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DUTY AND OTHER IRISH COMEDIES
[Illustration: FROM THE DRY POINT STUDY BY P. GRASSBY]
DUTY AND OTHER IRISH COMEDIES
BY
SEUMAS O'BRIEN
1916
CONTENTS
DUTY JURISPRUDENCE MAGNANIMITY MATCHMAKERS RETRIBUTION
DUTY
A COMEDY IN ONE ACT
CHARACTERS
HEAD CONSTABLE MULLIGAN A Member of the Royal Irish Constabulary
SERGEANT DOOLEY A Member of the R.I.C.
CONSTABLE HUGGINS A Member of the R.I.C.
MICUS GOGGIN
PADNA SWEENEY
MRS. ELLEN COTTER A public-house keeper
DUTY was produced for the first time at the Abbey Theatre, Dublin, December 17, 1913, with the following cast:
Head Constable Mulligan, R.I.C. ARTHUR SINCLAIR
Sergeant Dooley, R.I.C. FRED O'DONOVAN
Constable Huggins, R.I.C. SYDNEY J. MORGAN
Micus Goggin J.M. KERRIGAN
Padna Sweeney J.A. O'ROURKE
Mrs. Ellen Cotter UNA O'CONNOR
DUTY
Back kitchen of a country public house. Micus and Padna seated at a table drinking from pewter pints. Mrs. Cotter enters in response to a call.
PADNA (pointing to pint measures)
Fill 'em again, ma'am, please.
MRS. COTTER (taking pints, and wiping table)
Fill 'em again, is it? Indeed I won't do any such thing.
MICUS
Indeed you will, Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER Don't you know that 'tis Sunday night, an' that the police might call any minute?
MICUS (disdainfully)
The police!
PADNA
Bad luck to them!
MICUS Amen!
MRS. COTTER This will be the last drink that any one will get in this house to-night. [Exit.
MICUS 'Tis a nice state of affairs to think that dacent men, after a hard week's work, can't have a drink in pace and quietness in the town they were born and reared in, without bein' scared out o' their senses by the police!
PADNA 'Tis the hell of a thing, entirely! I don't see what's gained be closin' the pubs at all, unless it be to give the police somethin' to do.
MICUS
The overfed and undertaught bla'gards!
PADNA As far as I can see, there's as much drink sold as if the pubs were never closed.
MICUS There is, an' more; for if it wasn't forbidden to drink porter, it might be thought as little about as water.
PADNA I don't believe that, Micus. Did you ever hear of a pint or even a gallon of water makin' any one feel like Napoleon?
[Mrs. Cotter enters and places drinks on table.
PADNA (handing money)
There ye are, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER (takes money) Hurry now like good boys, for forty shillin's is a lot to pay for a pint o' porter, an' that's what 'twill cost ye if the police comes in an' finds ye here. An' I'll lose me license into the bargain. [Exit.
MICUS One would think be the way the police are talked about that they had charge of the whole Universe!
PADNA An' who else has charge of it but themselves an' the magistrates, or justices o' the pace, as they're called?
MICUS
They're worse than the police.
PADNA
They're as bad anyway, an' that's bad enough.
MICUS (scornfully)
Justices o' the pace!
PADNA
Micus!
MICUS
What?
PADNA (thoughtfully)
There's no justice in the world.
MICUS Damn the bit! Sure 'tisn't porter we should be drinkin' a cold night like this!
PADNA (as he sips from pint)
'Tis well to have it these times.
MICUS
The world is goin' to the dogs, I'm afraid.
PADNA
'Tisn't goin' at all, but gone.
MICUS
An' nobody seems to care.
PADNA Some pretend they do, like the preachers, but they're paid for it. I do be often wonderin' after readin' the newspapers if God has forgotten about the world altogether.
MICUS
I wouldn't be surprised, for nothin' seems to be right.
There's the police, for instance. They can do what
they like, an' we must do what we're told, like childer.
PADNA
Isn't the world a star, Micus?
MICUS (with pint to his mouth)
Of course it is.
PADNA Then it must be the way that it got lost among all the other stars one sees on a frosty night.
MICUS
Are there min in the other stars too?
PADNA
So I believe.
