Transcriber’s Note

Given the publication date (late 17th century), the capitalization, spelling and punctuation of the original, is variable, There are a number of instances where it is very likely a printer's error has been made, These have been corrected, and are summarized in the transcriber’s [note] at the end of the text.

Corrections appear in the text as corrected. The original text appears as a pop-up when the cursor hovers on the word or phrase.

There are several full page panelled illustrations, which were not included in the pagination, and have been moved slightly in the text in order to avoid falling within a paragraph. Each panel serves as illustration of a numbered chapter.

Several concessions to modernity are made. The text employed the long ‘s’ (‘ſ’), which has been rendered here as a modern ‘s’. Likewise the ligature of ‘ct’ is given as the two separate chararacters.

The cover image has been fabricated and is placed in the public domain. Each correction is linked to the summary in the text.

THE

English Rogue:

Continued in the Life of

MERITON LATROON

AND OTHER

EXTRAVAGANTS:

Comprehending the most Eminent

CHEATS

OF

BOTH SEXES.

Read, but do’nt Practice: for the Author findes,

They which live Honest have most quiet mindes.

The Third Part.

With the Illustration of Pictures to every

Chapter.

LONDON:

Printed by Anne Johnson for Fran. Kirkman, and

are to be sold at his Shop in Fan-Church

Street over against the Sign of the Robin

Hood neer Algate. 1674.

The Preface.

Gentlemen!

In the first impression of this third part, a large and as I thought a sufficient Apologie was made, for the Writing and publishing thereof. Wherefore I shall not enlarge at this time, onely tell you that you have here laid before you, a large Catalogue of all sorts of notorious Rogueries; your own consciences may serve as a finger in the Margin, pointing directly to the Guilt with which you are principally concern’d; to deal plainly with you, had I lived in a less wicked Age than this is, this Book had ne’re been extant; it was the vicious practices of these corrupted times, that gave it matter and form, life and being: had the evil inclinations of men extended no further, then to some wagish excursions, I should have been silent; but since Villany improves it self daily, notwithstanding the many lamentable examples monthly attending the commission thereof. I thought good to erect this Monument of their shame and wickedness, which may serve instead of a continuall Sessions, an ever-lasting Tyburn, to fright these vile miscreants from their enormous practices: I know not with what faces they can perpetrate that again, which is now so notoriously laid open to the view of the whole world; the beastliness of their debaucheries stinking above ground. But I have heard some men say, that the writing of this is not the probable way of reducing, but increasing the number of such persons whose enormities I have just cause to complain of: I would not have you to be so rash in your Judgments, as uncharitably to believe me to be a Seminary of Vice, and that I erected a Nursery for its propagation, for I must assure you I am of better principles, and that no profit whatsoever shall buy out my interest in a good conscience. What I have done is well intended, and is the product of a painful Experience, Travel, and Expence; and if you will have a little patience, you shall find (in the winding up of the bottom by the conclusion of this Story, in a fifth and last Part, which is very suddenly intended) that no crime shall go unpunished, no particular Person who hath been guilty of these vicious Extravagancies but shall have a punishment suitable to their crimes: and then I hope all persons who make use of this Book to practice debaucheries, will be induced to forbear and decline their wickedness, lest a just judgment overtake them, as they will find it hath done these Extravagants. This is the true design and end of this Book in generall, and whoever makes any other use or Construction do’s greatly abuse the real and true intents of their honest Monitor.

Fra. Kirkman.

THE
ENGLISH ROGUE:

Continued in the Life of

Meriton Latroon,

AND OTHER

EXTRAVAGANTS.

PART III.

CHAP. I.

Mrs. Dorothy rehearses how she cheats her Lovers; who being with Child, made all that had to do with her contribute to her expence in lying in, and recompence her lost honour. She goes into the country to lay her great Belly; in her Journey she falls into the acquaintance of a crafty Old Woman (alias: a Procurer.)

Mrs. Dorothy having thus given me an account of her first Adventure, I received much satisfaction in the Relation; and told her that I found she was much improved in cunning since my first acquaintance with her; for I had enjoyed her without much advantage to her self, for she had a great Belly, with little profit, not knowing who was, or were to find a Father: whereas now she had her choice of three, and money enough to boot whereby to purchase a handsome provision for her self and child. Yes, reply’d she, I did not intend to be caught again; for then it would have been my own fault, you having experienced me in the fallacies of your Sex; and therefore, as I told you, I made my bargain with all my three Friends as politickly as I could; and upon second thoughts, altered somewhat of the terms I had formerly agreed upon: for whereas my first Customer had given me twenty pounds in hand, to provide me with necessaries during my time of lying in, and had agreed to provide for the Child, when it should be born: I told him I had provided a Nurse for it already that was willing to take all the charge, and discharge him from any further trouble, upon payment of fourty pounds more; to this he easily consented, and gave Bond in to me, in the name of a Friend of mine; whom I told him was the Party that would make provision for the Child.

Thus did I settle matters with the first: and with the second I continued my bargain, of having twenty pounds down, and fifty pounds more at the birth of the Child. And my Masters Brother and I continued our old bargain of the like sum, of twenty pounds down, and fifty pounds more, to be paid at 6 moneths; neither did I discontinue my familiarities with any of them; for I managed my affairs so cunningly, that some nights I lay with my first Customer without the knowledge of my Master’s Brother, from whom I endeavoured only to conceal it, and not from my second for he, as I told you, was privy to my dealings with him, and by that means only first gained his ends upon me: sometimes I lay with my second Customer, but it was with some regret, for I had the least affection for him of the three; but now he since he had bled some of his yellow pieces, and give me what I desired of him, I could not well refuse him his desires of me, neither was he so shy as formerly; for he valued not though my Masters Brother sometimes discovered us, for he knew that our dealings were not concealed from him, and therefore he was the bolder. But with my Masters Brother I was more free than ever; he having as much again for his money as either of the other, neither was it perceived by either of them; for he having the command of the house, so ordered it, that my Lodging was nearest to his; and therefore we had the more conveniency to come at one another.

We drave this trade for some Moneths, till in the end my Master’s Brother gaining the goodwill of his Sweet-heart, he was married to her, and then he for some time fell off. But he had not lain with his Wife above a fortnight, but he became weary of her embraces, and renewed his love again to me; I at first withstood him, and used Arguments to disswade him from any such course; but all would not do; for he told me he found but little pleasure in the cold embraces of his Wife; neither had he married her, but for her Estate, which was considerable; many other Arguments he used to perswade me, who was not altogether unwilling; and so we again renewed our former pleasure; but we were necessitated to be very private, and only now and then to have a private meeting in the day time, for he was to accompany his Wife in the Night. But as privately, and craftily as we carried our selves, we were at length discovered; for my second Customer, after he had paid for his pleasure, was more desirous to have his penny-worths out of me, and still importuned me to interviews so often, that I much grumbled at him; and he being a weary Fox, still dogg’d and watch’d me, and that so often, that at length he found me and my Masters Brother in our strict embraces; he being both glad and angry, without any [by your leave] entered the Room where we were (the door being only carelesly put to) and without any words approaching the Bed whereon we lay, drew the Curtains, and said; well, Master John (for so was his name) that sawce which is good for the Goose, I hope will be good for the Gander; self do, self have; I hope, Sir, since you have put in for your share in the pleasure, you will be share, and share like in the charge. Well, replyed Mr. John, it shall be even as honest Mrs. Dorothy will have it; and thereupon removed, and sitting upon the Bed, I began to give him bad words, calling him jealous Coxcomb; and he again flew at me, telling me that I was insatiate, and that twenty would not serve my turn; and that now he found the reason of my slighting him, for Mr. John; but if we would not do him Justice, he would be revenged on us both: to that Mr. John replyed, asking him what he would have? I would, said he, have my money, and my Bond again; for I see, and find, there is little reason that I should pay for other mens Leachery; you make me provide for a Child, that, for ought I know, hath twenty Fathers; well, said I, you have had too much for your money; and if you are grieved, amend your self; so I will, said he, furiously going away out of the Room. He being gone, Mr. John and I fell to consulting, what was to be done in this affair; and after many propositions, we at length agreed, that it was most convenient for me to be gone from my service, and to leave London, for some Country Habitation; lest this angred Coxcomb should mischief us, by discovering our practice to Mr. John’s Wife, or some else, that was worse: I was willing, and ready to take this course; but I told Mr. John, that moneys would be wanting, to make a handsome provision for me; for as affairs now stood, there was no expecting any mony from my angred Customer, but what should be forced from him. That is true, replyed he; but so soon as the money is due, for which he hath given you Bond, I will take course with him, and compel him to pay it; and in the mean time I will furnish you. This was that which I aimed at; and I knowing that he had lately received a large sum of money for his Wifes portion, with much ease gained him to pay me the fifty pounds down, for which he had given me Bond, and being thus provided with moneys, and making up my pack (which was much improved since my coming) I prepared for my departure. I as yet knew not what Country to retire to, but was resolved not to go back into my own; and therefore consulted with Mr. John about the place; who still hankered after me, resolving I should not go far, but that he might easily visit me; appointed me a place about ten Miles from London: and because he would not be suspected of going with me, nor of being any wayes privy to my departure, he permitted me to take my Journy without him; he promising in a few dayes to take the opportunity of giving me a visit.

Thus did I leave his Brother’s House; but not so abruptly, but that I had the leave of my Master and Mistress; whom I told, that my Father being sick, had sent for me immediately; and to that end, a Letter was framed by Mr. John, and brought me by a Porter.

Being now Coach’d for my Journy, I in short time arrived at the Inn, where I was appointed to stay, till Mr. John should arrive, and make better provision for me; where an Adventure befell me, which is worthy of your hearing: For among the rest of the Travellers, there was an Antient Woman, who took great notice of me, still looking towards my Apron, and eying very diligently my belly; which although it was now somewhat greater, being about three Moneths gone with Child; yet I had endeavoured, by busking it down, and using all other means to hide it; but the Old Woman was not so dim-sighted, but she discovered the fraud; and having been a good one her self in her time, quickly smelt out the matter; and believed, and guessed the cause right, as it was; for my thinn Chops, and sharp and whitely looks gave evident testimonies of what disease I was sick of; and looking more throughly upon me, and examining the features of my buxome Countenance, she conjectured right, that some good Fellow had got up my belly at London, and I was going into the Country to be lightned of my burthen: she having a while considered with her self, that I might be very useful for her in an affair she had then in hand, was very pleasant with me, desiring my further acquaintance. I was not shye for the matter, but knowing that I had money enough to bear me out in any cross adventure that might happen, was resolved to see what the Old Woman meant by her familiarity. She first gave me Joy of my great Belly; to which I replyed, she might be mistaken; well, well, said she it matters not, whether I am or no; but if it be not so, I wish it were; and methinks it is a pity that you should be sick of any other disease; for I have so much skill in Physiognomy, that I can tell that you are of a more Jovial Temper than now your countenance shews for, and it is very unfit, that one of your years and complexion should want the pleasures of a fit Bed-fellow; but I suppose you are not ignorant of those enjoyments, and have a Husband, with whom you have experienced the sweet of a Married Life. Truly, Madam, said I, you are much mistaken; for I never yet entred into that honourable Estate of Matrimony. Well, that matters not much, replyed this good Old one; but I have miss’d of my aim, if you are ignorant of what I have told you; and although you may have no Husband, yet I believe you have a Friend, who has been dabling with you, and swel’d your Belly; if it be so, you are not the only she that is guilty of that pleasing Crime; for I my self have been good in my time; and still have a Colts tooth in my head.

Thus did the Old Dotterel initiate her acquaintance with me; and had well near put me to the blush, but that I turned my face aside, and gently wip’d it with my Handkerchief; and then I told her she was very pleasant, and that a little in the extreams, considering the publickness of the place (there were more Guests in the Room) and our small acquaintance. As for the place, said she, I must confess, as we are not all one Womans Children, so we ought to be somewhat careful; but I shall make amends for that, by desireing you to withdraw into a more private place; and as for the short time of our acquaintance, I question not, but we shall quickly set our Horses together, and I hope our present meeting may be advantagious to us both, especially, if it be as I yet expect it. What do you mean, said I? That is, replyed she, if you be with Child, and such a Gamester as I wish you. I was much amazed at this Womans confidence; but however, she having been so open with me, I resolved to be as free with her: hoping her words might prove true, and that some benefit might be made out of her acquaintance; and therefore advising her to leave that Room, for another more private, she soon obey’d me; and having entred, and causing a good fire, and Wine to be brought, we sat down together, not without my receiving some salutations, and strict embraces from my Antient, but to me new acquaintance. After we had each of us washed away sorrow with a Cup of the best Canary, the Old Woman being now more bold than before; again took me in her arms, & laid her hand hard upon my Belly; when it so fortuned, that at that very instant the Child gave a gentle turn in my Belly; which she quickly felt; and then cryed out, Well, Daughter, you see I was in the right; therefore since I have discovered somewhat, I pray tell me the rest of your condition; and I question not but you will receive much profit by your discovery: I was resolved to be very free with her, and acquaint her with the chiefest of my Adventures; still concealing so much thereof, as should, or might be convenient to be made known; whereupon I thus began.

Mother (since you will have it so) I shall make a free confession of my Crime; hoping you will be merciful in the pennance you shall impose; seeing, as you say, I am not the alone guilty party; and thereupon I recounted to her, how that I being born in such a Country, and desirous to see fashions, went up to London, and there happened into a Service; where my Masters Brother falling in love with me, after some Courtship (he promising me marriage) we came to enjoyment; that he, notwithstanding his promise married with another; who indeed exceeded me in Fortune, as I her in beauty; but my sweet heart soon after marriage came to me, and repented of his bargain; but since that was past could not be remedied, I was forced to be contented; and indeed, I having a great love for him, permitted him still to lye with me, that in the end, I was with Child by him; and then we consulting what was most necessary to be done, it was at length concluded, that I should leave my service, and retire into the Country, till I were rid of my great Belly; and to that end and purpose, I was now come into the Country, expecting him in short time to follow me. Thus did I give her a short, though somewhat true, account of my Fortunes; and when I had done, she thus replyed.

Well, Daughter, since your condition is as I judged it, and indeed hop’d it to be; I shall play the Chymist, and extract Golden Fortunes to you out of your own desperate misfortunes; for I doubt, as your Lover hath once been false to you, so he may prove the second time; and now he hath sent you a journey, he may leave you to shift for your self; and to look for another Father for your Child. But, Daughter, (continued she) if you will be rul’d by me, you shall not only have a rich Father, but a great fortune for your Child: and perhaps, so much ready money for your self, as you will not only give me thanks, but reckon this our meeting to be the most fortunate Accident of your whole Life. I thank you very kindly, replyed I, for your fair offers, but I shall desire you to explain your self further; and I suppose I shall put so much confidence in you, as to be rul’d by you; although I do not in the least doubt that I shall be put to those extremities you imagine. So much the better, replyed she; but however, that I may fit you for those purposes I have designed, and partly propounded to you; I shall give you an account of some part of my Life and Adventures; and thereupon she thus Began.

CHAP. II.

The Old Woman relates to Mrs. Dorothy, where she was born, in an Ale house; how educated in all manner of debauchery; how she had a Bastard, which she murther’d, is after marriage gotten with Child by a Moor, and perswades her Husband it was his, notwithstanding, it being conceived so by the strength of imagination. Her Husband growing jealous of the Black Moor, fights him; and they kill one the other. A strange adventure between her Lover and a Frenchman, with a Wind mill.

I was born (said she) at Portsmouth; a Sea-Port-Town, very well known, not only to most English Men, but also to many Strangers. My Parents were of the ordinary ranck, keeping a fudling School, or House of good fellow-ship. I was educated, according to the Custom of the place, to learn to read, and Sew; in learning of which having spent two or three years, at the Age of eleven I was taken home to sit in the Barr and keep the scores; I was well pleased to be at home, because there was great variety of Guests; especially merry drunken Saylors: who, when they had liberty to come ashore, would lustily booz it; and sing, and dance, all weathers. And to that end, our House was still accommodated with a blind Harper, who pick’d up a merry living: I taking pleasure in Musick, and my Father thinking it would advance his trading, bought for me a pair of Virginals; and hired a man to teach me: I giving my mind to it, soon learnt some tunes, which I played to the merry Saylers, whilst they pull’d off their shoes, and danc’t Lustick; and sometimes I gaining a Teaster, or Groat for my Musick, was so encouraged, that I quickly took all the instructions my Master was able to give me; I likewise learned some songs of him, and some of the Saylers; so that in little time I was well furnished with fat and lean Songs; so we term’d the bawdy and others. Although I soon understood what was meant by bawdy Songs; yet I was yet to young to have experience of them: however, when my Auditors laugh’d, and sometimes hug’d and kiss’d me, I had some kind of Notions that were very pleasing to me; and although my Mother sometimes told me of the hateful name of Whore, and how much it concerned me to keep my Maiden-head; yet I resolved that if it were long ere I were married, yet it should not be so before I tryed what it was to lye with a Man: however I followed my Mothers directions, in frowning, and scouling on those who forc’d a kiss from me. But, as I had designed, so it came to pass; for at the Age of fourteen years, a Sayler, who of all other sort of People, I liked best, gained my good liking: he newly came home from a boon Voyage, and was full of half Crown pieces, and took up his quarters at our house; my Father seeing him so flush, was resolved to milk him; and therefore permitted him to keep me Company, though he saw he was very familiar in hugging and kissing me; I likewise had a great mind to some of his money, and therefore begg’d some of him to buy Ginger-bread, Sugar, Plumbs, Figgs, Fruit, and such like liquorish things; he believing, that as I had a liquorish tooth, so I might have a liquorish Tail, refused me no moneys I desired; but I being somewhat modest in the smallness of my demands, had but little that wayes by fair play; therefore I bethought me, how I might be Mistress of more; therefore was resolved, at the next opportunity, to pick his pocket, which I guess’d would be no difficult matter to do; in regard he was oftentimes much overtaken with the Creature; and therefore, to the end I might effect my desires, when we were met next together, I drank pretty smartly with him, and conveyed some strong waters into each cup of his Beer; and so in short time he being somewhat tipsie, desired me to sing him a song, which I performing, he was quickly, as I supposed fallen asleep; I sat in his lap, and as cunningly as I could, slipt my hand into his Pocket; where I gathered up three or four half Crowns; as sleepy as he was, he observed me, and while I was at my work, he was at his; and as slighly he conveyed one of his hands into another place, having not as yet been at that sport; I squeek’d out, which made him rise, and me withdraw my hand, and both of us leave our Prizes; and I blushing for anger, that I was so doubly catch’d, would have left the Room; but he taking hold of me, desired me to be quiet, and told me, what was done on his part was but in jest, as he supposed what I did was; and that it was but quid for quo. I having by this time gained some confidence, was, at his entreaty, content to stay longer with him, and sung another song; which when I had done, he gave me four half Crowns (a greater sum than I was ever till then Mistress of) and told me, since he knew what I would have, he would give it me, as he hoped I would do the like. To which I replyed, I knew not what I might do in time, if he continued his kindness to me. Thus did I encourage him to be liberal to me, in hopes of his desired reward: and thus neither of us (knowing one anothers minds) was long backwards, without enjoying our desires; he giving me some money and a Ring. I permitted him to enjoy me as fully as he could wish or desire; and many rancounters we had together, both at home and abroad, as time and place would permit: but as the longest day will have an end so had his money; and then my Father perceiving that it was low ebb in his Pocket, began to be more wary and circumspect of him, and to watch him, and slight him, lest he should gain anything upon me, and run into his score; and so he might lose as much in the shire, as he had got in the hundred; the Old Woman, my Mother, being somewhat suspicious of me, still watch’d us with much wariness; and he not having money to treat me abroad at other houses, as formerly, we were fain to have all our sports at home when we had conveniency; and there we were so narrowly put to it, that we were oftentimes in danger to be catch’d.

When my sweet-heart could get any Moneys he would treat me abroad; and one day having been walking with me, he committed one of the greatest extravagancies I ever heard of he had drank very hard and was now almost fluster’d, when coming by the Wind mill which is near our Town, the wind blowing somewhat moderately, there was a French man, who challenged some English Saylers to shew some feats of activity; among other exploits, he took hold of one of the wings of the Wind-mill, and holding fast, was carried round therewith, lighting very orderly on the ground upon his feet. This was a wonderful, and we thought desperate attempt, and he much bragg’d of it daring any English man to do the like: my sweet-heart being with me, and desirous to gain my esteem, and being somewhat pot shaken, makes no more ado, but likewise takes hold of one of the wings of the Windmil; which by reason the wind blew more freshly than it had done lately, caused the Mill to go more swiftly then ordinary; and he not being able to hold fast, was thrown off: but though it was a pretty way off, yet to his good Fortune, he was not thrown to the ground (which would have broken his bones,) but into a pond of water; and there he being very skilful in swimming, soon recovering himself, swam to the shore; and not forgetting what he had done, cryed out, Now let any Mounsieur of ye all do the like. All there present did much applaud him; some attributing that to his design and skill, which indeed was by chance; and truly, it was a good chance for him, that he broke not his neck: but he then escaped any further danger: and some Merchants being there present, were so surprized with the manner of the action that they gave him ten shillings to drink; he being thus rewarded for his folly, thought it his best course to go home; where we being come, and my Father made acquainted with the matter, and that he had money in his Pocket made much of him, and perswaded him to go to bed; and my Mother procured him a Sack posset, which we all eat of at his beds side; but little did they think that this was a kind of a Bride-posset: for, although we were not married that day, yet we lay together that night; for when they were in their bed, in went I to his; where he expected me, having before enjoyned me to make use of that opportunity, which I did, to both our good intents: for we enjoyed one another in full freedom of all dilights: this being the first and last time I ever lay with him: for not long after, his coyn being spent, and a Voyage presented it self, he Shipp’d himself, and away he went for the East Indies; we promising a constant continuance of our affections. But he being gone, it was not long, ere I found a strange alteration in my body, being taken with pewkings, and vomitings, such as young Married folks are used to have; whereupon I concluded, that I should soon have a great belly, which so fell out; but before that, I had a Husband to Father it.

Our House being publique, we entertained all Comers; amongst the rest, there came a Sayler, who had had the Fortune to meet with a prize; and he for his own share had two hundred pounds Sterling. This was so tall a Fortune as was unusual to be the possession of an ordinary Sayler; and he chancing in at our house, my Father was very desirous to rid him of his mony: he acquainted my Mother with his purpose, and told her, that this Fellow would make a very good Fortune for me their Daughter; and they might by means of this live more plentifully then ever. The Fellow soon expressed a great deal of love for me, which my mother taking notice of, told me of her own and my Fathers intentions, and bid me prepare to entertain his love, for they designed him for my Husband; she advised me to be free and courteous to him, but by no means to let him proceed further then the ordinary civility. I promised her all obedience, and she was very diligent and watchful over me. My sweet heart was very sweet upon me, and would fain have been dealing with me, as Merchandize, bidding very fair for me, but I resolved to have all or none; would not let him have a bit, but what was lawful: he being thus stopt, was the more earnest; and at length, rather than lose me, agreed to have me at my own terms which was marriage; which at length was fully agreed upon. But my qualmes encreasing as did my belly, my Mother suspected somewhat was the matter, and therefore took me strictly to task; and so wrought with me; that I confessed I had been sporting with my former sweet-heart; this news much startled her; but she who had passed many such brunts, soon found out a remedy; and told me that if I would be wholly ruled by her, she would still warrant the business should go on prosperously enough; for, said she, I will direct you to carry your self, so as the loss of your Maiden-head shall not be discovered; and as for your great Belly, we will when you are marryed, send your husband to Sea before your time of delivery: and in the mean time, we will manage all matter cunningly enough. My Mother having thus encouraged me, I prepared for the wedding day, which was soon after appointed; which being come, and night also, we went to bed; and there my Bride-groom going about to enjoy me, I counterfeited all kinds of simplicity; I cryed, sob’d, and screeked out; and he had much ado, with puffing and blowing, and sweating, to possess himself of me. I had all the marks and symptoms of untouch’d Virginity; and the more to beguile him, notwithstanding all his fair words, and endeavours, I made so great a noise as raised my Mother; who coming into our chamber, found me in swound; from which she soon brought me, by rubbing me with Vinegar, and other Remedies; and she perswaded me to be patient, and desired him to deal kindly with me, using this Proverb; Gently, John, the Girls Young, She left us, and then with somewhat more Patience I permitted him to take his pleasure with me.

Thus was I marryed, and came off with all Credit imaginable; but afterwards it did not proceed as we expected; for my Husband being very fond of my company, would not by any means be perswaded to leave me for the Sea; but intended, now he had gained money enough, to live on shore. This resolution of his was very unpleasing; but I was forced to be contended, and to provide against the time of my delivery of my great Belly, which now came on a pace, and indeed was somewhat sooner than I expected; for I was taken one day with a suddain pain, which much surprized my Mother; for my Husband was in the House, and hearing my cryes, would needs force his way into my Chamber; where I was accompanyed by my Mother, who was instructing me what to do; on his approach to the Bed, my pains encreased, and a Child was born into the World; but, that he might not discover the fallacy, by the crying of the Child, I smothered it; and lying still for some space, my Mother perswaded him to depart; he being gone, my Mother fell to work; and removed the Child, playing the Midwife in the best manner she could; and all being buried, and I put into order, she told her Son in law, that these were extream fits of the Chollick, and would now they had begun, continue for some dayes; wherefore she desired him to take another Lodging, and let her lye with me: to this he hardly consented; but at length, at both our importunities, he was content, and in ten dayes time, I still every day counterfeited fits of groaning, but he seeing I sensibly amended, would no longer forbear lying with me.

Thus did I escape this misfortune, and came off with flying Colours, without the least suspition; so that I was encouraged to proceed in further Roguries; which was the ruine of my Husband, and in which I had like to have been involved. I told you our house was for all Guests; and now by the addition of my Husbands money, which was employed in my Fathers Trade, to encrease his stock, our house the best furnished, was the best customed house in the Town; amongst the rest, there came a Person of Honour, who had been a Traveller, and among his Attendants a Negro, or Black-man, which he had brought from Guiana. This Black-more was reported by his Master and others, to be the Son of a Prince in his own Country; I look’d on him with an affectionate and smiling countenance; which he perceiving, and also that I was handsome, much desired my company; and being Master of money enough to spend on me, he had many opportunities of courting me; at the first, I examining what I was about to do drew back, thinking it a very strange thing to be kiss’d by a Black-more, but use brought it into Custom; and I endured not only that, but also methought I had a minde to taste of his flesh, perswading my self, that there would be more than ordinary satisfaction in that enjoyment; and he finding me coming, so prosecuted his suit, that it was not long ere I enjoyed him: I must confess much to my content, for nothing but his sparkling eyes was to be seen in the dark, which indeed were as shining, as two stars in a clear night; and he was as much delighted with me: so that we promised to take all opportunities for enjoyment. The Lords business kept him there so long, that we had so much sport in jest, as turned to earnest; for I found my self to be with child, and I did absolutely believe that my Black-friend was the Father of it: this consideration put me into a deep melancholly; for we carried our business not so privately, but that we were taken notice of, and suspected by my Mother; but much more by my Husband, whose extreme love to me was converted into as extreme a jealousie; and he looked on my Black-friend with a great deal of horror.

I finding my self with Childe, and doubting it was by him, a fancy possessed me, that I should bring forth a Black-More like the Father: this, I say put me to a very great non-plus; and I endeavoured by all means to blind my Husband, and take all suspition from him: I told him, I believed I was with Child, this pleased him; but I also added, I doubted, I should not render him compleatly satisfied: for that I had a very great fancy that the Child would be black, and I could give no reason, but that the sight of my Lords Black-More was deeply imprinted in my fancy: I told him, I had read the story of a Black Queen and King, who had a Child that was white; and being so born, was thrust out of the King his Fathers Dominions, for no other cause but because he was white; and the Queen his Mother hardly escaped the fury of her Husband, who shrewdly suspected her guilty of Adultry with some white-man, because the Child was so. This said I, was the Crime laid to her charge; and it seemed so reasonable to him and all his Nobility; that notwithstanding the Queen was alwayes esteemed to be a vertuous woman, yet she hardly escaped with her life. But at length, a wise man of that Kingdome coming to the Court, and hearing of the matter, and that the Queen was banished as well as her Son; he, said I, walking about the Court, and coming into the Kings Bed-chamber, there saw the Picture of a fair white-woman, which had, as great rariety, been presented to the King he then remembring the unfortunate case of the Queen, did really believe that the sight of that white Picture had occasioned the Queen to conceive and bring forth a white Child. Being thus convinced, and perswaded in his own opinion, he was not long before he perswaded the King to the same; and the Queen having been alwayes of an unblemisht reputation, it was concluded by the King, and all the Nobility, that the Queen was innocent: and thereupon the banishment was repealed, and both received home with great joy, state, and honour; and this Son, after his Fathers decease, was crowned, and reigned King of the Place. Now sweet-heart, said I, this being so, and fancy having so strong an operation in the womb by the only site of a Picture, I cannot but imagine that the real presence of one may work much more and greater effects, especially since I find a very great inclination not only to love, but long for black things; black cherries, I affect extreamly, as also damsons, sloes, & black-bullies; I chiefly feed on black puddings; and it is not very long, said I, since I longed for a black hat, and did eat it up every bit: and now I have lately had a great desire to a dish of butter’d char-coal.

