PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. Hammerton
Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to “Punch,” from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
MR. PUNCH IN WIG AND GOWN
“UP BEFORE THE BEAK”
MR. PUNCH
IN WIG
AND GOWN
THE LIGHTER SIDE OF BENCH
AND BAR
WITH 120
ILLUSTRATIONS
BY
H. STACY MARKS, SIR JOHN
TENNIEL, GEORGE DU
MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE,
PHIL MAY, E. T. REED,
L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD
PARTRIDGE, A. S. BOYD,
TOM BROWNE, G. D.
ARMOUR, W. F. THOMAS,
AND OTHERS.
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH
THE PROPRIETORS OF “PUNCH”
THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
Punch Library of Humour
Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages
fully illustrated
LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN
STATING THE CASE
Mr. Punch has done his share towards bringing about various law reforms. We find him hammering away continually for many years at the Law’s delays, its costliness, its inconsistencies, and the evils he has satirised, the inconveniences he has laughed at have largely been remedied. He makes fun of the jesting judge and the bullying barrister, while he is genially amusing at the expense of the timid and blundering witness, and the youthful vanity or elderly pomposity of members of the bench and bar. He is rightly bitter now and then when he touches on the comparatively light sentences inflicted on audacious, but wealthy, swindlers, and the comparatively heavy penalties exacted from lesser, poorer, and more ignorant burglars and pickpockets; but in the main he devotes himself to the lighter side of law and justice and the professions that are concerned in its administration.
Here and there you come across echoes of famous law suits—of the Tichborne trial, the Parnell Commission; here and there you have reminders of Bradlaugh’s fight to get into Parliament without taking the oath; of the days when London was agitated by the Fenian scare and valorous householders were sworn in as special constables, and again when everybody passing into the law courts had to open his bag that the policeman on duty might be assured that he was not carrying a bomb inside it.
The reading matter is particularly apt and good; not a little of it was written by barristers in the intervals of waiting for briefs, and the writers were thus intimately acquainted with the grievances they ventilated, and were often suffering the hardships of the briefless themselves when they sat down to make fun of them.
MR. PUNCH IN WIG AND GOWN
OUR LEGAL CORRESPONDENCE
Novice.—(a) Don’t, unless you want penal servitude for life. (b) Any respectable burglar. (c) We do not answer questions on chiropody in this column.
Hard Up.—Brougham on Conveyances will explain whether your contract to purchase the motor-car is binding or not.
Farmer.—It is either an “escrow” or a scarecrow; impossible to state definitely without further information.
B. and S.—There is no reduction (of the fine) in taking a quantity—generally the reverse.
Traveller.—By travelling in the manner you describe, viz., under the seat, you render yourself liable to “stoppage in transitu,” and to completing the rest of your journey on foot “in custodia legis.” The authorities on this point are very clear. See Constable’s Reports, P.C. X. Y. Z., Vol. XIV., pages 72-85.
Justice.—If the defendant lost, you, being plaintiff would win, and vice versâ. Consult a solicitor.
Student.—Can only spare space for half your questions. “Aggravated assault” explains itself, an assault which aggravates or annoys you. “Damage fesant,” a badly shot pheasant. “Simple larceny,” taking an empty purse out of a pocket in which a sovereign is lying loose. “Misdemeanour” is of course the demeanour of an unmarried woman, or in plainer language, the airs she gives herself.
“Gentlemen, I am ready to admit that his career in the past has not been free from blemish——”
A Brief Existence.—A barrister’s.
The Letter of the Law.—The “letter of the law” must be x. It expresses a quantity that is unknown.
A Law Suit.—Wig, gown, and bands.
How to make use of “the Block in the Law Courts.”—Try wigs on it.
Good Legal Securities.—De-Benchers of Lincoln’s Inn.
“WHEN THE CAT’S AWAY”——
Mr. Blazer, K.C., returns unexpectedly to his chambers in the middle of vacation.
