E-text prepared by Richard Tonsing, David Edwards,
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Transcriber’s Note:

The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.

A LITTLE BOOK OF BORES

By OLIVER HERFORD

LONDON

GAY AND HANCOCK, LTD.

All Rights Reserved

A Little Book of Bores

A is the Autograph Bore

Whom Authors and Actors deplore,

Tho’ it’s evident quite

If the Dears ceased to write

They’d deplore even more than before.

B is a Bounder blasé

Who likes to appear quite au fait;

He purses his lips

As his Rhine wine he sips,

Tho’ he doesn’t know Hock from Tokay.

C’s a Critic. Far be it from me

With a time-honoured craft to make free.

All praise I accord

Good Critics—but lord!

What a Bore a bad Critic can be!

D is a Decadent Dreary

Whose Works are depressing and eerie;

If you ask his excuse

For existence, or use,

I’m afraid I can’t answer your query.

E is the Egotist dread

Who, as some one has happily said,

Will talk till he’s blue

About myself, when you

Want to talk about yourself instead.

F’s a Frankly Familiar Friend

Who loves free advice to extend;

He declares, for his part,

He knows nothing of Art,

But he thinks that your time you misspend.

G is a Grumbler gruff

Whom everything puts in a huff;

If he chances to gain

Heaven’s gate, he’ll complain

Of his Halo or Harp, like enough.

H is a Humorist glum.

Why sits he so silent and dumb?

He’s concocting some Gay

Impromptu to say

When the Opportune Moment shall come.

I’s the Intensely Intense

Who dilates on the Whither and Whence,

The Ego (or “I”),

And the Wherefore and Why,

Not to mention the Hither and Hence.

J is the “Johnnie”—a Thing

Much affected by Fairies who sing.

He is human in shape,

With the brain of an ape,

And generally tied to a string.

K is the Kaiser unnerving,

With the Terrible Moustache upcurving.

One man who can bore

A planet——and more

Is surely of mention deserving.

L’s the Loquacious variety,

That is found in all sorts of society.

He will drink in the sound

Of his own voice—till drowned

In a species of self-inebriety.

M’s a Methodical Man

Who prates with precision and plan.

Beware, how you balk

The stream of his talk,

Lest he go back to where he began.

N is a Newly-rich boor,

Whom no one pretends to endure.

Some cases with care

And complete change of Heir

Take three generations to cure.

O is an Optimist glad

Who doesn’t know how to be sad;

If he wakes up some day

In Hades, he’ll say,

“Well, really it isn’t so bad.”

P’s a Poetical bore

Who recites his own things by the score.

The ladies, poor dears,

Are all moved to tears,

While strong men are moved—to the door.

Q is a Quoter who’ll cite

His favourite authors all night.

Tho’ teeming with Thought,

Like the Moon he is naught

But a second-hand dealer in Light.

R’s a Rampant Reformer whose prose

Insures you a Health-giving doze.

You wouldn’t much mind

If he’d only be kind

And not slam the door when he goes.

S is a Satirist rude

Who subsists on Leguminous Food,

Which he shyly maintains

So enforces his brains,

Even Shakespeare beside him seems crude.

T is a Terrible Tot

Who says things he’d much better not.

A child of that age

Should be kept in a cage,

And fed—if at all—through a slot.

U is the Unco Guid Man,

And all his unspeakable clan,

With their Braw bonnie brae,

Bide a wee, Scots wha hae,

Aweel, Dinna ken, and Hoot man.

V is a Vain Virtuoso.

If you ask, “Pray what makes your hair grow so;

Do you think it a sign

Of Genius divine?”

He replies, “I don’t think so, I know so.”

W’s a Well-informed Wight

Who aims to set every one right;

If you chance to misspell

Or misquote, he will swell

With holy and chastened Delight.

X is Old Xmas, a dear

Old Impostor who comes once a year,

With wassail, and wishes,

And death-dealing dishes,

And chilblains, and chimes, and good cheer.

Y is a Yodler whose yell

Wakes the echo in mountain or fell.

“Poor Echo!” I say,

“To be wakened each day

By a sound like a Feline unwell.”

Z is a Zealot whose zeal

Takes the form of an “Urgent appeal.”

Tho’ you wriggle and squirm

And protest—he sits firm,

Till he lands you at last like an eel.

Richard Clay & Sons, Limited,

BREAD STREET HILL, E.C., AND

BUNGAY, SUFFOLK.

By OLIVER HERFORD

ARTFUL ANTICKS

By Oliver Herford. Illustrations on every page, attractively bound in cloth, 8 by 6¼ in., pp. 112, 2s.

⁂ Humorous verses and illustrations about Animals.

Queen—“This is one of the most delightfully whimsical collections of sketches with both pen and pencil which are always so dear to the hearts of children. Mr. Herford’s rhymes are full of that simple fun which it requires no effort to appreciate, and many of them are irresistibly ridiculous; while his graceful sketches show a high sense of genuine humour.”

THE BOLD BAD BUTTERFLY

Crown 8vo., with over 100 humorous illustrations, 2s.

London: GAY AND HANCOCK, Ltd.

TRANSCRIBER’S NOTE

1. Moved advertisement from p. [2] to [end].
2. Silently corrected typographical errors.
3. Retained anachronistic and non-standard spellings as printed.