Transcriber’s Note

Given the publication date (late 17th century), the capitalization, spelling and punctuation of the original, is variable, There are a number of instances where it is very likely a printer’s error has been made, These have been corrected, and are summarized in the transcriber’s [note] at the end of the text.

Corrections appear in the text as corrected. The original text appears as a pop-up when the cursor hovers on the word or phrase.

There are several full page panelled illustrations, which were not included in the pagination, and have been moved slightly in the text in order to avoid falling within a paragraph. Each panel serves as illustration of a numbered chapter.

Several concessions to modernity are made. The text employed the long ‘s’ (‘ſ’), which has been rendered here as a modern ‘s’. Likewise the ligature of ‘ct’ is given as the two separate characters.

The cover image has been fabricated and is placed in the public domain. Each correction is linked to the summary in the text.

THE

English Rogue:

Continued in the Life of

MERITON LATROON,

AND OTHER

EXTRAVAGANTS.

Comprehending the most Eminent

CHEATS

OF

BOTH SEXES.

Read, but do’nt Practice: for the Author findes,

They which live Honest have most quiet mindes.

Dixero si quid forte jocosius hoc mihi juris

Cum & enia dabis.

The Fourth Part.

With the Illustration of Pictures to every

Chapter.

LONDON,

Printed for Francis Kirkman, and are to be Sold by

William Rands at the Crown in Duck-lane. 1680.

THE
PREFACE.

Gentlemen

We see there is a necessity for our travailing in the common road or High-way of Prefacing; as if the Reader could neither receive nor digest the Pabulum mentis, or fatten by the mental nourishment, without a preparatory. And yet we think it savours neither of civility, nor good manners to fall on without saying something of a grace; but we do not love that it should be so tedious, as to take away your stomack from the meat, and therefore that we may not be condemned for that prolixity we mislike in others, we shall briefly tell you how little we value the favour of such Readers, who take a pride to blast the Wits of others, imagining thereby to augment the reputation of their own: What unexpected success we have obtained in the publication of the former parts, will keep us from despairing, that in this we shall be less fortunate than in the other. But although our Books have been generally received with great applause, and read with much delight and satisfaction, at home and abroad, (having travailed many thousand miles) yet we do not imagine them to be without their Errata’s, for which they have suffered very hard Correction; this is a younger brother to the former, lawfully begotten, and if you will compare their faces, you will find they resemble one another very much: Or else match this pattern with the former cloth, you will find it of the same colour, wool, and spinning, only it having passed the curious hands of an excellent Artist, he hath by shearing and dressing it made it somewhat thinner, and withall finer, than was intended; however we hope it will prove a good lasting piece, and serviceable. You cannot imagin the charge and trouble we have been at, in raising this building, which we must acknowledg was erected upon an old foundation. From the actions of others we gather’d matter, which materials we methodized, and so formed this structure. We challenge nothing but the order; it may be called ours, as the Bucentauro may be now called the same it was some hundred of years since, when the Pope therein first married the Duke of Venice to the Seas, having been from that time so often mended and repaired, as that it is thought, there is not left a chip of her primitive building. So what remarkable stories, and strange relations we have taken up on trust, by hear-say, or otherwise, we have so altered by augmentation, or deminution, (as occasion served) that this may be more properly called a new Composition, rather than an old Collection, of what witty Extravagancies are therein contained. As to the verity of those ingenious[ingenious] Exploits, Subtle Contrivances, crafty projects, horrid villanies, &c. we have little to say, but though we shall not assert the truth of them all, yet there are none, which carry not circumstances enough to make apparent their probability. And you may confidently believe, that most of them have been lately acted, though not by one, two, three, a score, nay many more. To conclude, (least we tire your patience with tedious preambles) it is our desire that you will have a charitable opinion of us, and censure not our writings according to their desert; we are ready to condemn them, before you examine their faults, what would ye more? We are not insensible, that ours are many, and are forc’t to bear the burden of the Printers too; we know the stile is mean and vulgar, so are the Interlocutors, and therefore most requisite and allowable; the Subject is Evil, (you say) and may vitiate the Reader; the Bee gathers honey from the worst of weeds; and the Toad poison, from the best of Herbs. An ignorant young Plowman learn’d from a Sermon how to steal an Ox, by the Parsons introducing a Simile; even as the stubborn Horn is made soft, pliable, and to be shaped as you please, by laying a Hot loaf thereon; so is &c. which he trying so effectually chang’d the form of the Ox-head, that the right Owner knew not his own Beast. There is no matter so good, but may be perverted, which is worst of all, for, Corruptio optimi est pessima; and there is no Subject so bad, out of which some good may not be collected; this drolling discourse, will, I question not, in the reading, prove not only facetious, but profitable, which if you find, we have obtain’d our desired end.

(Omne tulit punctum qui miscuit utile dulci.)

And subscribe our selves

Your Friends and Servants

Richard Head. Fra. Kirkman.

THE
ENGLISH ROGUE

Continued in the Life of

MERITON LATROON,

AND OTHER

EXTRAVAGANTS.

PART, IV.

CHAP. I.

Sayling from St. Helena, &c. Landing at Messina, the Captain, Latroon, &c. sell Ship and Goods; the Seamen falling out and killing one another, they leave them and go for Palermo; Thence they travel into the Country, and describe it with its Rarities and Wonders. A comical Adventure in a house supposedly haunted, as they travelled through Gergento with their Mulletteer.

Whilst we anchored at the Island of St. Helena there happened a sad Accident; whilst we were recreating and refreshing our selves in the Island, one of our men (that brought us ashore in the Skiff) being an excellent Swimmer, stript himself, and over the side of the Boat he went, he had not been long in the water before such as stood on the shore to see him swim, perceived a Shark to make towards him; who cryed out, A Shark, a Shark, hasten to the Boat; which he did with incredible speed, and had laid his hands on her side as the Shark snapt at his Leg, and having it in his mouth turned on his back, and twisted it off from his knee. The fellow protested to me that when this was done, he felt no pain any where but under his Arm-pits; the fellow was drest and perfectly cur’d; afterwards this very Shark was taken by one of our men, fishing for him with a great piece of Raw-Beef, and when his belly was ripp’d open, the Leg was found whole therein. From St. Helena, having taken in fresh water, and gotten in some other refreshment that the Island afforded, we set sail with a fresh breeze and good weather.

Our Captain getting himself into the great Cabbin, gave the word for me, I coming to him, now, said he, let you and I have a little private discourse together, to the intent that we may perfect with safety what we have enterpriz’d with hazard. You know my full intent as to the disposing of the Ship and Goods to my own use and benefit, excepting only what is yours, and the rest of our Comrades: What your old friend in Breeches hath with great hazard ventur’d for, let her enjoy it freely since she hath deserved it, and that you may see the frankness of my Spirit, go, get our friends together that I may inform them, that though I play the Rogue with others, yet I will be just to them; your Newgate Birds will have such as wrong their own fraternity to be stigmatiz’d, and branded with a name of Infamy indelible.

I quickly got them together, and having provided for us what Meat and Liquors (the best) he had aboard, he then told us that we were all heartily welcome, and that he was now, more than ever our friend, and having taken a good lusty draught of what he had before him, seeing it go round; friends and fellow-Travellers, said he, from my Childhood I have had wondrous and various vicissitudes of Fortune, in so much that though the relation of several of your lives which I have had, seems very strange and eminently remarkable to me, yet when you shall hear me giving you an account of the transactions of my life, which I shall trouble you with very speedily, you will look upon them as incredible as Mounsieur St. Serfs Voyage into the Moon, or the Travels of Sir John Mandivle; In all the various windings and turnings of my life, I never was settled long in one Condition. It is true, from very low and mean beginnings I have got to the height of considerable employments, from a Parish Child, I was for my Rogueries condemned to be transported, by subtle deportment and insinuating behaviour I changed my Doom, and was made Cabbin-boy, from thence I did gradually rise passing through every Office that doth belong to a Ship till I was constituted a Captain, several Voyages I have made to most parts of the known World, and have gotten great sums of money, but no sooner did I call it my own, but it vanished by shipwrack, or I was taken Prisoner and lost it that way. I am now in my declension, and having a fairer opportunity than ever I yet had, or ever thought to have to enrich my self, and sit down quietly in some remote Corner of the World, I am resolved to lay hold on it. And now coming near the Coast of Europe I shall tell you my resolution, that I intend to make my self a voluntary Exile to my own Countrey. In order thereunto I shall shape my course for the Streights, which will harbor my design in disposing of my goods, neither will it be prejudicial to you to accompany me thither, since from thence you may dispose your selves to the best and most flourishing Countries of the World.

Here he paused a while to hear our opinion, which we acquainted him with unanimously, that we were very joyful to continue longer in his company, and that we would see him anchored in his designed Port, or run what ever fortune should befal him; having assured him this, he continued his discourse: Since I know your minds, and am, and shall be obliged to you for your societies, I shall endeavour to requite your kindnesses: and that my words may not seem airy pretences without performances, I shall make this Proposition which if granted, you shall know how I have studied a way to gratifie you. It is this, Master Latroon, the Scrivener there, and Drugster, shall give each of them one hundred pounds a piece to Mistress Dorothy, and that I may not exempt my self from helping her forward into the World, I will give the like sum with this Box of rough Diamonds, which I know is worth as much more; we all consented: next, said he, every man according to his stock of money expended in the procuration of what Commodities we have aboard upon the Sale thereof shall receive it again, and his profit thereof according to proportion, with an equal dividend of what Goods was taken upon credit. You shall see me so just to you, that I will somewhat injure my self by taking no fraught from you, but instead thereof the principal Officers shall share with us, and the private Seamen shall have double pay out of the same Goods which we took upon trust.

Upon this we all agreed, and the noise of this Agreement running through the Ship, the nicest of them all from the highest to the lowest liked so well the Knavish-generosity of our Captain, that they all caper’d for joy, and having brought out what Brandy they had on the Decks, drinking the Captains Health, protesting to serve him with their lives, they received Commands to stand away for Sicilia, where in a little time we safely came to an Anchor.

Arriving at Sicilia an Island of the Mediterranean-Sea, seated between Italy and Africk, we made choice of Messina, a City as it is the most illustrious one, in that all-fruitful and ever-flourishing Island, so it is for all manner of forreign Commerce as much crowded with the great Conflux of strangers as most places in Europe; here we landed, and soon found it the onely place of the world that would best fit our purpose: The Joy that possess’d such especially that had never been there before, undoubtedly would have over-swell’d its Banks and become boundless, had not the prudent foresight of some of us hindred its increase by informing there were some black threatning Clouds of danger still hung over our heads, and that we could not be safe till we had settled our affairs by the sale of our Ship and Goods, then if they would ride post to their pleasures none should stop them in their Carreer; this something qualified their exultation and rejoycing, and every one officiated in his proper function.

Our Commodities were not only excellently good in their kind, but extraordinary rich and valuable, the knowledge whereof soon reaching the ears of the Inhabitants and Merchants of Messina, they came in Droves to us, because it was troublesome to deal with so many, we resolv’d to make a quick market of the Continent and things contained, Ship and Cargo altogether. This Proposition better pleas’d those wealthy Citizens, than if we had plaid the Hucksters with our Commodities, wherefore two of the most wealthy and greatest account amongst them bought all, paying us ready money without a penny Credit. After that every man had received his share or dividend proportionably, and according to a general Agreement; we divided our selves into parties as Interest or Inclination lead us. The Captain, Scrivener, Drugster, Jane, Doll, and my self were of one company, the Sea-men with the Under-officers of the ship divided themselves into several Gangs or Squadrons, who having more money now than their Great grand-fathers ever told in their lives, fell into such an excess of Debauchery, that the Citizens thought that Hell had plotted a Conspiracy to disturb their quiet, and these were the Emissaries who should put it in execution.

Getting drunk they frequently quarrell’d about their Sicilian wenches, and indeed to give them their due they seem by the out-side to be worth the going to Logger-heads for, sometimes they fell together by the ears, in that one that deserved not to have a quarter so much as himself, yet had full as much; and now having store of money they regarded their gentility, in that manner that they stood upon every punctilio to defend it from the calumnies and aspersions of such who had but a little before been hail fellow, well met: so that now the least seeming affront would not go down with them, unless it were steept in the blood that dropt from the Nose of the Affronter, when there was a cessation of Arms among themselves, then would they ramble about the streets like mad men, abusing whomever they met, and were well chasten’d for their pains, several of them coming short home.

The City began now to mutter, and verily believed them to be a parcel of Rogues that had sold what was none of their own, and probably to the ruin of many an honest man; and was therefore resolved to endure this outrage no longer.

We hearing this, thought our selves very unsafe whilst in Messina, and therefore concluded to remove thence to Palermo, a City in the same Island of Sicilia. By enquiry I found the most convenient and customary way of travelling thither was by Mules, which are plentiful for Hire; I bargained for as many as would conveniently carry our company which were six, and our money; and so with as much privacy as we could we departed Messina; these Mules travelled very commodiously with us, and carried us over the mountains both with speed and security; and although it was an hundred and eighty miles from the City we left behind us, to Palermo, yet we got thither in less then four days.

In this famous City of Palermo (the fairest of all others of Sicily, and at present the Metropolis and Regal Seat) we stayed some considerable time, and laying aside for a while our shifting and cheating, &c. having enough, that we might employ our wits and inventions in nothing but contriving variety of Recreations, and Pleasures, which were the novel, we cared not at what excessive rate we purchas’d them.

The Captain and my self being more than half glutted with City delights resolved, for some few days to travel into the Countrey, and since it was so famously noted, we would not leave it till we had seen those Excellencies and Rarities wherewith it injoyes Fames Trumpet through the whole Universe. In order thereunto taking our leave of our Friends, and promising to return within five or six days, we proceeded in our progress. In our short Itinerary we saw many brave Towns, and wonderful Places, which told, would exceed belief, as Mount Ætna, and Mongibello, Strombellow, &c. which though it belcheth inexpressible and continual fire out of its bowels, yet hath its head notwithstanding (on that part where the fire issues) covered with deep Snow till the midst of Summer. In Meunenino is the lake Nastia, where in three Eddies you may perfectly perceive boyling water, which gurgles up with an intolerable stink, and sometimes you may see it spew up flames of fire. It hath likewise in sundry other places divers other fountains of admirable nature and quality.

In some Caves and Grots we were shown by the people, we saw the vastly big and immense bodies of men in former time, which were accounted Monsters of Men or Gyants, or to verifie the matter, they believe themselves that a long time since, the Cyclops inhabited their Island. We found the People generally acute, and quick-witted, very facetious, and of a jolly temper, which suited well with the Nature of the Countrey. For to be brief, this Island is not inferiour to any other, either for its fatness or abundance; exceeding Italy in the excellency of their Grain, Saffron, Honey, Beasts-skins, and other things either for Profit or pleasure, in so much that as it was call’d by Tully the Granary of the world, so Homer call’d it the Island of the Sun, and would have us believe all things grew there spontaneously of their own accord; the salubrity of the air is very excellent, as well as the abundance of terrene sustenance, and plenty of all things necessary for mans use, and indeed may be counted the best, which it either affords naturally, or produceth by man’s ingenuity.

Wild-oats grow there, without sowing, and the Vines without planting; their Wines are most delicate, their fruit of all sorts grow with great plenty and goodness; to be short, there is nothing wanting which may not only delight the eye, but please the most critical Palat with whatever may be accounted gustful.

Being almost tired with variety of objects abroad, and being not willing to trust our Comrads at home too much, fearing the temptation of a too long absence, we concluded to return, which I perceived was no small trouble to our Mulletteer, whom we hired to shew us the Countrey, and the rather, because he could indifferently speak good English, intelligible at least, for this Rogue had not been accustomed to fare as we made him do, and therefore he had been well content to have travelled through the whole Universe at that Rate. Being homewards bound, and the day being far spent, we came to a place called Gergento, near which is the Territory of Matharuca, a small Town, in which there were but few houses; however we rode up to the best of them, and commanded our Guide to ask whether we might have entertainment there that night: The Master of the house took it as a great affront that his house should be accounted an Inn, and answered him snappishly that he might look his masters lodging where it was made a profession to accommodate Passengers on the road: he asked him, where such accommodation might be had? to which the other replyed, he knew none nearer than three Leagues.

Our Guide told us what he said, which nettel’d me to some purpose; insomuch that I could not but express some passion, and a great deal of trouble that we should be exposed to the travelling so far, and so late; which the Gentleman taking notice of, seeing by my Garb I must be a Gentleman, though a stranger, and therefore could not be ignorant of the Latine tongue so ornamental and universally useful, addrest himself very civilly to me, and desired me (in Latine) that I would take no exception at whatever had pass’d, that though his house was no Inn, yet he should be very glad to accommodate any Gentleman with a Lodging, especially in such an extremity, had he not been that very day deprived of the means by the arrival of some friends of his from Syracusa, which had filled his house excepting only one Room, which if I would not think with my friend too mean and unworthy for our reception, he should gladly spare it, and with it, what the house afforded. I tendered him in the behalf of my self and the Captain a thousand thanks, in the same tongue, though not in so quaint a dialect, being somewhat deficient in the propriety and Ideom of that noble Language, assuring him we should not be so forgetful as to prove ingrateful for this favour he was pleased to confer upon us; upon this we dismounted, and giving our Mules to our Guide we were conducted into a very handsome Rome by this Seignior de Domo, and caressed by him and his newly arrived friends as if we had been of their antient acquaintance. I could hardly forbear laughing outright to see what a confusion the Captain was in, when they spake to him, for they spake to him in their own tongue, which is a rough Italian without any sweetness, which they perceiving he understood not, they spake Latine, and then Spanish, of all which he understood not so much as to make sense, and therefore answered them in French, which none of them understood, so that when he saw the distorting of his eyes and mouth, which was shaped in a hundred forms (partly for confusion, and partly for vexation) would not interpret his meaning; he applied himself to his fingers, telling his story after such an antick manner, that as I laught, the Company had much ado to forbear bearing me company: Seeing him grow almost angry, I thought it high time to make an Apology for him, pretending that what I said, was what he would have said, but that his language was non-intelligent in the Company.

Supper, by that time we had chatted a little longer (modo Italiano) was served to the Table, and with some Ceremony seated our selves, without his Wife or Daughters, although he had both, and as I afterwards found, had such angelical countenances, that in stead of obscuring or absconding so great a lustre, he might have gloried in communicating their external perfections to our sight, which were illustrated by the adjuncts of so many transcendent concurrences of beautiful Ideas.

We did not German-like after this Evenings Repast, presently fall to drinking as if we had lately swallowed the Offals of half a dozen slaughter-houses, and now were pouring down liquor in abundance to sweeten the Funnel or cleanse the Common-shore that the filth had contaminated within us; but instead thereof we entred into very pleasant and agreeable discourse, every one having the liberty of inlarging it as he thought fit without interruption.

Among a great variety of several Subjects, that of Phantasms and Aparitions fell in our way, one affirming he believ’d that though Spirits might appear formerly, yet it would not enter into his belief that now there was any such thing; Nay, said another, methinks you may be easily convinc’d of the contrary by those Legions of stories to this purpose, so that I should think there should be some Fire whence all this Smoak comes. Said the Master of the house, if you will not believe what is contained in so many Volumes written by the Pens of so many learned and pious Divines, believe yet the reports of such as now are living, have seen Phantasms in several shapes, and have heard their terrifying noise, amongst whom I am one, and I shall tell you to my great trouble that this very house of mine is to this day, from a considerable time since, afflicted with horrible Apparitions. Gentlemen, said he, fear not, he confines himself to one Room only, and so, that he that lyeth in the next, shall be so far from being disturbed, that he shall neither see nor hear anything: and this is the Room, speaking to us, which this disturbed Fiend makes his Rendezvouz, and for no other reason I refused you Lodging, all my other Rooms being prepossess’d by those Gentlemen my Amigo’s. This shall not daunt us, said I, but we will lie there this night that we may resolve to morrow what is now much doubted.

Bidding them good night, several offer’d themselves to accompany us till morn, but we refus’d it, judging their proffer a Complement by the pallid hue of their countenances. It was not long after our departure e’re every one in the whole house betook themselves to their respective Chambers there to take their rest. My stout Captain (as I have sufficiently made appear) had no mind to take any, either for fear he should be caught napping by the Fiend, or else seeing him by flight, escape him; I was partly of his mind too, rather desiring to contend with a thousand men than one Devil. The Captain and my self sate up in our Room till we judg’d it to be about midnight, and then seeing nothing (our eyes being almost shut by sitting up so long) we went to bed, and quickly fell asleep.