This discourse wrought variously with my Husband, who, although he did somewhat suspect me, yet would he take no great notice at present, but told me, that surely this was but fancy, and would in the end amount to nothing: I was content with his answer; but knowing his mind stood thereto bent, I first propounded, that the Black-more should depart our house, or else that I might remove from home to some other place, to see, if by his absence the fancy would leave me: to this he willingly agreed; and in regard to move for the Black-more’s departure until his Lord went also, would not only raise suspicious Discourses, but turn to our disadvantage, by reason they were good Guests; we therefore resolved that I should remove four or five miles from home; the which I did the next day; but my departure was not so secret, but that I gave notice thereof to my beloved Black-more, who promised not to be long before he took the opportunity of giving me a visit; the which he did unseen of any, I letting him in at a back Garden door; and thither he usually came to me once in two or three days: we sometimes spent some hours together in a Banqueting-house in the Garden; and at last grew so bold, as to spend whole nights in bed together; so that my Husband, who sorely suspected me, was resolved to watch my waters; and one Evening missing the Black-more, who was then come to me, he at midnight departed; and coming to the back door whereat the Black-more entred, he finding it open, entered, saw the Candle in my Chamber, and I believe could hear our voyces, but knew not how to enter without great noise; wherefore, now resolving in his mind what to do, he waited till the morning, walking about the Garden; but in regard the Black-more had some affairs of his Lords that morning to dispatch, he arose early, and left me; I shut fast the door, and left him; no sooner was he down, but my angry Husband with a drawn sword meets him; he seeing and knowing him, guessed his purpose, likewise quickly draws; and they running upon one anothers swords, soon bereft each other of life.

CHAP. III.

The Old Woman relates, that her Husband and Black-friend having killed one another, she removes her lodging; and is brought to bed of a young Black-more, which she likewise murthereth; and then again removing her quarters, and passing for a maid, is married to a young Inn-keeper; who, instead of her, had a maid servant for his Bed fellow; who being both sleepy, she sets fire of the House; and then pretending to fetch water at the Well, tumbles her in, where she is drowned.

Thus, said Mrs. Dorothy, did the old Hagg give me an account of her mischievous beginning; and indeed, in the prosecution of her story, she acquainted me with so many horrible actions, that I was agast; and wondered that the Earth did not open, to swallow up a wretch so monstrously wicked; but I think, said she, by what I have said, I have told you enough to know her, and therefore shall pass over the rest of her actions in silence: nay, said I, Mrs. Dorothy, since you have begun to give us so fair an account of the foul actions of this your wicked acquaintance, I shall desire you to take the pains to proceed therein. Truly, said Mrs. Mary, although I have known many wretched People in my dayes, yet I never heard of the like; and I suppose by what you have already recounted, that all you have further to say will be both remarkable, admirable, and pleasant (if we may account that pleasant which is so mischievously, and wickedly witty;) and therefore I, as well as our friend here, desire you to continue your relation; and if you will take the pains, we will have the patience to hear you to the least particular. Mrs. Dorothy being thus requested by us both, replyed, that she should be content to grant our desires, but then we must have a great deal of patience, and pardon those impertinent ignorances that she should be forced to recount, in relating so many notable and various adventurous actions of another: We told her, we should willingly attend, and excuse her in all; and thereupon she thus continued.

Although (said this old Trot) my Husband, and my black friend had quickly dispatch’t their business, by thus dispatching one another, yet they were neither so sudden nor so silent, but I both heard and saw them tilt at one another with their swords, which were bathed in each others heart blood; and so they fell, grinning at each other with horrible Countenances and they lay so close together, that they could catch hold of one another, and fight with their hands, their swords being sheathed in one anothers bodies; but this contest could not, neither did it last long, their hearts being suffocated with Blood, and so in short time they both expired; which I discovered by the noise of hollow groans: and thus continued she, was I deprived of a Friend, and a Husband. I was startled at the present, but considering what was to be done, went to bed, and lay there till some of the house came and bounc’d at my Chamber door; I suffered them to continue knocking for some time, as if I had been asleep; but they growing more furious by reason of my silence, were ready to break open the door, when I jumped out of my bed, and in my smock opening the door, asked them what was the cause of their violent knocking; they replyed, they were glad to see me alive, which they much doubted, by reason of my silence, and having seen such a doleful sight as was then in the Garden: I seeming ignorant of all, desired them to explain themselves, and acquaint me with their meaning; they were not long then ere they had told me, that my Husband and the Black-more who quartered at my Fathers, were both dead in the Garden: I was amazed, ran then to the window, and there beheld what I too well knew already; and then cryed out, and in lamentable and furious manner threw my self on the floor, tearing my hair, and making great lamentation; by this time the Constable and other Neighbors were come, but could not get any thing out of me to discover any knowledge of the fact. I seemed a stranger to all; and so the Bodies being removed, word was sent to my Father and Mother, who quickly came thither; but finding me, as the rest, to pretend ignorance, nothing could be done; but the People conjectured variously, and though they could not accuse me as the murtherer, yet I was shrewdly suspected to be the cause; they judging the truth as it was: but however, I was without the compass of the law, and therefore escaped all trouble.

Their Bodies were soon after buried, and I thought it absolutely necessary to abscond my self, lest (the time of child bearing being near approaching)[approaching)] I might be further discovered by the Complexion of the child, which I did verily believe would be black; and therefore I left my Fathers house, and went to an obscure Village about ten miles off; I took up my lodging with an old Woman of my Mothers acquaintance, pretending a great melancholly since the death of my Husband, and therefore avoided all Company: I had all along attempted to destroy the Child in my Womb, and to that end I had taken Savine, and many other drugs and potions, and using to jump, and leap, and wrastle, to cause my self to miscarry, but all in vain; so that in fine, I was forced to use the same remedy I had done, and smother the Child so soon as it was born; I had all possible conveniences to do it, whilst the Midwife, who lived at some distance, was not much looked after, although it was somewhat black, which was now taken to be so, only by reason of its strugling for passage; and wanting a Mid-wife, I caused it to be quickly nail’d up in a box, and so with little trouble passed over the difficulty of this affair: my Mother soon came to me, and accommodated me, with every thing fit for my condition, so that it was not long ere I perfectly recovered; and I having no mind to return to my Fathers nor to stay in that place, caused my Mother to provide me with a gentile habit; and money in my pocket, and being thus fitted, went twenty miles further, to the house of another of my Mothers acquaintance; and having been so unfortunate with a Husband, was resolved not to own that ever I had been married, but to pass for a maid; which I might well enough do, not being yet above eighteen years of age. My beauty then was so charming, that I quickly gained many adorers; and it being given out that I was a Virgin, and of a good fortune, had many Sutors in earnest, that woed me in the honest terms of marriage. Having the choice of several, I was the more coy; but in the end, there was one, who was an Inn-keeper, whose Father being lately dead, and left a handsome competency, him I accepted of, but with great jealousie and suspition of my self; lest he was a cunning youngster, should discover the want of my Virginity. I was sensible it would be no difficult matter for him to finde me out, but I was resolved to try my Wits, and prevent his discovery: to this end I delayed my marriage for some time, till I could bring my matters to pass; which (said she) I did in this manner.

There was a Servant-Maid in the House, whom I usually had for my Bed-fellow, and with her I was very free in all my discourse, acquainting her with all passages between me and my Sweethearts; and many pleasing discourses we had upon those occasions, and commonly we spent some hours every night when we were in Bed, in these Conferences: I asking her which of my Sweet-hearts was the best, and likliest to prove a good Husband; she and I both jumped in one mind, and she seemed to rejoyce at the good Fortune I was likely to enjoy, in having so handsome, and accomplish’d a Person, as he was with whom I was to be Married; saying, that of all men breathing, she never saw one whom, she thought, she could love better; and adding, that she would give all the money in her Pocket to have my place on the Wedding Night. Well, thought I, are you there? I’le be with you anon. Truly said she, I am a perfect Maid, not having yet had to do with any Man; and for deed, nay, for thought and word, untill this time, was a pure Virgin; but methinks, since I saw your Sweetheart, I have such pleasing imaginations, that I could willingly experiment the effects; but, continued she, I hope you will take all this in good part, and not be jealous of me, for I shall not in the least injure you, no, though your Sweet-heart should desire it; besides, my Quality and condition is so much beneath yours, that it would be but a folly to expect it: but shall wish you all happiness with your beloved Bridegroom. She having opened her mind thus freely to me, it was the thing I only aimed at, and above all things wish’d for; and therefore, that I might now stricke while the Iron was hot, I thus replyed; come, come, do not counterfeit more Modesty than needs, but tell me truely, and sincerely, if I can find a way to compass your desires; and be therewith content, and willing, will you obey me in what I shall desire of you? This is a strange proposition, said she, and I believe far from your heart to do, and only to try me farther; but I pray let us talk no more of this matter.

I quickly answered, that I was now in earnest, and would (if she would swear to me to be secret) discover a secret that was of the highest importance, and that then all things would be as she had wished; she wondring what I meant, and being desirous (as all women are inquisitive after secrets) to discover mine, soon made many protestations and vows, to be secret in what ever I should impart to her; and thereupon I told her, that indeed about twelve moneths since, being in my fathers house, a Gentleman of quality lodging there, and having divers times courted me; and I alwayes refusing to hear him; and being very obstinate, notwithstanding all his endeavours by Presents, and otherwise; he, I said being wholy impatient, and resolved to venture all for my enjoyment, took his opportunity, and came to bed to me; I feeling him near me, cry’d out but in vain, for my Lodging was at too great a distance from any bodyes hearing; and so in the end, notwithstanding my striving, and strugling, he had his will of me; and indeed, to tell you the truth, the danger of the brunt being over, and I well knowing that what was past could not be recalled, was, in the end, willing a second, or third time, to permit him the same enjoyment; and so he went away in the Morning well satisfied, and I better pleas’d than when he came to me. I was resolved to keep this from the knowledge of my Parents, and did so, though he offered me Marriage, which would have been advantageous enough for me, he being, as I said, a Person of Quality; but however, he continued his practice with me all the time of his stay at my Fathers, which was two Moneths; and then he departing, promised a sudden return, and that he would then discover himself to my Father, and request me in Marriage; I trusted to his fair words, and permitted his departure; but he had not been long absent ere I perceived my self to be with Child: I kept this from the knowledge of all, so long as I could; but in the end, my Mother suspecting me, charged me so roundly, that I confessed the Fact; she thereupon took the best remedy she could, and unknown to my Father, sent me away to a Friend of hers, where I lay in of a Child, which soon after dying, and I recovered, I again removed hither, where what hath befaln me you already know as well as I; and now, my dear Friend, said I, the case being thus, you may do me a great kindness, and please your self, as you say, by taking my place on the Wedding-night; and he lying with you in my stead may be deceived, and take me for a pure Virgin; whereas otherwise I am in much doubt to be discovered, in regard, that not only I have lost my Maidenhead, but have also lately had a Child.

My Bed-fellow gave diligent attendance to what I had related, and after I had satisfied her how she should behave her self in every respect, she consented to take my turn. My business being in this forwardness, I quickly consented to clap up the bargain with my Sweet-heart; and the Wedding-day being come, we were accordingly Married; and at Bed time I went to Bed with my Bride-groom, but feigning Modesty, commanded all to depart the Room; which they did, leaving one Candle burning; I seeing the Company gone, leap’d out of the Bed to put the Candle out; which I did, and then, according to appointment, the Maid, who was ready in her smock behind the Hangings, quickly got into the Bed, and enjoyed my place; I staid in the Chamber, and could well enough discover all passages between them, and how she made some faint resistance; but not long it was ere they fell a sleep, and slept so long, that I was at a very great stand what to do, lest day-light should come ere she should awake, and then be seen by my Husband, and I disgraced and lost for ever; I ruminated in my mind many wayes; at last I was resolved to proceed to violence, and hazard all, rather than lose my credit; and therefore seeing they still slept on, I went out of the Chamber into the next; where with the help of a Tinder-box, I struck a light; and getting a Torch, and lighting it, set fire on some part of the house, which soon encreased to a great flame; I then made no great difficulty to make a noise, and cry out fire, fire; this was soon seen, smelt, and heard by my drousie bedfellows, who both arose; and I being there, caught hold of him, as if I had lain with him; and his bedfellow being now a little come to her self, and seeing me, began to consider what she was to do; and ran where her cloaths were, put them on, and then came to help me to mine.

My Husband, and all the rest of the Family being thus raised, ran about for water to quench the fire; I being left alone with my Husbands Bed-fellow, could have found in my heart to have killed her with a Sword there in the Chamber: because she had been the occasion of all this mischief; and the thoughts of that, and remembring what hurt she might do me hereafter, in discovering my secrets or, at least, in being my Co-rival; these Considerations made me resolve to dispatch her into the other world; and there-fore desiring her to go down with me into the Yard to fetch water at the Well, she did so; where I spying my opportunity, in the absence of the rest of the Family, as she was stooping to draw Water, I turned her head forwards into the Well; where, before any came to help her, she was dead. I pretended to bewail her misfortunes; but the fire, by the asistance of some Neighbours, being now quench’d, we all retired into that part of the House that was unburn’d; where every one lamented, not only the misfortune of the fire, but that of the Maids death; in which I alone was principally concerned.

CHAP. IV.

She being at home with her Husband, is Courted by Gallants; one of which Cuckolds him; She is out witted by her Gallant, and cheated of a Gown, and three Rings; she is Courted by another Gallant, and they study a Revenge on the first; which she executes, by appointing the first to come to Bed to her; where her Husband, by her appointment, was in her stead; who taking him in the manner, soundly whips him; in the mean time she is in Bed with her new Gallant.

The next day after our unfortunate Wedding-night, all Persons concerned began to reckon up their losses; in which, neither I, nor my Husband suffered but little; for he had nothing there but the Clothes on his back, and I only had mine, and a Trunk of Clothes, and Linnen, which were safe. Our Land-lord lost some of his Goods, and an hundred pounds would not repair the damage the House had sustained by the fire; he therefore complained much of his losses: but his lamentations were not equal to those of an Old Woman, who lived in the Town, and was the Mother of the Unfortunate Maid, whom I had so treacherously, and ungratefully murthered: I was almost as joyful as she was sad, that I was rid of so dangerous a Corrival, whom I had entrusted with my greatest secrets.

The disorders of this House caused us to quit it sooner than we intended; for that very day we removed to my Husbands Habitation, which was not above four Miles distant, and there we Lodged, where that night I received those imbraces from my Husband which were very pleasing to me, and then all things were as well fixed as I could desire; only my Mothers coming was every day expected, I having given her notice of my Transactions by Letters: She came in few dayes, and that not empty-handed; for she brought an hundred pounds in ready money with her: this, she told her new son-in-law, was but part of a greater Sum, my Father and she intended for my Portion; although my Husband expected five hundred pounds with me (I having given out that I should have so much) yet he was content with this for the present; and this money was part of what was left me of my first Husbands. During the stay of my Mother, we kept open House; and giving up our selves to all manner of mirth, I found my Husband to be but an easie Coxcomb, and one whom I thought I should out-wit, and over-rule; he was much inclined to gameing; and, as the fortune of the Dice went, he sometimes won, and lost again as often; at which he would be somewhat waspish and griping: and what he lost by gameing, he would get up again out of large Reckoning, and tricks he would put upon his Guests, who now were more in number than formerly; for it being given out, that he was Married, and that to one that was handsom, all the Countrey came in upon us; especially all the roaring Lads, who spent highest, came all to see, and present their service to their Land-lady; and as a Citizens shop is never so well furnished, as when a handsome Wife is placed in a varnisht seat; even so is an Inn-keepers Barr; and doth draw in Customers, all in hopes to have a lick at her honey pot; and although a Woman be never so chaste, and the Guests finde it so, yet if she be but handsome, her company is still desired; but you know my temper so well, that you may guess I should not hold out a seven years siege, if I were but once bravely assaulted; but withall, I resolved to be as cunning as all my Observations had taught me, and not be like a Glove for every ones drawing on. If I had any Servants, I resolved they should be of the best; and those I counted so, who wore most money in their Pockets, I had my choice of several of that kind; and though I still counterfeited a great Modesty yet I was treated, and regalia’d both at home and abroad; there was no sport, or divertisements, but I made one of the Company; no fair near our Town but I visited, being conducted thither by one Gallant or other: where I had several Fairing presented me. I had my Husbands consent to all my actions, for I still acquainted him with all; and when I was carried to any place, I told him every particular, and caused him to meet me at the place and time appointed; without which I pretended a mighty unwillingness; and this I did, that he might put the greater confidence in me.

This trade I did drive for a long time, without joyning issue with any of my Gallants, and they gained no more upon me than a kiss, or a languishing look, which I sometimes cast upon them to cause them to believe that in time they might arrive to the height of their desires; and for these my kind looks I was as kindly rewarded; they presenting me with Gloves,[Gloves,] Scarffs, Hoods, Rings and Cabinets, and such like Womanish toyes, and all in hopes that they might toy with me, as in fine they did: I had several of these Gamesters, but one above all the rest was most in my favour, he having been the most prodigal in expences upon me; I gave him full freedome with me, and I cornuted this as well as I had done my other Husband; he spent much of his time in gaming, and was very earnest at it with his Guests: and while he was at his game, I and my Gallant were at ours. My friend for his greater pretence of freedom in our house, would humour my Husband, and Game with him, and lose his money; for indeed my Husband was at that sport the better Gamester, although my friend pleased me better at the other; by these extravagancies of his, and his losses at Gameing, he in time came to a low ebb of money in his pocket, and was necessitated to withdraw, and lessen his expences; so that he was not so welcome to me or my Husband as he had been: for I was of the Old Womans Opinion, No longer Pipe, no longer Dance: as he avoided expences I shunn’d his Company; and having Friends enough who desired to be my Customers, I endeavoured to be rid of him. He still continued his wonted freedome, and desiring my Company abroad; and so confident he was grown, that he would ask my husbands leave, who had not yet refused him; and therefore a Comedy being to be acted at a Town not far off, he gained my company to go with him; I had other company that I liked better than his, but I could not shift him off, although I very much endeavoured it.

The Play being done, he desired to treat me privately, which I accepted of, having a design to manage that was newly come in my head, and which was this: I had seen a Gentlewoman at the Play, who had a new silk Gown, of a pretty colour and fashion, I was resolved to beg such another of him, and in case of refusal, to break with him totally: I therefore took my opportunity, and when he desired his wonted freedom with me, I told him he was mistaken, and I absolutely refused, and forbid him turning up any more Coats then he was willing to pay for: he asked what I meant by my discourse and refusal: I told him unless he would give me such a new Gown as I prescribed to him, he should have no more to do with me: my Gentleman was as blank as a Bell founder, and his courage was somewhat cooled at my demands; so that he soon arose, and walked up and down in a musing posture; at length he spake, and made some excuses and pauses: but I being resolved on the question, told him, that he had forborn his Pension a great while, and therefore I was resolved he should be the more liberal, and that I would to try his love by performing that request; if he would not grant my desires, I would also refuse him his; but if he would give me such a Gown, he should still oblidge me, and have the first taking of it up. Come, come, said he, you and I will not fall out for such a matter as that, and you shall have it, or any thing else that is in my power, or indeed that you can wish for; and within these three dayes I will send it you, on condition that I may have a full nights lodging with you, well, replyed I, be you so good as your word, and I will order the matter so, as you shall have your desire: and thus we having clapt up a bargain, concluded the discourse with two or three kisses; and so after a considerable repast, we returned home, and there we parted; he to contrive how to be so good as his word, and I to order my Husbands absence, that we might lye together, as I had promised.

My Gallant examining the matter, found that at present the strength of his Pocket would not be sufficient to accomplish his desire, and therefore he supplyed that defect by the strength of wit; he visited the Gentlewoman who was owner of the Gown, and being of her acquaintance, he requested her to let him have her Gown to shew a Taylor to make such another by for a Sister of his; his desires being modest were the sooner granted; and a Taylor of his acquaintance receiv’d it of her, and immediately at his commands brought it to me, I accepted it with a smileing countenance, and giving him a small piece of Money for his pains, dismiss’d him; when soon after my friend likewise followed; and my Husband being absent, we concluded that night to devote our selves holy to Venus; and he being us’d to lye at our house, it was no great difficulty for him to quit his bed and come to mine, where we spent all that night in all those amorous enjoyments that we could devise: but he thinking he had paid dear for his nights pleasure, was resolved to have something more into the bargain; and that he might engage me another time, if I fell out with him, as he foresaw I would; wherefore he taking his opportunity when I was asleep, slipt no less then three of my Rings off from my fingers, and put them on his; and early in the morning he left me and my Bed, and went into his own: and having before contrived now to play his Cards, he went to the Taylor, and advised him to come to me, and tell me he had forgot to finish somewhat that was very necessary, and had been omitted to be done in the Gown, and therefore he was come to fetch it, that it might be mended, and he might have no disgrace by his work; I being without all suspition, and seeing indeed there were some defects, which he shewed me, delivered it to him, desireing him to make haste with it, because I intended to have it home before my Husbands return, and then to tell him that my Father had sent it me; but I reckond before my Host; for although I waited two or three dayes, and sent to the Taylor, and asked my false friend, yet I could have none, but idle excuses and flashes; so that in conclusion I found my self cheated; for as I understood afterwards, the Gown was presently sent home to the right owner; whom I saw wear it the next sunday; and then knew it, by some particular marks to be the same. This passage vexed me to the heart; but I was three times more angry when I missed my Rings, and upon examination found that he had beguil’d me of them; and indeed for further confirmation, I saw them upon his fingers; this (said she) extreemly perplexed and inraged me; so that then I converted all my love into (its contrary) hatred, and studyed nothing so much, as how to compass revenge. He finding that I was angred, refrained my Company at present, and that gave opportunity to another, who had long time courted me at a distance, to lay a closer siege to me; and he so far prevailed with me, what with gifts, treats and presents, that I promised him that in short time he should reap the fruits of his desired Harvest; but I was resolved to make him instrumental in my revenge upon my abuser[abuser]; and to that end I thus broke the matter to him.

Sir, your friendship and love I very much esteem; and believing you to be sincere, and one in whose breast I may repose trust and confidence; I shall discover somewhat to you, that may for the future be of good consequence to us both; and it is this: I believe you have not been so dim sighted, but you have observed more than common familiarity between me and Mr. such a one, naming my abusive Lover; some presents he hath given me, for which he expected more freedome with me than I was willing to impart; but I still kept him at a distance, although he pressed hard upon me to enjoyment; which I not thinking fit at present to permit, he began to clamour, at length through his importunities, I consented he should lye with me at such a time, on condition he gave me such a silk Gown as I named; to this he agreed, and sent in the Gown accordingly: now it so fell out, that I could not perform what he expected, and therefore delay’d him for a few dayes longer, till my Husband should be absent, promising then to keep touch with him; but whether he not believing me, or else the necessity of returning the Gown, which he had but borrowed, as I since found; one or both these reasons induced him to be false to me, and by a while he got the Gown out of my hands; and he was not content with doing that only, but he also intending to abuse me further, when we were toying together, cheated me of three of my rings; which he as a Trophy of his Victory, and my weakness and shame, still wears on his fingers; and I fear he is so prodigal and lavish of his tongue, as to bray to his acquaintance, that he had those as my gifts for unhandsome service done me.

Thus did I disguise the truth of my dealings with my abusive Lover, and having given my new one this account, desiring his assistance in a revenge: to this he quickly answered, that as for the Gown I had been so out-witted in, he would make up that loss, by giving me another; and so he would also for the rings, if I pleased; or else compel my abusive lover to deliver them; and in all things else he would vindicate my credit. I replyed to him, that I would not have any compulsion, for that would make too much noise; but rather have his assistance in my revenge, which I had thus contrived.

I would have him possess my Husband with jealousie against my abusive Lover, and leave the rest to my ordring, which I managed thus: I gave my abusive Friend more freedom, & shewed a kinder Countenance than I had done of late, & that only to draw him on, which I did with much ease, for he had a great desire to be friends with me, and upon our first convenient parley, he confessed himself guilty, & made some trivial excuses, which I admitted of, as I did his love, in hopes to gain my rings, and a revenge; as for the rings, he presently returned me one, and promised the other two the third night following, when I agreed to lye with him, promising so to order the matter, that my Husband should be then out of the house; we after this parley parted, and my new friend had so dealt with my Husband, in discovering my abusive Friends freeness and privacy with me, that he now became absolutely jealous, and intended to make me sensible of his anger; but I knowing where the shooe wrung him, was before hand, and the next night told him, that if he did not take some speedy course, I was in danger, and he too, to be abused by my abusive Lover; for said I, he hath gotten two of my rings, and shews them abroad, reporting he had them of me, as tokens of my dishonour; and to me he will not deliver them, unless I will promise him a nights lodging: now said I, if you have a mind to save my honour, your own, and revenge us both on him, I will thus do; I will seemingly consent that he shall come to bed to me to morrow night, and to that end, I will have you pretend to go out of Town; but instead of your going, I will go to such a friends house, and there I’le stay; you shall lye in my Bed, and at the hour I will appoint him he will come to bed to you, when you and your friends, and servants, I hope taking him in the manner, will so handle him, as he shall have little cause to boast of his nights lodging; and you and I shall be sufficiently revenged on him for thus attempting my Chastity.

To all this discourse my Husband gave very good attention; and it corresponding with what he suspected, he now wholly quitted any suspitious thoughts of me, and agreed to execute all I had propounded; so that when the time came, my Husband pretended to lye out, took his leave of me, and my abusive Friend, who was glad of his absence: I made haste with him to bed, telling him about ten a Clock he might come safely into my Chamber, and bed which he knew well enough, not to mistake the way. I then left him, and taking horse, went to my new friend, who expected me at our appointed Rendevouz, where he presented me with the desired Gown, and I according to my promise, gave him a nights lodging with me, which was much more pleasant to us both, than was that of my abusive Friend; who at the hour appointed, went to my Chamber, and into the Bed where my husband was expecting him; he believing it was I, began his embraces, and other actions, declaring his intent; with that my husband leap’d out of the Bed, and four good Old Women of my Friends, who were hid under the bed, discovered themselves, and having a dark Lanthorn, lighted the Room, and fell to work: first, they tyed his hands and feet to the posts of the Beds Head and feet; and then each being provided with a good handful of Birch laid on lustily, till he roar’d sufficiently; my Husband making offer to geld him: but when it came to that point, he begg’d so heartily, that my Husband consented to his desire, only he paid the two rings he had of mine, as ransome for his Jewels.

CHAP. V.

Her abused and whipt Lover vows revenge, which is done in part; afterwards he is kill’d, yet kills his Corrival: the manner how, with other things very remarkable.

Never did the Canicular dayes infuse into Dogs a greater madness and fury, than did this whipping in Loves School inrage the minde of our sufficiently jerkt Amorist; which for the present (whilst under his Chirurgions hands) he durst not express; for all that he could do, was to supplicate them not to deprive him of what would make him stand as a Neuter between the Sexes of humane Generation; which they granted him.

With much hazard, and greater fear, escaping their hands, only in his shirt, without shooe or stocking, he got out into the streets; and being overjoy’d that he was secure, but had the black mantle of night to conceal his shame, and convey him home, without the knowledge of the Town inhabitants, ran through the streets with all speed imaginable; but, by the way, meeting with a sharp stone, it so hurt his foot, that he was compell’d to slacken his pace, and lamely limp to his lodging. The Clock had then struck twelve (an hour wherein supposed Bugg-bears walk, to frighten Children) as he could see just before him two women, whom a third had raised from their warm beds by her incessant cries, proceeding from the intollerable pains she then indured, being ready to be delivered, to hasten to call up a fourth, viz. a Midwife. Haste on both sides had made them so carelesly heedless in their way, that they were within a spit and a stride of each other, before they could discern one the other. My cheating, and cheated Leacher perceived the women first, which put him to a stand, what he were best to do, either to go forward, or backward; they, on the other side, seeing a thing all in white stand opposit in their way, judged it to be the troubled spirit of the lately diseased Husband of this woman they were going to fetch the Midwife for. He, on the other hand, resolved to go forward; and they seeing him approach them (skreeking out) ran back as fast as they could; who being stopt by the watch, and demanded why they made that hideous outcry, made answer, they had met the Devil, or some thing like him. Condemning the womens idle and causless fears (as they judged) they advanced forwards, armed with Bills, Halberts, but principally with an unparallell’d resolution. My Gallant had stept into a by-corner, when the woman cried out to secure himself from what might ensue that unexpected allarum, fully resolved to run home to his lodging directly, with what speed he might; he started out just as the Watch were advanc’d within half Pistol-shot of him; the sudden surprize confirmed them in the womens report, so that, without consideration there was not one of these desperate Kill-Devils to be seen, but such as with a too precipitate haste, lay tumbling in the Kennel, one over the other. This accident gave new wings to my Lovers feet, which were so benumm’d with cold, that he very much stood in need of such Icarian practices, Dædalian inventions.

In conclusion, with much knocking, he made a shift to get in. His Landlady (who was a Widow) seeing him in this condition, charg’d him home, asking, Where he had been, how he came thus to lose his skin? Whether he had been robb’d? Though wanting Garments, yet he would not be without a Cloak to hide this Venereal enterprize of his, and therefore replied, That falling into ill company, it was his ill hap to fall into that damn’d itch, that tickling humour of playing; that having won something, and like to win more, they would not let him play longer, but seizing him, stript him, and would have done, I know not what, had not his flight procured his safety.

His loving Landlady believing that he was thus really abused, conducts him to her own warm bed, and like a kind friend would not let him lie alone, for fear of catching cold. But his Breech was so sore, he could not lie on his back; and so troubled were his thoughts, he had no mind to lie upon his belly. His Landlady finding him so backward, imagined the cause to proceed from his being too forward abroad with others, and gathered by too many apparent symptoms, that she was much deceived in his pretended continencie at home; and being hartily vext to be thus disappointed of her expectations, she leapt out of bed, telling him angrily, she had more lodgings and Lodgers in her house, and would not be beholden to him for either; and had she known so much before she did let him in, as she hath done since, she would have tried how the cooling Julip of standing in the street all night in his shirt, would have wrought with his feaverish concupiscence.

Netled he was to the purpose to hear his Landlady (who had ever since their first acquaintance born him a more than common kindness and respect) thus taunt at him; but his thoughts were so absolutely taken up with a subject of another nature, that he returned her not one word; which so exasperated her spirits, not to be replyed unto; that laying aside discretion, with her modesty, she was resolved to ring him a peal in the ear-ratling-Rhetorick of Billingsgate. How now, (said she) is it not enough that my Servants, from time to time, have sate up late, or rather early, but that I must be disturb’d from my rest, to give repose to a restless Stallion? Shall my roof prove the Protector to such Caterwawling Night-walkers? Is it not enough, that I have furnished you continually with money, but you must ungratefully make that the Common-procurer of your private Veneries abroad, and those gawdy Clothes I gave you must be the Gentleman Usher that must lead you to them? Are all your former respects come to this? are your hot pretences grown so cold at home, that nothing can warm them, but a fire in another mans Chimney, made there at my expences? She would have proceeded, but that her clamorous tongue interrupted her, by raising one of Her Lodgers, who came down at that instant, to know what the matter was; when my Come-Rogue, not induring her rallery longer, rudely bid her, rather than gently desired her to go to bed; begging that she would not trouble him after that manner, charging her with incivility, for disturbing him from his rest.

