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MAN AND WIVES.

A TRAVESTY.

By MOSE SKINNER,

CHAPTER SIXTH.

ANN'S RECEPTION.

The next morning, as ANN was eating breakfast, who shoulddrive up in acovered wagon but the Hon. MICHAEL.

"Just as I expected," said she. "They've found out where I am,andthey'll come out here and try to pump me about it. But I don't envy 'emtheir job. Come in," she added, in answer to the Hon. MICHAEL'Ssomewhattimid knock.

"How'd'do, ANN," said he. "Sister-in-law said you was here,and Ithought I'd come over and see you. Besides," he continued, in evidentembarrassment, "there's one or two things I thought you'd like to know."

"Well?" said she, as he paused. "Out with it, old fellow.Don't bebashful."

"Oh! I ain't," he replied, rubbing his knees nervously. "Well,in thefust place, the old lady is awfully down on you, says you've disgracedthe family, and she disowns you, and all that sort of humbug, but Ishether up by telling her that whatever she said agin you, she saidagin me." He looked at ANN admiringly, and, taking from hispocket a largepackage of red and white candy, handed it to her. Then he turned veryred in the face, looked hard at the ceiling, and repeated Mrs. LADLE'Smessage all over again.

"First thing, told," said he.

It was plain to ANN that he had really come with the intentionof makinglove to her, but was anxious to find how the land lay first. But shedidn't give him any encouragement. Under existing circumstances, shedidn't think 'twould be right.

"Well," said she, "anything else?"

"Oh yes, I believe so,—ah—BELINDA sends love, and is jestabout crazyto see you, and hear all about it. Shouldn't wonder a bit if she wasover here afore the day's over."

He moved his chair nearer hers, glanced at her furtively, andsigheddeeply.

"Second thing, told," said he.

"Well, I'm much obliged to you. Items of gossip are victualsand drinkto our sex, you know. Don't be in a hurry," she continued, seeing thathe showed no signs of going. "Looking for your hat? Yes, here it is.Letme put it on for you," she added in her gentle, winning way. "Good-by.To think," she added, looking after him, "that the old pill should getspoony on me!"

Sure enough, in the afternoon up drove BELINDA.

"Awful glad to see you, ANN dear," said she, kissing her. "I'mdying toknow all about it. As soon as I found out where you were, I rushed outand hitched up the old mare myself. But I knew she'd never go so farfrom home without an object in view to urge her. So I fastened a bag ofoats in front of her head. Didn't she just streak it? The idea of herchasing them oats five miles before she caught 'em! She's out there noweating 'em, propped up by a couple of fence-rails. But tell me, quick,are you really married, as you said you'd be in that letter you left onmy wash-stand?"

"Yes, I am," replied ANN.

"Where's your husband? Who is he? Do tell me all about it.Does he looklike anybody I know?"

"Well, I should say he did." answered ANN, grinning. "You seeit's asort of a joke, BELINDA. You wouldn't see the point now, half as wellasyou will after you're married to ARCHIBALD. Then I'll tell you. Oh,it'stoo rich!" And she laughed immoderately.

"Oh, I can't wait. Tell me now. If you will, I'll give you mynew piqué and that bracelet. Come, why can't you?"

"Because I don't choose to," replied ANN coolly.

"Seems to me you're mighty short about it anyhow. Putting onairs, ain'tyou, because you got married before I did?"

"Well, you needn't think nobody can get a fellow but you.Pooh, I couldcut you out, any time."

"Oh, you could, could you?" returned BELINDA in highdisdain. "Perhapsyou'd better try it on, with them freckles and that mole. I don't thinkyour husband, whoever he is, can brag much of his taste in the femaleline. I'm sure I don't want to see him, so you can keep himlocked up,you jealous thing. It's some old rowdy, I s'pose, that nobody elsewouldlook at. I hate you, and always did. Don't never come near me. There!"And she left in high dudgeon.