Our Mulletteer (either having not filled his belly at Supper, or the remembrance of such excellent food which he had seen not letting him sleep till he had the other bout with it) got up where he lay, and having observed where the Servants had placed on a shelf a large Dish[Dish] of most incomparable food in a small Closet accompanied with several flasks of Flowrence-wine, he softly crope down the stairs, and got to this Room where the delights of his heart stood, but endeavouring to take down the dish (which proving too heavy for him to manage) slipt out of his hands, and in its fall broke down a small shelf that had a great many Pewter-plates thereon, with other rattling stuff, all which together made a fearful noise, and so great that not a Person in the house but what awak’d thereat; but such was their Courage that not one of them would stir, for they now really concluded the Spirit was come, as for my own part my Captain and self were so terrified and affrighted at this hideous noise that we now believed what reports we heard, and therefore were resolved to lye a bed, and sweat our selves to death, rather than rise in that reaking condition and endanger our lives by catching cold, as the sweat dropt from us, so we trembled that the bed shook, I am sure it was not with cold.

Whilst we were in this fearful Agony, the Rogue our Mulletteer, who listning what effects this clutting Alarm would produce, and hearing no person stirring, concluded we were all dead asleep through the whole house, fell on manfully on the Cheer that was before him, getting out some Bottles of Wine, interloyning every bit with a large soop of the bottle, having now stuft his gut and fill’d his head with the fumes of Wine, which he drank at no aim, he gets to the stairs, but the covetous and provident Rascal fearing he should be dry before morning, steps back and takes with him a flask of that wine he had already so freely drank of, and mounts the stairs softly with it in his hand, advancing to the top of the stairs, directly against which our Chamber-door stood, he stumbled upon the head of the stairs, and endeavouring to save himself and the Bottle, he raised that hand aloft, wherein it was, and falling, not being able to recover himself, dasht the Bottle against our door with so much fury, that I do not think there was a piece of the glass in the flask the breadth of a shilling, the suddain surprize of this dismal and horrid thump made the Captain start with such a leap that he fell out of the bed, bearing the Bed-staff with him which so rattled in his fall, that this added very much to the horrour that had invaded all our spirits. This noise in our Chamber confirmed the justness of their fears throughout the house, only that of our Mulletters was of a different nature; for he believing his Masters (as he call’d us) were getting up to find what was the matter, endeavoured to get down the said way he got up, but groaping with his hands, met with the shattered flask on the top of the stairs, which tumbling down to the bottom, the noise of the fractur’d glass perfectly resembled the gingling of Chains.

It is impossible for me to characterize their fear and fright, both which together had so totally routed what courage they had within them, that a Corporal Pygmie with two files of revolted Cranes would at that time have taken them all Prisoners. Our Mulletteer fearing by this second alarm that he should now infallibly wake some of the house; who finding him in that condition would undoubtedly suspect him of some vilanous Design, therefore thought it his safest way to march down again, and lay his Carkass any where till it was day, Being half way down the stairs, he could hear the voice of one crying, Il Diabolo, Il Diabolo, The Devil, the Devil, repeating it often, which so affrighted him that he thought to have returned back, but hearing the noise go from him, with the trampling of feet on the stones as in flight, he boldly pursued them, Questo Diabolo, what Devil, and where, I am none, but I will see what Devil you are. These were three Rogues which had a long time design’d to rob this house, not living far off it; who were well acquainted with this house, and had heard that it was visited by Phantasms; now as they were about to mount the stairs they met with the flask, and broken glass in it, which frighted them away from that enterprize as effectually, as if the Devil with the gingling his Chains had come to meet them.

Our Mulletteer had not been so long a Rogue, condemned twice to be a Gally slave, and very narrowly escap’d from being broken on the wheel, but that he quickly smelt the plot of these three Night-walkers, that they were only bent on mischief, so taking advantage of the fright their guilty Consciences put them in, he seized one of their Swords, which he exercised so well that they found they had another sort of spirit to deal with, than what they had fled from; it being a Devil incarnate; disarming the Thieves he raised the house, but with much ado, and had not done it, had he not shown their light in their Dark lanthorn, none yet daring to be so bold as to come down in the dark to light a Candle; and now they began to creep out of their Chambers with as much caution, as if their way had been planted with Spanish-needles. The Captain and my self waited when some others would stir first, and others exspected the like from us, but at length casting off this enslaving Cowardise, we went down the stairs, meeting with the Gentleman of the house, accompanied with some of his last nights Guests, and so descended into the Court-yard together, where we found our Mulletteer with Swords enough to furnish us all, his Captives lying at his feet not daring to stir; these, said he, are the Devils that haunt this house, but I will lay them for you, I will conjure them far enough off if you will but say the word; leading them into the Hall, we met with one of the Menials of the house whose haste had made him (after an hours consideration what was best to be done) to leave his Doublet behind him, yet forgot not his Sword.

Upon his first Examination they confest what they intended to do, that there was four more in their company who had made their escape, but were ignorant of what they carryed with them. Their own confession was a sufficient conviction, and so they were secured for the present, by tying Neck and Heels together.

The old Gentleman missing some of his friends, began to condemn them for their sluggishness, and supinity; come, said he, let us take them napping and in that posture upbraid them with their sloath: We hereupon followed him up stairs, and entring their Chambers found nought but the furniture therein; without speaking one word, away he ran hastily to his Daughters Chamber, but found that as empty of Lodgers as the rest; and a Cabinet which he committed to her custody gone, which was worth a very valuable sum: at the sight hereof you might have blown the old Gentleman down, had not passion animated him and kept him up from sinking, which he discharg’d so violently on those that were left behind, which were the aged Kindred of the young man that had stoln this fair Maid away, that as much as ever they could do to bear the shock, but at last unanimously protesting they were innocent and ignorant of what was done, and promising they would use their utmost assistance and endeavour in the speedy restitution of his Daughter inviolated, he believ’d them guiltless, and begg’d them to be as good as their word.

And now consulting what he should do with his Prisoners, he was advised to send his man for an Officer, and secure them in a place not far distant, erected for the confinement of Felons, Murderers, &c. as he was going out he had forgot his Doublet for haste, although he had his Sword on, wherefore he was call’d back, who being ordered to fetch it first, was prevented by the Maids coming full butt as he was going in the search thereof, he would have pass’d her, had I not perceived she had a thing like a Waste-coat on, and therefore calling to him, said, Save your self the labour, here is what you are going to seek for; coming back he found his Doublet on the maids back, I imagining whence this Mistake did arise, to make our sorrowful Landlord a little sport, Sir, said I, Do you not see your Maid hath got your mans Doublet already, and will no doubt, get his Breeches too if you do not prevent it; and then looking to his leggs and seeing what a traiterous mistake he had committed; Do you Sir, said I, buy your mans Stockings of two different colours, the one is blue, you see, the other grey; hereupon the maids Stockings were examined and found to be on the one side gray, the other side true blue. This made the Company all laugh, neither could the old Gentleman forbear to smile, but having other business to think on, commanded them to restore to each other what they had borrowed, and he would take a time to examine the cause thereof, plain enough from what was seen to outward appearance.

These Rogues being committed to a publick Goal, he could not be quiet but he must go into his Daughters Chamber again, and upon a review thereof found a Letter directed to him, to this purpose:

Sir,

You may justly blame me for leaving your House without your consent or privity, but when you shall consider it was to avoid my eternal ruine, I hope the Sentence and Punishment which my disobedience doth deserve may prove more favourably merciful; hitherto you have been the sole Monarch of both mind and body, but play not the Tyrant by making my will your eternal Slave. Sir, Youth cannot look through those Spectacles which are useful to Age, nor can my inclination suit with your choice. I am now with him whom I love more than my self, nor can I esteem of that Gentleman of Catania whom you have selected for me, otherwise than the designed Murderer of my quiet. If you will sequester me from my Choice, I will seclude my self from all in a Monastery.

Having read these lines he raved out-right, some times condemning his rigid destiny, then exclaiming against the perfidiousness of such who under the pretence of friendship should be his undoers; But having tired himself with these fruitless complaints, he soberly ask’d our advice what he should do in this intricacy. We all advised him to follow them close at heels with all imaginable expedition, the Captain and my self promising him our Company in the search; the next day mounted we rode the way wherein we guest the Gentlemen were gone with the young Gentlewoman, and having rid about ten miles from Gergento, the place from whence we came, we overtook two fellows who gave us cause to suspect them by their looks and habits, whilst I was acquainting the old Gentleman with my thoughts of them, they liking not our whispering betook themselves to their heels, which so increased our jealousie, that with Whip and Spur I soon overtook them, they resisted me for a while, but being overpoured by number yielded, searching them we found little money, the old Gentleman viewing them strictly, saw his own Coat upon one of their backs, and now concluding that these were the Rogues that had his Cabinet too, made a very strict research but to no purpose, they denying they had ever seen such a thing; but this served not their turns, and although we should hinder our intent in prosecuting a better discovery, yet we thought it very requisite to return and secure them with the rest of their fellows.

Coming home to his own house, he understood that the maid which particularly had waited a long time on his Daughter was suddenly gone, giving to none an account why or wherefore, but she was watch’d to go such a way: We were now all verily perswaded she was gone in quest of her Mistress, and that by tracking her, we should know where she was. The advise was well resented and speedily prosecuted, with such good success, as in less than a days time we found this Gillian and her companion footing it in great haste towards Catania, but we soon stopt their Journey, and discovered, they had got what the poor Gentlewoman was accused of, she had given it to her Friend to carry, but they were both like to bear the weight of the burthen. Examining her, she confest when she saw her Mistress was gone from her Father, and imagining she would be suspected to carry the Cabinet with her, (which would support her, should her Father frown for ever) she took that opportunity to enrich her self, and that Friend with her.

It was well this timely discovery was made for the five Rogues in Goal, it was as good as a Pardon after condemnation past, and now the old Gentleman seeing he had lost nothing, and that his Daughter with her disobedience was unjustly suspected a thief, he franckly protested before us all, that he would never put a restriction on his Daughters choice, but would freely give his consent to whom she thought so worthy as to be her Husband; This Protestation was immediately dispatch’d away, by one that knew where our Lovers were, which happy News recall’d them home to their mutual satisfactions, and that the sufferings of her Maid and Friend might not eclipse the Joy and Gladness which attended their Hymenial Rites, she begg’d her Father to forgive them all, who to gratifie their desires prosecuted none of those notorious Offenders; and so we shall leave this joyful Couple to spin out the Thread of their delight equally to that of their lives education.

Were ever men so scar’d, did ever fright

So seize weak Mortals in the dead of night?

Could a bare noise affright when nought appear’d?

And being afraid we knew not what we fear’d:

One hid his head all underneath the cloaths,

Lest that the Fiend should take him by the Nose:

Dumb was he too, for not a word did pass,

Lest that should tell him where about he was.

My Friend, the Captain, whom I will not wrong,

Did ne’re before to me smell half so strong:

My panting heart (I almost stew’d to death)

Did beat so fast I could not draw my breath.

Now comes the worst, the noise approach’d more near,

All things combin’d for to increase our fear.

Mounting the stairs Old Nick was drunk I think,

To break his Bottle, and to spill his drink:

The ratling Flask tumbling the stairs amain,

Did make us think the Devil shook his Chain.

But now th’ appearance of the Morning-light,

Gave us new life, and put our fears to flight:

For now we found, for all the peoples talk,

The Sp’rit was quiet, but the Thieves did walk.

This house these haunted which were worser Evils,

Than Fiends or Goblins, Damn’d-incarnate-Devils.

This Apparition plainly did discover,

That this same night the Maid lay with her Lover.

For the Stockings and the Doublet did disclose,

The match they made had thus mismatch’d their Cloths.

CHAP. II.

They are ship’d from Palermo to Naples, by the way Mistress Dorothy continues the story of her Hostess who was hanged with her Husband for a Murder, the like was never heard of, her notorious confession[confession] at the Gallows of all her former Villanies: Latroons reflections on it. Mistress Dorothy and her Companion the Souldier, return for London.

Our Mulletteer was very well rewarded by our Entertainer, for the prevention of so much mischief, which had undoubtedly befel the Gentleman, had not this fellow gone down at that unseasonable time to stuff his insatiate guts. And now taking our leaves (the Gentleman and his friends being very unwilling and sorrowful to part with our Companies) away we came shaping our course for Palermo, where being arriv’d and finding out those Friends we had left too long, infinite was our satisfaction of meeting thus together again, but I I thought my Jinny would have been transported with joy when she saw me, but recovering her self, she check’d me severely for staying so long from her beyond my promise. Our caresses were accompanied with what choice Viands and Wine the City could produce.

Having now pleased our sight with the curiosities of this place, we concluded upon a remove; and the next place pitcht on was Naples, and to the intent we might convey our moneys with greater safety thither, we took up Bills at Palermo for 5000 pounds, drawn upon a Merchant of Naples, payable[payable] ten days after sight. Having shipp’d our selves, with all conveniences, that our Voyage might not seem tedious, I desired Mistress Dorothy to divert the Company with the continuation of her Story. Ah Master Latroon! (said she) your Request renews my grief, by putting me in mind of the loss of my dear Companion Mall, however I shall endeavour to satisfie your desire, and having given a summary account to the Captain and the rest, which had not heard anything of her former relation, of what was before discovered, she commenc’d her following discourse where she before left off, viz. her coming acquainted with the Soldier, and then she thus proceeded.

Being rid of my great Belly, and having now gotten me a good round sum of money, I took my pleasure with as much freedom as my unlimited desires could prompt me to, I was frequently at the old womans the Hostess, (alias my Procuress) where I found conveniences for all my secret, crafty, and pleasant Designs, and indeed to give her her due, she was no Back-friend to me, this was the place which I made my general Rendezvouz; here I did use to meet with my Friends, and here did I converse with my Soldier of Fortune (as I have already told you) before I make any further progress, give me leave to rehearse a Copy of Verses (which I got by heart) of his own composition, which he made upon the cunning trick he found in conjuring for food for his hungry Landlord and his own half famisht worship, which were these:

Hunger’s a Whetstone that so sharpens Wit,

It cuts away for some to feed by it.

For stomacks cramm’d with Lethargies do blind

The active wit, and hebetates the mind.

The Grammer-school when it hath spawn’d the Fry

Either to Oxford or to Cambridge hye:

Where lest they should by too much food grow dull,

They scarce in seven years have their belly full.

That Barresters at Bar may louder bawl,

See the short Commons that art in the Hall.

’Tis plenty rusts our Valour, when we need,

Rather than starve, we there can bravely bleed:

For food we fight, for which we Centry stand,

Want makes our wit as active as our hand.

Thus did my wit shew to my wants a way

To fill its belly, and increase my pay,

Hence I may say that I do live by wit,

For I’ve got money, and a Wench with it.

Grammercy Wit, help and assist me still,

He ne’re can want that hath but Wit at will.

This Souldier was a Gentleman of a good house, though fallen to decay, whose education might have renderd him capable of considerable employments, had not his Heroick inclination to the Wars taken his thoughts clearly off from every thing else. I appointed a day for this man of war, to attend me some few miles into the Countrey, having got leave of his Captain we went together, in the mean time my Hostess was spinning of Hemp, and by return had finisht a Rope for her self and Husband: and thus it was.

A single Gentleman came as a Traveller to lodge in her Inn, having set up his Horse, and his Portmantua carried to his Chamber, he knocks for his Landlady, who coming up to him he acquaints her that he thought he should make a stay for two or three days, and therefore delivers into her hands a bag of one hundred pounds, desiring her to lay it up safe for him, she took the Bag and promised to keep it safe, and so she did from him: The Devil was one of her Privy Councel who advised her to perswade her Husband to murder the Gentleman for his money, which thus they cunningly effected as they thought, but he that did set them at work will pay them their wages.

At midnight she and her Husband entred the Gentlemans Chamber through a private door which was hid behind the hangings, a Sally-port for a thousand Rogueries they committed; mine Host with a Pillow he had brought with him, and the assistance of his wife, smothered the Gentleman as he lay in his bed, having so done, and putting on his Cloathes, they laid him down into the Stable, and there with a Rope ty’d to a beam, they hung him up, and so went to Bed; In the morning the Hostler going into the Stable found a Gentleman there hanging, upon sight whereof he ran into the house with an Outcry, which quickly reacht the ears of the Neighbourhood, so that in an instant the house was filled with people, every one giving his Verdict as his imagination prompted him; the general Vogue was that for some discontent he had thus desperately made away with himself. This old Beldam had the impudence to come into the Throng of the people, and there declare her Hypocritical sorrow for the death of her Guest, protesting that she would have given an hundred pounds with all her heart, that no such thing had hapned in her house. I took notice, said the Host, of his extraordinary melancholy last night, and reproving him for his unsociableness, he clapt his hand upon his breast, and with erected eyes to heaven, he groaned so loud and long that I thought it would have been his last. This prodigious lye would have wrought wonderfully upon the belief of the People, being a strong Circumstance of his despair or great discontent, had not this unlucky boy which I told you of before, cryed out, true good people, I heard him groan too, but it was when my Master and Mistress were hanging him up in the Stable, what they had been doing with him before I know not, but I saw them as I lay under the manger bring in his body, which seem’d to me as dead, and had they seen me, I believe I had not been now living; my Mistress had the chiefest hand in this work as I judge, for she got up into the Rack, and stradling the beam tyed the Rope, then did my Master raise the body in his Arms for her to put the noose about his neck; this is a truth said he, for which I will rather dy then deny.

His Master hearing this, and being conscious to himself that this was no ly which the boy said, betook himself to his heels, whilst his wife with a brazen countenance was justifying her innocence. The people seeing the flight of one, and the matchless impudence of the other, concluded them guilty; and laying hands on her first, and hold of him after, they secured them with the boy till the Constable was fetched, who came immediately and carried them before a Justice, where being examined they stood out stiffly in their own vindication, maugre the boys peremptory and undaunted accusation; In fine their guilty consciences would not let them longer persist in their justification, but confest the Fact that it was an hundred pounds which was committed to their charge by the Gentleman, that first tempted them to smother him, the Devil helping them to way they thought undiscoverable. They were committed to a Goal, where they lay till Assizes; at which time they were both sentenced to dye.

Glad was I that it should come into my head to ramble into the Countrey at that nick of time, for my extraordinary familiarity with them might have raised a suspition to the endangering of my person, besides the boy which accused them had a spight against me for causing him to be soundly bang’d sometimes for some Roguish trick he served me; one he play’d a little before this Murder was committed, and being basted for it, I heard him say mutteringly, he would find a time to be even, judge you whether he be not, however thus he was an unhappy Roguish boy, yet Heaven judged him a fit Instrument to discover a deed so bloody and horribly wicked.

Coming to the place of Execution, I could not see in my Hosts face any considerable marks of remorse or penitency, only the fear of Death had screwed his face into a hundred ugly affrighting formes: She for her part ascended the Ladder after she had seen the death of her Husband, with magnanimity and Courage; having been in Prison according to report, the greatest Penitent that ever was known to go thence and suffer as a Malefactor, I say she standing undauntedly on the Ladder, spake to the People after this manner, which I here recount as carrying some very remarkable things in it.

The Speech of a Notoriously-wicked Woman

at her Execution.

Christian People, the greatness of my sins have cry’d loud to Heaven for Vengeance a long time, but Mercy hath interceded for the prolongation of my life, to give me a long and fair opportunity for Repentance, but this long forbearance hath but hardned my heart, and made it obdurate; so that my black and horrid Sins grew so numerous that they awakened divine Justice (which hitherto seemed to sleep) to find me out, and bring me to this shameful and condign punishment. As I am here before you a sad spectacle of misery, so I hope you will beg of God mercy for my poor sinful soul, which from my Cradle to this time hath been polluted not with Crimes of a common Die, but such as were conceived in the Womb of Hell, and Midwiv’d by me into this wicked world. What Tragical unpattern’d Mischiefs they have acted on the Theatre of my native Countrey, my tongue (that cursed Accessary in the ruine of some Families) shall not conceal from you, since I cannot hide them from the knowledge of God Allmighty.

