The Globe’s thy Studye; for thy boundless mind

In a less limit cannot be confind.

Gazing, I here admire: thy very lookes

Shew thou art read as well in men, as bookes.

He that Shall Scan thy face, may judge by it,

Thou hast an Headpeece that is thronged with n’t.

I·F

THE
English Rogue:

DESCRIBED,

IN THE

LIFE

OF

Meriton Latroon,

A Witty Extravagant.

Being a Compleat History of the

MOST

Eminent Cheats

OF

BOTH SEXES.

Read, but don’t Practice: for the Author findes,

They which live Honest have most quiet mindes.

Dixero si quid forte jocosius hoc mihi juris

Cum & eniâ dalis.

London, Printed for Henry Marsh, at the Princes

Arms in Chancery-Lane. 1665.

THE
PREFACE.

Beloved Country-men,

Had I not more respect to my Countries good in general, than any private interest of mine own, I should not have introduc’d my Friend upon the common Theatre of the World, to act the part of a Rogue in the Publick view of all. Rogue! did I call him? I should recal that word, since his Actions were attended more with Witty Conceits, then Life-destroying Stratagems. It is confest, the whole bent of his mind tended to little else then Exorbitancy; and Necessity frequently compelled him to perpetrate Villany: And no wonder, since he lived in the infectious Air of the worst of most Licentious Times. But still I blame my self for stigmatizing him with such an Opprobrious Title, since in the declination of his days, the consideration of his former Wicked Courses hath wrought (I have so much charity for him to believe it) in him cordial contrition, and unfeigned repentance: and the truth of it is, Man should be regarded not for what he was, but what he is.

Since his Reformation, I have taken very great delight in his Conversation, and never went from him but with great satisfaction in the Ingenious Relation of the transactions of his youthful days: And frequently revolving them in my mind, Reason suggested to me, the History of his Life could not but be as profitable as pleasant, if made publick. For herein you may see Vice pourtrayed in her own proper shape, the ugliness whereof (her Vizard-Mask being remov’d) cannot but cause in her (quondam) Adorers, a loathing instead of loving. Wherefore, with my Friends free consent, and being instigated thereunto by many persons inferiour to few, either for Birth, Education, or Natural Parts, I attempted this Essay.

If any be so curious to know what the (Actors you have in the Title) Authors name is, let me crave his pardon for his concealment, and answer him with Plutarch to an inquisitive Fellow, Quum vides velatum, quid inquiris in rem absconditam? It was therefore covered, because he should not know what was in it. It is enough that the Actor hath shown himself willing to declare freely, and without mincing the truth of what he hath done, without knowing who writ it; if the Contents shall as well please as admonish, no matter what I’m call’d. But if you are so desirous to know what the Writer is, I shall briefly inform your curiosity: But I doubt I have undertaken what I cannot perform; for if to know a mans self be more then an Herculean Labour, then without doubt it is beyond the limits of my power to tell you what I am; neither can any man truly know another, unless he first knows himself.

For some few years, the World and I have had a great falling out; and though I have used all probable and possible means, we remain yet unreconcil’d.

My only comfort is, I have a small treasure in Minerva’s Tower, by which I subsist; and by the benefit thereof, can walk abroad, not without taking Observation both from what I hear and see; and returning home, Tam Aulæ vanitatem, quam Fori ambitionem ridere mecum soleo. I can with Democritus laugh at the Actions of men, extracting Wisdome from their Follies, and afterwards lash them with a Rod of Experience made of their own fond inconsiderateness.

As for my part, I am onely a Wise-acre, (a Retort once put upon Ben Johnson), for I have no Acres of Land. But therefore don’t be so unadvised, (as too many are of late) to regard not so much the worth of the Work, as the dignity of the Person. Qui similiter in legendos libros atq; in salutandos homines irruunt, non cogitantes quales, sed quibus vestibus induti sint. They mind not so much what, as who writ it; not the Quality of the Thing, but the Quality of the Author, and a Person of Honour (now adays) being set in the place of the Writer, makes the Book received with a general applause. Pardon as well my Satyrical as Cynical Humour. If any dislike what I have writ, let them let it alone, or publish themselves something of a better Composition. I shall not value any ones Censure, for I have already Antidoted my self against it, by my own dis-esteem I have hereof. I am so far from being Opinionative, that you cannot speak worse then what I judge of it.

Nasutus sis usq; licet, sis deniq; Nasus,

Non potes in nugas dicere plura meas.

Bark, foul-mouth’d carping Momus, if thou durst:

What I have writ is Bad; Now do thy worst.

Thus you see, as I will not arrogate, so I shall not derogate: for as I am so many Parasanges after such a one, yet I may be an Ace above thee, if thou art too Censorious.

But some may say, That this is but actum agere, a Collection out of Guzman, Buscon, or some others that have writ upon this subject; Crambem bis coctam apponere; and that I have onely squeez’d their Juice, (adding some Ingredients of mine own) and afterwards distill’d it in the Lymbeck of my own Head. Non habes confitentem reum, I ne’er extracted from them one single drop of Spirit. As if we could not produce an English Rogue of our own, without being beholding to other Nations for him. I will not say that he durst vye with either an Italian, Spanish, or French Rogue; but having been steept for some years in an Irish Bogg, that hath added so much to his Rogue-ships perfection, that he out-did them all by out-doing one, and that was a Scot; I need not use the Epithite Roguish, since the very name proves it a Tautologie. If I have borrowed any thing, it was not from what past the Press; but what I have taken upon the score in Discourse, &c. I here repay with Usury, but not in the same Commodity. Etiamsi apparet unde sumptum sit, aliud tamen quam unde sumptum fit, apparet. I have not done as the Romans, who robb’d the whole Universe to enrich their ill-sited City; Rome I mean. I skimm’d not off the Cream of other mens Wits, nor Cropt the flowers in others gardens to garnish my own Plots; neither have I Larded my Lean Fancy with the Fat of others Ingenious Labours; but from the dictation of my own Genius, I have exprest quicquid in buccam venerit, what came next, without much premeditation or study. Gramercy Sack, if happily I have hit the mark.

I am no Aquæ potor, an implacable Enemy to Small Beer; all the Purchases I can boast of, lies in Wine, which is by Moderns highly esteemed for improving good Wits, infusing Elogies and Hyperbolical Exornations, forming such hard Words in the Brain, as shall, like Acesta’s arrows, catch fire as they flie. But I have wandered from that common rode, respecting more the matter then words. For my Stile is plain and familiar, rejecting bombast Expressions, thinking them most happy when most easily to be understood.

As for the Matter it self, if it be faulty, or the Method rude and indigested, consider, Quod nihil perfectum vel singulari consummatum industria, No man can observe all things; neither is it to be imagined that all Rogueries can be perform’d by one man. Not but that when you have read him, you will find him Notorious enough.

Some men are not content to commit Villany themselves, and boast of it too, but they will rob others of that which they should be asham’d to own. In this there is little or no Fiction, I’ll assure you; and there is no Story therein which doth not carry with it more then the bare probability of truth. Should I speak much more, it is to be fear’d some will argue from hence, that I am conscious to my self of its various defects; and therefore I shall desist from Apologizing for it, or my self.

Sensible I am, that if ought be omitted or added, which the Reader likes or dislikes, he will account me Mancipium pancæ lectionis, an Idiot, an insipid Asse; nullus sum, vel Plagiarius, a very Thief, and that I stole other mens Labours. Thus do I know I shall be vilified and undervalued even by such, that are so far from being capable of judging of Ingenuity, that they know not how to write Orthographically six words of sence in their own Mother-tongue. Yet I must confess, what is writ, is neither as I would, nor as it should, it being usher’d into the world as it was first written; whereas I should have done with this, as a Physitian advised should be done with Lapis Lazuli, to be washt fifty times before used: had not immergent Affairs hindred me, I would have licked this Cub into a more comely Form. But since ’tis otherwise, I shall onely complain with Ovid:—

Cum relego scripsisse pudet, quia plurimo cerno,

Me quoq; quæ fuerant Judice digna lini.

All the favour that I shall desire, is, That the Reader would not account the Printers literal or verbal Escapes mine; and withal pass a candid interpretation on each Line; and I shall endeavour in a short time to become more satisfactory, and study how I may be always serviceable to my Country.

When I read o’er what I have writ, then shame

O’erspreads my face, because it stabs my Name.

ON
The English Rogue.

What others writ, was ta’en upon the Score;

Thou art in Re, what they but feign’d before.

They did but lisp, or worse, speak through the Nose:

Thou hast pronounc’t, and liv’st in Verse and Prose.

Guzman, Lazaro, Buscon, and Francion,

Till thou appear’dst did shine as at high Noon.

Thy Book’s now extant; those that Judge of Wit,

Say, They and Rablais too fall short of it.

How could’t be otherwise, since ’twas thy fate,

To practise what they did but imitate.

We stand amaz’d at thy Ephesian Fire;

Such purchas’d Infamy all must admire.

N. D.

On the ensuing Subject.

What more Rogues still? I thought our happy Times

Were freed from such, as from Rebellious Crimes.

But such will be: i’ th’ best of Times we find

The worst of men; the Law can’t lawless bind.

It might be so, since Nature thought it fit

To give some nought but Lands, to others Wit

But no Estates, bestowing such a mind

That can’t within due limits be confin’d.

Hence Depredations, Thefts, nay worser facts,

Cheating & Whoring, with unheard-of acts:

For Swimming for their Lives, these misrules think,

’Tis better catch at any thing, then sink.

Such was this Rogue, esteem’d the worst of men;

Liv’d by his Sword, his Pregnant Wit, andPen.

In short, Pray pardon if I speak amiss;

I never read so arch a Rogue as This.

A. B.

The Preface to the Reader.

When this piece was first published it was ushered into the World with the usual ceremony of a Preface, and that a large one, whereby the Authour intended and endeavoured to possess the Reader with a belief, that what was written was the Life of a Witty Extravagant, the Authours Friend and Acquaintance. This was the intent of the Writer, but the Readers could not be drawn to this belief, but in general concurred in this opinion, that it was the Life of the Authour, and notwithstanding all that hath been said to the contrary many still continue in this opinion. Indeed the whole story is so genuine and naturally described without any forcing or Romancing that all contained in it seems to be naturally true, and so i’le assure you it is, but not acted by any one single person, much less by the Authour, who is well known to be of an inclination much different from the foul debaucheries of the Relations, & if the Readers had read the Spanish Rogue, Gusman; the French Rogue, Francion; and several other by Forraign Wits, and have upon examination found that the Authors were persons of great eminency and honour, and that no part of their own writings were their own lives; they had happily changed their opinion of the Authour of this; but they holding this opinion caused him to desist from prosecuting his story in a Second Part, and he having laid down the Cudgels I took them up, and my design in so doing was out of three considerations, the first and chiefest was to gain ready money, the second I had an itch to gain some Reputation by being in Print, and thereby revenge my self on some who had abused me, and whose actions I recited, and the third was to advantage the Reader and make him a gainer by acquainting him with my experiences. This were the reasons for my engaging in the Second part, and the very same reason induced me to joyn with the Authour in composing and Writing a third and fourth Part, in which we have club’d so equally, and intermixt our stories so joyntly, that it is some difficulty for any at first sight to distinguish what we particularly Writ and now having concluded the Preface, which should never have been begun but that I had a blank page, and was unwilling to be so ill a husband for you, but that you should have all possible content for your money, and withal to tell you that I would not have you as yet to expect any more parts of the book, for although a fifth and last part is design’d, yet i’le assure you there is never a stitch amiss, nor one line Written of it, and if you desire that, you must give me encouragement by your speedy purchasing of what is already Written; and thereby you will ingage

Your Friend,

Francis Kirkman.

The Epistle to the Reader.

Gentlemen,

It hath been too much the humour of late, for men rather to adventure on the Forreign crazy stilts of other mens inventions, then securely walk on the ground-work of their own home-spun fancies. What I here present ye with, is an original in your own Mother-tongue; and yet I may not improperly call it a Translation, drawn from the Black Copy of mens wicked actions; such who spared the Devil the pains of courting them, by listing themselves Volunteers to serve under his Hellish Banners; with some whereof I have heretofore been unhappily acquainted, and am not ashamed to confess that I have been somewhat soiled by their vitious practices, but now I hope cleansed in a great measure from those impurities. Every man hath his peculiar guilt, proper to his constitution and age: and most have had (or will have) their exorbitant exiliencies, erronious excursions, which are least dangerous when attended by Youthfulness.

This good use I hope the Reader will make with me of those follies, that are so generally and too frequently committed every where, by declining the commission of them (if not for the love of virtue, yet to avoid the dismal effects of the most dangerous consequences that continually accompany them.) And how shall any be able to do this, unless they make an introspection into Vice? which they may do with little danger; for it is possible to injoy the Theorick, without making use of the Practick.

To save my Country-men the vast expence and charge of such experimental Observations, I have here given an accompt of my readings, not in Books, but Men; which should have been buried in silence, (fearing lest its Title might reflect on my Name and Reputation) had not a publick good interceded for its publication, far beyond any private interest or respect.

When I undertook this Subject, I was destitute of all those Tools (Books, I mean) which divers pretended Artists make use of to form some Ill-contrived design. By which ye may understand, that as necessity forced me, so a generous resolution commanded me to scorn a Lituanian humour or Custom, to admit of Adjutores tori, helpers in a Marriage-bed, there to engender little better than a spurious issue. It is a legitimate off-spring, I’ll assure yee, begot by one singly and soly, and a person that dares in spight of canker’d Malice subscribe himself

A well-willer to his

Countries welfare,

Richard Head.

