The Project Gutenberg eBook, The English Rogue: Continued in the Life of Meriton Latroon, and Other Extravagants, by Richard Head and Francis Kirkman

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The text as printed employed the long ‘s’ (‘ſ’), which has been rendered here as a modern ‘s’.

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THE

English Rogue:

CONTINUED

IN THE

LIFE

OF

MERITON LATROON,

And other Extravagants.

COMPREHENDING THE

MOST EMINENT CHEATS

OF

Most Trades and Professions.

Read, but do'nt Practice: for the Author findes,

They which live Honest have most quiet mindes.

The Second Part.

Licensed Feb. 22. 1668.

London, Printed for Francis Kirkman, and are to be

sold at his Shop over against the Custome-House,

in Thames-Street, 1671.

The Epistle
DEDICATORY
TO THE
BOOK-SELLERS
OF
LONDON.

Gentlemen,

It hath been one of the greatest Errors in most Authors to think by their high Dedications to advance their Books, when as on the contrary, I have known some of the better sort of Books (though Dedicated to Worshipful, Honorable, Illustrious, and Reverend Patrons; nay and sometimes to Majesty it self) instead of being preferred in Book-sellers shops (and according to their merit bound in Turky or Murrey Leather gilt, and richly adorned) only to be found in loose sheets at Cooks and Tobacco-shops, disposed under greasie Pies, to stop Mustard-pots, and to wrap up Mundungoes Tobacco, or at best (after more cost than was intended by the Author in damasking and figuring it) used in Truncks and Hat-cases: and all this hath happened because there was not a fit choice of a power full Book-seller, which out of profit and interest might prefer and advance the same.

Now that I might not run into the same Error, and have the like misfortune, being very well acquainted how much prejudice or profit I may receive in your stifling and slighting, or preferring and advancing this Piece, and I (being desirous that it should sell, for to that end in part was it written and Printed) therefore make choice of you for my Patrons and Protectors.

Gentlemen, I hope what hath been particularly written in this Book of your Trade, will not be offensive to you in general, neither that any particular Person will be offended, unless such as are guilty; and for their sakes it was written, that they may see their vicious enormities, and amend them.

Though all these misdemeanors are charged upon the score of one man, as being acted by one; yet i’le assure you I know not any one person guilty of all, though it is possible that they are all true, or else our Extravagant (who recounts his story) gives misinformation: and I for my own part have so much Charity to believe, that there are several of your Trade honest-men, and not at all guilty of any thing here Charged on our Extravagants Master: To those I suppose, I rather do a kindness than a prejudice in unfolding the Mysterious Knaveries of the Trade, and in requital I hope they will be my Protectors, in preferring this Piece, not only to their Customers in London, but to their Chapmen in the Countrey, and thereby save me the trouble of it: And as for those who being conscious of their own guilt, are offended with what is here written, and out of revenge will refuse to protect or sell this Piece, I am well enough satisfied, and by their refusal or slighting, both I and the Book-buyer shall by their anger conclude their guilt.

And Gentlemen, it is very well known to you, that the first part of this book hath (notwithstanding many oppositions) done its business, being generally liked and approved of; and I am told (by the ingenious) that this will not come short of the former in pleasure, and exceed it in profit: and therefore I doubt not of the sale, and I hope it will be so far from staining your Reputations, that on the contrary, you may reap credit; besides, as you may gain credit, so you will have profit by the sale, and that I know will be a very great inducement to you.

For both which causes I hope you will not refuse me your assistance, which I know may be powerful; and I shall for the future discourse your civilities, and at present subscribe myself

Your friend and Servant,

Fra. Kirkman.

The Preface to the Reader.

GENTLEMEN,

The First Part of this Book being so generally well received, I was induced to procure it to be prosecuted in a second; and to that end I often solicited the Author to proceed according to his promise; but he was deterred for several reasons, the most prevalent whereof he told me was this, That he had reaped a great deal of ignominy by writing of that; for many people were so ignorant, as to believe that it was a true and exact account of the Authors life; especially after they had upon acquaintance or inquiry found that he was indeed guilty of some petty waggeries which are therein recited; and therefore concluding him guilty of the whole, lookt on him as a dangerous person, and shunned and avoided his company, lest they should be damaged thereby, or at leastwise scandalized; others gazing on him at a distance with the eyes of wonder.

Now let me tell you that though I was wholly a stranger to the Author, when he writ that Book, yet I have been since so well acquainted with him, that I can directly clear him from the guilt of most of those enormities contained therein. For in the first place, it is sufficiently known to me, and many persons more, that he was never upon the Padd: for I am confident he was never guilty of so base a valour, as either to Rob a house, or bid a man stand on the Road. Next as to the Cheats, especially those in Gaming; though he professes so much knowledge therein, in his Book; yet I am sure of this, (let him be never so well acquainted in the Theory) that he is ignorant in the practical part thereof, having been the cheated, not the Cheater, of a good round sum of mony, which he lost at Dice in my presence, and to my prejudice; and I believe, that although (what he did write in the first part of the Book, Chapter 25. about his loss at Dice;) that might be in jest, yet now he might say in earnest. The Lines are these,

I thought my self secure, for I could top,

By which I've forc’d some Citt’s to leave their shop.

I palm’d, and put the change upon them too,

I only studied how I might undo.

But now I'm met with, 'tis but just I see,

That he which others cheats should cheated be.

He being clear of these two crimes, Thieving and Cheating (which are the most Capital,) I know not why he should be avoided for any other, though we suppose him guilty of many female frauds, his inclination leading him to be a lover (though Mercurial and unconstant) of the Female sex; with whom I suppose he may have acted some of the adventures by him recited, and those passages, with what others he thought or heard of: and whereof many persons in this our age are guilty, he having methodiz’d, is the main part of his Book; and the intent of his writing, it was to shew the deformity of vice, that every one might shun it. The two lines which he placed on the Title page of many of his Books, sufficiently demonstrating the Authors intent. The words are these,

Read, but don't practice: since the Author finds

They which live honest, have most quiet minds.

Thus, although the intent of his writing was good, and the effects proved answerable in the sale of the Book, yet could I not procure him to proceed, though I offered him my assistance, in acquainting him with my experience; but all would not do: Wherefore I applyed my self to another, a brother of the same trade; a professed Author, and one who hath been happy enough in the sale of many of his writings; him I courted into a complyance with my desire, and perswaded to begin to write somewhat to the purpose; I proposing only to him to give an account of the knavery of many trades and professions. I gave him my best instructions, and laid my ground-work well enough, as I hoped to have him proceed: But so soon as he knew my intention of making his writing a part of (by joyning it to) The Rogue, with some anger he left it, and refused to proceed.

He having thus laid down the Cudgels, I then took them up my self, and those loose scribled papers which I had written for his instruction to proceed upon, I viewed over, and after some small correction they serve for the greatest part of this Treatise.

In what I have written; I begin first with my self (as we all ought to do when we intend to amend,) and give an account of the greatest Knaveries which I know, or can at present call to mind, there are or have been committed in two trades; the one a Scrivener, in which I was bred, and the other a Book-seller, in which I have been now above twelve years, on and off, a professed Practitioner. When I was a child I was intended to be a Church-man in profession, as well as name; but the time proving unhappy, and no encouragement for that profession, and my Father aiming at some imployment that might be profitable, and knowing the trade of a Scrivener to be so, was for that cause enduced to place me with a Master of that quality, (though my inclination led me rather to the Book-selling Employ.) Being thus placed out, I not only endeavoured to learn my calling; but also at all spare times plyed my Book; and though I had a very great employment under my Master, yet I made a shift not only to read much, and learn the French and other Languages, but to write somewhat for the Press. And now I am speaking of my Master (in regard in part of this Book, I give an account of the Knaveries of the Scriveners trade) it will be convenient to say somewhat to clear him from any guilt therein, or else it may be supposed that I mean him: But they that think so are much mistaken, for he then was, and still is a solid, honest, sober Citizen; and not in the least as I know of, guilty of any misdemeanour in his practice: and it was my folly, and not his fault to leave him: for after about five years service with him, I went to another, and from thence forward it was that I gained the first experience of the Knavery of that profession; and since then, not only by keeping company with some of them, but also by my own experience and practice, (though not as the Cheater, but Cheated,) I can truly write a Probatum est to what I have written of that Profession, and if occasion were, give a Clavis or Key, to discover most, if not all of those several pieces of Knavery I have here discoursed of: And thus much for the Scrivener.

And as for the Book-sellers trade, my inclination leading me to it very much, I did about twelve years ago publickly profess it, in keeping a Shop, wherein I used as well the Bookselling, as the Scriveners quality; but having knaves to deal with, of whom I bought some part of my ware, I soon left off the Bookselling trade, only keeping to the other; in which I sufficiently profited my self; And I defie all the world to charge me with any Knavery in the whole course of my practice; which during the time of great buildings at the East part of London, (where I dwelt) I gained much; but that ceasing, and the tide of employment ebbing at the East part, I thought it would be convenient to remove West-ward, especially, his Majesty being then happily and gloriously returned, and fixed at that end of the Town. And therefore taking a house and shop, that I might have two strings to my Bow, I again professed both Trades, of a Scrivener and Bookseller. I now thought my self wise enough to deal with the Booksellers; but I soon found my self deceived, to my cost, for I was drawn in by some of that profession to be concern’d in printing of Play-books; in which, I having skill, and much affection to the matter, willingly engaged. I, for my part, only printed three, which were my own proper Copies; and they, (though I dissuaded them there-from) made choice of the best Playes then extant; though the Copies were other mens, I thought this criminal, but they made a tush at it.

The owner of the Copies hearing of this wrong done to them, gained a Warrant to seize them: My Partners secured theirs, and one of them had so much cunning Knavery as to come to me, and sell me his share, and within a day or two after delivery, directed the Officers (who had warrant to seize) to my house, where they at once took from me 1400 Play-books; the value whereof is easily computed to be considerable.

This happening in time of much business (for my Mother was then lately dead, and my Father dying) I could not look after the recovery of my books, which I heard were divided, and I never to this day had satisfaction of one or other. My Father soon after dying, and leaving me a plentifull estate, I resolved to quit all Trading in general, retire into the Country, and lead a Contemplative life; (for indeed I never had a love for any Trade, hating the business in general, and only used them for a livelyhood). I having thus given out, had several offers from Book-sellers to buy my books (which were of a considerable value, being valued at some hundreds of pounds;) He who had so lately Cheated me, did amongst others desire to havè them, and did ingeniously confess the trick he had lately put upon me: and this his ingenious confession he made as an argument for me to trust him with the rest of my Books: Though I should have made this use of his confession, not to deal with him further, yet he promising all honesty for the future, I again agreed to trust him with my whole Stock, and thereby did I agree to cheat my self; for though it was his fault to cheat me the first time, yet now it was only mine, to let him do it after so fair a knowledge as he did; for though he lived some years after that, yet I could never get any considerable returns for my Stock of Books, and he in the late great Contagion dying, was considerably indebted to me, and I hoping to get what he owed me, ventured to possess my self of his Estate, and pay several Debts which he owed to others: but they proved so many, and his Estate so small, that I was worse than I was before; and this gave me so sensible a squeeze that I yet am sensible of.

And this is the only occasion that hath again made me engage my self in the Book-selling employment: which although I have now used above twelve years, and in that time laid out several hundreds of pounds in Printing, yet I was never engaged in printing any Book that was another mans Propriety, except when I was drawn in by the three Booksellers, and as I have already told you, and which was so much to my loss: And as for my Trading in the Scriveners employment, where it is usual for most of that Trade to keep the best bargains of Lands and Houses for themselves, and put off the worst to their Customers, I have not done so, but it hath been my unhappiness to have the worst bargains of houses of any, which I still keep: and though they did cost me many hundreds of pounds, yet they are rather a trouble, than any addition to the rest of my estate. And if I was ever guilty of dealing hardly with, or griping any of my Clients when I was a publick practitioner, (as I cannot remember any such action,) I am sure I have been (since I left the publick Profession of a Scrivener) worse served by some of that quality, with whom I have had some particular dealing.

I have given you this account of my transactions, to acquaint you how Roguishly I have been dealt with, and that I am (and must needs be, out of all these experiences) able to give you a considerable account of the greatest Knaveries and Cheats of these two Trades. And what hath cost me so dear, I here (for publick good) present to you for a small price; for I’le assure you, I have oftentimes had a Fee given me for my Advice in one of these many Cases were opened by the Scrivener, and that part of this Book (if well considered and understood) may and will be of very great use and consequence to any person who hath any converse in the world. Besides the Knaveries and Cheats of these two Trades, you have those of several others, as a Barber-chyrurgeon, a Tapster, a Cook, a Lock-smith, Taylor, Baker, Plaisterer, Drugster, and many others; and in pourtraying of them I have not affected words but matter, I have written as I would have spoken, and as much in little as possibly I could. Here is that which (I hope) will please all humours, both the frollick and the serious, nay some of the factious too will buy this Part as well as the first; and to make that out, I’le tell you a late, but true story.

The Author of the first Part being with a Friend at an Ale-house, drinking at a publick fire (there being also at the same time two Crop-ear’d fellows) he accidentally was talking about the Book, and relating to his Friend the trouble he under-went at the first publishing thereof, by reason it was not then licensed. Yes, said his Friend, I remember that some of the Clergy were very much offended, and you as well as the Printers, were like to have suffered Imprisonment. Why, what was the matter; said one of these fellows, what were the Bishops troubled at it? Yes, said the Author, I was forced to absent my self for some dayes, till the heat of the matter was over: having said thus, he left the room at present, and the two men taking the opportunity of his absence, enquired of his Friend what he was, and what was the reason of the Bishops anger? To this his Friend replyed, that the Author was a very honest man, (which they in their terms interpret Fanatick) and that all the reason of the trouble was, because it was not Licensed. Well, said one of them, can he help me to some of them? Yes, said his Friend: and by this time the Author being returned, he was acquainted by his Friend with the request of the two strangers, and they likewise again desiring of it, he furnished them at present with a dozen, for which he had a greater price than usual, and then they desired to have more to give to their friends, thinking to have found some Fanatick Doctrine: so eager are these sort of people to buy any thing that is unlicensed, following the Proverb, that stolen meat is sweetest: But I believe they were not very well pleased when they, or their Fanatick brethren (to whom they presented them) had perused them: but it is possible that (though they were mistaken in the main) yet they might be well enough pleased in the private reading, and that as in a Looking-glass they might see some of those crimes lively represented, whereof they had been guilty.

Thus I say this Book hath been bought up by all sorts of people, and I my self at the first publishing the first Part, presented one of them to an Acquaintance of mine, who (I believe) had been knavish enough, and a Preacher of several perswasions, he read it over, and at my next sight of him I asked him his opinion of it? Truly, said he, there are many various Cheats and Rogueries, but if the Author had my experience and practice, he might write a Book ten times bigger, and more full of brave Cheats, and considerable Rogueries, things worth attempting, whereas these are but foolish and idle, and for the most part unprofitable. I who was partly acquainted with many passages of his life, knew he spake true then, and have here in this second Part had a touch at him, but far short of what I know of him, it not being convenient to tell truth at all times. I have likewise met with several other adventurers and transactions in the world, where I (through the frankness and easiness of my nature) have still come off the abused party; part of which I have here sprinkled up and down, and the rest I reserve till more time and conveniency to publish among other things in a third Part. And this Book though (by reason of the extraordinariness of some passages) it may seem a Romance, yet I’le assure ye there is nothing but the truth, naked as she ought to be, in plain colours; for like the first Draught of a Painter, I have only laid on the dead colours without any flourishes, varnishes, or adornments; and though that be the first, yet it is commonly the greatest piece of Art, and seldom mended or altered, but spoiled: and so in my writing of this, I have not varied in any thing from my first thoughts, which have been swift and full of matter, and therefore need not in so plain a case any embellishments, so that here you shall hardly meet with a piece of Poetry, and that which is, is just to the matter, not sorted or strained, but natural and free; neither have I borrowed any Sentences out of any Authors, to embellish and add lustre to my writing: what I have done, (and that is but little) I will tell you of.

And now I have told you in general what you are to expect, I will likewise give you a short account of my particular method, and so conclude. First, the Author of the first Part having left his Rogue a married man, and an Inhabitant in the East-Indies, I was obliged to lay my Scene there, and go thither to find him, where I give an account not only of his manner of living, and how he spent his time there, but also of the Government, Manners, and Customs, both Ecclesiastical and Civil of the Countrey; and I have spent one whole long Chapter in acquainting you with their Religion, which though it may seem strange and extravagant, yet it is no more than the truth, as I can prove from good Authors from whence I had it. I likewise cause our Rogue to sum up his fore-passed life, with some small reflections, and I bring into his company four male, and two female Companions, as good Boys and Girls as ever twang’d. They coming from England only on a Ramble, are thought very fit Companions, and the lives of these travellers are related to our Rogue by one of the Company. This relation is full of variety, and though long, yet (I hope) will not be thought tedious nor improper: for the length I must crave pardon, for I could not well avoid it, and I was forced (though improperly enough) to make breaks to divide it into Chapters.

I have not only taken pains in describing the Laws, Manners, and Customs of the Natives with my Pen, but for your greater pleasure and satisfaction, the Graver hath been at work to present you the Figure of them, the most lively I could contrive in so narrow a compass. You have likewise another Figure of all our Lads and Lasses together in one of their Tavern Frolicks.

I have had so much work to do in bringing these Companions to our Rogue in the Indies, and relating what they are (in which I have spent much oyl and labour) that I cannot this bout, bring him over to England as is expected; but I’le allure you (if you accept this, as I question not) that I shall hereafter attend him through other Countries, and with a great Train of Attendants or Companions bring him again to his native Countrey of Ireland, and so to England, where he and his Company may do such acts as shall raise wonder in the Readers. But let this suffice at present.

