the arrival of the newest of many olive branches, filled pages. What must these same pages have meant to the exile from home! And how much there was in such letters to answer!

Still, even in this day and generation, there are a few people who have so far held to the good old traditions that they write genuine letters. And—wonder of wonders!—they answer questions asked them in letters written by their correspondents. Only those who have written questions to which they desired prompt answers, appreciate how maddening it is to receive a letter that tells you everything except the answers to your queries. And this ignoring of the epistle one is supposed to be answering is a feature of the up-to-date letter-writer. There is, even in friendly correspondence, a right and a wrong way of doing a thing.

HOW NOT TO WRITE

The wrong, and well-nigh universal, way of treating a letter is as follows: It is read as rapidly as possible, pigeonholed and forgot. Weeks hence, in clearing out the desk it is found, the handwriting recognized, and it is laid aside to be answered later. When that “later” comes depends on the leisure of the owner. At last a so-called answer is hastily written without a second reading of the letter to which one is replying. Such a reply begins with an apology for a long and unavoidable silence, an account of how cruelly busy one is nowadays, a passing mention of the number of duties one has to perform, a wish that the two correspondents may meet in the near future and a rushing final sentence of affection followed by the signature. Such is the modern letter.

If a correspondent is worth having, she is worth treating fairly. Let her letter be read carefully, and laid aside until such time as one can have a half-hour of uninterrupted writing. Then, let the letter one would answer be read, and the questions it contains be answered in order, and first of all. This is common courtesy. After which one may write as much as time and inclination permit. If one has not the time to conduct one’s correspondence in this way, let one have fewer correspondents. It is more fair to them and to one’s self.

THE GOOD-LOOKING NOTE

Colored letter-paper is in bad form unless the color be a pale gray or a light blue. From time to time, stationers have put upon the market paper outré in design and coloring, and the persons who have used it were just what might be expected. It reminds one of what Richard Grant White said of the words “gents” and “pants”—he noticed “that the one generally wore the other.” So, paper that is such bad form as this is usually used by persons who are “bad form.” All good-looking notes have a considerable margin at the left hand; punctilious people insist on a right-hand margin also.

SEALING THE ENVELOPE

Plain white or cream paper of good quality is always in fashion. For social correspondence this paper must be so cut that it is folded but once to be slipped into an envelope. At the top of the page in the middle may be the address, as “123 West Barrows Street,” and the name of the city. Just now, this is the only marking that is used on the sheet, although some persons have the initials or monogram, or crest, in place of the address. It is no longer fashionable to have the crest or monogram and the address also. The envelope is marked or not, as one chooses. The use of sealing-wax gives a touch of distinction for which a few persons still take time. Only white or delicately colored wax is acceptable, unless at holiday time, when the festive touch given by scarlet is in season.

Letter-heads, such as are used for business correspondence, should never be used for social purposes. Even the business man may keep in his office desk a quire or two of plain paper upon which to write society notes and replies to invitations. Nor is it permissible for him to use the typewriter in inditing these. All his business correspondence may be conducted with the aid of the invaluable machine, and he may, if he ask permission to do so, send letters to members of his own family on the typewriter. But all other correspondence should be done with pen and ink.

Unfortunately, mourning stationery is still in vogue. The recipient of a black-edged letter is often conscious of a distinct shock when she first sees the emblem of dolor, and wonders if it contains the notice of a death. For this reason many considerate followers of conventionalities do not use the black-edged stationery, but content themselves with plain white paper marked with the address or monogram in black lettering.

A social or friendly letter is frequently dated at the end, at the left-hand lower corner of the signature. A business communication is dated at the upper right-hand corner.

ADDRESSING BUSINESS FIRMS

The expression “My dear Mr. Blank” is more formal than is “Dear Mr. Blank,” and is, therefore, used in society notes. Do not—as some have done—begin “dear” with a capital. Unsophisticated persons sometimes hesitate to use the prefix “dear,”—they may be assured that in this connection it is merely a polite form, with no sentimental flavor whatever. Business letters addressed to a man should begin with the name of the person to whom they are intended on one line, the salutation on the next, as: “Mr. John Smith” on the upper line, and below this, “Dear Sir.” In addressing a firm consisting of more than one person, write the name of the firm, as “Smith, Jones and Company,” then below, “Dear Sirs.” The salutation “Gentlemen” in such a case is old-fashioned but is preferred by some ceremonious persons who also like to put “Esq.” after a man’s name on an envelope in place of putting “Mr.” before it.