As she drove off, ANN stood by the window watching her. Shesoliloquized, "So you think, Miss BELINDA, do you, 'that I'd better tryit on, with them freckles and that mole!' I think I have triedit on,and pretty effectually too. Just wait till you're married to BLINKSOP,that's all."

By dark she began to look impatiently for TEDDY, for she feltsure he'dfind JEFFRY somewhere. It was nine o'clock, however, before he made hisappearance.

"Did you find him?" she inquired eagerly.

"I did, mum, sure, and a hard pull I had of it. I beat thewhole townthrough, and at last I found him a rollin' bowly alleys, and I giv himyour letther. Sich dreadful swears as he giv, mum, a walkin' up anddownan' a crushing his fingers like, and a bitin' his teeth together, andthen he stops in front of me, and says in an awful theatur voice, 'Tellher,' says he, 'that I'll come,' and he giv me a kick, mum, as boostedme clear to the sidewalk, and I see plainly as he had more remarks ofthat same kind to deliver, and I edged off at about five miles an hour.Goodnight to ye, mum."

ANN slept calmly and sweetly that night, for the one cherishedidea ofher innocent girlhood was about to be consummated, and she smiled inhersleep and thought she saw her mother.

JEFFRY MAULBOY kept his word. He was there at noon of the nextday. Andthe minister that was to marry them, and the lawyer that was to divorcethem, were there also.

At one o'clock they were man and wife, sworn to love, honor,and obeyeach other till death did them part. At a quarter of two o'clock theywere man and woman, sworn to love, honor, and obey anybody they wantedto, for a divorce did them part. And they went their separate ways.

CHAPTER SEVENTH.

WHERE IS ANN?

BELINDA returned from the Half-Way House, firmly determined tofind outall about that affair of ANN'S. Any woman would naturally feel curiousabout it, and BELINDA really cannot be blamed for showing a littlefeeling. "To think." said she, "after all my bragging that I'd bemarried first, and the times I've twitted her of being too homely togeta beau, that she should step out and get married right under my verynose, and I not know anything about it, or even who she's married. Oh,it's too much. But I'll find out, if I die for it, and if there isanything about it that ain't straight, won't I crow over her?"

The Hon. MICHAEL was also very anxious to find out about it.With theaffectionate ardor of a grass widower of fifty-five, in a State wheredivorces sprout like mushrooms, he was loath to believe that ANN wasutterly lost to him. No, he would find her, he would follow her ifnecessary to the world's end, living only in this hope, and when atlastthe goal was reached, and her adored form greeted his vision, he wouldpour out his wealth of love, bending his ear to catch the sweetresponse, and then, and only then, would everything be lovely.

And so it comes that he and BELINDA, each with a differentmotive, takecounsel together in reference to the same end.

BELINDA'S first step was to send ARCHIBALD to the Half-WayHouse, for afull description of the man that called there for ANN.

"Be smart for once in your life," said she, "and find out something."

Then she and the Hon. MICHAEL started off to find out whatdirection ANNtook after leaving the Half-Way House. They interviewed everycarriage-driver, depot-master, and hotel-keeper for miles around, butwithout the slightest success. They finally came across a farmer,however, who said be drove a woman to the station below. To their eagerinquiries as to her appearance, he could say nothing further, than hethought she wore a dress, and was quite sure, though not certain, thatshe had on either a shawl, or some other outside garment. He rememberedher distinctly, because the half-dollar she gave him turned out to becounterfeit, and he got rid of it by giving it to a blind beggar; afterwhich, he said, he sneaked round the corner, and laughed till he wasredin the face, to think how slick that beggar was fooled.

This might be ANN, they thought, but to make sure, theytelegraphed tosix different stations, promising a small reward in case their pursuitwas successful. In due time the answers came, all very much alike, andto the effect that a woman, answering their description, was seen totake such and such a train, and that the reward would reach them at thefollowing address, etc.; at which they went home rather discouraged, tosee what ARCHIBALD had accomplished.

He said he went to the Half-way House, and questioned Mrs.BACKUP andTEDDY for four hours, without finding out the first thing. "You're anumskull," said BELINDA. "If I hadn't got any more brains than youhave,I'd swap myself off for a dog, and then kill the dog."