On the approvedly-ingenious, and his loving Friend, Mr. Richard Head, the Author of this book.

What Gusman, Buscon, Francion, Rablais writ,

I once applauded for most excellent wit:

But reading Thee, and thy rich Fancies store,

I now condemne, what I admir’d before.

Henceforth Translations pack away, be gone;

No Rogue so well writ, as our English one.

M. Y.

To his respected Friend, the Author.

Could I but reach Bayes from Apollo’s Tree,

I’d make a Wreath to Crown thy Work and Thee;

Which yet is needless, now I think upon’t;

Thy own great Pen deservedly hath don’t.

Of all who write of Thee, this is my Vogue,

None ere writ better of, and is less Rogue.

W. W.

On his deserving friend the Author.

Fletcher the King of Poets of his age,

In all his writings throughout every page

Made it his chiefest business to describe

The various humours of the canting-Tribe:

His Beggars-bush, and other of his Playes

Did gain to him (deservedly) the Bayes.

Nature and Art in him were both conjoyn’d;

None could ere say that his Wit was purloyn’d:

Neither is thine: he did all fancies fill,

From Kings and Queens, unto the Maid o’ th’ Mill;

And so canst thou, for thou hast here display’d

The Vices of each Sex, and every Trade.

Wherefore what he in his time wore, do thou

Put on, a Wreath of Bays t’ adorne thy brow.

F. K.

TO THE

READER,

In stead of the

ERRATA.

This Rogue hath had his faults, the Printers too;

All men whilst here do erre; and so may you.

THE

ENGLISH ROGUE,

Describ’d in the Life of a

Witty Extravagant.

CHAP. I.

What his Parents were. The place of his own Nativity. His miraculous Escape from the hands of Irish Rebels. His brother being at that very time murdered by the merciless hands of those bloody Butchers.

After a long and strict Inquisition after my Fathers Pedegree, I could not find any of his Ancestors bearing a Coat: surely length of time had worn it out. But if the Gentle Craft will any wayes ennoble his Family, I believe I could deduce several of his Name, Professors of that lasting Art, even from Crispin. My Fathers Father had by his continual labour in Husbandry, arrived to the height of a Farmer, then the Head of his Kindred: standing upon one of his own Mole-Hills, Ambition so swelled him, that he swore by his Plow-share, that his eldest Son (my Father) should be a Scholhard: and should learn so long, till he could read any printed or written hand; nay, and if occasion should serve, write a Bill or Bond.

It was never known that any of the Family could distinguish one letter from another, neither could they speak above the reach of their Horses understandings. Talk to them in any other Dialect but that of a Bag-pudding of a Peck, or a piece of Beef, (in which their teeth might step wet shod) and a man were as good to have discoursed with them in Arabick. But let me not abuse them; for some understood something else that is to say, The Art of Whistling, Driving their Team and to shoo themselves as well as their Horses; how to lean methodically upon a Staff and through the holes of their Hat, tell what it is a Clock by the Sun.

The symmetricall proportion, sweetness of features, and acuteness of my Fathers wit, were such (though extracted out of this lump of red and white marle) that he was belov’d of all. As the loveliness of his person gain’d always an interest in Female hearts; so the quickness of apprehension and invention, and the acquired quaintness of his expressions; procured him the friendship of such as converted with him. A Gentleman at length taking notice of more then ordinary natural Parts in him, at his proper charge sent him to School contrary to the desire of his Father, who was able enough to maintain him at School; and to say the truth this Gentleman offered not my Father his patronage upon any charitable account, but that he might hearafter glory in the being the chief instrument of bringing up such a fair promising Wit, which he questioned not with good cultivation would bring forth such lovely fruit as would answer cost, and fully satisfie his expectation. Being admitted into the Grammar-School, by the strength of his memory, to his Masters great amazement, in a very short time he had Lillies Rules by heart, out-stripping many that for years had been entred before him; his Master perceiving what a stupendious proficiency he had made, was very glad that this fair opportunity offered it self, that he might be idle, and in order thereunto would frequently appoint my Father to be his Usher or Deputy, when he intended to turn Bacchanalian, to drink, hunt, or whore, to which vices he was over-much addicted. My Father having now conquered in a manner the difficulties of that Schools learning began now to lay aside his Book, and follow the steps of his vicious learned Master, the examples of a Superior proving oftentimes guides to inferior actions,

Regis ad exemplum——

Besides his springing Age (wherein the blood is hot and fervent) spur’d him on, and the natural disposition of his mind, gave him wings to flye whither his unbounded, licentious, self pleasing will would direct. His Youth introduced him into all sorts of vanity, and his Constitution of body, was the Mother of all his unlawful pleasures. His Temperament gave Sense preheminence above Reason. Thus you see (which experience can more fully demonstrate) how the heat of Youth gives fewel to the Fire of Voluptuous Enjoyments; but without a supply of what may purchase those delights, invention must be Tenter-hooked, which ever proves dangerous, most commonly fatal. My Grand-father too indulgent to his son, supply’d him continually with mony; which he did the more freely, since he was exempted from such charges which necessity required for my Fathers maintenance, he having now more than a bare competency, he not only consents to the commission of evil, but tempts others to perpetrate the like. And now following his own natural proneness to irregular liberty, diurnaly suggests matters of innovation, not onely to his own, but others reasons, Lectum non citius relinquens quam in Deum delinquens, non citius surgens quam insurgens. No sooner relinquishing his bed, but delinquishing his Creator, No sooner rising than rising against his God. In short, I know not whether he prevailed more on others, or others on him, for he was facile; the best Nature is most quickly depraved, as the purest flesh corrupts soonest, and most noisom when corupted. Yet notwithstanding these blooming debaucheries, he neglected not his Study so much, but that he capacitated himself for the University, and by approbation was sent thither by his Patron. He applyed himself close to his Book for a while, till he had adapted himself a companion for the most absolute critick could be selected out of any of the Colledges: in the assured confidence of his own parts, he ventured among them, and left such remarks of his cutting wit in all companies he came into, that the Gallants and most notable Wits of Oxford, coveted so much his company that he had not time to apply himself to his Study, but giving way to their sollicitations, being prompted thereunto by his own powerful inclinations, plunged himself over head and ears in all manner of sensuality. For his lewd carriage, inimitably wicked practises, and detestable behaviour, he was at last expelled the Colledge.

Now was he forc’d to return to his Father, who with much joy received him, but would not tell him the true cause of his coming down: But to palliate his villanies, informed his father that he had learned as much as he could be instructed in; and now and then would Sprinkle his discourse with a Greek or Latine Sentence; when talking with the poor ignorant old Man; who took wonderful delight in the meer sound thereof. When my father spake at any time, they were all as silent as midnight, and then would my Grandfather with much admiration becken to the standers by, to give their greatest attention, to what the Speaker as little understood as his Auditors, not caring what non-sense he utter’d, if wrapt up in untelligable hard words, purposely to abuse those brutish Plough-jobbers. In ostentation he was carried to the Parson of the Parish to discourse with him; who by good fortune understood no other Tongue but what his mother taught him; My father perceiving that, made Shoulderamutton and Kapathumpton serve for very good Greek; which the Parson confirm’d: telling my Grandfather further, that his Son was an excellent Scholar; protesting that he was so deeply learned, that he spake things he understood not; this I have heard him say, made him as good sport, as ever he receiv’d in the most ingenious Society.

He had not been long in the Country, before a Gentlewoman taking notice of his external and internal Qualifications, fell deeply in love with him; and preferring her own pleasure before the displeasure of her wealthy Relations, she incontinently was married to him. I shall wave how it was brought about in every particular, but only instance what is therein remarkable. Doubtless the gestures he used in his preaching (when she was present) might something avail in the conquest of her affections; beginning with a dearly beloved passionately extended, looking full in her face all the while, and being in the time of the Kingdomes alteration and confusion, a temporizing Minister, he had learned all those tricks by which those of his Sect and coat used to bewitch a female ear. But that which chiefly effected his desires, was the assurance of an old Matron, that lived near my mother, who for profit scrupled not to officiate as Bawd; this good old Gentlewoman contrived waies to bring them together, unsuspected by any, by which means they obtain’d the opportunity to perform Hymens rites, Sans Ceremonies of the Church. My mother finding impregnation, acquainted my Father therewith, who (glad to hear how fast he had tied her to him) urged her to the speedy Consummation of a Legal marriage, which she more longed for than he did himself, but knew not how to bring it to pass, by reason of those many Obstacles which they saw Obvious, and thwarting their intentions. As first the vast disproportion between their Estates; Next, the Antipathy her Parents bore to his Function. Joyning these to many other Obstructions, with Fancy and Knowledge presented to them, they concluded to steal a Wedding and accordingly did put it in execution: much troubled her Parents were at first, to hear how their daughter had ship-wrackt her fortune (as they judged it) in the unfortunate loosing her maiden-head but time, with the intercession of Friends, procured a Reconciliation between them, and all parties well pleased. The old people took great delight in their fortune, hopeful thoughts and expectations of their Son in law, but he more in the reception of a large Sum of Money they paid him, and my mother most of all (as she thought) in the continual conversation and enjoyment of my Father, which she equally ranked with what might be esteemed the best of things.

His eminent Parts natural, (and what he attain’d unto by his country studies, being asham’d to have lost so much time) introduc’d him as a Chaplain to a Noble man, with whom he travel’d into Ireland. He took shipping at Myneard, and from thence sayled to Knock fergus, where he lived both creditably and comfortably. Experience had then so reformed his Life to so strict a religious course, that his Observers gain’d more by his example than his Hearers by precepts. Thus by his piety in the purity of his practice, he soon regain’d his lost credit.

By this time my mother drew near her time, having conceiv’d me in England, but not conceiving she thus should drop me in an Irish Bog. There is no fear that England and Ireland will after my decease, contend about my Nativity, as several Countreys did about Homer; either striving to have the honour of first giving him breath. Neither shall I much thank my Native Country, for bestowing on me such principles as I and most of my Country-men drew from that very air; the place I think made me appear a Bastard in disposition to my Father. It is strange the Clymate should have more prevalency over the Nature of the Native, than the disposition of the Parent. For though Father and Mother could neither flatter, deceive, revenge, equivocate, &c. yet the Son (as the consequence hath since made it appear) can (according to the common custom of his Country-men) dissemble and sooth up his adversary with expressions extracted from Celestial Manna, taking his advantage thereby to ruine him: For to speak the truth, I could never yet love any but for some by-respect, neither could I ever be perswaded into a pacification with that man who had any way injured me, never resting satisfied till I had accomplisht a plenary revenge, which I commonly effected under the pretence of great love and kindness. Cheat all I dealt withal, though the matter were ever so inconsiderable. Lie so naturally, that a Miracle may be as soon wrought, as a Truth proceed from my mouth. And then for Equivocation, or Mental Reservations, they were ever in me innate Properties. It was alwayes my Resolution, rather to dye by the hand of a common Executioner, then want my revenge, though ever so slightly grounded. But I shall desist here to characterize my self further, reserving that for another place.

Four years after my Birth, the Rebellion began so unexspectedly, that we were forced to flee in the night, the light of our flaming Houses, Ricks of Hay, and Stacks of Corn guided us out of the Town, and our Fears soon conveyed us to the Mountains. But the Rebels, wandering too and fro, intending either to meet with their friends, (who flockt from all parts to get into a Body) or else any English, which they designed as Sacrifices to their implacable malice, or inbred antipathy to that Nation, met with my Mother, attended by two Scullogues, her menial servants, the one carrying me, the other my brother. The Fates had decreed my brothers untimely death, and therefore unavoidable, the faithful Infidel being butchered with him. The surviving servant who carried me, declared that he was a Roman Catholick, and imploring their mercy with his howling Chram a Cress, for St. Patrick a gra, procured my Mothers, his own, and my safety.

Thus was I preserv’d, but I hope not reserv’d as a subject for Divine Vengeance to work on. Had I then died, no other guilt could have rendered me culpable before Gods Tribunal, but what was derivative from Adam. But since, the concatenation of sins various links hath encompassed the whole series of my life. Now to the intent I may deter others from perpetrating the like, and receive to my self Absolution (according as it is promised) upon unfeigned Repentance, and ingenious Confession of my nefarious Facts, I shall give the Readers a Summary Relation of my Life: from my Non-age to the Meridian of my dayes, hoping that my Extravagancies and youthful Exiliences, have in that state of life, their declination and period.

CHAP. II.

A short Account of the general Insurrections of the Irish, Anno 1641.

But though the mercy of these inhumane Villains extended to the saving of our lives; yet they had so little consideration and commiseration, to expose our bodies (by stripping us) stark naked to the extremity of a cold winter night, nor so much as sparing my tender age. Thus without Shooes or Stockings, or the least Rag to cover our nakedness, with the help of our Guide, we travelled all night through Woods as obscure as that black darkness that then environed our Horizon. By break of day we were at Belfast; about entering the skirts of the Town, this honest and grateful servant, (which is much in an Irish man) being then assured of our safety, took his leave of us, and returned to the Rebels.

Here were we received with much pitty of all, and entertain’d, and cloth’d and fed, by some charitable minded Persons; to gratifie their souls for what they had done for my mothers body, and those that belong’d to her, my Father frequently preacht, which gave general satisfaction, and continued thus in instructing his hearers, till the Sark or Surplice, was adjudged by a Scotish Faction, to be the absolute Smock of the Whore of Babylon. Then was he constrain’d to flee again to Linsegarvy taking his charge with him.