THE SIGNATURE

It should be unnecessary to remind women not to preface their signatures with the title “Mrs.” or “Miss.” Such a mistake stamps one as a vulgarian or an ignoramus. The name in full may be signed, as: “Mary Bacon Smith.” If the writer be a married woman, and the person to whom she writes does not know whether she be married or single, she should write her husband’s name with the preface “Mrs.” below her signature, or in the lower left-hand corner of the sheet, as (“Mrs. James Hayes Smith”). An unmarried woman will save her correspondent embarrassment by putting “Miss Brown” in parentheses in this corner.

To sign one’s name prefaced by the first letter is no longer considered good form. “J. Henry Wells” should be “John Henry Wells.” If one would use one initial letter instead of the full name, let that letter be the middle initial, as “John H. Wells,” or “J. H. Wells.”

THE POSTAL CARD

I wish I could impress on all followers of good form that a postal card is a solecism except when used for business purposes. If it is an absolute necessity to send one to a friend or a member of one’s family, as, when stopping for a moment at a railroad station one wishes to send a line home telling of one’s safety at the present stage of the journey, the sentences should be short and to the point, and unprefaced by an affectionate salutation. All love-messages should be omitted, as should the intimate termination that is entirely proper in a sealed letter. “Affectionately” or “Lovingly” are out of place when written upon a postal card. Expressions such as “God bless you!” or “I love you,” or “Love to the dear ones,” are in shockingly bad taste except under cover of an envelope. A good rule to impress on those having a penchant for the prevalent post-card is as follows: “Use for business when brevity and simplicity are the order of the day; never use for friendly correspondence unless the purchase of a sheet of paper, envelope and postage stamp is an impossibility.”

The friendly letter may be as long as time and inclination permit. The business communication should be written in as few and clear sentences as possible. Some one has said that to write a model business letter one should “begin in the middle of it.” In other words, it should be unprefaced by any unnecessary sentences, but should begin immediately on the business in hand, continue and finish with it. For such letters “Very truly yours” is the correct ending, unless, as in the case of a man or firm addressing a letter to a person totally unknown to the writer, and of marked eminence, when the expression “Respectfully yours” may be used.

LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE

Many people consider letters of congratulation and condolence the most difficult to write. This is because one feels that a certain kind of form is necessary and that conventional and stilted phrases are proper under the circumstances. This is a mistake, for, going on the almost unfailing principle that what comes from the heart, goes to the heart, the best form to be used toward those in sorrow or joy is a genuine expression of feeling. If you are sorry for a friend, write to her that you are, and that you are thinking of her and longing to help her. If you are happy in her happiness, say so as cordially as words can express it.

It happens now and then that even the quietest person wishes to write to a man of political prominence. Such persons, whether they be diplomats or members of Congress, may properly be addressed as “Honorable Mr. ——.” The president is “The Honorable, the President of the United States.” To use the article before the title is more elegant. Bishops of any church are entitled to the prefix, “The Right Reverend.” In conversation, the rector of a “high” Episcopal church is often affectionately addressed as “Father ——,” but this form of greeting would not be used on an envelope. The dean of a cathedral should be addressed as “The Very Reverend ——.”

Very small paper and envelopes for society notes are less used than formerly, many persons preferring what are called correspondence cards, heavy cream-white single cards on which a few lines may be written and which are slipped into their envelopes without folding.

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION

Letters of introduction should bear on the outside of the envelope, in the lower left-hand corner the words, “Introducing Miss ——,” in order that the two thus brought together may be saved any momentary embarrassment. They should not be sealed. One should be very careful not to give these letters unless one is reasonably warranted in making a demand on the time and courtesy of the person on whom one is making the social draft. To give one’s card by way of introduction makes less of a demand on one’s friend than does a letter. A woman does not present a letter of introduction in person; a man does.