And now I have almost done with the Preface, which though it be long, yet I like it better to have it so, than to fill up a Sheet or two of Paper with Commendatory Verses, which some Authors covet, and are very proud of, and rather than go without, will write themselves: This I could have done or procured, but esteeming all that can be written in that nature to be nothing, unless the reader approves the Book, who is now so wise as not to trust to another mans judgment, I therefore declined that, and I hope when the Preface is read over, it will not be thought wholly impertinent; for I have therein laid down some reasons for this my manner of writing. But some ignorant Readers commonly skip over the Preface, running greedily to the matter, and so they will use me; and having read the Book will say, that I had better have spared my self the trouble and cost, for here is nothing but what they already are acquainted with. To you who are so knowing and well experienced, I answer you with this Request, That you will do as much for publick good, as I have intended by writing this (and I hope done) and in order thereunto write and publish your Experiences, and I promise you I’le be a Customer for one of them, and encourage others to be so; and though it may not be so well as what I have written, (that is, so full of profitable Experiences) yet it will be a hard case if there be not somewhat worth the knowing: If my judgment tells me that it is better, I’le acknowledge it, and I and the other Readers shall be the more obliged to you for your pains; and I had rather gain experience and knowledge thus by reading then dealing with some of you, and be out-witted and snapt. Though it is true, that that wit is best that is bought, yet I know a man may pay too dear for it, (as hitherto I have done) and therefore, and to the end that other men may learn by my harms (as the Latine Sentence is, Felix quem faciunt aliena pericula cautum, He is happy that is warn’d by other mens harms) I have written this which I am sure may be profitable, and I hope not in the least hurtful. Wherefore Reader, I pray put on Charity for thy Spectacles, and read on.

Yours, F. K.

THE
ENGLISH ROGUE

Continued in the Life of

MERITON LATROON,

And other

EXTRAVAGANTS.

Part II.

CHAP. I.

He discourses of the manner of Government, of the Inhabitants of the East-Indies; a small Voyage by Sea, where he is in danger by a Tempest, and a Malabar Man of War, but escapes both; he makes some rambles into the Country, and returning home has some reflections on his fore passed life.

I was now arrived at the Meridian of my age, and enjoyed such a plenty of every thing, that I soon forgot the many miseries I had lately suffered, since my banishment from England. I governed my Family with a most absolute command, and received a willing obedience as well from my Wife, as all our Servants, and during the stay of our English Ships, I gained very much by entertaining my Country-men with necessaries. I kept so punctual a correspondence with the Banian Merchants, that I could command any thing; and by their means found the way of Trading, by which I considerably enriched my self; so that at the departure of the English Fleet, I having cast up an account of my Estate, found that I had gained above 2000 Rupees, (which being the Country money, and worth about 2 s. a piece, amounted to 200 l.) also I had a good parcel of Diamonds, besides those I had cheated the Banian of at my first arrival; several other Commodities I had by me, which (with my Houshold-stuff which was considerable) did in all amount to a great value. The Fleet being departed, the chief of our Trading ceased, and now it was vacation time, and I (hating idleness, and somewhat weary of my Wives company) being desirous of Novelty, set out to view the Country: to which end taking money with me, and all other necessaries, I hired an Indian Coach, which is a kind of a Chariot with two wheels, and will hold about four persons; this Coach was drawn with two Oxen, who will travel about thirty miles a day: my charge was not much, for about eighteen-pence a day paid my Coach-man, and kept his Cattel. Thus did I ramble about the Country, visiting other of my acquaintance, where I had a full enjoyment of every thing the Country afforded: for we had not only the Country drink called Toddee, which is made of the juyce of several Trees, and Punch which is made of Rack-lime, or lime-water, Sugar, Spices, and sometimes the addition of Amber-greese, but we likewise drank great quantities of Persian Wine, which is much like Claret, and brought from that Country in Bottles. These were our drinks whereof we drank plentifully, and oftentimes to excess; our meat was chiefly Rice, with Beans, and Turkeys, Beef and Mutton, and sometimes Veal and Lamb; this was my ordinary diet, but the Banians eat no flesh, accounting it criminal, it being contrary to their Religion to kill any thing; the chiefest exercise we had was playing at Nine-pins, a game I was well acquainted with in England, and therefore could well enough deal with the Natives, though they were expert therein. Though I pleased my self in these things, yet there was still wanting the only thing which had alwayes made my life pleasant to me, and that was the company of Women, for without their pleasing society in a full enjoyment I reckoned I had nothing, and therefore upon every turn found them out; but I must now be contented with the Natives, who although they are not so fair as the women of our European Countries, yet they may pass well enough, for their complexions are commonly of a tawny hiew, but they are richly adorned with Pearl and other Jewels; I speak of those who were Mercenary. There is no Town but had two or three of these Brothel-houses, which were allowed of; neither was it any disgrace to be seen therein; the handsomest women are here: the Matron of the house is furnished with several, who she purchases sometimes of their own Parents, who sell them, not accounting it an injury to dispose them to this purpose. These old Bawds are as cunning as those of our Country, for they will sell a Maidenhead two or three times over, for which they will sometimes have twenty or thirty Rupees, according to the goodness of the Commodity, and good will of the purchaser, who shall enjoy his bargain for two or three dayes or nights together, either at their lodgings, or at home at their own houses; neither do their Wives dare to contradict their Husbands therein, for they will oftentimes bring home one of these Lasses, and lodge them in a Cot in the same room with their Wives, and lye with them as often as they please, and when they have done with them send them home again.

I tryed several of these Bona Roba’s, who pleased me very well, for what they wanted in beauty they supplyed in respect and willingness to comply with and please me in all my desires; and though many times they have the Pox, by reason of their heat and activity, yet they value it not, for they are so well acquainted and furnished with remedies, that they soon cure themselves, and the men who accompany them: my ramble being finished, I returned home, and though my Wife knew I had been at several of these Brothels, yet I was joyfully received and welcomed by her. We keeping a publick house, had all sorts of guests, and now being at leisure I discoursed with several of the Brammanes who are their Priests, who informed me not only of the Civil but Ecclesiastical Government of the Nation: for though I supposed them Heathens, yet I found that they followed a rule in their livings to which they strictly tied themselves: They in general gave me this account, that they are governed by a Kingly Monarch, who is called the Great Mogul, he is absolute in his Dominions, and all his subjects are his slaves; all the Land and Houses throughout his Dominions are his own, and the Inhabitants or occupiers are only his Tenants, and pay a valuable rent for what they enjoy, which is annually collected by Officers to that purpose appointed, and paid into his Exchequer; this he bestows at his own pleasure, or spends in making War with his Enemies, who are chiefly the Tartars, and sometimes the Persians; they have frequently Civil Wars amongst themselves upon the death of their Prince, if he leaves more Sons than one behind him; for he who last ruled, and was Father of this present Mogul, made his way to the Empire by the death of eleven of his Brethren, he himself being the youngest when he dyed, which is not long since; three of his sons survived him, who all immediately raised great Armies either to gain the Empire, or lose their lives in general.

The two youngest having assembled all their well-willers and friends, with considerable Armies approached one another, a River now only parting them.

The eldest of the two dispatched a Messenger to his Brother, to tell him that he was very well satisfied in his taking Armes, and since he was in such readiness, if he pleased he would joyn forces with him, and assault their elder Brother, who being vanquisht they would divide the Government. The youngest Brother willingly assenting to these propositions, came over to him, but no sooner was he in his power, but he caused both his eyes to be put out, (thereby disenabling him from the Government) and soon gaining the Captains of his Brothers Army to his party, he joyned Forces, and causing his blind Brother to be carried with him, advanced to meet and oppose his elder Brother; in short time they met, and fought each other with various success, but in fine he conquered his Brother, and depriving him of life, as the other of sight, he now remains sole Monarch of this large Empire.

The old Mogul died infinitely rich, for he left eight Tancks of coyned Money, each Tanck esteemed to hold ten millions of Rupees; and indeed it is no great marvel, for he hath some of his Subjects, especially the Banian Merchants, that are very rich, all whose treasure he will command at his own will; there is one Banian whose name is Vergore, who was the chiefest Merchant of his Tribe, and hath most of the Stocks of his fellows in his hand; to him the Great Mogul sent for money, to which message he sent this answer, That he would presently furnish his Highness with a hundred Carts loaden with ready money. The Mogul hearing this, ordered him to keep it till he sent again, or had further occasion. The English have great priviledges, for they pay less Duties and Customes than the Natives, for the Banian Merchants will sometimes hire an English man to go to Sea with them in their Juncks, which are great Barks, not to do any service in the voyage, but only to own the Goods, that they may save several Taxes and Duties that else must be paid, as Anchorage and Moorage. I one time was asked by a Banian of my acquaintance, whether I would go to Sea with him, and he would give me a considerable recompence: he told me that I should only wear my hat, eat my victuals, and when we came to our Port own the Goods; being desirous of seeing fashions I consented, and our Junck being loaden, we set sail and departed: but never was I accompanied with such Sailers, for the Junck (which is much like a close Lighter) was deeply loaded with Callicoes, it carried above 1000 Tun: the wind being fair, all the tackling was nailed down and fastned, so that when we had been four dayes at Sea, the wind contrary to custome changed: but though it began to be tempestuous, yet all our men being then at dinner, there was none would leave their eating to handle the sails, or alter the tackling; dinner being ended, I perswaded them with much adoe to go to work, but it was some hours ere they had loosned their tackling, so as to lower their sails, and by that time we were driven out of knowledge; the winds there are usually so constant, that they never make provision to handle their sails, and alter them, but commonly as they fix them at their setting out, so they continue till they come to their Port, where instead of an Anchor they carry a very great stone, fastned by an iron ring to their Cable, which they let down while they stay, but take up when they go away; and then they alter their sails, sitting them to the wind to bring them back; they continue in that manner to the end of the Voyage.

But now it falling out otherwise, great was their trouble, not knowing how to behave themselves: and although there was forty men on board, and they all well enough acquainted with Navigation in those parts, yet I that was but of one years standing was their best instructor, or else we had been lost and perished; most of our sails being now taken down, and the wind ceasing, we by the next day came into our knowledge, but met with another misfortune, which was like to prove worse than the former, for we discovered a Junck, though nothing near so big as ours, yet better man’d, and was indeed a Malabar Man of War, and our professed Enemy, who are used to infest those Seas with their Pyracies; our Seamen being sensible of the desperateness of our condition, were greatly dismayed, but I (who was formerly used to be dead-hearted enough) did now become valorous, and encouraged them by words and actions, for considering the badness of my own condition, being likely not only to lose what Estate I had lately gathered, but at least wise my liberty, and it may be my life, (for many of these Malabars do kill and feed on their Prisoners) these considerations I say possessed me with so much courage, that I was resolved to try my utmost power to defend my self from my Enemies; we were by chance accompanied by ten Moors called Rashpoots, who being alwayes brought up in Wars, never go unarmed; these persons being more courageous than the rest, by my example, put themselves into a posture of defence, and the other Seamen had Swords and other weapons put into their hands, to keep the Enemy from boarding us: we had eight great Guns in our Junck, which were carried more for ornament than use, for they knew not how to discharge them against an Enemy to advantage, (they being as well as their tackling and sails, fixed to one place) only served to be shot off in triumph, and make a noise, but would not be well levelled to carry a Bullet to do execution. I seeing this inconvenience, took such order therein that the Guns were placed so as to dammage our Enemy, who now approaching us, came close up towards us, but he found a hotter entertainment than he expected, for we killed several of his men with our first broad-side; the only weapons our Enemies had were great stones, which they threw at us in abundance; but we having again charged our great Guns, and all the small ones we had aboard, gave them such a peal as was the funeral knel to many of them; by this time they were discouraged, and our men seeing the good success we had came all in sight and every one taking a great stone which had been thrown to us by the Enemy, gave them such an onset with the stones, as now made them think of giving over their enterprize, which we compelled them to do, so soon as we had given them another broad side, and once more discharged all our small guns: this gave them so general a blow that they Vered about and left us to prosecute our Voyage. Our Enemies being gone, I called all our men together to see what damage we had sustained, and upon enquiry found that we had not lost a man: but about half a dozen broken heads and faces was all the harm we had received.

I was generally applauded for my courage, and the chief owner of the Goods not only rendred me infinite thanks, but promised me a great reward, which was justly paid me at the end of our voyage: I told them that I much wondred at the manner of our Enemies fight, but I received this answer, that they seldome used any other weapons than stones, which they carried in great plenty, trusting to them and their great numbers: for the Bark that set upon us had above a hundred men in her, and would have certainly taken us, had I not made so good a fight with our Guns, which was a thing unusual for them to meet with, not suspecting that we could make any use of them, otherwise then to shoot upright as was usual, but they found the contrary to their cost: for I suppose we had the good fortune to kill several of them, which so disheartned them, that they left us as I told you; and thus we meeting with no more obstruction, in two moneths time finished our voyage, and returned home, where I received 500 Rupees as a recompence for my good service.

I was joyfully received at home by my Wife, and acquired a very good esteem of all by this my valourous exploit, and had many advantageous offers to go again on the same account; but I valuing my pleasure more than profit, which was hazardous, declined the propositions, and now rested my self at home, only making some excursions to visit the best of my friends, who failed not to welcome me, being the handsomest Women, to whom I made my self welcome. Sometimes I travelled to the adjacent Towns, where I visited the pleasant Gardens, and other times I went further to the Cities, which being well built with Brick, had pleasant Platforms or Turrets on the top; many of the Cities were walled, and fortifyed with Castles for their defence: I seldome went without a couple of attendants, which are called Puisns, who were my daily servants; these were a sort of Banians who served me for four shillings a moneth a piece, and out of that found themselves diet, unless they travelled far from home, and then I allowed each of them but three half pence a piece per day to buy them victuals and drink, which was only Cutkeree Butter, Toddee, with which they were very well satisfied; neither indeed doth the Consul give much more to his Servitors, for his chief Puisn hath but twelve shillings per moneth, and out of that he keeps a horse and a servant to attend him. They are very diligent and faithful in what they are intrusted with, but so soon as they perceive a New Moon, they tell their Master of it, that they may pay them their wages.

Having now satisfied my curiosity in these travels, and being returned home, I began to consider with my self my fore-passed life: then it was I did run over these several accidents that had formerly befallen me.

As first, how I committed Rogueries when but a Boy, and ran away from my Mother, (of whom I had never since so much as heard or enquired) I had some reflections thereupon, and what my Mother might Judge was become of me: Then did I call to mind the rogueries I committed, when among the Gypsies and Beggars, and how with them I first tryed and tasted the pleasure of a Female companion, from that my apprentiship, and the several adventures I had, and the pleasant nights lodgings, I enjoyed not only with the Maid, but the Mistress: how after the Maid, whom I had gotten with Child, was delivered, I dispatcht her and child to Virginia, and soon after by mine and my Mistresses extravagancies sent my Master first to Prison, and so out of the world, my Mistress her self not long surviving him: being then a freeman, I married, but was justly enough fitted for my disloyalty by my wives incontinency, which with my own prodigality soon consumed me, enforced me to leave England for Ireland, which being my first great remove, I seriously reflected on not knowing where I should end my dayes, I being now far distant from the place of my Nativity; but I bethinking my self that my only livelyhood depended there in my viril strength, not that I was exposed to carry burthens, or labour in the day time, but in the night, in Venerial combats, where I received equal pleasure: and indeed I having run through the whole course of my life, found, that by the favourable and good opinion of women (which was not undeserved) I had not only preserved my self, but many times raised my self a sufficient fortune: as I had lately done by marrying with my Moorish Wife, in which present condition I concluded my self much better than when I was in Ireland tyed to my old woman, who only paid me and gave me money according to the service I did her, and was then again old and peevish, and above all things very jealous; whereas now I was my own pay-master, and though my bed-fellow was not fair, yet she was young and pleasant, and so far from jealousie, that she her self sometimes would procure me a young girl, the fairest in the country to lye with me, and she also lying by me, and taking much pleasure therein.

Then did I proceed in the thoughts of my former life, and considered the many dangers I underwent, all the time I followed my padding employment, and though I then usually wore money enough in my Pocket, and sometimes met with some female adventures, as the Farmers Daughter, the Poetick Widdow, and my Female Robbers, and others in whose converse I took much pleasure, yet I was in all these pleasures still accompanied with fear of being snapt, as indeed I was at last and likely to be trus't up: but that my penitence wrought so upon my friends as to procure my sentence of death, to be altered into that of banishment: which had through many miseries and cross adventures brought me hither, where I received the full enjoyment of all things: this consideration took me up much time, and possessed me with some virtuous thoughts, believing that I had not been preserved and reserved from so many hazards but for some good end; and now I had a fair opportunity of declining Vice, and living vertuously, I not being likely to be exposed to any such Roguish shifts or courses as formerly, these thoughts of virtue made way for those of Religion, and now it was that I seriously considered of that Word in general, and being (though little practised in) yet well enough acquainted with the Christian Religion, I wondered at the absurdity of the Religion of other Nations, especially of the Country wherein I now lived; and having been curious in the enquiry of the grounds thereof, I had received a good account, though little satisfaction; but since it is a Novelty, and may well enough suit with the following discourse, which will consist of several and variety of Knaveries and Cheatings, whereof I suppose this of this Countries Religion may very well bear a part: I shall give you a short account thereof in this following chapter.

CHAP. II.

The Original Religion and Worship of the Banians and Persees, with all their Castes and Tribes.