Before I proceed, give me leave to digress a little in giving you a brief account of the Irish Rebellion. Not two years before it broke out, all those ancient Animosities, Grudges, and Hatred, which the Irish had ever been observed to bare unto the English, seemed to be deposited and buried in a firm Conglutination of their Affections, and National Obligations, which passed between them, for these two had lived together forty Years in peace, with such great security and comfort, that it had in a manner consolidated them into one body, knit and compacted together with all those Ligatures, of Friendship, Alliance, and Consanguinity, as might make up a constant and everlasting Union betwixt them there. Their Inter-marriages were near upon as frequent as their Gossippings and Fosterings, (relations of much dearness among the Irish) together with all Tenancies, Neighborhoods and Services interchangeably passed among them. Nay, they had made as it were a mutual Transmigration into each others manners, many English being strongly degenerated into Irish Affections and Customes, and many of the better sort of Irish studying as well the Language of the English as delighting to be Apparrel’d like them. Nay, so great an advantage did they find by the English Commerce and Cohabitation, in the profits and high improvements of their Lands, as Sir Phelim O Neal, that Rebellious Ringleader, with divers others eminent in that bloody Insurrection, had not long before turn’d off their Lands, their Irish Tenants, admitting English in their rooms; who are able to give far greater Rents, and more certainly pay the same. So as all those circumstances duly weighted & considered with the great increase of Trade, and many other evident Symptoms of a flourishing Commonwealth; it was believed even by the wisest and most experienced in the affairs of Ireland, that the Peace and Tranquility of that Kingdom was fully settled, and most likely in all humane probability to continue, especially under the Government of such a King as Charles the First, whom after-ages may admire, but never match. Such was the serenity and security of this Kingdom, as that there appeared not any where any Martial preparations, nor reliques of any kind of disorders, no nor so much as the least noise of War whisperingly carried to any ear in all this Lands.

Now whilst in this great calm, the Brittish continued in the deepest security, whilst all men sat pleasently enjoying the fruits of their own labors, sitting under their own Vines, without the least thoughts of apprehension of Tumults, Troubles, or Massacres; there brake out on October the Twenty third, in the Year of our Lord, sixteen hundred forty and one, a most desperate, dierful, and formidable Rebellion, an Universal Defection and Revolt, wherein not only the meer Native Irish, but almost all those English that profess the Name of Roman Catholicks, were totally involved.

Now since it is resolved by me to give you a particular account of the most remarkable Transactions and passages of my life, it will be also necessary to acquaint you with the beginning and first motions. Neither shall I omit to trace the Progress of this Rebellion, since therein, I shall relate summarily my suffering, and what others under went, the horrid cruelties of the Irish, and their abominable murders committed, as well without number, as without mercy, upon the English Inhabitants of both Sexes, and all Ages.

It was carried with such secresie, that none understood the Conspiracy, till the very evening that immediately preceeded the night of its general execution. I must confess there was some such thing more than suspected by one Sir William Cole, who presently sent away Letters to the Lord Chief Justices, but miscarried by the way. Owen O Conally (though meer Irish, was notwithstanding a Protestant) was the first discoverer of this general Insurrection giving in the Names of some of the chief Conspirators. Hereupon the Lords convened and sat in Council, whose care and prudence at that time was such, that some of the Ringleaders were instantly siezed, and upon examination, confest that on that very day of their surprizal, all the Ports and Places of strength in Ireland, would be taken; that there was a considerable number of Gentlemen and others, twenty out of each county, were come up expresly to surprize the Castle of Dublin. Adding further, that what was to be done in the Country (where Mercury the swift Messenger) could neither by the wit of man, or by Letter, be prevented. Hereupon a strict search was made for all strangers lately come to Town, and all Horses were seized on, whose owners could not give a good account of them. And notwithstanding, there was a Proclamation disperst through all Ireland, giving notice of a horrid Plot designed by Irish Papists, against English Protestants, intending thereby a discouragement to such of the Conspirators, as yet had not openly declared themselves. Yet did they assemble in great number, principally in the North, in the Province of Ulster, taking many Towns, as the Newry Drummoor, &c., burning spoiling, and committing horrible murthers every where. These things wrought such a general consternation and astonishment in the minds of the English; that they thought themselves no where secure, flying from one danger into another.

In a very short time, the meer Irish Northern Papists by closly Persuing on their first Plot, had gotten into their possession most of the Towns, Forts, Castles, and Gentlemens Houses within the Counties of Tyron, Donegal, Fermanah, Armah, Cauan, &c. The chief that appeared in the Execution of this Plot, within the Province of Ulster, were Sir Phelim O Neal, Tourlough his Brother, Ronre Mac Guire, Phillip O Rely, Sir Conne Mac Dennis, Mac Brian, and Mac Mahan, these combining with their Accomplices dividing their Forces, and according to a general Assignation, surprised the Forts of Dongannon and Montjoy, Carlemant, with other places of considerable strength. Now began a deep Tragedy: The English having either few other than Irish Landlords, Tenants, Servants, Neighbours, or familiar Friends, as soon as this fire brake out, and the whole Country in a general Conflagration, made their recourse presently to some of these, lying upon them for protection and preservation, and with great confidence trusted their lives and all their concerns in their powers. But many of these in short time after, either betrayed them to others, or destroyed them with their own hands. The Popish Priests had so charged and laid such bloody impressions on them, as it was held according to their Doctrine they had received, a deadly sin to give an English Protestant any relief.

All bonds of Faith and Friendship now fractur’d, Irish Landlords now prey’d on their English Tenants; Irish Tenants and Servants, made a Sacrifice of their English Landlords and Masters, one Neighbor murthering another; nay, ’twas looked on as an act meritorious in him that could either subvert or supplant an English man; The very Children imitating the cruelty of their Parents, of which I shall carry a mark with me to my Grave, given me with a Skene by one of my Irish Play-fellows. It was now high time to flie, although we knew not whither; every place we ari’vd at we thought least secure, wherefore our motion was continual; and that which heightened our misery, was our frequent stripping thrice a day, and in such a dismal stormy tempestuous season, as the memory of man had never observ’d to continue so long together. The terror of the Irish and Scotch incomparably prevailed beyond the rage of the Sea, so that we were resolved to use all possible means to get on Shipboard. At Belfast we accomplisht our desires, committing ourselves to the more merciful Waves. This Relation being so short, cannot but be very imperfect, if I dare credit my mother, it is not stain’d with falshood. Many horrid things (I confess) I purposely omitted, as desiring to wave any thing of aggravation, or which might occasion the least Animosity between two, though of several Languages, yet I hope both united in the demonstration of their constant loyalty to their Soveraign Charles the Second.

CHAP. III.

After his arrival in Devonshire, he briefly recounts what waggeries he commited, being but a Child.

Being about five years of age, Report rendred me a very beautiful Child, neither did it (as most commonly) prove a Lyar. Being enricht with all the good properties of an handsome face, had not pride in that my tender age, depriv’d me of those graces and choise ornaments which compleat both form and feature. Thus happen’d, my Father kept commonly many Turkeys; one amongst the rest could not endure the sight of a Red Coat, which I usually wore. But that which most of all exasperated my budding passion, was, his assaulting my bread and butter, and instead thereof, sometimes my hands; which caused my bloomy Revenge to use this Stratagem: I enticed him with a piece of Custard (which I temptingly shewed him), not without some suspition of danger which fear suggested, might attend my treachery, and so led me to the Orchard-gate, which was made to shut with a pulley; he reaching in his head after me, I immediatly clapt fast the Gate, and so surprized my mortal Foe: Then did I use that little strength I had, to beat his brains out with my Cat-stick; which being done, I deplum’d his tayl, sticking those feathers in my Bonnet, as the insulting Trophies of my first and latest Conquest. Such then was my pride, as I nothing but gazed up at them; which so tryed the weakness of mine eyes and so strain’d the Optick Nerves, that they ran a tilt at one another, as if they contended to share with me in my victory. This accident was no small trouble to my Mother, that so doated on me, that I have often heard her say, She forgot to eat (when I sate at Table) for admiring the sweetness of my complexion. After she had much grieved her self to little purpose, she consulted with patience, and applyed her self to skilful Occulists, to repair the loss this face blemishing had done so sweet a countenance, though for the present it eclipsed my Mothers glory and pride, yet Time and art reduced my eyes to their proper station; so that within six years their oblique aspects were hardly discernable. When I was about ten Years old, I have heard some say that this cast of my eyes was so far from being a detriment, that it became my ornament. Experience confirm’d me in this belief; for they prov’d as powerful, as the perswasive arguments of my deluding tongue, both which conjoyn’d, were sufficient (I speak it not vain gloriously) to prevail even over the Goddess of Chastity, especially when they were backt on with ardent desires, and an undaunted resolution. But to my purpose: being driven out of Ireland, there being at that time no place of safety in that Kingdom, my Mother taking me with her, being compelled to leave my Father behind, barbarously murdered by the Rebels for being a protestant Preacher, she adventured to Sea not caring whether she went. Foulness of weather drove us upon the coast of France, where we were forced to land, to repair what damage the Ship had sustained in stress of weather. From hence we set sail, and landed in the West of England, at a place called Barnstable in the County of Devon. Here we were joyfully received, and well entertained by some of my Mothers kindred at first; but lying upon them, they at length grew weary; so that we were forced to go from thence to Plymouth, so called from the River Plime, unto which the Town adjoyneth: at that time it was strongly fortyfied by new raiz’d Works, a Line being cast about it, besides places of strength antiently built; as the Castle, the Fort of an hundred pieces of Ordnance, that commands Cat-water, and over-looks the Sound, Mount Batten, and the islands in the Sound, well furnished with Men and great Guns impregnable; had they been never built or demolished raced assoon as raised on their Basis, it had been much better then to have prov’d the Fomenters of Rebellion in the late Wars for a whole year, daily thundring Treason against their lawful Soveraign. We being here altogether unacquainted both with the people and their profession, my Mother having an active brain, casts about with her self how she should provide for her charge, but found no way more expedient, than the pretention of Religion. Zeal now and Piety were the only things she seem’d to prosecute, taking the litteral sence of the Text; Without doubt Godliness is great gain: But she err’d much in the profession and seasonable practise thereof; Hers being according to the menu of the true Church, the Church of England, whereas the Plymotheans were at that time Heterodox thereunto and led away as the rest of their Brethren called Roundheads, by the spirit of delusion. Finding how much she was mistaken, she chang’d quickly her Note and Coat; a rigid Presbyterian at first, but that proving not so profitable, instantly transform’d her self into a strict independant. This took well, which made her stick close to the brethren, which rais’d their spirits to make frequent contribution in private to supply her want: Here we had borrowed so much of the Sister-hood, who vilely suspected my Mother to be too dearly beloved by the brother-hood, that it was high time to rub off to another place, lest staying longer, the holy Mask of Dissimulation should fall off; and she being detected be shamefully excluded their Congregation, and so delivered up to be buffeted by Satan. Before I leave the Town, give me leave to take a short view thereof. Formerly it was a poor smal fishing Village, but now so large and thron’d with inhabitants (many whereof very wealthy Merchants) that as it may be compared with, so may it put in its claim for the name of a City. Havens, as there are many so commodious, which without striking sail, admit into the bosome thereof the tallest Ships that be, harbouring them very safely, and is excellently well fortyfied against hostility. It is scituate alike for profit and pleasure in brief, it wants little that the heart of man would enjoy, from the various productions of the whole Universe. Now farewell Plymouth, no matter whither we went, for whereever we came; we found still some or other that gave us entertainment for those good parts they found in my Mother she being very well read both in Divinity and History, and having an eloquent tongue, she commonly apply’d her self to the Minister of the Town; who wondering to see so much learning and perfection in a Woman, either took us to his own house for a while; or gathered some contributions to supply our present necessities, with which we travelled to the next Town: And in this manner we strouled or wandered up and down, being little better then mendicant Itinerants, Staying so little time in a place, and my mother being more careful to get a subsistance, than to season my tender years with the knowledge of Letters, I was ten years old before I could read. Travelling through many towns unfit for our purpose, we at last took our seat for a while at Biraport in Dorsetshire, here being ashamed to go to School in this ignorance, I applyed my self to my Mother, who taught me to apprehend the Alphabet in less hours than there are letters; so that in a short time, I could read distinctly, and immediately introduc’d into the Grammar School, where I had not been long, before I became a Book-worm securing as many as lay in my way, if convenient privacy serv’d. And to the intent that my Thefts might pass undiscovered, before I would vend what Book I had stolen, I usually metamorphozed them: if new, I would gash their skin, and if the leaves were red, I would make them look pale with the wounds they received; If much used, tear out all the remarks, and paint their old faces, and having so done, make sale of them. This course I followed a long time undiscovered, which cost many a Boy a Whipping at home by their Parents, as well as Master. I had various uses for my money I made thereof (you must think) but principally to bribe some of the upper Form to make my Exercises, which were so well liked of by my Master, that I still came off with applause; and in a short time so advanced, that I was next to the highest Form, when I understood not the lowest Author we read. I was forced to imploy my wits in the management of my hands, to keep touch with my Pensioners, least they failing me for want of encouragement, my Master should discover how much my dunceship was abused. Frequent were my truantings, which were always attended with some notorious fact besides small faults as robbing of Orchards, pulling the first and seconds of forty or fifty Geese at a time, milking the Cows or Goats into my Hat, and so drink the milk: And then for poultry, there was seldome a day escaped wherein I had not more or less, usually I took them thus. At night I haunted the Hen-roosts taking them off so quietly from what they stood on, that their keckling noise seldome alarum’d the rest; if I could not conveniently carry them off, I made their Eggs compound for their heads. If I meet with any Geese at any time, then out came my short stick with a string fastned to a bullet, and tyed to the end thereof, with this would I fetch in my Game by the neck, the weight of the bullet twirling the string so many times about the neck, that they could not disengage themselves from inevitable destruction. I used to fish for Ducks, baiting my Hook with a gut or some such trash, and laying it on a piece of Corke, that swimming it might be the sooner perceived, I could catch in a short time as many as I pleased: Nay, I have not only thus deceived the tame fowl, but the same way with a longer time, I have caught Gulls and other Sea-birds. What I had gotten by these cunning & so much to be approved tricks, I carryed to a house that encouraged me in my Roguery, participating of the cheer, and so feasting me for my pains: if I had stolen any thing, I had my recourse to them, who would give me two pence for what was worth a shilling, and render me good content. I knew my punishment for my rambling and valued it not; therefore little hope of reformation from thence. Nay for very small faults I wished to be whipt, knowing the rod would then be laid on gently, which carried with it a tickling pleasure. As for my Thefts and Rogueries abroad I was careful they should not be discovered. If any Boy had injur’d me whose strength exceeded mine, so that I durst not cope with him, I would exercise my revenge upon him privately, concealing the resentment of the injury he did me. For to grin and not bite, doth but perswade an Adversary to knock out those teeth that may prove some time or other injurious. One common trick I had, was to stick a pin on the board whereon he was to sit: in this manner did I serve several, in which fact I was at last taken. The punishment my Master inflicted on me, was, to sit by his desk alone and complete a copy of Verses; there was great likelihood I should perform my task, when I knew not how many feet an Hexameter required and yet I then read Virgil. However some thing I must attempt, and thinking Saphicks and Iambicks too difficult, I ventur’d upon Heroicks, supposing them the easier composition. But Lord into what an access of laughter did my Master fall into, when he perused my hobling strains. Surely said he, these Verses are running a race altogether, the first did not start fairly, or else is a very nimble Gentleman, for he hath out run all his fellows four feet, the second comes two foot short of him, yet too forward for a true pace; here is another lame in a foot, and halts most scurvily, here is another whose quantity is short, and hath gotten upon stilts to seem long, and one (in contradiction to him) which is long, because he will be short hath cut his own Legs off: With these and the like speeches did he please himself in his own wit, (which I understood but little) and after he had tired himself and me too, with prodigal talk: He then spake to me in a harder dialect, making me understand how ignorant I was, and how much precious time (irrecoverably) I had lost, which so much seiz’d on my spirits, that I was much griev’d and troubled, so that he made Vermilion tears run down my cheeks, &c. After he had bestowed so much correction as he thought might work in me penitence for my egregious truanting he degraded me, and made me begin a new. The shame whereof and reproach I daily received from my School-fellows, I could not bear; wherefore I prevailed on my Mothers indulgence, to let me regain what I had lost at home, which she consented to. But perceiving my Lecherous inclinations, by my night practises with her Maid, resolved to send me to a Boarding School: For our Family being but small, I lay with the Maid: beeing so young, my Mother did not in the least suspect me; but my too forward Lechery would not let me lie quiet, putting her frequently to the Squeak. In fine, I was sent away a great distance to a very severe and rigid Master, I no sooner commenced Scholar to this Tyrant pedagogue, but I was kept close to my Book, and lest my Wit should be any ways dulled, my stomack was always kept sharp; which quickned my invention to supply what was deficient. There is no complaint so insufferable as the grumbling of empty and dissatisfied Guts. My greatest care was to insinuate my self into the favour of the Servant Maids, knowing they loved to play at a Small Game rather then stick out. I performed my business so well that my stomack was always satiated, when the rest of the Boarders were dissatisfied, often going to bed in a manner supperless. Here I was depriv’d of my old pilfering way, because I had no convenience for the disposal of what I stole, it being but a very small Village. However to keep my hand in use, I daily practised on Fruit. Sometimes with a Spar sharpned at one end, I pickt the Apples out of the Baskets: other times I took with me a Comrade, and then thus would we do. I would go to the Fruiterer and bargain with him for a penny worth or more of Apples, receiving them into my Hat, pretending to draw my mony out, I did clap my Hat between my Legs my partner perceiving that (as we had afore plotted it would be) behind, snatcht it through my Legs and ran away with it, I thereupon did use to roar out as if I had been undone, and pretending to run after him to regain my Hat, we got out of sight and then shared the booty. One time coming a long the Market, I saw a small basket of Cherries, I demanded of the woman that sold them, what she would have for as many as I could take up in my hand; she looking upon it and seeing it was but a very small one; proportionable to my Stature, two pence said she; with that, I laid her down her Price, and took up basket and all the Cherries therein contain’d, and in a sober pace carried them away. The woman amazed that she should be thus surprized by such a Younker followed me; and making a great noise, gathered a conflux of people about us, and among the rest a Gentleman of quality, who was very earnest to know what the matter was; Holding my purchase fast in my hands (for nothing could perswade me to let go that booty I had so fair obtained, I desired the Gentleman that he would be judge of my cause, whereupon I related to him in what manner I bargained with the woman, and that I had done nothing unjustly, but what was according to our contract; the Gentleman wondering at the Pregnancy of wit in so tender an age, laught heartily, and condemned the Cherries for my own proper use, but withal paid the woman for them. I was naturally so prone to please my sences so that I cared not what course I took that I might obtain my desires, I appli’d my self more to my wit and invention, than I should have done, had I had anything allowed me from a Friend for a moderate expence. But my Mother thought otherwise, knowing by infallible symptomes, the extravagantness of my inclinations, and therefore debarred me as much as she could the very sight of money. A River confined within some made Bank, deterring its natural course, will (when that is overthrown which impeded its progress) flow with the greater impetuosity: Youth may for a while be circumscribed as to its desires: but if his inclination prompt him to the enjoyment of sensual delights, sooner or later he will taste their relish; and better early than late. Before the Noon of his days approach, Experience may reform his Life and Conversation though from the dawning Morning thereof, till the Meridian his Actions have been nothing else but the Extract of all manner of Debauchery. But (it is commonly observed): That Man which in the Declination of his Age tracks the bypaths of Vice and Licentiousness seldom desists till Death cuts off his passage; never leaving off doting on such false and imaginary pleasures, till the Grim Pale-faced Messenger takes him napping. Thus much by way of digression.