When I was so young I wanted power to perpetrate Villany, I had strong inclinations to the acting thereof; I was no sooner wean’d, but I had like to have killed that Mother who gave me life, by pricking her in the naked breast with a Bodkin I took out of her Head-cloaths, she being then half asleep, holding me in her Lap, when I arrived to the age of fifteen, the boiling of my blood would not let me rest till I had somewhat qualified its heat in the unlawful reception of a young man, after which sinful act I found my self with Child, to prevent the shame whereof I murdered it, thinking to hide one smaller sin by the greatness of another; the death I am about to suffer should have been the reward of that execrable murder; and I now wish it had been so, for then I had not strangled in the very birth (to abscond my whoredom from my Husband) a Child, the product of my insatiate lust with a Blackmoor, who afterwards lost his own life in the destructions of my Husbands; neither had I been the cause of the death of two more, had I not been the basely obscene Prostitute to them both.

But one more remarkable murder then any yet I have related, I must not conceal, the burden whereof lies like a mountain on my already over-loaded Conscience. Passing one time for a maid, though then a common debauched whore, this Inn-keeper, (my fellow-sufferer, and justly so, since he was my Co-partner and Complotter in a thousand Roguish Contrivances) courted me to be his Wife: being informed of his wealth I easily condescended, not regarding his goodness so much as his Goods, and lest he might find what I was on our Nuptial Night; I caused a pure, but poor Virgin whom I hired to lye in my place for that time, but over-sleeping her prefixt time I had appointed for my exchanging places with her, I was forc’d to fire the house, in which confusion she running down to a Well in the yard to get water, I pursued her, and partly to be revenged, and partly to be secured from her future discovery, I tumbled her into the Well, and there she perished: As to the last murther of this Gentlemen, I must needs confess my Husband, though superlatively wicked, had no inclination thereunto, had I not perswaded him; nay, upbraided him with pusillanimity and cowardize if he would not be my Coadjutor and Assistant therein. Now do I wish from the bottom of my disconsolate Soul, I had as many lives as deaths I have occasioned, to offer up as a Sacrifice which might expiate so many crying sins of murder, as I have committed in my life time, this one is too small a satisfaction for the loss of so many. And had I not forfeited it to the Law, yet I ought not to live, considering the debauched course of life I ever liv’d, being no more than a rank stinking weed, which hindred, nay choak’d the growth of wholesom herbs and flowers, which otherwise might have proved delightful in their fragrancy.

And now to conclude, if you intend to escape this shameful punishment, and not to be made an example to others, as I am now to you, shun all these Vices and Debaucheries which have dragged me to this accursed end, and do not promise to your selves a better conclusion, if from the beginning thereof you continue the prosecution of vicious and debauched Courses; I was as confident as any he or she here, that hanging was too ignominious a death for such a piece of Gallantry as I was, but assure your self Heaven has no respect of persons; the Sword of Justice spares no more the shining Gallant and huffing Bravo, than the meanest smutty Tinker; And so desiring the Prayers of the Spectators for her, having rendred her private Applications for her eternal concern, she gave the sign to the Hangman, and she was so turned off.

This speech of the dying person Mistress Dorothy rehearsed to me, with so much passion, giving each word so becoming an accent, that I must confess to you it wrought wonderfully on me, nay it so startled me, that I now began to consider what would become of me since laying aside murder, (having never imbrewed my hands in blood) I was more notorious in all manner of Vice than the narrowness of a female Soul could be capable of imagining much less of acting, why should I then humor myself into a fancy of escaping, since I have seen so many dismal Examples of this nature, some whereof I have told you, and more I shall of my intimates in the prosecution of my Story, who notwithstanding they have craftily endeavoured to conceal their nefarious actions and projections, yet have been found out by the omnipotent, nay then when they thought him to sleep over their hainous transgressions, which puts me in mind of an excellent passage of Juvenal, though he be a Heathen, in his Satyr 13.

——————— Fatebere tandem

Nec surdum, nec tiresiam, quenquam esse Deorum.

Let us confess, since we at last shall finde,

None of the Gods are either deaf, or blind.

Craving pardon of Mistress Dorothy, I desired her to proceed, which she did in this manner: Having staid the Execution of my old friend (which was no small trouble to me,) but durst not be present lest she should discover my Rogueries too, since she was so ingenious to acknowledge her own to the world; I say, I staid no longer than to get what things I had ready, and desiring the Soldier to attend me to London, he had so much favor from his Office, as to get a furlow for eight weeks, and so away we march’d: Immediately after our arrival, I took Lodgings in Covent-Garden, and having cloath’d him like a Gentleman as he was, we agreed to call each other Cousin, lodging under one and the same Roof. His company was very agreeable and complaisant, which made me take a great delight in his society. He had a good command of his Mother-tongue, expressing every thing eloquently and facetely, which his invention furnished his mouth withal; when at any time we were alone, he would be continually telling me one Story or other, but chiefly a great many beyond Sea Cheats, some whereof he was an eye-witness, but because they all concerned his own Sex, I desired that he would give himself the trouble to recount something of ours; undoubtedly, said I, you were acquainted with the females abroad as well as at home, and I cannot be so ignorant to believe you have not conversed with them. Yes, replyed he, or else I had been to blame, and should have lost one of the principal ends I went for, If I had not been acquainted as well with the Madam, as the Monsieur; but, continued he, I do not think it proper to recount any of the frailties of women to one of that Sex, that discourse is more proper with men when we triumph and boast of our witty encounters, and waggish over-reachings of that Sex. But, replyed I to him, as you have done all this, and spent some time in the recitals, so I pray let me further engage you to acquaint me with somewhat of that nature. That you may see, replyed he, how much I am your Servant, I will obey you, and tell you two Stories of two women, who were excellent, and their Stories considerable different.

CHAP. III.

The Gentleman Soldier gives an account how he came acquainted with an extraordinary beautiful, yet seemingly reserved Courtezan, who slighting him having spent all upon her, he makes himself amends, by cheating her of what she had gotten; he gains acquaintance with a Mercers Wife by a mistake, or rather by Letters falling accidentally into his hands, that were sent her by her Inamoretto, by which means he finds a sufficient reward, besides his sensual enjoyment of so lively and grateful a Mistress.

Be pleased to know then, continued he, that when I came first into Paris, I supposed that as I was young, handsome, and in a very rich gentle Garb, so I did believe that it would not be long e’re I should have some Message or invitation from some Madam or other, but although I waited long for this Adventure, yet I met with nothing to that purpose, but all the French-Ladies although they are in their converse open and free, yet come up close to them, and they are as cold as December or that which is colder, Charity, they would not at all be so charitable to me a stranger, as permit me to close with them, so that I thought I must have returned from thence as wise as I went, for any thing I should know of women; I finding that of my self I could not do any thing, therefore I observed those of my acquaintance what they did in that Case, and at length I found that for all their braggs they were as well furnished with Mistresses as I was, and indeed had none, or at the least none at all that they durst particularly own, but a poor common Courtesanna: I seeing there was no better to be had, was resolved rather than fail to put in there, and to play at small Game rather than stand out: wherefore I took the next opportunity of going with one of my acquaintance to one of those houses, but although I had fasted a great while, yet my stomach was so squeamish that I liked nothing that was there, but only in drinking and talking spent some time and so departed.

I was observed whilest I was there by an old grave Matrona, who two or three days after, meeting me, alone, told me that she had seen me at the house aforesaid, by which she could guess at my business, and finding that there was never a Dish that liked my Pallat, and being desirous to be civil to, and accommodate all strangers, she would pleasure me so far, as to bring me acquainted with the most celebrated beauty of all Paris. I liked her Proposition; first gave her thanks, and then told her if she would name the time and place, I would gladly wait on her; She told me that she was ready at all times and in all places to serve me, and that I might therefore appoint what time I pleas’d. I who had no business but my pleasure answered that if she would about four of the Clock in the afternoon come to the Place where we then were, I would not fail to meet her, she telling me that she would come at the time, we parted; I went to sprucifie my self and put Money in my pocket, and she went as I suppose to prepare the Madam to receive me. The time being come, I went to the place appointed, where I met with my Conductress who already waited for me, I went with her, and in short time we arrived at the house intended, I was conducted up stairs, and received by the Lady with much kindness; the old woman made a Speech to us both, tending to the purpose intended, and then wine being call’d for and a Banquet, we regalled our selves, and spent our time in pleasant conversation; the old woman knowing what I came for, in convenient time left me alone with the Lady, who permitted me to take the satisfaction I desired, and then I giving her a handful of Crown-pieces, which was the key of the work, and she promising me a continuance of her love. The old woman was again call’d for, when she came we renewed our discourse, which continuing for some time longer, I also giving somewhat to the old woman, and the Servants of the house, we soon after parted.

As I went to my lodging I considered of the Adventure I had met with, and the next day enquired what this Lady was, and upon enquiry found that she was a Right Bona Roba, but such an one that was not ordinary, but reserved, and only kept company with the better sort of Monsieurs, I was well enough pleas’d, with what had happened, and was resolved during my stay in Paris to look no further after any female, and accordingly I often frequented her house, and was received as kindly as I could expect, I commanded the house in all I pleased, and lay there when I thought good; but this my pleasure consumed and confounded my pocket, and my allowance from England being but small, was in short time so wasted that I could not hold out to spend so largely as I had done, and as the strength of my pocket decreased, so did her love diminish, and when I had no more mony, she had no more love. No longer pipe, no longer dance, and now as others had formerly been denied, and kept out of her doors, to entertain me, so then the doors were shut against me for others; I was vexed at the baseness and ingratitude of this woman, and resolv’d to be revenged of her if I could, and I made it my only study to do so, I had written into England for mony, which was in short time to come, till when I plaid the good husband, and staid within doors, and so recovered my expences, so that when my mony came, I was in Capacity to put new Cloaths on my back, and good store of Crowns in my pocket, I likewise borrowed some Rings of some of my acquaintance, to whom I communicated my design, desiring their assistance, which they accordingly promised me. Being thus well furnished, and set out with good outside, new Clothes, I again attempted to see my quondam Mistress, but was the first time denied entrance, although I was so liberal as to give the Servant a Crown-piece, and thereby had the means to discover that I had more of the same in my pocket, but the next time that I came thither, I was admitted, and my Mistress pleasantly saluting me, told me that I was very welcome from my Voyage: I ask’d what Voyage? she told me from England; I replyed I had not been there lately; she told me that then some body had abused her and me both, and told lies of me; for, said she, I did not question if you had been in these parts, but I should have seen you, where you alwaies have been welcome; for, continued she, you know that so long as I have a house you may command your welcome in it; I but, thought I, to little purpose, and concluded that all these terms of welcome were but words of Dissimulation, and would last no longer than my money did in pocket, but being resolved to prosecute my design, I would not so far take notice of what she said as to quarrel with her about it, but using my former wonted freedom, I sate down, and call’d for such Wine and other things as I had a mind to, and spent two or three hours very pleasantly with her; and by that means renewing my acquaintance, I gave no occasion of distrust of what I intended. During my stay there, I gave her the convenience of seeing a rich Gold Watch I had in my pocket, and several Rings I had on my fingers, and that my pockets were very well lyned with Silver and Gold, and drawing out as much as was sufficient, I delivered it to her Servant to provide a Supper against the next night, when I told her I would return and sup, and lye there, she telling me I should be welcome, we for that time parted. I then went to two or three of my acquaintance who were to help me in my Design, and directing them what to do, the time appointed being come, I went to her house, and knowing that my Mistress was a great Lover of wine, and that it would be necessary to make her drunk, I carried some bottles with me; being arrived there, she again kindly welcomed me, and pleas’d her eyes with beholding my rich Suit of Cloaths, my Watch, Rings, and the fulness of my pockets, not questioning but that I would leave a good part of these behind me, but she reckoned without her Host, as I shall presently tell you.

Supper being ready we sate down at the Table, and did eat plentifully, but did drink more abundantly, I telling her that she must be merry, she to oblige me drank of her Cups so roundly, that she fell asleep as she sate at the Table, from whence I caused her to be carried to bed, where she was no sooner laid, but she fell a snoaring. I then having given the Servants a dose of the same Liquor caused them to go to Bed, telling them that I could undress my self, and go to bed without their assistance.

I then being alone looked about to see what was to be done, I there saw a Cabinet wherein was the womans Jewels and money, and looking a little further I saw her Cloathes, and some Plate, and not long after my friends whom I had appointed being come, I began to work, first I threw down out at the window her best Cloathes, and all my own, and by the help of her Garters I let down the Cabinnet, her Plate, and so much as the silver Candlestick which we had used; this done, I left the window open, and then went to Bed to my Lady, who although she slept hard at present, yet before morning she awaked, and then we spent our time as we formerly had done; and being somewhat wearied, we again went to sleep, but about an hour after awaking and finding that it was broad-day-light, I called out for the Servant to bring me my Clothes that I might rise, in regard (as I said) that I had some business to dispatch that morning. But the Servant looking about for them and not seeing them, nor her Mistresses, nor the Cabinets, nor the Candlesticks, and missing many things, which she had over night left in the Chamber, and seeing one of the Chamber windows open, she cryed out, O Lord Madam, we are robb’d; at this cry her Mistress drawing the Curtain, ask’d what was the matter for that noise? O Lord, replyed the wench, we are robb’d, for I cannot see your Clothes, your Cabinet, your Plate, nor several other things. Heavens forbid, said the Mistress, I hope you lye; no truly Mistress, continued the wench. Where then, said I, is my Clothes? They are likewise stolen, replied the Wench, for I cannot find them. At this word I seem’d to be mightily astonished, and thereupon I said,

Madam, put these Tricks and Gulleries upon others, and not upon me, who can see through all your disguises, what do you intend, or think to chowse me in this manner? How, my Love, replyed she, what do you say? Now you see I am utterly ruin’d, is this all the comfort you will give me? No, no, replied I, you must sing another song, or else i’le make you, because you saw I came hither with good Clothes, and my pockets cramm’d with Money and Jewels, you think to catch me with this trick, making me believe that you have been robb’d, but I swear to you, continued I, that you shall not carry it thus, and that I will go to the Magistrate and have you and your Family every one of you clapt up; and having thus said, I leapt out of the Bed; and naked as I was in my shirt, I went to the window and cryed out Thieves. This poor woman now more dead than alive, seeing that beside her great loss, she was likely to receive a great affront, leap’d also out of the Bed, and falling about my neck, with lifted up hands, and tears in her eyes, begg’d of me to have pity on her, and that now after she had lost all, I would not go to ruine her quite in her Reputation; I therefore seemed to be moved with her Prayers, but said to her, must I be forced to live here for want of Clothes to go out? No (replyed she) go to Bed again, and I will send to one of my friends to borrow a suit of Clothes for you, and thereupon she immediately sent away to a French-Knight who was one of her Gallants, to borrow one of his best Suits of Clothes, pretending that she had a fancy to disguise her self in mans apparel. The Messenger soon returning, and bringing a fair Suit of Clothes, and all other necessaries, I arose, dressed my self, and taking my leave of my Mistress, went to my friends, where upon examination of my Cabinet, I found that I had increas’d my stock to above twice as much treasure as I had spent upon her, and a good Suit of Clothes into the bargain: He having finished his Story (said Mistress Dorothy) I told him he was very hard hearted to use a poor Lady so, and one who had been so kind to him, and that although she had refused him admittance when all his Mony was spent, there is some reason for it, for it is possible said I, you would have brought her and your self into extream beggery; well, replyed he, I know you are not a competent Judge in this case, and therefore I was unwilling to acquaint you with any of these matters; but, continued he, I will if you please, proceed in the other story I promised you, and so conclude.

I desiring him so to do, he went on thus: I being in this manner, said he, revenged of one Mistress, did resolve to leave her off quite, lest she should in time pay me off in my own Coin, and did endeavour to get another, but could not meet with or find any to my mind; but I and one of those of my acquaintance who had assisted me in my late exploit, one day talking of our female friends, told me that indeed, although he had not gain’d so much by a Mistress at once as I had done by mine, yet he had such a Mistress as had bin not only pleasing, but very profitable to him, for said he, I can command fifty or a hundred Crowns at any time; I marry Sir, said I, that is a good Mistress indeed, and is more than ordinary; yes replyed he, she is no ordinary person. I hearing him say so, knew it was to no purpose to ask her Name and Quality, but did resolve so to watch him that I would find it out, I usually therefore kept him Company and like his shadow still attended him, but he being as cunning as I was crafty, so privately mannag’d his amours, that I could not possibly find him out, I therefore sometimes lay with him, and took the opportunity of searching his Pockets for Letters, but found none, so that I was very doubtful of attaining my Ends, which was to discover who this unknown invisible Lady was, I finding that my acquaintance was too close to get any thing out of, was resolved to take another course, and since I could not out-wit the Master, try if my Boy could out-wit his; I therefore instructed my Boy in what he was to do, and ordered him to get in with the other, and get out of him one time or other, whether he did not carry Letters to any Persons, and to whom. My Boy was not so long about his Discovery as I had been about mine, for in a short time he told me that the Boy was often employed to carry Letters to a Mercers Maid, who lived in the next street, and also to a Carrier who conveyed Letters to an Unkle; I now partly knowing the Who, was desirous of knowing the What, and therefore ordered my Boy by one means or other to get one of his Letters and bring it unto me. He so well discharged himself in this employ, that it was not long e’re he brought me one. I being very curious to know the Contents, soon opened it, for heating a Knife in the fire, I put it under the Seal, which melted the Wax in that place, and so it was open, wherein I found these expressions. Madam,

I am very sorry that I am so unfortunate, that in the term of fourteen days I have not had the happiness of waiting on you, sure the old man is grown jealous, or which is worse, you begin to slight me, or else some expedient might have been found to have deceived him: I shall say no more at present, referring the rest of my Complaints till I see you, which happy minute I beseech you hasten, or else you will very much afflict

Your constant Friend,

S. N.

When I had read the Letter, I was almost as much to seek as I was before, because it was directed to one who was a Servant to the Mercer, but upon second thoughts I concluded, that although it was directed to the Maid, yet it might be intended to the Mistress, as indeed it was; I having read the Letter, melted some wax and sealed it again, the impression of the old Seal remaining as fair as formerly. My Boy who brought it me, asked if he should carry it again; I first, before I answered him, enquired of him how he came by it? he told me thus, that the other boy told him he had Letters to carry for his Master; and therefore, said he if you will go to the River and wash, I have, said he a good excuse; I (said my boy) told him that I would go with him if he would go strait, then to the River; he replyed, he was commanded to carry the Letter first, but I perswaded him to go first to the River, to the end that I might serve you in what you commanded, and therefore being come to the water, I did not make so much hast as he, but let him go to in, so soon as he was in the water, I searching his pockets, and finding this Letter came with all speed and told the other boys that were there, that I would go in at a place a little further, and swim down to them; and so, Sir, said he to me, I made all possible haste, and have here brought the Letter; I having heard his Tale, commanded him to run with all expedition, and put the Letter into the boyes pocket, he did so, and was not at all discovered, or suspected. I having thus gained some knowledge in my friends amours and being desirous to discover more, walked out to the Street where the Mercer dwelt, where I saw both man and wife in the Shop, there was much disparity in their years, for he seemed to be seventy, and she not above twenty four, I presently guessed that this must be she, and therefore pretending to buy, I went into the Shop, where I was shewed several Stuffs by her, he sitting at the further end of the shop coughing by himself; she had such a winning way in perswading me to the goodness and cheapness of the Stuff, that although I had no intention to buy, yet I laid out some money with her, she was perfectly handsome, and it had been great pity if she had onely been tyed to that old Carcass, but I knew that she had a friend who could do her business for her, and all that I then wished, was that I might be in his place, and take his turn; and this I was resolved to do, or stretch my wit on the tenters of invention.

The next day my Boy brought me another Letter, which was from my Companions Unkle, and I having opened that as I had done the former, found that his Unkle was sick, but however intended to be in Paris in few days, and then he would supply him with the money he desired; I closed the Letter again, and the boy conveyed it to the place where he had it, viz. the other boys pocket, who gave it to his Master two hours after when he returned home, being for the present gone out; by this Letter I understood that he had his maintenance from his Unkle, and that he had lately written for some, and that this was the answer: I took exact notice[notice] of his Unkles name, and writ it down in my Table book; I being desirous to discover from himself what I partly knew already, to that end I walked out with him, and engaged him to go into that Street where the Mercer dwelt, but although we did so, and I then curiously observed him, yet he did not so much as cast an eye into the Shop, although the Woman and her Husband were both there, but I remember turning down by that Shop into a blind Lane, he looked towards a back-door, which I then perceived was belonging to that house, and which I guessed might be the way whereby he went to his Mistress.