This large part of the World which is governed by the Great Mogul, is inhabited by these three sort of People, Banians, Moor-men or Rashpoots, and Persees; the several Religions or Worships of the first and last, viz. the Banians and Persees, I shall here give you an account of; but for the Moors or Rashpoots, they have little esteem for any Religion in particular, and being for the most part Souldiers, are of the Great Moguls Religion, which is partly Mahometan, I shall therefore begin with the Banians, who believe in one God, and that he created the World out of nothing, and that after this manner; first he having the four Elements of Air, Earth, Fire, and Water for a ground-work, by some great Cane or such like instrument, blew upon the waters, which arose into a bubble of a round form like an Egg, which spreading itself made the Firmament so clear and transparent, which now compasseth the World about; after this there remaining true liquid substance in the Earth, God made of both these together a thing round like a Ball, which is called the lower World; the more solid part became Earth, the liquid Sea, both which making one Globe, he by a great noise or huming sound placed them in the midst of the Firmament, there he created the Sun and Moon to distinguish times and seasons, and the four Elements which were before mixed, were now separated and assigned to their several places, and discharged their several offices; the Air filled up the empty parts, the Fire nourished with heat, the Earth and Sea brought forth their living creatures, and then was the World created; and as it had its beginning from four Elements, so it was measured by four points, East, West, North and South, and was to be continued for four Ages, to be peopled by four Casts or sorts of men, who were to be married by four sorts of women appointed for them. The World being made, Man was likewise made out of the Earth, God putting him into life, and he worshipping his Creator; Woman was likewise made and given to him as a companion; the first mans name was Pourous, and the womans name was Parcoutee, and they lived together as man and wife, feeding on the fruits of the earth, not destroying any living Creature.

These two had four sons called Brammon, Cuttery, Shuddery, and Wyse, who were of different and distinct nature from each other, for Brammon was of an earthly constitution, and therefore Melancholly; Cuttery fiery, and therefore Martial; Shuddery flegmatick, and therefore Peaceable; Wyse airey, and therefore full of contrivances and inventions. Brammon being melancholly and ingenious, God gave him knowledge, and appointed him to impart his Laws, and therefore gave him a Book containing the form of Divine Worship and Religion; Cuttery being Martial, had power to govern Kingdoms, and therefore had a Sword given him; Shuddery being mild and conversable, it was thought fit that he should be a Merchant and Traffick, and therefore had a pair of Ballances and a bag of Weights hung at his girdle; and Wyse being airey, was appointed for a Mechanick or Handicrafts man, and therefore had a bag of several sorts of tools.

These were the first men, and these their qualities, (according to the Banian tradition) that peopled the Earth; Pourous and Parcoutee had no daughters, because the sons should go elsewhere to find them wives, which were made for them, and placed at the four winds; the four sons being grown up to mans age, were commanded to travel; And,

First, Brammon with his Book in his hand took his journey towards the rising of the Sun in the East; for the place where they were born, and their Parents created, was in the Middle or Navel of the world, the Sun at Noon-day casting no shadow. Brammon taking his journey, as is said, towards the East, arrived at a goodly Mountain, before which was a Valley, through which there passed a Brook; in the descent of which there appeared a Woman a drinking. This Woman was of black hair, yellow Complexion, of an indifferent size, and a modest aspect, and indeed in every thing made, as if made for her beholder; who being naked, and seeing her to be so, was more bashful than the Woman, who first brake silence, by questioning the cause of his coming thither.

Brammon hearing her spake, and that in his own Language, thus reply’d, That the great God, who made all things had sent him thither: The Woman seeing his Book, asked the use of it; whereupon he opening it, shewed her the Contents thereof; and after some other discourse the consented to be married to him, according to the form prescribed in that book; which being done, they lay together, and had many children, who peopled the East part of the world: this Womans name was Savatree.

Cuttery the 2d. Brother, was sent upon the same account to the West part of the world, and taking his sword in his hand, he advanced on his journey; but not meeting with any adventure or occasion to make use thereof, he was much troubled; desiring above all things, that he might meet with some people whereon he might exercise his courage: thus impatiently did he proceed on his journey, till he arrived near a high Mountain, where he might behold a Personage who was walking with a Martial pace, and coming nearer, found to be a Woman armed with a weapon call’d a Chuckery: They were no sooner met, but they encountred, and set upon one another; but though he expected a sudden conquest, yet was he deceived therein, for his adversary held him in play all that day, till night parted them. The next day also they wholly spent in fight; he gained no advantage over his female enemy, only at the cloze of the day, he had the fortune to cut her weapon in two; but the night coming on, she escaped from him, without any further damage.

The next day she was provided with Bow and Arrows, and then had a great advantage over him, because she could wound him at a distance, and he could not hurt her without a close fight; he being sensible of this odds, clozed with her, and by main strength threw her down, holding her by the hair of the head; when having a perfect view of her beauties, instead of an enemy, he became a lover of this beautiful object; and that he might gain her affections, he threw by his weapons, and applyed himself to her in fair speeches, to which she was attentive; and he at length became so prevalent, that they at present plighted troths to one another, and of enemies, not only at that instant became friends; but in short time after, living together, and Nature dictating to them what must be done for the procreation of their like, they tasted the fruit of Loves garden, and had many children, who peopled the West part of the World; this Womans name was Toddicastree.

Chuddery the 3d. Son, who was the Merchant-man, was sent to the North with his ballance and weights, and he after much travel happened on a place where he found Pearls, and a Rock or Mine of Diamonds; and believing them (by reason of their great luster in the dark) of some extraordinary value, took some of them with him, and special notice of the place, that he might find it again; and so proceeding on his journey, came to the place where was the Woman that was to be his Wife, who was wandring by the side of a Wood; she, seeing him, became fearful; but he coming to her, and giving her good words, won upon her to stay and receive him into her company; and after an account of his journey, which she concluded was purposely designed to her, because they understood one anothers speech, he bestowed some of his Pearls and Diamonds upon her; in time they proving the comforts of the conjoyned state, had several children, who peopled the North part of the World, and became Merchant-men: he afterwards travelling with them, shewed them the rock of Diamonds; this Womans name was Visagundah.

Wyse, the 4th. and youngest of the Brethren, went also to the South parts of the World, and carried his tools with him, whereby he was able to build a house, or perform any other piece of work needful for the use of man; he was forced to pass over seven Seas, at each place making a Vessel, and leaving it behind him: the last Sea was called Pashurbatee, and brought him to a Land called Derpe, where he built him a house to live in, which he did with much content, till the Woman appointed for him came thither to behold the same: She was very amiable and white, and her hair was powdred with Saunders and other Odours: She first spake to him, demanding how he came thither; He answered her, that the Almighty had sent him, and he had taken great pains by coming over seven Seas to wait on her: She was displeased with his discourse and house, telling him that she needed him not; and notwithstanding all his perswasions, left him: he afterwards met her walking in the Woods; but could not prevail with her to continue with him; but left him much troubled. After this, he being in a profound melancholy, walking abroad, came to a parcel of trees, under which he placed himself, and there prayed to his Creator, that he might not lose his labour, in coming so far to find a Woman that would not converse with him: To this prayer he had answer, that his request should be granted, on condition, that for the future he would erect Images, and adore, and worship them under green trees: To this he consented, and at the next meeting he gained the good will of this Woman who was named Jejunnogundah, so that she became his wife, by whom he had several children that peopled the South.

These Four Brethren being thus dispersed at the 4 several parts of the earth, and having peopled the same, were all desirous of returning to their own Country from whence they came, to see their Father and Mother, and recount their several adventures to them, and to that end, leaving their children behind, they and their wives travelled so long, till they came to the place; where they were first joyfully received of their Parents; and then of each other; there they likewise had several other children, begetting several generations, that all the world might be instructed in their several qualities, by Brammon in matters of Religion, by Cuttery in Rule and Governments, by Shuddery in Traffick and Merchandize, and by Wyse in matters of Handicrafts; of which four Casts the world consisteth, every one of them living in his several quality, keeping his tribe free from confusion or interfeering; and thus the world was peopled: but in time, multitude begat difference, and disorder, and mischief, and every person disagreed with the other, every one producing new and various differences, as well in matters of Religion and Worship, as in all other affairs, when the Almighty for the wickedness of mankind sent a flood which came and destroyed all the Creatures of the earth; and this according to the tradition of the Banians, was the first Age of the world.

This world of Creatures being destroyed, others were made in this manner: The Almighty first made out of the earth these three Creatures, Breman, Vistney and Ruddery, and gave great power to them; to Breman he gave the power of making Creatures, because say the Banians, as great persons do not their work but by Deputies, so neither was it fit that God should be servile to his Creatures, but give to them their being by his Instruments. To the second, which was Vistney, he gave charge to preserve the Creatures: But to the third, which was Ruddery, he gave power to destroy them, because he knew they would be wicked, and deserve Judgments. Breman was to be taken up to Heaven in conclusion of the second age. Vistney was to live as long again as Breman, and Ruddery was to continue three times as long, and then he should destroy all the world, which should be the great day of Judgement.

Breman according to the power given him, produced man and Woman out of his own bowels, who being instructed by him gave worship to God, and reverence to him: the man was by him named Mamaw, and the Woman Ceterrupa; they were sent to the East, and there they had three sons and three daughters, who were sent severally to the West, North and South, which were peopled by them: thus man being made by Breman, Vistney provided things necessary for them, and Ruddery dispersed afflictions, sicknesses and death, as men did deserve them.

It was now necessary say the Banians, that the Law should be given, according to which they should live; and therefore Breman being called up into a Mountain, the Almighty gave him out of a cloud a book, which the Banians call the Shaster, wherein was written their Lawes; this book consisted of three Tracts.

The first, whereof contained their Moral Law, and an Explication or Appropriation of the precepts to every several Tribe and Cast.

The second, was their Ceremonial Law.

The third, distinguished them into Casts or Tribes, with peculiar observations for each Cast and Tribe.

The first Tract of the Moral Law contained eight commandements.

1. That they should kill no living Creature, because like man it had a soul.

2. That they should make a Covenant with their five senses: the Eyes not to see evil things, the Ears not to hear evil things, the Tongue not to speak evil, the Pallat not to taste, as wine or flesh, the hands not to touch any thing defiled.

3. That they should duly observe the times of devotion in washing, worship, &c.

4. That they should not tell false tales to deceive.

5. That they should be charitable to the poor.

6. That they should not oppress their poor brethren.

7. That they should celebrate certain Festivals, not pampering the body, but fasting and watching, to be fitter for devotion.

8. That they should not steal, though never so little.

These eight are bestowed among the four Tribes or Casts, to each two Commandements: to the Brammanes, which are the Priests, the first and second, as being strictest in Religion. To Shuddery they appropriate the third and fourth, as most proper to them. To Cuttery the fifth, and sixth, and to Wyse, the seventh and eighth: they are all enjoyned to keep all the Commandements, but more particularly those that are appropriated to their several Casts.

The second Tract of the Book delivered to Breman, comprized certain ceremonial injunctions, which are these.

First, washing their bodies in rivers, in memory of the deluge, in which they use this ceremony: first, they besmear their bodies in the mud of the River, as an emblem of mans filthyness; and then coming into the water and turning their faces towards the Sun, the Bramman prayes, that as the body which is foul as the mud of the River which is cleansed by water, so that his sin may be in like manner cleansed; and then the party plunging himself three times in the River, and shaking in his hand some grains of Rice as an offering on the water: he receiveth absolution for his sins past, and is dismissed.

2. The ceremony of anointing the fore head with red painting, as a peculiar mark which they often renew.

3. They are enjoyned to tender certain prayers and offerings under green trees, the original of which custom they derive from Wyse, to whom they say God appeared in a Vision under a tree; the tree particularly appropriated for this worship, is called Ficu Indica, as, vide Sr. W. Rawleigh, for which tree they have a very great esteem.

4. They are enjoyned prayers in their Temples, where they offer to Images with ringing and loud tinckling of bells and such like impertinent services.

5. They are enjoyned Pilgrimage to rivers remote, as Ganges, where they throw in, as offerings, Jewels and Treasure of great value.

6. They use Invocation of Saints, and for all their affairs they have several Saints they invoke for assistance.

7. Their law binds them to give worship to God, upon sight of any of his Creatures first seen after Sun rise, especially to the Sun and Moon, which they call the two eyes of God, as also to some Beasts.

8. In baptizing children, there is difference in the Casts, for the Brammanes are extraordinary: the rest of the children are only washt in water, with a short prayer, that God would write good things in the front of the child, all present saying Amen. They name the child, putting a red oyntment on the midst of his forehead, and the ceremony is done. But the children of the Cast of the Brammanes are not only washed with water, but anoynted with oyl with these words: Oh Lord, we present unto thee this child, born of a holy Tribe, anointed with oyl, and cleansed with water; unto which they add other ceremonies, then they enquire the exact time of the childs birth, and calculate his Nativity, which they keep by them and give them at the day of their marriage.

9. As for their marriages, their time is different from other Nations, for they marry at 7 years of age, they are usually contracted by their Parents; which being agreed on, they send presents, and use many triumphant perambulations about the town for two dayes; and then at the going down of the Sun they use this ceremony. A fire is made and interposed between the young couple, to intimate the ardency of their affections; then there is a silken string that encloses both their bodies, to witness the insolveable bond of wedlock; after this bond, there is a cloth interposed betwixt them, a custom taken from the meeting of Brammon and Savatre, who covered themselves till the words of matrimony were uttered, so the Brammanes pronouncing certain words, enjoyning the man to provide for the Woman, and her to loyalty, and pronouncing the blessing of a fruitful issue, the speech is concluded; the cloth interposed is taken away; the bond which ingirted them, unloosed; full freedom is given them to communicate with one another; they give no dowry, only the Jewels worn on the Bridal day; none come to the feast, but those of the same Tribe or Cast: no Woman is admitted to second marriage, except the Tribe of Wyse, which are the handicrafts; men in all Tribes may marry twice except the Bramanes, every Tribe marries in their own Casts, and the Tribe of the Wyse not only marry in their own Tribe, but in their own trade: as a Barber or Smiths son, must marry a Barber or Smiths daughter of the same Tribe.

10. Which is the last, is the ceremony of their burials; when any is sick to death, they enjoyn him to utter Narrane, which is one of the names of God, importing mercy to sinners: they pour fair water into his hand, praying to Kistnetuppon, the God of the water, to present him pure to God; he being dead, his body is washed, and after buried in this manner. They carry the body to a rivers side and being set down, the Brammane uttereth these words. Oh earth! we commend unto thee this our brother, whilst he lived thou hadst an interest in him, of the earth he was made, by the blessing of the earth he was fed, and therefore now he is dead, we surrender him to thee: after this putting combustible matter to the body, lighted by the help of sweet oyl, the Brammane saith, Oh fire, whilst he lived thou hadst a claim in him, by whose natural heat he subsisted, we return therefore his body to thee that thou shouldst purge it. Then the son of the deceased sets two pots, one with water, and the other with milk on the ground; the pot with milk on the top of the other, and with a stone breaks the pot with water, whereby the water and milk are both spoiled; upon which account the son thus moralizeth, That as the stone makes the vessels yield, so did sickness ruin his Fathers body, which is then burnt to ashes, which are thrown into the air, the Brammane uttering these words, Oh air, whilst he lived by thee he breathed, and now having breathed his last, we yield him to thee. The ashes falling on the water, the Brammane saith, Oh water, whilst he lived, thy moysture did sustain him, and now his body is dispersed, take thy part in him. This being done, the Brammane reads (to the Son or nearest of kin to the deceased) the Law of mourners; That for ten days he must eat no Beetle, nor oyl his head, nor put on clean clothes; but once a month make a Feast, and visit the River whose water drank up his Fathers ashes. Besides this, there was a Custom which is brought into a Law, for the Wives of the deceased to accompany their Husbands in death, by burning themselves with his body; and this is still used among persons of greatest worth, the Women voluntarily exposing their bodies to the flames. And this is the sum of the second Tract of the Book delivered to Breman.

The third Tract consisteth of their being distinguished into Casts and Tribes, with peculiar observations for each. The Brammanes being first, have their name either of Brammon, who was the first of that Tribe; or else from Breman, who was the first of the second Age, to whom the Law was delivered, of which there are two sorts, the common, and the more special; the common Brammane hath eighty two Casts or Tribes; which are distinguished by the names of the places of their first habitations. These discharge the Ministerial function, in praying and reading their Law to the People, in which they use a kind of minical fantastical gesture, and a singing tone. They are first received into that Order at seven years of age, using the ceremony of washing and shaving their heads, only leaving one lock; they are bound to a Pythagorean silence, and prohibited haulking, spitting, or coughing, wearing about their loyns a girdle of an Antilop’s skin, and another thong of the same about their neck, descending under the left arm: At fourteen years of age they are admitted to be Brammanes, exchanging those leather thongs for four sealing threads that come over the right shoulder, and under the right arm, which they sleep withal, in honour of God and the three persons; they are enjoyned to keep all things in the Brammanes Law.

The more special sort of Brammanes are of the Cast of the Shudderys or Merchant-man, who for devotion take this condition; He wears a wollen garment of white, reaching down to the middle of the thigh, the rest is naked: his head is alwayes uncovered; they do not shave, but pluck off all the hair from their heads and beards, leaving only one lock.

There are several Casts of these, that live more strictly than the rest; for these never Marry, are very moderate in their Diet, and drink nothing but water boyled, that so the vapour, which they suppose to be life, may go out; they sweep away and disperse their dung, lest it should generate worms that may have life, and be destroyed, they keep an Hospital of lame and maimed flying fowl, which they redeem with a price; they have all things common, but place no faith in outward washings, but rather imbrace a careless and sordid nastiness.

The second Tribe or Cast was Cutteryes, who had their name from Cuttery, the second son of Ponrous, who having Dominion and Rule committed to him; therefore all Souldiers and Kings are said to be of his Tribe.

That particular of Bremans Book that concerned this Cast, contained certain precepts of Government and Policy, which being of common import, I chose to omit, and shall only tell you, that in their flourishing estate they were the ancient Kings of India, especially of that part that is called Guzzarat, and were called by the name of Racabs, which signifies a King; they are said to have thirty six Tribes, and none were admitted to rule or govern but out of these Tribes. But in time these Racabs were most of them put from the Government, and destroyed by the Mahometans, who oppressed them; some of them still remain, and are called Rashpootes, which I have before named; some are as yet unconquered, and sometimes fight with and against the great Mogul.