Our Master was very ancient, however resolved that his Age should not hinder his Teaching: for if he found himself indisposed, he would send for us all into his bed-chamber, instructing us there: A man of so strange a temper, that he delighted to invert the course of Nature, lying in bed by day, and walking in the night, the rain seldome deterring him. On a time above the rest, a Gentleman had sent his Son five pieces of Gold to give his Master for Diet, &c. Our Master receiving them, called for a small Cabinet that stood in the room, which I (more officious than the rest) brought him. Having put in the Gold, he commanded me to carry it from whence I had it: which I did, well considering the weight thereof, being, though small, very heavy. The Devil presently became my Tutor, suggesting to my thoughts various ways for the gaining this money. At last I resolved to take the impression of the Key in wax: which with much difficulty I obtained and carried it to a Smith four miles distant. The old Fellow (immediately upon my proposal) suspected me; (doubtless he was acquainted with such kind of devices) and questioning me what I intended thereby, I was forced to betake my self to my Legs for safety, not knowing what answer to make him. The Smith seeing me run, thinking to benefit himself by apprehending me persued after, with a red hot iron in his hand which his haste had made him forget to lay aside, one standing by me, (just as the Smith had almost overtaken me) seeing him come running with a hot iron in his hand, and fearing lest his blind passion might prompt him to mischief me, struck up his heels who in the fall gave himself a burnt mark in the hand which no doubt he had long ago deserv’d; my unknown friend would not suffer him to rise till I was out of sight. My first stratagem not suiting with my purpose, I try’d a Pick-lock of mine own invention; but that would not effect my design neither: so that I concluded to take Cabinet and all, and in order thereunto watcht my opportunity when he should walk abroad according to his custom at night. It was not long ere I enjoyed my wishes. My masters custom was to walk abroad at nights, and sleep in the day time; inverting the course of Nature: foreknowing his intention, I got into the Chamber and conceal’d my self under the Bed: So finding my way clear, I convey’d my self and purchase out of the House; and travelled all night. In the morning I found my self near a small Town, about sixteen miles distant from the place whence I came. Thinking my self now secure, I thought it very requisite here to repose my wearied Limbs and solace my self with the sight of what I had gotten; but it was not long after that I was so laced for it, that comparatively to my punishment Bridewell whipping is but a pastime. The first Bush I came at I went in and called for Sack, having never tasted any, & hearing much talk thereof; at which the people of the house much admired that so small an Urchin as I should call for such costly liquor, they viewed me very attentively, but more especially the Cabinet, which caused them to suspect me. The Master of the house was acquainted herewith, who as the Devil would have it was a Puritan, & a Constable too, officious and severe. Without craving pardon for his bold intrusion, he desired me I would admit him into my Boy-ships society. I confess his gray hairs and sower countenance made me at first sight, very much fear what the event of his visit would prove. However with a seeming undauntedness I drank to him, but what a difference of taste there was in that and the first glass I drank Solus: at length he came to ask me divers questions, Whence I came? Whither I was going? What was contained within that Cascanet? and the like. Before I could give the resolution of what they demanded, the Hue and Cry overtook me: presently I was laid hold on, and my treasure taken from me: that which vext me as much as my Surprizal was, I had no further time to try what kind of taste the Sack had. Various were the talk of the people, every one spending his Verdict on me. This is a prime young rogue indeed, to begin thus soon, said one, could he have seen, when in his Mothers belly, surely he would have stoln something thence. Another said, Forward fruit was soon rotten, and since I began to steal whilst a child, I should be hanged before I should write Man. Ready to die with fear, I was sent back to the place whence I came and from thence to the place of execution, had not the tenderness of my age, and fewness of years procured pitty from my injur’d Master. Confin’d I was within his house, lockt up close Prisoner in a Chamber, till that he could acquaint my mother with what had past. In this time I was not debarred of my sustenance though my Commons were Epitomized, neither was I altogether deprived of society, for I was daily visited by my master attended with a Cat of Nine-tails (as he called it) being so many small cords, with which he fleyd my buttocks; and when he found me stubborn, or not penitent enough as he thought, after he had skinned my podex, he would wash it with vinegar, or water and salt. Within a week my Mother arrived, who hearing of my Rogueries, was so impatient, that she would needs take me to task her self; But when she had untrust me, and saw me in so woful a plight, my shirt being as stiff as Buckram with blood and my tender breech ploughed and harrowed, fell down as if she had been about to expire: recovering my Master endeavour’d to satisfy her, by telling her that great offences required great punishments; and the way to bend an oak, is to do it whilst it is young, I had once when young (said he) a Spaniel which would find out the Hens nest, and breaking the eggs suck them, so that we could never have any Chickens, at last discovering who was the malefactor; I be thought my self of this punishment which should hinder him for ever doing the like. I got an egg roasted so hard till the shell was ready to burn, then did I first show the Egg to the dog, and then clapt it hot into his mouth holding his jaws close, this so tormented him by burning, that ever after he could not indure the sight thereof but if shown run away crying as if he had been beaten. Thus for the notorious fact your Son must be so sharply chastized, that when he thinks of stealing he shall remember those torments he once endured for it, & so frighten him from executing any such crime. Many more arguments he alledg’d to that purpose, which had satisfied her well in his severity, had not natural affection interposed. What to do with me she knew not; wherefore she consulted with my Master, who told her, He durst not keep me longer, the Country people bringing in daily complaints against me. And to aggravate my Mother the more, he briefly summ’d up my faults in this manner; having had justly various accusers who drew up my indictment, Thus.