MICUS
That's queer.
PADNA
Sure, everythin' is queer.
MICUS If the min in the other stars are like the peelers, there won't be much room in Hell after the good are taken to Heaven on the last day.
PADNA
The last day! I don't like to think about the last day.
MICUS
Why so?
PADNA
Well, 'tis terrible to think that we might be taken to
Heaven, (pauses) an' our parents an' childer might
be sent (points towards the floor) with the Protestants.
MICUS If the Protestants will be as well treated in the next world as they are in this, I wouldn't mind goin' with 'em meself.
PADNA
I wouldn't like to be a Protestant after I'm dead, Micus.
MICUS (knocks with his pint on the table and Mrs. Cotter enters; he points to pints) The same again, Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER
Indeed, ye won't get another drop.
MICUS
This will be our last, ma'am. Don't be hard on us.
'Tis only a night of our lives, an' we'll be all dead
one day.
MRS. COTTER (as she leaves the room with measures in
hand)
Ye ought to be ashamed o' yerselves to be seen in
a public house a night like this.
MICUS We're ashamed o' nothin,' ma'am. We're only ourselves an' care for nobody.
MRS. COTTER (turning round) Well, this is the very last drink ye'll get then. [Exit.
PADNA
Women are all alike.
MICUS
They are, God forgive them.
PADNA
They must keep talkin'.
MICUS
An' 'tis only a fool that 'ud try to prevent 'em.
MRS. COTTER (entering and placing measures on table)
Hurry up, now, an' don't have me at the next Petty
Sessions.
[Exit.
MICUS (after testing drink)
Nothin' like a good pint o' "Dundon's."
PADNA
'Tis great stuff.
MICUS May the Lord spare them long, an' they buildin' houses for the poor an' churches for God!
PADNA
An' all out o' the beer money?
MICUS Of course. What else could ye make money at in a country like this?
PADNA
'Tis a thirsty climate!
MICUS If all those who made money built houses for the poor an' gave employment, there 'ud soon be no poor at all.
PADNA You're talkin' what's called socialism now, an' that's too delicate a plant, like Christianity, to thrive in a planet like this. So I heard one o' them preacher chaps sayin' the other evenin'.
MICUS Well, be all accounts, we're no better off than those who heard St. Peter himself preachin'. The poor still only get the promise of Heaven from the clergy.
PADNA
That's all they'll ever get.
MICUS
The world must surely be lost, Padna.
PADNA
Nothin' surer!
MICUS If God ever goes rummagin' among the stars an' finds it again, there'll be bad work, I'm thinkin'.
PADNA
I wonder will it be a great fire or another flood?
MICUS
Tis hard to tell!
[A loud knocking is heard at the door.
MRS. COTTER (from the shop)
Who's there?
VOICE
Police.
PADNA
May ye freeze there!
MICUS
Or trip over the threshold and break ye'r neck!
MRS. COTTER (rushing into kitchen) Quick! quick! quick! (Points to a door) This way, boys!
[Micus and Padna enter a small room off the kitchen. Mrs. Cotter locks the door and opens the street door for the policeman, the knocking getting louder meanwhile.
MRS. COTTER
Wait a minit! Wait a minit! I'm comin', I'm comin'.
[Opens door. Enter Head Constable Mulligan, R.I.C.
HEAD
You took a long time to open the door, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER I know I did, but it wasn't me fault, Head. I had the house locked up for the night, an' couldn't find where I left the kay.
HEAD 'Tis all right, ma'am. I can lose things meself. (Looks carefully around) 'Tis a lonesome thing to see the house so empty.
MRS. COTTER
'Tis Sunday night, Head.
HEAD Of course, of course! All the same I'd prefer to see it full—of bona-fide travellers, I mean.
MRS. COTTER Thank ye, Head. How's Mrs. Mulligan an' the childer?
HEAD
Wisha, purty fair. How's the world usin' yourself?
MRS. COTTER
Only for the rheumatics I'd have no cause to grumble.
HEAD 'Tis well to be alive at all these times. An' Ballyferris isn't the best place to keep any one alive in winter time.
MRS. COTTER Or summer time ayther. Whin the weather is good trade is bad.
