PUNCH LIBRARY OF HUMOUR
Edited by J. A. Hammerton
Designed to provide in a series of volumes, each complete in itself, the cream of our national humour, contributed by the masters of comic draughtsmanship and the leading wits of the age to “Punch,” from its beginning in 1841 to the present day.
MR. PUNCH IN WIG AND GOWN
“UP BEFORE THE BEAK”
MR. PUNCH
IN WIG
AND GOWN
THE LIGHTER SIDE OF BENCH
AND BAR
WITH 120
ILLUSTRATIONS
BY
H. STACY MARKS, SIR JOHN
TENNIEL, GEORGE DU
MAURIER, CHARLES KEENE,
PHIL MAY, E. T. REED,
L. RAVEN-HILL, J. BERNARD
PARTRIDGE, A. S. BOYD,
TOM BROWNE, G. D.
ARMOUR, W. F. THOMAS,
AND OTHERS.
PUBLISHED BY ARRANGEMENT WITH
THE PROPRIETORS OF “PUNCH”
THE EDUCATIONAL BOOK CO. LTD.
Punch Library of Humour
Twenty-five volumes, crown 8vo, 192 pages
fully illustrated
LIFE IN LONDON
COUNTRY LIFE
IN THE HIGHLANDS
SCOTTISH HUMOUR
IRISH HUMOUR
COCKNEY HUMOUR
IN SOCIETY
AFTER DINNER STORIES
IN BOHEMIA
AT THE PLAY
MR. PUNCH AT HOME
ON THE CONTINONG
RAILWAY BOOK
AT THE SEASIDE
MR. PUNCH AFLOAT
IN THE HUNTING FIELD
MR. PUNCH ON TOUR
WITH ROD AND GUN
MR. PUNCH AWHEEL
BOOK OF SPORTS
GOLF STORIES
IN WIG AND GOWN
ON THE WARPATH
BOOK OF LOVE
WITH THE CHILDREN
STATING THE CASE
Mr. Punch has done his share towards bringing about various law reforms. We find him hammering away continually for many years at the Law’s delays, its costliness, its inconsistencies, and the evils he has satirised, the inconveniences he has laughed at have largely been remedied. He makes fun of the jesting judge and the bullying barrister, while he is genially amusing at the expense of the timid and blundering witness, and the youthful vanity or elderly pomposity of members of the bench and bar. He is rightly bitter now and then when he touches on the comparatively light sentences inflicted on audacious, but wealthy, swindlers, and the comparatively heavy penalties exacted from lesser, poorer, and more ignorant burglars and pickpockets; but in the main he devotes himself to the lighter side of law and justice and the professions that are concerned in its administration.
Here and there you come across echoes of famous law suits—of the Tichborne trial, the Parnell Commission; here and there you have reminders of Bradlaugh’s fight to get into Parliament without taking the oath; of the days when London was agitated by the Fenian scare and valorous householders were sworn in as special constables, and again when everybody passing into the law courts had to open his bag that the policeman on duty might be assured that he was not carrying a bomb inside it.
The reading matter is particularly apt and good; not a little of it was written by barristers in the intervals of waiting for briefs, and the writers were thus intimately acquainted with the grievances they ventilated, and were often suffering the hardships of the briefless themselves when they sat down to make fun of them.
MR. PUNCH IN WIG AND GOWN
OUR LEGAL CORRESPONDENCE
Novice.—(a) Don’t, unless you want penal servitude for life. (b) Any respectable burglar. (c) We do not answer questions on chiropody in this column.
Hard Up.—Brougham on Conveyances will explain whether your contract to purchase the motor-car is binding or not.
Farmer.—It is either an “escrow” or a scarecrow; impossible to state definitely without further information.
B. and S.—There is no reduction (of the fine) in taking a quantity—generally the reverse.
Traveller.—By travelling in the manner you describe, viz., under the seat, you render yourself liable to “stoppage in transitu,” and to completing the rest of your journey on foot “in custodia legis.” The authorities on this point are very clear. See Constable’s Reports, P.C. X. Y. Z., Vol. XIV., pages 72-85.
Justice.—If the defendant lost, you, being plaintiff would win, and vice versâ. Consult a solicitor.
Student.—Can only spare space for half your questions. “Aggravated assault” explains itself, an assault which aggravates or annoys you. “Damage fesant,” a badly shot pheasant. “Simple larceny,” taking an empty purse out of a pocket in which a sovereign is lying loose. “Misdemeanour” is of course the demeanour of an unmarried woman, or in plainer language, the airs she gives herself.
“Gentlemen, I am ready to admit that his career in the past has not been free from blemish——”
A Brief Existence.—A barrister’s.
The Letter of the Law.—The “letter of the law” must be x. It expresses a quantity that is unknown.
A Law Suit.—Wig, gown, and bands.
How to make use of “the Block in the Law Courts.”—Try wigs on it.
Good Legal Securities.—De-Benchers of Lincoln’s Inn.
“WHEN THE CAT’S AWAY”——
Mr. Blazer, K.C., returns unexpectedly to his chambers in the middle of vacation.
THE BAR AND ITS MOANING
I am watching, I am waiting,
And my hair is growing grey,
For it is exasperating,
That no business comes my way.
Other men in briefs may revel
When successfully they plead,
I am only a poor “devil,”
Often worked but never fee’d.
E’en the bank-clerk in the city
Has a salary that’s small,
But we juniors, more’s the pity,
Don’t make anything at all.
Living still on false pretences,
Since the truth we dare not own,
Some not earning their expenses
If the facts were truly known.
And meantime the years are flying,
Bringing changes p’raps for some,
Not for me tho’; I’m relying
On the practice that’s to come.
Legal Mem.—A barrister is only invited to sit on the Bench when he has had some considerable amount of standing at the Bar.
“A Winding-up Case.”—A watch’s.
PROBABLY THE NEXT ABSURDITY
In ladies’ winter costumes.