Imprimis, That one of his Maids having crost me (to be reveng’d of her; knowing she was a drowsie wench, when asleep not easily wak’d) as she slept by the fire, I took my opportunity, to melt some glew, and gently toucht the closure of both her eye-lids with a pencil, which well I knew would lock up her sight. Against the time I intended to wake her I placed all about her Chairs and Stools. The Plot being ripe, I pretended her Mistress called; The wench starting up running and rubbing of her eyes turn’d topsie turvy over the chairs, getting up the ingag’d her self with the stools and so entangled her self therein, that indeavouring to free her self her coats acted the parts of Traytors in discovering the hidden secrets and Arcanas belonging to her sex, and that with much satisfaction I had seen the execution of my revenge. That this wench could not be perswaded by any means, but that as a judgement she was stricken blind for some sin she had committed privately, which then her conscience did whisper in her ear; and undoubtedly had turn’d Lunatick had she not been speedily restored to her sight by taking off the glew, which was done with much difficulty. That he going about to correct me for this unlucky and mischievous fact, was by me shown a very Shitten trick, which put him into a stinking condition, for having made my self laxative on purpose squirted into his face upon the first lash given. That being upon boys backs, ready to be whipt, I had often bit holes in their ears. That another time sirreverencing in a paper, and running to the window with it, which lookt out into the yard, my aged Mistress looking up to see who opened the Casement, I had like to have thrown it into her mouth; however for a time deprived her of that little sight she had left, that another time I had watcht some lusty young Girls, that used in Summer nights about twelve a clock to wash themselves in a small brook near adjacent, and that I had concealed my self behind a Bush, and when they were stript, took away their cloaths, making them dance home after me stark naked to the view of their sweet hearts whom I had planted in a place appointed for that purpose, having given them before notice of my design. A great many more such tricks he recounted which he knew, but not the tenth of what he knew not. As for example, on Christmass-day, we had a pot of Plumb-broth. I askt the Maid to give me a taste to see how I lik’d them, I that I should, she said (this was the Maid I had so serv’d before with glew) and with that takes up a ladle full and bid me sup, she holding the ladle in her own hand, I imprudently opening my mouth somewhat larger then I should she poured down the scalding pottage through my throat: at present I could not tell the jade (that laught till she held her sides) how I lik’d them; but I verily believ’d I had swallowed the Gunpowder-Plot, expecting every moment to be blown up. I took as little notice of this passage as possibly I could, resolving to retalliate her kindness when she least thought on’t. I observed the maid to carry this plum-pottage pot into the yard, and taking notice that the weight of the Jack was in the same yard, wound up a great height under a small pent-house, the Jack being down I suddenly removed the weight, and fastned the pot to the line, so going into the Kitching, wound it up to the top, and then stopt it, for the meat was taken up. The house was all in an uproar instantly about the Pot, every one admiring what should become of it: The Maid averred that she saw it even now, and none could remove it but the Devil. Others asserted (which were infected with Puritanism) that it was a Judgment shown for the superstitious observation of that festival day; but the next day, roasting Meat, this seeming miracle vanished by the descending of the pot fastened to the Jack-line. Another time my Master had reserved in his Garden some choise Aprecocks, not above an half-score; which he purposed for some friends that intended to visit him shortly: The daily sight of this delicate fruit, being forbidden, tempted me more strongly to attempt their rape; but I made choice of an impropitious hour to accomplish my design in; for my master looked out of his window and saw me gather them, though he knew not absolutely whether it was I or no. Whereupon; he instantly summoned us together, being met, I quickly understood his intention: therefore I conveyed the Aprecocks into the next boys pocket, I had no sooner done it, but we were commanded to be searched; I was very forward to be the first though I was most suspected, but none was found about me, so that I was acquitted. But to see with what amazement the poor boy gazed, when they were discovered about him, how strangely he looked, distorting his face into several forms, produced laughter even from my incenc’d Master, but real pity from me, for he was severely whipped for that Crime I my self committed. I could recite many more such like childish Rogueries, did I not fear I should be tedious in their relation, and burden the Reader with juvenile follies; fore I shall return where I left off. Whilst my Mother was in a serious consultation with her Reason, how she should dispose of me, I had not patience to wait the result, but gave her the slip, resolved to run the risk of Fortune, and try whether mine own endeavours would supply my necessities.

CHAP. IV.

How he ran from his Mother, and what courses he steered in one whole years Ramble.

It was in August when I undertook this my Knight-errantry; the fairness of the Season much favoured my enterprise: thinking I should always enjoy such weather, and never be pincht with necessity, I went on very couragiously. The first dinner I made was on Blackberries and Nuts, esteemed by me very delicious fare at first, which delighted me so much the more, having not my liberty controul’d. When night approached it seemed very uncouth & strange, finding instead of a feather-bed, no other thing to lie on but a Haycock, and no other coverlid but the Canopy of Heaven. But considering with my self that I had no task to con over night, nor fear of over-sleeping my self next morning, and so be fetcht to School by a Guard of my fellow Schollars with a Lanthorn and Candle, though the Sun appear’d at that time in his full lustre; I laid my self down and slept profoundly, not without some affrighting dreams: The last was of the Cat of Nine Tails, which my Master laid so home me thought that the smart thereof made me cry out, and so I awaked; as then the early Larke, the winged Herald of the morning, had not with her pretty warbling Notes, summon’d the bright watchmen of the Night to prepare for a retreat; neither had Aurora opened the Vermillion Oriental Gate, to make room for Sols radiant Beams, to dissipate that gloomy darkness that had muffled up our Hemisphere in obscurity. In the morning I went on in my progress as the day before; then began a shower of tears to fall from my eyes, considering how I had left my disconsolate, and almost heart-broken Mother, lamenting my loss, and fearing what fatal courses I might take: it was no less trouble to me to think that I was travelling I knew not whither, moneyless, having nothing but hazel, and Brambles to address my self for the appeasing of hungers approaching gripes. Now me thought I began to loath my aforenamed Manna, Blackberries, Nuts, Crabs, Bullies, &c., and longed to taste of the Flesh-pots again, but the Devil a bit could I get but what the hedges afforded me. All day I thus wandred about, not daring to come near any Town, having had such bad success in the last when I first rambled, and now night came on, which put me in mind of procuring a lodging somewhat warmer than the other. A Barn presently offered it self to my sight, which I accosted, and without delay or fear, entred into the inchanted Castle, where I found accommodations for the most faithful and valiant Knight that ere strode Saddle for Ladies sake. Here might I take my choice of variety of fresh straw, but my weariness would not permit to complement my good fortune one jot, and I so tumbled over head and ears; I had not lain there above an hour before I heard a noise, and peeping out of the straw, being in a great fear, I saw a many strange Creatures come into the Barn, for the day was not yet shut in. My thoughts presently reminded me, that I had heard talk of Hobgoblings, Fairies and the like, and judged these no other; and that which confirmed me in this belief, was their Garb and talking to one another in a Language I understood not, (but since, I understand it to be Canting.) I lay still as long as my fear would permit me, but they surrounding me, I was not able to contain my self longer, but cryed out aloud, Great God have mercy on me, and let not these Devils devour me; and with that, started out from among them: They amazed as much as I, ran for it too, leaving their children behind them, every one esteeming him the happiest man which was the foremost. I looking behind me, seeing them following me, imagined these Devils ran upon all four, and having started their game were resolved to hunt a sinful Leveret to death: Concluding them long-winded Hell-hounds, I judgd praying a safer way than flying, and so fell instantly on my knees: The Gypsies quickly overtook me, and finding me in that posture, soon understood whence their fear proceeded. They then spoke to me in a Language I understood, bidding me not be afraid; but I had heard the Devil was a Lyar from the beginning, therefore I would not believe them. They would have rais’d me from my devotion, telling me it was enough, and that made me suspect them the more; thinking they designed to get me out of a praying posture, that they might have the more power of me. Nothing prevailing with me, they vowed and protested they would not injure me in the least, and if I would go along with them, I should share as deliciously as they did, this was a potent argument to perswasion, and so I agreed to go along with them back again. All their cry was now for Rum-booz (i. e.) for Good Liquor. Their Captain not induring to hear so sad a Complaint, and not endeavour the supplying the want complained of, immediately commanded out four able Maunders, (Beggars) ordering them to stroule (wander) to the next Town, every one going apart. Some Countrey-men gave them drink fearing they might fire the houses in the night, out of revenge, others (out of the more ignorant sort) thought they could command infernal spirits, and so harm them that way, or else bewitch their Cattle, and therefore would not deny them: in so much, that in a short time these four return’d laden with bub and food. It was presently placed in the middle of us, who sate circularly; then out came the Woodden dishes, every one provided but my self, but I was soon suppli’d by a young Rum-Mort that sate next me intended for my sporting mate. A health went round to the Prince of Maunders, another to the Great Duke of Clapperdogeons, a third to the Marquess of Doxy Dells, & Rum Morts, a fourth, to the Earl of Clymes; neither did we forget, Haly, Abbas, Albumazar, Arcandam, with the rest of the Waggoners, that strive who shall be principal in driving Charles his Wain. Most part of the night we spent in Boozing, pecking rumly or wapping, that is drinking, eating, or whoreing, according to those termes they use among themselves. Jealousie was a thing they never would admit of in their Society, and to make appear how little they were tainted therewith, the males and females lay promiscuously together, it being free for any of the Fraternity to make choice of what Doxie he liked best, changing when he pleased. They plyed me so oft with their Rum-booz (as they called it) and pleased me so well in giving me a young Girle to dally with, who (though in Rags, and with a skin artificially discolloured tawny) yet I was not so ignorant, as not to understand good flesh, and what properties went to the compleating a votaress for Venus service. I was so tickled in my fancy with this pretty little wanton Companion, that for her sake, I was very well content to list my self one of that Ragged Regiment. And that which added to the induceing me to this resolution, was my want of money, and what I suffered in those two foregoing hard dayes fare among the Nut Trees. I first acquainted my Doxie with my intent, who glad to hear thereof, gave it vent, and broacht it to the rest, who unanimously with joy imbraced me; and to gratify my inagravation tipt to each other a Gage of Booz, and so went round. The fumes of drink had now ascended into their brain, wherefore they coucht a Hogs-head, and went to sleep.

CHAP. V.

Wherein he relates what manner of People they were in whose Society he entered himself, division of their Tribes, Manners, Customes, and Language.

As soon as I had resolv’d to travel the Country with them, they fitted me for their company by stripping me, and selling my proper garments, and cloathing me in rags, which they pinn’d about me, giving a stitch here and there, according as necessity required. We used not when we entered our Libkin or Lodging to pull off our clothes; which had I been forced to do, I could never have put them on again, nor any, but such who were accustomed to produce Order out of a Babel of Rags. Being now ale mode Taterdemallion, to compleat me for their purpose, with green Walnuts they so discoloured my face, that every one that saw me, would have sworn I was the true Son of an Egyptian. Before we marched on, let me give you an account of our Leaders, and the rancks we were disposed in. Our chief Commander was called by the name of Ruffeler, the next to him Upright-man, the rest in order thus:

Hookers, (alias) Anglero.

Priggers of Prancers.

Pallyards.

Fraters.

Prigges.

Swaddlers.

Curtals.

Irish toyle.

Swigmen.

Jarkemen.

Patri-Coes.

Kitchin-Coes.

Abram men.

Whip-Jacks.

Counterfeit-Cranks.

Dommerars.

Glymmerers.

Bawdy-Baskets.

Autem-Morts.

Doxies.

Dells.

Kitchin-Morts.

We Muster’d above threescore old and young, and because we were too great a company to March together, we were divided into three Squadrons. The first Squadron that led the Van, was ordered by our Commander, to stick up small boughs all the way they went, that we might know what course they steer’d. For like Wild Fowl we fly one after another, and though we are scattered like the quarters of a Traitor, yet like water when cut with a Sword, we easily came together again. As the Switzer hath his Wench and his Cock with him when he goes to Wars: or like a Scotch Army, where every Soldier almost hath the Geud Wife & the Bearns following him: So we had every one his Doxie or Wench, who carried at her back a Lullaby-cheat, & it may be another in her Arms. When they are weary of carrying them, they take their turnes to put them in a pair of Panniers, like green Geese going to Market, or like Fish in Dossers coming from Rye. Where note, that each division hath a small Horse or two, or else Asses to ease them of their burdens. Some of us were clad Antickly with Bells and other toys, meerly to allure the Country people unto us, which most commonly produced their desired effects. In some places they would flock unto us, in great quantities, and then was our time to make our Markets. We pretended an acquaintance with the Stars (as having an alliance to the Egyptian Magi, the founders of Astrologick Art) and that the Ministers of Fate were our Familiars, and so possessing these poor ignorant people with a belief, that we could tell their fortunes by inspection into either hands or faces; whil’st we were seriously looking thereon, one of our diving Comrades pickt their pockets, or with a short sharp knife, and a horn on the thumb nipt their bungs. By asking the silly milk Maids questions, we gathered from their own mouths the properest resolutions, then they would admire, and in their admiration tremble to hear the Truth proceed from the mouth of such as were strangers to their actions, by which means, among some we gained a great respect, accompanied with fear. Did not Astrologers make use of such stratagems, they could never acquire so much repute among the judicious, as well as vulgar capacities. And because it falls in so pat to my present purpose, I shall beg so much patience from the Reader, as to give him a brief account of some fallacies, some Star-gazing Impostors use to work their own ends, and delude credulous people. One whereof I knew, who raised his credit (and since a considerable estate) upon the Basis of good intelligence. He kept a servant, who constantly attended below for the reception of such who came for satisfaction in the Astrological Resolution of questions. This mans Office was to tell the Querent, That his Master was busie above, about some grand concern, but if the Person would be pleased to wait a little while, till that business was dispatched he questioned not but that his Master would render him a satisfactory account of what he demanded, adding farther (to infuse into him faith, to credit what he said) that though report had spoken largely, (and yet nothing but what this Artist hath merited) yet all came far short of his real desert, having done such stupendious things, that must needs (without injustice) be commemorized to Eternity, and admired by future ages. In the mean time, this servant endeavoured to pump out of the Proponent what he came about, which being understood, he gave information to his Master, by so many times ringing of a Bell. This Item being given, the Querent is called up, and before ever he can frame his mouth to propound his question, this profound Artist prevents him, saying, I know what you come about Sir, (therefore save your self the labour to tell me that which I know already) you have lost a Watch, a Horse; or you would know how you shall prosper in such a business, whither Marriage or an Imployment; or any such like common question. This makes the Artist to be wondered at; and then erecting a Scheme, positively and surlily tells him what he must expect, and that he may give answers more exactly concerning stolen goods, he was in constant fee with Thief-takers, who from time to time, made him a report of what persons were robbed, what the things were, and many times gave him a description of the Fellon. By these practises men believed every word he delivered to be an Oracle; so that his Chamber was daily so thronged with the report of people, that in a short time his ambition pricked him on to purchases, with the money he had gained thus fallaciously. One story, very remarkable, I shall add, and then crave your pardon for this my digression. One day a young Gentleman (but of a mean estate) came to him, who was more credulous than wise, and more inquisitive then prudent; and having not that wealth which his prodigality required, desired instructions what course he was best to steer to arrive at the Port of his wishes and hopes: viewing him narrowly, he perceived him to be a man of a sweet complexion, and a body well proportioned; and therefore judged him a fit subject for Female fancies to work upon. Sir, (said he) I shall give you my best advice, but I shall crave your patience for a little while; for a matter of this weight must not precipitately be undertaken: wherefore if you please to see me to morrow, what lies in me shall be at your service. Being just gone it happened that a Stale Maid, who had more money than beauty, & less discretion than lechery, came to be resolv’d of him, When she should be married: (for it seems by the sequel she could tarry no longer:) viewing her well, (though she knew not him) he knew her to be wealthy, and nearly related to persons of quality. Madam, (said he) I shall endeavour your satisfaction; and so withdrew into his closet. Having staid a while bringing out his Figure, and with much gravity looking thereupon, he thus unridled the mysterious meaning of the Celestial Bodies. Madam, You never was much troubled with the importunate suits of amorous Visitants, (this he gathered from the deformity of her Physiognomy) they all knowing your indifferency to change your condition, but upon considerable grounds; by which means you have almost frustrated what the Stars have designed for you. I hope it is but almost, (said she) not altogether: for it troubled her very much to hear she should leave the world without tasting the sweets of a married life. No, (he replied) for if to-morrow by four of the clock in the Afternoon, you go into Moor-fields, & take a turn or two in the Userers-walk, you shall there meet with a person rich & handsome, that at first sight shall fall extreamly in love with you; slight him not, neither deny him his conjugal proposal; if you do, it will be too late to hope for an husband. You shall distinguish him from others by these signs: His Complexion is fair, his Eye sharp and piercing, his Hair flaxen, of a middle Stature. Her joy had like to have transported her beyond the bounds of modesty, which she could not conceal, but made it appear in a pecuniary expression of her gratitude for such welcome tidings; and so promising him to follow his counsel, she took her leave. The next morning the young Gallant came, who had his lesson given him: but before he went, he made him give a Bond of 200l. to be paid upon the day of his marriage with that Gentlewoman; which he gladly consented to, and paid that very sum within ten days after, for according to the directions was given him, he met with that Gentlewoman describ’d to him, as he had been before to her, who at the first sight of each other, was incapable of containing themselves, but mutually embrac’d (after three or four words past) as if he had been her (quondam) Dearly Beloved, returned from some long Voyage, and went not to their respective lodgings till their Marriage was consummated. But to return where I left off.