The Gentleman, that came down the stairs, hearing this; and judging she had prostituted those kindnesses to one that scornfully refused them, which he had so frequently sollicited her for partly for pleasure, but principally for profit, had not the patience to check her for it in any other place, than these down-right; outragiously bellowing forth, Am not I the oldest Guest in your house, and not a penny in your Debt? Have not I pamper’d you at home, and Coacht you abroad, till I have not had a wheel in my pocket for your extravagant delights to move further on; and have afterwards stab’d my Credit, that you might deliciously feed, and satiate your self on the blood of the grape: then (when few refuse to give themselves satisfaction) I have attempted to enjoy what you now prostitute; but you kept me at that distance, I knew not whether your breath stunk or not. Nay, I have made use of Critical minutes to purchase my desire, more especially then, when I could see by the flaming of your eyes, what conspiracies wine and wanton discourse had formed within you, to fire the Fortress of the most resolved Chastity. And shall you now be bid to go to bed? be begg’d to retire from your satiated Lovers embraces? how can you stand thus impudently in your smock in a mans Chamber, and yet commanded to be gone? Come, you forget your self; your dark-Lanthorn delights have dazzled the sight of your Reason; and let this (kicking her with his foot) light you to your own Chamber; and withal laying hold on her, would have forcibly thrust her out; which rude carriage of his made her cry out aloud, fearing some further mischief.

This out-cry so startled my Gentleman in bed, that not enduring to hear his Land-lady so grosly abused, got up, and closing with him, threw him; and having no other weapons, but their fists, pounded one another to some purpose. The Woman fearing what mischief might ensue, put her head out at the window, and cryed Murder as loud as she could bawl; the Watch (hearing murder cryed out) came running to[running to] the house with all speed (not dreaming they should see again that Spirit which had so lately frighted them) and perceiving a great bustle in the house, and the same horrid noise continuing, they broke open the doors, and entring, found two men scuffling in their shirts, having blooded one the other sufficiently (this bleeding excused very well the other blood that came from the firked-back and breech of my Gallant) I say, finding them in this bloody condition, they doubted they had injured one another with some sharp instrument; they needed not to search farther than their hands, having neither of them more cloathes to conceal anything than what modesty commanded. Notwithstanding they were parted by the Watch, yet they could not hold their hands off one another; which caused the Watch to interpose again, and now they resolved to secure them that night (from further mischieving one the other) at the Watch-houses, and so commanded them to put on their Cloaths; which the one quickly did, but the other could not. It would have been worth all my revenge to have seen in what confusion he stood, at that word of command, or to have known what the watch-men thought when they saw their Prisoner could finde no Cloaths.

Though their wonder was great, yet they resolved to have their curiosity resolved; and therefore askt him, where were his cloaths, and how he come, or how he could be without them? by the way, surely there was not much wit in that Constable and his Watch: for had they had any, they might presently have concluded (from the posture they found those Gentlemen in) that they were a couple of mendicant Poets, who had but one suit of apparrel between them, that when the one went abroad, a wheedling, the other was forc’d to lye a bed a staring; and disputing who should next scout abroad to find out the Enemies of famine, and not agreeing upon the point, fell together by the ears. But to return where I left of, the Constable having interrogated him as aforesaid, he (endeavouring[(endeavouring] to excuse himself, and palliate the scuruy usage of his revengeful Mistriss) answered him, that walking that after noon, it was his mischance, by a push of that Gentleman they found him fighting with, to fall into a Common-house, (Pox on his witty allusion) and that having no suit than that, he intended to have lain in bed till it had been cleansed and dried. That the Gentleman aforesaid would not let him rest, but came into his Chamber, and with scoffing and irritating expressions, provok’d him to rise, and endeavour to be rid of his trouble.

The other told the Constable, that what was said was a greater lye than the Devil could invent; that the cause of the Quarrel was his endeavouring to hinder his Leachery that night, by preventing his Landlady from going to bed to him. The Woman hearing this, replyed, they were both of them a couple of confounded lyars, and (that she might make one of the number) told them; that they intended to have ravisht her, and that the one breaking up her Chamber-door, the other followed, and fell together by the ears, who should be the first Actor in their damn’d design: to prevent which, she was compell’d to cry out Murther, upon which they withdrew out of her Chamber, and went into one of their own, where (said she) you find them like a couple of malicious dogs, fighting for that morsel neither of the Curs is ever likely to taste of.

This Forgery was more semblable to probability in the Constables opinion, than any thing else he had heard. Wherefore not to spend further time in examination, he charged his Watchmen with my two Gentlemen, and so inconsiderately rash he was, that he vow’d they should go with him; and had carried them in that very condition, had not the Woman of the house interceeded, that she might cloath his nakedness as well as she could for the present; hereupon she furnished him with a Peticoat of her own, having no other Cloathes that would fit him: instead of a cloak, she helpt him to a red Rugg; and to crown all, she clapt upon his head her straw-hat. Had it been day-light, it would have been worth twelve pence a piece to have seen this Slavonian, whose garb, for strangeness, the barbarous World might admire, but never imitate. I do not hear that he over-slept himself that night; nor can I believe that the morning gave his eyes no great satisfaction, in viewing the preposterousness of his habit; and his Twinklers lookt, as I am inform’d, as if they had been imployed in nothing all that night, but on looking on the phantasms[phantasms] of some of his dead and damn’d acquaintance.

I slept but little my self, that night, partly, by thinking how this revengful[revengful] plot of mine would take effect, but chiefly, by reason of my unsatisfied Bed-fellow, who kept me waking, in spight of my teeth. However I arose early, and being but a little way distant, soon got home; where arrived, I understood from my husband, that my Rings were restored, that he had left me his Breeches, as owning me his Master; and so he might well acknowledge, for he was never so whipt for being a naughty Boy, as I caused him to be; and well he escap’d so, having like to have left behind him a most pretious remedy against several female distempers; a Recipe, as infallible against all manner of obstructions, as ever was applyed to any Chalk, or Oatmeal Eater, since Eve lay in with Cain in her first Child bed. Immediately after I heard of the rest of that Knights incomparable Adventures, and how he was secured; and had a particular account of the pleasant dress he was in: never did any thing tickle me more, than the Relation, how amply and fully I was, revenged of him; yet I could not but entertain a thought that might incline to pity him; but it would extend no further then than to send him his Cloathes, and withall a Letter, to give my self the plenary satisfaction of laughing at him; and those sufferings he underwent by my procurement; the words and sense were to this purpose.

The Letter.

Sir,

I am much troubled that one of your age and experiance should prove so meer a Novice in Loves-School, as to be guilty of an amorous erratum, that should deserve the lash: I see now you are a meer Baby in our Sex, and ought to be whipt again into a better understanding. What, trust that Woman whom you have abused! Why, a Child of the first head, in the nonage of Amorous matters, in the Hanging sleeves of Courtship, knew this as a Maxime--that if Love, though never so fervent, be once by abuse converted into hatred, the woman is indefatigable in her revenge, till Death hath put an end to the Controversie. Henceforth be better advised from me, how you behave your self before your little Sparkling Goddesses (as wantonly you are pleased to call them;) if you will preserve your good esteem and be dayly cherisht with their Soul-winning and ravishing Smiles, you must not be relax in your offerings; but if by slighting, cozenage, &c. you instigate their incest Deities to revenge, nothing but an absence, as distant as the two Poles, shall protect you from their subtle and speedy revenge. And now, thank me Sir, that mine hath fallen so slightly on your Shoulders, having given a stript Simmar, for the Gown I should have had: I am sorry though, I had not secured you witnesses of manhood, that they might have been Testimonies continually by me, to assure my self you will not for the future abuse my love, by fondly affecting an other. Lastly, hearing that you are clad, as if you were sent Embassadour from the Northern Witches to their Emperor the Devil, I thought fit to send you some Cloaths (in lieu of those Rings you left with my Husband) which are more sutable for humain conversation. But let me advise you, haunt me no more in them, lest I conjure you out of them again, and the Devil into you. Be wise, and have a care of being amorous, when pennyless.

Your abused, in part

revenged, &c.

I commanded the Messenger to observe his carriage in reading the Letter; who told me, all the mad-men in the World, put them altogether, could not in their most extravagant gestures, have exprest madness so to the life as he did. However, he was not so mad, but that he did put on his Cloaths, which upon old acquaintance so complyed, as to fit him to a hair. Soon after he was discharged; and now invoking the Devil to be of his Cabinet Council, he walkt into a solitary place, that he might hatch mischief, that is, be revenged on me, my Husband, or any else that he supposed might be his rivals. He was quickly furnished with a mischievous design, agreeable to his desire; and how could he otherwise, for there are millions of hellish imps of the worser sort, who continually attend the motions of the malitious and revengeful, to execute the commands of such who care not how they precipitate others and themselves into ruine and destruction.

This stratagem he contrived, by the help of a little credit he had yet surviving, he puts himself into a new riding garb, mounted with sword and pistol; having gotten a Perriwig of a colour clean contrary to what he usually wore; having for the better carrying on his Plot, procured a false beard, with a black patch on one of his eyes; in this disguise, the most discerning eye of his most intimate, and familiar friends and acquaintance, could not have discovered him who he was. In this equipage he rides out of town, some half-score miles, only to dirty his horse and boots; and leaves a Letter with a Friend to be delivered to my own hands, in these terms.

The Answer to the former Letter.

Madam,

Or rather Mad-dame, for she that is madder that you was begotten in Monte Gibello, where troubling the Sulphurous wombe of that burning Mountain, was belcht into the World, and carried on the back of a whirlwind, to disturb the inhabitants thereof. Think not I will trouble my self to answer particularly every flouting invective, the which your letter is stuft withal, but shall tell you in general, you are too dangerously wicked for my acquaintance; and he that intends to contract a friendship with Hell, must first shake hands with you; your eyes will be his light, to guide him; your cheeks, and breasts, are his highway; and your mouth the gate or entrance thereinto. I do not intend to buy repentance at so dear a rate, as ever to see you again; therefore your threats were needless. I am not yet fallen in love with my winding-sheet, that I should court Death, or hug a Contagion. My sense of smelling is indifferently well recovered of its late distemper, and can now distinguish the scent of sound Bodies from putrifaction. My eyes too have regained their sight, and can plainly see the she-devil in you, maugre all the paint, and fucus, that is on that daub’d face of thine. Prithee name me not at any time, lest[lest] thy breath for ever poyson my memory; and to that intent, forget that ever I had a being; and so wishing thou never hadst one, I take my eternal farewell of thee, &c.

This Letter he sent me, to the intent I might believe he was so far from revenging himself on me, that he never intended to see me more; by which means he facilitated his purpose. In prosecution thereof; late in the evening he came to Town, and directed his course to our house; upon his alighting, he seemed much tyred, which we verily believed, his horse being all of a foam; and desiring his Chamber might be shewn him, it was done accordingly; and order being taken for a Sack-posset, he supt it up, and laid his head to rest; he lay abed somewhat long the next day, pretending indisposition by reason of his long journey, but getting up; he seemed somewhat pleasant, calling for a pint of Sack for his and his Land-ladyes Mornings draught, assuring me, that as a stranger he would not be indebted for any civilities he should receive in my house. I on the other side, seeing him so forward to part from his money, gave him a considerable lift by my usual way of spunging. Dinner time approaching I askt him what he would have; who ordered me to provide variety of what was in season; not imagining that Table, on which this meat should stand, should so soon prove the Stage on which a bloody Tragedy must be acted. A little before we sate down to dinner, I sent for my friend (that lay with me that night I acted my revenge) to participate in our good cheer; who coming, we sate down together, there being no other, than this disguised Gentleman, my Husband, my Self, and Friend. We did eat, and drink freely; about half dinner this Gentleman seemed to be very officious in helping me, at last, Madam, said he, I will help you to one bit more, which you shall not refuse for my sake; I returning him thanks, in an instant he whipt off with his knife, my Husbands ear, and laid it hastily on my Trencher; and turning his head quick about, be not angry, Sir, (said he) you shall have bitt for bitt; and thereupon endeavoured to cut off my nose, but I was to nimble for him, and by running out escap’d the danger; my Friend observing what had past, being too suddenly done to be prevented, stept from the Table, and drawing, bid the Rogue disguised draw too, or he would pin him to the wall, for this matchless piece of villany; whereupon he did, but behaved himself so ill, that my friend wounded him desperately in the body at the first pass; concluding he had received his Mortal wound, he resolved not to die alone, wherefore he made a full pass, and so running upon his Adversaries point, each dyed at once by the swords of one another. I soon returned with a long train of Mirmidons, whom I had instructed how to chastise this insolence; but Lord! what a confusion was I in, when I saw the two combatants lye dead on the floor, and my Husband gazing on them motionless, like one converted into a Statue for the loss of his ear; which he should have lost, by right, long before that time.

Some more busie then the rest, stirring their bodies, the false beard of the disguised fell off, by which he was presently known who he was; and because it was every where known through the town, how this Gentleman had spent what he had on me, and was abused for his pains; I was immediatly cryed out upon, as the Authoress of all this mischief, I endeavoured to excuse my self, by relating what he had done; viz. the cutting my Husbands Ear off and the endeavouring to cut off my Nose; but this allegation signified little. Searching his pockets, they found a note, or letter, sealed, & seeing it was directed to me, they then, without my consent, break it open, imagining they should find therein the mystery of this tragical encounter but all they could discover was only his intention of cutting off my Nose, and my Husbands Ear: the Lines were these which follow.

Insatiate Strumpet; perjur’d-painted-Whore,

Who hast the vice of all thy Sex, and more,

Devil, nay worse; for thou canst by thy face

Make Men Apostate in the State of Grace.

By thee I fell; then did my Pagan knee

Oft render Worship to thy Devilree.

I (being converted) Idols won’t allow;

Down must the Dagon of thy face I vow.

See where it lyes; that Idol, once ador’d,

Must be for want of it, by all abhor’d.

Thy Husband lends an Ear, then let thy Nose,

To Sister-Sense her wretched State disclose.

And then consult thy Glass; See thy fare face

Is vanisht, and Deaths-head stands in the place.

Thy lips some Nectar sipt from I suppose

Will be exclaim’d on, fogh, they want a Nose.

And may thy sparkling eyes, which me did win,

Be thought to kindle from a fire within.

May ulcers seize thee, for the wrong th’ast done,

And living rott, without compassion.

The rumour of this sad disaster ran swifter than a Torrent through the Town; insomuch that our house was so cram’d with People, that our servants were forc’d to acquit their imployments, to give room to the inquisitive In-comers, a chirurgeon was sent for to dress my Husband; & a Coroner to sit upon the other two that were slain; glad I was, that I had the opportune excuse to leave the Company; and attend my Husband; by which means I avoided the hearing so many thousand accrimations that were laid to my charge. In the meantime the Jury found their Deaths hapned by Man-slaughter: and so thereby though we were present, we could not be found accessories.

The noise of this accident did also flye into the Countrey, not escapeing the ear hardly of any one Guest that frequented our House; report had rendred the Fact so horrible, and my Husband and Self so notoriously accessory thereunto, and now all our former wickedness, and roguery was drawn up in a long Scrol, and this last added in Capitals, to make up a compleat Sum of Villany. By which means we had little resort to our House; and our House-rent being great, and our Trading small, my Husband and I were now necessitated to put our heads together, by some other means to patch up a future lively-hood. Thou seest, said he, the more serious, and reputable sort of People, shun our house, as if old Belzebub were there sitting abrood to hatch those diseases which should be the destruction of the Universe. And therefore to be revenged of their thus slighting us, I will meet them abroad, and what moneys they forbear to spend with me, I will compel them to lend, and more. Though I am not stout and resolute enough of my self to do this, yet thou knowest Humphrey our Tapster, is a strong Fellow, and hath a good heart; he and I, fear not, will do the business.

For my part, I must needs confess, I question’d not Humphrey’s performances, having made tryal again thereof; I ever fancyed to try experience, and marking what a rough-hew’n Fellow he was, all Bone and Sinew, with a face like a tann’d Bulls hide, I could not be at quiet, till I had found the difference between this Man, nerv’d with wire, and others, that were clean limb’d, and streight slender bodyed joynted like Bartholomew Babies, with quaking Custard faces; but so vast a disproportion between them, that were I Widdow; and were courted by a Knight worth five thousand pounds a year, with a handsom fair whitely face, I should hardly be perswaded to accept of a Lady-ship, but for the sake of his revenew.

To be short, Sir Philip Sidney’s Cowards were not much ranker than my Husband; but, thought I, if he hath courage enough to look a Man in the face, and bid him stand, Humphrey hath strength, and valour enough to compel them to deliver. Wherefore I perswaded my Husband by all means to go forward with what he had propounded: I was the more willing to it, in hopes that he would be taken some time or other; and as he was marked for a Knave, so he might be hang’d for a Thief; and so be freed from an impotent Husband. He seemed well satisfied that I assented to his proposal, and look’d upon it to be a good Omen, and promised success to his undertaking. On the other side (said he) you must not be idle at home; you know there is now none but the debauched that resort to our house, and therefore suit their inclination, if ought can be gotten by so doing. Your daughter is young, and handsom, let her be the sign to attract; but pray let me have you furnish your self with other Utensils. The Boy too is no fool, who, by observing your carriage, and direction, hath very ill spent his time, if he cannot tolerably pimp as well for others, as his Mother. Well, well, (said I) husband, you are merrily disposed; look after your business, I shall manage my own well enough, I warrant you. My Husband and his Tapster, committed many robberies in a little time: and very few but what were on our Guests; who freely discoursing their affairs over a glass of Wine after Supper, many times discovering what store of money they carried with them, and for what purpose, gave them a fair opportunity in the Morning to set on them, and deprive them of it. Nay, so little suspected he was of robbing, that several have returned to our house after he hath robb’d them, and made their complaint to him, how basely they had been abused; it was alwayes his care, and indeed therein he shewed the utmost of his prudence, to return home with all the speed he might possibly, after he had rob’d any; by which means, he and his Man rob’d a long time secretly.

It was generally their good fortune to meet with such as durst not fight them; a thing that Travellers generally, and justly, are to be condemned for; who, with easie parting with their money, they not only shew how meanly spirited they are, but encourage the Thief in his robberies. Whereas, on the contrary, would they shew themselves as desperate, and as resolute as their assaulters, it is my opinion they would quickly turn tail, as not daring to venture the hazard of the dispute. But to return, though my Husband succeeded so well in his attempts, by meeting with none but Cow-hearted fellows; yet once, waiting with his man in a thicket, earely in the morning, for the passing by of a Gentleman that had lain the night before in our house, who had a considerable Sum of Money, in his Port-mantle, there travelled by another in the dawning of the day, whom, by a mistake, my husband assaults; the other drawing a Pistol, fired it at him, but mist him; however, the report had like to have done as much mischief, as if the bullet had past through his body, for with fear he fell from his horse; and had like to have saved the Hangman a labour, by breaking his own neck. Our Tapster seeing his Master fall, and verily believing he was kill’d by that was resolved to revenge his death, had not he seen another come Rideing to him (which was the Gentleman they lay in wait for) which made him altar his purpose, and ride away, for the preservation of his own life. The Gentleman supposing too, that he had really dispatcht this Pad, not seeing him move all this while (which he confest to me afterwards, he politickly did, to the intent he might be exempted from fighting, and securely see the event of the Combat: the other two that came to his assistance judg’d the same, and advised him to ride away with all speed to the next Justice; not only to avoid the present danger, for (said he) this other Rogue is rid away but to get some more of his fellows, to make a further attempt) but you will also receive the thanks of the Country, for destroying such Caterpillars, that eat up the Fruit of their Land. Setting Spurrs to their Horses away they Gallopt, to find out the next Justice; my Husband perceiving they were gone, got up, and mounting rode full speed home, without so much as once looking behind him. Coming home, he found me almost drown’d in tears, and half frighted out of my wits; not so much for sorrow of his death (which news I had privately sent me by our Tapster) but for fear, as soon as it should be known who this slain Thief was, I should have my goods instantly siezed on, and my doors shut up. I was in a Room by my self, getting some Plate together, with other choice portable things; and coming to the stair head, with an intent to convey them out of the house, met with my Husband full butt; whose face being pale and wan, by reason of his late great fear, possest me with so strong a conceit, that this was his Ghost, that the fright made me skreek out, and letting fall what I had in my Apron, I retreated. This sudden surprize so amazed him, that he stood indeed like an apparition at the Chamber-door, and had not the power to come in: this increast my belief, however, I pluckt up my Spirits, and boldly askt him, what he was, and what he came for? He sneakingly, in a low voyce, (for he was more than half dead) answered, he was my Husband, and that he came to see me. My Husband, said I is dead; and if thou be his damn’d Ghost, I conjure thee, by all that is good, presently depart, and trouble me not now, since whilst living, I could never be content, nor at quiet for thee. Not speaking one word, he turn’d his back upon me, and went down stairs. I never believed my self a Conjurer till now (although I have been called Witch a thousand times) and indeed I knew not what to think of it, (comparing altogether) whether this was a phantasm, or not, but troubling my thoughts no further about that matter, I took up what I had dropt, and getting into the yard, would have march’d off with what I had in my lap, had he not hastened after me, and holding me fast by the arm, told me, that he was not quite dead, though almost frightned out of his life, and therefore begg’d me I would not remove any thing that might tend to his prejudice; and if I would walk in, he would tell me his whole morning Adventure.

The two Gentlemen coming to the Justice, amply declared what an eminent piece of Service they had done their Country, by killing on the place one Padder, and putting to flight another; and that if his Worship pleased to Summon a quantity of the Parish, to defend them if occasion should require, they would shew them the place where the dead lay. Hereupon there were a great many that offered themselves freely to go along; but coming to the place, found neither man, nor horse, nor the sign of one drop of blood. The Countrey People finding themselves thus abused, and not knowing what the design of these two Gentlemen might be, in putting such a trick upon them, laid hold on them, and carried them back to the Justice; who being informed that there was not the least appearance of what had pretendedly been done, askt them the reason, why they thus abused themselves and others, with meer forgeries: to which they both replyed, that their eyes had seen what their tongues related, and concluded, that other padders, confederate with this, had carried off the Body of their Brother, that they might avoid suspition. The Justice and others were of the same opinion, and so the Gentlemen were dismist.

Our Tapster hearing that his Master was in health, returned home, resolving for the future, never to hazard his life with so great a peice of cowardize; and to speak the truth, it was high time to leave off, since they were shrewdly suspected by the whole Town to be High-way men, they being seen so often together on Horse-back, both early and late. My Trade however diminisht not, for I was taken notice of, all the Country round, to be a dealer in secrets, and ready money commodities; nay, there were not a few honest mens wives, that would not stick to trust me in the disposal of the whole Cargo of their reputation. Nay, I was so excellent at my art, that neither Privateer, nor Publican would act any difficult matter without my advice. I could Pimp, if occasion served most incomparably; and I was lookt upon as the best Procuress in all our Countrey; which I would not have been, but that I was so much tyred with my daily, nay, hourly Visitants; for though Age and Time have conspired to ruine the glories of my face, I can assure you, the remains may inform any they were good. Being so generally noted not only for my beauty, but my art in Pandarizing, a Song was composed on me by some riming Doggril or other, which I will sing you thus, and so finish the Story of my former lifes actions,

1. At the Sign of the Swan

There liveth a man,

I go not about to deceive you;

Ten thousand to one,

If you come, he is gone,

That his Wife may the better receive you.

2. Lovely brown is her hair,

Her face comely fair,

Her waste you may span, ’tis so slender;

Negro black are eyes,

Passing white are her thighs,

All the allurements of Venus attend her.

3. Her Twins of delight,

(Which are alwayes in sight)

Her breasts which are whiter than snow,

By their panting do beat

An Alarm to the feat,

To combate her Lovers below.

4. With her smiles she invites

To taste her delights;

Which I would, if I durst so presume;

But I fear she hath fires

Which will quench my desires,

But my body to ashes consume.

5. She’s an excellent Pimp,

The Devils best Imp;

She’s a Bawd, she’s a whore, that’s too common

If you intend for to fly

Hells flames, come not nigh;

She’s a thing, that is worse than a Woman.

CHAP. VI.

Mrs. Dorothy goes with her new Acquaintance, who perswades her to accommodate a barren Gentlewoman a friend of hers, with her child, as soon as born. A character of this Gentlewoman, and her amorous practices: the manner of her being rob’d by one of her Gallants; he is apprehended and executed. Mrs. Dorothy is delivered of a Boy, who is made Heir to a great Estate, and she highly rewarded for her consent.

The Old Woman having thus finisht her Story, she addrest her self to me, saying, Dear Heart, you see how free I have been with you, not concealing from your knowledg any one remarkable passage of my life, though never so infamous or scandalous. I, and though our acquaintance is very young, yet put your confidence in me, and question not, but that I shall so assist you in the management of your concerns, that you shall have cause to thank me as long as you live. Hereupon she acquainted me, that there was a Gentleman (not far off) well known to her, that had been married a dozen years and upwards to a very beautiful, and well proportion’d Gentlewoman; yet had no issue by her; that for want of an Heir, the Estate after his decease would fall to the younger Brother; that it was a very great grief to the Gentleman, but especially to his Wife; and (said she) this Gentlewoman knowing me to be a person fit to be advised withal about matters of this nature, often sent for me to her house, where some years since, I counselled her to make trial, whether she or Husband was in fault; in order thereunto I have helpt her at times to the enjoyment of at least a score of several lusty young Persons. And because I would take the surest way, she never had more than one at one time, and him neither not above a quarter of a year together; he then frustrating our expectations, I counsell’d her to make tryal of another. The first I made choice of for her, was a proper young flaxen-hair’d man, tall and slender; a delicate young man he was indeed, whose complexion (being Sanguine) furnished him with more heat than is in any other temperature; which made his hair like fine threads of Gold, twirl in rings, or rather you might call them the lines and hooks with which the little wanton God of love did usually angle for female hearts; had you seen them, you would have sworn that they were sufficient to catch the heart of a Vestal-Maiden, or the most resolved Votaress to Chastity, that ever had a being. His eyes, quick and nimble, and penetrateing; he had a strong fancy, a quick invention, and a most incomparable utterance; and his carriage and deportment was incredible winning; whose single touch of the hand was sufficient to have thaw’d the most congealed-frozen temper in the world into affection. Notwithstanding all these allurements, and feir promising properties with near upon an half years mutual converse with each other, she found her expectations frustrated.

Being resolved to make further tryal (for she would not be convinc’d that she was either defective or barren,) she consulted me, how she might be rid of this her amorous Hot-spur, and have some other in his place, of a different constitution; alleadging that she being of the same complexion, she verily believed her impregnancy proceeded thence; saying further, that she had heard several, as Well Physitions as others strongly affirm, that the grand reason, why several Women have no children, was the too near affinity of their husbands complexion and constitution to their own; and that on the other side, none more infallible enjoy’d the fruits of their labours, the offspring of their bodies, than such, whose corporal temperaments were dissimilar or different.

Understanding her humour, I was resolved to comply with her in whatsoever she desired (being so profitable a friend to me) but I knew not how to displace her Sanguine complexion’d Gallant, who grew by this time a most passionate Lover; at length I bethought me to perswade him to sollicite her waiting Gentlewoman, making him believe that she was ardently in love with him, and that she had a good Sum by her, which would infallibly be at his devotion; my credulous young Gamester greedily swallowed my advice, and followed to a hair my dictations; having won her (for I know not who could withstand him) he came to me, and informed me of the time, and place, that he should commence those delights they intended to continue as long as life lasted; being joyful of this opportunity, I presently addrest my self to my Mistris, giving an account to her of her friends new courtship, and when it should be consumated; advising her to watch them, and catch them in the act, by which means she should be freed from his future addresses, and likewise confirm her Maids secresie and fidelity to her. All which she performed, by threatning her Maid to turn her away, and shame her to boot, if ever she associated her self, or entertained him again in her house; and calling him false, faithless man, and I know not what, banisht him for ever from her presence for his unconstancy.

The next Dick I pickt up for her was a man of a colour as contrary to the former, as light is to darkness, being swarthy; whose hair was as black as a sloe; middle statur’d, well set, both strong and active, a man so universally tryed, and so fruitfully succesful, that there was hardly any female within ten miles gotten with child in hugger-mugger, but he was more than suspected to be Father of all the legitimate. Yet this too, proved an ineffectual Operator. She now began to suspect herself of barrenness; but being prompted with hopes, and strangely induced by the sense of pleasure which she reapt in the variety of her amorous Confidents, she resolved on a third, a Gentle-man of her own election, who having been a considerable time a Student in the Inns of Court, was returned into the Country, to enjoy that plentiful estate his lately deceas’d father had left him, the antient Seat of his Ancestors; of stature so low, that he could but just take the upper-hand of a dwarf, being only elevated by the pole above him. She was fain at first to Court him, instead of his courting her: and indeed, I could not see how he could presume (without her encouragement) to caress a Gyantess, so much taller than himself.

There was not so great a disproportion in their bodies, as there were conformity and agreeableness in their wills; and that the Soul of his which was coopt up, and confined within too narrow limits, became more active and vigorous; so that attacking her with a lively and sprightful courage possessed himself of the garrison without a tedious siege of a 12 months courtship, his hair was of a darkish brown, or chest-nut colour, not handsome enough to be a woman, yet too fair to be a man. Though he was not tall, yet nature exprest no irregularity in his formation: being symmetrical, or proportionably composed from the lines of his face you might have collected Capital Letters enough to have spelt a Gentleman; and not an action, or expression of his (excepting this of his too intimate familiarity with another mans wife) which did not largely declare the immensity of his Soul, and the virtues that thereunto belonged.