HELPFUL HINTS TO YOUNG BARRISTERS
“Never miss a chance of ingratiating yourself with the jury, even at the expense of the judge.”
(An opportunity often occurs after lunch.)
“Always laugh at the judge’s jokes. It is not upon such an occasion that his lordship observes that he will not have the court turned into a theatre.”
“Show no mercy to the police; they have few friends.”
REAL PRESENCE OF MIND
Policeman X 24, drunk and almost incapable, is just able to blow his whistle for help!
LEGAL EDUCATION
The sons of lawyers, who are intended for their fathers’ profession, cannot too early become familiar with legal phrases and their meanings. Old nursery rhymes might easily be adapted for this purpose. For instance—
I.
Alibi, baby, on the tree top,
Proved ’gainst your foes,
The case it will stop;
When we suppose
The evidence fall,
Down goes the alibi, baby, and all.
II.
Dickory, dickory, dock,
The burglar picks a lock,
Police come down,
Case for Crown,
Dickory, dickory, dock.
III.
Goosey, Goosey, Gander,
Whither do you wander?
Up-stairs and down-stairs into Judges’ Chambers.
Old Baron Longwigs,
Finished his affairs,
Puts him out his left leg,
Puts him out his right leg,
Puts him out his both legs and walks down-stairs.
IV.
Taffy was a Welshman,
Taffy was a thief,
Taffy came to my house,
And stole a leg o’ beef.
P’liceman went to Taffy’s house,
Taffy wouldn’t own;
Took him up to my house,
Thence to Mary’bone.[1]
V.
Ride a cab horse,
Beyond Charing Cross,
To see any lady get a divorce;
Ring on her finger
Still dully shows;
Will she have music wherever she goes?
[1] Subaudi, Police Court.
BREACH OF PROMISE
(Left in the Hall of the Law Courts.)
The gentle genius of the night,
Of course I mean Diana,
Made me dilate with rapt delight
To you, my fair Susanna.
But please don’t think my words were true
The moon played me a sorry trick,
Beneath the sun I write to you,
I merely was a lunatic.
You’ve mulcted me to a pretty tune,
I’ll have revenge—I’ll shoot the moon!
The Trials of an Anxious “Junior.”—Prompting a deaf and testy “chief” in open court is not his idea of perfect bliss.
THINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS
His Honour. “H’m! Will you kindly raise your veil. I find it extremely difficult to—h’m—hear anyone distinctly with those thick veils——”
WHAT THEY SEEM
“Er—er—thank you! Silence! I will not have this court turned into a place of amusement!”
“The Meshes of the Law!”—Rural Magistrate. “Prisoner, you are charged with—ah—loitering about in a suspicious manner, without any ostensible employment. How do you obtain a living?”
Prisoner. “Your wusship, I’m engaged in the manufacture of smoked glasses for observing eclipses—an ‘industry’”—(solemnly)—“an ‘industry,’ your wusship, which involves protracted periods of enforced leisu-are!!”
Discharged with a caution!
Pity the Poor Prisoners!—Scene—County Prison: Visiting Justices on Inspection.
Visiting Justice. “Any complaints?”
Prisoner. “Yes, your Honour. We’re guv on’y one bucket at shavin’ time, so we’ve all got to dip our razors in the same water, and who knows wot skin diseases a cove might ketch!”
The Barrister’s Favourite Hymn.—“‘Brief’ life is here our portion.”
Legal Query. (From an Earnest Enquirer.)—“Sir, I have often heard of ‘The Will of the Wisp.’ Was this will ever proved? Who was ‘the Wisp’? Why so called? Because he was a man of straw? Wisper your answer to me, and oblige yours,
“Colney Hatcher, E. I.”
The Gas Companies’ Lawyer.—Coke.
Two Sorts of Police.—The Detective—and the Defective.
Criminal Query.—Can a prisoner who commits himself, also form his own conviction?
The Legal Fraternity.—Brothers-in-law.
Legal Question.—What are the “Benchers” of our Inns of Court?
Persons so called from their persistent adherence to legal forms.
Legal “Instruments.”—“Soft recorders.”
Solicitor. “Now, as a matter of fact, when expressing your opinion of your opponent, you did use a leetle strong language?”
Client. “Wull, I don’t know as I forgot anything!”
Old Saying (By our own Detective).—Professional thieves are notoriously dense, hence the proverbial expression, “Thick as thieves.”
When a leading barrister gets someone to “devil” for him, may the latter’s occupation be correctly described as “devilry”?
The result of going out for a “lark” very generally is, that the last part of the lark you see is the beak.
Sittings in Error.—A pew in a Mormonite chapel.
Law and Time.—A “watching brief” must have much to do with second-hand information.
Cause Without Effect.—An action resulting in a farthing’s damages.
A “Counter-Case.”—Shop-lifting.
Diamonds of the Cape.—Intelligent policemen.
Information Wanted.—At what time in the morning are barristers called?
MR. PUNCH’S ILLUSTRATED LAW REPORTS
“Alleged contempt of court by an infant”
Compliments.—“The Court” (thinking aloud). “Hu—m—’markably fine young wom——.”
The Witness (overhearing). “Excellent judge!!”
Cantankerous.—Legal Adviser (drawing up the old gentleman’s will). “Um—seems a pity you should cut off your son with a shilling. But, if you’re determined—hem!—what about the pictures? You have a very valuable collection, sir?——”
Crusty Invalid. “Oh, drat the pictures! Leave ’em to the Blind Asylum!!”
NO JOKE FOR A JURY
O poor jury, boxed, poor jury,
Three weeks odd, each day but one;
Rose impatience not to fury
Ere your weary task was done?
You were special, picked and chosen
For the nonce, were you, indeed.
But had one among your dozen,
Business of his own to heed?
Put an artist on an action,
Or a scribe as juror bind,
How shall that man help distraction,
From his duty, of his mind?
Thoughts of lost employment pressing
He can chase not, nor control
Fell anxiety, distressing,
If it were to save his soul.
If your case needs comprehension,
Litigants, your jury, then,
Must, to give it due attention,
Be composed of leisured men.