I having made all these inspections into the matter in hand, was resolved to make some further use of my experience. When about ten days after my boy came sweating to me, and told me that he had gotten another Letter, which the other boy received in his Masters absence, who would not be back in two hours, but then he must deliver it to him; who brought it? said I, a Porter: said the Boy; I hearing this had a mind to have delivered it back again without opening, because I did suppose it came only from his Unkle, or some other Friend, about some ordinary affairs, not judging that a Letter of Love would be sent by an ordinary Porter; I was in this determination, which had I followed I should have thought my self very unfortunate, but a curiosity possessing me, I resolved to see the Contents, wherefore using my former way of heating my Knife, I opened the Letter and therein found these Lines:

My dear Friend,

I hope at your last visit I gave you satisfaction in every thing, especially why I had not seen you for fourteen days before, I must confess it was a long time of absence and you may assure your self that I thought it so as well as you, I also hope that you have no suspition of my constancy, and that you may assure your self of my love to you, I have provided the hundred Crowns you desired, if you come on Thursday night about eleven of the Clock to our Back door, our trusty Servant will let you in, and conduct you to a Chamber, where I will attend you, but I must engage you not to speak to me, for I am in great fear of your being over-heard, by my Husbands Kinswoman, who lies the next wall to me, and is very curious over me; follow these directions and you shall engage,

Your constant Friend,

M. L.

How much was I surpriz’d in the reading of this Letter, you may easily judge, but you may be sure I was resolved not to part from it, but now I concluded I might put my Design in practice; I had not long consulted with my self what to do, but I had resolved my self in all doubts and scruples; and therefore taking Pen, Ink and Paper, I writ this following Letter:

Sir,

Your Unkle, according to his intentions of coming to Paris, was come so far as my house, but was there taken so sick, that he could not, neither is he able at present to proceed in his Journey, and doubting that he will be worse, hath ordered me to send to you that you may be acquainted with it, and withal, that you may come to him, he not being able to come to you, therefore expects you here with all the expedition you can make, this is all at present from

Your loving Friend,

though unknown,

L. T.

This Letter being thus written, I dated it two days before, and subscribed it from an Inn in a Town forty miles off from Paris, it was directed to him in the usual manner and form; and so having seal’d it, I gave it my Boy, who soon conveyed it to the place where he had the other. And that my Project might take effect, I went immediately to find him out, resolving to keep him continually in my sight, and oversee all his Actions, from the time he should receive his Letter, till I should see him on Horseback, on his Journey. I soon found him out, and went home with him, where the Boy gave him the Letter, he opened it, and retired, I gave him the conveniency of reading it, which he soon did, and coming up to me, told me that he had hasty News; is it private? replyed I; no, said he, but I think I must leave your company for a few days; when, said I? To morrow morning, said he; that is much! replyed I, sure it is hasty News indeed, if you must be gone so soon; yes truly, said he, you may see the Letter, and then you may judge of the matter; hereupon he delivered me the Letter, which I having read over, told him that indeed if this Unkle, who was sick, was as nearly allied to him in friendship, as he was in consanguinity, that then it was necessary he should suddenly obey his orders. He is, replyed he, not only my Unkle, but my Father, For I never knew no other Father I had, for my Father his Brother died, when I was but six months old, and left me and my Estate to his disposing; neither continued he, hath he any Child or Relation nearer than I am; I told him that if it were so, I would advise him not to let any time slip, but to take Horse and be gon that night; he was unwilling so to do, for, said he, I have another affair to dispatch that is of considerable consequence. I supposing it was his Love business, and being resolv’d to bear him off from all proceeding therein at the present, fearing lest he should send some Letter, and so my design would be frustrate; I therefore said, that nothing whatever should hinder me from present going, if I were in his condition, and if he would communicate his other affairs to me, I would act for him all I could to my power; he answered me that the affairs he meant were of such a quality, that none but himself could dispatch; I replyed that I then supposed they might be of some Love-concern, to this he only laughed, and finding that he had a great inclination to do somewhat in that nature that might spoil my design; I therefore used so many arguments with him to cause him to begin his Journey, that I saw him that Evening on horseback, with a resolution to ride twenty miles onwards of his Journey that night, that so he might reach the end of it the next day betimes.

And now I having dispatch’d him out of the way, did not question but I might accomplish my design as I had determin’d. It was but then but Tuesday night, and the time appointed by the Letter was Thursday night, so that till then I waited with some impatience, but the hour being come, I went to the Place, which was the Back-door, which I had formerly taken notice of. I was so desirous of finishing the Adventure I was about, that I had made more haste than ordinary, and being come somewhat before the precise time, I was forced to wait, not daring to knock lest I should offend. But long I had not staid, before an adjoyning Clock struck eleven, and within less than a minute afterwards the door opened, and a Female looking out, and seeing me walk, beckoned me to come on; I did so, and without one words speaking, entred the house, and following my Conductress close at the heels, went up stairs, and coming to a Chamber-door, she only said, now Sir, you may enter there to your and my Mistress, and stay till I come and call you, which will be about two hours hence, but I pray be sure you talk not, lest that discover you; I listened attentively to what was told me, and promising obedience only by a Bow which I made, the Servant left me, and I entred the Chamber; although there was no Candle, yet I could see where the Bed stood, and going thither I saw my Mistress whom I saluted, and then retiring pul’d off my Clothes and leap’d into Bed to her, I lay down by her, and during the two hours time I staid, you may be sure I was not idle, I made no noise by speaking, knowing that it might be of dangerous consequence in a double manner; and the two hours being come, our attendant came and told me it was time to rise. I though unwilling enough did so, and putting on my Clothes was soon dress’d, and coming once more to kiss my Mistress, she told me softly that in the window in a Purse was the hundred Crowns she promis’d, I making her a profound Reverence, and kissing her hand, went thither, and finding the Purse, put it into my pocket, and the Maid hastning me, I departed, when she came to the Back-door, she told me that e’re many days, she would find a way how I might enjoy my Mistress with more freedom; I pulling a Crown out of my pocket, put it into her hand, and bade her goodnight: And thus, said the young Gentleman, did I obtain my Ends upon this Gentlewoman; and (said he) I being now entred was resolved to proceed, and therefore the next day went again by the door, and seeing none but her self in the Shop, I entred, and desired to see silk enough for a New Suit; she shew’d it me, and I soon agreed on the price, giving her own demands, but when I came to pay, and drew out the purse she had given me, which was a very remarkable one; she looked very wishfully on it; Nay Madam said I, it is the same I receiv’d of you last night; how! replied she, am I betraid then? No dear Madam, said I, there is no Treachery in the Case, onely the excess of my love to you, made me run a great hazard; I hope, Sir, replyed she, you are not guilty of any murder of my former friend: no Madam, (said I) I have only by a piece of Wit remov’d him at present; well, Sir, (replied she) you seem to be a Gentleman of that temper that you will not wrong a Woman, I have not time or opportunity to discourse you at large, but that I might engage you to secrecy, I not only freely give you the money you have in possession, but also I desire you to accept this Stuff you intended to buy, and I pray with your first conveniency let me have an Account of this strange Adventure; I had hardly time to answer her (You shall Madam) but her Husbands Kinswoman came near us, all that I could do was to deliver the parcel to my Boy, and making the ordinary Reverence, I departed.

CHAP. IV.

Mistress Dorothy finishes the Story of the Gentleman-Soldier and Mercers Wife; who being returned to England, renews his Suit to his old Mistress, though married to another, whose weakness made the match unsuitable, whose Estate depending on an Heir, and this Husband uncapable of getting one, gave the Gentleman that opportunity whereby he at once had a Wife, an Heir, and an Estate.

Thus (continued the young Gentleman) did I initiate my acquaintance with this woman, which is one of the best and pleasantest Adventures of my life, and indeed, said he, I have no cause to complain of women, for that Sex hitherto hath been very lucky to me, as you may guess by my Story of the Courtezan, whose Cabinet and other things I conveyed away; and now by this second French adventure I was likely to gain more, and that more honourably than by the other. But, continued he, in six days after my Companion returned from his Journey; I asked him if we must not all have Stables; Why? said he; because, replied I, I suppose that your Unkle is dead, and hath left you all he hath: No such matter, replied he, but I could wish that he were hang’d that writ the Letter; why? said I, I think it was very carefully done, of him, and that he deserved not only thanks, but a Reward; I should reward him if I knew who he was, said he: Why, cannot you find him? said I; No, nor no body else, said he, there is no such sign nor no such man, living in or near that Town, nor in all that Countrey, that I could hear of; but I hope (said I) there was and is such an Unkle; yes, reply’d he, and Heavens be praised, in health too, but I was forc’d to go further a field to find him, for after I had spent a whole day in fruitless search for the Host, who sent the Letter, and could not hear of any Tale nor Tidings of him, I being within thirty miles of my Unkles habitation, thought it very proper to ride on thither, and so I did, but when I came I found him well and lusty, I shewed him the Letter, and thereby he knew the occasion of my Journey, but he knew not who writ it, and he and I both concluded it was a trick put upon me, however we were joyful to see one another well, and he intended to take a journey to Paris in few days, to order me some moneys, but since I was come my self, he resolved to desist from that Journey, and give me Bills of Exchange, fain he would have engaged me to have staid there for some days longer, but telling him I had affairs of consequence to dispatch at Paris, that required my presence, he gave me leave to depart; and so, said he, with all possible expedition I am returned: and you are very welcome (replyed I) but this was a very strange adventure of the Letter, and I cannot tell to what purpose, nor I neither said he, but I hope to find it out, for I preserve the Letter carefully. I gave him the hearing, and now knowing his thoughts, I believed my self obliged to mind his Actions; as for the Letter he had, and his Design of finding out the Writer of the Letter by the hand, I knew he could not, for although I writ it, yet it was in such a hand as I never writ before, and which I then writ on purpose not to be discovered by it, if he should be acquainted with my hand, as hitherto he was not, wherefore I car’d not for that, but my chiefest care was in charging my Boy to watch his, and knowing that he would suddenly write a Letter to send to his Mistress, I commanded him to use all possible diligence to get it into his Custody, and bring it to me, as being a matter of very great consequence.

My Boy followed my directions so carefully, that he attained his ends, but with much difficulty, for no sooner was my friend parted from me, but he writ a Letter to his Mistris, and giving it to the Boy, charged him immediately to carry it: My Boy who waited all his motions, seeing him running with a Letter in his hand, asked him what haste? great haste, said the Boy, and would have proceeded, but my boy caught hold on him, and said, how now, what is your haste so great that you cannot spare time to drink with your friends? time enough for that anon, said the Boy, and would have proceeded; but my Boy knowing how strictly I had charged him about this Letter, was resolv’d by Hook or by Crook to be Master of it, and therefore told him, that although he had not been so civil as to give him his Foy when he went out (for he had been the Journey with his Master) yet he would now give him his Welcome home. The other understanding there was drink in the case, and that of free-cost, went in with him to the next Drinking house, and my boy knowing what a work he had in hand, calling for a quart of Wine, desired a Room above stairs, so that up they went, and my Boy intending to fuddle the other, cheated him in his drink, for after two or three Glasses were off, and the other boy began to be merry, my Boy drank water, and the other wine, so that in short time he was knock’d down, and fell asleep; and it was not long e’re he took the Letter out of his pocket, and that he might make all sure, he lock’d the Chamber door, bringing the Key with him, and thus he securing the Letter, and boy both; came to me, and brought me the Letter, which I immediately opened, and read these words:

Madam,

Ever since that fortunate Minute wherein I first had the happiness to be acquainted with you, my stars I thank them have been very propitious to me; and Dame Fortune (how unconstant soever she hath been to others) hath yet been to me very favourable, so that till within these few days I could boast that no malevolent Planet hath had any malign influence in my ascendant; I thought and hoped I should have lived and died in this opinion; but I now have cause enough to change my mind, for I have lately had such a cross adventure, that I yet know not what to think of it, but if all be right and well with you, I then bid defiance to fortune; Madam, I am very unquiet and much puzzeld, so that I know not how to begin, nor well know what to say to you, but hoping you will pardon this impertinence, and attribute it to my perplexity; I shall thus plainly begin with you, and this it is: Madam, about ten days since when I last was with you, among other Requests I desired a hundred Crowns of you for a present use, till my Vnkle whom I every day expected should come to Town; in regard you never refused me anything, I did not doubt of that, and therefore expected to hear from you accordingly, but just at that time when I expected a Letter from you, I received one from my Vnkle, as I thought, whereby, as that Letter inform’d me, I thought it absolutely necessary to leave Paris, and go to him forty miles, to a Town where he lay sick, I was perswaded to be gone immediately, and indeed over-rul’d by an intimate friend, and one that I have so great a respect for, that I had no reason to suspect, and what he urged being as I thought reasonable: I soon mounted on Horse-back, and departed, I must beg your pardon that I did not acquaint you with this sudden remove, but it was impossible to do it without suspition of my Friend from whom I have hitherto conceal’d our amours, as I have done from all the world besides.

This Letter which I received, I found was but forged, and written on purpose to cause me to leave the City, but if in my absence I have not received some prejudice in your opinion, I account all the rest of my trouble and vexation as nothing, wherefore I pray Madam, let me know in what condition I am with you, and whether you know any thing, and what you do know of this Adventure, and I shall always remain

Your constant Friend

S. N.

When I had read this Letter, I found that half my work was done to my hand, for I was resolved to write to this woman, and now having a fit opportunity I writ as followeth.

Madam,

Some months ago I had occasion to lay out some money in some Stuff, and my good fortune guiding me to your Shop, I there not only saw, but pitied you, for that I saw you were wedded to one more fit to be your Father than Husband; that pity begot love, and that so violent, that I knew not how to suppress it, I thought it might be possible to be favourably receiv’d by you, but knew not how to make my Addresses to you, lest your honour should be brought in question, I therefore waited all opportunities, and at length found one, the most lucky that could befal; for my friend Mounsieur N. being absent and a Letter of yours coming into my hands, I had a great curiosity to see it, doubting that it was, what indeed I found it to be, a Letter of Love; but when I found that it was from you, and that thereby was a particular appointment for him to come to you; I was mightily pleas’d, and you may judge the great satisfaction I receiv’d. My love towards you being so violent, I was resolv’d to hazard my friendship to him, and rather than fail, be a Traitor; and indeed, what would I not have done, to have had the happiness of enjoying you? Therefore Madam, knowing his absence would be absolutely necessary, it was I that fram’d that Letter which caused his Journey, and thereby I had the happiness in his stead to be well used by you and now Madam, you may unfold the Riddle, but I hope you are so discreet as to conceal the truth of this Adventure, which were it discovered, would be of dangerous consequence, not only to us both, but also to your own Reputation; I judge you will conceal it, and hope you will give me other opportunities of waiting on you, when I shall acquaint you particularly how I came by that Letter and this; Thus hoping that I may enjoy the second place if not the first in your esteem, I rest

Your most ardently affectionate Friend, M. G.

This Letter being written, I enclosed it in the other, and gave it my Boy, who ran immediately to the house, where he left his drunken Companion, and opening the door, he made so much noise as awaked him, wherefore my Boy seeing him ready to rise, ran to him, and insensibly convey’d the Letter into his pocket.

The Boy being now pretty sober, remembred the Errant he was sent about, and doubting he should be chid would needs depart about it; my Boy permitted him so to do, and so came home to me.

And thus Mistress Dorothy (said he to me) did I discover the whole intreague of this business to my Mistress, and she soon after sent a Letter to me, and another to my Friend, wherein she manag’d the Concern so tenderly and so handsomely, that she satisfied him and me both, and I having a Summons from her, waited on her three miles out of the Town, where I acquainted her with all that she was ignorant of, and I pressed her so with my affection, that she accepted me, and I think in time I had the first place in her affection: and thus said he, did I live the pleasantest life in the world, all the time that I staid in Paris; and now I hope, said he, I have satisfied you with my amours, which hitherto had been very fortunate, and I thank my Stars, Venus hath been ever my Friend, or else I had not had the happiness of your acquaintance, and thus did he fully finish his discourse.

And now, said Mistress Dorothy, I have related all that I think is convenient and necessary about my Gentleman Soldier, and therefore I shall conclude that Story; No, said I, I have some questions to ask you, which I desire to be satisfied in, and which I believe will engage you in a little further discourse: That which I am first to desire of you is, that since you have entertained us so largely, and indeed pleasantly, with the adventures of the Gentleman Soldier, that you would tell us what became of him, and what more you know of him? for, continued I, I am perswaded that all you can say of him is so considerable, that it is worth our hearing, and your recital. Truly, replyed Mistress Dorothy, I have indeed somewhat more to say of him, which may be as pleasant as the rest, but his Stories being only things by the by, and which do not at all concern you, and me very little, I thought what hath been said already is enough, but if you will needs hear me proceed further, I will not refuse you the satisfaction you desire.

I have already, told you of his two French Adventures, neither did he tell me of any thing more that befel him in France which was considerable; but he having quitted that Countrey, and being come to England, it was not long e’re I came acquainted with him, and our acquaintance proceeding to a familiarity, he not only related to me all those adventures I have already recited, but he also told me the condition and state of his affairs at present: He told me that he left England upon a discontent, for he having been in love with a young Gentlewoman, one of his own age and Quality, and that so long and effectually, that he had won her to consent to marriage, provided her Parents did so: but when they came acquainted with his pretentions, they absolutely refus’d it, for no other reason, but that his estate did not equal hers, for she was the only Child of her Parents, who were very rich, and he although he was equal to her in birth, yet in Estate he came far short, as being a younger Brother, and having but a small allowance or patrimony, nor indeed was there much probability of any increase or addition to his Estate: This was the Consideration why he was refused, and therefore having again tryed his Ladies mind, who although she loved him well, yet was resolved in her marriage to be wholly guided by her Friends, and finding himself frustrated in his hopes, and expectations, he therefore became melancholly and discontent, so that to throw off that indisposition which this had caused, he resolved for Travel, and thereupon to France he went, where as I have told you, Venus made him some amends for the dissatisfaction he had had in England, but in time he being weary of that place, and returning home, he found his Mistress married to another, who had been more fit for a winding-sheet than so young and fair a Bride, for although he who had married her was not very old, yet he was in a deep Consumption, and thereby wholly incapacitated to please a Lady. That which made her Friends impose this Choice upon her, was his great wealth: In this condition he found her at his return, and considering the Condition she was in, he had some hopes one day of enjoying her, either as a Wife or Mistress; to this end he made some Addresses to her, but they being taken notice of by her Parents, but more especially by her Husband, she was forced to command him to forbear any more visits; with much unwillingness he did obey her, but it was but for a while, for he getting acquainted with her Chamber-maid, who was flexible enough, or easie to be made so by Gifts or Presents he bestowed on her at present, and large promises of what he would do for the future, so that in short time he won her to be at his dispose, and to betray her Masters secrets. Whereupon, when her Master was absent, she presently gave him notice of it, and perswaded her Mistress to walk abroad to such places where he was sure to meet her. She like a Woman of much vertue and constancy, for a large time held out, and would not so much as entertain any conversation with him, but in the end by his humble and amorous Letters and fervent Protestations of a vertuous love, promising her that he designed nothing against her virtue, and since he could not enjoy her Love, that he might have the first place in her esteem; she at length consented to treat with him, and now he being admitted to treat, by degrees insinuated his old love and great misfortune, he let her know his great constancy, which as it had, so it should continue with him till death, these discourses and other arguments which he us’d, were as the Bellows to blow up a flame out of the very ashes where it had long lain, so that as she could not deny but that she had formerly loved him, and that most tenderly, so she could have done so still, had she not been married, but being married, she told him she must banish all thoughts of former love: but as he had now brought her to confess a former love, so he left not off there, but by degrees perswaded her to a new friendship, not a new one, but a renewing of the old; and as friendship had been the first step to their former love, so it was now, and she in a short time confessed that as she had, so she still did love him: in fine he brought her to this pass, that she confessed she lov’d him as well as ever, and were she free to choose a Husband, she would chuse him before all the World; he having gain’d thus much upon her, by degrees proceeded further, and he promising to remain always unmarry’d, in expectation of that time, that she might be free to marry; she promised him that if ever that time came, that she would certainly marry him before all the persons in the world. At this point they continued for some moneths, and her Husbands Consumptive-distemper encreasing, there was great hopes that in short time it would send him to the other world, where he was wished to be with all earnestness. As their converse continued, so their love encreased, and he became impatient of delays, and was so bold as to desire of her the only thing she had refus’d him, but very angry she was when he first made the proposition; wherefore he was forced to forbear any further discourse of that nature, but her Husbands lingring Distemper continuing, our Lover was out of all patience, and therefore he was once again resolved to propound that to her, without the enjoyment of which, he could not be happy nor quiet, wherefore being resolv’d what to do, he was now to think how to do it, and believing that if he should begin any discourse upon a subject which she hitherto had wholly dislik’d, he should be interrupted and not heard out, and it may be she would proceed into some violent language against him, wherefore he was resolv’d to communicate his thoughts to her in writing, and there he intended to be very plain with her, whereupon he writ, and sent her this Letter.