THE BAR AND ITS MOANING
I am watching, I am waiting,
And my hair is growing grey,
For it is exasperating,
That no business comes my way.
Other men in briefs may revel
When successfully they plead,
I am only a poor “devil,”
Often worked but never fee’d.
E’en the bank-clerk in the city
Has a salary that’s small,
But we juniors, more’s the pity,
Don’t make anything at all.
Living still on false pretences,
Since the truth we dare not own,
Some not earning their expenses
If the facts were truly known.
And meantime the years are flying,
Bringing changes p’raps for some,
Not for me tho’; I’m relying
On the practice that’s to come.
Legal Mem.—A barrister is only invited to sit on the Bench when he has had some considerable amount of standing at the Bar.
“A Winding-up Case.”—A watch’s.
PROBABLY THE NEXT ABSURDITY
In ladies’ winter costumes.
HELPFUL HINTS TO YOUNG BARRISTERS
“Never miss a chance of ingratiating yourself with the jury, even at the expense of the judge.”
(An opportunity often occurs after lunch.)
“Always laugh at the judge’s jokes. It is not upon such an occasion that his lordship observes that he will not have the court turned into a theatre.”
“Show no mercy to the police; they have few friends.”
REAL PRESENCE OF MIND
Policeman X 24, drunk and almost incapable, is just able to blow his whistle for help!
LEGAL EDUCATION
The sons of lawyers, who are intended for their fathers’ profession, cannot too early become familiar with legal phrases and their meanings. Old nursery rhymes might easily be adapted for this purpose. For instance—
I.
Alibi, baby, on the tree top,
Proved ’gainst your foes,
The case it will stop;
When we suppose
The evidence fall,
Down goes the alibi, baby, and all.
II.
Dickory, dickory, dock,
The burglar picks a lock,
Police come down,
Case for Crown,
Dickory, dickory, dock.
III.
Goosey, Goosey, Gander,
Whither do you wander?
Up-stairs and down-stairs into Judges’ Chambers.
Old Baron Longwigs,
Finished his affairs,
Puts him out his left leg,
Puts him out his right leg,
Puts him out his both legs and walks down-stairs.
IV.
Taffy was a Welshman,
Taffy was a thief,
Taffy came to my house,
And stole a leg o’ beef.
P’liceman went to Taffy’s house,
Taffy wouldn’t own;
Took him up to my house,
Thence to Mary’bone.[1]
V.
Ride a cab horse,
Beyond Charing Cross,
To see any lady get a divorce;
Ring on her finger
Still dully shows;
Will she have music wherever she goes?
[1] Subaudi, Police Court.
BREACH OF PROMISE
(Left in the Hall of the Law Courts.)
The gentle genius of the night,
Of course I mean Diana,
Made me dilate with rapt delight
To you, my fair Susanna.
But please don’t think my words were true
The moon played me a sorry trick,
Beneath the sun I write to you,
I merely was a lunatic.
You’ve mulcted me to a pretty tune,
I’ll have revenge—I’ll shoot the moon!
The Trials of an Anxious “Junior.”—Prompting a deaf and testy “chief” in open court is not his idea of perfect bliss.
THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS
His Honour. “H’m! Will you kindly raise your veil. I find it extremely difficult to—h’m—hear anyone distinctly with those thick veils——”
WHAT THEY SEEM
“Er—er—thank you! Silence! I will not have this court turned into a place of amusement!”
“The Meshes of the Law!”—Rural Magistrate. “Prisoner, you are charged with—ah—loitering about in a suspicious manner, without any ostensible employment. How do you obtain a living?”
Prisoner. “Your wusship, I’m engaged in the manufacture of smoked glasses for observing eclipses—an ‘industry’”—(solemnly)—“an ‘industry,’ your wusship, which involves protracted periods of enforced leisu-are!!”
Discharged with a caution!
Pity the Poor Prisoners!—Scene—County Prison: Visiting Justices on Inspection.
Visiting Justice. “Any complaints?”