The third Son of Ponrous being called Shuddery, and Merchandizing being appointed him, all Merchants therefore are comprized under this Name. The particular of Bremans Book that concerned this Cast, was a Seminary of Religious advertizement, enjoyning them to truth in their words and dealings. These are they that are most properly called Banians, which name signifies a harmless People, that will not endure to see a fly, or worm, or any living thing to be injured, and being themselves strucken, bear it patiently without resistance; they are equal in number of their Casts to the Brammanes, and being like to them, do more strictly follow their injunctions. Their form and contract in buying and selling is something notable; for the Broaker that beateth the price with him that selleth, looseth his Pamerin that his folded about his wast, and spreading it upon his knee, with hands folded underneath, by their fingers ends the price of pounds, shillings or pence, is fixed, as the Chapman is intended to give: The seller in like manner intimateth how much he purposeth to have; which silent composition their Law enjoyneth.

Lastly, as the Son of Ponrous was called Wyse, and was Master of Merchants or Handicrafts, so all Handicrafts are of that Tribe. The directions that were in Breman’s Book for these, were touching their behaviours in their Callings: The name Wyse signifies one that one is servile or instrumentary; these People are now commonly called Gentiles, which are of two sorts; first, the purer Gentile, such as diet themselves as the Banians, not eating flesh, fish or wine; and the impure eat of all sorts, and are commonly Husbandmen, and usually called Coulees. Those of the purer sort have thirty six Casts, according to the number of the Trades practised among them; in which, they make as few instruments serve for the effecting of divers works, as may be; and whatever they do, is contrary to the Christian form of working, for the most part. This is the substance of the the third Tract of the Book delivered to Breman, concerning the manner of the four Tribes.

This Book was by Breman communicated to the Brammanes to be published to the People, who did give absolute obedience to these injunctions; but in time, fraud, violence and all manner of wickedness being committed, God grew angry, and acquainted Breman that he would destroy the world: who acquainted the People herewith, but to little purpose, for soon after they fell to their wickedness, and God took Breman up into his bosome who had interceeded for man-kind; then also Vistney (whose nature and Office it was to preserve the People) did interceed, but God would not be pacifyed, but gave charge to Ruddery (whose Office it was to destroy) to cause the bowels of the earth to send out a wind to sweep the Nations as the dust from the face of the earth: this command was accordingly executed, and all people were destroyed saving a few that God permitted Vistney to cover with the skirts of his preservation, reserved to propagate mankind in the third age, and so this Age concluded.

The wickedness and ill government of the Kings and Rulers, being the chief cause of destroying the last age: therefore all those of Cutteries Tribe were all destroyed. Now because it was necessary that there should be some of that Cast as well as others, wherefore God raised that Tribe again out of the Cast of the Bramanes: the name of him who renewed and raised this Tribe was called Ram, who was a good King and lived piously; but his successors did not so, but committed so much wickedness that God again destroyed the world, by the opening of the earth, which swallowed up all mankind, but a few of the four Tribes who were left to new-people the world again, and this was the conclusion of the third Age.

At the beginning of the fourth Age, there was one Kistney, a famous Ruler, and pious King, who wonderfully promoted Religion. Vistney was now taken up into Heaven, there being no further need of his preservation; for when this Age is concluded, there shall be a full end of all things. The Brammanes suppose this Age shall be longer then any of the rest, in the end whereof Ruddery shall be taken up into Heaven: these four ages they call by these four names, Curtain, Duauper, Tetrajoo and Kotee; they hold the manner of these last judgements shall be by fire, when all shall be destroyed; and so the four Ages of the world shall be destroyed by the four Elements. And then shall Ruddery carry up the souls of all people to Heaven with him, to rest in Gods bosome, but the bodyes shall all perish: so that they believe not the resurrection; for they say Heaven being a place that is pure, they hold it cannot be capable of such gross substances.

This is the sum of the Banians Religion, wherein you find much of fancy and conceit as to make it be so antient, and the number four to be used so often, as you have heard the meaning of the three creatures, I suppose alludes to the Trinity; but instead of a confirmation and proof of a Trinity, they would make a Quaternity thereof, in the name; I suppose, they (as well as other Nations who differ from us in Religion) had read over our Bible, and supposing that but fictions, were resolved to make a Law of their own, to be somewhat like that of ours; which how they have done you have already heard: I shall now likewise give you a brief account of the Religion used by the Persees, and so put an end to this Chapter.

These Persees are a People descended from the antient Persians, who lived in much splendor, but warrs coming among them, they were dissipated, and the Mahometans who invaded them, compelled several to leave their antient Religion for that of the Mahometan: which they refusing, exposed themselves to a voluntary banishment, and therefore carried what of their substance they could with them: they sought for a new place of habitation, and at length found it in this Country, where they now inhabit, being admitted to use their own Religion, but yielding themselves in subjection to the government of the Nation, and paying homage and tribute, their Religion being different from the rest of the Inhabitants, I shall thus describe to you.

They affirm that before any thing was, there was a God, who made the Heavens, and the Earth, and all things therein conteined: at six times or labours, and between each labour, he rested five dayes, first, He made the Heavens with their Orbs, adorned with great lights and lesser, as the Sun, Moon and Stars; also the Angels whom he placed in their several orders, according to their dignities, which place he ordained to be for the habitations of such as should live holy in this life; and this being done, he rested five dayes. Then he made Hell in the lower parts of the world, from which he banished all light and comfort, wherein were several Mansions that exceeded each other in dolour, proportioned for the degrees of Offenders; about which time Lucifer the chief of Angels, with other of his Order, conspiring against God, to gain the Soveraignty and command over all; God threw him first from the Orb of his happiness, together with his confederates and accomplices, damn’d him to Hell, the place that was made for offenders, and turn’d them from their glorious shapes, into shapes black, ugly and deformed, till the end of the world, when all offenders shall receive punishment; this was the second labour. After this God created the earth and waters, making this world like a ball, in that admirable manner that now it is; this was the third labour. The fourth, was to make the Trees and Herbs; the fifth, was to make Beasts, Fowls and Fishes; and the sixth and last, Man and Woman, whose names were Adamah and Evah, and by these the world was propagated in this manner; God as they affirm, did cause Evah to bring forth two twins every day for a thousand years together, and none dyed. Lucifer being malicious, and endeavouring to do mischief God set certain Supervisors over his creatures: Hamull had charge of the Heavens, Acob of the Angels, Foder of the Sun, Moon, and Stars, Soreh of the Earth, Josah of the Waters, Sumbolah of the Beasts of the Field, Daloo of the Fish of the Sea, Rocan of the Tree, Cooz, of Man and Woman, and Settan and Asud were Guardians of Lucifer and other evil spirits, who for all that did some mischief, the sins of men occasioned the destruction of world by a flood which spared only a few to repeople the earth, which was done accordingly; and this is their opinion of the Creation and first Age. As to their Religion, it was given them by a Law-giver, whose name was Zertoost, whose birth was strange, and breeding and visions miraculous; the names of his Father and Mother were Espintaman and Dodoo, he was born in China, and great fame going of him when young, the King of that Country endeavoured his destruction, but could not bring it to pass, for those who were sent to destroy him, had their sinews shrunk; he being twelve or thirteen years of age, was taken with a great sickness, the King hearing thereof, sent Physicians to destroy him; but Zertoost sensible of their practise, refused their Physick, and fled with his Father and Mother into Persia; in his way meeting with Rivers, he congeal’d them them to ice, and so went over: he arrived at Persia in the time of the Raign of Gustasph; it was in that Country that at his request to God, he being purified, was carried up into heaven, where he heard the Almighty speaking, as in flames of fire, who revealed to him the works of the Creation, and what was to come, and gave him Laws for the better government and establishment of Religion: Zertoost desired to live alwayes, that he might instruct the world in Religion; but God answered, That if he should live never so long, yet Lucifer would do more harm then he should do good: but if he desired to live so long as the world endured he might. God also presented to Zertoost the seven ages or times of the Persian Monarchy; the first was the Golden Age, the days of Guiomaras, second, the Silver, the dayes of Fraydhun: third, the Brazen, the dayes of Kaykodoy, the fourth, the Tin, the dayes of Lorasph; fifth, Leaden, the dayes of Bahaman, sixth, the Steel, the dayes of Darab Segner; the seventh, the Iron Age, in the Raign of Yesdegerd: He finding by this that the times would be worse and worse, desired to live no longer than till he had discharged his Message, and then that he might be translated to the same place of glory; so he was reduced to his proper sense, and remained in heaven many dayes; and then having received the Book of the Law, and the heavenly fire, he was conveyed by an Angel to earth again. But the Angel had no sooner left him, but Lucifer met him; but notwithstanding his perswasions, he went on in his designs of revealing the Law, which he did first to his Father and Mother, and by their means it came to the ears of Gustasph, then King of Persia, who sending for him, he told the King every circumstance, so that the King began to incline to his religion, often sending for and conversing with him. The Churchmen of that time endeavoured to put infamy upon Zertoost, by perswading the King that he was an Impostor and of unclean living, for that he had the bones of humane bodies under his bed, the King hearing this sent to search, and found it so to be, for these Church-men had caused them to be conveyed thither; wherefore Zertoost, by order of the King, was put in prison: but there happened an occasion, that he was not only soon released, but also brought into the Kings favour; for the King having a Horse, that he prized, that fell sick, and no person able to cure him, Zertoost undertook the cure, and performed it; and working some other miracles, was now of good credit, and esteemed as a man come from God; so that now his Book gained an esteem, and the King himself told him, That if he would grant him four demands, he would believe his Law, and be a Professor thereof. The demands were these; First, That he might ascend to Heaven, and descend when he list. Secondly, That he might know what God would do at present, and in time to come. Thirdly, That he might never dye. Fourthly, That no instrument whatsoever might have power to wound or hurt him. Zertoost did consent that all this might be done, but not by one person; and therefore to the first, Gustasph had power to ascend to, and descend from Heaven, granted to him. The second, which was to know what would fall out, present and hereafter, was granted to the Kings Church-man. The third, which was to live for ever, was granted to Gustasph’s eldest Son, named Dischiton, who yet lives as they say, at a place in Persia, called Demawando Lohoo, in a high Mountain, with a guard of thirty men; to which place all living creatures are forbidden to approach, lest they should live for ever, as they do who abide there. The last, which was never to be wounded with instrument or weapon, was granted to the youngest Son of Gustasph, called Esplandiar. So Gustasph, and the other three mentioned, proving the power of these several gifts, all determined to live according to the precepts in Zertoost Book, he unfolding the contents thereof, which were these: This Book contained three several Tracts, the first whereof was of Judicial Astrology; the second was of Physick; the third, was called Zertoost, and this was of matters of Religion: And these three Tracts were delivered to the Magi’s, Physicians and Church-men, called Darooes; these Tracts were devided into Chapters, seven were in the Wisemen or Jesopps Book, seven in the Physicians, and seven in the Darooes Book; the two first is unlawful or unnecessary, I shall omit it, and proceed to the third. The Dicision of men being Laity and Clergy; and those of the Clergy being ordinary or extraordinary, It pleased God, say the Persees, to divide and apportion his Law among these men. First, therefore, to the Lay-man God gave five Commandments:

1. To have shame over them, as a remedy against sin, for that will keep them from oppressing his inferiours, from stealing, from being drunk, and from bearing false witness.

2. To have fear alwayes present, that they might not commit sin.

3. When they go about any thing, to think whether it be good or bad, so to do it or let it alone.

4. That the sight of God’s creatures, in the morning put them in mind to give God thanks for them.

5. That when they pray by day, they turn their faces towards the Sun; and by night towards the Moon.

These are the precepts enjoyned the Lay-men, those of the common Church-man follow, who are bound to keep, not only these appropriated to him, but the preceding precepts.

1. To pray after the manner is described in Zundavestaw, for God is best pleased with that form.

2. To keep his eyes from coveting any thing that is anothers.

3. To have a great care to speak the truth alwayes, because Lucifer is the Father of falshood.

4. To meddle with no bodies business but his own, and not meddle with the things of the world; for the Lay-man shall provide all things needful for him.

5. To learn the Zundavestaw by heart, that he may teach the Lay-man.

6. To keep himself pure as from dead carcases, or unclean meats, lest he be defiled.

7. To forgive all injuries, in imitation of God, who daily forgives us.

8. To teach the common people to pray, to pray with them for any good: and when they come to the place of worship, to joyn in common prayer together.

9. To give Licence for Marriage, and to marry men and women, the Parents not having power to do it without the consent of the Herbood.

10. To spend the greatest part of their time in the Temple, that he may be ready on all occasions.

11. And last Injunction is, upon pain of Damnation, to believe no other Law but that of Zertoost, and not to add to it, nor diminish it.

These are the precepts enjoyned the Herbood, the Distoore being the High Priest, who commands all the rest, is enjoyned not only these of the Layman or Behedin, these of the Herbood or Churchmen, but 13 more of his own, which are these that follow.

1. That he must never touch any of a strange Cast or Sect, of what Religion soever; nor any Layman of his own Religion, but he must wash himself.

2. That he must do all his own work, in token of humility, and for purity, viz. Set his own hearbs, Sow his own grain, and dress his own meat, unless he have a Wife to do it for him, which is not usual.

3. That he take Tyth or Tenth of the Behedin, as Gods due, and dispose of it as he thinks fit.

4. That he must use no Pomp or superfluity, but either give all away in charity, or bestow it in building of Temples.

5. That his house be near the Church, where he must retire himself, living recluse in Prayer.

6. That he must live purer than others, both in frequent washings and dyet, and also sequester himself from his Wife in time of her pollutions.

7. That he be learned, and knowing all the several Books of Zertoost, as well the Astrological and Physical parts, as the other.

8. That he must never eat and drink excessively.

9. That he fear no body but God, and sin; and not fear what Lucifer can do to him.

10. That God having given him power in matters of the soul; therefore when any man sins he may tell him of it, be he never so great; and every man is to obey him, as one that speaketh not his own cause, but Gods.

11. That he be able to discern in what manner God comes to reveal himself, in what manner Lucifer.

12. That he reveal not what God manifesteth to him by Visions.

13. That he keep an ever-living fire, that never may go out; which being kindled by that fire that Zertoost brought from heaven, may endure for all ages, till fire shall come to destroy all the world, and that he say his prayers over it.

This is a Summary of those precepts contained in the book of their Law, that Zertoost is by them affirmed to bring from heaven; and that religion which Gustasph with his followers embraced, perswaded by the afore-mentioned Miracles wrought by Zertoost among them.

The 3d. particular in this Tract is the rights and ceremonies observed by this Sect, differencing them from others.

First, Though their Law allows them great liberty in meats and drinks; yet because they will not displease the Banians and Moors, they abstain from Kine and Hogsflesh; they eat alone, and drink in several Cups.

2. They observe 6 Feasts in the Year, according to the 6 works of the Creation.

3. As for their Fasts, after every one of their Feasts they eat but one Meale a day for 5 days together; and when they eat Flesh they carry part of it to the Temple as an offering.

Their worship of Fire is taken from Zertoosts bringing it from Heaven, and it being enjoyned them: for the nature of it, that which he brought, could not be extinguished; whether that be preferred is unknown, but upon effect thereof they are licensed to compose a fire of several mixtures, which is of seven sorts; when they meet about that ceremony bestowed on this Fire, the Destoore or Herbood, together with the Assembly encompass it about, and standing about 11 or 12 foot distance, the Destoore or Herbood uttereth this speech. That forasmuch as Fire was delivered to Zertoost their Law-giver from God Almighty, who pronounced it to be his vertue and excellence, that therefore they should reverence it, and not abuse it in the ordinary use thereof, as to put water in it, or spit in it, &c.

At the birth of a child the Daroo or Churchman is sent for, who calculates the nativity of the Child, and the Mother names it without any ceremony; after this it is carried to the Church, and water is poured thereon, and prayer used, That God would cleanse it from the uncleanness of the Father, and menstruous pollutions of the Mother. At 7 years of age he is led by the Parents into the Church to have Confirmation, where he is taught Prayers, and instructed in Religion, and being washed, he is cloathed in a linnen Cassock, and other habits, which he ordinarily wears, and so is admitted into their Sect.

They have a five-fold kind of marriage, for which they have several terms; the most singular, is that of hiring a mans Son or Daughter to be marched to their dead Daughter or Son, with whom they are contracted. The ceremony observed in their Marriages is performed at Midnight, not in the Church, but upon a bed, by two Churchmen, one in behalf of the Man, the other in behalf of the Woman, who ask if they are willing to be married, and they joyn hands, the Man promising to provide for the Woman, and give her some Gold to bind her to him; and the Woman promiseth all she hath is his; then the Churchmen scattering rice, prays that they may be fruitful, and so they conclude, celebrating the Marriage feast for 8 days together.

As for burial they have two places or Tombs, built of a round form, a pretty height from the ground; within they are paved with stone, in a shelving manner, in the midst a hollow pit to receive the consumed bones; about the walls are the shrowded and sheeted Carkasses laid both of Men and Women, exposed to the open Air. These 2 Tombs are distant from one another; the one is for the good livers, the other for the wicked. When any are sick unto death, the Herbood is sent for, who prays in the ears of the sick man: and when he is dead he is carried on an Iron biere; all who accompany them are interdicted all speech; only the Churchman, when the body is laid in the burial place, saith thus, This our Brother whilst he lived consisted of the 4 Elements, now he is dead let each take his own, Earth to Earth, Air to Air, Water to Water, and Fire to Fire. This done they pray to Sertun and Asud, that they would keep the Devils from their deceased Brother when he repairs to their holy fire to purge himself; for they suppose the Soul wandreth three days on the earth, in which time Lucifer molesteth it; for security from which molestation, it flyes to their fire, seeking preservation there; which time concluded, it receiveth justice or reward, Hell or Heaven; and therefore they for those three days offer up Prayers Morning Noon and Night, that God would be merciful to the Soul departed, and forgive his sins. After three days are expired they make a festival, and conclude their mourning.

CHAP. III.

The Arrival of the English Fleet, His entertaining of six Englishmen, an account of whose Adventures is promised him by one of the Company.