HEAD That's always the way in this world. We're no sooner, out o' one trouble before another commences. I always admire the way you bear your troubles, though, Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER
I does me best, Head.
HEAD Just like meself! Just like meself! The Government makes laws an' I must see that they're not broken. (Rubbing his hands together) 'Tis a cold night, an' no doubt about it.
MRS. COTTER
Bad weather is due to us now.
HEAD Everythin' bad is due to some of us. Only for that shark of an Inspector 'tis little trouble I'd be givin' a dacent woman like yourself a night like this.
MRS. COTTER
He's very strict, I hear.
HEAD He's strict, disagreeable, a Protestant, a teetotaler, an' a Cromwellian to boot!
MRS. COTTER The Lord protect us! 'Tis a wonder you're alive at all!
HEAD Wisha, I'm only half alive. The cold never agrees with me. (Looking at fire) That's not a very dangerous fire, an' I'm as cold as a snowball.
MRS. COTTER (with her back to the door behind which Padna and Micus are hiding) There's a fine fire up-stairs in the sittin'-room.
HEAD (draws a chair and sits down) Thank ye, ma'am, but 'tisn't worth me while goin' up-stairs. As I said before, I wouldn't trouble you at all only for the Inspector, an' like Nelson, he expects every one to do their duty.
MRS. COTTER
'Tis a hard world.
HEAD An' a cold world too. I often feels cold on a summer day.
MRS. COTTER
That's too bad! Is there no cure for it?
HEAD
They say there's a cure for everything.
MRS. COTTER
I wonder if ye took a drop o' "Wise's" ten-year-old!
It might help to warm ye, if ye sat be the fire up-stairs.
HEAD (brightening up) Now, 'pon me word, but that's strange! I was just thinkin' o' the same thing meself. That's what's called telepattery or thought transference.
MRS. COTTER
Tella—what, Head?
HEAD (with confidence)
Telepattery, ma'am. 'Tis like this: I might be in
America—
MRS. COTTER
I wish you were—
HEAD (with a look of surprise)
What's that, ma'am?
MRS. COTTER I wish for your own sake that you were in a country where you would get better paid for your work.
HEAD (satisfied) Thank ye, ma'am. I suppose min like meself must wait till we go to the other world to get our reward.
MRS. COTTER
Very likely!
HEAD Well, as I was sayin', I might be in America, or New York, Boston, Chicago, or any o' thim foreign places, an' you might be in this very house, or up in your sister's house, or takin' a walk down the town, an' I'd think o' some thought, an' at that very second you'd think o' the same thought, an' nayther of us would know that we were both thinkin' o' the same thing. That's tellepattery, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER 'Tis a surprisin' thing, surely! Is it hot or cold you'll have the whiskey, Head?
HEAD
Cold, if ye please.
[Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away, he walks up and down whistling some popular air. Enter Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER
Will I bring it up-stairs for you?
HEAD
Indeed, I'm givin' you too much trouble as it is. I'll
try an' take it where I am. (Takes glass and tastes)
That is good stuff.
MRS. COTTER
I'm glad you like it.
HEAD
Who wouldn't like it?
MRS. COTTER
I don't know the taste of it.
HEAD (as he finishes contents of glass) May ye be always so, though there's nothin' like it all the same. (Handing coin) I think I'll have a little drop from meself this time.
MRS. COTTER (as she takes the money)
Will I bring it up-stairs?
HEAD
Erra, don't bother! I'm beginnin' to feel meself again.
[Fills his pipe until she returns.
MRS. COTTER (entering and handing drink)
Did you bring your overcoat with you, Head?
HEAD
Why so, ma'am?
MRS. COTTER Because the cold o' the rain is there. I wouldn't make any delay but go home immediately. You might get a wettin'.
HEAD (feeling his tunic) This wouldn't leave in a drop o' rain in a hundred years, ma'am.
[Knock at door.
MRS. COTTER
Who's there?
VOICE
Police!
HEAD
Police, did I hear?
MRS. COTTER
'Tis the Sergeant's voice.
HEAD
Glory to be God! I'm ruined! If he finds the smell o'
whiskey from me, he'll tell the Inspector, an' then
Head Constable Mulligan is no more!