So dearly she loved him, (that notwithstanding he did not answer her expeditions in making her Belly swell) she so doted on his Company, and converse, that she gave her husband too many palpable causes to suspect her honesty, and integrity towards him. Not, but that for the sake of an Heir, (which[(which] he question’d whether he should ever get himself) he would be content to wink (as he hath done several times) at the freedome his wife hath taken with several others besides himself. But looking on my little dapper squire to be to little for that purpose, and that would come short home, as to that business, took an occasion to affront him, that it might produce a quarrel, that should eloign him from his house, and further intimacy with his wife. However, though he had low and undervaluing thoughts of this Gentleman, by reason of his stature, yet he found him in field, full as tall as himself in true valour, being (as we say) mettle to the back. It was the hap of this Gentleman to be desperately wounded by the lesser, and so dangerously, that it was supposed his wounds would end all the future differences between them; however recovering this Combate separated them eternally.

My Mistris was so well acquainted with the loss of her Gallants, that she was not much troubled to be deprived of the society of this last; but all her trouble was, to get another in his room. Shee applyed her self to me again, her undeceiving Oracle, and received her accustomed comfort, that in a little time I would procure her another, that should out-throw the rest, at least a Barrs length; I was not long in the procuration; for there was a Gentleman that frequented our House, who spent his money very freely, yet had not a foot of land, neither had he any trade, or tools, but the high way, sword and pistol to bring him in a lively hood. He was a lusty well set man, and red-hair’d; a complexion that hath often gone through-stich. I had often tryed him my self, and therefore I could the better recommend him to a friend. One day (his stock being low, and he at that time in our house) he desired me to lend him half a peice. I being glad of this opportunity, told him I would, and withall desired to confer with him in private; he joyfully accepted my motion, thinking I had some secret design to take my accustomed use for the loan; but he was strangly surprized, and even distracted with excessive joy, when he heard me tell him, what a Mistris I had provided for him; that he should have his belly full of sporting, & be liberally paid for it too. We appointed the day when I should introduce him into his new Mistriss’s acquaintance, but with this condition, that I should share with him in his gettings. It was concluded on, and he possest of his Treasure, to the full content of them both. My House was now his constant receptacle, or dormitory, but when he was in the embraces of his mistress; and he was very honest in giving me my share, my half part, and commonly spent the rest (to my advantage) of what he had received; and to the intent the more might come into my pocket, I advised her by all means not to starve his service, but incourage him often with sums of money; urging moreover, that the poor Gentleman could not but be at great charges in maintaining himself in a strange place, exiling himself freely from his own habitation, to be near at her Command; beside the great expence he is daily at in costly broths, jellies, with other provocatives, or restorers of decai’d nature.

I needed not to have tempted her to liberality, she being naturally prone thereunto; always extravagantly rewarding kindnesses of this nature. She began now to grow very pensive, and unusually melancholy, to see all her swelling hopes thus dasht; and was not so sociable as she used to be with her friend; which gave him some cause to suspect her inconstancie, or that she would speedily desert him, and accept some other; which put him on the contrivance to save something, that might be a support to him, if his sallary should fail, or at leastwise keep him alive, till his Country-Contributions, or padding incomes should supply his profuse, and unnecessary expences.

When ever he came, she entertain’d him with such an undeserved franckness, that she concealed nothing from him, that might either please his fancie, or satisfie his curiosity. Understanding she was admirable at her Needle, he desired her to shew him some pieces of her art, that he might by the applauding of the one admire the other. She readily condescended to what he propounded; being glad he had demanded a thing which came within the verge of her power to please him withal. Opening a large Cypress-Chest, she shew’d him great variety of excellent pieces of her own hand-working; and withal he discovered several bags cramm’d with other pieces, which he had a greater minde to handle; which I conceiv’d she shew’d him out of meer ostentation, telling him withal, that as long as one penny was in them his pockets should not be unfurnisht with money; and that when all those bags were emptied, her Husbands annual estate would quickly fill them again, and six times as many.

This assurance of having his constant stipend continued, prevailed not in the least on this Caret-pated villains ingrateful designs; but he resolved, with the first opportunity, to make himself Master of those sums, although he knew he must unavoydably lose his Mistress thereby; the next morning she sent for him, to acquaint him, that her Husband was gone some twenty miles off, and that he would not return in five days, having 300 lib. to receive of such a man, naming the place where he lived. This damn’d Dog, hearing this, caper’d for joy, which the poor Innocent believed, proceeded from his thinking what a long time he had to enjoy his Mistress uncontroulably: whereas it was otherwise, for now he knew how to kill two Birds with one stone.

However, that she might not mistrust him as guilty of any treachery, he behaved himself so pleasantly and his Caresses were so agreeable, that his Mistress esteem’d her self the happiest woman in the world, in the enjoyment of the person of so facetious, and most accomplisht Lover; nay, so fond she was of his company, that she was resolved to make the most of him in her husbands absence; and therefore caused him to lie in the house, not induring him out of her sight, till the day before her husbands returne; at which time he walkt out: what feastings, junketings and jollitings together there were in that time, none are better able to conceive than such who, with their large purses, have inlarged hearts, caring not how dear the purchase is, so that the pleasure be great, though not of two minutes lasting. You must understand, that I went snips with him in these delights, as well as in his profits; I had a liquorish tooth still in my head, and therefore would not be out of call, to participate with them in their Viands, and Banquetings; Indeed, I was ever an excellent smell feast.

The day (wherein he went abroad, as I told you) was the cursed time in which he procured assistants, to carry on his hellish plot, which had like to have proved my utter ruine. It seems he appointed them about four of the clock in the evening to come to the Gentlewomans house, where (as before) we were all making merry; and knowing the strength of the house, there being never a man at home, the Groom being gone with his Master, and only a foot-boy left, he appointed only two that should manage the design beside himself; who knocking at the gate, and the foot-boy opening it to them, they instantly seiz’d him, both binding, and gagging him. Having bolted the Gate, they advanced into the house, and seemingly very peaceful, they mounted the stairs, having secured those who were below in the same manner, as they had done the boy; as soon I saw two men now entring the Chamber, where we were, I then concluded that we were betrai’d, and that the principal Traytor was our supposed friend; I hereupon opened as wide as my jaws would give me leave; which one of the rogues perceiving, clapt a gag within my mouth, and so kept them at that gaping distance, the Rogues might have had some consideration before they had served me thus, as knowing I had few teeth to barricadoe my gums from the injury they might receive from that confounded instrument which stretcht my mouth asunder.

The good Gentlewoman, seeing how barbarously they handled me, did not question they would exercise the like cruelty next on her; to prevent which, she fell on her knees, beseeching them not to abuse her, and throwing them the keyes of what they lookt for, bid they take what they pleased. Her accursed Villain had the impudence to view the tears run down her lovely cheeks, without the least remorse, or pity on a soul so dearly loved him, he only raised her with his hands, assuring her, she should receive no other injurie than the loss of what money she shewed him, and his eternal happiness; for I know Madam (said he) how insatiate you are, how variable, how changeable upon the slightest occasion; I am not insensible what variety you have already tyred (the more to blame me that imforced him;) and how many more you intend, may be sufficiently drawn from your unsatisfied humour, and inconstant nature. And now if you love your life, stir not till we are gone; and thank our lenity, that we have not secured you other-wayes. Taking up the money, every one carrying a part; hold (said one) we have forgot something yet, that Ladies hands must be tyed, least she ungag that serious and now silent Matron there: her hands and legs must be tyed too, lest she talk or walk to fright us. Having so done, come now let us go (said the Red headed Traytor) it is high time, lest that old witch swallow on of us; don’t you see how she gapes? God b’you (good Madam) you are bound to be constant now; dear Partner (pointing to me) farewell, I thank you for your procuration money, and so away they went; in less than half an hour the Gentlewoman had with her teeth set her hands at liberty, which soon gave my hands, feet, and tongue the like, and discending the stairs, we found the maids, and boy bound, and gagg’d; having loos’d them she whisper’d her boy in the ear, I knew not what, but it was to fetch a Constable, which he did in an instant; and whilst I was condoleing my Friends loss, and misfortune, I was apprehended by her command, and conveyed to Goal, there to bewail my own too rigid fate.

I cannot much blame her suspition of me, since there were arguments too many, and strong enough to perswade her I could not be innocent, and therefore what ever I alledged in my justification stood for a Cypher. I sent for my husband, with many other friends, but none of them could prevail with her from sending me to Prison; seeing there was no remedy, I was resolved to endure my confinement as patiently as I could.

These three rogues had their horses not far off, ready sadled, which they mounting, rode directly in that road where they were sure to meet their prize; and as the Devil would have it, they waited not two hours, before they could perceive two riding directly towards them, and soon after could discern them to be the Gentleman and his groom; the first of an undaunted resolution, but weakly, by reason of a Chronical distemper, that had a long time afflicted him; his man, by his bulk, shape and looks, appeared like one that could teach a Guy of Warwick to fight, and give a president of such a valour, as only became a Royal Champion to own. The Gentleman was first commanded to stand and deliver, which he did, but it was a Pistol, which he discharged without any execution; they fired at him again; and wounding him in the sword arm, he dropt his sword, and whilst he was submitting to their disposal, his man sets spurs to his horse, and most valiantly ran for it; getting to the top of a little hill, not far distant, where turning his horse head, most manfully about, he had the confidence to look on, whilest the Thieves robb’d his Master.

The gentleman seeing himself thus deserted by this lubberly-cowardly Hog driver was ready to burst with anger; but knew not how to come at him to be revenged; and therefore begg’d the robbers, in lieu of what money they had taken from him, to do him the kindness, to baste his man soundly that stood on yonder[yonder] hill, as a meer looker on. I, I, said the one, I will give you that satisfaction presently my self alone, and so setting spurs to his horse, rode up to him, and complemented him no otherwise at first, than with the flat of his sword, which notwithstanding made his sides and shoulders smart to some purpose; this great looby took all this with incredible patience; but the Pad by chance cutting him; nay, now said he, flesh and blood is not longer able to endure; and with that drew a broad two egg’d Scotch-sword, and handled it so well, that he cut this fellow off his horse presently; the other two seeing their fellow over-matcht, advanced with all speed, and both assaulted him at once: but he seeing them approach, and being now blooded, made ready to receive them by drawing a Pistol, which he fired so luckily, that the shot deprived him of one of his enemies more, and he had now no inequality of number to oppose him. Success had so flesht him, that he fought more like a Devil, than a man, laying about him backwards, and forwards; so that he disinabled the third, which was the first Plotter. Had his Master been able to fight, and there had been as many more against him, he so behaved himself, that there was no work for any to do but himself. Thus did this one man, who had never fought before (and therefore like an horse, knew not his own strength till it was tryed) conquer three, that were accounted Cocks of the Hectors.

The Gentlemen searching their Portmancicks, and finding 400 lib. was amazed at so considerable a purchase; and securing it, with this surviving Rogue, and their Horses, rode directly to the next Justice; where leaving the Booty in his hands for the present, the Prisoner had his mittimus drawn up, and was sent to the same Gaol his Landlady[Landlady], the Hostess was in. Notwithstanding all those disguizes he made use of to seem another man, he was known by me, and received from me a whole broad side of just reproaches; which had like to have sunk him deeper, than the pressures of his present misfortunes could do. What (said I) did you not live too much at your ease? had you not but too much plenty, which took you off those desperate courses, or might have done, which would without doubt have brought you to the Gallowes in the end; but having so little regard to your own wellfare, I could not expect much from you as to mine; though gratitude might have commanded you to have studyed my preservation, although you should hourly hazard your own. Instead of applying smooth, and soothing answers (which might have been as Cordials, or Balsom to my wounded mind) he gave me this corrasive, this Choak-pear, that if I would not hold my clack, which dinn’d his ears worse than the Catarachts of Nile, he would declare before the Bench, upon his tryal, that he would never have done so foul a fact, but by my instigation; and that if I held not my tongue, he assured me, that (since he knew that it was impossible for him to escape with life) he loved me so well, that I should dye with him, to bear him company in the other world.

Perceiving what his desperate resolution was, I thought good to alter the Scene of my chat, and beg him to be patient; assuring him, that what I had said was not out of any ill will, but to make him sensible how much I was his friend at all times; and that my own imprisonment (for his sake) troubled me not so much, as the danger that he was in; and that he might accuse me, if he pleased, and so endanger my suffering with him; but I charged, withall, his Conscience with my innocencie in, and ignorance of what he and his accomplices had acted, contrary to my privity. It was some comfort to hear him then acknowledge before a great many witnesses, that I was no way accessary to his guilt; and when the Assizes came, he acknowledged upon his Arraignment, that none abetted, or were concerned in what he had done, and there stood arraigned for, but himself and two others, which were slain in the contest. Whereupon I was discharged by Proclamation of Court, none coming in against me; and he received sentence of death, which was accordingly executed three dayes afterward; he then again at the Gallows declaring to the spectators my innocencie in his robbery.

This Confession of his, I thought, would as well reintroduce me into the favour of the abused Gentlewoman, my former friend, as by his suffering death give full satisfaction to her inraged revenge. In order thereunto, after my Gaol delivery, I sent her several Letters to pacifie her passion, and imployed several friends to acquaint her with the reallity of my former fidelity, and present integrity: at length they so far mediated with her in my behalf, that she sent for me (when her Husband was abroad) and in the walks of her Garden, discourst me largely, as to whatever had past between us, or anybody else by my means. And now, said she, this last unhappy and unexpected villany from a friend you procured me, and one I dearly loved, hath tyed up my hands from ever enjoying the like opportunities again. For my Husband finding that the purchase he took from the Thieves was but a Pig of his own Sow, his own money, and knowing the principal Robber to be the Person I often treated at our house with much civility, shrewdly suspects, that I not only consented to the Robbery, but would be easily induced to believe to his death too, were it not for the great loss he knows I should receive by his death if he should dye without issue. However he is much more cautious of me than he used to be, taking his money into his own custody, and he sets a watch over me to observe what company I keep abroad, or entertain in our house: and therefore, if ever you intend to redeem your former credit and estimation with me, study some project how I may carry on the design afore propounded, of having an Heir, that the Estate may not pass to the next Brother. A man I cannot but hate, for several weighty considerations. The crookedness of his disposition, and the unsuitableness of his humour to mine, were sufficient to make me not love him; but his insufferable wicked practises, both against me, and my Husband, make me absolutely detest the very sight of him. When I was first married (quoth she) I thought my self as capable of conception as any she that ever wore a head; & my husband being then healthful, & actively vigorous, soon confirming me, in the opinion of being a teeming woman: It seems I was with child, though I knew it not; and finding a great change and alteration in my body, I was so ignorant, as to believe I was breeding some ill humours, which, if not timely purged away, might ingender a disease that might prove my death. My Husbands Brother (which was wiser than my self in that point) knew very well I was breeding young bones, the growth of which would infallibly lift him out of all his flourishing hopes of enjoying his Brothers Estate; therefore out of a seeming tenderness, and vigilant care of the presevation[presevation] of my health, followed my own perswations, with his damn’d advice; and at the end I was induc’d to take a vomit to clear my stomack, he telling me, for certain, it might be very foul, since I was so frequently troubled with puking in the morning, and vomiting after Dinner. An Apothecary of his own procuring (with his Devilish instructions) made up the Composition, which, without imagining the least harm, I easily swallowed, which wrought with me so strongly, that, having nothing left within my stomack for it to work on, I thought it would have brought up my very heart within its appurtenances; the Devil of a Physitian all this while seemed to comfort me, by saying, be cheerful, Sister; this will clear you (and so it did of what it should not) and clense you of those malignant humours which so much prejudiced your healthful constitution; and that he might make sure work of me, counselled me to take a purge, and that would carry all downwards, and then my business was done; I poor easie fool, was quickly drawn to it, and the second time swallowed that, which the next day made what I went withal prove abortive.

I had often seen, but more especially heard, that this Doctor was no sooner gone from his Patient, but he was immediatly in the Company of my brother, which made me, with a great deal of good reason, conjecture, they plotted no good together; wherefore I got two Doctors more to visit my Husband, who plainly told me, at the first sight (both agreeing in one opinion) that he was poysoned. Hearing them say so, I could not forbear; but, in the agony of my Spirit, cryed out, I know the Murderers; and their lives shall here, for the loss of his, make satisfaction in part, and in full, by their damnation hereafter. They desired me to be patient, assuring me that they would use their utmost skill to over-power the poyson; and doubtlessly he had dyed, had not these two eminent Artists bestirred themselves to purpose. In a little time they raised him on his feet (which made his former Doctor betake himself to his, having not been heard of by us since;) but they could not assure me how long it would be ere he would be down again; for (said they) he will be an infirm, impotent man, as long as he lives.

If now my hatred to my Husbands Brother be not justly grounded, do you judge; and I hope Heaven will not be offended with me, in finding out some way to disposses him of his hopes, in having the Estate, who rob’d me of my fruitfulness, and would have deprived my Husband of his life.

Madam (said I) there is just now a plot come into my head; which if you please, shall be put in practice, and that is this. Since your Husband is thus infirm, and you barren, this must be the only way, which must crown your desires. I will immediately go upon the search for some young thing with Child, whether she be Wife, nor neither Maid, Wife, nor Widdow, it matters not; whom with large gifts, and larger promises, I will perswade to part with her Child, when born, and you shall lye in with it; let me alone to the management of all; but first, let me find out a Person suitable to our purpose, and I will warrant you to carry on the rest to your full satisfaction. I will instantly for London where I cannot miss of Subjects enough of this sort, out of which I may pick and choose. She liked this proposal so well, that she would not suffer me to stay a minute longer with her, but that I should instantly leave her, and make my self ready for my Journey; and thus far have I travelled in order to the finishing thereof, when I met with so blessed an opportunity, of falling into discourse with you, Dearest Madam, which I hope will tend to both our happinesses, if you will be ruled by me.

Thus, said Mrs. Dorothy, I heard the whole relation of her self, and others, with great attention: and thought it was now my Cue to speak, which I did in this manner, not only cautelously, but with much seeming reservedness. Mother (for so, by the disparity of our Age, I make bold to call you) the account you give of your self is so monstrously wicked that I know not whether, with safety, I may interchange any further discourse with you; neither can I but take notice of your subtility, and matchless craftiness, as well as your unparallel’d debauchery, and wantonness; you may very well excuse me, if now I stand on my guard, and wearily entertain a parley with you; since you are known to be an old Souldier in the Wars of Venus, and so may fight too cunningly for me, that am but a stripling upon any such account. However make your proposals (and if I may be assured you pump me not to intrap me) as I find them faisable, and profitable for the future, I shall accept them, and be ready to be servicable to you, and your design.

The good old Gentlewoman, as one transported, by hugging me in her Arms, interrupted me, saying; Daughter, mistrust me not in this affair, and try whether I will not in a little time make you as happy as your own wishes can make you; and thereupon asked me how long I had been with Child, and whether I could be content, that, by anothers owning it, the Child hereafter might be owner of an Estate (it seems born to) the tenth part whereof none of my Ancestors ever yet enjoyed.

It is confest, said I, my own weakness, and Female frailty betraid me to unlawful embraces of a handsom young man, whose subtle sollicitations could not be withstood by a Nun, much less by me; and yielding, I now carry both the Sin and the shame of those stolen delights about me, where ever I go. That though it was my ill Fortune thus to lose (by one throw at play, inconsiderately) a thing of that value, my Maiden head I mean, yet it was some comfort to me, that it was a Gentleman of no mean worth that won it; and I question’d not but the off-spring would be like the Father, as well in the comely proportion of the Body, as Gallantry of Mind; being thus fully perswaded it will prove so goodly a Person, it will the more trouble me to part with it to another; that if I should do any such thing it is not for necessity; for, as I had money considerable of my own, before my deluding Lover came acquainted with me; yet, to compensate that single kindness, he hath so showred his Gold and Silver on me since, that my Wealth may procure a Match considerable enough, though my face carryed in it no other invitation. Come, come, Daughter (said the Old Woman) Something hath some savour: and although you have enough, yet more will do no harm; besides your Child will be well look’d after, well provided for (which you may see when you please) and you rid of that incumbrance, will be in a better condition for any one to sollicite you in Marriage. Being thus convinc’d by the subtle Arguments of this cunning Matron, I condescended to whatever she would have me to do; and so without further delay, the next morning we rode together to the House of this old Gentlewoman; where alighting, she had no sooner provided a necessary Room for me, and given order for my Supper, which was extraordinary, but her impatience immediately hurried her to the Gentlewoman, her Friend; and being out of breath, told her, as well as she could, that she had effected the business beyond expectation; but because she would not leave me too long, begg’d her excuse, promising the next morning a full account[account] of all her proceedings. That night was spent in all the jollity imaginable; Fowles of all sorts, and the choicest of the season were provided; Wine flowed so plentifully through every room of the House, that I wonder it did not reel into the streets. I am sure the servants would, had not a noise of Musick held them by the ears, whil’st their Legs caper’d like a pair of Drum-sticks. Although they took but little repose that night, yet my Hostess got up early to wait on her Correspondent, who had not slept that night, for the eager expectation to hear how her desires were accomplisht.

But overjoyed she was, when she saw the old Woman approach, who taking her aside in one of the walks of the garden, askt her how she had sped, and in what manner. The old woman (as much transported with joy as she) have patience, and I will tell you, said she; In my way to London, I met with several that had nibled on the bait of concupisence; but they were such flounder-mouth’d, draggle-tail’d, dirty Pusses, that I would not venture upon any of them; but at length comming to an Inn on the road, I accidentally fell into the Company of a Gentlewoman (which is this that I have now brought with me, to be serviceable to you) who by her deportment informed me, that she was not meanly extracted; and by those wanton torches in her face, which Nature had drawn to allure, and captivate hearts, I guest she was not unacquainted with the Masculine gender; and as I imagined, so it proved; for I have so rigled my self by discourse into her concerns, that I soon made her unravel the bottom of her secrets. To be short, I found her every way fit for our purpose, and by an extraordinary device, I have made her ours; and that you may satisfie your self farther, I will bring her to the Park, a mile from your house, where I shall desire you to meet us in the afternoon. Hereupon she departed, and acquainted me how she had opened the way to consummate what we had agreed on; and so having dined, we went to the place appointed, where the Gentlewoman was already come to meet us.

The Gentlewoman seeing us at a distance, made up to us, but was strangely astonisht when she saw a person so unexpectedly handsome, and in a Garb which as much exceeded that which she wore, as the face she saw excelled most others that she had seen before; and therefore thought it requisite to make her address, as to a person of no mean Quality; yet thinking again, should she do so, I might think she mockt me; (for had I been nobly born and bred, I would never have condescended so low, as to prostitute my body to the unlawful embraces of some hot-blooded Gallant, and afterwards mercenarily expose the Infant to the disposal of a meer stranger;) therefore familiarly thus she spake; Sweet-heart, Though I never saw you before, I am not unacquainted with your affairs, and am much troubled, that so good a face should be so deluded, and grosly abused by any Promise-breaker of them all; but since what is past cannot be recalled, I shall endeavour to redress your misfortunes, after this manner; you shall lodge with a good old Gentlewoman, not far off, a friend of mine: but be sure you keep your self private; and when you have a mind to take the air, and enjoy your self, you shall not want a Coach to carry you whither you list, so it be far enough off: your provision at home, with all things necessary, and your expences abroad, shall be at my charge; all that I shall require of you is, that when you cry out in labour, your Childe may be at the dispose of your Landlady, whom I constitute your Guardian. If in the interim you want any thing, let me know it, and you shall be supplyed, and enjoy your self as freely, as if you were Empress of the whole World; and when you are discharged of your great belly, you shall not want a sum to make you a good portion for any honest man. Be not seen in the Town, and do not come to our house, but be ruled by your Guardian; and assure your self this, your Child shall be my Child, and what estate I have, or my Husband, shall be his: and so she took her leave of me, cramming my hand full of Jacobusses, as the earnest of a better penny.

I was forthwith conducted to this house, which was intended for my lodging privately, where I was entertain’d, according to instruction, with much respect and gallantry; a Maid was there ready provided to attend me, and there was nothing wanting in my entertainment to make my life comfortable, and my looks cheerful. Here did I merrily pass my time away, being often visited by my old Hostess, daily puzzling each others invention, what we should have for Dinner; what recreation in the afternoon; what for Supper, and what divertisement afterwards; how to make our pleasure more poyant by their diversity, and variety; but the greatest difficulty lay in our cunning projections of going abroad, which we knew we must carry with a world of secrecie, or spoil all whatever we intended to do.

In the mean time, the Gentle-woman (understanding my true reckoning, which was three moneths gone with Child) calculated her time accordingly, and gave out, she was with Child: every one admired at the news, having not had any in so long a time of marriage, and knew not whether they had best give credit to the report; her Husband would not be induced to believe it by any means, looking upon it as incredible, nay, almost impossible; but that which most of all favoured what she would have credited was her being troubled at that instant, with some hydropical humours, which had so swelled her belly, that she had much adoe from perswading her self, that she was really with Child. Her Husband perceiving this, from an Unbeliever became a Convert, and by his belief wrought all the Neighbourhood into the like perswation: but that which knockt the nail on the head, was the opinion of the Midwife (a Creature of the Gentlewomans, made absolute to her devotion by gifts, and promise of future rewards) which proclaimed it every where as a wonder, that one after so many years, having never born a Child, should now at last conceive. Neither was the kind, and over-indulgent Husband, backward in spreading ostentatiously, his glory, that he should at last be called Father, when all the glimmerings of those hopes were quite extinguisht. His joy made him so rash and inconsiderate, that he bespoke Gossips, and concluded upon a name for it, though he knew not whether it would be born alive, male or female. On the other side, the seemingly over-joyed woman provided clouts for the bantling, and all other things necessary, which an over-busie Lullaby could invent. So many wet Nurses were sent for, that they came tumbling to the house by dozens; and so many faults were found with them, that they Troopt off again as fast; one was dislik’d for her Hair, it being of a red colour, and therefore her milk was lookt upon as too hot, rank, and venemous; every one giving in their Verdict, that she should not be wholesome, since the Turks were accustomed to make the rankest poyson of the flesh of slaves that were red-hair’d. Another was too tall, and therefore slothfull, and unactive, being not talkative enough; a third not clear skinn’d, nor well featur’d, having a cast with the eye, which might be the ill pattern of directing the Childs eyes amiss: a 4th. had a too indulgent husband, whom they feared one time or other might curdle the Child’s milk, and so endanger its health: a fifth had had formerly sore Breasts, and they doubted from thence the Milky-way might be polluted: a sixth was too melancholly enclin’d, which they judged would not only prejudice her suck, but deprive her of the talking qualifications of most Nurses, who look upon the impertinent nonsensical tittle-tattle to their Children, to be the basis of all their future learning. With much adoe, they at length pitch upon a lovely brown woman, full grown, well featur’d, quick sighted, clear skinned, middle statur’d, with breasts little and round, her blood cirkling them in the pleasant blew Meanders of her veins. Now lest they should loose her, if she went out of their sight, she was hired, and entertained into the house immediatly, although her Mistriss had five moneths to go of her supposed time.

Though her Husband was extasied with joy, his Brother was moved by a contrary passion, his folly making him shew it, in so unseemly a way, that every one now concluded him that, which they only surmized before, a villain, that had both studied and practised the ruin of his nearest relations; & he was often accused & upbraided for so doing, that he was forc’d to leave the Town, and since is gone to a Cozen of his living in Barmudus.

My time began now to draw nigh, being groan so bigg I could not with convenience stir abroad, and too restless to stay at home. As I felt any pain, I caused my Mistriss to be acquainted therewith, that she might be so too; if I felt my self much disordered, I sent away her confident presently to allarm her; who acted her part as artificially, as I did it really. These out-cries of hers made the whole Garrison continually stand to their arms; there being about her continually the Midwife, Wet-Nurse, Dry Nurse, with many Neighbouring assistants: the Maids below ready at command, and a Man Midwife, if need should require with so many instruments ready fixt, as would with the very Iron set up a Black-smith: and all for the strangeness of shape, surpassing any rarity in Tredescants Collection.

After so many false allarms, a true one came at last, carried by our Confident aforesaid, with my Child in her lap; whose very appearance was watch-word enough for the Gentlewoman to express the pangs of Child-birth, which she did then in a more violent manner than before, imagining something more than ordinary: she approaching the bed askt her lowdly how she did, and how she felt her self, and at that very instant clapt the Child into Bed to her; who immediately skreeking out, the Midwife ran to her, where seeming to be busied about her a while, at length takes the Child from her, and doing with it, and her, as is usual; the news of this her happy delivery was conveyed to the Husband, who was near at hand, attending, and with tears lamenting the sad pain his poor wife underwent for him; but the joyful tydings of having a Son born, wip’d away all those tears, and so animated his feeble Carkass, that he would have entred the Room, before it was either Civil, or Convenient, had he not been stopt by meer force. I shall not trouble you by relating what an Universal rejoyceing there was through the whole house, but only inform you, that before the expiration of a moneth the Child was Christened, being as lovely a Child as could be born of a Woman, not any limb or part of his body, which did not promise to exceed his true Father in every thing. The Gentlewoman being up, as soon as she understood I was well and fully recovered, appear’d abroad in publick, whose happy delivery was by all congratulated. And to gratifie me, she sent me an hundred pieces of old Gold, desiring me to remove my Quarters, and to engage my tongue eternally to conceal the secret.

I now thought it high time to send to my two Gallants, who were obliged to me in bonds, the one to pay me fourty pound, and the other fifty, upon my delivery; they being both assured of the truth thereof, delayed me not, but sent me my moneys by the first conveniency, which added to my late purchase; and what money I had before, made up to weighty a portion, for so light an Houswife as my self.

CHAP. V.

Mrs Dorothy relates several passages in the Inn: as, how the Host drew Guests to his House, and then cheated them: the Boy by his Example, attempts to cheat, but is taken in the manner; is beaten by his Mistris, but is revenged of her and his Master; is turned over to be corrected by the Under Hostle, but is wittily, and pleasantly revenged on him.