When one avails one’s self of a member of one’s family or a friend as messenger, one should write on the envelope in the lower left-hand corner, “Kindness of Mary” or “Politeness of Miss Briggs.”

ENCLOSING A STAMP

We can not close this chapter on letter-writing without a word to the person who writes a letter asking a question on his own business, and fails to enclose a stamp. This is equivalent to asking the recipient on whom one has no claim to give one the time required for writing an answer to one’s query, and a two-cent stamp as well. When the matter on which one writes is essentially one’s own business, and not that of the person to whom one writes and from whom one demands a reply, one should always enclose a stamp, thus making the favor one asks of the least possible trouble to one’s correspondent. Some people enclose a stamped and self-addressed envelope but as the other person’s paper may not fit the envelope, the well-meant courtesy often defeats itself.

PROMPTNESS IN ANSWERING

In all business and society correspondence a letter should be answered as soon as possible after it is received. One may afford to take a certain amount of liberty with one’s friends, and lay aside a letter for some days before answering it. But the acceptance or declinature of an invitation, and the answer to a business communication, should be sent with as little delay as possible.

CHAPTER IV
INTRODUCTIONS

THIS matter of introductions is one rather too lightly considered on our free American soil. Unless the social exigencies are such as to make the atmosphere formal and unpleasant if people are unknown to each other, it is taking a liberty to present a man to a woman without first and privately asking her permission. It is a woman’s privilege to decline or to accept masculine acquaintance as she chooses. If she grants permission for the introduction, the person who has asked such permission brings the man in question to her and says: “Miss A., may I have the pleasure of presenting Mr. B. to you?” We have all been witnesses at some time or other of that most unconventional performance where the woman in the case allows herself to be dragged across the floor to the man concerned. We have all, on occasion, heard the proper form so twisted as to make the woman the person presented instead of the man. This is the worst sort of no-form. The social convention prescribes that the man shall take the initiative in requesting the introduction, that he shall seek the lady, that he shall be the person presented.

INTRODUCING ONE’S HUSBAND

An American woman in presenting her husband will usually say, “My husband, Mr. Smith.” An English woman would be more formal. She would say simply, “Mr. Smith.” When a man is presented to a woman, if she is seated she need not rise but may merely bow. In case the man is distinguished or elderly or if he be a warm friend of her husband, or her guest, she will rise and shake hands.

Never awkwardly drag a newcomer around to every person in a large circle. Introduce him to several of those nearest and later such further introductions as are desirable will naturally follow. When the group includes a half-dozen only, it is necessary to introduce all round. In this case the ceremony may be gracefully shortened by repeating two or three names together, thus: “Mrs. Brown, Mrs. Smith, may I present Mr. James?”

Never introduce your sister or your daughter, if she be grown, merely as such. The other person will be confused, not knowing whether the one introduced is married or single, and hence in doubt as to what name to use.

CLERICAL INTRODUCTIONS

At a reception given to an archbishop of the Roman Catholic church, it is customary for devout Catholics to kiss the ring but Protestants may merely shake hands. A cardinal ranks as a prince of the Roman Catholic church and is addressed as “His Eminence.” Women as well as men are presented to him, not he to them. A woman is also presented to a bishop.

When two women of about equal age and importance are to be introduced merely mention the two names, thus: “Mrs. A., Mrs. B.” The general rule in all introductions is to present the woman to the man, the young man or young woman to the elderly, the unmarried woman to the matron, when of about the same age. One may say “May I present” or with two men of near the same age, “I want you to know.” Never say, “Let me make you acquainted with.” That is provincial.