Madam,

It is now some years since I first began to affect you, and that affection in time became so violent, that I was forc’d to discover it to you, you did not at all dislike it at first, for in little time found a tender esteem from you, which by my constancy, and perseverance was so encreas’d, that I perceiv’d you did also love me, neither were you asham’d to own the affection you had for me, but made me protestations of a love that should be lasting, and there was nothing wanting, as we thought to make us both happy, but the consent of your Parents: but that not being gained, I preferr’d your interest and quiet before my own, and not being able to live near you, and not see and love you, which by the inhumanity of your friends I was forbidden to do, I entred into a voluntary banishment, and leaving all the enjoyments and pleasures of my own Countrey, went into another, hoping in time that fortune who had been so cross to me might be more favourable, but although I staid some time in Forreign parts, and at my return heard of my misfortune, and indeed your as unfortunate marriage, yet time had not banished you out of my thoughts, I still had you perfectly in remembrance, and found that my love to you was so far from being extinguished, that it was then ready to burst out into a new flame. The obstacle of your being married and thereby of the impossibility of my attaining my ends, did not hinder me from endeavouring it, and I did so constantly persevere in my endeavours, that I brought you not only to a mute compliance, but by degrees I brought you to acknowlege that you still loved me, and that if you were ever free to chuse, I should be the happy man whom you would have for a Husband, the constancy of my affection hath wrought this miracle, but I cannot perswade you to proceed further, and this at present is the state of the matter between us. Now Madam, having done all this, I am perswaded you may yield to what I further desire of you: I know the strictness of your Virtue absolutely forbids you any thoughts, but I pray let me be plain with you, and pardon these expressions which I shall use to you, although you may judge them immodest: Madam, you have promised to make me your Husband when it is in your power, and I believe it is in your thoughts that one day you may do it, for he who is your present Husband, appears to me and all the world to be half dead already; He being in this condition, why will you not permit me to reap the fruits of a long affection? but anticipating that happy time that I hope must and will come: and Madam, besides these Reasons, I believe and hope it will be for your profit, for I understand the Condition of your marriage runs thus, that if he dies without Issue by you, then his Estate returns to his next Heir, and thereby you will be never the better for your marriage, and all this time you have spent with him, is time ill spent and lost; but if you will permit me, I hope to prevent the losing of the Estate, for I question not but there is so great a harmony in our affections, that a Child will proceed from us, and when you lose your Husband, you will not lose your Estate. This Madam, is good policy, and although in the strictness of your virtue you may not entertain any such thoughts, yet I am confident you may live to repent the not doing it, Therefore hoping that these reasons will be sufficient to over-rule you and that I offer this as much for your content as my own, I ever rest,

Your constant Lover, M. G.

CHAP. V.

Mistress Dorothy having finished this last Story, relates how a woman by her own confession, at her Husbands death discovered the common inconstancy of the Sex, and her disloyalty to her Husband, by being provided before hand.

This (continued Mistress Dorothy) was the Letter that our Lover sent to his Mistress, whose chast thoughts engag’d her in a great anger against him, but whether it were real or feign’d you may judge by the sequel, for it was not long er’e he was admitted into her favour, and then having the liberty of converse, and being resolv’d to prosecute his intentions, he so backed his Letters with arguments, that caused her to give a mute compliance, and silence, being the best token of consent, he by that gathered that she did yield, wherefore he again engaging the Chamber-maid in his Designs, and acquainting her that her Mistress had yielded to him in every particular but enjoyment, neither did she refuse him that, he desired her to stand his Friend so far, as to be instrumental in giving him the opportunity to come to her Bed side when she lay alone, as it was usual with her to do; The Chamber-maid believing that she should not anger her Mistress, and oblige her Friend, and being willing to further and not hinder any sport, was not long e’re she gave our Lover his desir’d satisfaction; for she bringing him to the Chamber when her Mistress was in Bed, there left him. He who was not ignorant how to deal with a Lady soon over-rul’d her, and she seeing it was to no purpose to resist, with a kind of willing unwillingness permitted him to come to Bed to her; what they did you may judge by the event, for in convenient time she discovered her self to be with Child, she frequently lying with her husband also; and being with Child her Husband was an overjoy’d man, and did hope, that as he concluded himself able to get a Child, so he might in time be restored to his former health: Our Lovers though they often met, yet they used all wariness and circumspection, and our Gallant to take off the opinion of his still courting his old Mistress, began a Courtship with a new one, or at least pretended so to do, and thus the time was spent till such time as her time came to be delivered of a Child, which proving to be a brave lusty Boy, gave great joy to all parties, especially to the supposed Father, who was much joyed that he had so hopeful an Heir to enjoy his Estate, and his Wife being again strong, and having layn in her full time, he again accompanied her; but in short time after he piqu’d off, and as he had deceived his wife in his life time, so now in his death he cheated the very worms, for they expecting a full body, found nothing but a meer Skelleton to feed on, you may be sure our Lover was joyful enough at the so long wished for, and now happy News of the death of his Rival, neither was his wife much discontented, although by her outward deportment she made the world believe that she was a most disconsolate widow, and she was so reserv’d that for some time she kept her Chamber, and much longer kept within doors, not visiting any body, nor permitting any body to visit her but her Parents, and those who were nearest related to her Husband. However she and her intended Husband held a Correspondency, but it was but with Letters, which were interchanged by her Chamber-maids assistance; In time all these mourning Solemnities were over, and she appear’d abroad again as resplendent as the Sun, and the fame of her plentiful Estate, great vertue, and charming beauty, drew to her many Adorers, whose business was Sirreverence, Love; she who was resolv’d what Instrument she would play on, and what Pipe should make her musick for the future, gave them all the hearing, but was absolute in her answers.

Her Parents seeing she had so many Suiters, desired her to make choice of one of them, and again engage her self in a matrimonial Life, she replyed, that in time she might again be perswaded to do so, but when ever she gave her consent to alter her condition, she intended to be more curious than she had been, and to have more freedom in her choice; They replyed, that indeed they had in a manner impos’d the former Match upon her, which had been fortunate enough, but however, when she had a mind to alter her condition, she should have all possible freedom in her Choice. She being thus left to her own dispose, in short time permitted her old Sweet-heart to make one in the number of her Suiters, what he wanted of Means to carry on his business the more splendidly withal, she supplied him, so that for Gallantry and good Mien, he outdid all her other Suiters, and being confident of Success in his undertaking, he baffl’d them all, who were a Company of whining obsequious Lovers, so that at his appearance in full lustre, they like stars at the day and Suns approach, shrink back, and disapear’d; leaving him to Rule, and Reign Soveraign in that heart where he already had full possession, and now she being absolutely at her own dispose, she told the world that she thought she was obliged to reward his great constancy, by permitting him to be what he had so long desired to be, her Husband: and therefore he was married to her; and now both their joyes, were compleated, and they both thought themselves fully recompenced, for their many troubles and so long stay, especially when they considered how much better their condition was now than it would have been had they been married at such time as they both at first desired; for although he concluded that his Predecessor had possest her, yet it had cost him dear, for his Estate was all given in Exchange, and now lawfully invested and settled on a Child, who although he and all the world believed to be his lawful Heir, yet they knew the contrary, and our Lover was Father of a Son and Heir the first day of his marriage, and which was the greatest Paradox, such a Child as he did conclude was of his own begetting; and now she did not (I suppose) repent of the counsel he had given her, and which they together had put in practice, to the great satisfaction of them both; These Considerations (said Mistress Dorothy) I think were very considerable, and conduced much to their satisfaction, and now, said she, I think you can expect no more relations of this nature, for in this condition I left our two Lovers, and here I shall put an end to all that I know of his Adventures.

I seeing that Mistress Dorothy had done, and finding that she had fully finished her discourse, told her that I wish’d all true Lovers, no worse a conclusion of their amours than these two had; but, continued I it was well that they managed their affairs so privately, that neither her Parents nor Friends had any suspition of him, for if they had, it might have fallen out worse with them, and this our recital puts me in mind of a small story that I have heard, which in regard it somewhat resembles yours I shall presently relate to you, and thus it was:

A young-woman had (by the over-ruling and perswasions of friends) permitted her self to be married to an old man, who lived some years with her, but she was soon weary of his Company, and being free in her converse and carriage, gave opportunity to several young men to court her, her Husband saw it, but without any possibility of redressing the same, for he being old and feeble, and she young, obstinate, and wilful, did rule the Roast her self, and so disturb’d and vex’d him, that it shortned his days. When he was on his Death-Bed, and believed he should die, he like a good Christian was resolv’d to be in Charity with all the world, but his wife had so cross’d and affronted him, that she who of all the world he should be most in charity with, was most out of his books, and he was resolv’d to put her out of his Will too as much as he could, she believing that he would die indeed, and that it might be to her prejudice if he should die in the minde he was then in, was resolved if possible to put him into a better mind, and therefore she attended, pleased, and humored him, in every thing that it was possible to do; he seeing so great a change in her carriage, changed his mind also, and being now very weak, and just at deaths door, made his Will, and in good and orderly manner named her his loving Wife, and making her full and sole Executrix of that his last Will and Testament, gave her all he had, and now having seal’d his Will and given it into her custody, he would also give her his blessing, and told he was in full and absolute Charity with her and all the world, only he desired one request of her, which he praid her to grant him, and not be angry at the proposition he should make her; she promis’d him attention and obedience, and thereupon he thus began:

Although you have of late given me some Testimonies of your love and obedience, and thereby won me to a good opinion of you, yet know, till that of late I had an ill opinion of you, and that not without cause, especially to the outward appearance, and indeed I must needs tell you, I was troubled with that disease which the world calls jealousie, but your late good carriage hath cur’d me of that distemper, and now I am dying, I give you free leave to marry, and conjure you so to do with all decent conveniency; but above all things, I only beg you not to be married to F. K. who of all your Company-keepers I had most suspition of, and therefore have most cause to hate.

This is that which I desire of you, and which I hope you will as you have promis’d me obey me, in: The good woman seeing that her Husband had finished his discourse, thus replied;

Truly Husband you may, and I hope will rest satisfied that I will obey you, when I shall tell you that I must not, will not, nor cannot be married to the man you name; for I’le assure you I am so far from doing so, that I am already determined to have another, and indeed, to satisfie you farther, I’le assure you the Contract for marriage is already drawn and passed between us, and nothing is wanting to finish it but your death, and the Ceremony of the Church. The poor old man hearing her give this answer, was so troubled at the thought of it, that being almost dead already, this quite kill’d him, whereby she had the means to put her Design in Execution.

Thus said I, have I finished my discourse, and as it much resembles your Story, so I believe your Lady was of the same mind as my woman, although she had so much discretion as to conceal it from all the world; but, continued I, your story is very pleasant, it being such an expedient to get an Heir, and thereby get an Estate, as I have not heard of, and indeed the young Gentleman did deserve to have somewhat considerable for the use of his Lady; for I conclude her his ever since he had took the pains to court her and gain her affections, and promise of marriage, and although his Estate was not equal to hers, yet together their Estates would have been so considerable as might have afforded them a sufficient maintenance; but now it fell out better, she not being much damag’d, he much improv’d by travel, and their Estate now being a very plentiful one. Indeed I wonder why friends should hinder marriages when both parties are agreed, only for the deserts of a little money, when as let them do what they can if either party match otherwise, their lives are commonly miserable, and although Matches are upon that account sometimes obstructed, yet commonly in the end they take effect.

CHAP. VI.

A Widow that was wealthy resolv’d to marry none but such an one which should enlarge her Estate, under that Pretence she was cunningly out-witted by one dropping a Letter; she is married to one not worth a groat, instead of a Joynter he gives her a Copy of Verses. He afterwards grows jealous, the sad effects of Jealousie, and a strange Story thereupon.

I having finished my discourse, it was well approved of, but said Mistress Dorothy often-times the one party being covetous, and marrying only out of hopes of a good estate, is out-witted and deceived by the other, and since, said she, we are entred upon the discourse of marriage, I will give you an account of one who was over-reached in that manner.

There lived a woman of my acquaintance who having been once married, and her Husband dead, was resolved to have an other, but withal, she was resolved that she would have such an one that should enlarge her Estate, which although it was considerable enough, yet she intended now to have such a Husband as should bring an Estate equal to, if not exceeding her own. Her former marriage had been when she was very young, and then it was for love, and that Love being dead, she intended to bury all fond love with him, because she had bin so easily courted, and won by her first Husband, several others put in to be her second; but, as she said, having tryed the effects of love, and finding that it had been likely to have made her miserable, she purpos’d to have no more of that, but intended now to have such a man as she did not hate; one accomplish’d, and likely enough to do a womans business, but all this would not do unless he were rich; and being thus resolv’d, she turned off all Suiters that came to her, that she did not know were thus accomplished.

At length came a Gentleman that was a very likely man to the outward appearance, and he professed he had a hundred pounds per annum, and it may be more: Those friends that introduced him into her acquaintance, told her that he was a plain upright honest man, and that what ever he said or should say of himself she might believe, and withal that they knew that his Estate was worth three hundred pounds per annum, he having spoken so modestly of himself as a hundred pounds per annum and his and her friends telling her of three hundred per annum; she knew not what to think of it, or which to believe, sometimes she was of the opinion that he might have the three hundred pounds per annum her friends talked of, and only out of modesty, and to try her temper, spake but of one hundred pounds himself, because he intended after marriage to be the better esteem’d by her, because things proved better than she expected; and at other times she did not know but that he might be an Imposter, and it may be had little or nothing, and that all this was but a Trick to catch and over-reach her, wherefore she was resolv’d to proceed with all caution.

He being desirous to put an end to his courtship and finish all by matrimony, asked her when the day should be wherein they should be joyned? she told him that she was not in haste, and that it was fit before marriage, to make some provision and settlement of Estate, as that afterwards there might not be any cause to repent, and therefore if he would say, what part of his Estate he would settle and ensure on her, and conclude that, the marriage might soon be concluded on.

To this he presently answered, that his Estate was a hundred pounds per annum, and somewhat more, now he would put her to her choice, whether she would have the hundred pound per annum settled on her, or leave the business to his own free will and appointment, telling her that he questioned not but she would deserve well of him, and that then it would be to her advantage, not to have any certain Settlement.

To this proposition she knew not what to answer, but being covetous told him that she would for two or three days consider of it; he was content, and so they parted. The next day he took occasion to visit her again, and pulling somewhat hastily out of his pocket, he dropt a Letter which he did not miss, but going out of the Room left the letter behind him. This Lady seeing it fall, took it up, and seeing that by the Superscription it was directed to him, and being very desirous to know somewhat of his affairs, she was resolv’d to keep and peruse it: wherefore he soon after leaving the house, and she being retired, and having opened the Letter found these Lines:

Sir,

After due Respects to you, these are to acquaint you that although we have had the misfortune of your long absence, yet your affairs have hitherto fallen out fortunate enough, and are likely still to continue so, for of the last half years Rent due to you, I have gathered in two hundred pounds, which you know is the whole within a small matter, and there is three hundred pounds more fallen upon you by an accident which you may receive at your first arrival: for S. L. your old Tenant in your Copyhold and his Wife are both dead, and their Son hath offered two hundred pounds for a new Lease, renewed in his and his brothers Names, besides an addition of twenty pounds per annum Rent more than formerly, and a hundred pounds more is offered by Goodman L. to put in his Sons Life into his Lease, so that I am much importuned to dispatch them, If you please to perform these two Leases (as in my opinion you may) they are so desirous of their Bargains that they will pay down the money to me, and take my promise that you will at your return seal to them, so that if you please to accept it I will send up the whole sum, five hundred pounds together, it being more safe and profitable for you to dispose it at London than here.

And now having done with your business, I beseech you pardon me, if I desire to know whether, and how you proceed in your Love Sute, for the Widow R. who you had some affection for her, is desirous that you would renew your Suit, and she is in some better capacity as to her Estate than formerly, for an Unkle lately dead, hath left her five hundred pounds: but Sir, I knowing that you do not esteem money equal to affection must be silent, and leave all to your own discretion; Thus desiring your Worships Pardon for this boldness, I rest

Your Worships Servant

and Steward,

L. T.

Our covetous Widow having greedily read over this Letter, was hugely pleas’d with the Contents thereof, and hugg’d her self for the good Fortune she was likely to have; for now she resolved that her Sweet-heart had near five hundred pound per annum, besides five hundred pounds ready mony in his Purse that she knew of, but the latter end of the Letter did not at all please her, wherein the Steward was so bold as to put him in minde of his old Love, and she was very fearful that the five hundred pounds additional Estate that she had, might incline him to renew his Suit; wherefore all these matters being considered, she was resolv’d to delay or protract the business no longer, but upon his next desires of marriage, to accept of it, and that upon his own terms.

Wherefore two or three days being past over, wherein she had promis’d to consider of it, and he again desiring her Answer, and withal telling her that his occasions called him into the Countrey, she therefore tells him that she was so far perswaded of his Love and Honesty, that she was ready to be married to him so soon as he pleased, and that without any terms leaving it to his own disposing, not doubting but as she had generously cast herself upon him, so that he would be as generous in his providence for her; he replyed that she should command all he had, and then by her consent ordering the Wedding Solemnities, they were within three days married. She hoping that by her freeness with him, he would be civil to her, gave him the Keys, and thereby the possession of all her Money, Plate, and writings, and he taking so much as he had present occasion for, returned the Keys to her again.

And thus they strived to out-do one another in kindness; but some weeks being past, and he not at all speaking of his Countrey affairs, she put him in mind of them, telling him that it would be convenient for him to visit his house in the Countrey, and that if he pleas’d she would accompany him in the Countrey, and withal adding, that she hoped he would be as good as his word, and make her a considerable Joynture; he reply’d that she had so well pleas’d him, that he would make her a Joynture of all he had, she believing that it was as considerable as the Letter express’d, gave him many thanks; and thus he fed her with good words, but still delay’d his Journey, and put her off with some odd pretence or other, but she at last becoming importunate with him for her Joynture, he told her that he was so well skill’d in Law, that he would draw a Draught of it himself, and give it her to advise with her friends, she was now well enough content, only she still put him in mind of the Draught of the Joynture; he told her he was about it, and had almost finished it, and one day told her that now it was done, and that he also had occasion to take a Journey for three days, and in that time she might confer with her friends about the Draught he would leave her; she was very well content, and he taking money in his Pocket went his journey; when she taking the Paper he had left, and believing it to be the draught of her Joynture, went to some of her nearest Relations to confer with, and have their advice about it, but they opening the Paper, instead of the expected draught of a Joynture, they found these Lines:

Grave plodding Sirs, my Wife I’ve sent to you,

That you’le advise her what she’d had best to do;

She’s rich and so am I, beyond controul,

For I have Lordships boundless as my soul;

She’s vastly rich what need she covet more?

Yet gaining me, she’s richer than before;

I have no Lands, confest, but I have wit,

Make her such Joynture as you please of it:

I have good parts too, that she knows full well,

And may confess, if not asham’d to tell;

Both which she shall command nor will I be

Unkind to her that was thus kind to me;

What would she more? having enough of Pelf,

Sh’ hath all she could have, since she hath my self:

Dear-second-self, be not displeas’d, that I

Have fram’d a Letter to gain thee thereby:

Who would not rack his wits to spring a Myne

So rich? all other’s poor compar’d to thine;

Now here the Powers above henceforth decree,

That none may work within that Mine but me.