I was now (continued Mrs Dorothy) rid of my great Belly, and instead of that, had a great Bag of money; and my Child being thus provided for, as I have told you, I retired from the place where I had lain in private, now to appear in publick at the House of my very good friend, the old Crony; part of whose Adventures I have already related to you: and since you have not thought me tedious in the discourse I have already made you, I shall give you an account of some such Transactions in her House, during my stay there, which, I believe, will be no less pleasant than what you have already heard: and then having made a short pause, we thuss proceeded.

The whole Family, consisting of her self, her Husband, a Son of about twenty four years of Age, and Daughter about nineteen, a Chamberlain, a Tapster or Winer, an Hostler, Cook-maid, Scullion, and two or three boyes; who were imployed under the others, were all alike, knavish enough, all guilty of such unparallel’d Knaveries as I have rarely heard of; and knowing of one anothers tricks, they out-vyed one another, striving and contending which should exceed in Roguery, and so sly and cunningly they carried it, that ’twas difficult to discover them, especially when they all joyned together to cheat or abuse any body; but when they fell out among themselves, they made excellent sport in acting the revenges they took upon one another.[another.] My Landlord loved his pleasure and profit so equally, that he made it his business to contrive how to joyn them together; and although he commonly had the best Custom of any house in the town, yet he would practice wayes to gain, and bring in more; among other wayes, he used this for one. He would take his Horse in an Afternoon, and ride out some ten or twelve miles, and so return home again; but he seldome came home, but he brought Guests with him, which he would take up by the way, thus.

If he saw a parcel of Travellers, who he thought to be good fellowes, and fit for his purpose, he would then enquire which way, and how far they travelled; to this they commonly answered, directly; and if they were for our Town, then he would joyn with them; and soon after, his second question would be, to know if they were acquainted at the Town, and at what Inn they would take up their Quarters: If they were strangers, and by that means indifferent of the place where they should lodge; then he told them, that the best Inn in the Town was his House, but not naming it to be his, or that he had any Interest in it, but only that he knew there was a good Hostess, who had a handsome Daughter that would use them well; and he seldom missed with this Bait to win them to agree to go thither with him, and accordingly to bring them home with him. But if they would not agree upon the place, and he saw there was no good to be done, then he would pretend some excuse to stay behind them, & would wait for such company as would at all points be for his turn; and with them would he enter the House as a Stranger: indeed he would call the Chamberlain, Hostler, and Tapster, by their Names; but they, who knew their Duties, would in no case shew any Duty to him. Then would he, as being acquainted in the House, tell his Fellow Travellers what provisions there was for Supper, and would be sure to draw them up to the highest Bill of Fare he could. If the Hostess, or her Daughters company were desired, he would be the forwardest to call them, and only treat and converse with them as of some small acquaintance; after supper, he would endeavour to draw on the Company to drink high, and use all possible means to enflame the reckoning; and when he saw they were well heated with wine, and the fury of their expences was over, he would pretend, out of good Husbandry, to call for a Reckoning before they went to bed, that they might not be mis-reckoned, or staid from the pursuit of their Journey in the Morning; to this they would commonly agree, and the Sum total of the reckoning being cast up, he would be the first man that would, without scruple, or inquiry into the particulars, lay down his share, and by his examples, the rest would follow; if any did question the dearness of the Victuals, or the quantity of the drink, he would by one means or other take them off, protesting that the Hostess was too honest to mis-reckon them, and that he had kept a just account himself, and was well satisfied; or else he should be as cautious from parting from his money as any of them; and then they, not distrusting him further, would by his example pay the shot. Thus would he many times, by his Crown or six shillings share, mis-reckon on them sixteen or twenty shillings; especially if they came to high drinking: and then the reckoning being paid, they went to bed, he retiring with his wife, and he would lye abed in the morning, and let them march off alone; but if they, in the Morning, did fall to drinking again, taking a hair of the Old Dog, then would he up, and at them again, make one at that sport, and many times put them out of capacity to Travel that day, and so keep them there to his profit, and their expences; he shifting his Liquor, and in the end, shifting himself out of their Companies, when he has seen his Conveniency, leaveing them to pay roundly for their folly. If they enquired after him, my Hostess would pretend he was a Chance Guest, as they were, only, she had seen him the last year, or such like; and thus he would force a Trade, and enjoy his pleasure and profit, by joyning them together; and this course did he frequently use when Guests came not in of their own accord; so that our house was seldome empty.

As mine Host, who was the Head and Chief of the House, had his tricks, so had the rest of the Family theirs, even the least in the House; for there was an unhappy boy, who was sometimes with the maid in the Kitchin, sometimes with the Tapster, attending Guests in their lodgings, and other times, with the Hostler and Horses in the Stable; this boy, though he was little was witty; and seeing that every one had their tricks, he cast about how he might have his, and have some profit in the Adventure; so that one day, mine Host being abroad, and the Tapster out of the way, he drew the drink; and not only the Beer, but carried bottles of wine to the Guests, & seeing them in a merry vain, he thought to try his skill at mis-reckoning them; and for six bottles which he carried into them when they came to pay, he reckoned them eight; and though there was some questioning of the truth, yet he justified it, and stood to it, that he had the reckoning he demanded.

This being his first considerable attempt in this Nature, for he had gained two shillings for himself, he was resolved to keep the prize for himself; and therefore putting that up in his Pocket, he delivered the rest at the Bar; the reckoning being wiped out.

But the Company falling into discourse, in short time called for more wine, and then the Tapster being returned, he officiated in the boyes place, and turning him into the stable; more wine they had, and staying longer than ordinary, and falling again to drinking, they quaffed off the other half dozen bottles of wine, and then calling to pay, the Tapster, thinking to put his old trick of mis-reckoning in practice, told them, there were seven bottles to pay; but one of the company who was more cautious than the rest, had made his observation, and every bottle that was brought in, he unbuttoned a button, and so was able to aver and justify that there was but six; and withal, the rest of the company believing him, they all fell a ranting, vowing that they would pay for no more, and farther alledging that they were mis-reckoned one or two bottles in the last reckoning; the Tapster, although he was guilty as to himself, yet he did not believe them as to the other reckoning, because he could not imagine, that the boy would be so bold as to attempt to cheat them, and therefore he huff’d as high as they in justification of the boy and himself; and such a noise they made, that the Hostess went in to know the cause of that clamour: they at first were so hot on both sides, that they would not hear her speak, neither did they speak reasonably themselves; but in the end she understood the matter, that they were wronged of one or two bottles by the Boy, and one by the Tapster; she hearing the matter, did not so much stand to justifie and vindicate the Tapster, whom she did imagine was guilty, but as for the boy, she was very confident, that he had not wronged them, and when the heat of their anger was somewhat over, she examined particulars enquiring how many bottles they paid for, they said eight: she who had not so soon forgotten what she had received, averred that she had but six shillings for wine, and therefore it was a mistake; they still aledged eight, and she six, till now nobody could end the controversie but the boy, who was sought after, and in short time found in the hayloft asleep, or meditating how he should bestow his purchased Treasure; but being found, he was without any questions there immediately led away before the Gentlemen and his Mistress, who were to be judges of this matter of fact. The question was soon stated to him, and he too well understood the matter, which he stoutly deny’d, but there was quickly such clear evidence appeared against him, that he was found guilty; for he not dreaming or mistrusting any such matter, had not conveyed the money away, so but that the pockets being searched, there the two shillings were found, to the great shame and confusion of the small delinquent: this was to the great amazement of the Guests, his Mistress, and the Tapster; but the money being laid down, and two bottles wine being brought in for it, the Gentlemen were well enough pleased, and made no further enquiry into the other bottle, which the Tapster had likewise mis-reckoned them; so that he scaped without shame or punishment, so did not the boy, who was not only ashamed, but was ordered to be severely punished, and therefore the next morning was fetched up by the under Hostler, (one who was not so wise as the boy, though in growth he was much biggar) with a Cat of nine tailes, which gave so great an impression on the poor boyes buttocks, that he was resolved on a revenge, which he effected, as I shall presently tell you. This boy was now looked on as an errant cunning Rogue, and one who without good looking to would be too wise for them all, for he had presumed to mis-reckon two shillings in six shillings, and put it all into his own pocket, whereas the Tapster who was a proficient in cheating, and licensed therein (but with this proviso, that half of what he gained thereby was to be paid to his Mistress) only endeavoured to mis-reckon one shilling in six; so that, I say, the boy was narrowly watched, and had many a blow on the back, and box on the ear, more than formerly; he who knew he had deserved it, for he was guilty of many petty waggeries, was forced to bear, but however he made provision against it, for his Mistress using to pommel him on the shoulders with her fist, he one time took a paper of pins, sticking them with the points upwards, placed them between his Doublet and Cassock; and his Mistress striking him, as she was wont to do, did light upon the pins, pricked her hand till the blood ran down her fingers ends, and the boy running away, she could not imagine how this was done, for she saw nothing upon his coat, that should cause it; so the boy getting away, removed the paper with pins, and there was an end of the matter for that time. The Mistress finding she had suffered by striking him on the shoulders, would come no more there with her bare hands; but used a cudgel, if it were near her, and if not she would use to slap him on the mouth with the back of her hand; and one time, he being in the Kitchen, and she running after him to strike him, he claps a knife, which lay near him, into his mouth, with the edge outwards, she not minding that, but endeavouring and intending to give him a great blow did so, but to her cost, for she cut her knuckles in such pitious manner, that the blood ran down abundantly, and now it was no fooling matter, but Chyrurgions work, wherefore one was sent for, and the boy ran away to his wonted dormitory, the hay-loft. The Mistress took her Chamber, and towards Evening the Master came home, and bringing with him some Guests, he soon missed his wife, and thereby knew the occasion of her retirement, and it was not long ere he saw the boy, the Authour of the harm; he therefore took up a cudgel, and ran hastily after the Boy, who fearing the danger, betook him to his heels, and ran cross a dunghill in the yard; the Master being eager to pursue the boy, did not take the same course the boy had done, who had passed over a board he had laid there on purpose, but the Master missing of that, went on one side, and fell into a great filthy hole, which by reason of much wet and rain, was there slightly covered; and had he not been helped out by the Hostler, he might have stifled; he having recovered his feet, left the pursuit of the boy, and was forc’d to be conducted to bed, which was to his great grief and dammage, for he had spoiled his cloaths, wet himself, and which was worst of all, he by this means was disappointed of his purpose in making a prey of his guests he had brought in with him to that purpose. But the Tapster and others, did their best in that behalf, and the Boy was again committed to the disciplination of[of] the under Hostler, who by the command of his Master, almost flead the poor boys buttocks.

The Boy was now revenged of his Master and Mistress, who finding him so unlucky, had no great mind to meddle with him, neither did the Boy studdy any revenge upon them; but so often as he saw the under-Hostler, who had now twice been his tormentor, his blood would boyle at him, and all his study was to be even with him; and thereupon he watched for all opportunities, and it was not long ere he found one. There was meat at the fire to be roasted, and he was ordered to look to and wind up the Jack, which was made to go by a stone weight, which was fastned to pulleys, and when the Jack was woond up, the stone weight being on the out-side of the house, was drawn up two storyes high, to the eves of the house; the boy observing this, and that the Jack-weight was down, and seeing his Enemy the under Hostler in the Yard, just by the jack-weight he lifted that off from the hook, and conveighed it under the girdle of the Hostler, just behind, he not perceiving it: when he had thus done, he ran into the Kitchin, and woond up the Jack, the Hostler being none of the wisest, wondered what it was that first of all held him by the back, and afterwards drew him up from the ground; but it was too late ere he discovered the truth, for he was now hanging in the aire; his girdle was of strong leather, with a great brass buckle and thong, which he could not possibly undo; neither durst he attempt it for fear of falling, and therefore he was in short time drawn up to the top; the boy not thinking this revenge not enough, seeing no body came, proceeded further, and taking a parcel of wet horse-litter, and some dry hay, he placed it just underneath the Hostler, and set fire to it, which made such a smother and smoke, that the poor Hostler was almost choaked, wherefore he roared out most hideously; the boy having done all he intended, said, Now remember the Cat with nine tayles, and so ran away; by this time the Hostler made so much noise, and the jack together, being forced by weight to go faster than ordinary, that at the noise all the houshold ran to see what was the matter, when, in short, there was found the poor Hostler hanging between heaven and earth, and with coughing and roaring he purged forwards and backwards, but most backwards; in regard his girdle forced it downwards by pressing and gripeing his stomach, so that he was in a most lamentable pickle; and so great was the astonishment of all the beholders, that he was come down almost to the bottom, ere the smoaking hay was removed, or he relieved; but at length down he came, and thus ended this adventure.

CHAP. VIII.

The Boy learns, and practises Vaulting and tumbling, the maid servant attempting to do the like, is intangled, caught in the manner, and laughed at: she puts a trick upon a Puritanical Church-Warden, and makes the boy by another trick, to lye in bed, and lose his dinner; he is revenged on her by a Gunpowder plot.

Mrs. Dorothy putting a stop to her discourse, gave us conveniency and leisure to express our satisfaction by our laughter, in which we continued for some space, and then rehearsing and commenting on what she had told us, we again renewed our laughter, she joyning with us in the same exercise, when we had put a stop to our mirth, she thus continued.

Truly, Friends, I did think I might a little divert you by my relation; but I see you are pleased much better than I expected, and if you are so well contented with this which is but a taste of what I can tell you, I am sure the rest would be much more delightful; but being desirous to put an end to my discourse, by relating to you such matters as only concern my self, till my arrival here, I therefore beg your excuse. Nay, replyed I, and Mistress Mary, you must not refuse us the request we both make you, of proceeding in these pleasing Adventures of your houshold; and, continued I, it is enough to know and find you are here with us, we are satisfied in that, and hope you will give us the other satisfaction we desire; and I pray be as full and free in your recital as you can, for we cannot think any thing to be tedious that is so pleasant; she hearing my desires, after few excuses, agreed thereto; and thereupon she thus reassumed the discourse.

The poor under Hostler being thus descended from his place of Torment, was almost in as pitiful a plight as one taken down from the Gibbet half hanged to be quartered; he had as little motion or sense; for he was almost suffocated with the smoak that ascended and flew up his nose, and down his throat; and as Malefactors do (as they say) piss for fear, or some other cause, so had he done; and not only so, but we could perceive somewhat else, of a yellowish colour, that had soaked through his breeches, run down his stockings, so that few would touch him; but at length, the Hostler, his superiour, considering his condition and former good service, took him up, and carried him to his bed adjoyning to the Stable; where, with the assistance of Aqua vitæ, he was soon brought to his former senses. Our young Rogue in the mean time lying in the Hay-loft over him, laughing at the roguery he had done, and the groans he heard the poor fellow fetch, were as so many instruments of musick to raise his laughter to the higher pitch.

This Rogue, who wanted nothing so much as Roping, or a good Cat of nine tailes, now escap’d with out either; there being no body in the whole house that had any mind to meddle with him; he was threatned by some, whilst others only laughed at him, and he went merrily about his business: and to conclude, much company coming that day to the house, and the particulars of the Adventure being told them, they sent for the boy and Hostler; and after several questions, and much laughter, they made them drink to one another, and become Friends.

The boy being thus freed from punishment, set his wits at work, how he might employ his time to the best advantage, and be getting of money as well as the rest of the Family did; and soon after there being a fair at our Town, among other fooleries that attended it, there were a parcel of Rope-Dancers, and Tumblers; our boy was Master of so much money, as to see them two or three times; and having very much affection to that quality, he purchased acquaintance with such another Crack Rope as himself, who was a very nimble and active youth at the Art of Vaulting; him he invites to our house, and treating him with such as the House afforded, by all means desires his instructions in that nimble mistery; he soon assented, and our boy being ingenuous, and very willing to learn, soon attains to the knowledg of this mistery, and taking all opportunities of practising, could soon leap through a hoop, vault over two or three joynt stools, tumble on the ground in various manners; and being a pretty proficient, had money several times given him by Guests that came to our house, for shewing his tricks; by vertue of his money he would brag and vapour as well as the best in the house; and the rest of the servants seeing his gain would attempt to do the like, but many times came off with the breaking of their shins; amongst the rest, the Cook maid had a mighty great itch to learn and practise some of these tricks belike, supposing that if he, who was a boy, did get so much money by them, that then she might gain much more being a maid; and that she might as well do them as he; the obstacle of Petticoats she removed by, resolving when she had learned, to have a pair of Breeches and Doublet for that purpose, and that she questioned not, but to get money enough, it being a greater Novelty to see a woman in breeches; but before she purchased them, she resolved to practice in her ordinary Habit, her Petticoats, and did so when she had convenient time and place; so that she likewise could perform somwhat in that practice. One time most of the other servants being abroad, she was sent into the Cellar to draw a Gallon Pot full of Claret Wine; she believing it would be some time ere it were full, by reason it ran only through a small Cane whilest the Pot was filling, she lies down on her back, and resolved now to try whether she could put her feet in her neck, in order to practice some new trick of tumbling; shee soon put one there, and with some difficulty likewise put the other, when she had so done, she could not possibly undoe what she had done, her feet were as fast to her neck, as if they had grown there; and though she tumbled and tossed, yet it was all to no purpose, for she could not by any means disentangle, or disengage her self from the posture she was in; she finding her self in this condition, knew not what to do, for the Pot was now full, and the Wine ran about the Cellar, and with tumbling about she had made her Coats to fly about her ears; at length she resolved to cry out, hoping her Mistress, or some other of the females of the house might hear her, and come to her rescue; this resolution she put in execution, and cryed out amain, help, help; we were all in the Room over her, and therefore soon heard her voice, but not knowing whose, or what was the matter; mine Host at length said to the boy, sirrah, run down into Cellar, and see what is the matter there; the boy did so, and after some little stay came up again, and cryes out, Oh Heavens! Master, I think our Cook-maid is murthered for I went down, and there lyes her body without a Head, and a great deal of blood about her (which was the spilt Claret) but, said his Master, are you sure her head was off? yes, yes, said the boy, come see how it is cut of from the neck; and yet, continued he, I cannot think she is yet dead, for she moved her hands, and still cryes out, but her head I cannot find. Mine Host hearing of this strange matter, soon ran down into the Cellar, which was not so dark, nor he so dim sighted, but he presently discovered how the matter was. The only thing he did, was to stop the Wine from running out, by putting the spiggot into the faucet, and so returned up to us, and told us that the boy was a little mistaken; but such a sight had he seen as was very unusual; and thereupon desires us to desend into the Cellar, and see what he had done; no sooner had he said so; but our curiosities likewise induced us to go down, where in short time we likewise had the satisfaction of seeing this strange sight: how said I, this is some Monster, and it would do well to keep it in this manner till the next fair, and then we may gain more by it then all the Tumblers did. A pox of Tumbling, said mine Hostess, I believe this came from that Exercise.

We thus having spent our Verdicts, helped the wench to disingage her self, and put her in her wonted natural posture; but when she was so, she was not come to her self, so much was she spent with strugling, and her joynts were so out of order, that we were forced to lead her up stairs, and put her to bed.

She was mightily ashamed at this mischance, so that we could hardly perswade her to be seen by anybody; but the boy was as well pleased, as she was troubled; it was honey and nuts to him to tell the guests, how the Cook-maid could do some feats of activity, as well as he, and then relate to them, in what posture he found her. Much sport was made upon this account; and although the Wench was shy at first in being seen, yet in time she bore it out bravely, when the guests gave her money to talk with her about this Adventure.

By this means the wench became a great Enemy to the boy, and did him many shrew’d turns, but durst not meddle with his body politick, dreading the danger she should run into by the harmes of others who had been his persecutors; wherefore she was forced to let him alone as to matter of action, only now and then she would exercise her wit upon him, in which she seldome came off but with the disadvantage. She was famous for this her trick of activity, by which she got money, but much more by another, which she soon after effected, and came more clearly off with it: It was then in time of rebellion, and all observations of Christmas, Easter, Whitsontide, or any Holy-days, were by the Factious accounted superstitious, especially any observation of Christmas; and therefore, the more to cross the desire and humour of those who would observe the feast of Christmas, the men then in power commanded a strict fast to be on that day kept and observed, with penalties on all those who should dress any victuals; and althorough the Town, and especially our house, was of another perswation, yet such was the prevalency of the Faction, that it, was strictly observed; & it was given out that the Officers of the Town would search houses, to find and punish Offenders. Our Cook-maid hearing of this, was resolved to put a trick upon the Officers; who about the middle of Sermon time came attended with a Guard, to see and examine our Kitching, where they found not the Jack a going, yet they found a good fire, and the pot a boyling: How now, said Master Church warden, How dare you break the Lawes, by dressing victuals on this day? What have you in the Pot? Quoth the Maid, Nothing but plumb porridg? How, said the Church-warden, Superstitious Porridg? this is a very great offence, and deserves as great punishment, to do thus in contempt of the Laws; I will see your Master fined for this, and severely punished. Well, replyed she, but I pray, Master Church-warden, be not so angry, but be pacified; which I know you will be, when you see further what is in the Pot, and with what the porridge are made; and lest you should mistake I will shew you; whereupon she went to the Pot and took out a large pair of Rams-horns, and said, Look you, Master Church-warden, this is the meat; how like you it? I hope so well, that you will tast of the broath your self without scruple of conscience? The case was so plain, and Master-Church-warden was so sensible that he was jeer’d, that he made all possible haste out of the house, threatning what he would do to the Wench, who now only laughed at him, as did some of his attendants, who knew the Church-warden was very sensible of the affront, his wife being one of those who wore cork-heeld shoes, which made her pass for a light Huswife, as indeed she was.

This trick which our Maid put upon the Churchwarden, raised a great noise in the Town and Country, and brought all the Cavileers to our house, who gave her somewhat to her box, so that she was very happy in this project, and our Host had very great Custom.

But still the Boy and Wench could not agree to set their horses together; for his business was to be up in the morning with the first, and help her make her fire, this he could not indure, for he loved his bed mightily well, and would rather want his belly full of victuals, then sleep, he had liberty to lye a bed on a Sunday so long as he pleased, because then they had few guests; wherefore he would constantly lye by it, till dinner time, which he knew by the jack going; for so long as the jack went, so long would he lie by it, but when that was stopt, he thought it was time, to rise to dinner.

The wench observing that he observed this Custome was resolved to put a trick on him, and therefore one Sunday though dinner was dressed by twelve a clock, and eaten by one, yet she let the Jack go on till four a Clock after-noon, still the boy lay listning to the Jacks going; and hearing that go still on, gave himself to lazyness, and took many a sweet turn, which she laughed at heartily; at length she stopt the Jack, and immediately the boy arose, and came down stairs (for he lay in a small loft over the Kitchin) to see what was become of the roast; but he found none in the Kitchin, nor Hall, nor no body in the house but the wench; who seeing him search about for his Dinner, and asking her questions about the affairs of the belly, she could not answer him for laughing; but soon after the family returning from Church, he discovered his own mistake, and her roguery; for this, he resolved on a revenge, which he had upon her the next day, when, a considerable dinner being to be dressed; he was called up in the morning to make a fire; he did so, and was more than ordinarily diligent, for he laid a row of Cinders, then fresh Coals, then a row of gun powder, then a row of Cinders, then more gun-powder, and so Cinders, till this pile of building was erected; that done, he slightly kindled it and departed, going on an errand out of the Town. The Wench not knowing, or distrusting the intended mischief, hung on her Pot; and both the Spits of Geese, Capons, and other Fowls; but before they were a quarter roasted, the train of Powder took; with that up flew the Pot; and both the Spits, with all the Fowl, took a second flight; the Wench was amazed, and the Dinner spoiled, for the ashes and Cinders had made all the Fowls of a sad colour: so that the Wench stamped and swore, as if she had been bewitch’d.

CHAP. IX.

The Maid is out-witted by a Country Fellow in an eateing wager, and so is her Master, mine Host; who makes himself whole again by another eating wager. Three Women drink off eighteen Gallons of Rhenish Wine at one sitting, and the manner how.

Mrs. Dorothy pausing, and we laughing, gave her the conveniency to consider of what she was to say further; wherefore in short time she thus proceeded.

The poor Wench was at a great loss, to think that the Guests must loose their dinner; and she could not for a long time think how this came about, nor distrust that the boy had been concerned in it; but at length, the mist being removed, her eyes were opened, and she believed the boy to be the Authour of this mischief. But since it was done, and what was past could not be prevented or helped; she bethought her self how to proceed; and therefore, her Mistress coming into the Kitchin, and seeing the state of the matter, they likewise called me and the Daughter, to assist in the remedy; whilst the Wench made the fire good, we fell to washing the Fowls from the fowleness which the Cinders and Ashes had caused; but when that was done, we had a further and more tedious work, to pick out several corns of powder that were fastned into the skins of the Fowls; at length, with many hands, we likewise performed this work, and with an hours loss, the Dinner was in as much forwardness as it had been; and at length, it was dressed and eaten; but the Guests tasting, and seeing some remains of the Gun-powder, my Host excused it well enough, by telling them that those Fowles were shot by an accident.

Thus was the Dinner eaten, and much Wine drank off before the boy returned; but so soon as he came in, mine Host took him by the hand, and led him into the room where the Guests were still a drinking: and first desireing silence, and then their pardon, he told them this was the Gunner, that had shot all those Fowls they had eaten, at one shot; how, said they, he is an excellent marks-man: yes truly, said mine Host, but he had a strange kind of instrument to do this Execution; and I pray, Gentlemen, do you examine him how it was done.

The Guests thinking there was somewhat in the matter that was pleasant, desired the boy to acquaint them with it; he seeing how matters went, and believing no harm would come to him, in plain terms told them all; they were strangely pleased with the boyes discourse; and he having told them the manner how he did it, they desired to know the cause, wherefore; to this he replyed, it was because the maid had cheated him of his Dinner, by letting the Jack to go, as I told you.

The rehearsal of that Adventure pleased them as much as the other; and the maid was call’d in, who confessing all that the boy had told them, the Guests made them Friends, and gave money to each of them; advising the Wench not by any means to fall out with the boy, and so they dismissed them.

Thus had we much pleasure by Adventures, which every day fell out between this boy and some body or other, but I will leave that, to tell you of somewhat else, as considerable and pleasant. Our Cook-maid, though she were pretty cunning and witty; was yet sometimes out-witted; for one day, an ordinary Country fellow came into the Kitchin; and calling for a Flaggon of beer, sate down by the fire to drink it and thus he began with the Wench: Here is good drink at your house, but I wonder you are not as well provided with Victuals; why, said she, so we are, for here is good meat at the fire, shewing him a piece of roast beef, that weighed above a stone; yes, said he again, the meat may be good, but there is but a little of it, there is enough for you, replyed she; no, but there is not, said he; how, said she, can you eat all this? Yes, that I can, said he; I’le lay a wager of that, said she; what you dare, said the man, she would have the wager be a quart of wine (for she was resolved against money wagers) nay, said the Man, a pint is enough for me with this meat, and so much will I lay: She thinking, that the less she layd the less she should lose, if she lost, and being very desirous to see this great wager of eating performed, agreed to his Terms, and thereupon he fell too lustily, and did eat considerably, but far short of all, so that he consented his wager to be lost, and the pint of wine was called for; he seizing on it first, put it to his nose, and drank all off; and throwing down six pence for his pint of wine, and two pence for his pot of beer, was departing, when her Mistress, mine Hostess, enters the Kitchin, and seeing the fellow departing, asked who must pay for the meat? Not I, said the fellow; Nor I, said the wench, so that a controversie arose between them; but mine Host and some company coming in, ended it, by ajudging, that since the Country-man called for no meat, it was not fit he should pay for it, and he not paying, the maid must, which she presently did it, but was laughed at for her folly. But she was not the only over-reach’d person in the house, for it was not long ere mine Host himself was finely caught.