Swells in yachts life idly leading,
Fishing, hunting, shooting, who
Might, to work for bread not needing,
Sing, “We’ve got no work to do.”
THE REJECTED DESIGN FOR THE NEW LAW COURTS
“One anonymous architect has sent in a frantic design, which the commissioners have not chosen to exhibit.”—Times, Feb. 11, 1867.
Maritime Law.—The law of libel does not apply to a “running down” case. The parties are not in the same boat.
Question.—Can a process server legally be said to be a writualist?
Question every Magistrate ought to ask himself before going to Sleep.—“I wonder if I have committed myself in any way to-day?”
How to Prevent a Conspiracy from Leaking Out.—Let the plot thicken.
A Moral Phenomenon.—A barrister returning his fee.
Briefless Theory.—’Tis practice makes the barrister perfect.
“After you,” as the policeman ought to be allowed to say to the bubble-bank director.
Legal Quibble.—A barrister should cultivate a good temper, if he would succeed as a cross-examiner.
A CONTRAST
Mr. Bigwig, the eminent K.C., and his clerk.
In a County Court.—Judge (to Mr. Pettiphog, plaintiff’s solicitor). I really cannot see that you have proved the defendant’s means.
Mr. P. (excitedly, to defendant). No means! How did you get here, sir?
Defendant. I walked.
Mr. P. Where did you get the boots to walk in?
Defendant. I borrowed them.
Mr. P. (triumphantly). On what security, sir, on what security?
Defendant. On the fact that you had taken up the case against me.
[General merriment. No order.
Brief “Bags.”—Short trousers.
Drink for Lawyers.—The Wool-sack.
The Policeman’s Lady-Love.—Ar(e)abella.
The Jury Starvation System.—Q. What foreign institution does starving a jury approach the nearest to?
A. The Diet of Hungary.
A Case of Self-sacrifice.—Mrs. Grimes. “No, sir, Mr. Smith ain’t a-bin in ’is chambers not for a week, sir.”
Mr. Brown. “Oh! You’re sure now you know the gentleman I mean—Mr. Meldon Smith?”
Mrs. Grimes. “Hi knows ’im right enough. Wy, I does all ’is washin’ and mendin’ for ’im!”
AT THE SESSIONS
Counsel. “Do you know the nature of an oath, my good woman?”
Witness (with a black eye). “I did ought to, sir! Which my ’usban’ ’s a Covin’ Garden porter, sir!”
An Expensive Call to Pay.—A call to the Bar.
Legal Inquiry.—If I buy a pair of trousers warranted to wear well, and they turn out a failure, should I, on bringing an action for damages, be “non-suited,” or could I counterclaim damages for “breeches of promise”?
THE DELIGHTS OF TRIAL BY JURY
These gentlemen are expected to be in a judicial frame of mind after hanging about the precincts of the court for several days, under penalty of a heavy fine, while their private business in the city and elsewhere is going to the dogs. (Why should not half-pay officers do the work, and relieve busy men?)
Brief Authority.—A barrister’s.
The Division List.—Divorce Court causes.
Centre of Gravity.—A judge in court.
The Block of Legal Business.—The wig block.
TO PORTIA AT THE BAR
(“The first lady barrister has just taken the oath at Paris.”—Daily paper).
O Portia, many maids there are,
Who wear their wigs as gaily
As thou, appearing at the bar
To take refreshers daily;
They rustle too, in silk like thee
With oft a clerk resplendent
And, not infrequently you see,
Solicitors attendant.
Their trade is legal—so is thine,
Yet not their craft thou pliest,
For they are in the liquor line
And thou in law—the driest.
But welcome, bar maid! hail to thee!
Bright be thy lot and griefless!
And may thy portion never be,
Like this poor writer’s, briefless.
The Eye of the Law.—Policeman’s bull’s-eye.
More than a Miracle.—When a prisoner is “taken from the dock unmoved.”
Song for Magistrates.—“Let us speak of a man as we’ve fined him.”
THE FINE OLD SPIRIT
“But if you really think Jones has injured you, my dear fellow, why not consult some clever lawyer?”
“Lawyer, indeed! With men of my stamp, the only possible reply to a man of Jones’s, is the horsewhip, since it can no longer be the sword!”
LEGALISED PROVERBS
Where there’s a will there’s a law suit.
The successful lawyer is a man of actions.
Look before you leap into litigation.
The wise man keeps his own counsel, and the wise counsel keeps his own man.
Many a muddle makes a muckle for the lawyers.
No suit lasts longer than a suit in Chancery.
A conveyancer is never afraid of drafts.
A brief in the hand is worth two in a solicitor’s office.
’Tis better to have fought and lost than to have had no case at all.
Little plaintiffs have large fears.
The good solicitor is known by his good deeds.
Two heads, a leader and a junior, are better than one.
Law for Ladies.—Why ought every lady nowadays to learn the legal doctrine concerning “wrong to the person”?
Ans. They ought to learn it because it’s tort. (Ask any barrister!)
AT CONSCIENCE’ CALL
[“A Policeman’s Conscience.—Police-Superintendent Roberts, of Torquay, has won a splendid reputation for impartiality. He even punishes himself for breaches of the law. The other night while cycling home from Brixham his lamp went out, and yesterday he appeared before the magistrate, in response to a summons issued by himself against himself. He said a clergyman spoke to him on the subject, and this brought the offence to his notice. He was fined 5s.”—Daily Telegraph.]
Master Bob. “Please, ma, will you kindly chastise me? I’ve been at the jam again!”
Cabby (at police-station). “’Ere, I’ve just charged a fare sixpence too much, and I want a summons out aginst meself.”
Miss Candid. “Oh, Mr. De Tiring, I was at home yesterday when you called; but you are such an awful bore, you know, I was compelled to send you away.”
Learned Judge. “Before adjourning the court to-day, I wish to state that I have been guilty of betting, at a ‘place’ within the meaning of the Act. I therefore fine myself a sum of twenty pounds and costs, coupled with a severe reprimand.”