Thus we rambled up and down the Countrey; and where the people demean’d themselves not civil to us by voluntary contributions, their Geese, Hens, Pigs, or any such mandible thing we met with, made us satisfaction for their hide-bound injuries. Our revenge most commonly was very bloody, and so merciless, that whatever fell into our hands, never escaped alive, and in our murders so cruel, that nothing would satisfie us but the very hearts-blood, of what we killed. The usual sacrifices of our implacable revenge, were innocent Lambs, Sheep, Calves, &c. all which we handled more severely than Prisoners are by Serjeants, when they are not paid their unjust Demands; Fees, I should have said, but that by experience I have found, they walk not according to the Rules of ancient Constitutions, but are guided by the dictates of their insatiate wills, which is their Law, which poor Prisoners must indulge, (though they rack their slender credits, or pawn their Clothes) or else they must expect less kindness from them, then a Condemned person about to be tyed up by the Hang-man, who will stay till he is ready to be turned off. A Goose coming among us, we have a trick to make him so wise, as never to be a Goose again: But let the wisest use what tricks they can, they never shall make some Serjeants honest men. We seize the prey, and leave the Tragical part to our Morts or women to act: the Stage on which they perform their parts, is either some large Heath, or Firze-bush-Common, far from any House. This being done, and night approaching, we repair to our Dormitories, or Houses of rest, which are most usually Out-barns of Farmers and Husbandmen, which we make choice of in some poor stragling Village, who dare not deny us, for fear ere the morning they find their Thatcht Houses too hot to hold them. These Barns serve us instead of Cook Rooms, Supping Parlours, and Bed-Chambers: having Supt, (most commonly in a plentiful manner) we cannot Couch a Hogshead, that is to say, sleep, without good store of Rum-booz, that is, drink; and having sufficiently warm’d our brains with humming Liquor, which our Lower (Silver) shall procure; if our deceitful Maunding (Begging) cannot, we then sing a catch or two in our own Language, of which we had good store; which for their bawdry I omit: however, give me leave to instance one Canting Song, and I shall wave the rest, being loath to tire you too much with one thing.

Bing out bien Morts, and toure, and toure,

Bing out bien Morts, and toure;

For all your Duds are bing’d awast

The bien Cove hath the loure.

I met a Dell, I view’d her well,

She was benship to my watch;

So she and I did stall, and cloy,

Whatever we could catch.

This Doxie Dell can cut bien whids,

And wap fell for a win;

And prig and cloy so benshiply,

All the Deusea-vile within.

The boyle was up, we had good luck,

In frost for and in Snow:

When they did seek, then did we creep,

And plant in Ruffe-mans low.

To strawling Ken the Mort bings then,

To fetch loure for her cheats;

Duds & Ruffe-peck, Rombold by Harman beck,

And won by Maunders feats.

Ye Maunders all, stow what you stall,

To Rome Coves what so quire,

And wapping Dell, that niggles well,

And takes loure for her hire.

And Jybe well jerckt, teck rome confect,

For back by glymmar to Maund;

To mill each ken, let Cove bing then,

Through Ruff-mans, jague, or Laund,

Till Crampings quire tip Cove his hire;

And Quire Ken do them catch,

A Canniken, mill quire Cuffin,

So quire to ben Coves watch.

Bien Darkmans then, Bouse Mort and Ken,

The bien Coves bings awast,

On Chates to trine by Rome Coves dine,

For his long lib at last.

Bing’d out bien Morts and toure, and toure,

Bing out of the Rome vile bine,

And toure the Cove that cloyd your duds,

Vpon the Chates to trine.

Having even wearied ourselves with drinking and singing, we tumbled promiscuously together, Male and Female in Straw, not confining our selves to one constant Consort, we made use of the first that came to hand; by which means incests and Adulteries became our pastimes. By this means I grew weary of their practices, and therefore resolved to desert them as soon as the first opportunity should offer it self, which was in a short time; wherefore at the present I shall say no more of them, only give me leave to give some small account of their Language. The first Inventor of Canting, as I am informed, was Hanged about four score years since: such Gibberish was never heard of before; since which time, there hath not been wanting such, who have taken pains in the pollishing, refining, and augmenting that Language of the Devils Imps. It is a confused invention of words; for its Dialect I cannot find to be grounded on any certain Rules; and no wonder since the Founders and Practicers thereof, are the chief Fathers and Nourishers of Disorder. Yet even out of that Irregularity a man may observe some kind of form, and some words do retain something of Scholarship, as Togeman, a Gown, from Toga; Pannam, from Panis Bread; Cosan, Caseus, Cheese. The monosyllable Cheat; we use as a Relative, as Nab, a Head; Nab-cheat, a Hat, &c. Cove or Cuffin is in general terms a Man; but by adding bien, which signifies good or well, or Quire, which is wicked or Knavish; you make the word Cove signifie an Honest man, or a Justice of Peace. Pardon the expression, for they call a Justice Quier Cuffin; that is to say, as before mentioned, a wicked, knavish, or foolish man. To conclude, I shall here insert this little Canting Vocabulary Alphabetically,

This much for a taste: I think it not worth my pains to insert all those Canting words which are used; it is enough that I have here divulged what words are most in use. Having now deserted this Tawny Crew; I resolved to betake my self to a new Trade; which you shall understand in this following Discourse.

CHAP. VI.

How he went a Begging. What Rules he observ’d therein. What Villanies he committed whilst he profest that mysterious Art.

Necessity is a thing better known by the effects, than its character; and of all things the most insufferable: to prevent which, it puts a man on to venture upon all manner of dishonest and dangerous actions, suggesting strange imaginations, and desperate resolutions, solliciting things infamous, and attempting things impossible; the product of which is only disorder, confusion, shame, and in the end ruine. But when Necessity shall conjoyn with an evil disposition, a deprav’d nature, what horrid and nefarious facts will it not instigate that man to perpetrate? And though he seeth monthly examples of persons condemned and executed for the like crimes he daily practiseth, will not forbear nor desist from such irregular and life-destroying courses, till they have brought him to the like miserable Catastrophe. Necessity had now deeply faln in love with me; and the young Virgin Shame-fac’dness (once my Mistress) had forsaken me: for as soon as I had pull’d but one thread out of her garment, all the rest unravell’d; and she not brooking her nakedness, changed her master, and so totally left me. Having now obtained more than a convenient boldness I travell’d, and begg’d with very good success. But me thought my life was somewhat uncomfortable without a Companion, (all Creatures coveting society, but more especially Man:) at length, according to my desires, I met with one, whose long practice in this Art, besides the Observations of his Predecessors, deriving his pedegree in a direct line from Prince Prigg, indu’d him with so much skill as to furnish me with the knowledge of anything that belonged to the liberal Art of Begging. We straight betook our selves to the Boozing Ken; and having bubb’d rumly, we concluded an everlasting friendship. Than did he recount to me the most material things observable in our Profession. First, he tun’d my voice to that pitch which might most of all raise compassion; next what form of prayer I was to use upon such an occasion, what upon such, varying according to the humour of those persons that I begged of, gathered from their habit or gesture; then he told me when we came to London, he would acquaint me what places were most fit for our purpose, and what times. That I ought not to be too importunate to some, always wishing well, and loudly praying for the health and safety of Estate and Limbs of such as deny’d me Alms; but more especially pronounce a God bless you Master, and let Heaven reward what you have here done on earth, if any thing is bestowed upon me. If any should pity my nakedness, and cloath me in garments without holes in them, I should wear them no longer than in the Donors sight, reserving my rags to re-invest my self, and sell the other, as unfit and scandalous to our Occupation. That we should never beg far from one another, and at nights faithfully share the gains. Moreover, he inform’d me the way to make all sorts of seeming sores and lameness. That within the tatter’d rags, there be places provided for private conveyance. Some of maturer age, if they have no children, rent them of such as have; but we had no occasion for this fallacy. That if I saw a door open, I should go in boldly; if I met any in the way, I should then in a very submissive manner implore their help in the assistance of my wants, never desiring any thing but what was of small value, one half-penny, farthing, or some broken crust, (if at a door) pretending the not eating of a bit in two days. If the passage was clear, whip away what was nearest to hand. That the time of rising in the morning be very early, shewing my self in the streets: for then will those that pass by, judge I have no other lodging but what a stall affords, that way procuring relief from pitiful-minded persons, and so continue begging till the evening; when it beginneth to be duskish, if any then walks singly, accost him in a begging form; coming up so close, as that you may knock him down with a Truncheon, still carried about for that purpose; which is done securely, and many times with a good booty.

Being full fraught with these, and many more precepts he delivered, we set forth on our progress. We had not gone far, before we were surprized by the Constable, as two sturdy Vagrants, and as hand-sail to my new Trade, we were both soundly whipt out of Town. To avoid this danger for the time to come, we mist all the towns of any considerable note in our way, and only frequented Villages; nay at last we were forc’d not only to avoid them but the High-ways too: for Travellers observing our garb, countenances, and weapon, which was a Battoon, suspecting us, would before they came near us, set spurs to their horses and ride as if the Devil drove them. Many petty rogueries we performed by the way, not worthy the commemoration, and therefore I shall pass them over; only this I shall insert.

Travelling the Field-way, we stumbled on a Tinker and his Trull lying by an Hedge-side, I knew not what to thinke at first they lay so still, with much pulling and stirring then they awakened; I askt them what they lay there for? They answered me, That they were lately bitten by a Serpent near adjacent, a potent creature, mighty in strength, and of a vast proportion, who had lately stung several as well as they. It seem’d very strange to us, especially having heard not the least report hereof. To be short, I desir’d them to shew us the place of his residence, which they readily consented to. In stead of this Venomous Animal, they only brought us to its representation in a sign, where a Cup of double-brew’d Beer was sold, notable huming geer. The people lik’d the Tinker and his Female Comrade well enough, but would not admit of us, till we shew’d them money: For our Vestments look’d like the Gleanings of a Rag-merchants Yard. We drank stifly till we laid the Woman asleep again: still the Tinker bore up stifly, she had not slept long, but up she started, pull’d up her coats, and in our presence piss’d in the middle of the room and so sate her self down, yet awaked not: which action could not but produce much laughter from me and my Comrade. At last the Tinker fell asleep too, having added so much to his former burden that he was no longer able to stand under it. Now had my wits enough to work on: but finding my self very drowsie, for the strength of the drink had almost over-powred me, insomuch that I was forc’d to advise with my friend what course I were best take to make me a little more sober: he was so well known in such matters, (being an old experienced Pitcher-man) that he quickly counselled me what to do, he himself being not in the least disturb’d. This was his advice which he did put in practice, he got a Pail full of water, and so taking me up by the heels, he clapt my head thereinto; holding me in that manner so long, that the Pail had like to have prov’d the Ferry-boat that should waft me over the Stygian Lake; this so qualified the heat my head had contracted by my excessive drinking of that strong stupifying liquor, that I found it had wrought its desired effects.

After this, we ransackt their pockets, but found little in the mans; but searching the woman in a private place between her Pocket and Placket, we discovered something considerable, which we took. Having so done, we thought it high time to be gone, but first we resolved to make some sport as well as take their moneys, which was thus: I tied to each of their Girdles, behind, a Flaggon-pot, and to each a Label affixt, or a paper of Verses, and so immediately tript off. The Host seeing us go out of doors with more than ordinary speed, ran into the room where the Tinker and his Lady were: he suddenly awaked them, telling them we were gone. Hearing this, they hastily started up, and reeling ran to overtake us: the Master of the house seeing his Pots dangling at their breech, ran after the Tinker, crying, Stop’em, stop’em, Stop the thievish Tinker, stop the Whore with my Pot. We were wiser than to stay to hear how the Tinker and his Trull came off, or to hear the laughter that we undoubtedly raised by this waggish contrivance, but directed our course for London directly; where we arrived soon enough, nay too soon for some. This Out-cry soon alarm’d the ears of his Neighbours, who with the Host seizing on them, and carrying them back, gave us an opportunity for our escape. The Lines that were about the Tinkers Pot, were these, to my best remembrance.