There came three men, who although they were neighbours, and famous for eating, yet mine Host not knowing them, they thus over-reach’d him: they came to sup, and lye there that night, and therefore went into the Kitchin to see what was for Supper. There was Capons, Pidgeons, and Sparagus: Very good meat, said they: Now, mine Host, what shall we give you a peice for our supper of these three sorts of victuals? He asked, how much they would have drest: they asked him the same question, How much he would dress: Why, said he, I will dress three Capons, three dozen of Pidgeons, and fifteen hundred of Sparagus. Very good, said they: but if this be not enough, we expect to have more. That you shall, said he; but you shall sup first, and I hope there will be enough for my self and family, when you have done. For that, you must adventure it, said they; Well now, your price? Said mine Host, I will have three shillings four pence a piece, that is, ten shillings in all. Content, said they; Make haste that we may drink afterwards. Thus was the Bargain made up, and the Fowls laid down to the fire. In the mean time the three Travellors fetched a walk, to get them (as they said) a stomack to their Supper; which in convenient time being ready, and they returned, they thus began; each of the three took, each of them, a Capon whole on their trenchers; and cutting them into pieces, they made one mouthful of each wing, another of each leg; and scraping all the meat from the Carcass, into two or three mouth-fuls, the Capons were invisible; then they drank each his cup of Claret, to whet their appetites; that being done, they fell to the Pidgeons, and cutting each Pidgeon into four quarters, they eat them, bones and all, at four bits; and then they drank again, and fell to the Sparagus, which was in short time bestowed where the rest of the victuals was; mine Host seeing them so quick at their work, stared at them, and they calling for another glass of wine drank to him, and told him, that he must provide more victuals, or lose his wager, he being angry at both their propositions, at length thought it was better to let them have more meat, than not to be paid for what they had, and be laughed at into the Bargain; wherefore he replyed, they should have enough; and calling for the Cook-maid, commanded her to dress the same quantity of victuals; she staring on the Guests, they bad her go down, and make haste for they wanted their supper: down she went, and did accordingly; and whilst supper was dressing, they walked and smoak’d, in their Chamber. In time the other course, consisting of three Capons, three dozen of Pigeons, and fifteen hundred of Sparagus was brought up, and in as little time as before it was eaten up, as the former had been to the great cost, loss, and confusion of mine Host; who stared now worse than he had done; but however he again asked them, if they would have any more; to this they readily replyed, Yes. He again called, and the Cook maid being come up, was commanded to dress the same quantity again, and that quickly: She replyed, she could not, for all the Fowl that was killed, was eaten; and it would be a great while, ere she could kill, pull and dress the like quantity; besides, there was no more Sparagus then to be had; they told mine Host they must have their bargain, or he lose his wager: he replyed, if he could not furnish them with that, yet they might have of any other sort of victuals: they said, they would have that, or none, or else a third way, come to composition, to this mine Host gave ear, and asked what composition: they told him, that indeed though they could give a dispatch to more victuals, yet they would for once forbear further eating, and exchange their victuals for drink: so they reckoned what their other mess of victuals might come to, which being computed to ten shillings, they desired ten shillings worth of wine. Mine Host shook his head at this and said, they did him too hard, which they confessing, and a little further discoursing on, it was agreed that they should have each of them a quart of Canary, in full satisfaction of the wager: this they had, this they drank off, and so went to bed, where they slept more soundly then mine Host, who with all his Family went supperless to bed; and he was extreamly vex’d, that he should be out-witted and over-reached by three Bumpkins; but what could not be cured must be endured; it was but a folly to complain, self do, self have, and now he remember’d the wager between the Cook-maid and Country-man, and had no cause to laugh at her anymore. Night being spent, part in sleep, and part in these cogitations, he arose, and so did his guests, who honestly paid their shot, though not half so much as their reckoning came to; and at departure they told him, that if ever he had occasion for an eating wager, if he would send for any of them, they would do their weak endeavours to assist him as much to his gain as this had been to his loss; and thereupon acquainted him with the places of their dwellings, they departed: and indeed, it was not long ere he had occasion to make use of them; for a Person of Quality, being to travel our Road, sent his boy before to our house to bespeak a Supper; the boy, having mistook his Master in his direction, instead of a couple of Capons, and a dozen of Larks, which he had ordered him to bespeak, he bespeak, a dozen of Capons, and a Couple of Larks, mine Host did somewhat distrust the boy for his directions, when he spake of a couple of Larks, and told him surely he was mistaken, he must have two dozen of Larks; no, said the boy, my Master is but a small eater, and the dozen of Capons and the two Larks will be enough for him and his Company, which is but one Gentleman, besides himself; well, replyed mine Host, however I’le provide two dozen of Larks; and if your Master will not eat them, I’le have them my self; to this the boy consented, and the fowls were ordered to be dressed accordingly: mine Host was very sensible of the mistake, and that the Boy should have bespoke but two Capons, and a dozen of Larks; but however, the boy being so confident that it was a dozen of Capons, he was resolved to dress them, and that his Master should pay for them; but lest they should be left on his hands, and deducted for, he bethought on a way to have them dispatched; wherefore he dispatched away a boy to one of his three Capon and Pidgeon eaters, desiring him to favour him so far, as to come that evening to his house; for he did believe he might do him a kindness in some affairs relating to the teeth and guts. The Country man was at home, and came at his time: but before he came, the Master of the boy came thither, and asking what was for Supper, was answered, a dozen of Capons, and two dozen of Larks; and for whom is all this provision? said the Gentleman. For your worship, said mine Host: how so, said the Gentleman, by whose order? by your servants, replyed mine Host; and thereupon the boy being called, sirrah, said his Master, what orders did I give you about my supper? Sir, said the boy, I believe there is a mistake, and so I told mine Host. For I only bespake a dozen of Capons, and a couple of Larks; and he said, it was too little, and that he would dress two dozen of Larks. The Gentleman and his Friend laughed at the Boyes mistake, and excuse; and mine Host said, that he thought two dozen of Larks was little enough for one dozen of Capons. That is true, said the Gentleman; but I ordered the boy to bespeak only a couple of Capons, and a dozen of Larks. You see said mine Host, It is not my mistake, and I did nothing but was reasonable. I but, said the Gentleman, it is unreasonable to think, that we two and the boy can eat so much as you have provided for us; not so unreasonable neither, as you think, Sir, replyed mine Host; for I’le lay a good wager, that I’le produce one man, that can, and will eat up all the Capons himself; how, said the Gentleman? I’le never believe that, and I’le lay twenty shillings of it, and venture my Supper; done, said mine Host; done, said the Gentleman; and so both their moneys were laid into the other Gentlemans hand. Thus was this wager concluded of and mine Host went to his Teeth and Gut-Champion, who attended the sport; he told him the wager; to that he shook his head, and said it was a hard task; but he would strive to serve him. Supper being ready, it was Ushered in by mine Host, leading his Champion by the hand; who, after due reverance to the Company, sits down; and the meat being placed on the board, the wager was again recited; and it was further agreed, that the Champion might have what drink he would call for; and thereupon he began to use his teeth, and the rest of the Company their eyes, to behold the manner how he made so quick a dispatch of his Victuals. I told you already how, and in that manner he did eat; but now being to do much, he took more time than ordinary; but in time, ten of the twelve were made invisible, being put into our Gut-mongers Christmas Cup-board, and the eleventh was on his Trencher, and part of it sent down his belly, when mine Host looked on him with a more than curious eye, and discovered somewhat of discontent, which caused him to cry out, Come Friend! bear up, and here’s to you; thank you, replyed the Eater; and taking the drink from mine Host, he whispering him in the ear, said; You have lost, I can eat no more. How, said the Gentleman, what sayes he? Nothing, said mine Host, but that he is sure you have lost, for he can eat a dozen more: How, replyed the Gentle-man, but by my faith he shall not, for i’le have this my self for my Supper: and thereupon he seized on the twelfth Capon, and laying it on his Trencher, cuts it in peices, and gives to his Friend. Nay then, said mine Host, I see you agree the wager to be mine: yes, replyed the Gentleman, I had better do so, than fill his belly, and lose my own supper; and thereupon the money was given to mine Host; who now, meerly by his quickness of wit in thinking, and confidence in speaking so contrary to the Eaters saying, won the wager; and, which was most, saving his own credit, and that of his Champion, who clearly confessed, that the wager was in great danger to be lost.

Thus did mine Host get as much as he lost by the former wager, and the Gentleman was well pleased at the loss of his; and all parties being contented, they went to bed, and next day parted.

And now, continued Mrs. Dorothy, that my hand is in, I’le tell you one Story more of the like nature, and so conclude with this eating discourse.

It was not long ere some Company came to the House, and in the Company three Women, who were good girls, absolute Bona Roba’s, they had a great desire to drink Rhenish wine, and therefore asked if we had any? Mine Host told them yes, he had a Runlet of eighteen Gallons newly come in, and it was excellent good; the women said that would hardly serve one sitting: no said one of the Gentle-men surely it will: they said no, they would wager that they themselves could drink it off at one sitting. The Gentleman told them that if they would, he would not only pay for it, but also give unto each of them forty shillings, to buy a new Petticoat; this they agreed to, nay, they said they would not rise from their seats e’re it was done, provided they might have Anchoves, and Neats-tongues, and such like victuals to intermix: this was agreed on, and that they might the more conveniently do their business, they had each of them an empty Butter-firkin with the head knock’d off, and so taking up their Coates, they laid their bare bums on the firkins, thus they sate, and thus they drank, sometimes eating and other whiles talking, so that in four hours time, all the wine was drank off, and if they had occasion to evacuate, they did that without trouble sitting as they did on butter-firkins.

CHAP. X.

Mrs. Dorothy discourses of the several cheats of Drawers and Tapsters, inventing bad drink and small measure. The Host carries two men before the Justice, where he came off with the loss. He is out-witted by two Guests, but is revenged on them by the boyes assistance.

These were the frolicks we daily had at our house, which were commonly to the profit of mine Host; for whoever won or lost he went away with the profit and gain; and indeed his gain was very great both in his victuals and drink, for when wine was to be sold at eighteen pence the quart, we had two shillings or half a crown, and that we might not come within the compass of the law, to every bottle of Wine, a small plate of Olives was carried up, neither was this enough to have the price, but the Wine was generally mixt, and bad; and that the Guests might as well be cheated in quantity as quality, it was commonly sold in bottles, where we many times had two shillings or half a crown for a bottle of Wine that would not hold above a pinte and a half; and for instance, I will relate one little fine Cheat to that purpose: A Company of Gentlemen come to our house and call’d for Wine, which they drank off but liked not, wherefore they called the Drawer, and desiring another bottle told him that there was two faults in the Wine they had drank, the one that it was not so good as they expected, the other, that the bottle was not full measure; they therefore desired him to mend both the quality and quantity in the next, since they intended him, and always gave the best price, half a crown a bottle, he promised an amendment as to both, and so went down, and indeed was as good as his word, drawing the best wine in the Cellar, and that in a Bottle of the largest size; they thanked him and for his encouragement to continue honest to them they gave him a shilling, he pocketed the money and left them, they drank on and finding their wine good, called for more, which they had: But mark the falsness and ingratitude of this rascally Drawer, he in short time first changed their wine, and gave them worse, and not contented with that likewise cheated them of their measure, he carried a bottle of wine and filled a glass out of it, when one of the Gentlemen who was not yet so dim sighted but he could see somewhat of the intended cheat, cry’d hold Drawer, let me see that Glass and Bottle, and thereupon poured the wine into the bottle which was indifferent full but looking on the bottle, and seeing it was very small, he said: surely this Bottle does not hold a full quart, Oh Lord! Sir, said the Drawer, do you think I would wrong you? I do not know; replyed the Gentleman, but I much distrust it, you have no cause replyed the Drawer, for I am sure that bottle is full measure, what will you wager of that said the Gentleman? any thing you will, said the Drawer: But do you think I would put any tricks upon Gentlemen I have so great respect for, no surely? But said the Gentleman I must and will be satisfied, that you may quickly be, replyed the Drawer, for I will fetch a new sealed quart pot and measure it, this was agreed upon, and in short time up comes the Drawer with a quart pot in his hand, being come to the Table he takes the bottle and pours the wine out of that into the quart pot, which when looked upon was full as it ought to be, now said one to the Gentleman who complained, you have wronged the honest Drawer and must give him satisfaction for the abuse, truly replyed he, I was very much mistaken, and my mind still gives me that there is some cunning trick and cheat in this contrivance, and that it is not as it appears to be; truly replyed the Drawer, if you think I have done you any abuse you do me wrong, and besides the great respect I have for you who are my Masters best Customers, I know if I should attempt to wrong you, my Master would be much troubled and would not keep a Servant in his House that should do it; well for all this replyed the Gentleman, I pray let me see the bottle and quart pot, the Drawer delivered him the quart pot freely, but parted from the bottle with much unwillingness, but in fine the Gentleman had them both when presently he takes the quart pot and out of that filled the bottle, and then he found the Cheat, which was this; there was more than half a pint of wine left in the quart pot, how now, said the Gentleman who is wronged now, where lies the Cheat? The Drawer seeing himself found out and fearing he should be beaten replyed, I do not know, and so turn’d his back and left them; great was the admiration of the whole company, of the management of this cheat, but much more at the impudence of the Drawer; now they all perceived that the Drawer when he went down into the Cellar to bring up a quart pot, brought wine in it, and that above half a pint, the acting of the thing it self was not so much as the manner, that this knavish Drawer should be so impudent as to stand in it, and justifie it with language, when as if he had not been too confident, and so soon as he had put the wine into a quart pot had immediately gone away, he might have escaped undiscovered; but it was his fortune so to be found out to the great admiration of the whole company, who although they found themselves cheated, yet were hugely pleased with the manner, and made it their discourse in all Taverns they came into for a long time after; but I believe it was to as little purpose with others, as with our folks, for when any such tricks or cheats have been told in our house, our people would only give them the hearing, and seem to be astonished with the discourse, but be never a whit the better for it, but immediately upon the next opportunity do the same thing or as bad, and this was their constant practice; they would draw wine in glass bottles that were so thick at the bottom that when they were empty they were as heavy as if they were half full, and also batter’d pots that would not hold out measure, and sometimes would fill a pot not above three quarters full, and when the Drawer brought it in, he would presently fill out a glass, and stare them in the face as Juglers do when they are about their Hocus Pocus, slight of hand tricks, and so carry it off, and out of pretence to civility to fill the first glasses they would do it, but their end was quite different, it being only to deceive them and to hinder them from seeing the false measure that is brought them, which cannot be discovered when a glass or two is filled out.

Mine Host was finely caught one day with a pot not being filled: Two Old Country men coming to our house in a morning called for a quart of wine, the Drawer believing they were to be choused, brought up a quart pot, but it was little more than half full, he intended they should have it raw, but it being a cold morning, they bad him rost it, that is put it to the fire and burn it; he was now at a loss in not filling out the first glass, but not knowing how to help it, he did set it down before the fire, and I suppose, he intended to fill it up afterwards, but he forgetting that, and the old men being busie in discourse forgot to look to it, when on a sudden they look’d, and the pot was melted almost half way down, which was as far as there was no wine in it; with that the maid seeing it call’d out to them, what honest men do you melt your pot? Not we, said they, it is the fire, but you are like to pay for it, replyed the wench, that is when we do, said they, at this mine Host came up, the maid tells how that these two old men had been telling their Canterbury tales so long that the pot was melted, then they must pay for it said mine Host, for it was given to their charge; thereupon the Drawer was call’d, who likewise averred that he gave them the pot with the wine into their charge and custody, and that therefore they ought to look after it, and since it was damaged to pay for it. They replyed, they took no charge of it, neither did they touch it, but only ordered him, to burn it well: mine Host said they should pay, and they said they would not, whereupon he threatened them with a Justices Warrant; they were somewhat unwilling to be troubled, and were content to pay for the wine, and allow six pence more for mending the pot, mine Host replying that would not do, for it could not be mended, and he must have a new one; they seeing him so unreasonable, were content the Justice should decide the Controversie; wherefore before the Justice they went, and mine Host there made his Complaint that those two men had melted his quart pot, and refused to pay for it. The Justice perceiving where the matter lay, and that he told his tale wrong, desired the men to speak, who in plain terms told him they took no charge of the pot, but onely desired the Drawer to cause Wine to be burnt, that he had accordingly set it down by the fire, and without their handling or touching it, the pot was melted. So, said the Justice, and did neither of you drink of the Wine? No, not one drop, replyed the old men, and yet we offered to pay for the Wine, and give sixpence towards mending the pot. This is more than you shall need to do, said the Justice, & then he thuss proceeded to mine Host.

Friend, with what confidence can you demand any money of these men that had nothing of you? since you would not do them justice, I will; I do hereby acquit them from paying any thing for Wine, because they never had any; and for the melting the pot, how did they do it? It was not they, but your servant who drew the Wine, who had he filled the pot full of wine, the fire could not have melted it; for I very well understand that the pot was melted no further than it was empty: And further, continued the Justice, this shall not serve your turn, for I shall Fine you for not filling your pot; Your Crime is very apparent and evident, and so shall your punishment be, and I order you, as a Fine, to pay down Twenty shillings for your misdemeanor, or else I shall make your Mittimus, and send you to Prison. Thus was the Case altered, and the Tale was now of another Hog; for mine Host who expected satisfaction, was forced to give it, and that immediatly, or else go to Prison.

This went against the hair, but Necessity hath no Law, and therefore down he paid the money, and came home heartily vexed, not so much for the money he had paid, as for the disgrace he received; for he was now become the Town-talk: But however, since he could not help the disgrace, he was forced to be contented with that; but for his loss, he soon fetch’d it up either in false measures, Over-reckonings, or some such practises as I have told you. And besides these extraordinary gains he made by Drink, he had his ways to cheat in Victuals, he would reckon for a Dish of anchoves that stood him in ten pence, or a shilling, two shillings or half a Crown at the least; and carry them in a large Dish an inch asunder from one another. Whestphalia Ham of Bacon he would cut so thin, and make such a large show of a little meat, that he would reckon two shillings for that which stood him in two groats; nay, and sometimes be paid six pence for fouling of Linnen to it. A Neats-tongue of two shillings, he would reckon four shillings, or four shillings six pence for it, nay though they were cheated of part of it, as I remember he was caught in the manner about one. A Neat’s-tongue being call’d for, and carried in to the Guests, but first (as the manner is) it was slit down quite through the middle, and not barely so, but mine Hostess her self had gelded it, and cut off from each side a fine large slice, which she intended for some other Gentlemen in the House, to draw down th’other Bottle of wine. This Neats-tongue being carried to the Guests, one of them complained of the cutting it, saying, he had rather have had it whole; for (said he) there is less loss in cutting it in slices cross-ways than this. Why (said another) you may do so still, and thereupon he took the Tongue and clapt it together again, but it would not come close by above half an inch; and they discovered the place, where it had been pared, to look wide like a mouth: they perceiving the cheat, were resolv’d to try a little farther experiment, and therefore called in for mine Host, who with a Sit you merry Gentlemen came in: Landlord (said one) I pray what do you reckon for this Neats-Tongue? Not above four shillings, or four shillings sixpence, said he: I but that is too much reply’d the man, this is but a little one, and I think not a whole one. How! reply’d mine Host, not a whole one! that were a good jest indeed; I say tis a whole one, and a large one too. I’le wager a quart of Sack (said the Gentleman) that you are mistaken; Done, said mine Host: whereupon the Neats-Tongue was clapt together, and mine Host quickly saw that he had lost; he began to flounce and fluster, saying, that some of the company had done it; but leaving the Room, and going to his wife in the Kitchin, he soon found that he had lost indeed: the company being good guests to the house he was unwilling to displease them; wherefore he drew a quart of wine, went in and acknowledged his error, and paid for it, excusing the matter as well as he could, and they took all in good part. Thus was he sometimes caught, and paid for it; but not once in twenty times but he caught his guests, and made them pay for it. They would not only cheat their guests, but their own servants bellies; for except they had good trading, that the Servants might feed on the reversione of their guests dinners, they were like to go without, or at least have a poor one: she was very niggardly, and when they had salt fish, which was commonly once a week, she would allow them neither Oyl nor Butter, but only Mustard, but she was broken of that custom in this manner; after they had one day din’d with fish, drest as I tell you, down stairs went one servant, then another, and so one after another they all dropt away and went into the Cellar; where when they were come, the Drawer said, now to our old Custom, that is, since we have had no oyl nor butter, to our fish, we will soak it in sack, my friends, and that of the best, every one his half pint, and so away to our business: mine Host having some business with some of the servants, and finding them all missing, went to the Cellar door, and there he not only heard this proposition made by the Drawer, but saw it also confirmed and executed; whereupon he went to his wife, and commanded her for the future to allow his servants not onely oyl with their mustard to their salt fish, but butter and eggs too if they would have it, and so they had for the future. I have known mine Host sell and take money for one Joynt of meat twice, in this manner: when a Feast hath been above stairs, Joynts of Meat, and Fowles that have hardly been touched, have been brought down and sold to guests below, as fresh brought from the fire, at a very good rate: indeed no opportunity hath been omitted, to gain money. There was a pretty passage hapned about a couple of guests, that upon occasion lay there two or three nights together; thus it was: two men came one night to lodge, and being not well in health, it having been cold and rainy, they desired a good fire in their Chamber, which they had without any supper, or any drink, but a quart of burnt wine, and so they went to bed: the next day proving cold and rainy and their business not being very urgent, they continued there, and kept their Chamber, with little victuals, and as little drink; but however they kept a good fire, and mine Host seeing they had little else but fireing, was resolved he would get sufficiently by that, and therefore the next morning when they call’d to know what was to pay, he reckoned them ten shillings for fireing for two nights and one day: this demand they thought was very unreasonable, but, they knew that they could not help themselves, for he would have what he demanded; and besides, to say truth, firing was very scarce and dear in that Country: the two Travellers paid their shot, and intended to leave the house, but the weather proved so cold and stormy, they could not; wherefore they were forced to stay; but they resolved withall to be better Husbands of their fireing than they had been, but could not tell how, till in the end looking about the house they saw a great old fashion’d Bed-stead, that lay useless in a Hole: they not telling for what use, asked my Landlord the price of it, who not dreaming of their purpose, in few words sold it to them for five shillings; when they had bought it, they hired a fellow for one shilling to cut it in pieces fit for fireing; and now being furnished with fewel, they resolved to keep a good fire which they did, and calling for mine Host, and a quart of wine, bad him welcome to their good Husbandry; for the wood they had bought of the bed-stead was as much agen as they had paid ten shillings for, wherefore they made a good fire, and sung old rose in the gun-room. Mine Host being thus beaten at his own weapons, and his own Goods by himself sold to his loss, was somewhat netled, and discovered his anger to his servants. Master (said the unhappy boy) if you please I’le be revenged of them: do if you can (said the Master) not doing mischief. The boy having a commission, was not long e’re he put it in execution; for joyning another Servant in confederacy with him, they went that evening to wait on the two guests, when among other matters they talked of spirits and apparitions; quoth the boy, we are often troubled with them here, and especially in this Chamber: I am sorry for that (said one of our Travellers) for I am very fearful of any such things: and thus the boy possed them with fear of that which he intended and executed; for about midnight he and his confederate took a Calf out of the Cow-house, and tying his four legs together, but so as he might not only stand, but go a little; they put him into our Travellers chamber, and there waited the event; it was not long e’re the Calf began to pace it about the Room, making an unusual noise; and in this manner he continued stamping[stamping] till both our Travellers were awake, who hearing the noise, were possessed with fear and astonishment, supposing it to be a spirit that was told them of: thereupon they shrunk close into the bed for fear; the noise continuing, and no harm or danger coming to them, at length one of them consented to rise and light a candle to see what was the matter; a candle was found, and some remains of fire being still in the chimney, thither he went: and stooping down fell a blowing with his mouth to light the candle, the Calf seeing a light, went thitherwards, and espying somewhat that was pendulous between the Travellers Legs, and taking it to be his Mother Cows Teat, thrust his chaps thitherwards, and seizing it in his mouth, fell full lustily to sucking, the Traveller perceiving himself caught by the Members, and not knowing by what, and being in fear of losing them, fell a roaring very loud, to the great sorrow and grief of his bed-fellow, and as great joy of our unhappy Boy and his Confederate.

CHAP. XI.

Six Country Blades steal a Goose and two Hens; by the contrivance of two of them and the Host; the other four pay soundly for them, and laugh at their Companions. A Traveller by a mistake lies with another mans Wife. A noise of Fidlers are forced to pay for their sawciness.

The poor Traveller, who was thus used by the Calf, still continued his roaring out, and the Calf being hungry, did suck very hard, but to no purpose, our young Crack-rope and his Companion still listening and laughing: but in fine, the noise continuing, and they doubting that there was more than sport, they entered the Chamber, where they saw the Calf close to the Traveller, but could not tell what he did there; but the Traveller still making a noise, they came near, and perceiving the Calfs mistake; they thrust somewhat into his mouth, and thereby disingaged him from the Travellers Bawble: He still lay on the Ground whilst they carried the Calf out of the Chamber, soon returning with a lighted Candle to see what was the matter: the Traveller was by that time somewhat come to himself, and feeling that he had lost nothing, was indifferently satisfied: they being now entered the Chamber, asked what was the matter? and wherefore he made so much noise? he now looking about the Chamber, and seeing nothing but People with a light, whom he knew, could not well tell what answer to give, only he told them, that the Devil, or some wicked Spirit had been there, and he had like to have been mischiev’d by him, but that now he found himself well again: his Fellow-Traveller likewise said that there had been some walking in the Chamber, but what it was, and wherefore his Companion roared out, he knew not: in fine, they who had done the mischief were thanked for their readiness to come and assist them; and so with some perswations our Traveller went to bed again, where he lay till the next morning, although he slept not, so great was his fear of the foul Fiend; but so soon as morning came they both arose, and though the weather still continued cold and rainy, yet they could not be perswaded to stay any longer in our Inn, but paying their reckoning left it, and half their wood behind them; so that mine Host was now no looser by this bargain, it being ready cleft to sell to the next cold Guest that should arrive there.

The last passage hapned in the Winter time, a little before Christmas, which soon after coming, we had two or three notable Accidents that befel in our Inn; the first was this: half a dozen of young Country Blades had been abroad a Fowling, or a Fooling rather, and among other purchase that they had, they coming near a Farm-house where there was store of Poultry, at two shots which they made, they kill’d two Hens and a Goose: this with the rest of their Game they brought to our house to be dressed against the next day for dinner: they drank some bottles of wine when they brought them, and being merry (said one) we will to morrow drink a health to the owner of the Hens and Geese: well, that we will (said another,) but I would not for forty shillings that he should know of it, for if he did, I doubt he would make us pay sawce: and truly I am yet somewhat fearful that we shall be discovered: so am I, said another, and so a third; well, if we be found out we can pay for them, and my share shall be ready. This was their discourse, and so for that time they parted; but it was not long ere two of the Company returned, and calling for a bottle of wine fell heartily a laughing; and (sayes the one to the other) I am resolved it shall be so, and with the assistance of mine Host we may carry the matter very closely; and thereupon mine Host was call’d for: he being come, they told him that they must have his assistance in a design, which he promised should not be wanting, and thereupon one of them thus began: mine Host, we have this day, as you know, been a Fowling, and part of what we brought in we plunder’d for, or in plain English, stole; now some of our Company are very conscious of their guilt and are not only penitent, but fearful; now it is our design to increase their fear, and get some money out of them to make us merry; and thus we have contrived it: to morrow when we are towards the latter end of our dinner, I would have you to tell us, that there is a Country fellow, who enquires for such persons as we are, and likewise that he was here as this day to enquire of us, and that he talks of a warrant that he hath against us about some Poultry his Master lost, and that he suspected us to be guilty; and withal you may add, that he is resolved to have the Law against us, and that you have had much adoe to perswade him to be patient till we had din’d. Mine Host having heard the instructions, was no Fool, but soon understood them, and procur’d a Country Fellow to manage the business so well, that they should be all startled, only (said he) you shall allow him half a Crown for his labor, and the rest that he gets of you (for I know you intend a Composition) shall be justly return’d you. Thus was this Affair agreed on, and accordingly the next day managed: for the Guests also came at the hour appointed, and merrily drank about till Dinner was brought in; which being come they fell to eating, and the Goose being well nigh eaten, a Glass of Wine was call’d for to drink a Health to the Owner, and mine Host himself was then call’d for up to make one in the Frolick: he being come, and seeing whereabouts Causes went, thought it now a fit time to begin, and therefore he thus bespeaks the Company: Gentlemen, I understand your Health, and shall willingly drink it, but if I be not mistaken, you will have but little cause to be so merry on this occasion: why? what’s the matter, says one? what’s the matter, said another? I’le tell you presently, reply’d mine Host, but first let us drink; whereupon up went his Glass, and down Gutter-lane went the Wine, and mine Host being grave in his Countenance, and slow in his Speech, they all, as amazed, star’d either on him or one another, wondring what should be the meaning of mine Host’s Speech: At length he spake, and acquainted them with the business, just as he and two of the Company had agreed on; then having done, added farther, That he had endeavoured to underfeel the Fellow that was below, but he found him very obstinate, and doubted very much that he woad make no end but what the Law should: How! (said one) is your fooling come to this! Oh Lord! (said another) we have brought our Hogs to a fair Market: Well (said a third) but what must we do in this case? Truly (said mine Host) if I may advise you, I would have one of you go down to treat with the Fellow, and see what composition you can draw him to: This was in the end thought to be the best way, and thereupon one went down with mine Host; so soon as the Country-man saw him (being well instructed in every thing) he cries out, nay, I am sure I am in the right, for though the man hath changed his Clothes, yet that won’t serve his turn: I know you well Sir, said he, by your hair and beard: What do you know replyed the guest? why I know, said the Country-man that you are one of the six that stole my Masters two Hens and Goose; I saw you well enough when you did it, and know you all well enough when I see you again; I follow’d you hither yesterday, & see you hous’d, and able to swear before Mr. Justice that you are the persons; and my Master is resolved to prosecute you, for he hath lost as much Poultry this winter as is worth five pound, and now we have found you you shall pay for all. How! (said the Guest) surely you do not mean as you say; one body may be like another, and you may be mistaken; and besides, if it were so, that we were the Parties, you mean yet a great deal less than five Pound, which I hope will serve the turn for two hens and a goose, which you say is all you lost. I (said the fellow) that is all indeed that we lost yesterday, but I tell you five pound will not pay for all my Master hath lost within this moneth, and my Master and I both believe you had them all, or else you would not so readily have found the way into our yard; and therefore I say, and so my Master sayes, that you shall pay for them. Nay friend, (said mine Host) I pray let me perswade you to be more reasonable in your demands; reason me no reasons,(said the fellow) it was unreasonable for them to come and rob my Master, and therefore I will not be reasonable; I am sure I shall lose my share of Goose and other Poultry this Christmas, that I should have had, had not we been robb’d. Nay but come, (said mine Host) let me take up this matter: I say you shall not, (reply’d the Fellow) the Justice shall know the matter, and no body else; but if they be your friends, if you will make an end, and pay me the money, I’le be rul’d by you. Whereupon mine Host took the Fellow by the Arm, and leading him into a drinking room, said, come let you and I talk a little further of this matter, and in the mean time, said he to the Guest, go you up to your Friends and confer with them about it. How, said the fellow, you mean to lead me out of the way while they get away from me. No, replyed mine Host, I’le pass my word for their appearance. Nay, that matters not much, quoth the fellow; for I have such a Warrant in my pocket, as will fetch them again in the Devils name. Having thus said, he and mine Host went to drink a pot of Ale together, and laugh a while; in the mean time our Guest went up to his companions to relate how things were like to go with the fellow, but he needed not tell them, for they being all concern’d, had listned at the stairs head to what the Fellow had said, and therefore knowing in what case they were, they all agreed to contribute to the fellows satisfaction, but they thinking five pounds were too much, grumbled at the demand, but was resolved to give that rather than fail, and have further trouble. One of the two confederates seeing how matters went, and though he was willing to put a trick upon his companions, yet thought five pounds was too great a sum to get by waggery, he therefore made a proposal that he would go down to the fellow and mine Host and treat with them, and he would warrant to get the business of for a great deal less: They were soon content with the proposition, whereupon down he went, and after some time spent with mine Host and the Country man, he returned, saying, Come, come Friends, draw your moneys, for I have ended the Controversie, and I hope to your content; we must be Noble-men, a Noble a piece, in all Forty shillings is the sum agreed upon to compound this brabling Business, and herein we are much engaged to mine Host for his civility, who hath much perswaded the fellow, and indeed the fellow by his perswasions is brought to be so civil, that I have promis’d him Half a Crown for himself. All the Company were all well contented with this Composition, and thereupon readily laid down their money, which one of our Confederates pretended to carry down to the fellow, but he put it up in his own pocket, onely giving him the Half Crown he had promised, and ordering half a dozen of Beer more for managing the Affair so handsomly. And thus was this Adventure ended, and in short time the Company separated, but the two Confederates soon came back again, and shared stakes of the moneys, and there they laughed at the easiness and credulity of their Companions, and mine Host was as merry as they, and had as much cause, for if the Proverb be true, Let them laugh that win, he was sure to win most, and therefore might well laugh; for he made them pay sawcily for the Sawces to their Goose, and in the confusion they were then in, it was no hard matter to mis-reckon them several bottles of Wine, and the two Confederates who onely managed this Affair to make sport and not for gain, delivered all their profits, which was 26s. 8d. into mine Hosts hands to be spent two or three days after, when they were to bring more company to laugh at this Adventure, and I remember they then came, and mine Host knowing they came easily by their moneys, was resolved to put in for a share of it, and so he did, and had it; for they had but three Dishes of Fish, but he again made them pay for their Sawce, reckoning fourteen shillings for that and dressing it, although the Fish it self did cost but half so much; these were his Tricks.