ADDRESSING THE QUEEN

The American who goes abroad expecting to be presented at court must, of course, acquaint himself with the etiquette of that court. He will receive such advice as he needs from his ambassador but it may be useful for him to know ahead of time some of the things that are required of him, or more precisely of her, for court presentations are much more coveted and sought after by American women than by men. However, it is understood that a man whose wife has been presented is himself eligible to attend the king’s next reception for gentlemen only. The English queen is addressed simply as “Ma’am” by all Americans who have the honor of presentation. King George would be addressed as “Sir.” The Prince of Wales is “Prince” and his wife “Princess.” The phrase “Your Majesty” is reserved for use by the lower English classes. An American, by virtue of his having no rank at all, takes rank with the highest when he is introduced at court. A duke is addressed simply as “Duke,” and a marquis by his title, “Lord ——.” The daughters of dukes, marquises and earls must be given their Christian names, as “Lady Mary Towers.” The sons should be addressed as “Lord John Towers,” “Lord Henry Towers.” An archbishop is properly addressed as “Your Grace” or “My Lord,” but his wife is plain “Mrs. ——.” Members of foreign royal families have the title of “Prince” and “Princess.”

A baron visiting in this country would be presented to the American ladies he meets quite like any other gentleman, and his wife would not take precedence of them unless she happened to be elderly.

When in a friend’s house one should bear in mind that introductions are the natural prerogative of the host and the hostess. One should not, however, allow an awkward situation to develop from a too rigid observance of this rule.

PROFESSIONAL MEN

Remember that many professional men do not like to be called “Professor” because of the cheap ways in which this title has in recent years been used. By a little tact in individual instances one can learn which is preferred—“Professor,” or “Mr.,” or “Doctor,” if the person in question be entitled to that distinction.

In making introductions a clever man or woman often adds a word of comment that will help the two meeting to start their acquaintance on a friendly and intelligent basis.

CHAPTER V
AFTER SIX O’CLOCK

FOR most of us the active business of the day is over at sundown. Mothers of large families, physicians and occasionally other workers are employed over time; but most of us can count on leisure after six o’clock. Much of our happiness depends upon how this leisure is employed. That it should afford recreation of one sort or another is a commonly accepted opinion, though one that is accepted usually without appreciation of the obligations involved. Recreation implies something more than idleness. One can not be amused in any worth-while sense without sitting up and paying attention. Foreigners complain habitually that Americans take their pleasure sadly, that they do not go in for gaiety with spirit. We are much more vital in our attitude toward work than toward play. We know that we must pay for success in labor of any sort, but the debt we owe to amusement is a point not yet so widely grasped. Pleasure is shy of the person who makes only occasional advances to her. She must be courted habitually in order to give a full return. We are all acquainted with the dull unhappy appearance of the sedulous man of business off for a rare holiday. He is out of his element. He knows how to behave himself at work but he is not acquainted with the fundamental principles of having a good time. These can not be learned in a minute. One must have practise in enjoyment in order to carry off the matter easily; and this practise should be a habit of every-day life. Many people who stand shyly off from the delights of the world and wonder why they are deprived of them, fail to realize that diversion of any sort worthy the name, is a thing for which one must make some effort.

HOME FESTIVITY

It is at home that one should cultivate the graces that make one attractive abroad; and this is only preliminary to saying that planning for the every-day recreation of a household should be as much a matter of course as devising ways and means for the purchase of food and clothing.

The first requisite for bringing about an atmosphere of festivity and good cheer at home is to adopt in some degree the methods that one uses away from home. If one is invited out to dinner, one makes some preparation for it, and so one should do for dinner at home. Externals have much to do with coaxing gaiety to live as a guest in the house. A pretty table and food managed with some regard to esthetic values as well as to the palatable quality, have a happy effect upon the mind and temper of the diners. A few flowers properly distributed assist still further. If all the inmates of a house are in the habit, as they should be, of making some change in their toilet for dinner, this of itself makes a sharp line of demarcation between the work-time and the play-time of the twenty-four hours. The hint of festivity in attire induces a happy and a festive frame of mind, imparts just that touch of difference from the habit of prosaic daylight necessary to send the mind sailing off into pleasant channels.