Of course, the “Automatic Conscience Clearer” for minor offences would soon be immensely popular. We beg to offer the above suggestion. N.B.—The inventor has been provisionally protected.
SONG OF THE SLIGHTED SUITOR
Oh, where, and oh where is my learned counsel gone?
He’s gone to the Queen’s Bench where a case is coming on,
And it’s oh, in my heart, that I wish my case his own.
What fee, and what fee did your learned counsel clutch?
Five guineas on his brief he did not think too much;—
And it’s oh! if he’s a barrister, I wish he’d act as such.
In what court, in what court is your learned counsel found?
I cannot catch him anywhere, of all he goes the round;—
And it’s oh! in my heart, that to one I wish him bound.
What excuse, what excuse can your learned counsel make?
None at all, none at all, but his head he’ll gravely shake,
And it’s oh! in my heart, that the fee he’s sure to take.
Conversation in Chancery Lane.—Dull Youth. I say, what’s a legal digest?
Bright Youth. Why, you fool, it forms part of the legal course—for instance, every barrister, after he has eaten his terms, has to go through his digest!
A Firm Conviction.—Transportation for life.
Bar Gold.—Fees to counsel.
It was rather too bad, you know, that Larkins serving poor Jones like this! And his first circuit, too!
LEGAL IMPROVEMENTS
In order to husband our judicial staff, in future a judge will be expected to hear two cases at the same time.
Portrait of a judge trying a theatrical cause célèbre, and a nice question as to a “remainder-man” and a “tenant in tail male.”
The Best Game for Junior Barristers to Play.—Follow my leader.
Waiting for an Answer.—What is the difference between eating your words and eating your terms.
“May it please your ludship, I ask that the witness be forced to produce the papers that were burnt!”
A Knowing Beggar.—A beggar posted himself at the door of the Chancery Court, and kept saying: “A penny please, sir! Only one penny, sir, before you go in!” “And why, my man?” inquired an old country gentleman. “Because, sir, the chances are, you will not have one when you come out,” was the beggar’s reply.
Michaelmas Term—Legal Examination
INTRODUCTORY QUESTIONS.
Q. Mention some of the principal law books which you have studied?—A.. Hoyle’s Laws of Whist, Cribbage, &c. The Rules of the Cricket Club; ditto of the Jockey Club.
Q. Have you attended any, and what, law lectures?—A. I have attended to many legal lectures, when I have been admonished by police magistrates for kicking up rows in the streets, pulling off knockers, &c.
COMMON LAW.
Q. What is a real action?—A. An action brought in earnest, and not by way of a joke.
Q. What are original writs?—A. Pothooks and hangers.
EQUITY AND CONVEYANCING.
Q. What are a bill and answer?—A. Ask my tailor.
Q. How would you file a bill?—A. I don’t know, but would lay a case before a blacksmith.
Q. What steps would you take to dissolve an injunction? A. I should put it into some very hot water, and let it remain there until it was melted.
Q. What are post-nuptial articles?—A. Children.
CRIMINAL LAW AND BANKRUPTCY.
Q. What is simple larceny?—A. Picking a pocket of a handkerchief, and leaving a purse of money behind.
Q. What is grand larceny.—A. The income-tax.
Odd-handed Justice.—First Ruffian. “Wot was I hup for, and wot ’ave I got? Well, I floor’d a woman and took ’er watch, and I’ve got two years and a floggin’.”
Second Ruffian. “Ha!—I flung a woman out o’ the top floor winder; an’ I’ve on’y got three months!”
First Ruffian. “Ah, but then she was yer wife!!”
BY A LAW STUDENT IN CHAMBERS
The days are gone when I used to seek
Refreshment and fun in the Henley Week,
But now all that is a thing of the past,
The pace at the time was too good to last.
Farewell to the straws and the flannel shirts,
Farewell to the house-boats, launches, and flirts,
Farewell to champagne cups and cigarettes,
To the gloves and the sweet things lost in bets;
In chambers, alas! I sit and groan,
Slaving, and writing, and waiting alone.
On parchment and paper with pen and ink
I draw the draughts that I cannot drink.
I’ll see if my chief is here … I’ll try.…
He’s off! To Henley?… hem!—So am I!!
A Testamentary Disposition.—Pater. “Now, my boy, I’ve been making my will, and I’ve left a very large property in trust for you. I merely wish to ask you if you’ve any suggestion to offer?”
Son. “Well, I don’t know that I have, sir—unless—hum”—(ponders)—“Quesh’n is—as things go nowadays, wouldn’t it be better to leave the property to the other f’llar, and—ah—’ppoint me the trustee?!!”
THE MODERN CLUTCHES OF THE LAW
(Fragment from a Criminal Romance)
The burglar had so far been successful. He had broken open the safe and transferred its contents to his pocket without disturbing the household. He had come down the creaking stairs with less than the customary noise. He was in sight of the street door, which, once opened, passed, and closed, would lead to freedom.
It was a pleasant prospect.
“It will delight my wife and little ones,” he murmured. “With the proceeds of this night’s work I shall be able to take them a trip to the Continent.”
Then he walked forward and opened the street door. In a moment he was seized by mechanical hands, and found himself manacled.
“Confound it!” he cried; “I had forgotten that recently patented novelty—the automatic policeman!”
MANNERS OF THE BAR
A sketch in the law courts, showing the patient and respectful attention of the counsel for the plaintiff during the speech of counsel for defendant.
Her “Court” Dress.—Fair Defendant in Cause Célèbre (reading report of yesterday’s proceedings). “The idiots! There’s no trusting one’s reputation with these newspapers. They describe my heliotrope poplin as puce alpaca with a muslin frill!”
DIVORCE MADE EASY
Dear Mr. Punch,
A writer in the St. James’s Gazette, dealing with the subject of the Divorce Laws, calmly proposes that in any revision of the code, which he strongly advocates, “women should be placed on the same footing with men.” Such a pestilent heresy of course provoked correspondence, and, as I have made a careful study of the subject, I beg to submit to you, sir, a few reasonable grounds for divorce, which this reformer will, I hope, include in his precious revised code.