But there was about that time such a trick plaid by a mistake, as I have seldom heard of: Several Companies were in the house and lodged there, and it being long nights, much of that tedious time was spent in Gaming, and higgedly piggedly one with another, all Companies mixt in that pastime; but it growing late, those that were weary and sleepy dropt away to bed: Among the rest, one man who had a very handsome woman to his Wife went to bed, and his Lodging was in a Chamber where there was another Bed; the man being in Bed, laid his wearing Clothes, viz., Doublet, Breeches and Cloak upon him, and putting out the candle went to sleep; in short time after, another single man who was to lodge in the Bed in the same Chamber went up, and walking about, a conceit came into his head, that it was probable he might have a Shee-bedfellow, and in order thereto he thus carried his on Design: He put off his own Clothes, and laid them very orderly on the Bed where the man was asleep, first taking off those of his Chamber-fellows, and when he had done, he very fairly spread them on the Bed he was to lye in; having done this, he went to bed and put out his Candle, expecting the event, which happened to be so as he hoped and expected; for not long after up came the woman, intending to go to bed to her Husband, undrest herself, and seeing and well enough knowing her Husbands clothes, believing that to be a sufficient sign of her Husbands being there, not looking on the face which was purposely hid, she put out her Candle & went to Bed to the wrong man, who although he pretended then to be asleep, yet he did her right before morning; for she still supposing it was her husband, gave him free liberty to do what he would. Her bed-fellow, though he had taken much pains and was weary, yet towards morning considering that if this matter were discovered, he might have sower Sauce to his sweet Meat, studied and contrived how to come off as well as he had come on, and therefore turning to his Bed-fellow and kissing her, &c. as a Farewel, he pretended to rise and make water, went out of the Bed; he soon found the way to his Chamber-fellows Beds side, and there took off his clothes, dress’d himself and departed. The woman missing her Bed-fellow, which she thought had been her Husband, much wondred what was become of him, and lay and studied in great confusion, she knew not what to do or say, and she began to distrust that she had a wrong Bedfellow, especially when she consider’d with herself that her Husband was not wont to be so kinde: when she was partly sensible of the mistake, she could not tell how to think of a remedy; if she should arise and go into the other Bed, she might chance to be mistaken again, and therefore in this confusion she knew not what to do: whilest she was in these thoughts a maid with a Candle appeared, who passing through the Room gave her clear sight that her Husband was in the other Bed, she therefore resolved now to rise, take her Clothes, and go to Bed to her Husband; but he who had slept hard all night was now awaked with the noise of the maid passing through the Chamber, and therefore he leaps out of the Bed and felt for a Chamber-pot, at the length he found one, having used it, and going to return to Bed where he had layen, his wife then took the opportunity to call to him, saying, Sweet-heart, whither go you? you mistake your Bed: No sure, said the man, where are you? Here, she said; he hearing her voice soon found out where she was, but could not presently be perswaded that he had layen there all night, you shall see that by and by, replyed she, when you can see your clothes on this Bed: if it be so, then you are in the right said he, and that he agreed to soon after day light appeared and he seeing his clothes on the Bed, was satisfied: and thus was his business done, and he not knew it, and the woman in the morning enquiring for the man who had been her Chamber-fellow, could not finde him; she was earnest in her inquiry after him, and this raised some jealousie in me, but I was soon after resolved of all by the man himself, who came again to our house and told me. This was a fine Christmas Frolick, I will adde one more, and so have done with them.

The Fidlers of our Town haveing had good trading this Christmas were grown proud and surly, and had abused some Gentlemen, who told mine Host of it; he who was good at inventing mischief, soon contrived a way to be revenged of them, and in order thereunto, the next day a considerable Dinner was bespoke, and the Fidlers were sent for to attend and play to them, which they did all Dinner. The Gentlemen having dined, the Fidlers had the Remains for their Dinner, and then again they fell a tuning their instruments and played lustily, whilest the Guests drank of their Cups as roundly; at length they fell to Dancing, and many Countrey Dances they had, spending the day in all manner of Jovial[Jovial] and Sprightly Recreations; the night being come, and therefore a fit time to put their plot in execution, they again Danced several Rambling Dances, and anon they all desired and agreed to Dance the Cushion-dance, which they did, and in their humours rambled from one Room to another all over the house, this musick pacing it afore them, and now one dropt away, and anon another, till in the end all the Guests were gone, and none were left but the Fidlers, who still plaid on expecting their Company. Mine Host seeing it was now time came into them, and causing them to cease their playing, asked where are the two guests? they reply’d they knew not: no, said he, if you do not finde them, you are like to suffer; for if you have played away my Guests, you shall pay their reckoning: he was so peremptory in his demands, that it was to no purpose to contradict it; and the reckoning amounting to three pounds, he made the five Fidlers pay ten shillings a man, and told them he was a looser in abaiting them ten shillings of his reckoning; they were forced and could not help it, and therefore paid down their dust, and they who had not money enough were fain to leave their Fidles, and go home without, and end Christmas to the Tune of Lachrymæ.

CHAP. XII

Mris. Dorothy discourses of mine Hosts misfortunes, As first how he was cheated of a Silver Bowl. Secondly, of a thirty pound reckoning; and Thirdly, was carried away Prisoner, and forced to pay Fifty pound for his Ransom.

Thus, continued Mris. Dorothy, was this revenge managed by mine Host and the Guests who had the reckoning of thirty pound to pay, came the next day and paid it, and then appointed to come the next week and spend the fifty shillings mine Host had gotten from the Fidlers, which they did accordingly; and thus said she, did we finish our Christmas: and now I hope, friends, said she to me and Mris. Mary, that you will give me leave to finish my discourse; not so long as you can think of any more of these stories, replyed I, and so did M. Mary; and thereupon we both joyned in our desires to entreat her to proceed. Well, replyed she, if I must, then I will alter the Nature and Quality of my discourse, and as I have told you of mine Hosts good fortune, and wayes to get money, so I will acquaint you with some of his misfortunes, and how he lost money; for Fortune was the same thing to him as she hath been to me, and I think to all others; we all have our several turns and changes, sometimes we are on the top, and anon on the bottom of Fortunes Wheel; and as that is, so is the World, round and rouling, and still in motion, and so are our Fortunes various: I replyed, I had full experience of this truth, and could freely subscribe to it; but, continued I, good honest Doll, let us be beholding to you so much as to prevent your discourse, and relate all the other transactions that you can remember befel during your stay in this pleasant place, for by what you have told us, I must needs term it so. We, said she, since you will have it so, i’le endeavour to satisfie you, and then she thus began.

I have already told you of one of my Hosts misfortunes in the quart pot, and how he was forced to pay twenty shillings instead of satisfaction which he expected; it was not long before that, that he had a more sensible loss, for one morning in comes a Countryman which calls for a Flaggon of Beer, and desires a private Room, for, sayes he, I have company a coming to me, and we have business. The Tapster accordingly shews him a room, and brings a Flaggon of Beer, and with it a Silver Cup worth three pound; the Countryman drank off his beer, and call’d for another Flaggon, & withal for mine Host to bear him company: mine Host seeing him alone, sate and talked with him about state affairs, till they were both weary & mine host was ready to leave him: well, said the Countryman, I see my Company will not come, and therefore I will not stay no longer, neither did he; but having drank up his Beer, he call’d to pay: A groat, quoth the Tapster; there ’tis, said the Countrey-man, laying it down, and so he went out of the Room, the Tapster staide behinde to bring away the Flaggon and Silver Cup, but though he found the Flaggon, yet the Cup was not to be found, wherefore he hastily runs out and cries, Stop the man. The Countrey-man was not in such haste, but that he quickly stopt of himself; he was not quite out of the doors, and therefore he soon returned to the Bar, where when he was come, he said, Well, what is the matter? what would you have? The Cup, said the Tapster that I brought to you; I left it in the Room, said the Country-man: I cannot finde it, said the Tapster: and at this noise mine Host appeared, who hearing what was the matter, said, I am sure the Cup was there even now, for I drank in it; it is there still for me, said the Countrey-man: Look then further, said mine Host; the Tapster did so, but neither high nor low could he finde this Cup; well then, said mine Host to the Countrey-man, if it be gone you must have it, or know of the going of it, and therefore you shall pay for it: Not I, said the Countrey-man, you see I have none of it: I have not been out of your house, nor no body hath been with me, how then can I have it? you may search me. Mine Host caused him to be searched, but there was no Cup to be found, however mine Host was resolv’d not to lose his Cup so, and therefore he sends for a Constable, and charges him with the Countrey-man, and threatens him with the Justice; all this would not do, and the Countrey-man told him, That threatned Folks live long, and if he would go before a Justice, he was ready to go with him. Mine Host was more and more perplexed, and seeing he could not have his cup, nor nothing confess’d, before the Justice they went, when they came there mine Host made his complaint, and told the story as truely it was, and the Country-man made the same answer there, as he had done before to mine Host; the Justice was perplexed, not knowing how to do justice, here was a Cup lost, and the Country-man did not deny but he had it, but gone it was, and although the Country-man was pursued he did not flie, he had no body with him, and therefore it could not be conveighed away by confederacy, and for his own part he had been, and was again searched, but none found about him, and he in all respects pleaded innocency: this, though considered and weighed in the ballance of justice, he could not think that the Country-man had it, and therefore to commit him would be injustice; he considered all he could, and inclined to favour the Country-man, who was altogether a stranger, and he believed innocent, especially when he considered what a kind of Person mine Host his accuser was, of whose life and conversation he had both known and heard enough, and cause him to believe that it might be possible that all this might be a Trick of mine Hosts to cheat the Country-man, and therefore he gave his judgement, that he did not believe by the Evidence that was given, that the Country-man had the Cup, and that he would not commit him unless mine Host would lay, and swear point blank Felony to his charge, and of that he desired mine Host to beware. Mine Host seeing which way it was like to go, said no more, but that he left it to Mr. Justice, who being of this opinion I told you of, discharged the country-man, and advised mine Host to let him hear no more of these matters, & if he could not secure his plate, & know what company he delivered it to, then to keep it up. Mine Host thanked the Justice for his advice, and so departed, the Countrey-man going about his business, and he returning home, being heartily vexed at his Loss, and the carriage of the whole Affair, which was neither for his profit nor credit; but he was forced to sit down with the Loss, being heartily vexed to think how he should lose the Cup: he threw away some money in going to a Cunning-man to know what was become of it, but all they could tell him was, that he would hear of it again, and so he did shortly after; though it was to his further cost, and to little purpose. He had some occasions at our Country-Town during the time of the Assizes, and there seeing the prisoners brought to their Trials, among others he espyed the Countrey-man whom he had charged with the Silver Cup, by enquiring what[what] was his crime? was told it was for picking a Pocket: Nay then, said mine Host, I may chance to hear of my Bowl again, and thereupon when the Tryal was over, and the Prisoners carried back to the Goal, he went and enquired for the Countrey-man, to whose presence he was soon brought; Oh Lord, master! said he, how do you? who thought to have seen you here? nay said mine Host, who thought to have seen you here? I believe you have not met with so good friends in this Countrey as you did at our Town, of our Justice; but let that pass, come let us drink together, whereupon a Flaggon of Beer was call’d for, and some Tobacco, which they very lovingly drank off, and smoak’d together; which done, said mine Host to the Countrey-man; I would gladly be resolved in one point which (I question not) but you can do; I suppose you mean (said the Countrey-man) about the old business, of the Silver Cup you lost; yes truly said mine Host, & the losing of it doth not so much vex me, as the manner how it was lost; & therefore, continued he if you will do me the kindness, to give me satisfaction what became of it, I do protest I will acquit you although you are directly guilty. No, this will not do, replyed the Country-man, there is somewhat else in the case: well then, said mine Host, if you will tell me, I will give you ten shillings to drink. Ready money does very well in a Prison, said the Country-man, and will prevail much; but how shall I be assured you will not prosecute me, if I should chance to be concerned? for that, replyed mine Host, I can give you no other Warrant but my Oath, which I will inviolably keep: well then said the Country-man, down with the merry Griggs, let me handle the money, and I’le be very true to you; and as for your charging me with it, I fear you not. Mine host being big with expectation to know how this cleanly conveyance was wrought, soon laid down the ten shillings; and then the Country-man thus proceeded: I must confess that I know which way your Cup went, but when you charged me with it I had it not; neither was it out of the room, and I must tell you this, that if you had sought narrowly, you might have found it, but it was not there long after. We who live by our wits must work by policy more then down right strength, and this cannot be done without Confederates, and I had such in the management of this affair, for I left the Cup fastned with soft wax under the middle of the board of the Table where I drank, which place of the Table by reason it was covered with a cloath, as you may remember it was, it could not well be seen; and therefore you and your servants missed of it: you know that very willingly I went with you to the Justices; and whilst we were gone those Friends and Confederates of mine whom I had appointed, and knew the Room and everything else, went into the house, and into the same Room, where they found the silver Cup, and without the least suspition went fairly off with it, and at a place appointed we met, and there acquainted one another with our Adventures, and what purchases we had made, we equally shared them between us. Mine Host at the hearing of this discourse was mightily surprized, although fully satisfied; but yet, said he, I would be resolved one question, which is this, how if we had found it where you had put it whilst you were there? why truly replyed the cheat (for now I may call him so) then you could have charged me with nothing, and I would have put it off with a jest, and if that would not have done, the most you could have done, had been only to have kicked and beaten me, and those things we of our quality must venture: you know the old Proverb, Nothing venture, nothing have, and Faint heart never won fair Lady; and we have this other Proverb to encourage us, that Fortune helps the bold; as it doth commonly those of our quality, and she did me I thank her in that attempt. And there did this Varlet descant upon his Actions, to the great satisfaction of mine Host, who finding there was no more to be had of him, left him, and soon after the Town; coming home, and giving us an account of this adventure; and this was another of his misfortunes, which was soon after followed by another worse than the last, and thus it was. A Company of pretending Gallants one evening arrived at our house, and there was in their company a young lad of about ten years of age, on whom they all waited, giving him respect equal to a Person of Honor, and their Master; they were soon furnished with Lodgings, the best in the house, where they bespake a plentiful supper, which was provided, drest, and sent to them. Mine Host enquiring what, and who the young Gentle-man was, whom he supposed was their Master; they told him that he was the Son of a French Marquess, giving him a name to that purpose, and that his Father their Lord and Master, would in few dayes be there; likewise that they being recomended to this house by a Friend of his, who warranted them good usage, they were come thither, and there they intended to stay till their Lord came. Mine Host was highly pleased with this recital, and he questioned not the truth of it, because the young Gentleman could not or would not speak any thing but a little Gibberish French. These Guests staid there a fortnight eating and drinking in most plentiful manner; and every day some or all of them did ride out, leaving only one person to wait on their Lord, and they came home very honestly at night. They had now been fourteen dayes and lain at Wrack and Manger, they and their Horses; and their Bill amounted to thirty pounds, which being a round sum of money; he began to try if he could get any, and to that end spake by the by to him that was chief person next to the young Lord, but he was deaf of that ear, and told him that it would not be above two or three dayes e’re he was sure their Lord himself would come, and then he should not only be paid, but also rewarded for the care, and respects he had shewed to his Son: Mine Host was satisfied with their reasons, and so went about his business; and so did this Blade about his; for calling a consultation of his Brethren, they resolved to be gone the next day, and give mine Host the go by for his Reckoning, and therefore they so ordered the matter, that that night whilst they were at supper, and mine Host with them; in enters another man, a new face, and enquired if my young Lord such a one, and his Attendants were there? yes said the Hostler, who took his Horse, and then calling the Chamberlain, he was conducted into the Room where the rest of his Acquaintance were, he being entered the Room, made his obeysance to his young Master; and then putting his hand into his Pocket pull’d out a Letter, which he presented to him; and another who sate next him took from him, opened, and read, telling mine Host that the Letter was from their Lord, who promised to be there with them by the next day at noon; glad did they seem to be, and so was mine Host, who thought now he was near the receiving of his money: the company then told him that he must provide a plentiful dinner, and that they would all ride forth in the morning to meet their old Master, only they would leave their young Master behind to his care; to this mine Host was content, and the next morning they arose early, mounted their horses, and away they went, leaving their Lord in Bed. Mine Host provided dinner according to the directions, and noon came, but no Lord, or Attendants; at length dinner was forced to be taken up, or spoiled, and then the young Lord was enquired for, who was still in Bed, and could not rise, for they had taken his fine Clothes with them: in fine, upon search, an old Country Suit was found, which now our young Lord owned to be his, and could speak English, saying, they were gone and carried away his fine cloaths. Mine Host hearing he could speak English, asked him several questions, which the Boy answered readily enough, and by that he understood that they took him up in those Clothes, and other rare matters if he would go with them, be ruled by them, and learn a few heard words; and so in conclusion mine Host found to his cost, that they were a company of cheats, who came to do that to him, he had done to others, and though his loss was great, yet he was forced to sit down contented; as for the Boy he being absolutely innocent, he was only turned out of the doors to seek his fortune. Thus, said Mistress Dorothy you see he had his bitter with the sweet, and to his sweet meat he had sower sawce; and although his loss was considerable enough, yet soon after he had another of worser consequence, and thus it was:

You must note, that it was now in the time of rebellion, and there was a small garrison of Souldiers quartered in our Town of the Round-heads Party, and about ten miles off there was another Garrison of Cavaliers. Now one day there came to our Town two Gentlemen very well mounted and armed, and they had a Pass from a round-headed Collonel our Neighbour, and coming to our Town, and enquiring for the best Inn, they were directed to our house, where they took up their Quarters; they pretended themselves to be Persons of Quality, and therefore spent pretty handsomely at the first, but in their stay there, which was about eight dayes, they had run five pounds on the score; mine Host desiring his money, they told him suddenly he should have it, moneys were coming to them, but if he had not the patience to stay until their money came, then (he knew) that they had two good Horses in his Stable, and he should in lieu of his money have which he pleased, at such a rate as any indifferent person should adjudg the best of them to be worth: mine Host seeing them answer him so fair, was as kind as they, and told them that he did believe them to be Gentlemen of quality, and that he scorned to undervalue them so much as to dismount them, and as they came on Horse-back to depart on foot, but that he had rather wait a while longer for the Money, which they said they staid for: they kindly thanked him for his courtesie, and promised him to requite it; and thereupon all Persons rested well satisfied, but no money coming at the time they said they expected, he again asked them for moneys; and indeed it was their desire that he should do so, or else the design they had in hand, and intended to carry on, could not be well executed; and therefore that they might bring their project to execution, they again offered him one of their horses; he had a great mind to one of them, having a Customer ready that would give him a very good price, told them that since they were so willing he was so too, and that they might possibly have their Horse again when their money came: it is all as one for that, replyed the Gentlemen, we had rather go without horses than you should be dissatisfied, and therefore choose which of the two you will have: they being both, said he good, I care not which of them, and to that end if you please to morrow we will all three ride out of the Town a mile or so, and then you may conclude which you like best, and as for the price we will well enough agree upon that; to this mine host consented, and the next day they all three mounted their horses, and away they rode, but to the great sorrow of us all, for these Gentlemen who had lain thus long in our house were Caveliers, and belonged to the adjoyning Garrison, and when they had drawn mine host with them as far as they could willingly perswade him, and that he offered to return, they then drew, and with Sword in one hand, and Pistol in the other, they came up to him and commanded him to stand, for he was their Prisoner, he asked them for what? and would have disputed the case with them but it was to no purpose; they were deaf to all perswations, and he living in a Round-headed Garrison they concluded him to be one, and therefore he was their lawful Prisonor, and as one they would guard him to their quarters; so they said, and so they did, and taking his Sword from him, they caused him to ride on apace, till they brought him to their Quarters; before their Commander they conducted him, who adjudged him to be a Prisoner, and the next day resolved on his Ransome, which he valued at a hundred pounds: the one half he ordered the Gentlemen should have, and the other to be devided among the indigent Souldiers? this was his doom: and now my poor Host was delivered into Custody; he writ away to his Wife to acquaint her with this doleful News, she could not raise so much Money, and therefore he was like to continue; but in the end, by the assistance of some Gentlemen who were Guests to the house and Caveliers, she got one half of the Ransome to be abated, and so the fifty pounds being sent, he was delivered up, and came home to chear his Wife and Family.

CHAP. XIII.

At the execution of a Felon several Cheaters meet, and seeing a Countrey-man draw a Purse of money resolve to cheat him of it, which they do first by a brass Chain, and afterwards by drawing him in to bet at Gameing. They were again cheated by mine Host, and the principal Cheat comically punished.

Mistress Dorothy here putting a stop to her discourse, we thereby understood she had finished, wherefore I thus discoursed her: truly now I find that to be true of your Host, which I have experimented in myself, and that we must meet with many rubs & misfortunes, but these were but trivial to him considering his great comings in, by his extraordinary gain in trading: that’s true replyed M. Dorothy, but as he had considerable gain, so he had many wayes to spend it, and many spenders, his Wife and Children being all as expensive as might be, and what was got over the Devils Back, was spent under the Devils belly: and therefore though much money went through his hands in a year, yet it went through, and little stuck there or staid with him, so that he was seldome Master of any considerable sum of money; and therefore it went hard to raise this sum of money, and some of his Plate was fain to march off to produce it; but that being paid and he come home, we were all well enough satisfied, and he told his wife this was most certainly the fortune of War, but he questioned not but in short time he would fetch it up again; as indeed he did in using those several ways I have told you of; and now I hope (said she) I have told you enough to satisfie your curiosity; truly, replyed I, you have taken a great deal of pains, but if you have any more in your budget out with them, for what you have hitherto related hath not only been pleasant but profitable, and very full of variety. Well, (replyed she) since you will have it so, I will proceed a little further, and recount some passages as considerable as any you have hitherto heard. There was (continued she) not long before this time a bloody murder committed, for an honest Country-man that lived about six miles from us, one market day was driving his Team of Horses and Cart loaden with Corn to our Town to sell, and being come about half way, he was met by a lusty tatterdemallion rascal that was on foot, travelling on the Road, he first asked the Countrey-man to give him something, telling him he was a poor Traveller and had been robb’d: quoth the Countrey-man, friend, I have nothing to give you, for I have no money, being now going to Market with this Corn to make money of it; the fellow seemed to rest contented with this answer, and thereupon walked on with the Countrey-man; but they had not gone far but the Devil entring into this fellow, perswaded him, here he might have a great prize, and therefore still walked on, he at length seeing the Road clear of Passengers, and a convenient place for him to put his purpose in practice, with a lusty Cudgel he had in his hand, he struck the poor Countrey-man over the Head, that down he fell a sprawling, and not content therewith, drew him a little out of the road, and in most cruel manner cut his throat; having this done, he seizes on the fore-horse of the Team, and leads him also with the Team and Cart out of the road to a convenient place, where he stops, and then drawing the body of the murthered Countrey-man to a Ditch-side, he there made a hole, and having strip’d him of all his clothes, buried him, and stripping himself of those Rags he had on, he putting on the Countrey-mans cloathes, buried his own with the Countrey-mans body; and having thus done, he lead the Team into the Road again; this was done one winters morning early before day; and so he had the conveniency to do all this without interruption, and now with Whip in hand, and habited like a Country-man, he drives on to our town to Market; he took up his standing at the usual place, and had the good fortune not to be questioned of any body, but enquiring how the rates of corn went, he accordingly sold his at a good price as any: and he not only made money of his Corn, but hearing there was a horse Fair that day at a Town but three miles off, and having dispatch’t betimes he drove thither and soon had a Customer for both Horses and Cart, and there he bought him a saddle horse to ride on, being thus fitted to his purpose, he was not long e’re he met with a company of Shirks and Cheats, who intending to chouse him, he was too crafty for them, and enters himself into their society, and by degrees became a Knight of the Pad, an obsolute High-way-man, but the Devil who had set him to work, was not long e’re he paid him his Wages, for he was pursued for a Robbery he had committed, and so narrowly followed that he was forced to take the water, to cross a River, he leap’d in on Horseback, but the Horse was soon drowned, and he narrowly escap’d to a little Island in the River, where he was still in sight of his pursuers, they getting a Boat came up to him, he being armed attempted to discharge a Pistol, but by reason the powder was wet, it would not off whereupon they coming nearer to him he drew his Sword, and though there were three in the Boat he kept them from landing, and being resolved to sell his life at a dear Rate, he kill’d one of them out-right, and wounded another, but now another Boat with more help coming he was in danger to be lost, wherefore putting his Sword in his mouth he again took the water, and swam away, and they after him, but length seeing it was in vain to resist he suffered himself to be taken, and bound, led away to the Justice, and thence to Prison, where he believing he must dye, grew some what penitent, and not onely confess’d the Fact he was then accused for, but among other mischiefs he likewise acknowledged the Murther, and Robbery I have told you off; and the Assizes being come, and he tryed, and confessing, he was condemned to be hang’d in Chains at the place where he committed the murther; this being not above a mile from our Town, at the day of Execution it drew most of the people out of it to see the end of this wicked wretch, who did somwhat penitently[penitently], but his Penitence and Repentance did not work one jot upon others of his quality, who were there present; but as commonly one Wedding-feast begets another Wedding, so one Execution does usually produce another; and they who are Spectators at one Execution, in short time come to be executed themselves: whether there were any persons at this execution that did soon after take his turn, I know not, but I am sure there were present many Cheats, and Pick-pockets, and such sort of people, for our Town was that day pretty well throng’d with them. Among other practises that was used, this was one.

Two or three Cheaters going together saw a Country-man who had a Purse of money in his hand, they had observed him to draw it to pay for some Gingerbread he bought on the way; wherefore they closed with him, and endeavoured to nip his Bung, pick his Pocket, but could not, for he knowing he was in a dangerous place, and among as dangerous Company, put his Purse of money into his Breeches, which being close at the knees, secured it from falling out, and besides he was very sly in having any body come too near him. Our Practitioners in the Art of Thievery, seeing this would not do, set their wits a working further; and having all their tools about them in readiness, taking a convenient time and place, one of them goes before and drops a Letter, another of his Companions who had joyned himself to our Countrey-man, seeing it ly fairly for the purpose, sayes to him, Look you what is here! but although the Countrey-man did stoop to take up the Letter, yet the Cheat was too nimble for him in that, and having it in his hand, said, Here is somewhat else besides a Letter, I cry half, said the Country-man: well, said the Cheat, indeed you stoop’d as well as I, but I have it; however I’le be fair with you; but let us see what it is, & whether it is worth the dividing; & thereupon he breaks open the letter, & there sees a fair chain or neck-lace of Gold: Good Fortune (sayes the Cheater) if this be right Gold: how shall we know that, said the Countrey man? let us see what the Letter says, which being short and to the purpose spake thus:

Brother John, I have here sent you back this necklace of gold you sent me; not for any dislike I have to it, but my Wife is covetous and would have a biggar, this comes not to above seven pounds, and she would have one of ten pounds; therefore I pray get it changed for one of that price[price], and send it by this bearer to your loving Brother, N.B.