The Gentleman returning, found his wife in so pleasant and debonair a temper, that he thought she had complotted with her friends some satisfactory revenge that might be equivalent to the stratagems he had laid to gain a wealthy Widow, with the subtle pretences of a fair promising fortune. But having discourst her to every thing, and penetrating the very recesses of her heart, found she was more satisfied with his wit in this cunning contrivance, than if he had the real enjoyment of what he so largely pretended; and now she hugg’d his soul with much more ardency than her feeble hands could do his body: great was the satisfaction on both sides, but much greater was the Gentlewomans, finding an Husband answerable to her desires, beyond all expectations; neither was the Gentleman backward in making ample acknowledgements how happy he was in that his propitious stars had by their clear shining influence lighted him to so fair a wife, with so large a Fortune: The Friends and Relations of this joyful Bride were all very well-contented by being out-witted by a Gentleman every way compleat both as to Soul and Body, each wishing it had been their lucky hap to have had a Son in Law of so worthy a person.

For a considerable time they nothing but treated one another, which was done on all sides with so much Gallantry and generous freedom, as sufficiently demonstrated the greatness of the respects and friendship they had for one another. The new married Couple were like a pair of Turtles, always wooing and courting each other, with so much ardency and affection, that they were look’d upon by all, as the best Pattern of a kind Husband and a loving Wife. After this manner they lived some years, and obtained the fruit of all their enjoyments, by having several Children Males and Females: But as it is usually and philosophically said that what is violent is seldom permanent, so it prov’d true in our two Lovers; for though there was no similitude in the loves of others to theirs, yet length of time made their loves so dissimular to each other by an unhappy accident, that we have scarcely heard of an Example of the like kind, which produced a more dismal and lamentable Tragedy.

This Gentlewoman as I have informed you, was an extraordinary Beauty, very handsome, and of a winning carriage, very familiar where she observed any thing of merit or desert; only to be blamed for a small matter of Avarice, which had ever ran in the veins of her Ancestors; but principally to be admired for her modest deportment and chaste disposition. In her minority when the sweet Rose-bud, her virginity was scarce blown, she had a vast quantity of Suiters, which dayly sollicited her Parents to give their consent that they might address themselves to the Daughter by the way of marriage, some of the more wealthy sort were permitted, others for want of a Fortune suitable to hers, were denied, but she for her part lookt upon them all with so much indifferency, that she gave none an occasion to boast of her extraordinary favours.

Whilst her amorous Visitants were despairing by reason of her extream coldness, a young and sprightly Gentleman hearing of her incomparable beauty, and rare accomplishments crowded in among the rest of her Adorers, and at first sight concluded what he saw, to out-strip what ever he had taken upon report, and fell passionately in love with her, and having not other Rhetorique but his eyes, he employed them so effectually, that they spake more in his behalf, than if he had had the advantage of a score of eloquent tongues to have pleaded his Cause; the warming Rays of these two little glittering Orbs thaw’d her affection with as much facility as the melting Sun dissolves an hoary frost crisping the Pearly-dew’d grass in a May-morning. Thus at the first interview there was a reciprocal return of each others affections, but though there was a suitableness in their wills, yet there was a desparity in their Fortunes, which caused her friends to be utterly against any overture that should be made as to a Match with this young Gentleman and their Daughter, and lest there should be any private conference between them which might more strongly cement their affections, they resolved to prevent all things of that nature by sending her to a place not only remote, but altogether unknown to any but themselves.

What an heart-breaking this was to our two Lovers I will give you leave to imagine; for a time it was almost intolerable, but Absence the best remedy for a Love-sick heart cured her in some part; and hearing that her friend’s discontent had forced him to travel with a resolution never to return, (she being call’d home to her fathers house) was induced to permit the visits of her Amorists as before; and now seeing herself incapable of holding out longer, by reason of the perswasion of her Parents, and incessant importunities of her Lover, yields to him, and so they were married, with whom she lived very happily; but her Husband dying, she lived a while a widow, in hope to hear from her first Lover, which ever makes the deepest impression on the amorous heart, but being assur’d by several credible persons (as she thought) that he was dead, she bathing his memory with some tears, resolved when opportunity should fair and advantagiously offer it self, she would throw off her Widow-hood and re-assume her former condition. To this purpose several addressed themselves to her, but she being a politick and crafty woman, gave ear to them all, but gave credit to none. And indeed for my part I cannot but applaud her prudence in not too hastily marrying after the decease of her Husband, if it were for nothing else than the dayly treats a woman shall meet withal in that condition, if she be handsome; if wealthy, how will the presents come tumbling hourly into her lap? Not a beauty hunter in the Town but will endeavour to have a flurt at the Widow, and not a younger brother or decay’d Gallant but will try to sawder up his crack’d Fortunes, though he spend his whole Revenue on her, that is, either what he hath about him, or what he can borrow upon a thousand Oaths and Protestations. But to return where I left off, this Widow admitted several to caress her, whom she entertained handsomely befitting their quality; among the rest this last (indigent) Gentleman accosted her, the greatness of whose affections with the pretence of a great Estate, carried her from all the rest; happily they lived some considerable time, and longer they might have so done, had not this Gentlewomans first Lover returned, who did so upon no other account than that he heard his dearly beloved Mistress was in a condition to receive him into her bosom, and so make him amends for all the sorrow and trouble he had sustained for her sake: but finding his expectations frustrated, he behaved himself like a man distracted, especially when he had heard from her own mouth, had he been present, of all the men in the world she would have chosen him for her Husband. This indeared expression as it would at another time have transported him into an Extasie of Joy, so now it wrought contrary effects upon him, for to think by his rash and inconsiderate absenting himself he had lost that inestimate prize he might have enjoy’d by waiting near it with patience. His madness encreas’d to that height, he took his Bed and fell into a desperate Fever; his Mistress hearing in what a sad condition this poor Gentleman lay for her sake, could do no less than give him a visit to comfort him, and reduce him if it were possible to his former understanding, for he raved night and day, continually calling on her name, exclaiming against her cruelty, and I know not what.

The ravings of this Gentleman were bruited every where some pitying him, whilst they cunningly pryed into the cause of his distemper, and by reason he was a person well known to most of the inhabitants, old stories were rapt up, and all concluded the deplorableness of his present state proceeded from this Gentlewoman.

Her Husband was not so deaf, but that he heard all these mutterings, which extreamly disturb’d his spirits, insomuch that he now began to question in his thoughts his Wife’s fidelity to him, but exprest not his resentments in the least, resolving to see what the event of these things would be. The Gentlewoman on the other side fearing lest she should be the death of him she once loved equally with her own life, resolved to restore him if she could, and to that intent she judg’d the best expedient was to remove his despair, by giving him some hopes that he had a share in that heart still which was once totally his; which she did with so much assurance (though with no such intent) that he had not so lost his senses but that he understood what she said, and therefore begg’d a repetition of these words again, which she did so sweetly and with so much seeming reality, that this remedy had like to have proved his absolute ruine, for at this he cryed out as loud as his weakned spirits would give leave, O let me die! since none more happy now than I, and so fell into a swound; there were none in the Room but these two, but the Gentlewoman with her shrieks soon fill’d the Room, who assisted all to recal him, with much difficulty they did, and now their greatest care was to get him to sleep; he was now easily perswaded to any thing, to all their admirations, and so reposing him self that night, there was by the next morning wrought so wonderful a change that all his friends were amazed. This miraculous recovery plainly appeared to proceed from his Doctress for after this there was not a visit that she gave him, which did not sensibly amend him.

At length he was restored to his perfect health, and now did this Gentlewomans Husband fall sick of a worse distemper, the Plague of Jealousie, and raved as the other had done, but in a worse manner; for now he did not stick to call that wife (which he knew with all her Friends to be honest and virtuous) Whore, Strumpet, &c. It was to no purpose for her to justify her innocency, for he was so strongly possest with an opinion of her dishonesty, that he would not hear the least Plea in her behalf, but so enrag’d he was that nothing proceeded out of his mouth but vows to be revenged on his Wife and loose Associate; several attempts he made on them both, but ineffectual; insomuch that it was now high time for their friends to advise them not to come near him, till some means might be used to convince him of his misbelief, and to lay open the danger that would ensue should he persist in this misgrounded opinion.

This counsel was well receiv’d and followed, this Jealous Gentleman being thus deserted, and the Subjects of his revenge removed from him, ran up and down like a mad-man, but seeing at last this could not be the way to effect his purpose, desisted from raving, and seemed to hearken to the counsel of his friends who advised by all means to harbour no such unworthy thought of his wife, pawning their souls she was as honest as their own, with many more perswasions, which he hearkned to with great attention seemingly, and to be short, acknowledg’d his error; and if that they would be the instruments of bringing his wife to him again, he would on his knees beg her forgiveness, and the Gentleman whom he had wrong’d, they making him bind his promise with many Vows and Protestations, assured him they would use their utmost endeavour, in short time they prevailed with the Gentlewoman to return upon the Conditions aforesaid.

Coming home, this hypocritical jealous Devil prepared a sumptuous Dinner, and invited his supposed Rival, with many friends to rejoyce with him in this happy reconciliation between him and his wife, and in the mean time he applied himself to an Apothecary, an intimate friend of his, whom he thought wicked enough for his purpose, and one that he might confidently trust, telling him that his wife was a Whore, and that he knew the Rogue her lascivious Paramour; that he was a dead man if he was not revenged on them both by death, and for that purpose he must help him to a strong dose of poyson that shall dispatch them instantly; the Apothecary after some pauses, with the proviso of never being discovered, consented, and gave him something in a paper, which with much joy he received, and carried home with all expedition. By this time dinner was ready and serv’d up, the Guests seated, and he bidding them welcome with a chearful countenance, declar’d to the whole Company that he had highly wrong’d his wife, and that Gentleman pointing to him, that if they would forgive him, he would make them amends; they readily condescended to what he had propounded, and now nothing but a general jolity was observed throughout the Table, the Glasses went about merrily, there being all sorts of wine to excess; and now let me bring this feast to its Catastrophe. The Cloth being removed, and all prepared and ready for a Grace-cup, this graceless man, the Master of the Feast, call’d for a Bottle of Wine, in which before he had conveyed what he had received from the Apothecary, and filling out thereof in a large glass up to the brimm, drank an health to his wife, wishing they might never have more difference here, his Wife and all the Company gladly accepted the notion; he having drank it off filled to his wife, which she drank off to her former Lover, he receives it, and drank, as the other had done, to the next having so done, the Husband started up, saying, It was enough, it should go no further; every one admired at the humour, which he perceiving, said, you must think I love my wife and her friends better than so, than that they should drink what you do, they deserve to have something therein better than ordinary to end all differences on Earth, and make them Saints in Heaven, I love them not so ill as not to bear them company; Come, come to your prayers for a prosperous journey, our time is but short. Lord! what a confusion was all the room in, when they heard him speak after this manner, knowing now that he had perfected his revenge by poysoning them and himself too. Several were dispatcht instantly for Antidote to expel the poyson, whilst the poor Gentlewoman and her friend were on their knees offering up their last Petitions: having said some Prayers, Husband, said she, I forgive you with all my Soul, but know, I ever lov’d you too well to defile your Bed, and as these are (as I suppose) the last words I shall ever speak to you more, I am innocent as to what you unjustly suspect me with; and let me, said her friend, on the dying words of a sinful man protest, I never defiled your Bed, and do believe her from all others as chaste as the chastest Vestal-Virgin; whilst they were thus confessing, the Apothecary came in just as the Husband had kneeled to ask Heaven forgivenness for this triple murder. The Apothecary seeing them all in this posture, he broke out into a very extravagant laughter, which made the Husband turn about his head, who seeing the Apothecary, cryed out, Seize that Villain, it is he that hath help’d me to do this damn’d Act, it is he that hath furnished me with those hellish materials to murder the innocent; by this time conceit had so wrought on the other two, that by their faces it was high time the Apothecary saw to unriddle the whole matter; wherefore desiring them to rise, Gentlemen, said he, the Master of this house upon a discontent grounded on jealousie, the particulars whereof you all know, came to me, and desired assistance in his revenge by poyson, had I deny’d him he would have gone to some else, who might have embraced his wicked design, but to the intent I might hinder all further attempts, I gave him nothing but what was harmless, and assure your selves there is no danger in what you have drank, my life for yours; this strangely amaz’d them all, the Gentlewoman was demanded how she felt her self, she acknowledged to have no sense of alteration, and so did the other; the Husband seeing how fouly his Plot was discovered, and being ashamed to breath after so much intentional guilt, drew a Dagger and attempted to stabb himself three or four times, but was still prevented, being at last somewhat pacified by his good wife, he retired, and having for two years sequestred himself from the enjoyments of the world, exercising himself in all things that became a penitent man, he vowed a weekly pennance during his life, and so was throwly reconciled to his wife, and the moderate enjoyments of this life.

And thus Mistress Dorothy finished all her Stories acquainting us further, that amongst these many Amorists that came to see her, her friend the Scrivener, became intimately acquainted with her, and frequenting her Company often, gained so great an Interest in her, that he being bound for the East Indies, perswaded her to go with him in mans apparel, which she did, and there found some of her old acquaintance, and one that had been so familiar with her before in England. Every one had now given an account of the most considerable passages of their lives, excepting only the Captain, who being sollicited thereunto, freely condescended to anatomize his life, without mincing the least material truth, and thus in the Chapters following gives you the whole relation.

CHAP. VII.

The Sea-Captain gives an account of his illegitimate Birth at Bristol, was left on a Stall, and maintained by the Parish. He is deluded by a Bawd, and perswaded to steal; he is taken ipso facto, committed, arraigned, and condemned to be transported; the Bawd is carted.

It’s now high time for me to acknowledge the great Satisfaction I have received in your relating so many witty and pleasant passages, that have occurr’d in your lives time hitherto; nor can I (without injuring your ingenuity) but commend your generous freedom in discoursing every Remarque, and not omiting any observable, though you knew it could not chuse but cut the very throat of your dying Reputations; and that I may not seem to fall short of that frankness, and gallantry, I will not so much as seem tainted of the late unpardonable sin of these times; Men making it generally their business to censure the Lives and Actions of others, without being in the least sensible of their own, or amending those they cannot hide. Wherefore I shall not abate my self an Ace, nor shall I let a Vice escape, (whereof I am and hath been plentifully stored) without letting you take notice of its shape, complexion, and constitution; Nor shall I hide this truth from you, that I came into the world by stealth; being begot in Hugger-mugger. As my Parents begot me rashly, so they left me carelesly to the world, not doubting, but that which was gotten with so much heat, would live in spight of Fate. They were the more resolute in this cruel resolution of leaving me on a Stall, having generally observed the good Fortune that generally attends Bastards. I was not long left on the Stall, (as my Nurse hath several times since informed me,) but that Hunger awakening me, I piped so shrilly, (and so unexpectedly lowd from a Child so young,) that I soon penetrated the ears of a great many pitiful minded persons that were passing by that way: but the greatest number were of the Female Sex. The Maids, you may think had fine tittering sport; whilst I poor Babby cryed for I knew not what, and well it had been if I never had known what it was to shed a Tear. At length a notable old Woman of the vulgar sort, pressing into the crowd; Stand aside (quoth she) ye giggletting Huzzies; get ye home to your Mistresses service; there is some of ye, for all your laughing now I warrant ye, will be putting finger in eye before these nine Months, upon the like account, and so steps to me; What (said she) the Child must not starve, though it be a By blow; its none of the poor infants fault; and so opening her Breast, she conducted her Nipple to my mouth, which immediately quieted my bawling. Various were the Discourses and suppositions of the People whose Child I should be, every one giving in his verdict according to his imagination, or the suspitions he had entertained of such and such. Some that were more curious and inquisitive than the rest, strictly survey’d me all over, and having commended me for a lusty Child (as generally such are, who are begotten by the heat of blood and strength, grown to full perfection) but likewise praised the proportion and promising features of my tender countenance. At last, a Paper some espy’d pinn’d to my breast, which my Nurse preserving, since I was of years, she gave them me, and I committed them to my memory, which were these:

You see I’me pretty, and am cleanly clad;

Shew then more pity, than my Mother had.

But four days since, that I received breath;

O do not let me cry my self to death.

Take home your Child, this Parish is my Mother;

And what’s distressed in it is my Brother.

Keep me awhile, for in some time don’t fear,

I’le fully recompence your cost and care.

Whilst these were reading by a fellow, that thought himself not meanly so, because he could read written hand; there was a general silence, but no sooner had he ended, but there arose a greater tattling noise in the Crowd, than twenty Bake-houses, or a Fair in any Countrey town could produce. Saith one; I warrant the Father on’t was no Fool, for doubtlesly he wrote the Verses, but the Mother was without question a cruel Quean, that could find in her heart to let so lovely a Babe to perish by extremity of cold; for it was then about January. The Constable was straight way informed of this accident, who readily came, and caused me to be carryed to a Churchwardens: the Woman that was so tender-hearted as to suckle me, was glad of the imployment, hoping she might be the Woman elected to be my Nurse; which fell out accordingly, she lately loosing her own Child of a quarter old. The good woman was overjoyed she had got another to supply the place of her own; especially since she suspected that her age would not permit her to be assisting in the getting of another, and therefore was the more tender of me; Her care and fondness made me grow apace, so that in 12 Months I was called her chopping Boy. To pass over that age, wherein the understanding is in Embrio, and Reason and Experience have not yet consulted about the governing of the grand concerns of mans future being; I shall only give you an account of my Life from the Ninth Year of my Age, till this present.

My Nurse could not choose, when I was but Seven years old, but take notice of many things I committed, for which she severely chastis’d me, endeavouring to stop me in my first proceedings, knowing my pretty Rogueries had their rise from an inclination to all manner of Vice. Above all things I loved all sorts of strong Liquors, not that anything accounted pleasurable, could go amiss with me; for how could it otherwise be, since my Parents, (as I have been informed) studied only how to enjoy their Heaven here, by enjoying what was agreeable most to sence; and therefore I could not be unlike them, who was the absolute extract of no common delights. I say I loved in an extraordinary measure, whatsoever was strong, yet being too young, and so could not drink for the sake of good company, I would greedily drink for its own sake, and that I might procure my satisfaction that way, I found frequent opportunities to steal small parcels out of my Nurses Purse when she was asleep, and then pretending that she sent me for Ale, would drink it by the way; Any small trivial thing, as a Knife, &c. in any House wherever I came, I instantly seiz’d them as my proper Goods and Chattels, and converted them to the use aforesaid: I had a very good convenience of a Bawdy-house not above a Musquet shot from our House; the well disposed Matron thereof, would not only receive what I brought, but would give me half as much Ale as it was worth, besides her blessing, (curse be upon it, I never thriv’d since I had it,) the breath of her best wishes being enough to blast the most promising hopes, that ever yet aspiring Youth entertain’d within his breast; Nay, she told me I was her white Boy, instructed and encouraged me in the Art of theevery, telling me the welcomer I was, the oftner I came. By this means I began to know what it was to keep Company, her Wenches being my initiators, by whose help and my forward endeavours, I commenced Master of Art, before I could sum up Twelve years; I soon became Professor of that deep Mystery, and could when occasion served not, swear mouthingly, (which others call gracefully,) looking impudently, talk impertinently, or imprudently, drink profoundly, and smoak everlastingly. I had got a trick to laugh at every thing, because I would not be accounted morose, or phlegmatick; The melancholy man is a thing by itself, differing from the whole creation; in which every individual species loves either an intercourse in converse, or amicable Society. That humour certainly was spawned by the Devil if it be true (as it is affirmed) that all Vices take their Original from Melancholy: on the contrary, what fault can he commit, whilst he is laughing, and merry, that deserves so much as the knitting of a Brow? Not that I will excuse my self; for my laughter was immoderate, and unseasonable, things so offensively ridiculous to any wise man, (as I have considered since) that it were better to be destitute of a mouth, than that distorted Mouth should abuse the grateful off-spring of a cheerful heart.