"I don't believe the folks there would tell, anyhow," said theHon.MICHAEL; "she's probably hired 'em to keep mum."

Now the fact was, ARCHIBALD hadn't been near the Half-wayHouse at all.There wasn't money enough in the State to hire him to do so, after thefearful ordeal he had there passed through. So he hid in the woods allday, and rehearsed this terrible falsehood, making himself miserable byrepeating those extracts from the catechism which refer to the futureabode of liars.

Though thus foiled in their active investigations, they stillheld longconsultations on the absorbing topic, and in which, to ARCHIBALD'Shorror, he is often obliged to participate. He has had it on histongue's end forty times to tell BELINDA all about his forced marriagewith ANN at the Half-way House. He has even dreamed, on two separatenights, that he has done so, but he woke up both times in a cold,clammysort of ooze, and it has naturally shaken his confidence, and so thewords stick in his throat. And he remembers ANN'S horrible threat ofcoming for him when she wants him, and he makes it a point of doing allhis out-door business before dark, and the bare mention of her namewillmake him start and glare wildly about him. And still BELINDA courts himmore persistently than ever, and it is a scene calculated to touch themost rugged nature to watch them together, she smoothing his hair, andcalling him her "Tootsy-pootsy," or reading poetry to him, stoppingbetween each verse to cast languishing glances at him, and he bearingitall with that haggard, imbecile look peculiar to an over-courted man.And as their wedding-day approaches is it any wonder that poorARCHIBALDlooks forward to it as a condemned criminal to the scaffold, andwatchesday by day the setting of the sun with the same air of grim despair.Once he tried to run away, but BELINDA, in ambush, flanked him and ledhim home. Then she sent for his trunk, and made him board there. And sohe is floating along in a hopeless sort of daze, a wretched victim ofdiabolical circumstances.

JEFFRY MAULBOY is visiting his brother JUDAS, at Terre Haute.He hassigned articles of agreement for the great Prize Fight with SANDYMCCORMICK, known for his prowess in the Ring as the "nasty masher." Thefight will take place some time during the winter, and JEFFRY will gointo training early in September. And the papers are full ofbiographical sketches of the two combatants, together with comments ontheir weight, general appearance, and a list of fights heretoforeparticipated in, with vague speculations as to the number of eyes,fragments of ears, &c., each one is supposed to possess, preservedinalcohol as trophies. And when JEFFRY appears in public the massesregardhim with respectful admiration, and gamins applaud. And when hegetshome he finds a brigade of those literary drummers, known as reporters,sitting on his doorsteps, from beneath whose classic foreheads thereglares a wild and hungry eye, to be pacified only by a satisfactoryinterview. The last exploit of the "Champion Nine" sinks intoinsignificance beside this great, this momentous event, and the man whowalked a hundred miles in twenty-four hours is nowhere. He realizes thecruel fact that Fame is fickle, and he makes one desperate effort tograsp it, by offering determinedly to walk around the world in ninetydays, stopping for his gruel only at Hong Kong.

(To be concluded.)

NUISANCE ABATED.

G.F.T.—the apostle of Highfalutin, the most egregious nuisanceofmodern times—has come to grief. We have the pleasure of announcing that(for the present at least) we are relieved from our very naturalanxietylest TRAIN should re-appear on the American tapis. It seemsthat he iseven more intolerable in France than he is in this country. He had onlygot as far as Lyons, in the course of his airy progress through the newRepublic, when the authorities concluded that about the most sensiblething they could do with their guest would be to lock him up. It givesus pleasure to write that they did so.

They don't know how great is the favor they have conferred onthe worldby this humane act. We shall ever remember the magistrates of Lyonswithfeelings of regard, for the judicious energy displayed by them in thismatter.

Ehau! France.

Unhappy France! Well may her children weep over themisfortunes that havebefallen her. But alas! TITTERS cannot cure them.

THE OYSTER-SUPPER CRITIC.