I had now spent several Months in my Voyage by Sea, perambulations by Land, and observations of the Country in general, and this more particular discovery of the Laws and manners both Civil and Ecclesiastical of the Inhabitants; a just account whereof I have given you in the foregoing Chapters: And now we dayly expected the return of Ships from England, and therefore every one provided to be furnished with all things necessary against their arrival: The Merchants who were resident on shore had every day several sorts of commodities brought out of the Country in Waggons drawn by Oxen, so that their Storehouses were filled; and I for my part provided my self with all sorts of Liquors and Victuals that the Country afforded.

At the time usual the Fleet arrived, which consisted of 4 Ships, whereof 3 was on the account of the Company, and the 4th by their permission, came as an Interloper: Those that came on account of the Company were provided with all things necessary, by the order of the Consul or President; and the other Ships Company being left to shift for themselves, took up my house for their quarters. The chief of the Company that lodged with me consisted of 6 persons, two whereof seemed to be very handsome young men, of about 18 years of age; these two were very well respected, as well by the Captain as the others his Companions; they were all very frolick, blith, and merry, and several times laughed at several adventures that had befall'n them during the Voyage.

Though the Captain of this Ship came not on the Companies account, yet he was very richly loaden, and was directed to such persons of this Country as would be sure to do his business for him; neither was he a stranger therein, for he had been here twice before, and was acquainted with most of the Banians, who are so curious and diligent observers, that if they see a man but once, if he ever return, though several years after, yet they will know him again, especially if they have had any trading with them; and they have so good a conceit of our Countrymen, that they will oftentimes trust a Captain with 2 or 300l. worth of Commodities from one year to another, only giving them common interest; and as to their ordinary dealing and bargaining, they are at a word, and there is money to be saved by dealing with them, and trusting them, for if you distrust them, then you shall pay so much the more; if you trust them they will provide your goods as cheap or cheaper than you can your self do it, though never so well experienced therein; I needed not to acquaint our Captain with any of their fashions, for he well enough understood it himself; but I assisted him and some of the rest in exchanging their monies; for the Banians allow no more for any Silver or Gold Coin than it weighs; for it will never goe currant there, till it be changed or minted into the Coin of the Country.

Four of my Guests, Viz. The Captain, and three of the rest did employ themselves in looking after the Ships unlading; but the other two, who were the youngest (and therefore, as I thought, fittest to take pains) did still stay at home in my house, or else walk out for their recreation. This, and some other things that I observed, made me curious in my observations of them in all their actions, suspecting they were either personages of greater quality than ordinary, or that there was some other mystery in the case: but they being as cunning as my self concealed that from me which I since knew, though I tryed them with several speeches and discourses, in which I thought my self cunning enough; I observed this, that these two young men never lay together, but sometimes the Captain lay with one of them, and another person of his company with the other. The greatest part of their business being for the present dispatched, they often times staid at home and feasted, where they drank off great quantities of Persian Wine, and other the Country drinks, the best I could get for them. They having all drank one time to a good height, and being very merry, the Captain asked which was the best house for handsome Women now. I informed him of the best I knew; but says he, yee have no English Girls here, no said I, seldom any such blessings come into this Country, we are forced to content our selves with the brown Natives: I believe, said the Captain, if these two young men, William and George (for such was the names of the two young men I spake of) were hansomly drest in Womens cloaths, they would pass for hansom Women. I then of a sudden turning my eyes towards the parties he spake of, saw that their cheeks were dy’d of a Vermilion hew, deeper than lately they had acquired by drinking: This caused me to distrust something; but the rest of the Company falling into a kind of a laughter, which I supposed was somewhat forced, they altered their discourse, and began a fresh health to all their friends in England, which I pledged them with a very good will, telling them that I had some, whose company I had heartily wished for; what are they, said the Captain; Sir, said I, they are such as I beleeve you love, that is, hansom Women in general; and of these I had the good fortune to be particularly and intimately acquainted with several. At the ending of this discourse, I was called for down to attend some of my guests who were going, which having done, I again went up, where I found the Captain and the rest in a standing posture, ready likewise to be gone, at which I wondred, but let them take their pleasures: So five of my six guests left me, and he had gone too had he not been a little flustred, and then a sleep. After they were gone several thoughts possest my mind of what these two youngest persons should be; and it was long ere I could hit upon the right, but having one person in the house, with whom I was more intimate than the rest, I resolved to use my utmost interest with him to be satisfyed: he in few hours awaked, and would have been gone after his companions; but I so far prevailed with him, that he lay there that night; and because I would have the better opportunity for my discourse, I lay with him; when we were in Bed, I told him, that I could heartily wish I could accommodate him with a female Bedfellow; he replyed, that would do very well; I offered my assistance in procuring the best of our Country, but he was cold in his reply; whereupon I told him, that by that time he had been so long in the Country as I had, he would be glad of one of those whom I sometimes made a shift to spend a night with: but continued I, I had rather be at Mother Cr---- in Moorfields: Are you acquainted there, replyed my Bedfellow, yes, said I, and at most of those houses of hospitality in or about London, to which Colledges I was a good Benefactor; why, said my Bedfellow, you have bin right; or else I had never come hither, said I: whereupon I acquainted him with many of my rambles about London, and gave him such satisfaction in my discourse that he began to be more free with me; and then I conjured him to deal truly with me in resolving me one question, to which he promised me, that he would: I having gained thus much upon him, told him that my request was to know what those two young persons were, which were called William and George: truly said he, you could not have asked me any thing that I should be more unwilling to discover than that; but since I have promised you I will tell you, and that the truth without any disguise, provided, you swear to me, not to discover or take any notice thereof without my consent, to this I agreed, and having sworn to him, he told me, that they were not of those names, nor sex, that they went for, but Women. I told him I had long since doubted so much, and now I knew it, I would take no notice thereof, but rather assist than hinder any design wherein there was so much pleasure, for I had bin as very a wag as any of them, and had in my time run through as many and various adventures as any man of my age; he hearing me say so, asked me where I had lived, and the most part of my life: I without any dissembling, gave him a short account of my life, which so pleased him, that we spent most part of the night therein, and at my earnest request he promised me that the next day, he would give me an account of his life, and adventures, wherein said he, you will find so many different chances of fortune, as had hardly befallen any man, and I hope said he, I shall be able to give you a good account thereof: for since my coming from England, I have had time to recollect my self, of some things that else I had forgotten, but now I have placed the chief passages of my life into such a Method, as I shall be very exact in; though I was impatient to hear what he promised me, yet the night being far spent, sleep seized on us both for some hours, but awaking in the morning, and putting him in mind of his promise, after a mornings draught taken, and a command that none should interrupt us, he began as follows.

CHAP. IV.

The Traveller describeth the place of his birth and Parents, the death of his elder Brother, and how through the perswasion of his Father; he resolved to follow thieving.

I was born in Goldin-Lane, a place scituate in the Suburbs of London, my Fathers name was Isaac, and by reason of his small stature was commonly called little Isaac, being a native of the same place, and by profession a Cobler; but such was his courage that he was much troubled when any one called him Cobler; and would reply, that he was a Translator, or a Transmographer of shooes. His Wife, who I believe was my Mother, was named Ursula; she was in the beginning of her dayes one of those sort of people that we call Gipsies, or Canting-Beggars, and my Father travelling into the Country, and wanting money to pay for a bed at night, he was forced to take up his lodging in a barn, where he first came to be acquainted with my Mother; whether they were ever married or no, I cannot tell, though I suppose they only took each others words, as being willing to save the charge of a Priests-hire. But notwithstanding the darkness of her complexion (as those sort of people commonly have,) there is not so bad a Jill, but there is as bad a Jack, for it was not long before she hornifid my Father by a Banbury Tinker: which thing was so well known amongst the neighbors, that they would commonly make horns with their fingers, and point at him as he passed along the streets. My eldest brother at seven years of age attained to such ingenuity that he seldom carried home any mended shooes to a Gentlemans or Citizens house, but he would filch either linnen, silver-spoons, or something else of worth, which by negligent servants was not laid up safely; which trade he drave for some space of time, being by reason of his childish years not in the least suspected, but the pitcher goes not so often to the well, but at length it comes broken home: In processe of time he was taken with the theft, and for the same carried to Newgate, where poor little Angel (peace be with him) he dyed in prison, under the pennance of a discipline which was applied to him with a little too much rigour.

Our whole family smarted in his punishment, my father sighed, my mother sobbed, and I wanted my part of those dainty morsels, which his theft furnished us withall, for by him my father drave a pretty trade; having those who always furnished him with ready money for whatsoever he brought, and indeed his loss would have utterly disconsolated my father, but the great hopes that he had in mee, who was now come to the same age that my brother was of when he first began to exercise his gifts in the mystery of theivery; and that I might tread the same steps that my brother had done before me, my father (upon a certain day, when my mother and he and I were alone by our selves) began thus for to endoctrinate me.

My son (said he) the profession of a thief is not of so base repute as the world gives it out, considering what brave men have in former times exercised themselves in this way: I have heard the Clerk of our parish say, who I assure you was a well read man, that Robin Hood that famous thief was in his yonger dayes Earl of Huntingdon; and that Alexander the Great was no better then a thief in robbing other Princes of their Kingdoms and Crowns. (This it seems he spake in vindication of the Sexton, who used to rob the dead corps of their sheets and shirts, and those other necessaries which they carried along with them in their voyage to heaven.) I tell thee he who steales not, knows not how to live in this world, nay doth not almost each thing in the world teach us for to steal? doe we not see youth steal upon infancy, manhood steale upon youth, and old age upon manhood, until at last death stealeth upon us undiscern’d and bringeth us to our long homes: How doth summer steal on the spring, autumn on summer, and winter on autumn, untill all the whole year is stole out of our sight. Pray what doe rich Farmers and griping Cormorants, but steal when they exact in their prices of corn, and grind the faces of the poor; and how can shop-keepers wipe off the aspersion of theft from themselves when they sell a commodity for twice the worth of it, and thereby cozen the buyer; so that we see if things be rightly scanned, there be more thieves in the world than only Taylors, Millers, and Weavers. And what I pray you makes Serjants, Bayliffs, and Catchpoles so to envy us, and persecute us as they doe, but that one trade still envies and malignes another; and would by their good wills suffer no other theives but themselves; this it is that makes them so double diligent in the surprizal of us, though oftentimes our craft forestals their malice, as I shall instance to you in one memorable example.

My self and two of my comrades had agreed to rob a rich Usurer, whose younger brother having vitiously wasted his estate, was forced to take this his brothers house for sanctuary, where he kept as close as a snail in his shell, unless only at such times when as he imagined the darkness of the night might shrewd him in obscurity, he so dreaded these shoulder clappers, who stick closer to a man than a bur on his cloak, for being once got into their clutches, you may as soon wring Hercules club out of his fist, as get free from their fingers; and herein have thieves a great priviledge over debters, for the most notorious thief that ever was, once in a months time he is carted out of prison, as others for smaller matters are freed from durance by following the cart, where a fellow with a catt of nine tayles doth play him such a lesson, as makes him to skip and mount for joy of his deliverance; but with a poor debter the case is far different, for being once in prison, the best teame of Horses that ever drew in a waggon, cannot draw him out from thence without a silver hook.

But to speak of that (some) which more properly belongs unto thee (for I suppose thou wilt never attain to such credit as for to be laid up in prison for debt,) by the help of a servant of the house, who went sharers with us in our prey, we got a false key made to the back door, whereby (one night) we attained an easie entrance, and loaded our selves, to our hearts content; but in our return one of our companions chanced to sneeze, and therewithal brake wind so violently behind, that it waked the old usurer, who suspitious of the least noise presently cryed out Thieves, thieves: Trusty Roger his man was very ready to rise at first allarm, fearing that our discovery might prove prejudicial to his liberty, and lighting a candle, pretended to search every hole in the house, into which it was possible for a mouse to enter; In the meane time we lay close, yet not, unperceived by this false servant, who very formally told his Master that all was safe and well, and that he might take his rest without any fear; But the dread of his hearing us prolonged our stay, so long, that day began to approach, whereupon fearing more danger from without than from within, we prepared for our departure, but having opened the door, we found that we had leapt out of the frying pan into the fire, and by shunning Scylla were fallen into Charibdis, for four of these Catchpoles were waiting at the door for the Usurers brother, having intelligence belike that he used to make the dusky morning and dark evening the two shrowds that carried him safely out and into his Brothers house; Now I going out of the door first, one of these robustious fellows laid hands upon me, taking me for the party they waited for, my two companions endeavouring to rescue me were seized on by the other three Baylifs, so that we seeing no hopes of escape, resolved to cry whore first, and with full mouth cryed out Thieves, thieves; Trusty Roger and the man that should have been arrested, hearing this cry, took weapons in their hands, and out of doors they came, where Roger soon perceiving how the business went ah you Rogues (said he) doe you come to rob my Master? and thereupon laid so nimbly about him, being seconded by the other, that the Bailiffs were glad to let us go to defend themselves. Whilest they were thus busied in pelting each other, we slipped away with our prize, and to take a full revenge of those Catch-poles, raised several of the neighbors, whom we sent to the apprehending of the Bayliffs, whilest we marched away in safety; what became of them afterwards I doe not know, onely this I tell thee, to let thee see that there is not any danger whatsoever so great, but by wit and cunningness may be avoided. This story I heard with great attention which so wrought upon my mind that I thought my self no less than a second Robin Hood or little John, and thereupon resolved to put in speedy execution my fathers dictates which yet proved very unfortunate to me, as you will finde by that which follows.

CHAP. V.

His robbing of Orchards, how he was cachett by a Night-spell; the extremity their family was brought unto, and how to relieve it, he robbed a Grocer.

My mind being thus fully fixt to follow thieving, I began my trade in robbing of Orchards, returning home with laden thighs, the trophies, and spoils of Cherry-trees, Pear-trees, and Plum-trees. My mother instead of correcting me for what I had done, encouraged me to proceed on as I had begun; for indeed hunger had pinched us sorely ever since my brothers death, my fathers credit being so eclipsed thereby, that until people saw he would mend his life, scarce any one would employ him to mend their shoes. One Orchard I especially haunted it being stor’d with most gallant fruit, whose very looks me thought did cry, Come eat me: but so often I frequented the same, especially one tree of more choice fruit than all the rest, that the owner of the Orchard (being a rich miserable chuff, and one who knew on which side his bread was butter’d) began to mistrust the same, and therefore that his apples might not depart away without first taking leave of him, he resolved for the future to prevent the same, and having some little skill in negromancy, against my next coming he inchanted his Orchard with a Night-spel.

This he placed at the four corners of his Orchard, in the hour of Mars, and is of such force being rightly applyed, that who ever comes within the bounds thereof, must be forced to stay there till Sun-rising. Now I that knew not any thing of what was done, according to my accustomed course, having the dark night for my coverture, boldly enter’d the Orchard, with winged haste ascended upon one of the trees, where having filled a bag with Apples which my mother had furnished me withal for that purpose, I thought to depart away as formerly I had done, but the case was quite alter’d from what was before; for I found my self in such a Labyrinth that the best clue of my invention could not winde me out; Here did I wander about with my bag on my shoulders (having not the power in the least to lay it down) till such time as Aurora begun to usher in the day, when the old chuff enter’d the Orchard to see what fish his net had caught, resolving with severity to punish the Caitifs that had stoln away his goods, but in stead of a Gudgeon finding but a sprat, beholding my Childish years, he could not imagine me to be the Author of so much wrong as he had received; and thereupon altering his resolution of breaking arms and leggs as he first intended, he stepped back to his house & fetched from thence a great burchin rod, the instrument wherewith he intended to chastise me withal, with much silence he approached unto me; (for a words speaking would dissolve the charm) and having with some strugling untrust my Breeches, laying me over his knee, he began to exercise the office of a Pedagogue upon me; now I having for some space of time before eaten nothing but green fruit, had gotten a terrible looseness, which with the fright that I was in, and the smart that I felt, wrought such effects in my belly, that opening my posteriors, I discharged a whole volley of excrements in his face. This action of mine made him at once to shut his eyes, open his mouth, and unloose his hands, so that the charm being broken, and my body at liberty, I quickly conveyed my self out of the Orchard, leaving the old catterpillar in a very stinking condition, not to be remedied without the benefit of that cleansing element of water.

Warned by this disaster, I was very fearful to enter into any more Orchards, and indeed had I met no Remora in my proceedings, yet this trade would soon have failed, for not long after the Apples were all transplated out of the Orchard into the Cellar, and winter began to hasten on apace. And now hunger which will not be treated withal without bread, began to reign Lord and King in our family; the Chandler would let us have no more cheese for chalk, nor peny loaves for round O’s, we had made a black poast white already with our score, and his belief would extend no further to trust us for any more: nay the very Ale-house-keeper (to whom we were such constant customers) was now grown such a Nullifidian, that he would not believe us for small-beer, wherefore we were forced to make a vertue of necessity, and to prevent starving, our houshold goods marched away one after another; the first thing that we sold was the Cup-board as the most unnecessary thing in all the house, having no victuals to put therein; soon after followed the Table as an appendix to it, for seeing the Table will hold no victuals thereon for us to eat, we in revenge thereof did eat up the Table; That (with some joynt-stools belonging to it) being devoured and gone, our stomacks were so hot that it soon melted away the pewter dishes; for we considered with our selves that good meat might be eaten out of wooden platters; then followed the napkins and table-cloaths, for we were not so much cloyed with fat meat but that a little linnen would serve to wipe the greace off of our fingers; in fine this pinching hunger was the Habeas corpus that removed all our goods out of the House unto the Brokers, and now our dwelling place corresponded with our bellies, being alike both empty.

In this comfortless condition we remained for the space of three days, having neither money nor any thing to make money of; being thus sadly necessitated, my father and I set our witts upon the Tenter-hooks which way to recruit our decayed estate, many inventions we had for that purpose, and present necessity urged us to make a speedy use of one of them, which not long after we brought to pass in this manner.