I could not have gone to a fitter School than this, to learn Impudence, Lies, Oaths, Drunkenness, with all other Vices and Debaucheries, which commonly flow from such like Nurseries for Hell, Factors for the Devil. My frequent ramblings after this manner abroad, and in my returns, my jolly temper and jocular humour at home, made my Nurse begin to suspect me, calling me to an account where I had been, with whom, and whether I had not tippled. I was grown so stout a Drunkard in so short a time, that my tongue and feet made a firm contract never to betray me, and therefore to all her demands I had excuses at my fingers ends: However she could not but sensibly find a decrease in her small stock; her chief livelihood depending on the sale of Apples, Nuts, Ginger-bread, Eggs, and the like, and thought all her endeavours were blasted from above: I saw her much troubled, and grieved, and I could not but be a little troubled, that I should be the destruction of my preserver; but as seldom any such perplexing thoughts came into my head, so I was ever cautious how I entertained such disquietness. But Heaven decreed, that I should not be the ruine of this Woman, and therefore permitted me to go no longer on in my Roguery with her. For a little distance off our House, I stept into a lower room in an Alehouse, and seeing no body, I imagined the coast was clear. If I had seen any, I should have askt some blind question or other; for I was sufficiently well acquainted, not only in that Parish, but through all Bristol; that was the place of my Nativity: I say, seeing none, I catcht up a Beaker, thinking it was Silver, (but its new scouring deceived me) and clapt it into my Breeches, and so marcht off, as I thought undiscovered, endeavouring with what speed I could to repair to my old Rendezvouz. But he that observed me to steal the Beaker did now dog me to the Bawdy-house, which I had no sooner entred, but I was groaping in my Breeches for my purchase, which when I had pull’d out, I tendred to my Landlady, desiring her to be civil to me; ne’re question (quoth the fellow behind my back, that had watcht, and now catcht me) you shal have as much civility as a whip will bestow on your back; besides what kindness lies in my power to do you. Hearing him say so, I would have run a race with him, but I found him indisposed, being out of breath before, and therefore held me fast, desiring one of those that were crowding about the door to hear what was the matter, to go and fetch a Constable, which one more officious Rascal than the rest, presently did; and the Constable taking me in custody, and about to carry me before the Justice (cryed) Hold, good Mr. Constable, I pray, Sir, let me desire you to put your self to the trouble to view the House farther; which by this gave Matrons leave, I question not we shall find well furnished with variety of Goods which by her constant care, and the indefatigable pains of others she hath gotten together. This fellow, with the Constable, and my own roguish Urchinship had no sooner entred the Kitchin, but he espyed a Plate with the Letters of his name on’t, which I had stoln about a fortnight before from him: which taking up in his hands, sharply demanded of the good old Gentlewoman, how long it had been a sojourner in her house, and by what means it came to stray so far from home? This antiquated piece of more than common impudence, did not stick to tell him that she bought two dozen of them of such a one, that lately broke up House keeping. Where are they, quoth he? before you on the shelf, quoth she, with as much ignorance, as confidence. Upon this, he made his eyes the diligent and speedy Surveyors of that shelf on which the Plate stood, and of two dozen he found not two marked with one and the same Letters. Why thou illiterate fool (said he) I took thee till now to be an old crafty Devil-ridden Hag; the very Marks (which are all several) do sufficiently evidence that each had his Master, before thou wert Mistress of the four and twenty. Hereupon he made a strict Survey over the Utensils of the Kitchen, and found most of them of the like nature. Some trivials whereof he knew to be his own, as Spoons, Porringers, Sawcers, and other small things of light carriage, and easie conveyance, all which he seized and committed them to the custody of the Constable. Then turning to me; Come my little-pretty-rascally thief (quoth he) as you have shewn your self ingenuous, so ingeniously confess what things you have stollen from time to time, either from me or my Neighbourhood, and in so doing I will stand your friend, and endeavour to mitigate the severity of your ensuing punishment.

I hearkened diligently to his flattering words, (for so I found them) but knew not what to resolve on, thinking on the old Proverb, Confess and be hang’d made me as silent, as a Turkish Mute, or one born dumb. Which he perceiving and finding me timerous; come, confess like a good Boy, saith he, otherwise it shall be the worse for you. Hearing him say so, I trembling looking stedfastly on him, to my great sorrow could read in his angry countenance the manner and severity of my punishment. Certainly had he at the time been arraigned upon suspition of Murder, the Judge needed no other evidence than that of his monstrously cruel looks. Never did Keeper of New-gate look half so frightingly on a re-taken Fellon, having broken Prison, than he on me, and therefore without dallying with him further, I fell on my knees, and with as many salt tears, as sweet words begging his pardon, I informed him of every particular I could remember that I had stollen from him; assuring him further, that it was not my own natural disposition, but the instigation of that old Beldame (pointing to the Bawd) that induced me thereunto; encouraging me daily in this pilfering way, by receiving what I brought her, and making me drunk for it; and if I had not brought her a purchase once in two dayes, I had her menaces and threats; besides her upbraiding me with sloath and idleness, and calling me her good boy for nought. Mrs. Bawd had not the patience to hold her tongue longer, but too hastily endeavouring to excuse her self, by accusing me, her lying pretences had like to have choaked her by disgorging them too fast, so that she was forced to pawse a while till she had recovered a little breath, and wiped away the froth she had so plentifully foamed at the mouth; presently after she opened in this manner; Why you young Rogue? how dare you thus abuse an honest Woman (though I say it) of my Calling? I am old enough to be your Grandmother, and therefore you might have reverenced my Age. Besides I have paid Scot and Lot these two and thirty years where I live, and as well, or better acquainted with the Justice, than most of the Parish are with his Clerk; Sirrah, it is well known what I am; a Mother of many Children in an honest calling, and never left them to be kept by the Parish, as your Mother did you, Whores-egg. I have had Knights and gallant Gentlemen in my House early and late, and none of them ever yet could say black was mine eye. I have had as fine handsom Gentlewomen (and young too) as any in this City, that would not have dined with their friend without me, I thank them; and as they were my Lodgers, they had so great a respect for me, that they would not stir abroad, or hardly do any thing without my approbation, and such was their esteem of me, that I am venerably called their Mother by them, and others to this day.

Well Mother, (then said my Securer) let us go to this Justice you are so well acquainted with; I doubt me, that knowledge you have of him will do you no great good; it would have been more your advantage if you had less known him. And so without further delay he charging the Constable with us, and the Constable charging others to aid and assist him, my Grandame and I were both conveyed before the Justice, where upon examination I confessed all, not mincing the truth in the least, laying all the fault on the Bawd, who endeavoured to excuse her self, but to no purpose for the Justice told her he knew her too well, and was glad of this opportunity to put a period to her Bawdy reign; as I had confest my self guilty of those petty thefts, so I had my mittimus immediately drawn, and so had she hers too, and the more deservedly, by how much the Receiver is worse than the Thief. We wanted not attendance (you may imagine) to the Gaol: the whole Street, and the next to that being raised in an instant to see a spectacle so preposterously disagreeable. In the first place a thing so antiquated and old, that there was not one on Earth living that knew her age, neither could she tell herself, having outlived the knowledge thereof, and yet instead of minding her winding sheet, she would have stoln her own Coffin rather than lawfully buy it, had she any way of a cleanly conveyance; nay would have cheated the Sexton of a Burying-place, if her nails, which were long enough, had they been as strong, could dig her own Grave. In the next place, a sight to be lamented, one so young, that he had no sooner skipt out of his Hanging sleeves, but was gotten into the Highway, or ready road to be hang’d.

The Crowd and throng of People was so great about us, that the Constable made what speed he could to Shop us, so that we were forced to march a-pace, a thing that would vex a Horse to be on a Hand-Gallop to his own throat cutting. The Boys and Girls swarm’d about me, some calling me singly, Thief; others, theeving Bastard; which unpleasant sounds did so often beat against the Drum of my ear, that angers Heroick passion was quickly alarm’d, and did soon put it self into a posture of revenge. Though I knew my self basely born, yet I found my blood had the same heat and height of that of Princes; and though I was too sensible of the Guilt of their aspersions, yet my lofty Spirit would not brook to be upbraided therewith; wherefore, if any with his reproaches came so near, as that I could reach him with my Fist, I would not there fail to ring him a Peal. I had dasht so many in the Face, Eyes, and Mouth, or wherever I could best strike, that I engaged a young Army of Enemies against me, who in Front and Rear, nay, on each wing too, did so desperately assault me, that had I had the hands of a score of Briariuses they would have been to few, if no stronger than mine. The Constable at last was forc’d to be my Champion, who so bravely defended me, as not to deprive me of my offending my numerous Foes.

You must not imagine that our good Matron went along more quietly than my self, who, (while I was so disadvantagiously fighting my way through) was pelted on all sides with rotten Apples, Addle Egs, Dirt, or whatever was filthy or loathsom; so that by that time we got to the Gaol, she was now fitter for a Pest-house than a Prison, having all those stinking ingredients about her, that are the common procurers of an universal Contagion. She no sooner entred the Gate, but the Prisoners cryed out, sough, what have you brought hither? Do you think Want and Vermin will not kill us fast enough, but you must thus poyson us? Such Criminals as were so skilful as to know their own Fortunes, were in hopes that the stench of this woman would save the Judge the trouble of Condemning; and the Sheriff the labour of hanging them. Others who knew they should not die that Sessions of a suffocating Quinsy, laid presently violent hands on her, and dragging her into the Yard, there Pumpt her sweet and clean. The next work was to Hand-cuff us, and clap bolts between our Legs. My Godfathers (the Churchwardens of the Parish) hearing of their graceless God-childs confinement, came to visit me, who were worse than ever Jobs comforters were, for they only upbraided them of those secret sins which had thus publickly disgraced him; but these told me, shame was too mild a punishment, and hanging was too good for me. In short, that should be my end, and wisht I had saved the Parish from charges, by being hanged some years before. My Grandam hearing what a sad sentence my Ghostly-Fathers pronounced against me, and that I must inevitably go to Pot concluded she should be Roast-meat to bear me Company at old Nicks table; for the People by her Diabolical looks were more than half persuaded she could not but be a Witch at least.

Sessions approaching I often meditated on the word, Hanging; but the word struck so heavy on my Imagination, that it rather benummed than anyways quickned the sence of punishment: Death I lookt on then with the ignorant and misjudging eyes of a childish understanding, fancying that it was but the meer privation of Life, and there is an end, and not the separation of Soul and Body for a while, till they be by the Infinity rejoyn’d, never to be separated again, either in endless Joys, or Eternal Woes. But as often as I thought I should be soundly whipt, or but have as many single stripes, for every several Roguery I committed, so often would the tears trickle from my eye, whilst my heart was ready to burst, not having the benefit to discharge its grief.

Whilst I was ruminating with my self, what would become of me, my good Nurse came to me, at whose sight I was ready to dissolve into Tears, neither was she much behind hand with me, so that it was very difficult to judge who wept fastest. But at length recovering her self, she charged me home with all my miscarriages, and thinking she had made me fully sensible of them (which she thought she had done by my pitiful looks) she then instructed me, how I should behave my self for the future, if I escaped this bout, and finally counselling[counselling] me that I should freely confess my faults to the Judge, and then most penitently (with all submissiveness) beg his Honour not only to pardon, but pity the tenderness of my Age. I con’d my Lesson so well, that three days after, when I was carried to the Sessions House amongst the rest of the Prisoners, and being called to the Bar, I was bid hold up my Hand, and answer to guilty or not guilty, to what I stood Indicted? I answered guilty (submissa voce) with so low a voice and so much seeming shamefacedness, that the judge I perceived took special notice of my seeming modest behaviour. He thereupon askt me how old I was: My Lord (said I) my Nurse informs me I am twelve years old. A prime youngster indeed, replyed my Lord; but why said you your Nurse inform’d you, and not your Mother? May it please your Honour, (said I) I was never so happy, either to know what she was, or where she is. At this reply of mine, I observed his Lordship more amazed, than he was before surprized, to see so young a Felon appear before him; his wonder was so great, that he only caused me to be set aside, and so proceeded to the Trial of others. I was so kind to my Granney, that I impeacht her not, and indeed her mittimus ran (by the connivance of her old friend the Justice, who had been a good Milch Cow to him, but could now keep her off no longer) for only keeping a House of Debauchery, and rank Bawdry. At the last day of the Sessions I was sentenced to be transported, and the venerable Gentlewoman (out of pure love to see me aboard) had the favour to ride (by reason of her great age) in a certain thing, vulgarly called a Tumbril, being Carted through the Town, attended according to custom, with the usual Ceremonies that are duly performed on such solemn occasions.

CHAP. VIII.

Prisons marr and not mend, giving growth to the seeds of Roguery. He is releast out of Gaol, and sent aboard a Virginia man, in order to his transportation; he makes his escape on shore in the Cock-boat from King road, and travails on foot to Barnstaple; he is entertained by an Hostler, what a notorious trick he serves his Master; and how again his Master was notably revenged of him.

In that short time of my confinement I had made a considerable addition to my stock of Boldness and Roguery, and was competently furnished with subtility and craft to manage my Roguish design: Nothing troubled me more, than that I had not my liberty to put in practice what I thought I very well understood. Thus you see a Prison most commonly mars, but seldom mends any. Whilst I was wishing for, and studying how I might procure my enlargement, a Merchant came into the Prison, and enquired for the Lad which was sentenced to be Transported; I (being overjoyed with the hopes of getting loose) prevented his further enquiry by telling him, I was the person. Hereupon he fixed his eyes upon me, which seem’d well pleased at the spackness of my youth, and pleasantly askt me; whether if I were not forc’d, I had any desire to travail: I told him I fancied it above any thing, and were I left to my liberty, would make it my choice above all things. Since that you are so willing (said he) you shall go for Virginia; and that I may be sure of you, stay here till I am ready to go, in the mean time I shall provide you necessaries, and when the time comes, pay your Fees. I presently framed a sad countenance, and begged of him for the sake of all that was Sacred, to take me with him, and I would serve him in any condition he pleased; and that if he did mistrust me, if he pleased, I would go instantly aboard. Being half perswaded I would perform what I promised, and taking compassion of my pitiful moan, called the Keeper to him, and paying my Fees, instantly sees me out before him; he would not absolutely trust me yet, and therefore bad me go straight forward till he countermanded me, which was but once in all the way, he drove me to his own house. This Gentleman was one of the most considerable Merchants in Bristol, who trading much to Virginia, questioned not but to make a considerable Return of me, being a lusty young comly Lad. By reason our ship lay by the Key side, a lusty Vessel of three hundred Tuns, carrying twenty four Guns, he would not trust me on Board, fearing lest the nearness of the Vessels lying ashore, I should have the better opportunity of making my escape: Wherefore he kept me at home with eyes enough over me; and that I might not be altogether idle, he displaced two or three old Servants of his out of their wearisom imployments, Dog-turn-spits I mean (a usual custom through the whole City) that I might take their turn. Now that my Master might not think I needed to be forced upon business, mornings, and afternoons, (wherein I had some cooling hours) I voluntarily imployed in learning to write, the sight whereof gave my Master a wonderful Satisfaction; insomuch, that he bought me a new Canvas Suit, with Shoes, Stockins, Hat, and two new Shirts, but yet would not suffer me to stir aboard.

But now our Ship being rigg’d, victualed, and all things ready for a Voyage, fell down into King-road, and he in a Boat the next day sent me aboard of her. There being now no hopes left for escaping, I endeavoured to please my self by promising my thoughts things impossible, or very improbable when I Landed in Virginia. But that night there arose a great storm the Wind blowing hard at South-East, which made a very turbulent Sea, which so frighted me, that I fully resolved if I escaped this, I would never be drowned in another like it. We rode with but one Anchor, which coming home we were forc’d to drop our shete Anchor which held us, and so rid it out.

The next Morning several of our men went ashore to the Crock and Pill, there to refresh themselves. I would have gone with them, but could not be admitted; wherefore I resolv’d ere it was long to go ashore by my self. In the day time it was impossible to attempt any such enterprize; wherefore I judged the night must assist me, or nothing would; the Wind being not fair, nor likely to be, one day most of our men took Boat, and went up to Bristol, where taking their leaves of their friends, came down to us as merry as Hawks, those that had been aboard all day, upon the return of the Ships Crew, went ashore to the Pill, where in less time, they got as considerable a Dose as the most head strong of any of the rest had done. Night coming on, sleep needed no other Harbinger to put them to rest, than their own ebriety, which soon had lull’d four parts in five into a sensless security, snoaring so loud, that I wonder they did not wake with their own noise. Now was the time I imagined, that Providence had alotted for my escape, and so seeing the Decks in a manner clear, I got into the Steerage, designing to look for the Cock-Boat, which used to be a Stearn of us, but looking out of the Port-hole I saw two lusty fellows (that were Passengers) in the Boat, and were just putting off from the Ship side. I spake softly to them, and threatned to discover them by crying out, if they would not take me in: they seeing a necessity for so doing, consented to my proposition, and in I got; they plyed the Oars so well, that we quickly got ashore, landing at Portshead, for the Bell would have been a means to discover us; and there turning our Boat a Drift, away we travelled by Land most part of that night; in the Morning by inquiry, we found our selves not farr from Mineard: we left the Town on our right hand, not daring to venture through it, and keep streight on till we came within six miles of Barnstable, there we lay in a Barn that night; my two other Comrades had a mind to go to Plimouth, but I refused to go with them, having been all suspected the day before, begging on the Road; I thought my self more secure to be alone, imagining few would suspect a Lad so young, and therefore resolved for Barnstable. Whither being come, I addressed my self to an Inn, where begging a while, the Hostler chanc’d to take notice of me, and seeing me to be a notable well trussed Lad, askt me, whether I would assist him in rubbing down Horse-heels? Yes (said I) with all my heart; he never questioned my fidelity, nor what friends I had, for he thought it would be to little purpose for so small a youngster to ride away with a Horse, riding to water, &c. The frequent falls I had, (being a bad Horseman) had like to have put me by my new occupation; for I was half of the opinion it was equally as dangerous to ride a Horse-back as to ride at Anchor: and to lift me clear out of the Saddle, my Worshipful Master did take much notice of my frequent miscarriages, and fearing lest by my unskilful riding, or some other accident I should have my neck broken one time or other and so be forced to keep me, he was resolved to turn me off; that which confirmed him in his resolution, was a scurvy trick I served him, which was intended for the Tapster, which is as followeth.

The Tapster of our Inn, when he found me any time at leisure, would commonly imploy me in attending his Guests, drawing Drink, and so forth; I seldom went into the Cellar, but I would be sure to drench my throat; for I thought I had wronged my Mouth, if I had missed one time, by which means he could not but catch me sometimes; at first he took little notice, but finding me to make it a common practice, every time he so caught me, he made my ears pay for the injuries my mouth did him; but one time above the rest, he did beat me in the Cellar so unmercifully with a Hoop-stick, that after it I thought I needed at least twenty of them to keep my ribs together: the continual pain this beating put me to, did also rack my inventions in studying how I might be revenged of him: I could find no other way but this; observing the Tapster to be very laxative, I went and consulted the House of Office, and found the middle Board to be suitable and serviceable to my purpose; for by loosing of but two or three Nails I could make it turn topsy turvy, like a Trencher with a Tub of water to catch Mice withal; but I I[I I] plumm’d the depth of the Vault, and found it in Golden Oar not above a yard in depth; finding that I should not hazzard his life by this enterprize, and having a brave opportunity to drink that night, (there being great store of Guests in our House) I swallowed so much for joy that my project would take, that my eyes were miskie: however all being abed, and I the last up, resolved to be the first in the morning to prevent others from dropping into the Pit-fall; knowing well from former experience that our loose Tapster would be the early, and first handseller of this design.

At length growing exceedingly drowsie, I fell asleep under the Manger, a wonder to me since, that the Horses by treading on me, had not spoiled my face, or some other part: about four of the Clock in the Morning I was awakened out of my sleep, by an exceeding Griping of my Guts, and found a great pronness to go to Stool; the fumes that ascended from the excess of Drinking Ale the night past, had not only intoxicated my Brain, but for that time so depraved my memory, that I remembred not any thing of the Trap I had laid for the Tapster; wherefore to obey Natures commands, I ran hastily into the House of Office, with my Breeches in my hands, and treading on the Board, it slipt up, and in I dropt.

I thought once to have cried out for help, but hang it thought I, it is better punish my nose a while, than lose my revenge: wherefore placing the Board (which I could easily reach) even again, I crept up into the corner of the Vault. I waited a great while, but none came, till my patience was almost worn out; but at last I heard the tread of some ones footing, I supposing it to be the Tapsters, was even over-joyed; But it was my Master, stepping boldly into the House of Office, and treading on the same Board, slipt into it as I had done before; whereupon catching him about the neck (for I was almost up to the Chin) which had like to have frightned him more than his fall; welcome said I, the welcomest man living; you might have come sooner, I have waited here an hour at least; he thinking the Devil had been in the Vault (for he could not conjecture any mortal could endure to be there so long) cri’d out as loud as his Wind-pipe (which was Organ-Tenor size) would permit; which doubling, he at length drew help unto him, they sent him the end of a Broomstick (preserving their hands for a sweeter imployment) by the help of which he got out; but no sooner was he on his Feet, but without so much as thanking them, cries out, the Devil is in the Vault, and so ran distractedly into the House; The People hearing him say so, ran after him, leaving me to shift for my self. There might I have staid long enough, had not my own hands helpt me out. Being in the House he smelt stronger than twenty of Tom-Ponds put all together, and so great was his fright, that that added somewhat to the strong scent, if any addition could be made. He was perswaded first to wash, and change his habit, before they asked any questions concerning this strangely surprizing adventure, for it was impossible to entertain any discourse with him. In the mean time I having got out, ran immediately into the Horse-pond, and there rowled and wash’t my self all over, and coming out, finding that would not absolutely do, I uncloathed my self, taking my Doublet first, and washing that throughly, and so my Breeches, with my Shirt, and every thing else about me, I washed severally and distinctly from those fetid impurities, they had contracted in the House of Office.