Prisoner. “Yes, your Honour. We’re guv on’y one bucket at shavin’ time, so we’ve all got to dip our razors in the same water, and who knows wot skin diseases a cove might ketch!”
The Barrister’s Favourite Hymn.—“‘Brief’ life is here our portion.”
Legal Query. (From an Earnest Enquirer.)—“Sir, I have often heard of ‘The Will of the Wisp.’ Was this will ever proved? Who was ‘the Wisp’? Why so called? Because he was a man of straw? Wisper your answer to me, and oblige yours,
“Colney Hatcher, E. I.”
The Gas Companies’ Lawyer.—Coke.
Two Sorts of Police.—The Detective—and the Defective.
Criminal Query.—Can a prisoner who commits himself, also form his own conviction?
The Legal Fraternity.—Brothers-in-law.
Legal Question.—What are the “Benchers” of our Inns of Court?
Persons so called from their persistent adherence to legal forms.
Legal “Instruments.”—“Soft recorders.”
Solicitor. “Now, as a matter of fact, when expressing your opinion of your opponent, you did use a leetle strong language?”
Client. “Wull, I don’t know as I forgot anything!”
Old Saying (By our own Detective).—Professional thieves are notoriously dense, hence the proverbial expression, “Thick as thieves.”
When a leading barrister gets someone to “devil” for him, may the latter’s occupation be correctly described as “devilry”?
The result of going out for a “lark” very generally is, that the last part of the lark you see is the beak.
Sittings in Error.—A pew in a Mormonite chapel.
Law and Time.—A “watching brief” must have much to do with second-hand information.
Cause Without Effect.—An action resulting in a farthing’s damages.
A “Counter-Case.”—Shop-lifting.
Diamonds of the Cape.—Intelligent policemen.
Information Wanted.—At what time in the morning are barristers called?
MR. PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATED LAW REPORTS
“Alleged contempt of court by an infant”
Compliments.—“The Court” (thinking aloud). “Hu—m—’markably fine young wom——.”
The Witness (overhearing). “Excellent judge!!”
Cantankerous.—Legal Adviser (drawing up the old gentleman’s will). “Um—seems a pity you should cut off your son with a shilling. But, if you’re determined—hem!—what about the pictures? You have a very valuable collection, sir?——”
Crusty Invalid. “Oh, drat the pictures! Leave ’em to the Blind Asylum!!”
NO JOKE FOR A JURY
O poor jury, boxed, poor jury,
Three weeks odd, each day but one;
Rose impatience not to fury
Ere your weary task was done?
You were special, picked and chosen
For the nonce, were you, indeed.
But had one among your dozen,
Business of his own to heed?
Put an artist on an action,
Or a scribe as juror bind,
How shall that man help distraction,
From his duty, of his mind?
Thoughts of lost employment pressing
He can chase not, nor control
Fell anxiety, distressing,
If it were to save his soul.
If your case needs comprehension,
Litigants, your jury, then,
Must, to give it due attention,
Be composed of leisured men.
Swells in yachts life idly leading,
Fishing, hunting, shooting, who
Might, to work for bread not needing,
Sing, “We’ve got no work to do.”
THE REJECTED DESIGN FOR THE NEW LAW COURTS
“One anonymous architect has sent in a frantic design, which the commissioners have not chosen to exhibit.”—Times, Feb. 11, 1867.
Maritime Law.—The law of libel does not apply to a “running down” case. The parties are not in the same boat.
Question.—Can a process server legally be said to be a writualist?
Question every Magistrate ought to ask himself before going to Sleep.—“I wonder if I have committed myself in any way to-day?”
How to Prevent a Conspiracy from Leaking Out.—Let the plot thicken.
A Moral Phenomenon.—A barrister returning his fee.
Briefless Theory.—’Tis practice makes the barrister perfect.
“After you,” as the policeman ought to be allowed to say to the bubble-bank director.
Legal Quibble.—A barrister should cultivate a good temper, if he would succeed as a cross-examiner.
A CONTRAST