It being then winter time, the Evenings long and dark, we bought a Link for three pence, the remainder of our whole estate; with this about ten of the clock in the night we marched out, resolving to fasten on the fairest opportunity that should present its self to our sight; many streets we traversed, but found not any thing that might answer either our intent or expectation. Coming at last to Basing-lane, and casting our wandring eyes into a Shop, we there espyed a Grocer telling of money on a Counter, being lighted only by a single candle; this made for our purpose, whereupon my father planting himself, I boldly entered the Shop, desiring him to give me leave to light my Link; which being granted, I with the same soon popt out his Candle, snatching up a handful of mony, ran out of the doors with the same as fast as I could; the Grocer hasted after me amain, in the mean time my father stept into the shop, and took away the remainder of the mony. My nimbleness had soon out stripped the Grocer, who returned back, and found that the Devil might dance upon his Counter, for there was never a cross to keep him from it. About an hour after we met together at home, where having counted our purchase, we found it amounted to seven pounds eighteen shillings and six pence. So long as this mony lasted, the pot, the spit, and pitcher was never idle; but what was thus got over the Devils back was soon spent under his belly, and in a short time we were reduced to as great want as we were in before.

CHAP. VI.

He cheateth a Cutler, afterwards robbeth a bacon man, his father is prest away for a Soldier, his mother dyeth, and he being left alone goeth to live with an uncle, where he acteth many Rogueries.

Necessity is the best whetstone to sharpen the edge of a mans invention, when the gutts begin to grumble against the belly for want of food, oh in what a confusion is then this little microcosme of ours? how is the invention rack’d, tortur’d and stretched forth to supply that defect, my hungry belly found this to be too true, which made me set my wits on work for a speedy remedy; a project quickly came into my head, but to effect the same I wanted mony; this was a double task for me to doe, but a willing minde overcomes all difficulties; away went I to a Cutlers, where in the cheapning of one knife, I stole another, and lest the Cutler should mistrust me, I came up to his price, but pretended I had forgotten my mony, and therefore must goe home and fetch it. This stoln knife I sold for a groat, which money I intended for a bait to catch a bigger fish; some few streets I traversed before my project would fasten, at last coming to Warwick Lane I saw in a Bacon-shop a fellow standing in a pocket blew-apron whose innocent looks gave me confident hopes of a golden prize; in I went and asked him the price of a pound of bacon, six pence boy said he of the rib, and four pence of the gammon; then give me a pound of the gammon (said I) and here is a groat the whole estate of a poor boy who hath been a long time in getting the same. Whilest he was weighing it I told him I had a curst mother in law, who fed me only with a bit and a knock, which made me to go with an empty belly and a heart full of sorrow; that if shee should know I were in possession of so eatable a commodity, she would take it from me, and that she did often search my pocket for that purpose: I therefore desired him to prevent the worst that might happen, to put the same down my back betwixt my doublet and shirt, which whilst he was doing, I leaning my head against him, with a short knife cut the pocket out of his apron, and having thanked him very kindly, away I went, leaving my poor Bacon-man with a bottomless pennyless pocket.

My purchased prize was about thirty shillings, of which some four of it was in brass farthings; but all was currant coyn that came into my hands, for I made no scruple at all in the receiving it; with this I returned home, thinking to be received with much joy, as having gotten that in my pocket which would make us all merry, but the case was quite alter’d from what was before; my mother was on a sudden fallen sick, my father pressed for a soldier, & hurried away. This much abated the edge of my mirth, but my years not being capable of much sorrow, although my Mothers death ensued not long after, yet it was soon over, and indeed her outward condition was so deplorable, it had been almost impiety to have wished her longer life.

Now though my condition was bad enough before, yet by my Mothers death it was much worse; I was now left to the wide world, friendless, monyless, and pittyless, for not any one of the neighbors would give me entertainment, expecting no good fruit from the loyns of such a bad stock. To follow my trade of theiving I began to dread, for every line, rope, & halter that I saw, methoughts did admonish me to leave it off, for fear I came home short at last, and to follow the occupation of begging was then a very bad time to begin in, it being about the depth of winter: at last I remembred my Mother had a brother, a Barber-Chyrurgion, living in St. Martins; thither I went, acquainted him with his sisters death, my own sad condition, and what a boy I would prove if it would please him to give me entertainment; he being ignorant of the trade that I drove, and moved with compassion at my pittiful tale, told me if I performed what I promised, I should not want for any thing he could assist me in: hereupon I was had into the house, and though my Aunt scowled on me, my Uncle commanded my rags to be taken off, and a suit of one of my Cousins put upon me, as being the more durable, although my own were a thousand strong.

Having thus with the snake cast my skin, and attained to good diet and lodging, I quickly began to be as brisk as a body-Lowse, and to vapour amongst the boys like a Crow in a Gutter; and (notwithstanding my promise) my mind was now wholly fixt upon Roguery, but in a lower orb than what I practised before, tending rather to mirth then much mischief; to doe this I had several inventions, according as time and place were convenient; one of my first exployts was, that being sent of an errand to a Grocers shop in a frosty morning, where was a pan of coals to warm their fingers, I secretly conveyed therein some Guinney peper, which set the Prentices in such a violent coughing fit that they were not able to speak to a Customer; their Mistress hearing this noise below, came running down staires, where senting the matter, she began to speak aloud at both ends, and being something laxative by drinking of Sider, she bewrayed in what a condition she was in by what was scattered on the floar.

Sometimes would I in a clean place where wenches were to pass, lay a train of Gun-powder; and at the very instant that they went along, set fire to it, which was a great pleasure to my Worship to see how the poor Girles would skip and leap, just like a horse when he hath a nettle under his tayle. At other times in the night would I tye a line from one side of the street to the other about half a foot high, whereby those that came next were sure to have a fall; nay I could not forbear to act my Rogueries in the Church it self, having a Goose-quill filled with lice and fleas, which I would purchase of the Beggars for broken meat; these would I blow into the necks of the daintiest Gentlewomen that I could see. At other times would I with a needle and thread (which I always carried about with me in my pocket) sow mens cloaks and womens Gowns together as they stood in the Crowd, so that when they went away, there would be such pulling of one another, that they would never leave until one of their Garments had a piece of it rent out.

Amongst other instruments of mischief wherewith I exercised my self, one was a hallow trunck to shoot with, in which I was such an artist that I seldome mist hitting the mark I aimed at; and that I might be the better undiscovered I on purpose brake a hole in the glass-window, through which I used to shoot at my pleasure, scarce could an oyster-wench or Kitching-stuff wench pass by, but I would hit her on the neck, hands, or some naked place, which would set her a rayling and scolding for a quarter of an hour together at she knew not whom. One Monday morning a shoo-makers maid had been fetching a great pitcher of beer for the Crispins to begin their weeks work withall; now as she sayled along with the pitcher in her hand, which with the weight thereof drew her quite a one side, to prevent the wenches growing crooked thereby, I levell’d so right that I hit her on the fingers, so that down came the pitcher, and with the weight thereof brake all in pieces, and spilt the good liquor; the poor wench cryed pittyfully, the Crispins stormed for loosing their mornings draughts, and being informed it was I that did it, they vowed to be revenged on me, which not long after they brought to pass.

For I that could not live without Roguery no more then a fish without water, still continued my trade notwithstanding all their threats. One day whilest I was watching for my prey, thorow the hole of the glass-window aforesaid, there came by a man with a basket of drinking-glasses on his head; scarce was he past me, when I saluted him with a dirt-bullet on the Calf of his leg, which made him give such a leap, that down came the basket with the glasses clattering upon the stones, making such a murther amongst them, that never was a Citizen (though he owed ten thousand pound more then he was worth) so much broken as they. The fellow seeing his glasses thus mortified, cursed most bitterly, breathing forth nothing but revenge, if he did but know who it was that did it. I who was conscious of my own guilt, hearing him so to thunder, thought some of his anger might lighten on me, and therefore to prevent the worst, I ran up the stairs, and hid my self under the bed; but he that hath a bad name is worse then half hang’d, the shoomakers who I had mischiefed before, right or wrong, said positively that it was I, urging him on to revenge hiself on my Uncles glass-windows; the fellow who was easily induced to believe what they said, and to act accordingly, made no more adoe but up with his empty basket, and to revenge his quarrel made such havock of the windows, that there was scarcely ever a quarrel left. O how did my Uncle look, and my Aunt scold to see their house thus metamorphosed into the shape of a Bawdy-house; but it was in vain for them to complain, every one took the mans part, and laid all the blame of the mischief upon me; hereupon was a privy search made all the house over for me, and being found my poor buttocks paid full dearly for the breaking of the windows, my Aunt standing by all the while to see execution done upon me, and urging my Uncle on to beat me, for which I cursed her in my heart most bitterly.

CHAP. VII.

He discovers his Aunts playing loose with a Shopkeeper, his Vncles invective against women.

My Aunts unkindness to me vexed me to the heart, so that I vowed to my self to be revenged on her; the print of the rod did not stick so fast on my buttocks as the remembrance of her words did stick in my minde; I was not so watched by Argus as I watched her, for I knew that women were subject to many faults, and my Aunt as subject as any of the rest; One Shopkeeper used constantly to haunt our house, not a day passed in which we had not his company; This man my uncle entertained with very much respect, for what reason I know not, unless it were that of the Poets.

Experience plainly doth unto us shew,

Cuckolds are kind to them that make them so.

One day my Uncle went forth to dress a patient, no sooner was he gone but the Shopkeeper was there; Now our whole family consisted only of four persons, my Uncle and Aunt, a maid and my self; in order therefore for their more privacy, the maid was sent to the market to buy eggs, and my self had liberty to go forth to play; I kindely thanked my Aunt for this courtesie, and taking my hatt, with a seeming forwardness pretended to go forth: but clapping to the door on the in side, I softly sneaked back and hid my self under the staires, where undiscerned I could plainly see all the passages between my Aunt and the Shopkeeper. He thinking us gone, took my Aunt by the hand, and clasping his arm about her neck, fell to kissing her with as much eagerness as a hungry dog snatcheth at a bone; no doubt but her lips were very sweet, for he was still hanging at them as if he had taken a lease of them for three lives; at last my Aunt began to struggle (I suppose for want of breath) and opening her mouth (which I wisht a hundred times had been closed eternally) she thus said to him: No pish, why do you thus trifle? now that the Coast is clear, let us take time by the for-lock lest we be prevented of our design: in sooth you are so long about the prologue, as may chance to marr the Comedy; make not such a long stop at the porch, but enter loves Cittadel, and ransack all her treasures, and so giving him a short kiss, hand in hand up stairs they went. No sooner were they gone, but I slipt out of my peeping hole, and coming to the door at the stairs foot, softly locked the same, and putting the key in my pocket, with as little noyse conveyed my self out of the house.

Thus whilest they were playing their game, I resolved to play mine, and hiring a Porter, sent him to my Uncle, to certifie him that my Aunt was swounded away, and laid upon the bed in such a condition as would grieve him to the heart to behold it, desiring him to make all the haste home that possibly he could; and having given him his message, I stept aside to a neighbors house to observe (when my uncle came home) how the project would take.

The Porter quickly dispatched his errand, and my Uncle suddenly posted home, where entering the house and finding not any one within, he began first to call for the maid, then for me, and last of all for my Aunt; but receiving no answer, he attempted to go up stairs, when the locksmiths daughter denyed him entrance. The two Lovers (who by this time had verified the saying to be true, that a man may be made a Cuckold in the short time of going to a neighbors house, as well as going a voyage to the West-Indies) hearing my Uncle below, were almost distracted with this surprize; my Aunt dreaded my Uncles anger, knowing him to be of a very chollerick disposition; and the poor Shopkeeper feared to be served as the Country Clown served the Curate whom he took in bed with his wife, and whom he thus menaced.

Make me a Cuckold, reading Rogue:

No pulpit serve but Susan’s,

Must Susan’s smock your pulpit be?

Ile take away that Nusance.

And though Priest wept, and wife did beg,

Churl slighted words and tears,

And at one gash from Curate took

Musquet and Bandaliers.

This feare of loosing his generals made him to shake worse than if he had had a Tertian ague, and therefore to prevent it he crept underneath the bed, whilest my Aunt went down stairs intending to smother up all with a dissembling kiss; but when she saw the door was fast, and my uncle asked her why she locked it? she could not tell what answer to make at present; but being well principled in the mysteries of Venus, she soon recollected her self, and with a sorrowfull voice (as if she had been sick of a feaver for a fortnight together) she pewled out these words: Ah dear Husband (said she) I was lately taken with such a great swimming in my head, as not able to sit up longer, I was forced to go up stairs and lie down upon the bed; in the mean time I suppose your unhappy kinsman (who minds nothing but mischief) hath in revenge of me for causing him to be beaten, locked the door, and thrown away the key. Whilest she was thus exclaiming on me, I came in puffing and blowing as seeming quite orewearied with play, and as if ignorant of what had hapned, asked very earnestly what was the matter? My Aunt though she were mue’d up like a hawk, yet hearing my tongue, could not forbear to vend her spleen against me in these words: You impudent young Rogue (said she) doe you act mischief and then plead ignorance? O that I were but well for thy sake, I would make every limb of thee feel the weight of my displeasure, concluding her invective with as horrid a yelling as an old woman grown hoars with crying of Sprats, or as a company of dogs when they bark at the Moon.

My Uncle who was of the same nature that other Cuckolds are commonly of, to believe whatsoever their Wife doe say unto them, hearing her so positively to affirm it was I that did it, he began presently to ransack my pockets for the key, protesting if he found the same about me, he would make me an example of his severity. But I who always dreaded what might ensue, to prevent such after claps, had before bestowed the same in a house of office. No sooner had my Uncle examined my pockets, (where was not any thing to be found that might do me a prejudice,) but I began to enveigh against my Aunts malice in blaming my innocency, and to perswade him it could be no other then some thief, who whilest my Aunt slept, having locked the door, had hid himself in one of the Chambers. This though it carried but little show of probability in it, yet the fear of loosing his Mammon made him believe any thing, and therefore presently sent me for a Smith to break open the door, which being done, we all three ascended the stairs to search for his hidden Thief, although my Aunt vehemently urged the contrary, alleadging it was impossible that any one should go up the stairs but she must needs hear them; how ever my uncle would not be so pacified, but searching about, he at last spyed the poor Shopkeeper as he lay shaking underneath the bed half dead with fear. But when he saw who it was, turning to my Aunt he said, You impudent whore, do you abuse me thus? you could feign sickness with a pox to you, when you were so rampant as to Cornute me in my absence: is this your pretended chastity and reservation? I shall take a time when to be even with you; In the mean time Master Shopkeeper (said he) I will have my pennyworths out of you, and thereupon falling on him with his fists, (anger giving him at once both strength and courage) he so buffeted the Shopkeeper, that had not the Smith interposed, I suppose he would go near to have killed him; but after an hundred or above of blows, the Smith stepped in betwixt them, giving the Shopkeeper liberty to run away, bearing along with him the marks of my Uncles anger, which he wore as badges in his face for a long time after.

My Aunt seeing how bad the Shopkeeper had sped, and knowing the business too apparent to be denied, fell down on her knees, desiring my Uncle to pardon her for what was past, and protesting amendment for the time to come; this her humiliation much mollified the edge of my Uncles anger, who in stead of beating her (which I heartily wished) fell a railing on the whole sex of women in general, in these or the like words.

O Nature! why didst thou create such a plague for men as women; how happy were men had they never been; oh why could not Nature infuse the gift of procreation in men alone without the help of women? then should we never be acquainted with the deceitful devices of those Devils, Harpies, Cockatrices, the very Curse of man, dissembling monsters, only patcht up to cozen and gull men; borrowing their Hair from one, Complexions from another, nothing of their own that’s pleasing, all dissembled, not so much as their very breath is sophisticated with Amber pellets and kissing causes, and all to train poor man unto his ruine. A woman shee’s an Angel at ten, a Saint at fifteen, a Devil at forty, and a Witch at fourscore, so stufft with vice as leaves no place for vertue to inhabit; of such crooked conditions, and corrupt actions, that if all the world were paper, the Sea inke, trees and plants, penns, and all men Clerks, Scribes, and Notaries, yet would all that paper be scribled over, the inke wasted, penns worn to the stumps, and all the Scriveners weary, before they could describe the hundredth part of a womans wickedness, so that I may very well conclude with the Poet.

There is not one good woman to be found;

And if one were, she merits to be crown’d.

This my Uncles invective puts me in mind of a story which I have heard since, concerning the scarcity of good women, that above five hundred years agone, there was a great sickness almost throughout the whole world, wherein there dyed forty four millions, eight hundred seventy two thousand, six hundred and eighty three good women, and of bad women only two hundred and fourteen; by reason whereof there hath been such a scarcity of good women ever since, the whole breed of them being then almost utterly extinct.

CHAP. VIII.

His Aunt and the maid joyn together, and by a blinde wager make him to be laughed and hooted at by the boyes; he is soundly revenged on them both for the same.

Never was Prentice more subject to a Master then my Aunt was to my Uncle, after the discovery of her leachery; his desires were commands, and those commands laws which were by her put in speedy execution, if he bid her go, she would run; doe that, it was no sooner said then done, but the greatest miracle of all was, that if she were never so busy in talking, yet if he said but peace, she would suddenly hold her tounge, which before used to be in perpetual motion, and was as hard to be stopped as a stream when it hath overflowne its banks, or the sails of a mill when the wind blows in its greatest violence, so that a serene sky seemed to have succeeded that storm that all things were pacified, and that my Uncle had contentedly put his horns in his pocket.

But though she carried fair weather in her countenance, she had storms of revenge in her heart towards me; for she did more than conjecture that it was I which had caused her all this mischief; and therefore since she durst not vend her spleen upon me her self, she used the help of her Maid, who brought the same to pass after this manner.