A man should be allowed to obtain a divorce from his wife on all or any of the following grounds:—
1. If he sees anyone he likes better than his wife.
2. If his mother-in-law comes too often.
3. If his wife’s brother borrows money of him.
4. If she objects to his going to Paris without her.
5. If, knowing that he prefers the tops of the muffins at breakfast, she eats any of them.
6. If she hears him come in at four in the morning, when he has considerately taken off his boots to do so quietly.
7. If she refers to it.
8. If she ever says, “My dear, I think we’ve heard that story before.”
9. If she does not laugh consumedly whenever he tells a comic story.
10. If she objects to smoking.
11. If she is not civil to all his male friends.
12. And female ones.
There, sir, you have a dozen suggestions which I would commend to the attention of this law-reformer. You will observe I have not included any trivial reasons for divorce, and the procedure, as the St. James’s Gazette says, “should be as expeditious and inexpensive as possible.”
Yours faithfully,
A Tender Husband.
Turtle-Dove Terrace.
“Live and Learn.”—Magistrate. “Do you know the nature of an oath, my boy?”
Witness (promptly): “Yess, sir. Must take it, sir—’relse I can’t be ’memb’r o’ Parl’ment, sir!”
THE COUNSEL’S TEAR
If Faraday’s or Liebig’s art
Could crystallise this legal treasure,
Long might a pleader, near his heart,
The jewel wear with chuckling pleasure.
The native brilliant, ere it fell,
A squeeze produced in Walker’s eye,
Which, winking, dropped the liquid “sell,”
The spring of plausibility.
Nice drop of rich and racy light,
In thee the rays of humour shine;
Almost as queer, all but as bright,
As any gem or joke of mine.
Thou fine effusion of the soul!
That never fail’st to gain relief,
Which barristers can ne’er control,
When thou art like to help their brief.
The farce-wright’s and the jester’s theme
In many a joke, on many a stage,
Thou moisten’st Chitty’s arid theme,
And Blackstone’s dry and dreary page.
That very lawyer, who a tear
Can shed, as from the bosom’s source,
With feeling equally sincere,
Could weep on t’other side—of course.
QUITE UNNECESSARY QUESTION
Newly-appointed Magistrate. “Any previous convictions against the prisoner?”
What our Articled Clerk said.—The chief lawyer of Turkey can never be a weak man, since every new law there is established by a firman.
[We have transferred our A. C. to a provincial firm.
“Pendente Lite.”—A chandelier.
The Greatest of the “Great Unpaid.”—The National Debt.
Advice to Crown Lawyers.—Employ a hydropathic doctor, if you want to pack a jury.
Heirs-at-Law.—Barristers’ wigs.
Proper Decoration for a “Blocked” Law Court.—Bar-relief.
Sunday Observances.—See the Monday charges at the police courts.
“A Bolt from the Blue.”—Running away from a policeman.
Proof of the Integrity of the Law.—The return of the Lent Assizes.
MARTIAL ARDOUR
Little Spadgett never can resist his military instincts under these circumstances.
Lovesuit and Lawsuit.—Promise of marriage is like precious china—a man has so much to pay for its breakage.
Police!—What tune would a person whistle who had been stealing milk? “Robin Adair,” eh? (Robin’ a dairy!!!)
The Force of Contradiction can no further go.—To make a will is the wont of every prudent man.
Definition of the Bar (by an unlucky suitor).—Silk, stuff, and nonsense.
LITIGATION
Litigation—
To the lawyers brings elation,
To the clients consternation,
To the counsel animation,
To the “devil” reputation,
To the usher agitation,
To the jury aggravation,
To the witness indignation,
To the judge consideration,
To reporters expectation,
To the loser lamentation,
To the winner exultation,
To the public information.
Professional Caution.—Mr. Bluebag (out for a day’s shooting with his articled clerk). “Stop a minute—don’t fire!—let’s see if that bird’s in the schedule!!”
Legal Intelligence.—A smart young articled clerk, hearing it stated by a lecturer that “man is merely a machine,” remarked, “Then I suppose an attorney may be said to be a suing machine.”
A Case to which a Barrister objects.—A fee-nominal one.
“A Bar Mess.”—Recent difficulties about latitude of counsel in cross-examination.
The real Nine Points of the Law.—Costs.
Open to Conviction.—A prisoner at the bar.
Definition of “Stuff and Nonsense.”—A junior urging a ridiculous plea.
The Wheel of Misfortune.—The treadmill.
“Contempt of Court.”—Neglecting to attend a Levée.
A Safe Precaution.—No boating party should be without a lawyer. In case of accident, he is the man for ba(i)ling out the water.
Hilary Term commences January 11.
Playing at Draughts.—The ventilation of our Law Courts.
The most lasting Stuff for a Silk Gown.—A Chancery suit.
A Bar’s Rest.—The Long Vacation.
The only Profession where there isn’t “The ‘Devil’ to Pay.”—The legal.
Faculty of Advocates.—Speech.
A Legal Conveyance.—The police van.
WANTED IN THE LAW COURTS
A junior who will wear his gown straight, and not pretend that intense preoccupation over dummy briefs prevents him from knowing that it is off one shoulder.
A judge who can resist the temptation to utter feeble witticisms, and to fall asleep.
A witness who answers questions, and incidentally tells the truth.
A jury who do not look extremely silly, and ridiculously self-conscious, when directly addressed or appealed to by counsel; or one that really understands that the judge’s politeness is only another and subtle form of self-glorification.
A K.C. who is not “eminent,” who does not behave “nobly,” and who can avoid the formula “I suggest to you,” in cross-examination; or one that does not thunder from a lofty and inaccessible moral altitude so soon as a nervous witness blunders or contradicts himself.
An usher who does not try to induce the general public, especially the female portion thereof, to mistake him for the Lord Chancellor.