Serpents but sting, or only bite so deep,

To numb the sense, so lay men fast asleep.

Wit acts far greater things. I’ll say no more:

Pay first for sleeping, then the Pots restore.

Those that were fastened to the Womans Pot, were these:

’Twas not the Serpent, but strong Beer that stung:

The vent being stopt, the Drink wrought through the Bung.

I had like to have forgot to give you an account of a merry passage that hapned upon the road we travelled on; beating the hoof we overtook a Cart, but in the name of Rabbi Abraham, what think you was in it? In troth even a Squadron of the Tatterdemallion Regiment; Some pretendedly blind, others their leggs tied up in a string. A third sort having a dead Palsy over all one side. A fourth so lame as if he never had been strung with sinews. We fell into discourse, asking them whither they were bound thus carted? They answered us: every one for his own Country, we have been already jib’d (said one) that is jerkt at the Whipping-post, and now enjoy the benefit of a Pass. The Surly Rogue the Carter observing our familiar talk made a stand, speaking to us after this manner. Why how now Gentlemen, how dropt you out of the Carts Arse? what, you go on foot and your Brethren ride? It shall not be; ease your legs, come I’le lend you an hand. I was about to reply when a fellow came along who knew this Carter, and askt him what he would do, or whither he was going with them Criples. Introth said he, to tell you the truth, I am going to Kilum (a Town it seems on the borders of Oxford-Shire.) Hearing this, I knew not what to think on’t but consulted with the aspect of the carted crew. Their faces discovered nothing but sence of danger, so that now I perceiv’d their thoughts were solely imployed about their escape, which they did soon put in execution. For forthwith the strings were cut that tied up their legs, who silently slid out of the cart one after another for fear of discovery, the blind could see their way down too, the Paralitick could run as swift as a Stag; The fellow drove on still, not missing his Company presently, at last looking about he saw one running this way, another that way, a third contrary to either, a fourth was hiding himself in a bush, thus they were all disperst: D’ee here, d’ee here, cry’d the Carter, restore the leggs and eyes you borrowed, and then run to the Devil if you can. I heard one of them distinctly answer him, I’le see you hang’d first, you murdering Rogue e’re I will come near you; dont you remember that you said even now that you were going to Killum. Could you but imagine the various postures their causless fear put them in you would be a great Sharer with me in laughter, I could not retain my self from; this story put me in mind of the like mistake, whose effects proved more fatall in the time of the intestine wars in Ireland: a Trooper met with a Sculogue or Country-fellow, and demanding of him whence he came, he answered from Killwanium: whither art a going? to Killmore sayd he: (these are two Towns) with that the Soldier sware he should not kill more, and so pistol’d him.

CHAP. VII.

Coming to London, he enters himself into the society of Beggars, distinguished by these Titles, Ben seakers, Dommerars, Clapperdogeons, &c., with a short description of their Manners and Customes; as also a relation of a piece of Theft he committed.

Coming up to London, we straight way betook our selves to Newington-Butts, but by the way, my Friend could not forbear calling on his Friends in Kent-street, there they gave me a Nick-name; and my Comrade immediately fell to work, to put himself into an equipage fit for the employment we had undertaken. He needed not to alter his habit; but his chief aim was to make counterfeit Sores or Clymes, according to the term of Art that is given them. With the assistance of some of the Fraternity, he had in an hours time, such a Leg, that I could hardly look upon it without even dropping down; and thus they made it; They took unslaked Lime and Sope, mingled with the rust of old Iron: these being well temper’d together, they did spred it thick on two pieces of leather, which they apply’d to his Leg, binding it thereunto very hard, which in a short time did fret off the skin, the flesh appearing all raw; then did they take blood and rub’d it all over his Leg; which being fully dried, made the Leg appear all black, the Sore they did only let peep out of the holes of five or six matterish clouts. He soon got us a Doxie too, with a couple of children, (the fitter for our purpose) the one to carry in her arms, and the other to lead. Providing himself and me with a good lusty Filch or Stick, with a hole at the end thereof, to put in a hook if occasion should serve, to filch any thing off Hedges, &c. Away we went into Moor-fields: he would have made me a Clyme too, or an Artificial sore; but my stomack would no wayes accept of his kindness. Coming into the Fields, he planted me in a convenient place, the Doxie with her Lullaby-cheats in another; and himself in a third, not far distant from one another, that one might catch the others Maunding at the rebound. I observ’d my Friend and Rogue diligently, what he did, for my own information. One would have sworn he had been absolutely lame, for (about to lie down) he slid to the earth by his Staff; being on the ground, the first thing I took notice of; was the pitious distorting of his face into various forms, to stir up compassion in such as passed by him; to which he added, a most doleful noise to this effect; For Gods sake some tender hearted Christians, cast through your merciful eyes one pittiful look upon a sore, lame, and miserable wretch: Bestow one penny or half-penny upon him that is ready to perish, &c. I knew not how to tune my voice, for hearkening to him; which he observing (when all the people were passed by) he held up his stick at me, a strong argument of his great displeasure, which lest I might farther incur, I was forced to tone it out to some purpose. Night approaching, we left off begging, resolving to recreate our selves with what we had got: in the way home, I saw a very fine piece of Beef lying on a Butchers-stall, the woman that kept the shop, was telling a Gossips tale to her neighbour so intentively, as I thought I might seize on my prey, and she never the wiser; with that I boldly snatched it up; which an opposite neighbour perceiving, ran after me, and soon took me. I was brought back before the woman, who was so wise (forsooth) that she would not receive stollen goods, though they were her own; and so inraged she was, that nothing would serve her turn, but I must go before a Justice; and to add to my punishment, she made me carry the stollen Beef openly. Coming before his Worship, my accusation was read, aggravated by many feigned circumstances. The pitiful and sad calls of my eyes, were all the Rhetorick I used in my own vindication; which the merciful Justice perceiving, they were so prevalent, as to gain some favour from him; whereupon he ask’d the woman what she valued her Beef at? Why (said she) I would not have abated a penny of five shillings. Take heed what you say, good woman, (said he) for should you swear this, it is enough to hang him. O Lord, Sir, (said she) I would not hang him for a world; then said his Worship, You must prize it under thirteen pence half-penny; whereupon the Butchers Wife was content to value it at eight pence. The price being set, the Beef was conveyed into the Justices Kitchin, and the woman put to her Oath; having sworn, my Mittimus was made, and therewith sent to Prison. The woman now thought she should have her Beef surely, and without any danger in the reception, and therefore demanded it; but the Justice told her he would buy it of her, and so asked her what she would have for it: Sir, (said she) five shillings; I cannot afford it one farthing under. How, how! (said he) did you not swear but even now, it was worth but eight pence, and do you now talk of five shillings? A mear Cheat, Extortioner, &c. Make her Mittimus, (speaking to his Clerk) which so terrified the Woman, that she cried out most pitteously; good your Worship, do not send me to Prison, and do with me what you please. The Justice at this lookt stedfastly upon her (who was not so old but that he could discern a handsome woman when he faw her) and indeed generally your Butchers have jolly handsome Wives; otherwise they may be ashamed to serve seven years in handling and choosing good flesh for others, and at last know not how to make choice of a fine young plump juicie bit for themselves. I say, the Justice looking upon her, smiled, yet seemed to reprove her sharply, and at last pretended he had something to tell her he would not have every one hear, carried her into a withdrawing Room, where they staid not long but out she came and declared openly that she would never desire more justice done her, than that good and just Justice (as she called him) had shown her. And as I understood afterwards, he did her so much right, that she sent him in an half dozen of Bottles of Canary, and supt with him on her own flesh; I in the mean time wished them both choaked in the eating thereof; for never did Roman Catholick endure greater and severer pennance for eating flesh on Good-friday; then I for coveting this; I have lov’d a Capon the better for it ever since. For I was no sooner gotten out into the street, but I had a hundred people about me, crying which is the young Rogue; this, this is he said the Butcher, pretending to lay his hand upon my shoulder, but gave me a terrible nip by the ear, which made me roar out so loud and so suddenly unexpected, that my Gentleman Usher that was leading me by the arm to the White Lyon, starting, let go his hold. There was no dallying with so fair an opportunity, fear and love of sweet liberty so wing’d my feet, that running instantly hereupon, I was gotten presently a great way before them. The Harmanbeck, Huntsman or Constable seeing this, unable to run himself by reason of that great load of flesh he constantly carried about him, set a pack of young yelping Curs to track the scent, but they were soon all at a loss: and so I escapt their clutches.

CHAP. VIII.

Whilst a Beggar what cunning tricks he invented to steal undiscovered, and how at last served, being caught ipso facto.

The next day I went into Lincolns-Inn-fields, where I saw a company of Rogues, cheats, Pick-pockets, &c., playing at Pidgeon holes (a game much practised there, and in More-fields, by such mischievious and lazie Rascals) growing very hungry, I singled out two or three of the fittest for my purpose in assisting or contriving Roguery; a little rising grass-plat was our counsil-table, where we consulted what stratagems would best take and were least known. Come Gentlemen said I (for the Liberal Science or antient profession they studied was enough to gentelize them) what money have yee, sine Cerere & Baccho friget ingenium, we must have good liquor that shall warm our bloods, enliven and unthaw our congealed spirits and make our inventions and fancies as nimble as lightning. Faith said one, I have but three pence; yet that you may see how well quallified I am for your company, I’le have money for you presently. He was not gone much above an half hour but merrily he came to us; sitting down he desired me to put my hand down his neck between his wascoat and shirt, which accordingly I did, but admired to groap out three rashers of Bacon, which I produced to the Company. Very importunate I was with him, to know what it meant, and how they came there. Give me attention (said he) and I will unravel this riddle thus. Walking along the streets leisurely, strictly eying any thing on which I might seize securely and advantageously: at length I saw a good pittiful old Woman (for so she seem’d to me by her countenance) selling Bacon, who I observ’d did put what money she took into a pocket made in her Apron. Upon this sight Fancy me thought suggested to me that her money was as already as surely mine as if I had already confin’d it close Prisoner in my leathern dungeon. And thus I wrought my design. Good Woman said I, (speaking in a whining tone,) how do you sell your Bacon a pound? Seven pence (said she,) whereupon I began a lamentable oration, telling her that I would willingly have half a pound but that I had but three pence; that my Master was a very cruel man, half starving his servants; come give me your money sirrah, she said, for once you shall have it so; weighing it, I desired her to cut it into slices and thrust it down my back; She asked my reason for it, I told her that my Master usually searcht me, and should he find any such thing in my pockets, he would half murther me. Alas poor boy (quoth the good old Woman) lean down thy head towards me, surely I will do thee that small kindness: whilst she was larding my back, I got my hands underneath her Apron, and with this short knife nipt of the bottom of her pocket, and thus have I done my part to procure yee both food and money. As I lookt on this as base ingratitude, so I could not but tacitely within myself, both condemn and abhorr such society, remembring the words of Juvenal.

Ingratos ante omnia pone sodales.

Of all persons we should shun most the ingrateful. Neither could I forbear (though I was joyful of the purchase) to read him a publick lecture on his ingratitude; what (said I) shall we find gratitude in Beasts (as in the Lyon that was healed by Andronicus in the wood, which afterwards saved his life in the Theater) and yet shall we be unthankful! I have read a story of an Asp that was kept and nourished by an Husbandman at his own table, feeding him there dayly; at last she brought forth two young ones, one whereof poisoned the Husbandmans son, the old one (as my Author tells me) in the sight of the Father killed the offender and as if ashamed of his ingratitude departed the house with the other and was not seen after. I would have proceeded, but that they told me if I did, they would have no men of morals in their company, and so away we went to Beggars Hall, hard by, where we called lustily. Fearing we should spend all the money, I desired the company that some small portion might be left in my hands as a stock to trade on, which they consented to.

Having feasted our selves well, before we departed, the next days meeting was appointed, when and where. Against the time I had made a quantity of Serpents, Crackers, &c., and brought them with me. When first I show’d them, they all fell out a laughing to think I could improve our stock by such devices. Have but the patience to hear me (said I) and then condemn me if you see cause; Ever since I parted from you I have been racking my invention to find out some way whereby I might render my self both deserving of, and acceptable to your company, and I think this my first discovery will do it; I would have you Jack, Tom and Will, take an equal quantity of Crackers and Serpents, and anon at night let us go into the Market, where each of you shall observe each of us: where ever we make a stand be sure you throw a Serpent, &c. at that very place; and then will we take the opportunity of the peoples confusion and fright, and so march off with what we can lay hands on. This plot was very well liked of by all. The evening approaching (it being near November) we went to put what I had contrived to execution. The first that was thrown was where I stood, which fell into the Basket on which a Market Woman sate, the Woman starting up to extinguish it, suddenly it bounced in her face, the smoak whereof and powder, for a little time so blinded her, that she could not see me walk off with a shoulder of Mutton, my comrades had the like success with a Pig and a Goose. Having done enough as we thought for that time, we went to a place of our acquaintance, where we had the Mutton, Pig, and Goose roasted, giving the Landlord the Pig for dressing, bread, and drink. We were so successful for the first, that we made several tryals afterwards not ineffectual. But in fine, I found the Proverb verified, The pitcher goes not so often to the well, but that it comes home crackt at last. One time I went, and having ordered them to do as they had done before, a Serpent came flying on the Womans stall where I stood and fell into her lap, which being brusht off, fell underneath her coats, and there burst, in the mean while I had gotten a loyn of Veal and was trooping off with it, the Woman missing it suspected me by my great haste, followed me and laying hands on me found her meat under my coat. O have I caught you Mr. Theif. Mistake not good Woman (said I) it is no such matter. For as I stood by your stall, the wildfire which some unhappy Knaves threw, so scared me, that having your meat in my hand at that time cheapning it, I was so frighted that I ran away with your Veal to shun the danger, forgetting to lay it down, wherefore pray take it again. Taking her meat, here is a pure excuse indeed (said she) but this shall not serve your turn, and with that, gave me two or three such blows on my chops, that I verily thought she had made me swallow half my teeth. Another that had heard our discourse takes me to task after this: Come sirrah, you love the flesh well, but ’tis fit you should pay for it. And it is but just if you will have my flesh, I should have some of yours. Up straight he snatcht his Knife, and holding me by the ear I verily thought he would have markt me as he used to do his calves. My crying and praying so far prevailed, that he only kickt me to his next Neighbour and so from one to another, so that though it cannot be said I ran the Gantlet, yet between the Pannyers on both sides, I was kickt the Gantlet from the Standard in Cheapside to the conduit at the lower end thereof. This unhappy adventure made me betake my self to my old course of begging, resolving as yet not to deal in that trade I had litle experience in.