One evening (my uncle being abroad) whilest she, the maid and I were sitting alone by the fire, after some other discourse, the maid profer’d to lay a wager with me that I could not blindfolded with my tongue lick forth a six pence from betwixt her breasts, this I thought so easy a thing to do, that I willingly laid a shilling with her on the same, and presently accorded for to be blinded: which whilest she was doing, my Aunt (as it was before agreed) stepped forth of doors, and called in a Boy who was to act their design, as also some of the neighbours to be spectators of this my folly. Now in stead of the Maids brest, the Boyes Hose were put down, and his naked breech exposed to be the object for me to lick, which I greedily persued: but presently hearing a gigling, and senting a ranck smell, I soon desisted, as being very apprehensive what the matter was. But when I was unblinded, and beholding my shame before my eyes, I hung down my head and look't like a dog that had stole a pudding, much blaming my credulity, and bitterly cursing the great cause of that their jollity.

For a long time after I could not walk the streets, I was so laughed and hooted at by the Boyes, my Aunt and the Maid having spread the same abroad in every place, flesh and blood could not endure this, to see my enemies triumph in my shame, so that nothing now ran in my mind but revenge, the very thought of mischief was more sweet unto me than Muscadine and Eggs, and soon I thought upon a way for to do it. One of our neighbours who beared a little love to my Aunt, as she did to me, or loyalty to my Uncle, having a burning glass, I imparted my project unto him, who applauding my invention, willingly lent me the same; thus fitted with an instrument, I soon found out an opportunity to work my revenge. My Aunt being extreamly proud, used to wear Lawn Ruffs of a great value. One Sun-shiney day, sitting in the Shop a sowing with her back towards me, I took the burning-glass, and by attracting the Sun-beams set her Ruffs on a flame about her neck, which made her to shreik and bellow most hiddeously; whereupon I started up, and as if affrighted snatched up a payl of dirty water away from the Maid wherewith she was washing the Kitchin, and poured the same on my Aunts head; this though it made her to look like a Bawd that was newly alighted from the Cart wherein she had ridden for the sin of leachery, did she take as a great courtesie at my hands, having thereby extinguisht the fire wherein otherwise she might (she said) have perisht; not in the least judging it was I that did it, but imputing it as a just Judgment upon her for her intollerable pride, and vowing thereafter to be more humble in her carriage, and loving unto me.

Now though I thought I had plenary satisfaction for my abuse, of my Aunt, yet I resolved that the maid should in no case go scotfree, but that her disgrace should be equal to mine; Being thus resolved, I procur’d some Emmets Eggs by the help of a Countryman; the nature of which are, that being taken, in broth posset, ale, or the like, they will set the parties on farting, as if they would break their very twatling strings therewith. The very next day after I had gotten them, my Uncle had invited some Guests to dinner, wherefore I resolved to put my resolution in execution then. That morning the maid to strengthen her the better to go through her work, had provided her self a Caudle, she being of the same nature that most women are of, to know very well what is good for themselves, no sooner was her back turned, but I conveyed the Eggs into the same, which she very freely drank off, but presently her Belly began to wamble, and her back-side proclaimed aloud that she was very much troubled with winde; such loud reports she gave, and so fast they came one after another, that the good wife in the Tale of the Fryer and the Boy, was a meer nothing to her. I could not forbear laughing if I should have been hang’d to hear how fast she trumpt it about, which gave her occasion to mistrust that I had done something unto her; but when she went to rail at me, her tongue could not be heard for the exceeding noise that she made with her Tail. By this time my Aunt was come down off her Chamber, but hearing how the Maid talkt to her at both ends, she could not forbear laughing neither, which vexed the Maid worse than before. My Uncle hearing the great noise that was made, came also to see what was the matter, but Jane (for so was the Maids name) was so ashamed that she could not speak one word for blushing, only that her Tail proclaimed that she had a very great Civil War within her belly: poor Jane did all she could to hold it in but it would not do, but out it flew with such impetuosity, that my uncle could less forbear then we, but laughed as if he would have split himself. This treble noise of laughter made Jane to think that we had all conspired against her, wherefore she got into her Chamber, and notwithstanding dinner was to dress, yet locking the door, all the Rhetorick that could be used to her, could not prevail with her to quit her Chamber all that day.

Next morning (her body being now in a quiet temper) she appeared out of her den, but who should then have seen her looks might plainly perceive how anger and shame strove which should have most predominancy in her; at first her Clack began to go, but my Aunt pacifying her, she fell to her work as she was accustomed. Now over night I had so devulg’d it amongst the Boyes, that when that forenoon she was sent to market, she had not been far out of doors but she had a hundred boyes at her heels, farting with their mouths, and making such loud hoots and hollows, that she was forced to return back again, where inclosing her self within her Chamber till night, she packt up her cloaths and in the dusk of the Evening departed away, whither I never saw her afterwards.

CHAP. IX.

Some abuses of Chyrurgions; the knavery of Tapsters, Hostlers and Chamberlains, with a brief character of a drunken Host.

Having now attained to about twelve years of age, my uncle began to instruct me somewhat in his art of Chyrurgery, intending when I had attained some small perfection therein, to send me to Sea, although my minde never stood that way, resolving not to be mue’d up in a wooden Cage, where there was but some few inches distance continually betwixt me and death. In this small tract of time that I was thus employed with my Uncle, I found out much cuningness in his art whereby to gain money, for if it were but a prickt finger, he would make a great matter of it, and tell you what danger you had been in if you had staid but a minute longer; instancing how such a one his Patient by only cutting of a Corn, and drawing blood, it turned to a Gangreen, which by bad handling of unskilful Chyrurgions growing worse and worse, they were at last inforced to send for him, who in a few days made him perfectly sound, that otherwise (had he not come to him) must inevitably have perisht.

Now because monyed Customers were something rare, when they did come we made both their bodies and purses smart for it; lengthening out the healing of their wounds, the better to wire-draw their purses. Indeed we were not so much beholding to the Wars, as we were to the Stews, unless sometimes a Tavern quarrel brought us a Patient; but then what a brave incitement we had to make him part with his mony, telling him he might recover that and ten times more of his Adversary, that we would be witness for him, and that if he had not met with a skilful Chyrurgion, it would have cost him his life; when as perhaps it was but a little scratch, his block-head being too hard for to receive any deep wound.

One story of a Patient I shall relate, not so much to show the rarity of his cure, but the malice of a woman which occasioned his hurt.

The fellow by his profession was a Plaisterer, who had a most damnable scold to his wife, that used to fetch him from the Ale-house with a Horse-pox; one night coming home three quarters drunk, she acted the part of Zantippe, and make the House to ring with her scolding; this musick was so untunable in her husbands ears, that getting a Cudgel in his hands, he fell to be labouring her as Sea-men do stock-fish, until he made her to ask him forgiveness, and promise him never to scold so again: Having thus as he thought got an absolute conquest over her tongue, he went quietly to Bed, where he slept soundly, whilest she lay awake studying of mischief. In the morning before he wak't she examind his pockets for mony, the common tricks of a great many women; but found nothing in them save only some lath-nails; these did she take and set upright all about the Chamber, which done she gets a pail of water in her hands, and calling aloud, commands him to rise, which he refused to do, she throws the pail of water upon the Bed; this so vext him that starting suddenly up, he went to run after her, when his naked feet lighting upon the lath nails, he was forced to slacken his pace, being so mortified with them, that for three quarters of a year afterwards he lay under my Uncle’s hands.

But to return where I left. I had not been long at the Trade, when my Uncle one day walking down to Wapping, provided me of a master to go to Sea, which (as I told you before) I was fully resolved against, and therefore very peremptorily I told him that I would not go, which so incensed him that he vow’d that I should not stay any longer in his house; I was the less troubled at his words because the day before I had heard of a Tapster in an Inn not far off that wanted a Boy; thither therefore went I and profferd my service unto him, which he as readily accepted, and the same night was I entertained into the House, he having heard the cause of my departure from my Uncle, for which he rather blamed him than me.

Now was I in my Kingdom having store of company, and my fill of strong drink, which two things I dearly loved. I applied my self to my calling very diligently, and soon learned to cry Anon, anon Sir, and By and by, with as much alacrity as the best Tapsters Boy in Christendom. My Master taught me how to nick the Canns, and froth the Jugs, and with the crotched chalk to score up two flaggons for one, and I quickly found the way, when Company was drinking to take away flaggons before they were half empty, and full tobacco-pipes amongst the foul ones. When Company first came in, I always observ’d to bring them of the best liquor, but when they were half drunk, then that which run on Tilt, or the drappings of the tap should serve their turn; if they found fault, I would take it away to change it, but nevertheless they should be sure to pay for it, as if they had drunk it.

One thing I observed of my master, that if the Reckoning once came to above three shillings, he would be sure to bring in six pence or eight pence more than it was; then when the Company were going away he would say, Nay stay, Gentlemen, & take my half dozen Cans before you go, which most commonly produced another reckoning, the Gentlemen not knowing how to retaliate his kindness without doing so, by this means getting their mony, with thanks to boot. If Gentlemen brought tobacco of their own, we would say it stunk were it never so good, and feigning a Cough as if half stifel’d, cry out, Who is it that takes of this stinking stuff? this is enough to suffocate the Devil. Which would make some Gentlemen to throw away their pipes and say, Pox on this Grocer he hath cheated me damnably, come give us three pipes of your tobacco, which when they have had they would commend for superexcellent, although perhaps twelve pence in the pound worse than his own, by which may be proved that tobacco is nothing else but a meer fancy.

I seeing my master cozen Gentlemen so frequently, thought with my self that I might cozen them also, or at least-wise cozen my master, who so often cozened others, being warranted thereto by that of the Poet.

Cozen the Cozener, commonly they be

Profain, let their own snare their ruine be.

And therefore when he was out of the way, to the reckoning I would add a groat, six pence, eight pence, or twelve pence, according as it was in bigness, which yet I would also score up, lest if he came in the way before it was paid, and should tell the score; I might be mistrusted; but if I received the mony before he came, then the over-plus went into my own pocket, which could not be discovered when the chalk was wiped out.

In Summer, when people drank in Canns, if my Master were in company (as oft-times he was invited by Guests to drink with them) we had a Can with a false bottom that held not above a quarter of a pint, which in the delivery of them I always so ordered as that Can came to his hands, which he would drink off leisurely, and then turning the bottom upwards, it past undiscerned, saving thereby much beer in a day, keeping himself sober to drink in other companies.

In Winter for morning-draughts we furnished our Guests with Gravesend toasts, which is bread toasted over night, our plenty of Guests not permitting us to do it in the morning; if we put any of them into drink before our Guests (as sometimes we were forced to do) we would be sure to warm the beer or ale before-hand, and in putting in the toast cry siz, although it were as cold as a stone.

But my Master and I were not all the cozeners that belonged to the Inn, the Hostler claimed as great a share in that mistery as we. His chief cunning consisted in tallowing Horse-teeth that they should eat no hay; or when a Gentleman gave his Horse oats, no sooner was his back turn’d, but he would steal them half away, telling the Gentleman, his Horse must needs travel well he was so quick at his meat. If a Gentleman’s saddle were any thing torn he would be sure to make it so bad that he could not ride any further with it without mending, as also to spoyle the shoes on the Horses feet, that he must be forced to have new ones, for which he had pensions from the Smith and the Sadler.

Nor must I here forget the Chamberlain, who deserved to be rancked with the foremost for Roguery; he was a sly thief, and used to cheat Guests with foul sheets, pretending them to be clean, when as they had been lain in three or four times; and then a little water strowed on them, and foulded up and prest, made them seem as if new washt. He was a very diligent observer of Gentlemens Cloakbags, whether they had good silver linings in them or no, which if he found to be ponderous, his next care was to inquire what Country-men they were, which way they travelled, and the like, which having found, he gave intelligence accordingly to a Gang of Highway men, with whom he was in continual pay.

These were the Servants that belonged to this Inn, such a parcel of Canary-birds as well deserved to look through a Hempen Casement at the three corner’d tenement in the high-way betwixt London and Paddington. Were not those Guests well blest think ye, which hapned in such a place where none but knaves, thieves, and cheaters were their attendants? Now you cannot but imagine that the Master of such Servants was well worthy of his place, I shall therefore only give you a brief character of the Host himself, and so proceed on in my discourse.

He seemed by his bulk to be of the race of the old Gyants, and though his belly were not so big as the tun at Heidleburg, yet a flaggon of beer therein seemed no more than a man in Pauls. He commanded with as much imperiousness as if he were the great Cham of Tartaria, and had an excellent faculty to strut along the streets with the top of his staff bobbing against his lips, he could call the young wenches whores with a great grace; and when he took tobacco, his mouth vented smoak like the funnel of a Chimney. He much blamed the English for affecting to drink wine, preferring beer and ale before all forraign liquors whatsoever. To show his loving nature he would drink with all companies, and would toss off a Cann with celerity and dexterity. He would not be jealous though he saw another man kissing his wife, knowing such her familiarity to be the greatest Load-stone that attracted Guests to his house, in summe, his forenoons work was to scoope in beer by the Quart, and the most part of the afternoon to spend in sleeping.

In this house I wasted away my time nigh three quarters of a year, but then a sad accident befel my Master, which left me again to shift for my self; he had belike been dabling in private with Prudence, one of the maids belonging to the house, I know not what the business was, but she looked so bigly on him that he could not endure her sight, and therefore to avoid it, he privately put off his Cellar to another, and having received his money, marched off incognito, leaving me to the wide world; for this new Tapster having a boy of his own, dismissed me to shift for my self.

CHAP. X.

The cheats of Cookes, a story of the Spirit in the Buttery, he steals a silver Bowl, the Cozenages of Astrologers; the death of his Father being killed in a drunken brangling.

Long I was not without a Master, being entertayned into a Cooks service, of which I rejoyced not a little, being in good hope however the world went, that I should not be starved in a Cookes shop, one extraordinary priviledge I had by living in this service; for if the old proverb be true, that the nearer the bone, the sweeter the flesh, then I always ate of the sweetest, my diet being to pick the bones that came off of Gentlemens Tables. During the time that I lived here, although I had been a young wench, I should not needed to have feared being troubled with the Green-sickness, running up and down stairs so many score times in a day would have cured me of that malady; those who had seen my nimbleness would have absolutely judged that my shooes were made of cork, I was as light heel’d as she who hath made her Husband Cuckold seven and twenty times over. My Master drave a great trade, not onely in boil’d meat and roast meat, but also in baking small pies, which the women cryed up and down the streets for him. Every Friday I observed we had brought in a Porters basket full or two of pieces of raw meat, which though me thought they smelt very unsavory, yet were they made use of, some minced, others pepper’d and salted, and put into pies, ere the week went about they all marcht off, I wondered for a great while from whence this meat came, at last I was informed by one of the Prentices, that it was such pieces as were cut off of the stinking raw hides, that were brought into Leaden-hall to sell there on Fridays; bless me thought I, what deceit is here! then did I think on the old Proverb, that the blind eats many a fly. No marvel that sicknesses are so rife, since such unwholsome food must needs introduce them. Now because those pieces of meat were lean and dry, they used to mix with them such fat pieces of meat as Gentlemen left, adding thereto some dripping, and such like stuff, which altogether made a gallant hodg-podg for hungry stomacks.

To roast meat twice over is so commonly now used amongst most Cooks, that I think I shall not need to mention this as a rarity in my Master; and yet would not that, nor what I mentioned before, nor his buying of Carrion, such meat as would have dyed alone had it not been killed, being diseased or maimed, and selling it for good; all this (I say) would not do, notwithstanding all his great pains, but still he went backwards in the world; which puts me in mind of a story that I have heard some while ago, concerning an evil spirit that haunts the houses of such persons who use unconscionable wayes whereby to grow rich, which though it be nothing as concerning my life, yet I think it not amiss to relate the same, as being not altogether impertinent to our purpose.

In the City of Bristol (a place which may compare with the choicest of England for the fairness of the buildings, and richness of trading) within the memory of our Fathers, there lived a young man named Francisco, who although prentice to a Baker, yet when his time came out, set up the trade of a Cook. This young man was very desirous to gain a great estate quickly, and so impatient he was of being rich on a sudden, that he resolved to leave no means unattempted which should lye in his way whereby he might effect his desire, for so he might gain, he stood not upon what means whereby he might doe it; bad infected meat he sold for good, nickt his Canns, froatht his Jugs, scored up two flaggons for one, yea what not? but all his endeavours arrived not to that height which he expected, for notwithstanding he went forward in trading, doe what he could he went backwards in thriving. This Francisco had a Priest to his Uncle, that lived about some twenty miles off him, who had bestowed some small matter on him when his time came out whereby to set him up, and two years being now expired, he repaired to his Nephew to see how fortune had favor’d him, and whether he had made any improvement of that little he had given him. The Nephew entertained him kindly, and feasted him royally, but when his Uncle asked him how the world went with him, he could not chuse but sigh, telling him what endeavours he had used whereby to encrease his estate, but that all proved fruitless. Ah Cozen (said the old man) come along with me, and I will show you the thief that steals away all your gains, and thereupon taking him by the hand he lead him into the Cellar, where when they were come, they beheld a big fellow with a paunch like a tun, his eyes strutting out with fatness, his thighes like to mill-posts, so unweildy that he could hardly go; there they saw him gurmandizing on the cold meat that was left, devouring more in a minute then six hungry plough-men could doe in half an hour; after he had so eaten, he takes a flaggon in his hand, and of the best beer, swallows down five or six of them full one after another, which being done he vanisht away; this Cousin (said the Priest) is the Spirit of the Buttery, who so long as you use unconscionable wayes by cheating of people, hath power over what you have, which he will so invisibly devour, that do what you can for the gaining of an estate, it is but all in vain; and therefore if you intend to thrive, you must take a clean contrary course to what you have done, and by dealing honestly, there is no question but a blessing will follow upon your endeavours.