Nay, then we have good luck (said the Cheater) but I hope, said he to the Countrey-man, you will not expect a full share, for you know I found it, and besides, if we should divide it, I know not how to break it in pieces, but I doubt it would spoil it, therefore I had rather have my share in money. Well, said the Countrey-man, I’le give you your share in money, provided I may have a full share; that you shall, said the Cheater, and therefore I must have of you three pounds ten shillings, the price in all being as you see, seven pounds. I, but said the Countreyman (thinking to be too cunning for the Cheat) it may be worth seven pounds in money in all, fashion and all, but we must not value that, but only the Gold, therefore I think three pounds in money is better than half the Chain, and so much I’le give you if you will let me have it: well content said the Cheat, but then you shall give me a pint of wine over and above; to this the Countrey-man also agreed, and to our town they came, and into our house, and there the Cheat had the three pounds, and the Countrey-man the Chain, who believed he had that day risen with his A--- upwards, because he had met with so good fortune. They drank off their drink, and were going away, but the Cheat not having yet done with him (intended to get the rest of the money from him) offered him his pint of Wine, which the Countrey-man accepted of; but before they had drank it off, in comes another of the same Tribe, who asked whether such a man, naming one, were there? no, (said the Bar-keeper,) our Cheater and Countrey-man sitting near the Cheat, asked of the enquirer, did you not ask for such a man? Yes, said the enquirer, why said our Cheater, I can tell you this news of him that it will not be long e’re he comes hither, for I met him as I came in; and he appointed me to come in here and stay for him: well, then I were best to stay, said the Enquirer: but (continued he) we were best to take a bigger Room, for we cannot stir our selves in this; agreed, said the Cheater, so the reckoning was paid, and they agreed to take a larger Room, leaving word at the Bar that if any enquiry were made for them, there they should find them; they went into another Room, and our Countrey-man having done his business would be going; no, said the Cheater, I pray stay and keep us company, it shall not cost you nothing; well, then said the Countrey-man, I am content to stay a little: they being now entred into their Room, call’d for a quart of Wine, and drank it off, what shall we do to spend time, said the last Cheater? for I am weary of staying for this man, are you sure you are not mistaken? no, said the other: one of them then pretends to walk a turn in the Room, and coming to the window behind a Cushion he pretends to finde a pair of Cards (which indeed he himself had laid there) look you here, said he to the Countrey-man and th’other, I have found some tools, now we may go to work, and spend our time, if you will play; not I, said the Country-man, I’le never play; then I will, said the other Cheat, but not for money: why then, said the other, for six pence, to be spent, and the Game Putt; they being agreed, and my Countrey-man being made Overseer of the Game, fell to playing, and the Countrey-mans first Acquaintance had the better of it, winning twelve Games to the others four: come, said he, what shall we do with all this drink? we will play two pence wet and four pence dry; to this the other agreed, and so they play’d, and at this low gaming the first Cheat had in short time won of the second ten shillings in money; the second seemed to be angry, and therefore proposed to play for all money, hoping to making himself whole again; nay, said the other, I shall not refuse your proposition, because I have won your money; and therefore to it they went, and the first Cheater had still the same luck, and won ten shillings more; then the other would play for twelve pence a Game, no, said the first Cheater, I am not willing to exceed six pence a Game, I will not alter what I have begun, lest I change luck, unless this honest Countrey-man will go my halves; I have no mind to Gaming, reply’d the country-man; you need not play said the other, I’le do that, and you see my luck is good, venture a Crown with me, you know both our lucke have been, and I hope will continue good; well, content, said the Countrey-man, and so they proceeded, still our first Cheat had good fortune, and he, and the Countrey-man won ten shillings a piece more of the other, which made them merry; and the other was mad; he therefore told them he would win the Horse, or lose the Saddle, and venture all now; and drawing out about thirty shillings; said, come take it all, win it and wear it; and so they played; but they had now drawn the Countrey-man in sufficiently, and he was flush; but it lasted not long thus, e’re he was taken down a button-hole lower, for the fortune changed, and all that he had won was lost, and forty shillings more: He was now angry, but to no purpose, for he did not discover their foul play, and he in hopes of his good fortune ventured, and lost the other forty shillings; and then he said he would go halfes no longer, for he thought he would be merry and wise, and if he could not make a winning, he would be sure to make a saving Bargain, which he reckoned he should do, because although he had lost four pounds in money, & given the Cheat three pounds for his share of the Chain, that yet he should make seven pounds of the Chain, and so be no Loser: they seeing he would not play, left off, and he that had won the money was content to give a Collation, which was called for, but our first Cheat pretending much anger at his Loss, was resolved to venture more; and to playing again he went, and in short time he recovered much of his losses; this angred the Countrey-man that he had not joyned with him, and in the end, seeing his good luck continued, and that he won, he again went halfs, but then it was not long that they thrived, but the Countrey-man was forced to draw his Purse, and in the end lose all his money, which was near twenty pounds: He did not think his condition to be so bad as it was, because he believed he had a Chain worth seven pounds in his Pocket, and therefore he reckoned he had not lost all. By this time several of the rest of the Gang (having been abroad, employed on the same account, Couzening and Cheating of others) now flocked all to our House, being the place appointed for their Rendezvouz, there they acquainted one another of their several Gains and Prizes; and then they fell a drinking, they drank about lustily for joy, and the Countrey-man for anger; and mine Host was called up to make one in the Company; he soon understood what kind of Guests he had, and how they had cheated the poor Country-man; and therefore he was resolved to serve them in the same kind; he therefore put forward the Affairs of drinking, and some being hungry call’d for Victuals; he told them he would get them what they pleas’d; and they being determined to take up their Quarters there, for that night, a Supper was bespoke for all the Company, such as mine Host in his discretion should think fit, he told them they should have it, and accordingly went down to provide Supper, he soon returnes and helps them to drink whilst Supper was dressing; by this time they were all perfectly drunk, he then commands up supper, and they fall too with a Shoulder of Mutton and two Capons, eat and drink hard, and call for more, he tells them it is coming, but they now having sate still a while were all fallen asleep, he makes use of this opportunity, and brings up half a dozen empty foul Dishes, or at leastwise full of bones of several fowls; as Pidgeons, Partridges, Phesants, and all the Remains of Victuals that had been left in the house that day; and strews and places some on their several Trenchers, and thus he leaves them. Some of them sleeping, and sitting uneasily fell from their Chairs, and so awaked themselves; and their companions being throughly awaked, they again fell to eating and drinking; some turning over the bones that were brought, said, How came these here, I do not remember that I eat any such Victuals? Nor I, said another, whereupon mine Host was call’d, and the question was asked him: why surely, Gentlemen, you forget your selves, said he, you have slept fair; I believe you will forget the Coller of Brawn you had too, that cost me six shillings out of my Pocket; how! Brawn! said one, I, Brawn said mine Host, you had it, and are like to pay for it; you’l remember nothing anon, this is a fine drunken bout indeed; so it is, said one of the Company; sure we have been in a Dream; but it matters not, mine Host, you must and shall be paid: Give us the other dozen bottles, and bring a Bill, that we may pay our Reckoning. This Order was presently obey’d, and a Bill brought, which in all came to seven pounds; and I verily believe he misreckoned them for meat and drink, the one half, and told them he used them very kindly; they were bound to believe him, and therefore every man was call’d to pay their shares; my Countrey-man shrunk behind, intending to escape, which one of the Company seeing, call’d him forwards, and said Come, We must tell Noses, and every man pay alike; the Countrey-man desired to be excus’d; and said he had no money; which they knowing well enough, at length agreed to acquit him. This done, they went to their several Lodgings to bed, and it was time, for it was past midnight, they all slept better than the Country-man, who could hardly sleep a wink for thinking of his Misfortunes, and having such good luck in the morning, it should prove so bad e’re night; But morning being come, he and they all arose, and the Countrey-mans money being all spent, he knew it was to no purpose for him to stay there; wherefore he resolved to go to the Goldsmith’s in the Town, and sell, or pawn his Chain, that he might have some money to carry him home: Being come to the Goldsmith’s he produced the Chain, which although at the first sight he thought to be gold, yet upon trial he found it otherwise, and that it was but brass guilt; he tells the Countrey-man the same, who at this heavy News was like to break his heart: The Goldsmith seeing the Countrey-man in such a melancholy dump, enquires of him how he came by it? he soon acquainted him with the manner, and every circumstance: the Goldsmith as soon understood the Cheat, and advises him to go to the Justice, and get a Warrant for him that had thus cheated him: and the Countrey-man telling him that he had no money, nor friend, being a stranger; he himself went with him to the Justice, who soon understanding the matter, granted his Warrant; and the Goldsmith procured a Constable to go with him to our house, where the first Cheater was apprehended, and carried before the Justice; who upon examination explain’d the Case, and finding the fellow guilty, ordered that he should be led to the whipping post, and there be whipped, and then be sent on a horse back, with his face towards the horsetail, and so led out of the Town; and withal, the Justice sent away the Constable to our house, to apprehend and bring the rest of the gang before him; but he came too late, for the Birds were flown, doubting some such matter; so that only the first Cheater suffered the punishment aforesaid; but I remember he was so impudent that when he came by our house on horseback, with his face to the horse tail, Ah, ha! said one, what is the meaning of this? nothing, said the Cheater, but that this horse is given me, and I am resolved to ride this way to make good the Proverb, that I may not look a gift horse in the mouth.

CHAP. XIV.

Two Shoemakers are cheated of a pair of Boots, and mine Host gets another pair of them. Mine Host and one of the Shoemakers find out the Cheater, who is apprehended, and sent to Prison but is released by the Judge for an enterprize of his Companions, who acted wonderful Feats by slight of hand.

Thus was every one a gainer but the poor Countrey-man, who was forc’d to march home by weeping Cross, only with a brass chain worth eighteen pence, instead of above twenty pounds which he had brought out with him. Mine Host gained indifferently well, but the Cheaters more, being fully fraighted; but as they got it easily, so they spent it merrily; and then went to work for more, though they devided the spoil equally between them, yet none had the punishment but the Chain-Merchant, and I believe he had as many lashes on the back as there was links on the chain; he took his punishment very patiently, only when the blow came he would shrink up his shoulders, which a stander by seeing, told him that did him more harm than good; it is no matter for that, friend, said the cheater, you may spare your instructions, for I shall not follow them, and now I am to be whip’d I will do as I List, and when you come to the same sport, and it is your turn to be whip’d, you may behave your self then as you please, thus was he pleasantly roguish when he was in the midst of his punishment, and when he was on horse-back he answered the People as roguishly as I told you; but being come to the Towns end he was dismounted, and sent packing. Thus were we rid of one Crew of Cheats, but truly, if all the Cheats of the Town had been so served as this was, mine Host must also have march’d off, who had he had his due, did as justly deserve it; but it is the little sort of Knaves and Rogues that are punished, the greater scaping Scot-free, as now mine Host did. After this Trick we had another that was altogether as pleasant, and before the finishing of it, there were some pleasant passages, and thus it was.

A Gentleman-Cheater comes to our house, and stays there a day; walks about the Town to finde some purchase, but lost his labor, he seeing there was no money to be had, was resolved to play at small Game rather than stand out; and somewhat therefore he would do if it were but to bear his charges; he had observed that there were but two Shoemakers in the Town, one at the one end, and the other at the other end: he saw they were well furnished with boots and he wanted a pair, he therefore coming home to his quarters, sent our Boy to one of the Shoemakers to desire him to come to our house, to bring a pair of boots to a Gentleman; the Sho-maker in hopes of a good Customer returns with the Boy, and brings two or three pair, our Gentleman trys them on, and at last is pleas’d with one pair, only one of them was too little in the instep, for that said the Shoemaker, it is a small fault, and I can remedy it in an hours time, by putting it on the Last; our Gentleman intending that so he should, asked, what price? eighteen shillings was demanded, but fifteen was the price agreed upon; well, said the Gentleman, carry back the boot that is so defective, and put it on the Last, let it stay on it two hours at least, and then come and bring it, and take your money; very good, said the Shoemaker, and so taking up the remainder of the Boots he departed, not distrusting any thing, and not thinking any man who had two legs could much advantage himself with one single Boot. Our Gentleman being now Master of one Boot, was resolved to have another, and therefore he again calls the Boy, and desires him to go to the other Shoemaker, and wish him to come and bring a pair of Boots: for, said he, the other Shoemaker you brought could not fit me; the boy believed him, not thinking of the transaction, it being done privately in his Chamber: The boy went, and brings the other Shoemaker with him, who likewise brought two or three pairs of Boots; our Gentleman likewise tries them, and chusing that pair that was likest to the other he had, he likewise agreed with the Shoemaker upon price, but made the same exceptions with this last, as he had done with the former, advising him to put the Boot on the Last, for one hour and a half, and at that time to come exactly and receive his money; away went the Shoemaker with the rest of his Boots, leaving the odd one behind, and no sooner was he gone but he draws on his new Boots, and calling for a Reckoning, paid it, and his horse being bridled and sadled he mounted, and away he rode. At the time appointed both the Shoemakers came, so justly together that they met at the Gate with each of them a Boot under his Arm; they both asked for our Gentleman, but hearing he was fled and gone, they both look’d blank upon the matter; mine Host was present, and understanding the story laughed heartily at it; they knew not whether they should be angry or pleas’d, but being both Brothers of a Trade and both served alike, they resolved to laugh too, though it were but with one side of their mouths, and so they sate them down and drank together; one Pot drew down an other, and being of the Gentle Craft they were both good fellows, and at length a Bottle of wine they call’d for; mine Host seeing them in a merry vain, said, Gentlemen, I’le make a proposition to you, faith since the Gent. hath made a pair of two odd boots do you so too and let these as the other two go together, and therefore fillip up Cross or Pile who shall have both; I but said one, I am not willing to hazard my Boot for nothing, therefore thus I propose it; let us have the other Bottle of Wine, and then let us fillip Cross or Pile and take our chance, and he that hath the fortune to have both the Boots shall pay the Reckoning; agreed, said the other, and so they proceeded; and he whose chance it was to have both the Boots, did not only agree to pay the Reckoning, but also called for another Bottle of Wine. Mine Host still kept them company, and helped them to laugh at the Frolick, and now they were gotten into so merry a Vein, they resolv’d to club for the other Bottle, which they likewise in short time drank off. Mine Host having a Design upon them for the Boots, seeing them merry, said thus, Gentlemen, I made one proposition to you, even now and you agreed upon it; I have another to make, which I question not but you will assent to, but in the first place, I pray tell me the just price of the Boots; truly, replyed the Master of them, I was to have fifteen shillings of the Gentleman for them, but they are really worth fourteen shillings, well then, replyed mine Host, my Reckoning comes to six shillings; now if you please I’le venture my Reckoning, which is near half of what your Boots are worth against them, and fillip up Cross or Pile whether I shall have the Boots for my Reckoning or nothing; we’l make no dry bargain said the third person, we’l have some Wine to boot, or no Boots shall be ventured; well, said mine Host, then I will add another bottle of Wine to the Reckoning; and thus all Parties being agreed, Cross and Pile being fillip’d up, mine Host had his Chance, and the Boots; and thus he gained what the other lost, and neither of the Shoemakers could laugh at one another for their loss was equal; and thus was this pair of liquor’d Boots converted into liquor, and that drank up, and this was the end of the adventure of the Boots for the present, but it was not quite finished, for mine Host who again had some business at the Assizes, went to the Country Town where it was kept, and there he met with one of the Shoemakers his Neighbour; he had then the same Boots on that he had in a manner gain’d by chance; and therefore remembring the Jest, they went in to drink at the next Two-pot house; there they were jesting and laughing at the passage of the Boots, when on a sudden mine Host looking out of the Window call’d to the Shoemaker, look you here quickly, and I think I can shew you your Boot-Merchant; the Shoemaker look’d out and saw him, for it was he indeed, with the very Boots on his Leggs; he was walking by, in company of others, who by their Garbs and Mien did seem to be persons of Quality: The Shoemaker would have run out presently and seized on him, but mine Host would not permit it, only advising him to follow him, and see him hous’d; The Shoemaker followed mine Host’s directions, and saw his Quarters, and upon enquiry found that he was to continue there for some time; wherefore he returned to mine Host, and acquainted him of his intelligence; they thereupon advised together what most convenient to be done, and concluded that mine Host should go into his company, and acquaint him that the Shoemaker expected satisfaction for his Boots, and it may be he is a Gentleman of Quality, and only did it in a Frollick, and will now pay well enough for it; but, said mine Host, if I finde him to be otherwise, we can soon have a Warrant to apprehend him, and have him punished; this was reckoned to be sober, and the best advice, and accordingly it was managed; for that evening mine Host seeing him walking alone in the Inn Yard, went and spake to him, telling him if he were not mistaken he thought he knew him; our Gentleman surveying of mine Host, reply’d, certainly no, but however if he would go into a Room, he would gladly drink with him; to this mine Host consented, they being come into a Room, drank and smoak’d together; mine Host again asking him if he were not long since at our Town? yes, said the Gentleman, and I pray you, where did you lodge? at such an Inn, reply’d the Gentleman, and naming ours; why then, reply’d mine Host, I am not mistaken, and if you please to call to mind you may remember me to be the Master of the House; Oh! I cry you mercy, reply’d the Gentleman, now I know you, I did partly remember you, but could not call to mind where I had seen you; but I pray what affair has brought you hither? no great matter, reply’d mine Host, only a little curiosity; that’s well, said the Gentleman: but, said mine Host, methinks your Boots and mine look as if they were somewhat of kin together, I pray where did you buy them? Why? that may well be, reply’d our Gentleman, for I bought them in your Town; but Sir, I pray (be not angry) said mine Host, did you ever pay for them? Why do you ask? said the Gentleman, because, said mine Host, if you did, then you are slandered and abused, and what if I did not pay for them? said the Gentleman; why then, said mine Host, you are best to do it, for the men of whom you had them are both my Neighbours; well, well, said the Gentleman, no more of this, for I paid for them as much as I will do: mine Host seeing him so absolute, said no more to him of that matter, but drank off their drink, and club’d for their Reckoning, which being paid he again at parting said thus; Sir, it will be for your Credit to pay for the Boots, I know all the story, and if you will not pay now, one time or other you will be forc’d to it to your Cost, and Trouble; do not you trouble your head with that, replied the Gentleman, let it alone till that day comes; take your own course said mine Host; and you yours, said the Gentleman, and so they parted. Mine Host having had this huffing answer, made further enquiry what this person was, and found that he was no better than a Cheat, and one that came thither for no other purpose, he therefore tells his neighbour the Shoemaker of all passages, and advises him to get a Warrant to apprehend him, and carry him before the Judge; He who was forward enough before, now went directly and made his Complaint to the Judge that evening, telling him all the Circumstance of the matter; the Judge asked him if he had enquired what quality he was of? he answered, yes, he was suspected to be no better than a Pick-pocket, or Cut-purse: well then replied the Judge, bring him hither to morrow morning before I go to the Court; our Shoemaker did not fail in a tittle, but the next morning seized on him in his Chamber, and carried him immediately before the Judge; when they came there, the Shoemaker made his Complaint, and mine Host was there present, not only to justifie it, but to produce the very fellows, which indeed were easily enough to be known to be so, and so they managed their evidence that the Gentleman-Cheat had little or nothing to say for himself, and therefore he was committed to Prison. It happened at this time that the Judge had a Kinsman with him who was somewhat wilde, and only rid about the progress with him to see fashions, and he had one scurvy humor, which was this; he had a good Estate, and was full of mony; and therefore in a prodigal vapouring way, he would carry a Purse with near a hundred pieces of Gold in it, in his pocket, and this he would always carry about with him, and upon all occasions, though never so trivial he would be drawing his Purse, and shewing his Gold, this was his Custom; and the Judge his Unkle knowing it, had oft times chid him for it, telling him that one time or other he would have his Pocket pick’d and lose it; he would not take any warning, but still replied he would warrant none could pick his pocket, so that his Unkle the Judge did wish many times that he might lose it; and so be broken of that foolish vainglorious humor. Our Cheat being now in Prison, his Companions, who were all Workmen in the same Trade, were very much troubled at his loss, because he would have done them much service, and to be so taken up for so trivial a matter as a pair of Boots much vexed them, and they knew there was no recovering him without the Judges favour; they therefore resolved to put themselves in the best Equipage they could, and go to him, accordingly that night they went, and told him they were humble Petitioners to his Honour, for a poor friend of theirs whom his Honour had commited about a pair of Boots, and they hoped his Honour would release him; because they very well knew he was wrongfully accused, being a Gentleman by birth, and of a very good House, &c. To this the Judge gave ear, and told them that he very well understood the quality of their friend; and theirs also, but, said he, for once I shall pass by this business upon one Condition; to this they reply’d, any Condition he pleased; he then being resolved what to do, commanded all his Servants and Attendants out of the Room; and told them he well understood their qualities, and had occasion to make use of them in an Affair, telling them that he had such a one his Kinsman, who carried a Purse of money in his Pocket, now, said he, I would have some of you to follow him, and get it from him, and bring it to me untouch’d, and then I promise not only to pardon you, but also to deliver your friend to you: They hearing the Judges Proposition, star’d one upon another, not knowing what answer to give, wherefore he again told them that this he expected from them, or else their friend should suffer, they thought fit to answer him with silence, and so departed; when they were gone, they consulted together what was to be done, and believing there would be no great difficulty nor harm in the doing it, resolv’d to effect it accordingly: And therefore the next morning they waited at the Judges Door, and seeing his Kinsman, they found means to perform their Enterprize, and got the Purse of Gold without any considerable difficulty, and forthwith pretending business to the Judge, they delivered it to him; he nodded them an answer, advising them to come to him in the evening; they did so, and he gave them a Discharge for their friend; but that he might do equal justice, he commanded them to pay the Shoemaker for the Boots, and gave them a piece of Gold to drink; they very thankfully received it and did accordingly. The Judges Kinsman being now come out of the Court had occasion for moneys, but seeking his purse found he had lost it; this perplexed him to the heart; but although the loss was considerable, yet the vexation that his unkle must know it was more; he was exceeding melancholly and discontented; and his Unkle enquired and sent for him, yet he would hardly come into his presence: his Unkle knew well enough what disease he was sick of; but however he asked him again and again what he ailed? and what was the matter? he still answered him with silence, and turning away his head. Supper time being come, they sate down together, but the young man would not eat a bit; what will you eat? said his Unkle, nothing, said he: go fetch me a dish of Partridges, said the Judge; it is a dish I know you love: the meat was brought, but the young man could eat nothing: you shall eat, said his Unkle before you rise, and I will have a dish shall please you; and therefore, said he to the waiters, go bring up the Dish I commanded should be last brought up; they thereupon went down, and brought up a dish covered; come Cousin, said the Old man, eat some of this; I cannot said the kinsman, you must and shall, said the Unkle, and I pray uncover the dish and serve me some: the young man seeing his Unkle so importunate, and believing because the dish was covered, that it might be a dish of stew’d apples, resolv’d to uncover the dish, and satisfie his Unkle by eating a little of that; wherefore at his Unkle’s importunity he uncover’d the dish; when he beheld instead of stew’d apples there was a better sort of fruit, it was his own Purse of Gold; he no sooner saw it: how, said his Unkle, I told you I would please you before you did rise from supper, and I think I have done so. The young man smiling thanked him, and then reaching to the dish of Partridges, he fell too lustily, and did eat as hearty a meal as ever; thus did the recovery of his Purse of Gold recover his stomack, as indeed I think it would do any others, it being to him and all others as good a Sawce as a Cordial. And now although the young man was well enough pleased that he had recovered his purse, yet he was vexed that his Unkle should thus discover his folly, and studyed how he might be revenged on his Unkle; he knew very well that his purse was taken from him by some cunning cheat, and that by his Unkles consent; and it was not long e’re, upon enquiry, he found out the manner, and also the People who did it; he gave them therefore a piece to drink, and told them that he would give them twenty pounds more, if they would do him one piece of service; they seeing there was money coming, promised him to do any thing in their powers; he then told them that it was indeed a high attempt, but he would pay them as largely, and save them harmless; and this it was, he would have them pick the Pocket of the Judge as he sate on the Bench: they told him it was both difficult and dangerous; as for the difficulty, said he, I’le make such means that one of you shall come near him, and for the danger, I will take of his anger, and pay you as I have said: to this they at length consented and the next day put in execution; for when the Judge was most busie in examining Witnesses, he that was the Artist that was to perform this, approaches the Bench: the young Man sitting next the Judge his Unkle, beckons the Pick-pocket, and he comes up, and under pretence of whispering the young man in the ear, he pickt the Old Mans Pocket, and carryed off the Purse cleverly; when he had so done he descended, and stood among the other Spectators. In short time after the causes were heard, and one man who had laid long in prison, only for his fees, petition’d the Judge to mitigate and lessen them that he might be able to pay them, where’s the Jaylor? said the Judge; here my Lord, said the Jaylor; what Fees do you demand of this poor man? said the Judge; twenty shillings my Lord, if it please you, and it is no more than your what Lorship order’d me at the lowest; then said my Lord, you must have so much; I cannot help it; I must not make Laws one day and break them another, I had rather pay the money out of my own purse than do so. His Kinsman who sate next him, thought this was a very good opportunity to speak, and therefore thus he said; May it please honour; I had good Fortune yesterday as your Lordship knows, and therefore am resolv’d to do some charitable Act, and I think this of releasing this poor Prisoner who lies for his Fees, will be none of the least: wherefore whereas your Honor motions paying all this poor mans Fees, I make this offer, that if you please to pay one ten shillings, I will pay the other, that the poor man may be discharged: a very good motion, said the Judge. The young man soon found the way to his Purse, and pull’d out an Angel; but the Judge although he searched both Pockets, could find neither money nor Purse, he was therefore much surprized not knowing what to say, nor think, but quickly recollecting himself, thus he spake, I am sure, my friends, when I came in hither I had a Purse of money in my pocket, but now I cannot finde it, he that hath taken it from me while I was here sitting, was his Crafts-Master, and very bold, but I question not but I shall find him, I have so good skill in Physiognomy, that I know a Knave by his looks, therefore I desire you all there below to look on me, every one did so, expecting what the Judge would do, who by and by whispering to the Justice that sate next him, at length arose, and said, look you Master Justice, if I am not deceived, yonder fellow with the straw in his beard hath my Purse; all the People stared one upon another, and the Cheat that had the Purse being conscious of his guilt, doubting he was known to the Judge, and that he had a straw in his beard, he lifting up his hand stroaked it to wipe it away, supposing by that means to pass undiscovered, but that discovered him; for the Judge who had a quick eye, and expected that motion, saw, and observed it, thereupon pointed to him, saying, that is he: it was now too late to fly, for the Jaylor soon seized him, and upon search found the Purse in his Pocket. The Purse was given to the Judge, who told out ten shillings to the Jaylor for the Poor mans Fees, and ordered him to discharge him, and in his Room to take away that bold Delinquent that had pick’d his Pocket; he did so, neither did his kinsman contradict him in the open Court, but when he came home he told him all the management, and desired a discharge for the Prisoner; the Judge knowing that it was done but in jest, granted his discharge, and the Kinsmen sent that, and the promised twenty pounds, and Fees for discharge of the Prisoner.

CHAP. XV.

The Hostess’s Daughter being courted by an ignorant poetical Lover; he brings a Soldier with him who becoming intimately acquainted with Mistress Dorothy relates to her; how he by pretending to be a Cunning-man and raising a Spirit, had furnished himself, his Landlord and Landlady with a plentiful Supper, which had been provided at the Cost of another.

Thus did these Cheats make the best of a bad market, for being at the first obstructed in their designs by their Companions Imprisonment, they were at a loss, and they got little money this bout but what the Judge and his Kinsman gave them, and the people who were present at this bold adventure of picking the Judges pocket on the Bench, were very curious of their own, and for the future had some what more than ordinary to talk of; but mine Host who knew more of the matter than ordinary, made rare sport with this story at his return, and the Shoemaker who hath receiv’d satisfaction for the loss of his Boot, having had money for the other, by mine Hosts appointment sent for the other Shoemaker his fellow Tradesman, and ordinary Charges being deducted, gave him the one half; but mine Host so ordered the matter, that as they began, so they ended in drink, and spent all they had received at our house, and thus ended the adventure of the boots. Mistress Dorothy now stopping, and we thereby finding that she had concluded her discourse, we took the liberty of laughing, and wondring at what she had told us, and therefore desired her to give her self the trouble to relate some more adventures to us, but she told us in plain terms that she had done, and that we were to expect no more from her. I hearing her so peremptory in her reply, told her that we had been very much engaged to her, for the extraordinary pains she had taken in these several relations; but yet I must need add this, that as yet she had not fully performed her promise, for she had promis’d to give us an account of all the family, when as, if I am not mistaken she had said little or nothing of two persons, whom I supposed to be very considerable, and that was the Son and Daughter; and therefore I made it my request to her, that she would recollect her self, and relate to us somewhat of them, because indeed they were a little active while they liv’d at home with their father and mother, but after they went abroad in the world they were very remarkable, (and continued she) since their leaving their father and mother, and my leaving the house were at one and the same time, and one the same occasion I shall now give you an account of it, and then she thus proceeded.

One young Man and Maid living in a house where so much roguery was acted, must needs be well enough experienc’d to act their Parts, but they were so warily looked after by their Mother, that it was almost impossible to exercise their Talent at home, and the young man by reason of the danger of the War, and least he should be taken Prisoner and served as his Father was, was enforced to keep home and ramble but little, but his Sister less, not being permitted to go any way out of the Town. And although many Guests who came to our house saw her, and liked her marvellously well, (for indeed she was handsom) and would have made love to her, yet her Mother knowing the danger by her own experience, watch’d her too narrowly to permit it, and was resolved to use her best endeavor to preserve the Jewel of her daughters maiden-head until she should be lawfully married. She being kept up so strictly had few Suiters, only one in the Town, who was a Farmers Son had a moneths mind to her, and having read the famous History of Tom Thumb, and from thence proceeding to Fortunatus, and then to the most admirable History of Dorastus and Fawnia, was infected with Poetry and Love both at once, and absolutely believing that all he read was really true, did with himself to be as fortunate as Fortunatus himself, and since he could not meet with that blind Lady Fortune to present him with such a Purse, he did however resolve to be as absolute a lover as Dorastus; and now nothing to that accomplishment being wanting but a Mistriss who should be his Fawnia, he found out our Pretty Mistress Peggy my Hostess’s Daughter (Hers I may boldly call her, but mine Host’s I dare not, the Case being doubtful, by what I have already related to you) a Mistress being found for our Swain, he made some addresses to her, and was permitted by the Mother to more freedom than any, because the youth was not only indifferent handsome, but rich, and mine Hostess was pretty free that they should strike up a match together; I was still desired to keep Company with these Lovers, but I had much ado to forbear laughing outright when I heard his Courtship, all his language was Stuff stoln out of the books he had read; and when he was answered by Mistress Peggy, or any question propounded by me to him in any ordinary or different Dialect, he was as deaf as a Bell-founder, and was not able to answer us; I being resolved to make sport with him, told him that I thought he would do mainly well if he would apply his fancy to writing of Poetry, and as an essay I advised him to write a Letter to Mistress Peggy in Verse, he thanked me for my advice, and desir’d my friend-ship and said that he would go immediately home and exercise himself in Poetry, and so he said, and so he did, for behold the next morning Mistress Peggy received a Letter from him, which we both read and laugh’d at, for it was so foolishly forced, conceited, and nonsensical that have I much ado to remember the words, but having often repeated them, I shall now relate them to you.

Madam,

Ever till I saw thee my heart was still at rest,

Little did I think one Female could have pierc’t

Either Heart or Bowels, that on thee doth waste,

So sad all faint and feeble grow within my brest;

Alas, it is pity that sorrow to me should come,

For to tell you the truth as yet I am but very young,

And to express my self I want a better tongue;

But I can truly and sadly say that only you

Are she that hath brought me to grief and sorrow too

Brave Vertues that are in this lovely Damsel found

At the first sight gave my poor heart a desperate wound.

You have my sences very much decay’d

With love, that at one time they will be all dismai’d

Long of the tender love that to you I do bear,

Even now I will make and end my only Dear.

Your true Lover,