THE HOME DINNER

The care for the dinner-table, for the personal appearance and, generally speaking, for pretty environment implies effort. Lazy people can not hope for these delightful effects of a material kind. Neither can they expect the happiness which comes to those who take some pains at home for the mental entertainment of themselves and their household. There are many people who regard it as deceitful and insincere to forecast what one shall talk about and it is quite true that formally planned talk is a foe to spontaneity and naturalness. But usually the man or woman who entertains by his conversation is the person who, in a general way, has taken some thought about what he shall say. Given the opportunity, conversation, charming in its spontaneity, rises out of the mental habit of noting down for future reference pleasant or odd personal experiences, good stories, the quirks in one’s own mind. One must not intrude these in a place where they do not fit, but it is not in the least a social sin to guide the talk toward your own thought provided you do not thereby push out something better. We are all given tongues and with them a certain conversational responsibility. If each member of the family made it his business and his pleasure during the day to remember the best part of his experience that he might relate it at the dinner-hour some part of that gloom which descends upon so many American families at the evening meal would be dissipated.

THE TIME FOR PLAY

If one cultivates the prettier touches of personal appearance for that part of the day after six o’clock, whether at home or abroad, one should also cultivate the pleasanter and more agreeable states of mind. Business should be put behind one. The petty cares of the day should go unmentioned. The ills of body and mind should be, as far as possible, forgot. Those little courtesies and formalities of manner that we admire in the practised man or woman of society are as decorative at home as away and equally creative of a festive atmosphere. In one of the magazines of the last decade there is a homely effective story of a young girl, just home from a house-party and full of its gaiety, to whom the idea occurred that the methods employed by her hostess might make a delightful week in her own large family circle. She took the matter in hand, and invited her mother to be the guest of honor for the seven days. Some entertainment was planned for each evening in the week, sometimes with visitors and sometimes not. The women of the family wore their best frocks frequently during the week. The prettiest china and the best silver were used as freely as if for company. The result of it all was that the family voted visiting at home a signal success.

GAMES AS A PASTIME

There are many specific ways of providing amusement for evenings at home. One has space only for the mention of a few of these in a short article on the subject. Games of various kinds are an excellent resource for making the after-dinner time pass pleasantly. They cultivate quickness of decision, sociability, a friendly rivalry. Success in games is partly a matter of chance but much more of attention and skill. Many people sniff at them who are too lazy to make the conquest of their methods.

Charades, of which English people never grow tired, as a means of diversion, have their ups and downs in the more quickly changing fashions of America. They provide one of the easiest and merriest means of entertainment. They may be of any degree of simplicity or elaboration, and they call forth as much or as little ingenuity as is possessed by the actors in any given case. They are usually popular because almost everybody has latent a little talent for the actor’s art at which he is willing to try his luck. Many people who are afraid to join in formal theatricals find an outlet for this taste in charades; and so informal usually is this kind of entertainment that the spectators enjoy the acting whether well done or otherwise. It is enough to see one’s friends and acquaintances struggling with a part. If well done, one enjoys the success; if not, one applauds the absurdity of the conception.

READING ALOUD

Reading aloud to a congenial home party has much to be said in its favor, in spite of its present reputation as a stupid means of passing an evening. “The world may be divided into two classes,” runs an old and favorably known joke, “those who like reading aloud and those who do not. Those who like it are those who do the reading; those who dislike it are those who do the listening.” The half-truth in this witticism must not be accepted for more than it is worth. As an occasional means of passing an evening, reading aloud is diverting and stimulating. The habit of spending one’s evenings in that way is not an encouragement to variety and liveliness of mind. One gets into the way of depending upon the author in hand for entertainment instead of depending upon the action of one’s own mind. Small doses of reading aloud are good. Continual doses are fatal to a proper social ideal.

THE POPULAR HOUSE

The people who make their own houses a center of attraction are, generally speaking, happy people. The house where the evening is accepted as a time of diversion is the popular house. The atmosphere there begets gaiety and naturalness of manner. We have all had the experience of making evening calls where we were compelled to stand in the hall till the gas was lighted in the drawing-room or the electricity turned on, where we must pass a dreary fifteen minutes before the members of the family are ready to receive. This kind of preliminary puts a damper upon the spirits of host and guests from which they do not easily recover. To be ready for pleasant evenings, to meet them half-way by one’s attitude is a good recipe for insuring their arrival.