The young man promised very faithfully to do according to his Uncles directions, who thereupon returned home again: accordingly when his Uncle was gone, he began to work a thorow reformation, bought of the best meat, sold good pennyworths, filled his flaggons, scored right, and dealt justly in all his acting, doing this, he quickly begins to thrive in the world, grows rich, purchases house and land, and hath a great stock by him besides; in so much that his wealth being taken notice of, he was soon after chosen one of the Aldermen of the City. His Uncle afterwards comes again to visit him, to whom he relates his change of condition, and how God had blessed him with a plentifull estate. Now Cousin (said the old Priest) let us again visit your Cellar; when they came there, they beheld a thin, lean, meager fac’d fellow, one that seemed more like an Anatomy than a man; his ribs appeared through his cloaths, his eyes were sunck into his head, his cheeks look’d like to shriveld parchment, and his legs (which were no bigger than cat-sticks that boys use at trap-ball) were so weak as would hardly support his body. He went to a platter of cold meat, but had not strength enough to lift it up to his head; afterwards he assayed to draw some beer, but could not pull the tap out of the fasset, so that seeing his endeavours were in vain, with a deep sigh he vanisht away. Now Nephew (said the old Priest) you may plainly perceive what it was that hinder’d you from thriving before and therefore now since you are thoroughly instructed whereby to be rich, I shall take my leave of you, wishing with all my heart that all of your profession would leave off their cheating and couzening tricks, and take the same course of life whereby to thrive as you have done.

Now, said he, what think you of this discourse? is this quiet besides the matter or no? in truth (quoth I), I think it is very pertinent to the purpose, and I wish all tradesmen would follow the example, for when they have done all they can, they will finde in the end that honesty is the best policy, and to deal justly the high-way to grow rich: the best bed-fellow to sleep with is a good conscience, and well doing (were there no reward for it in the world to come) yet were it a sufficient recompence in it self. But leaving this discourse, as that which is rather to be wished for, than ascertained to be practised in this evil age of ours: let me entreat you to proceed on in the discourse of your life, as a thing which I much desire to hear.

That shall I gladly do, said he. Know then that after I had been at this Cooks some small space of time, my Father returned home from being a Soldier, in that voyage he was prest out as I told you of before; now though he did not go out full, he returned home more empty than he went out; without cloaths, and without money to buy any; and which was worst so pinched with hunger, that he looked like a scare-crow, or one newly risen from the dead. It grieved my heart to see him in this condition, but how to remedy it I did not know; some little money I had which was left of that I snipt in the Tapsters service, which I very freely bestowed upon him, but alas that was gone as soon almost as received, and I having no more to supply him, he asked me if we had no plate, that went about the house? I told him we had; then (said he) to furnish me, you must at such time as your house is full of Guests, upon their going away convey a silver bowl into a secure place, which you may afterwards deliver for me to one whom I will send for that purpose, for I will not come to your house my self, because there shall be no suspition of me; I promised him to do as he bid me, appointing him the time when he should send the man, which was the next day; accordingly he came and I deliver’d him a large silver bowl, which he carried cleverly away. At night when my Master came to lock up his plate, the best bowl was missing, which put all the house into disorder; my Master swore, my Mistress scolded, the Servants grumbled, but who to blame not any one could tell; onely the maid said she saw it in my hand that afternoon, for which I wisht her tongue in a cleft stick, but stoutly denyed that I had seen it that day: indeed my Master had a great conceit of my honesty or else her bawling might have discover’d me, for had they charg’d me with it strongly, I should not have had the impudence to have stood out in the denyal of it, having that within me which strongly checked me for doing it. But after some small inquisition about it, it was generally agreed that some of the Guests had stollen it away; then next was inquiry made what several companies we had that day, and which of them was the most to be suspected; but the more they thought, the worse they were satisfied, not one appearing more probable than another; wherefore it was agreed by a general consent, that the next morning the Maid and I should go to a cunning Astrologer about it, one who was cryed up for art to be little inferior to Fryer Bacon, for though he could not make a brazenhead to speak, yet he had such a brazen face of his own, as could out-face the Devil himself for lying.

I was not afraid to go, though I knew my own guilt, because I always judged that Art to be a meer cheat, and though they lay their nets very plausibly to take the people; yet they seldome catch any but owls and wood-cocks. Knocking at the door, Master Astrologer came out unto us, so wrapped up in his Purple Gown, that you could scarcely see e'r an honest limb of him; he had on his head a black cap with a white one under it, which was turned up some part over the black one, that it looked like a black Jack tipt with silver. After we had discovered our business unto him, he told us the price of his art was a shilling whether he found out the thief or no; we knew it was in vain for us to contend with him, and therefore we very freely gave it him, by which he perceived that the stars were very auspitious to him in that hour, or else (for ought I know) he might have gone without his mornings-draught. When he had received our money he very formally set himself down in a Chair, having a peice of white paper before him, and then taking a pen in his hand, he made thereon several Triangles and Quadrangles, with other Crotchets and Whimsies, which he called the twelve Houses. Jupiter said he being Lord of the Ascendent, signifies good luck for the gaining your Cup agen, did not Mars interpose with an evil aspect towards Mercury. Now Venus being on the fiery Trigon, denotes the party that had it lives either East or West; and Saturn being Retrograde, and in the Cusp of Taurus, it must needs be that it is hidden under ground either North or South. Then asked he us if there were not a red hair’d man there that day? we told him no, nor a black hair’d man neither said he? we still answer’d no; nor was there not (said he) a brown hair’d man there, with grey Cloaths, not very tall, nor very low? we told him yes; then asked he us if we knew him or no? we answered no. The Sun saith he being ill posited in the eleventh House, and Mercury in Trine with Virgo it was without all doubt a brown hair’d man that had your bowl. Then asked I him if it might not be a woman as well as a man? this put him something to his trumps; but when the Maid said that could not be, for there was never a strange woman there all that day, he grew bold and answer’d, no; for Venus said he being weak in reception with Gemini, and the Moon in her detriment, both Feminine Planets, does plainly tell that it was a man, and one betwixt forty and fifty years of age. Upon my life said the Maid, I saw the party that had it, he was a curld pated fellow, with a whitish Cloak and a sad coloured suit, about thirty years of age, he dined in the half Moon, and had six penny worth of roast beef to his dinner; but if ever I see the Rogue agen, ile teach him to steal bowls with a murrain to him. I could not chuse but laugh to my self at the wenches confidence, and the cheat of the Astrologer, and to think how poor silly people are cozened by these Jugling Artists, for no better term can I give them, as believing no truth at all in their prædictions; for let me ask them this question, whether the Stars do compel or only encline? if they say they compel, they speak little less than blasphemy, by ascribing too much to Nature, and derogating from the Deity. If they only encline, then what sure ground-work can there be for what they say, when their conjectures are but only probable? And for their Doctrine of nativities, that if a man be born under such a Planet, his destiny will be so and so, and he will come to such an end; we see oft-times that in a battel, a Canon bullet kills five or six at one instant, who no doubt were born under several Planets, and yet come all to one fate; or if they say it is possible so many might be born under one and the self same Planet and aspects; yet let me go further with them; we have known battels at Sea, when by an unhappy shot a Ship hath sunk in an instant, with six or seven hundred men in her, who have all been drowned in the deep. Will they say these were all born under one Planet? verily if they should so say, I should not believe them; therefore I may say of our Astrologers as Cato said of the Aruspices of Rome in his time, that he wondred how one of them could forbear to laugh, when he met with any of his fellows, to see how they deceived men, and made a great number of simple ones in the City. But I tire your patience with this digression, for I expect not my words will work any Reformation in them, seeing they may say with Demetrius in the Acts of the Apostles, that by this Craft they get their wealth.

To return therefore where we left, having taken leave of the Astrologer, away we went home agen, fraught with a Sackful of news to tell our Master. No sooner were we within doors, but the Maid set her clack agoing; Master (said she) the Cunning man hath told us exactly who it was that stole your bowl, he hath described him fully from top to toe, not so much as his very shoostrings but he told us of what colour they were of, his hat, his hair, his beard, his doublet, breaches, hose, not one thing that he omitted. I served the Rogue that stole it with Roast-beef my self, the Devil choak him with it, for I think silver will not; but if ever he comes here again, or that I meet him in the streets, ile serve him such a trick as shall make him wish he had never drank out of any thing in his life but a wooden dish. I said nothing all this while, and though I knew she lied most abominably in what the Astrologer said, yet I confirmed her speeches, hoping this would forever take away suspition from me of being culpable, only I thought with my self if that party she imagined to have it should come again to the House, what a coil she would make with him; but whether she forgot his Physiognomy, or that the man never came there agen, I never after that heard any more of the matter.

In the mean time my father had disposed of the purchased prize, bought him an old suit with some part of the mony, and ranted it in the ale-house with the rest of it, for what is thus gotten over the Devils back is for the most part spent under his belly. At last his sinful life had a Tragical conclusion, for one of his Comrades and he being fudling together, they chanced to fall out, and from words proceeded to blows, where my father recieved such a knock on his pate with a flaggon, that though it killed him not out-right, yet he survived not long after; making his end answerable to his life: for as he led a troublesome life all the dayes he lived, so he put the Parish to some trouble at his death, who were forced to be at the charge of burying him.

CHAP. XI.

The abuses of Nurses, and keepers of sick people, his Master dyeth, the knavery of his Executor both in his trade and office: he lives with a Locksmith, the knavery of that trade.

I was the less grieved for the death of my father, knowing, if he had lived, he would have brought me to the Gallows, for he would have been always in want, and urging me to supply him, which I could not do any other wayes than by theft; but that now he was dead I resolved quite to give over the practice of it, for fear in the end, it should bring me to look through a hempen casement. And now I bent all my endeavours to please my Master, knowing I had few friends to rely upon; I was up with the first, and down with the last, and refused no work I was set unto, and I found the benefit of my diligence at last, for it pleased God to visit our family with the Pestilence, which in a weeks space, swept away all the whole Houshold but my Master and I. In this weeks time I observed the abuses and cheats of Nurses and Keepers, such who look to people who are visited with the sickness. Two of these Jades we had in our house, who when my mistris lay distracted with the distemper, took away her keys, and ransackt her Trunks, from whence they took a purse full of money, most of it gold, which she had gathered unknown to my Master, intending to keep it for her further need, (or as we say) against a rainy day. Thus these Jades convey’d away together with a great deal of the best linnen in the house, which was done by the help of the watch-man that guarded the door, who was son-in-law to one of the Queans, and now that my Master might not discover their theft, they sent her of an errant to her long home, by giving her drinks and other slops, quite contrary to what the Physicians prescribed, by the same way they dispatch’d the maid, and the Prentices, with a little Girle, the only Child my Master had; and now was none remaining but my Master and I, whom they intended should have followed after the rest, then they might have plundered without controul; but I seeing how soon my fellows were gone, and observing that they all dy’d presently after they had received any of their slops, would have nothing to do with them, perswading my Master to do the like, affirming it even before their faces, that they were the persons that had kill’d my Mistriss and the rest, and would if let alone, make a hand of us too. But these impudent Jades hearing me begin to discover their villanies, would have perswaded my Master that I was also infected, and that it had already taken my brain, which caused me to talk so idly, and so began to seize upon me, intending to have ty’d me into a bed, which if they had done I should never have come out of it alive, but my Master interposing bid them let me alone, for he himself was of the same mind with me. These bold Queans hearing him say so, one of them flew at him; you old dotard said she, do you begin to talke idely too, we must tame you yfaith, & so attempted to pull him down, whilst the other was as busie with me: my Master and I strugling with them what we could: but perceiving them to be too hard for us (for they were two stout Mastiff Queans) we got to the window and cryed as loud as we could, and thereby gathered a great many people together to know what was the matter, to whom we related the great danger we were in of being murdered by the two women that were with us, desiring by all means, that we might be rid of them, they being the greatest plague we were infected withal at the present, and whom we dreaded as much as death it self; Amongst others that came (alarm’d by this outcry) was a Shoomaker that lived not far off who was near of kin to my Master, and thought himself no mean fellow, he being at that time Overseer of the poor, this man kept a great bustle, commanding the door to be broken open, which being done with as much imperiousness as a Countrey Justice domineers over a hedge-breaker, he commands the two women to depart out of the house, which they (being conscious of a self guilt) accordingly did, to the no little joy of my Master and me, who fear’d we should have perished under their merciless hands.

Being rid of these two Harpyes, I was more than double diligent towards my Master, well hopeing that Death with his beesom would sweep him away also, which I judged the rather could come to pass, because the thred of his life was spun out to a far greater length than mine, not at all considering, that the Pestilence makes no difference betwixt age and youth; or if it doth, sooner seizes upon youth than age, as having more matter to work upon. But I was so confident that my Master would die, and that I should live, that I would rather perform all offices towards him, than to admit of a partner to plunder the House with me when he was dead. But three dayes being passed, and no alteration at all appearing in him, I began then to alter my opinion, and feared he would escape and not have it at all; and therefore I began to cast my wits about, and consider with my self, what I had best to do; now I knew conceit would do much with him, and therefore I first begun to tell him, that he looked very ill all of a sudden, asking if he felt no alteration in his body? which at first he said, no; but afterwards upon my perswasions that he must needs be sick, he soon grew conceited that he was so indeed, in so much, that at last I told him, that he had the perfect symptoms of a dying man upon him; those words struck him to the very heart, that without further delay he went to the window, called for a Porter, and sent him for a Shoomaker I spake of before, to come to him presently, and bring a Scrivener along with him. I asked him what he would do with a Scrivener? but when he told me it was to make his will, I was ready to swound, fearing he would take an inventory of his goods also, and so hinder my pelfering when he was dead, for I was now fully minded to theive from him what I could, notwithstanding my resolution but a little before to leave it off, I feared to be known for stealing the silver bowl: so hard it is for those that are principled in wickedness, to leave off that vice they have been accustomed unto; however I praised him for his care therein, that he would settle his mind as to outward affairs, they might be no hindrance to his more pious thoughts, which now should be bent altogether to Heaven-wards.

Scarce had I made an end of praising his good intentions, but that the Shoomaker and the Scrivener were come, to whom out of the window, he declared his mind for the disposing of his estate. First, he commended his Soul unto Heaven, and his Body to Earth, which I wished had been racked up in it before the Scrivener came. Next (said he) for the good and faithful service he hath done me, I bequeath to my Boy Gregory (for that is my name) the sum of twenty pounds, whereof ten pound to be bestowed on him in Schooling,the other ten pound to buy him Cloathes, and put him out to Apprentice to some Handy-craft Trade. I hearing my Master to say this, could not but reflect upon my monstrous ingratitude that I should go to kill him that was so kind to me, and had so much care for my future livelihood; but covetousness cancels all obligations, and therefore is well termed the Spring head of all ungodliness. Next (said he) I bequeath to the poor of the Parish wherein I live, the sum of five pounds, three pound thereof to be laid out on Cloaths for them, to make them apparel, and bestowed on such as my Executor shall see most needful; and the other forty shillings to be laid out in bread for them, and to be distributed the next four Sundayes after my decease, each Sunday alike till it be out. The rest of his estate he gave unto the Shoomaker. whom he made his full and sole Executor, giving him a great charge to be careful of me, and so having subscribed and sealed it, he betook him to his bed, as prepared to die; and free leave he had to go both of me and the Shoomaker also.

To hasten him on the more, I perswaded him to sweat, which he was willing to do; so I covered him with as many Clothes as he was able to bear, and being in a violent sweat, he called for some strong waters; whereupon I went to the Pump and filled him a pint of such sober liquor as that yielded, and brought it to him; which having tasted, he asked me what I had brought him? I told him it was excellent good white anny-seed, he said, it tasted like fair water; I told him, that was only the badness of his Pallet which could not distinguish any thing; truly (said he) it tasteth so small, that I think you may leave the word anny seed out, and call it only white-water. Yet notwithstanding this he found such fault, his parching thirst caused him to drink it all off, which gave such a sudden chill to his blood, that what with that and some other slops that I gave him, in three days time he turned up his heels and dyed.

No sooner was his breath out of his body, but I began to put in execution what before I had intended; and first I examined his pockets, wherein I found the sum of fourteen shillings and nine pence; eleven shillings whereof I took, leaving some, that I might not be suspected to have taken any, but this was nothing to what I thought to find in his Trunck, which I opened with an expectation to have mine eyes blest with the sight of store of white and yellow pieces, but the clouds dropped no such rain, the Trunk courted not me as Jupiter did Diana with a golden showre; some plate was in it, some Bonds and other writings, but no money. This was a shrew’d cooling card to my high hopes, which promised me Mountains, and performed not mole-hills; for as for the plate the Executor knew of each piece in the house, and Bills and Bonds signified no more to me, than meat to an hungry man which he might see but not come at; wherefore seeing it would be no better, I armed my self with patience, considering I had not lost by his death, he having given me twenty pound for the bringing me up to some learning and putting me out Apprentice, by which I hoped to be sufficiently able to live in the World; and therefore having secured the eleven shillings in the Coller of my doublet (mistrusting my pockets might be searched) I called for a messenger, and sent the Executor word of his death, not bidding him to have a care of frighting him in the delivery of his message, for I did not think the sudden news of his death would make him to break his heart with sorrow, there was less fear in that, than of a Usurer undoing a young Heir, when he once gets him into bonds. He having received the news, made no long tarriance before he came to me, bringing a couple of old women along with him to search the dead corps, that an account might be given what he dyed of, which is a thing that (you know) is usual. But before I proceed any further (having occasion here to speak of these searchers) give me leave to mention some abuses and cheats which I have observed to be practised by them.

They are indeed very necessary, especially in great Cities, that an account may be given of what diseases people die of, and that men may not have their lives shortned by violence, which appearing after their deaths, may be by them discovered; but these women have their Cheats too, for notwithstanding they are sworn to give a true information to the Parish Clarks, yet money can so blind their eyes, that if a man be poysoned, they can bring it in that he died of the French-Pox; and though a house be visited with the sickness, yet if the Master thereof be unwilling to be shut up for loosing his trading, if he do but greaze them in the fist with some money, they will make the Pestilence to be surfeit, and the spotted feaver (which is little inferiour to the Plague) the Swine-pox, and sometimes the Meazles; nay once I know two of these Searchers that for money brought it in that the party who had the spotted feaver, dyed of nothing else but the tooth-ach: Thus you see that it is an undeniable maxime, that there is Knavery in all trades, people being now grown so villanous in their practises, that they make the very dead to be accessary to their Cheats.