MRS. COTTER
Is he as bad as that?
HEAD He has no conscience at all. He's a friend o' the Inspector's. (Knocking continues at door) Don't open that door till I tell you—that's if you don't want to find a corpse on the floor.
MRS. COTTER
Sure, I must open the door.
HEAD Time enough. He's paid for waitin'. Have you such a thing as an onion in the house?
MRS. COTTER
I didn't see an onion for the last three weeks.
HEAD (scratching his head) What the blazes will I do? (Looking towards coal hole) Whist! I'm saved. I'll go in here until he's gone. (Goes in and puts out his head) You can open now, but get rid of him as soon as you can.
[Exit Mrs. Cotter. Enter the Sergeant.
SERGEANT
So you opened at last. Well, better late than never!
MRS. COTTER I'm sorry for keepin' you waitin', Sergeant. I don't open the door for any one on Sunday nights, an' whin you said "Police," I thought it was one o' the boys tryin' to desaive me.
SERGEANT I see! I see! There's a lot o' desaitful people in the town, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER
There are, Sergeant.
SERGEANT There are indeed. (Coughs) I'm sick an' tired o' the place altogether.
MRS. COTTER I thought it agreed with you. You're lookin' very well, anyway.
SERGEANT I'm not feelin' well at all thin. (Coughs) There's nothin' more deceptive than looks at times. (Coughs)
MRS. COTTER
True.
SERGEANT 'Tis in me bed I should be instead of troublin' dacent people like yourself a night like this. (Coughs) But duty is duty, an' it must be done. If I didn't do what I'm told, that bla'gard of a Head Constable would soon have another an' maybe a worse man in my place.
MRS. COTTER
The Lord save us!
SERGEANT But as herself says: There's no use in the Government makin' laws if the people don't keep them.
MRS. COTTER
That's so.
SERGEANT
Keepin' the world in order is no aisy business, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER
'Tis a great responsibility.
SERGEANT (drawing a chair to the fire and sitting down)
'Pon me word I'm tired an' cold too.
MRS. COTTER
Wouldn't ye go home and go to bed, Sergeant?
SERGEANT If I went to bed at this hour, the Head would send a report to his chum the Inspector, statin' that I was drunk. (Coughs)
MRS. COTTER
That's a bad cough. How long is it troublin' ye?
SERGEANT Only since supper time. I was eatin' a bit o' cold meat, an' a bone or somethin' stuck there. (Points at his throat)
MRS. COTTER
An' what did ye do for it?
SERGEANT
What could I do for it?
MRS. COTTER
Ye could take a drink o' somethin' an' wash it down.
SERGEANT
I tried some cold tea. (Coughs)
MRS. COTTER
I wonder would a bottle of stout do any good.
SERGEANT
'Twould be no harm to try.
MRS. COTTER
Will ye have a bottle?
SERGEANT To tell ye the truth, I don't like bein' disobligin', ma'am. (Coughs)
[Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away, he walks up and down, whistling the while.
MRS. COTTER (at door) Ye might as well come up-stairs, Sergeant. There's a fine fire in the sitting-room.
SERGEANT
I'm first rate where I am. Thank you all the same.
[Takes stout and finishes it without withdrawing it from his mouth. Coughs.
MRS. COTTER
How do you feel now?
SERGEANT (wiping his mouth with a large old handkerchief) 'Tis gone! I mean the bone. I feel meself again.
MRS. COTTER I'm glad of that. (Looking at clock) 'Tis gone half-past ten, Sergeant.
SERGEANT
Plenty o' time. We'll be a long time dead, an' happy
I hope.
MRS. COTTER
Amen!
SERGEANT 'Tis my belief that we should all try to do good while we're alive.
MRS. COTTER
There's a lot o' good people in the world, Sergeant.
SERGEANT There is, ma'am, but nearly every one o' them thinks that they're better than what they are. That's what annoys me.
MRS. COTTER
Sure 'tis imagination that keeps the world movin'.
SERGEANT Yes, an' ambition. All the same, 'tis a good job that people can't see themselves as they really are.
MRS. COTTER They wouldn't believe that they were themselves if they could.
SERGEANT
I suppose not.