THE SUNDAY NIGHT SUPPER

A pleasant and informal method of insuring good times in one’s own house is to make a feature of the Sunday night supper. This is not so formal or expensive a mode of entertainment as dinner-giving. It is a jolly and pleasant method. One may have everything in the way of edibles prepared for the meal in the morning except perhaps one article to be made on the chafing-dish. One may serve this meal with or without servants. Often the guests enjoy the freedom implied in helping the hostess carry off successfully the details of serving. The Sunday evening supper is one of those festivities that imply some elasticity in numbers. This is the sort of meal to which the unexpected guest is welcome, at which the person who “happens in” may feel entirely at ease. Where there are young people in the house, the Sunday night supper is an especially popular institution. They appreciate the delights of entertaining without the care or the formality of more elaborate functions.

PRACTISING COURTESY

The ways of enjoying life away from home after six o’clock in the evening, readily suggest themselves. There are the various functions to which one is invited. There is the theater, the most delightful of resources, but unfortunately one which by reason of its expense is available frequently only by the rich. Receptions, dinners, card-parties and the theater all go to make this earth a more agreeable place to those who have the social instinct. But it must never be forgot that the fundamental place for the cultivation of this instinct is at home, which is the practise ground for formal and general society.

CHAPTER VI
FUNCTIONS

THE rules that apply to a dinner hold good at a luncheon, to which function ladies only are usually invited, although when served at twelve o’clock, and called “breakfast,” men are also bidden.

At a luncheon the women leave their coats in the dressing-room, wearing their hats and gloves to the table. The gloves are drawn off as soon as all are seated. Just why women elect to sit through an entire meal in a private house with their hats on is not readily explained and some independent hostesses request that hats be removed. But if they are retained, the gloves also should be worn to the table, not taken off up-stairs, as is often done. When the gloves are long, some women merely pull off the lower part and tuck it into the wrist, an ugly habit.

In giving luncheons, hostesses with beautifully polished tables often prefer to use doilies of linen or lace instead of a cloth. More precise women never serve a meal without using a table-cloth, but from an artistic point of view the shining surface of bare mahogany is charming.

Luncheon guests should remember that their hostess may have engagements for the late afternoon, and not ordinarily prolong their stay after three o’clock—if luncheon has been at one.

FORMAL RECEPTIONS

At an evening reception, the guests ascend to the dressing-rooms, if they wish, or may leave wraps in the hall, if a servant be there to take them. When one comes in a carriage with only an opera wrap over a reception gown, it is hardly worth while to mount the stairs. But this must be decided by the arrangements made by the entertainers. Before one enters the drawing-room one deposits one’s cards on the salver on the hall table. If there be a servant announcing guests the new arrival gives his name clearly and distinctly to this functionary, who repeats it in such a tone that those receiving may hear it. The guest enters the parlors at this moment, proceeds directly to his hostess, and after greeting her, speaks with each person receiving with her. He then passes on and mingles with the rest of the company.

An afternoon reception is conducted in the same manner, the only difference being that, at an evening function refreshments are more elaborate than at an afternoon affair, and frequently the guests repair to the dining-room, if this be large. At some day receptions, this is also done, but at a tea refreshments are usually passed in the drawing-rooms. A friend of the hostess usually pours the tea and the chocolate, and other friends are asked to assist. At successful receptions these ladies do not seek their especial friends among the guests, but are rather on the lookout for any who may be strange or timid.

CORRECT AFTERNOON DRESS

Refreshments so elaborate that they will spoil the appetite for dinner are not to be served at afternoon affairs. At the tea proper, only tea, bread and butter and little cakes are offered. If more than this is served the occasion is more properly called a reception. In any case the entertainment given in the afternoon should not take on the elaborate nature of an evening party and only in provincial communities is it allowed to do this. Many women in such places do not properly distinguish between afternoon and evening dress. While a woman may suitably wear before six a gown slightly low in the neck, she should not until after that hour wear one that is lower or whose sleeves do not come to the elbow.