A solicitor who does not strive to appear coram populo on terms of quite unnecessarily familiar intercourse with his leading counsel.
An articled clerk who does not dress beyond his thirty shillings a-week, and think that the whole court is lost in speculation as to the identity of that distinguished-looking young man.
An associate who does not go into ecstasies of merriment over every joke or obiter dictum from the Bench.
Anybody who does not give loud expression to the opinion, at the nearest bar when the court rises, that he could have managed the case for either or both sides infinitely better than the counsel engaged.
A court-house whose atmosphere is pleasant and invigorating after the court has sat for fifteen minutes.
(Anyone concerned who, on reading these remarks in print, will think that the cap can, by any scintilla of possibility, fit himself.)
Wretched-looking Messenger. “Beg pardon, Mr. Brown, it’s come at larst! I’m entirely dependent on myself. My wife’s been and got a separation order!”
In order to deaden the sense of smell, second-hand clothes-pegs will be used by the bench and the bar.
Lords Justices Bowen and Fry prepared to break the windows of the court, and relieve the asphyxiated bar.
OLD LAW COURT MEMORIES
HUMAN NATURE REBELS
Poor Mr. Wiggles has just been described by a facetious witness of the lower orders as “that there h’old bloke wiv a choker, an’ a cauliflower on ’is ’ed”!!!
WHAT A BARRISTER MAY DO; AND WHAT HE MAY NOT DO
There seems to be at present a very considerable difference of opinion among the gentlemen of the Bar as to what may or may not be done by a barrister. We had some idea of publishing a small hand-book of etiquette for the exclusive use of the gentlemen of the long robe; but as what is etiquette to-day may not be etiquette to-morrow, we feared the work would not possess the permanent utility which alone would recompense us for the labour of writing it. We have, however, drawn up a few general rules founded on our own observation as to what a barrister may do, and what he may not do, consistently with his professional dignity:—
1st. A barrister may be employed in inducing Members of Parliament to vote in favour of railway bills; but he may not report for a newspaper.
2nd. A barrister may practise the “artful dodge” for the purpose of defeating the ends of justice; but he must not enter an assize town in an omnibus.
3rd. A barrister may tout for a small judgeship; but he will be very properly disbarred if he advertises his readiness to plead the cause of clients.
4th. A barrister may libel a rival candidate for an office in a “private and confidential” circular; but he must not degrade himself by asking an attorney to dine with him on the circuit.
5th. A barrister may take a fee when he knows he cannot attend to the cause; but he may not return the money, for his doing so would be very unprofessional.
6th, and lastly. A barrister may be a very honourable man; but many things which professional etiquette allows him to do, would be thought disgraceful and dishonest among ordinary people.
A Delicate Distinction.—Cross-examining Counsel (to fair witness). And is your name Aurelia Jessamine Jones?
Fair Witness (after a pause). No, sir; but it ought to have been, only my god-parents were so ill-chosen.
MORTMAIN
Important Suitors in Chancery.—Having occasion the other day to visit the Chancery Offices, we discovered an announcement which we are surprised has not been more generally noticed, and we take no little credit to ourselves for being the first to give extended publicity to the important public directions to the unhappy suitors, who may have been wandering in the Court so many years. The information is contained in the following short announcement—“The Way Out”—which we can assure our readers we have copied from an official notice stuck up in that Court.
An Immediate Landlord.—One who will not wait for his rent.
MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF YE ENGLISH IN 1849
Westminster Hall. Showynge ye ceremonye of openynge terme.
Legal Nomenclature.—Occasionally we hear of “running down cases” being tried. The unlearned in the law naturally inquire if these are actions for slander.
Prison Thought.—“When’s a Christian,” said a poacher in gaol to himself, “sarved the same as a hare?—When he’s jugged like I be.”
MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF YE ENGLISH IN 1849
Hyghest court of law in ye kyngdom. Ye Lords hearyng appeals.
An Under Tenant.—One who occupies a cellar.
Happy Release.—Paying off a mortgage.
In Two Words.—Our police system and the housebreaker’s system—Bunglery and burglary.
“Letters of Request.”—Begging epistles.
MANNERS AND CUSTOMS OF YE ENGLISH IN 1849
Appearance of ye crymynyal covrte dvryng an “interestyng” tryal for mvrder.
Outside the County Court.—Jenkins (to Jorkins, a debtor). What, only five bob a month! How did you manage it?
Jorkins. Why, always addressed the judge as “My Lord,” of course.
Pope asks: “Is there no bright reversion in the sky?” This is, clearly, a question which only a lawyer can answer.
GROSS INJUSTICE
We beg to solicit the attention of our innumerable readers to the state of the law respecting cruelty to animals.
SONGS OF THE CIRCUIT
From Circuit to Circuit, although we may roam,
Be it ever so briefless, there’s none like the Home;
A fee from the skies p’rhaps may follow us there,
Which, seek through the courts, is ne’er met with elsewhere.
Home, Home, sweet sweet Home,
There’s none of the Circuits can equal the Home.
When out on the Home, lodgings tempt you in vain,
The railroad brings you back to your chambers again:
On the Home the expenses for posting are small;
Give me that—’tis the Circuit, the cheapest of all.
Home, Home, sweet sweet Home,
There’s none of the Circuits can equal the Home.
Legal Pugilism.—The Chancery Bar has been lately occupied with a question relating to a patent for pins’ heads. The costs are estimated at £5,000. The lawyers are the best boxers, after all. Only let them get a head in chancery, even a pin’s, and see how they make the proprietor bleed.
“Let us speak of a man as we find him.”
THE JOLLY YOUNG BARRISTER
And did you not hear of a jolly young barrister,
At the Old Bailey who used for to ply?
He made out his case with such skill and dexterity,
Twisting each fact, while he glozed o’er each lie.
He stuck at nothing; and that so steadily,
The felons all sought his aid so readily,
And he saved from conviction so many a thief,
That this barrister ne’er was in want of a brief.