By this time my Master the Hostler had shifted himself, and abundance of the Neighbours were gathered about him, to be informed how this disaster befell him. Why surely Sirs (said he) it must be the Devil, and no body else, that owed me a shame, and now paid me home; at that very instant I came into the room where my Master was, who seeing me in that manner dropping, and looking as bad, as one that had been drawn through a Common-shore; How now (said he) whence comest thou? What hast thou been doing? Master, said I, (if I mistake not) you were talking just now of the Devil owing you a shame, pray tell me what it was, and how he paid it you home, and I shall acquaint you with his late too much familiarity with me. Hereupon my Master repeated what he had related before briefly to me, telling me, that going to the House of Office this morning early, he had no sooner stept within the doors, but the Devil, (for he was sure on’t he said) unjoynted a Board, and pull’d him into the Vault, and then jear’d him by welcomeing, him into that stinking place. O Master (said I) as you were served, so was me your Boy (though somewhat differing in manner) and I think by the same splightful Devil: For coming out of the Stable by four in the morning, I was catcht up, and thrown upon our great Dung-mixen, there was I rowled to and fro for half an hour, and at last rowled into our Horse-pond; out of which with much difficulty I scrabbled out with my life; you see what a pickle I was in. This I feigned, that he might not think me guilty of that Plott I had laid for another, but was every whit as glad, it did light on him, for his beating me so often unmercifully.

Large was the talk of this strange accident, most not knowing what to think on’t. He for his part a while did foolishly believe that some infernal Spirit owing him some ill will, had thus abused him, till by some apparent Symptomes he had discovered, he concluded me the Author. To the intent he might the more fully revenge himself on me, he took no notice on what had passed, neither did he express any dissatisfaction towards me. One Night about 11 and 12 a Clock, when the whole Family were most of them in Bed, he merrily askt me whether I had any Money; yes, said I, here is two pence. Come on, said he, I will wager with thee a Pot, I will jump further at twice, than thou shalt do at five times; done, said I; Where shall the place be: Why here said he in this very Entry where we are. He began first, and made three large jumps which reacht as far as the Threshold of the outer dore. Having so done, I followed him, and at the fourth, I toucht the Threshold with my Toes: and then straitning my self to shew my nimbleness and activity, I leaped a great way into the Street; he perceiving that, shut the door against me, locking it, he spake through the Key-hole, saying, Good night, look your lodging elsewhere, your Lordship is to nimble for me. My entreaties were many and urgent to let me in, but I found him so inexorable, that had I supplicated his Horses, I might have found as much favour, as from this Esquire of the manger.

CHAP. IX.

He relates what extremities he was put to, for want of Food and Lodging. His Lodging in a Mill, lying in the Hopper, discovers a very pleasant passage between the Miller and his Wench; and by a strange accident got a very good Supper that night; with many other remarkable adventures.

I was not so much troubled that by being shut out of dores I was destitute of a lodging as to think how basely I was turn’d off by this Yeoman of the Hempen Collar. Neither did I trouble my self at the thoughts of lying underneath a Stall, (for I had too lately been intimately acquainted with lying on the boards) but my mind was somewhat perplext when I thought of meeting the Constable and his Watch, I fear’d no lodging so much as one of their providing. To avoid which, I crept under a Stall, and slept there that night. The Sun had lookt into our Hemisphere with half an Eye, when I awaked, and glad I was I had so much light to see which way I pleased to steer my Course. I directed my Feet toward the Key, where I knew I should find diversity of Objects to please my roving mind. I walkt there so long, still my stomack grew enraged to that height that nothing could pacify it but a good Breakfast, which I knew not how to obtain, or give it the least satisfaction, but by begging. Whilst I was thus plotting how to support Life, a Man in good habit steps ashore from one of the Ships which lay by the Key, and walking a turn or two with me, askt me who I belonged to, if to none, whether I wanted a Service? To whom I replyed, I was an Orphan and Masterless, and that I should be glad to hear of a good Service, and be thankful to him that should help me to one. That I will said he, if thou wilt Sail with me to the Barbadoes, thou shalt fare as I do, and since thou art a well favoured Lad, I will have a care of thee as of my own Son (it may be so, if he loved him no worse than my Father loved me) thou shalt do well ne’re question. He askt me whether I would eat or drink, I told him I was both hungry and thirsty; come aboard with me (said he) and thou shalt be satisfied in both. I thought it no prudence, but rather very hazardous to go aboard then, and therefore beg’d his excuse; he perceived my fearfulness, insisted on that no farther, and so carried me to a Cooks Shop where he called plentifully for Meat and Drink; and that I might not want sawce to my Meat, he recounted to me the pleasures of going to Sea, what idle Lives they lived, doing nothing but imploying their thoughts in what past time they shall next divert themselves in; Sometimes playing at Hob, (a usual Game amongst Sea-men in a calm) afterwards at Cards, Dice, Tables, Talking, Walking, Smoaking, Drinking or Fishing, and then speaking of Barbadoes and other Islands they usually touch upon, he told nothing but wonders of them. Though I had not the Faith to believe all he said, yet I could not but be much pleased at the Relation. He spent some hours with me to possess me with a belief of the verity of what he said; and when he had exprest himself so largely that he could not utter any more without Repetition, he demanded whether I would resolve to go with him; I promised faithfully I would, but desired of him respit till the next day; thinking I intended thereby to evade him, he would not consent to it, alledging I was too young to catch old Birds with chaff; this was but a trick of mine to fill my Belly, and that this was not the first time I had served others so; however I will pay my share of the Reckoning, and so farewell and be hang’d; there being sixteen pence to pay, he threw down his eight pence. As he was marching down the stairs I called after him, begging him to stay, he returning, I vowed I would come to him the next day, and be absolute at his devotion; I backt this Vow with many Oaths and Protestations, the breaking of which I valued as little as Lovers do theirs in an amorous heat, if necessity should force me to it. Well, said he, I will believe thee for once, but if thou doest cheat me, I shall find you some time or other, and then——

Glad I was to part with him, resolving if I could make any other shift, I would not go with him, Night drew on without any other success that day; and now wandring to and fro in the dark not knowing where to go, I arrived at the foot of Welcomb Bridge; finding myself so near the Town end, I resolved to get shelter under some Hay-mow, or creep into some Pig-stie. As I walkt along I saw a glimmering light, and approaching it, found it in a Mill; I lookt in, but saw no body, whereupon I boldly entred (it being late) and sate down a while by the Hopper, to the intent if any should have taken notice of my entring the Mill, I might there in view have been excused my self. Now coming, and finding myself alone, I got up into the Hopper (being a very large one) and there lay close. I had not been long there, before I heard the Miller come into the Mill, and discoursed with an other, which I judged Female by her voice: not long after came his Boy with some Liquor of what sort I know not, about to depart, the Miller charged him to bring the Capon as soon as it was ready.

By their discourse I soon perceived the intent of that their nocturnal meeting; for though the Mill stood still, the Miller was resolved to grind that night. Various was their pretty little amorous tittle tattle; but growing weary of talking, there was a cessation, and then I could hear a bustling and puffing, as if the Miller had over-charg’d his arms by lifting too many sacks of corn at once. After this, no noise at all; then began a fresh Dialogue, but somewhat better qualified than the first; Their discourse was full of kissing Parentheses, sometimes one with another: their controversie at length grew hot, and the arguments of these two Disputants were so powerful on each side, that they had not a word to say. In the mean time in came the Boy with the Capon, setting it down, but where is the Bottle (Sirrah) said the Miller? The Winer said the Boy wont let it go without leaving Money for it beside the Sack; whereupon giving him Money charg’d him to make haste, which he did accordingly. The Miller and the Wench fell to it lustily. I could hear by the swift motion of their chops, not letting three bitts pass their greedy throats without six Gulps of Wine to wash them down. I wisht them both in the Mill Dam, so that I could have had some of their good cheer. At last the Miller being indifferently satisfyed, and impatient to taste of other Flesh, than that of a Fowl, said, Come my dear we will set aside what remains till anon, which will taste better then, than now; I did wish they would have set it up in the Hopper; After this they fell to their former dalliances; and all was hush again. I reaching up my head by degrees, resolving to see; and leaning too far over the Hopper to make the full discovery, I and the Hopper came tumbling over and over down upon the Miller, and with my Foot had so dabb’d him into the Pole, that half stund, up he got with his Wench, and both ran as if the Devil had been in the pursuit of them; not knowing (when they had recovered the fright) how soon they would return, I resolved not to be idle, but snatching up the remains of the Capon and the Bottle I ran too, but it was a contrary way, being at a good distance, and having recovered the Fields I got under a Hedge, where I made a shift to fill my Belly, though I could not see what I did eat; my Wine served to keep me warm in my new cold lodging; but I found it had not cured my bruised Bones, which troubled me so much, I cursed my curiosity, as well as the Miller, who was the cause of all this mischief, wishing I had his Stones to peck for him.

My happiness rose with the Sun, whose glorious beams having put to flight the gloomy shades of the night, had also in part routed those cares and fears which had surrounded me on every side. And now I began to remember my promise to go for Barbadoes; which (after I had seriously considered with my self) concluded it to be the best expedient I could propound to my self for a future livelihood. But thought I, it would not be amiss to carry some Venture along with me; but since I had neither Parents, Friends, Credit, nor Money, there was no way to procure any such thing, but by my wits, which I was resolved to stretch, or stretch for it: I walkt the streets almost one whole day, but could not contrive a way to insinuate my self into any shop, without much suspition, being so small an Urchin; But rather than spend a day thus fruitlesly, I purposed to hazzard all; and therefore coming by a Shooemakers Shop, I boldly stept in, and as confidently askt the Master thereof, whether he knew my Master; who is thy Master quoth the Shooemaker? Capt. ——— said I; he replyed, he knew him not. You may then said I, for he pointed to this Shop even now, bidding me stay till he came, he intends to buy a parcel of shooes of you, being bound to Sea in a long Voyage. The Man hearing me tell this formal and plausible tale, desired me to sit down, telling me I was heartily welcom; I told him I had been sitting all day, and therefore desired him to give me the liberty of walking in his Shop, with all my heart said he; and with all my soul too, thought I; for by this means I had the opertunity of Surveying the Shop, and seeing what things my hands might lay hold on with least difficulty and hazard. He not suspecting me in the least, followed what he was before about at his Cutting-board, and his back being towards me, I secured a pair of Childrens Shooes, which lay among many more carelesly on a Seat, which I securing, I stept to the Man at his Cutting-Board; sometimes looking on his work, and then stared him caution by my eyes to have a care, lest I should steal the noble Trade of the Gentle craft from him; then standing at the door as if I lookt every moment for my Masters coming, and then retreating inwards, would wonder, or rather mutter to my self, that if he should stay so long. Walking a turn or two backwards and forwards, I espyed a pair, that I verily believed would fit me, my heart leapt within me at the discovery, and my fingers never left itching till I pincht them by the Ears, who made no outcry, when I conveyed them into my Breeches; fearing to stay longer; (knowing to well the danger if I were taken) I came to the Master of the Shop with my Hat in my Hand, telling him I would go look my Master, assuring him I should find him either at the Rose, or Kings-head Tavern, and as soon as I found him would return again instantly. Do so, my pretty Lad, quoth he, do so; which I did with such an over eager haste, that had he observed me, I might have been betrayed thereby. Overjoyed with this success I fully purposed to be couragious for the future, and banish every base thought, that might lessen or abate a dangerous or desperate resolution. To increase my purchase I walkt into another Street remote from that I committed my first Theft, where I busily imployed my eyes in the search of any advantage, though ne’re so inconsiderable; they quickly found out what my thoughts aimed at, and therefore drew near my intended prey, a Hosiers Shop, the Master whereof was busily imployed in making up of Stockings of all sorts into Papers, marking thereon the Prizes. A Logger-headed Fellow, taller by the Head than my self, had little to do, it seems then to gape and stare on the Gentleman that was at work; he lolling over the Stall, I came and leaned by him, where we both gazed so long, till we had seen him make up several Parcels.

I had a great mind to have some Stockins to my Shooes, if I knew how to get them. There was no thoughts of going in after the obsolete way of nimming them, under the pretence of cheapning, for my Habit and Age would have been incongruous, to that design; I had various Projects in my head, and I verily believ’d one would take, (since there was but one man in the Shop) if I knew but which of them would prove most infallibly effectual; for I approved them all as very good. Seeing his work almost at an end, I thought it high time mine should begin; wherefore this Lobcock (who lookt like one who never was nor ever would be good for any thing) I say, I propounded him as the fittest instrument I could use for my designed good. To commence this Knavish stratagem, I pincht him gently by the Ear, which he feeling, grumbling like one suddainly awakt out of his sleep, asked me what’s the matter? Nothing said I, he lolling again after his afore accustomed humour, I twek’t him again, at which he grew angry, and threatned to box me: I regarding his threats no more than the humming of a Gnat, stuck a Pin to the Head in his Breech; at which he caper’d like a dancing Horse; and ney’d so loud, that I could hardly forbear laughing, but he soon made me more serious, by lending me such a cuff on the Ear, I thought he had struck my head off my Shoulders; I endeavoured to defend my self as well as I could, warding his blows, and now and then returning one, creeping as near the Shop door as I could; the Master of the Shop perceiving my Antagonist was like to be too hard for me, left off papering his Stockins, to part two so unequally matcht; that was my pollicie, that I might get him on my side; with much ado, by the help of my Shop-friend, I dis-ingaged my self from him, and seemingly much afraid, I ran violently into the Shop, pretending to fly from my furious adversary; and turning hastily about, I saw the Hosier was much concerned in keeping the Looby from running in upon me; all this while his back was towards me, which favoured my exploit so rarely well, I whipt up a Paper of six pair of Stockins, and sent them into my Breeches undiscovered, to keep company with the Shoes; having finished this work, I had so cunningly plotted I called to the Hosier, Master, Master, said I, let the cowardly Lubber come, and let me see what he dare do, I commend the little Boy said the Hosier, and so loosing him, he ran furiously upon me, I being less by much than he, dodg’d him, and so got clear out of the dore, the Hosier holding him in the Shop, till I had cleerly escap’d him; The Hosier, (as I understood afterwards) presently missing his Stockings, overtakes this Boy, that made not half the haste that I did, to be far enough from the Shop, and dragging him back, charg’d him with stealing a Paper of Stockins who stifly denied it, as well he might. The other told him that though he lookt like a simple ignorant Dolt-head, yet he had found him the cunningest Knave that ever he met with: These are new tricks indeed, spick and span new, piping hot. I have heard, when Knaves fall out honest men come by their own; but I never heard when two such Young Rogues fall out, honest men should loose their Goods. Sirrah, not only produce the Stockins you now have stoln but those I have lately mist, and that presently: you are like to pay for all. A Young Lad (one of my Confederates afterwards) stood by all the while, and told me, that his Gestures at that time out-did all the changlings that ever had been before him; all that the Hosier could get out of him was, that the boy he would have beaten had them; This would not serve the turn, but caused the Constable to carry him before the Mayor, who hearing the whole story, wondred at the subtility of the Plot, especially proceeding from such Green Heads (concluding us Partners) and that his Worship might hinder him from the like, or worse attempts, committed him to Bridewell, there to remain one whole Month, and thrice a week to be severely lasht. I was glad to hear of his confinement being freed from the fear of meeting him in the Street, neither durst I much ramble abroad for fear of meeting the Hosier; wherefore I was resolved to make what hast I could to get me and my Cargo aboard; to the increasing whereof I found the acquaintance I got among young Apprentices, with my skill in Span-farthing and Chuck, to be very instrumental; For being busie at play whilst their Masters were at Dinner or Break-fast, (which were my chief Market times) I could with ease slip into the Shop, and so whatever came to my hands was lawful Prize. What I had gotten at Chuck, Span-Farthing, and such like Juvenil Games, I found sufficient to provide me sustenance for the day, and had spare hours enough to exercise my Art of Pilfring; what each days Theft had produced, I warily carried to my Magazine, a place that I had found out, secret and secure enough for that purpose, viz. a ruinated old Castle, not far distant from the Town, rarely frequented by any. In the Wall whereof, I found a large hole, where I intomb’d my Goods, I like a Cunny with her Stock of young Rabbets, never let it lie open, when I left it.

There was not a Day wherein I did not add to my Store; so that thriving thus in my Theeving, and success attending all my Rogueries, I grew so impudently confident, that I thought almost that I could have stoll’n a mans skin from him without discovery. But Danger and Destruction are seldom nearer, then when security lies at the Door. I had been in many shops but never in a Booksellers, wherefore I was resolved to make one Trial there; and studying what Book to ask for, (being acquainted with very few) I pitcht upon an Accidence; but that I thought would not suit with my Canvas habit, I then thought a Spelling-Book would be much fitter; so advancing within the Shop Dores, I demanded of the Apprentice whether he had any such Book; he answered affirmatively. Pray let me see it, said I; whilst the young man was reaching down a bundle of stitcht Books, in which it was tyed up; I had cleanlily conveyed a Book into my Breeches, (which[(which] proved to be a Practice of Piety) the Apprentice not finding it in that bundle, searcht in another, which gave my hands the liberty of seizing on another Book, a piece of Divinity as well digested and as Practical as the former, called A Help to Devotion; his Master which lay covert this while in a place called Catch Thief, hastily called his Man to him, to tell him what he had observed, and to let me alone till I was going away, and then to detain me; giving me in the mean time all the advantagious opportunities I could wish for; and to dissemble the matter the better, the Apprentice fumbled a pretty while before he could find it; by that time I had made other purchases, but one especially, the Title whereof you shall know instantly.

Having found the Book, he delivered it into my hands; I tumbling it over askt the Price: Two Groats, said he; I that had no mind to buy it, was resolv’d to bid little enough; will you take Three Pence; The Rascal snatcht the Book out of my Hands so furiously, I thought he had torn it to pieces; and then griping me fast by the Arm, (a Pox on him I did not like well his looks before) Sir, said he, Your Worship is very merrily disposed to offer me as little again as my commodity cost me. What Books else do you want? Or is your Honour of all sorts well stored? So clapping his hands on the knees of my Breeches, discovered what I had been doing. This disgracing Villain makes no more ado, but bawls out aloud, Master, Master, come quickly, I have caught the Bookworm that hath devoured so many Books of late. The Grave old Segnior upon this out-cry quits his covert, and in a Spanish pace advanced towards me, accosting me with the worthy Title of Honoured Sir, I am glad to see you, and am much troubled you should heretofore visit my Shop, and I abroad. I understand you are a great lover of Books; insomuch (they say) you are a little walking library: be not offended Sir, if I take the boldness to look into the Title of one or two of them: so putting his hands into my Breeches, drew out a Practice of Piety: An excellent good Book. I protest (quoth he) you are to be commended for making election of such approvedly sound Divinity, to inform you of the true principles of Christianity; diving again he brings out M. Scudders Christians dayly walk; Upon the sight hereof he seem’d to be ravisht, saying, surely this is a young Angel; and if he reads and practises such precious Books as these, he will be Canoniz’d for a Saint before his decease. And then applying himself to me; said, for certain your[your] walk and the Christians dayly walk differ much, for his dayly walks are in the righteous paths of honesty and Justice, but you walk dayly up and down to see what Thefts, Cheats, and Rogueries you can perform. But let us make a further enquiry, and then he drew out a Help to Devotion. Do you see (said he) how Devout he is? how piously studious? not one scurrilous Pamphlet, or Play-book in all his Study; What shall we call him; Religious Votary. But indeed Sir, (said he) you are highly too blame not to put your books (having so many) into some method or order, and not let them lie thus confusedly without shelves.