MRS. COTTER
Won't ye come up to the fire in the sittin'-room?
SERGEANT Don't be worryin' about me. I'm all right. That was good stout.
MRS. COTTER
The best!
SERGEANT 'Tis a cure for nearly everythin'. Only for takin' a little now an' again, I'd never be able to stand all the hardships o' me profession.
MRS. COTTER
Hard work isn't easy.
SERGEANT True! But a good drop o' stout, or better still "spirits" makes many things easy. 'Tis the seed o' pluck, so to speak. I'm feelin' just a little queer about the nerves. I think I'll have a drop o' "Wise's."
[Exit Mrs. Cotter. While she is away he fills his pipe.
MRS. COTTER (entering with drink)
That's like the noise of a row down the road.
SERGEANT Erra, let 'em row away! The Head is prowlin' about. Let him separate 'em. 'Tis about time he did somethin' for his livin'. 'Tis a damn shame to have the poor rate payers supportin' the likes of him.
MRS. COTTER
I wouldn't be talkin' like that, Sergeant.
SERGEANT Why wouldn't I talk? There's as many Head Constables as clergy in the country, an' only for the sergeants an' an odd constable 'tis unknown what 'ud happen!
MRS. COTTER
The Head is a dacent gentleman.
SERGEANT You don't know anythin' about him. Grumblin' about havin' to shave himself he does be now, an' only for havin' a bald patch on one side of his face, he'd let his whiskers grow altogether.
[The Head sneezes in the coal hole.
SERGEANT
What noise is that?
MRS. COTTER (startled)
That's only the cat in the coal hole.
SERGEANT (leaving his chair and moves toward it) He must be suffocatin'. I'll open the door an' let him out. Under the grate he should be a cold night like this. (Opens the door and sees the Head) Heavens be praised! 'Tis the Head himself!
[The Head comes out, arranges his cap, and is not aware that he has a black spot on his nose.
HEAD 'Tis the Head an' every inch an' ounce of him too that stands before ye.
SERGEANT
I thought 'twas y'er ghost I saw.
HEAD (angrily)
What the blazes would me ghost be doin' in a coal hole?
SERGEANT What I'd like to know is what y'erself have been doin' there.
HEAD That won't take me long to tell. Waitin' and watchin' to catch the likes o' you is what took me there.
SERGEANT Now, Head, with all due respects, I'd try an' tell the truth if I were you.
HEAD Sergeant Dooley, sir, anythin' you'll say or be likely to say 'll be used in evidence against you.
SERGEANT An' anythin' that you say or don't say may be used in evidence against you.
HEAD (enraged)
Sergeant Dooley!
SERGEANT (coolly)
Yes, Head.
HEAD
Do you know that y'er addressin' y'er superior officer?
SERGEANT
The less said about superiority the better.
HEAD You can't deny that I found you drinkin' on these licensed premises while on duty.
SERGEANT I might as well tell you candidly that you have no more chance o' frightenin' me or desaivin' me than you have of catchin' whales in Casey's duck-pond.
HEAD (passionately)
I'll—I'll—I—
SERGEANT You'll have a drink from me, an' we'll say no more about the matter. I wouldn't blame any man for takin' a drop a cold night like this. I suppose 'twill be "Wise's" the same as the last? That's if me sense o' smell isn't out of order.
HEAD (crestfallen, blows his breath on the palm of his hand and looks at the Sergeant) Is it as bad as that?
SERGEANT I smelt it the instant I came in, an' wondered where 'twas comin' from.
HEAD
I only took it to avoid catchin' cold.
SERGEANT Just like meself. We must avoid catchin' cold at any cost. (To Mrs. Cotter) Two glasses o' "Wise's," ma'am."
[Exit Mrs. Cotter.
SERGEANT (to Head)
Wait, an' I'll wipe that black spot off ye'r nose.
[He does so. Enter Mrs. Cotter.
MRS. COTTER (handing drinks) The fire up-stairs is blazing away, an' there's no one sittin' by it.
HEAD
We're all right. (Holding glass) Here's long life to us!
SERGEANT
Health an' prosperity!