What sights of fine rogues he got off by his blarney;
His tongue was so glib, and so specious withal,
He was always retained by the great City forgers
To Newgate from Mansion House sent, or Guildhall.
And often the Press would be gibing and jeering,
But ’twas all one to him, its carping and sneering;
He’d swear black was white in behalf of a thief,
So this barrister ne’er was in want of a brief.
And yet, only think what strange morals have lawyers,
The bar of such conduct think nothing at all;
Whilst should any poor counsel report for a paper,
“To Coventry with him!” that instant they call;
From their mess they’ll expel him, he’ll find, to his sorrow;
But they’ll dine with the housebreaker’s hireling to-morrow!
Then hurrah!—though his client be swindler or thief,—
For the barrister never in want of a brief.
Song for Detectives.—“Let us speak of a man when we find him.”
“Linked Sweetness long Drawn out.”—Country Lass (to policeman who takes them over the road at Oxford Street Circus). “I’m so much obliged to you for taking the trouble——”
Gallant Constable. “Lor’ bless yer, miss, I wish the crossin’ was twice as long!”
THE LAY OF THE LITTLE BARRISTER
I’m a little barrister, taking little fees;
Raising knotty little points, and signing little pleas;
Making little motions in a little court;
Causing by my speeches not a little sport.
I’m a little barrister, in my little wig,
Feeling rather little, when looking very big;
No one knows my modesty—but my little self,
For I feel I’m little more than on a little shelf.
I’m a little barrister, in my little gown,
Getting now, I must avow, not a little brown:
As I’m called a junior you would little guess,
I’m fifty and a little more—rather than little less,
I’m a little barrister, in my little home,
Up to which at Camden Town I from chambers roam;
With my little children climbing up my knee,
As with a mutton chop I make a dinner of my tea.
Though annoyed with little notes demanding little bills,
I do my little utmost to conquer little ills;
But often to my countenance there comes a little smile,
As I think that all our troubles last a very little while.
Legal Query.—Is there any precedent for a good practical farmer being styled one of the judges of the land?
Depreciative.—Defendant (on bail). “’Im my counsellor! Then blowed if I don’t conduct my own case in pusson!”
LIFTS TO LAZY LAWYERS
Q. What are first fruits?
A. Rhubarb and little green gooseberries.
Q. When is it necessary to commence a fresh suit?
A. When the other has become too ventilating or seedy.
Q. What is a release?
A. To exchange the society of your ugly aunt for that of your pretty cousin.
Q. What is a clerical error?
A. Preaching a three hours’ sermon.
Q. What is a settlement of a conveyance?
A. When an omnibus smashes a cab.
Q. What is the master’s general report?
A. That wages are too high.
Q. Is “What’s that to you,” deemed a sufficient answer?
A. It may be, or may not; but it is likely to be excepted to for impertinence.
Q. Describe the meaning of the term Nunc pro Tunc.
A. It is the general exclamation you make when you are run against by a clumsy person. It generally has the word “stupid” added—ex. gr., “Now then, stupid!”
Q. Give an instance of a “similiter”?
A. You’re another!
Q. What is the meaning of “putting yourself upon the country?”
A. Going to the workhouse.
Q. Where is the Great Seal kept?
A. In the Arctic Ocean. A small specimen may be seen at the Zoological Gardens.
Q. What are “breaches of trust”?
A. Trousers procured on tick.
Offender (in the course of lengthy explanation). “So I ses to the inspector as I were, as you might say, ill, ’an demanded to be examined by Doctor Jones, an’ the inspector ’e ses as ’ow I must see Doctor Smith, the police doctor. ‘No,’ I ses, ‘you may run me in,’ I ses, ‘but you ain’t goin’ to make me change my medical adviser!’”
Happy Thought.—Nervous Rider. “Look here, policeman! I give this horse in charge!”
[Puts rein in policeman’s hand, and bolts.
LINES WRITTEN IN A LAWYER’S OFFICE
ON THE APPROACH OF SPRING
Whereas, on certain boughs and sprays
Now divers birds are heard to sing,
And sundry flowers their heads upraise;
Hail to the coming on of Spring!
The songs of those said birds arouse
The memory of our youthful hours,
As green as those said sprays and boughs,
As fresh and sweet as those said flowers.
The birds aforesaid—happy pairs—
Love, ’mid the aforesaid boughs, enshrines
In freehold nests: themselves, their heirs,
Administrators and assigns.
Oh, busiest term of Cupid’s Court,
Where tender plaintiffs actions bring—
Season of frolic and of sport,
Hail, as aforesaid, coming Spring!
Life, we are told, is a trial, but the worst of it is there is no Court of Appeal we can go to in the event of our not being satisfied with the result of it. For myself, I should like uncommonly to move for a new trial.
Briefless Barrister.
Wit at a Disadvantage.—“Well, Jackson, you are always here for being drunk, so I shall fine you five shillings.”
“Not got a penny, your worshup.”
“Not a penny, sir!”
“I got only coppers,—‘hot coppers,’ your worshup.”
[He was most promptly and most properly locked up.
The Rule of the Road.—Query (from a correspondent).—When a street runs into another street, what is the remedy at law?
The Answer.—Consult a solicitor.
Conscientious Lawyer’s Advice.—Do right; don’t write.
A Juryman of a Size.—A Welsh publican who weighs thirty stone has lately been informed that his bulk will not invalidate him from sitting on juries. “Squashing the verdict” is likely to become a popular feature of the Welsh Assizes.
Motto for the Opponents of Capital Punishment. No noose is good news!
Called to the “Ba.”—The shepherd’s dog.
The Ends of Justice.—A cat-o’-nine-tails.
More judges required. We don’t want to hear so much of Chancery Division as of Chancery multiplication.
Shows his Breeding.—Equestrian (to policeman on the look-out for a stolen horse). “‘How did I come by ’im?’ Why, bred ’im myself, to be sure—down at a little place o’ my own.”