CHAP. IX.

A Merchant seeing him begging, took a fancy to him, conducts him to his House, and entertains him as his Servant.

One day as I was begging, more fervently then formerly, having gotten not one penny that day, so that I found a civil war between my Guts and Stomack, yet knew not how to salve up the difference; neither would they hearken to any thing but a Bill of Fare. In the midst of this combustion, a Tradesman of no mean quality, passing by, took a strong fancy to me, being extraordinarily pleased with the form of my face and body. He asked me, Whence I came? what my Parents were? and what I intended? I answered him with well contriv’d forgeries, that seemed to give him good satisfaction: liking well both my speech and understanding, he bid me follow him, which accordingly I did; having conducted me to his house, he presented me to his Wife, my intended Mistris, telling her his resolutions of receiving me into his service; at which she blest her self, saying, Prithee, Sweet-heart, from what Dunghil didst thou pick up this Shakerag, this Squire of the body? This thing drest up in sippits? This Scarecrow, what shall I call him? (for I am sure I had but few cloathes on, but what were rather fit to dung ground, then to be sent to the Paper-mill.) Said my Master, Rest yourself satisfied, since it is my pleasure, this shall be so: neither can I give you any reason for my fancy. Whereupon he commanded me to be stript, and well washed; in the mean time cloaths were provided for me, a suit of one of his Apprentices. A great Vessel like Cornelius his Tub, was filled with water to bath me, but so cunningly set by the Maids, (though privately) that they might see me all over naked. It was my good fortune to observe my Mistress standing in a private place on purpose to see me dismantled; and after I was washed, she commended the whiteness of my skin and well-proportioned limbs; and by the consequent, approv’d within her self of something else, for I was then a stubbed Lad. Being new clothed, and raised to this unexpected fortune, how strangely did this vain blast puff up my empty pate! However, I was resolved to carry my self discreetly, lest I should overthrow the state I was then in, not yet well settled. Wherefore I behaved myself very respectfully towards my Master, and served him as punctually as I could, endeavouring that my service should requite his kindness in as great measure as my abilities could perform.

My endeavour was not only to please my Master, but my Mistress too, even in the meanest services; so officious to her, that I was ready to perform the office of a Chamber-maid. The maid-servants I obliged also, by doing their duty, as making the fires, washing the Kitching, nimbly and willingly doing any thing they would have me; by which I so ingratiated my self among them, that I always had their good estimation among themselves, and good word to my Master and Mistress when occasion served. Very careful I was, not to report what I heard, lest I by that means, involv’d my self in the affairs of others, without advantage to my self. For by meddling in others matters, I should breed animosity among them, and reap just hatred to my self, when discovered to be the too too busie intelligencer. This I looked on as an undeniable maxime, That nothing more recommends a man, then a silent tongue, (unless necessity required the contrary) a fair complacential carriage, and a faithful heart. My Master in a humour would sometimes find fault with me, but then it was my chiefest care not to reply, knowing, that what should be alleadged as to my just vindication, would but aggravate his spirits being passionate, alwayes punctually performing what was commanded me. To try my fidelity, he would lay a sixpence on the Counter, or in the Window, as if it had been left there forgotten. I was wiser then to be caught so, and therefore would instantly carry him the money. One time sending me out to buy something, instead of a shilling he gave me among other money a piece of Gold; I took no notice of it then, but being gone a little way, I came running back out of breath to restore him the piece; this and the like made my Master stand amazed at my seeming honesty. A strange alteration, you will say; but all this was only to get a good esteem, whereby I might gain fast footing. What though I underwent a great deal of pains, and had my patience tried to the height? Yet I gain’d much in the end, had God given me grace rightly to use it, and the baseness of my nature not perswaded me to abuse it. So much credit I had gotten with my Master, by my civil behaviour, that he raised me gradatim, step by step. Being ignorant of Arithmetick; he caused a Master to come to his house to instruct me, which I soon apprehended, and by that means was capacitated to keep his accompts, which was the thing I aim’d at, intending thereby the prosecution of mine own ends, notwithstanding my pretended fidelity, and his real kindness to me undeserv’d: which puts me in mind of the conclusion of an Epitaph I have read on a Tomb, which the Master erected for the perpetual commemoration of his servants cordial respect and honesty.

View oft his Tomb-stone, since we seldome find,

A servant faithful, and his Master kind.

Now to the intent I might compleat my conquest of his heart, I pretended my self an Independent, not omitting any opportunity of going to their meetings; and upon all occasions would rail against Steeple-houses (as we called them) and tear the Bishops holland sleaves to pieces, calling them the impure rags of the Babylonish Whores Smock, &c. I would pray mornings and evenings so loud, so late, and so early, that my neighbours could hardly sleep for me, much less those of our own Family. Notwithstanding all this piety, not a day past wherein I cheated not my Master. Thus did I delude his eyes with pretended sanctity, yet concluded with the Poet,

Da mihi fallere, da justum Sanctumque videri,

Noctem peccatis & fraudibus objice nubem.

Let me seem just; to cheat the better shrow’d,

Let my deceits be hidden in a Cloud.

How much did I silly fool deceive my self, thinking my self secure, because no mortal eye saw me. Be not thus cheated as I was, for assure your self there is no darkness so thick and obscure, which the All-over-seeing and Eternal piercing eye cannot penetrate——

Cernit Deus omnia vindex.

A passage remarkable in Erasmus I read to this purpose concerning a young Gentleman, whom a wanton Lady tempted, who used this expression as his last and best Refuge. Art not thou ashamed to do that in the sight of thy Maker, and the Holy Angels, which thou art ashamed to do in the sight of men. We are afraid of disgrace with men, not caring for the Grace of God.

CHAP. X.

How he came acquainted with lewd and vicious Apprentices. What Trade they drove together. What places and times of meeting.

I was as officious at home, as reserved from all company, never stirring forth unless called out by my Masters business, till my next Neighbours man intruded himself into my acquaintance. Who so farr insinuated himself into my affections, that I was in a manner wholly ruled by him. He and I met on a time abroad, and would not be deny’d but he must needs fasten a glass of Wine, conducting me to a Tavern where the Drawer (as he said) was his friend. After several Congratulations past, order was given for a pint of Canary: being gone to draw it, this young man began to tell me what an honest fellow this Ralph the Drawer was; which words he had no sooner utter’d, but I heard him cry at the Bar, A Pint of White-wine in the Rose score; and immediately in he brings it, and in formality a glass, but we made no use of it, for he was fearful his Master would discover the cheat, and therefore desired us to be speedy in the dispatch, and so we made but two draughts thereof. Away he goes again, and brings in another, not after the same manner, but crying it Right, bringing withal a Quart-Bottle in his Codpiece: Now, Gentleman, (said he) using your discretion, you may sit and talk freely, without either fear or suspition, using your glass and when your pint is empty fill him again you shall not want for liquor Ladds. This something amazed me at first, till my Neighbour Thomas told me that this was frequent, and that he and two or three friends at any time could be drunk for six pence a piece. Come, come, you are but a Novice, said he; but if you will be ruled by me, I’ll shew you the way to soften the cord of bondage, to make the long time of a seven years Apprenticeship seem short, by living as merry, nay more jovially than our Masters. They may be destracted with cares how to procure necessaries, pay Rent, satisfie Creditors, whilst we have none of these pressures and disturbances on our spirits. What though we have an harsh word or a smart blow, it may be, a broken pate? We will make his Till spring a leak for it, or his Goods go to Pot, and break him at last too. It may be his Provision is neither dainty nor plentiful, nay, restrained, from our liberty too: ’tis only by day then, we will be Masters of our own at night, not wanting any thing that may conduce to mirth, or the delegation of our insatiate senses.

I asked him how could this be done? He answered, If I would swear to be secret and faithful, and become a Brother of the society, he would not only tell me how all this (afore recited) might be performed, but would likewise introduce me into the place where these jolly Blades used to congregate. I soon consented, rejoycing exceedingly at this blessed opportunity, (as I thought it) wherein I might sail in the Ocean of delight, bound for no other Port but that of Pleasure or Profit, never considering the inevitable Quicksands which such meet withal, steering that course, having no other Compass to sail by then their own Fancy. Very eager I was to have him inform my judgment with what at present I understood not, but doubted not in a little time to be as forward as the foremost in any moral wickedness. First, he informed me, that I must insinuate myself into the Maids favour, so that, when the occasion should require, she may let you have the Key of the Street-door, or else sit up for your return, making her sensible that she doth not so break her sleep for nothing. That I must never fail coming home to gratifie her kindness. If she be modest and continent, only kiss her, and that my behaviour should not be either rude or lascivious, that all my expressions should savour of Platonique, or chast love, often repeating this to her; O that I was out of my time, if it were for nothing else but to repay thee thy love! So great an acknowledgement I have of thy civilities, that I hope a time will come wherein I shall make full satisfaction for all, &c. If she be bucksome, or wantonly given, she will never be content with hopes, promises, and protestations, vows, and such like windy stuff; wherefore you must kiss, hug, and embrace her, telling how dearly you love her; and then fall to somewhat else: She may put you off at first with a Pish, a Fye, or Pray be civil; yet be so far from denying, that if you proceed not on vigorously, she will prompt you herself, to try what mettle you are made of; if dull, she will make you the Subject of her private nay and publick laughter and scorn. But be very cautious of procreation, which you may prevent several ways. Now to tell you what manner of persons we are; that are confederates; there are few among us but what are of several Trades selected, as Linnen Drapers, Mercers, Woollen Drapers, Silkmen, Hosiers, Haberdashers, Merchants, Grocers, Goldsmiths, Jewellers, Ribband-sellers, Exchange-men, to which add a Drawer and an Oyl-man, the one to furnish us with good Liquor, and the other to prepare our pallates for it. A great many Trades there are which signifie nothing in our Commonwealth as Pewtrers, Braziers, Plummers, &c., we are only for such as will profit the body, please the Pallate & fill the Pocket. Every one brings his several Commodities at the place of meeting, then do we exchange or barter one with another for what each respective person wants; either to supply his own occasion, or his Mistress: for it is to be supposed such a thing must be had; when procured, must be maintained, though to the definition of our Masters Estates, and mine of our bodily health. Further he added, that our Masters might not detect us in the purloining his goods, you must not (said he) take too much of one sort of Commodity.

All this I liked wonderfully well, and promised to meet that day seven night at the place appointed; and so we parted. Coming home, I immediately put these prescriptions into practice; first; taking notice of what Goods we had greatest quantity; and whatsoever Commodity my Master forgot he had: I always secured it as mine own: nay, sometimes I would try him; There was such a person enquiring for such a thing to day when you were abroad, but I could not find it: it may be he would say, We had it not; suiting my design according to desire. Having taken a thorrow view of the Shop and Ware house, I saw so many ways of advantage, if assisted by a cleanly conveyance, that I could snip as well as the most forward of them all.

The next thing I had to do, was to endear myself to the chief maid, who was one of those that lay covertly to see me wash myself in the Tub; and as she confest since, took an affection to me from that hour. It required no long time to court her into a compliance; her Complexion or Temperament, forcing her acceptance of anything amorously inclined. The colour of her hair inclined to Red, which colour (though I know not for what reason) I love above any: This may be partly the reason, because as that Complexion hath alwayes the concomitant of a very white skin, so it hath two inseperable Companions, Plumpness and Bucksomness: Her skin as the usual attendant of Red or Flaxenish hair, (as I said) was as white as whiteness it self: Her Cheeks naturally painted with Vermilion; plump were her Cheeks and Lips, with a mole thereon, and a dimple in her Chin, as the infallible marks of one that is willing to dedicate herself to the service of Venus.

Having a fit opportunity, after some amorous discourse, I desired her she would grant me leave that night to talk with her in private, having business of importance to impart to her: She condescended to my proposition. As soon as our Master and Mistress were gone to take their rest, her impatience to hear what I would say, made her soon send the rest to bed. The house being thus cleared, and all things silent as the Air, when Winds into their hollow grots repair, I acquainted her with the greatness of my affection, which I delivered with all the Rhetorick I could invent, still touching that String which produced Loves harmonious concord; So fervent I was in my expressions, and so ardent and hot in my desires, that I soon melted the conjealed iceness of her Chastity: But first there were mutual Articles reciprocally drawn and agreed unto, viz.

That if she proved with child, I should marry her.