The “high tea” is a sit-down affair, really a very late luncheon. It is said to have originated in Philadelphia and is, as one would expect, a formal stately affair with an elaborate menu. The guests have a delightful time—but do not want any dinner that evening.

HOW TO REVIVE FLOWERS

It is useful to know that when on the afternoon of a reception or dinner flowers intended for decoration arrive from the florist in a wilted condition they may often be revived by plunging the stems in boiling water.

At a very large reception it is not now required that one force one’s self on the attention of the hostess for the sake of taking formal leave. One may instead depart whenever one is ready to do so.

Music at a reception should not be so loud as to make talking difficult. In any but the largest houses a harp stationed in a side room or hall is ample. Foreigners find our babel of voices at such affairs subjects of criticism but often indeed one must shout if one is to be heard. Oliver Wendell Holmes is said to have described the average afternoon tea in four words, thus: “Gibble, gabble, gobble, git.” It can not be denied that they often merit the satire.

THE COMING-OUT PARTY

The “coming-out” party or reception, at which the débutante makes her entrance in the world of society, is conducted as is any other reception, but the débutante stands by her mother and receives with her. Each guest speaks some pleasant word of congratulation on shaking hands with the girl. Her dress should be exquisite, and she should carry flowers. These flowers are usually sent to her. When more are received than she can carry, they are placed about the room. If the coming-out party be in the evening, it is often followed by a dance for the young people.

In sending out invitations for such an affair, the daughter’s card is enclosed with that of the mother, or her name is engraved below that of her mother on the latter’s card.

One may leave such a function as has just been described as soon as one likes, and may take refreshments or not as one wishes. Just before departing the guest says good night to his hosts.

The hour at which one goes to a reception may be at any time between the hours named on the cards issued. One should never go too early, or, if it can be avoided, on the stroke of the first hour mentioned. If the cards read “eight-thirty to eleven o’clock,” any time after nine o’clock will be proper and one will then be pretty sure not to be the first arrival of the company.

A card-party is a function at which one should arrive with reasonable promptness. If the invitations call for eight-thirty, one must try not to be more than ten or fifteen minutes late, as the starting of the game will be thus delayed and the hostess inconvenienced. After the game is ended, refreshments are served, and as soon after that as one pleases one may take one’s departure.

SERENITY AT CARDS

It is surprising how many people, at other times well-bred, quite lose their tempers at bridge or whist. The scent of a prize seems to arouse in them a spirit of vulgarity one would not discredit them with possessing if one met them away from the card table. The only proper attitude in all games is one or serenity and courtesy no matter what unspeakable blunders your partner may commit.

The same rule of promptness applies to a musicale. After greeting the hostess, guests take the seats assigned to them, and chat with those persons near them until the program is begun. During the music not a word should be spoken. If one has no love for music, let consideration for others cause one to be silent. If this is impossible, it is less unkind to send a regret than to attend and by so doing mar others’ enjoyment of a musical feast.

At a ball or large dance, one may arrive when one wishes. The ladies are shown to the dressing-room, then meet their escorts at the head of the stairs and descend to the drawing-rooms or dance-hall. Here the host and hostess greet one, after which one mingles with the company.

FILLING DANCE PROGRAMS

At a formal dance, programs or orders of dance are provided, each man and each woman receiving one as he or she leaves the dressing-room or enters the drawing-room. Upon this card a woman has inscribed the names of the various men who ask for dances. As each man approaches her with the request that he be given a dance, she hands him her card and he writes his name on it, then writes her name on the corresponding blank on his own card. As he returns her program to her the man should say “Thank you!” The woman may bow slightly and smile or repeat the same words.

No woman versed in the ways of polite society will give a dance promised to one man to another, unless the first man be so crassly ignorant or careless as to neglect to come for it. Should a man be guilty of this rudeness he can only humbly apologize and explain his mistake, begging to be taken again into favor. If he be sincere the woman must, by the laws of good breeding, consent to overlook his lapse, but she need not give him the next dance he asks for unless she believes him to be excusable.