EXPLANATION OF ÆSOP’S FABLES FOR DULL STUDENTS
I. The Fox who lost his Tail in the Gin.
The Fox stood seized of an estate in trap, and by a device duly executed he left his hairs a remainder in tail.
II. The Fox and Crow.
In this case the Crow was evidently seized of a piece of cheese, with contingent remainder to the Fox, in case she opened her mouth, which, on her doing so, instantly descended to the Fox, who became seized of it.
Prevention of Burglary.—Prospect of a dog and certainty of “the cat.”
NO JOKE FOR JURYMEN
Lock the jury up together,
Lock them up the live-long night,
Even in the closest weather!
Is it rational? is it right?
What pretence can lawyers put up
For a rusty rule, but fudge?
Why, a jury when you shut up,
Not as well shut up the judge?
Her First Visit to a Police-court.—Old Lady. “What a villainous-looking man the prisoner is!”
Friend. “Hush! That’s not the prisoner. That’s the magistrate!”
THOSE SILENT BOOTS
Burglar’s Ballad. Air—“Those Evening Bells.”
Those silent boots! Those silent boots!
When out upon our gay galoots,
’Twill give us coves the bloomin’ jumps,
If we carn’t hear the copper’s clumps!
’Ave bobby’s bluchers passed away?
That there will bust the burglar’s lay!
Wot, silent “slops”—like evening swells?
It’s wus than them electric bells!
No, no! I ’opes, till I am gone,
The bobby’s boots will still clump on.
Their warnin’ sound our bizness soots,
But bust the thought o’ silent boots!
“The Windy Side of the Law.”—Which side is this? Go into a solicitor’s office: you’ll soon be able to answer the question when you get near a draught.
The only Company not Limited by Act of Parliament.—Bad company.
Note by our own Irrepressible One.—A solicitor who is struck off the rolls has generally been eating someone else’s bread.
THE TERRORS OF THE LAW
The New Act again. Different Points of View.—Magistrate. “You are charged with having been drunk when in charge of a child under the age of seven years.”
Prisoner. “Please, your worship, she was a-takin’ me ’ome.”
WHAT IT MAY COME TO!
Scene—The Central Criminal Court. The usual company assembled, and the place wearing its customary aspect. “Standing room only” everywhere, except in the jury box, which is empty. Prisoner at the bar.
Judge. This is most annoying! Owing to the refusal of the jury to serve, the time of the Bar, the Bench, and I may even add, the prisoner, is wasted! I really don’t know what to do! Mr. Twentybob, I think you appear for the accused?
Counsel for the Defence. Yes, my Lord.
Judge (with some hesitation). Well, I do not for a moment presume to dictate to you, but it certainly would get us out of a serious difficulty if your client pleaded guilty. I suppose you have carefully considered his case, and think it advisable that he should not withdraw his plea?
Counsel for the Defence. No, my lord, I certainly cannot advise him to throw up his defence. It is a serious—a deeply serious—matter for him. I do not anticipate any difficulty in establishing his innocence before an intelligent jury.
Judge. But we can’t get a jury—intelligent or otherwise.
Counsel for the Defence. If no evidence is offered, my client should be discharged.
Counsel for the Prosecution. I beg pardon, but I must set my friend right. Evidence is offered in support of the charge, my lord.
Judge. Yes; but there is no properly constituted body to receive and decide upon its credibility. I am glad that the grand jury (to whom I had the privilege of addressing a few observations upon our unfortunate position) have ignored a larger number of bills than usual; still, the present case is before the court, and I must dispose of it. Can you assist us in any way, Mr. Perplebagge?
Counsel for the Prosecution (smiling). I am afraid not, my lord.
Judge. Well, I suppose I have no alternative but to order the prisoner to be taken back to——
Prisoner. To the place I was in last night? No thankee!—not me! Look here, gemmen all, we knows one another, don’t we? Well, just to oblige you—as Dartmoor ain’t ’arf bad in the summer, and as in course I did do it—I plead guilty!
Judge (with a sigh of relief). Prisoner at the bar; we are infinitely beholden to you!
[Passes regulation sentence with grateful courtesy.
The Ruling Passion.—Prison Chaplain (charged to report on convict’s religious knowledge). “Do you know the Commandments?”
Prisoner. “Yes, Sir.”
Prison Chaplain. “Say the eighth.”
Prisoner (promptly). “Thou shalt do no manner of work; thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter.” &c.
Habes Confitentem Reum.—Suitors write to the papers to complain of the “block in Chancery.” Who but a block (we must ask) would be in Chancery?
The Thief’s Motto.—“Take things quietly.”
Spring Assizes.—Trying weather.
Query.—Would an ideal barrister be a counsel of perfection?
A Proverb Revised.—Too many cooks spoil the—police.
Saying of Solicitors.—November is at best a pettifogger.
An Equity Draftsman.—A lawyer who sketches.
Improved costume for the Metropolitan Police during the great heat of 1893.
PROFESSIONAL LOVE SONG
THE LAWYER.
Spinster of the Saxon beauty,
At the Grainthorpe Manor mill,
Of this heart you’ve had possession
Since I made my uncle’s will:
Yours the image all engrossing
When I try to read reports,
You, my Amy, am I drawing,
Even in the Chancery Courts.
Ah! that brow as smooth as—vellum—
Ah! those lips vermilion red—
Kisses wherewith I have sealed them
No one ever witnessèd:
I would sue the man who ventured
To deny you dressed with taste,
I would tax his costs who hinted
An “impeachment” of your waist.
Soon the long vacation’s coming,
Soon the weary term will end;
No more writs and affidavits,
No more actions to defend:
I shall take the first conveyance—
Train at five p.m.—express—
I shall count the sluggish moments—
Forty minutes, more or less.
Meet me, cousin, at the station
With the trap that’s duty free,
It can take my rods and gun-case,
We will walk, prochein Amy,
Past the glebe and old inclosure,
Past the deeply mortgaged inn,
On to where the freeholds finish
And the copyholds begin.
There I’ll make my declaration,