HEAD (after finishing drink) We must have another, for I'm not feelin' too well, an' 'tis better be on the safe side. 'Twas through neglect that some o' the best min died.
SERGEANT
We must not forget that!
HEAD (to Mrs. Cotter)
The same again, Mrs. Cotter.
[Exit Mrs. Cotter with glasses.
HEAD
I saw be the papers last night that the Royal Irish
Constabulary are the finest in the world.
SERGEANT
Sure every one knows that!
HEAD
I wonder what kind are all the others?
SERGEANT
That's what I'd like to know.
MRS. COTTER (at door)
Will I bring them up to the sittin'-room, gentlemen?
HEAD
We're first class as we are, ma'am.
[Mrs. Cotter hands the glasses and a loud knock is heard at the door.
MRS. COTTER
Who's there?
VOICE
Police!
HEAD
'Tis the constable!
SERGEANT
The bla'gard surely!
HEAD
What'll we do?
SERGEANT
Take the drinks first, an' consider after.
[They finish drinks and hand back the glasses to Mrs. Cotter.
HEAD I suppose we had better hide in the coal hole. He has a better nose than yourself, an' one word from him to the Inspector would soon deprive us o' both stripes an' pensions.
SERGEANT I suppose the coal hole is the best place, though it does offend me dignity to go there.
HEAD Wisha, bad luck to you an' ye'r dignity. Come on here!
[The Head enters, and the Sergeant follows. Mrs. Cotter opens the street door and the Constable enters.
CONSTABLE (sarcastically)
Thanks very much for openin' the door, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER I'm sorry for keepin' you waitin', Constable. I was sayin' me prayers up-stairs before goin' to bed.
CONSTABLE
If I had known that, I wouldn't have disturbed you.
I hope you said one for me.
MRS. COTTER
Of course I did. I always ses a prayer for the police.
CONSTABLE An' right too, ma'am, for 'tis little time we have for prayin'. There's no rest for a man once he joins the Force. Whin y're not kept busy thinkin' o' one thing, y're kept busy thinkin' o' somethin' else.
MRS. COTTER
Thinkin' is worse than workin'.
CONSTABLE A hundred times. (Looking at his watch) 'Tis a long time since first Mass this mornin'. Saturday! Sunday! Monday! 'Tis all the same whin y're in the Force. On y'er feet all day, an' kep' awake be the childer all night. An' whin pay day comes, all y'er hard earnin's goes to keep the wolf from the door.
MRS. COTTER
God help us!
CONSTABLE
Say what ye will, but life is an awful bother.
MRS. COTTER
We must go through it.
CONSTABLE Well, 'tis a good job we don't live as long as the alligators. We might have to support our grandchilder if we did, an' I may tell you it gives me enough to do to support me own.
MRS. COTTER
How many have you now, Constable?
CONSTABLE
Seven, an' the wife's mother.
MRS. COTTER
I thought she was dead.
CONSTABLE (disgusted)
Dead! There's five years more in her!
MRS. COTTER
You seem to be in a very bad humor to-night.
CONSTABLE An' why not? When I have to put up with that bla'gard of a Sergeant—not to mention the Head-constable!
MRS. COTTER
We all have our troubles.
CONSTABLE Some of us get more than our share. An' 'tis far from troublin' a dacent woman like you I'd be, only for the Sergeant, ma'am.
MRS. COTTER Excuse me, Constable. I can't keep me eyes open with the sleep.
CONSTABLE I'm sorry for troublin' you. But duty is duty, an' it must be done whether we give offence to our best friends or not. Sure, 'tis well I know that you have no one on the premises.
MRS. COTTER
We can't please everybody.
CONSTABLE (as he draws a chair to the fire and sits down) Who would try? I wonder is it snow we're goin' to have?
MRS. COTTER
If you're cold, come up to the fire in the sittin'-room.
Or if I were you, I'd take a good walk.
CONSTABLE
I'm tired o' walkin', an' the cold gives me no trouble.
'Tis the pains I have here (placing his hand on his
heart) that affects me.
MRS. COTTER
What sort are they?
CONSTABLE
Cramps—of the worst kind.
MRS. COTTER
Gracious me! Have you taken anythin' for them?
CONSTABLE
What would be good for 'em?