SPIFFKINS.

JULES FAVRE is said to possess fair administrative abilities,butGAMBETTA—

REDUCED TO EXTREMITIES.

IT IS WHISPERED BY JENKINS THAT A "PASSING BELLE" OF MADISONAVENUE HASRESORTED TO A NOVEL EUROPEAN FASHION BY EXHIBITING A CAST OF HER—WELL,"INFERIOR ANATOMY," AS A DRAWING-ROOM ORNAMENT.

OUR PORTFOLIO.

Harrowing effects of the uncertainty of war news—Shockingwaste ofliterary ammunition—A bill against the Provisional Government fordamages.

TOURS, TENTH WEEK OF THE REPUBLIC, 1870.

It was late in the afternoon when the intelligence arrived ofa decisivevictory for the army of General PALADINES, who had been manoeuvring fornearly a fortnight to draw the Germans into a sort of cul-de-sacformed by the extension of the French lines from Le Mans to Nogent andEtamps.

It came from such an authentic source, and had about it suchappearancesof probability, that I immediately retired to the silence of my chamberfor the purpose of preparing a graphic review of the French situation,areview in fact for which I had long sought some such opportunity. I hadmade considerable progress with my paper, and was about to enter uponthat branch of the subject devoted to discussing the bearings of such avictory upon the future prospects of France, when a tap at my door washeard, and the red head of my landlady's first-born appeared.

"Monsieur is wanted down stairs," said the boy, with analarmed look. Ihurried down and out into the street, only to be met by a messengerfromthe Hotel de Ville, with the information that later despatchescontradicted the victory. The shock to my feelings can only beappreciated by a writer who feels that he has consumed thirty or fortypages of foolscap in vain. I had been over two hours at that work. Ihadput all the brains I possessed in it. Many of the sentences so pleasedme that I had turned back with pardonable conceit to read them over andadmire them: but now, like a destroying angel, came the news that shookfrom beneath my beautiful superstructure its very foundations, and leftme nothing but the humiliation of so much time and labor lost.

I went back to my room, and cast myself on the bed in deepaffliction.If I had been a single man I believe I could have hanged myself withouta pang. Sheer mortification soon lulled me to sleep, however, and whenasecond banging at my door awakened me it was nightfall, and there weresounds of rapid movement and confusion outside. I put my head out ofthewindow and heard a voice below, shouting:

"The Germans are coming!"

"S'death!" said I to myself, "what am I going to do?" My laststitch ofclothing, save what I had on my back, was in the hands of the blanchisseuse,and PIERRE of the carrot "top" hadpossession of myonly pair of trousers for the purpose of cleaning them the followingmorning. It would not have been a pleasant paragraph for me to read inthe newspapers that a correspondent bearing my name had been captured inpuris naturalibus. It would never do for an American tobe taken sans culottes, and then have the story of his surprisereviewed byEnglish and Yankee critics.

I don't know what I might have done in my distress; but kindfortunefavored me, for the landlady, anticipating the probability of my beingdisturbed by the commotion, knocked at the door to say that it was afalse alarm, and that the Germans, though victorious, had halted ten ortwelve miles from the city. Promptly, therefore, I dashed into themidstof another review of the French situation, predicated upon the lateFrench defeat. It was what I might call a perfect "stinger." It usedFrance up completely. The grande nation wasn't left a peg tostand on;and as for King WILLIAM, I proved him to be a butcher of the mostsurpassing kind. In the short space of two hours I had coveredforty-three pages more of foolscap, and was about entering on myforty-fourth, when there came a banging at my door for the third time,and a despatch was handed me announcing that there had been nobattleat all!

From early childhood I had been taught that "whom the Lordloveth hechasteneth," and, although the present circumstances clearly left me noescape from the conviction that I must be an especial favorite ofHeaven, they could not prevent me from compensating my pent-up agony ofsoul by literally eating seven and a half pages of my last "review." Inever knew before what "living on literary diet" meant, but I am wisernow, and do not regret the "dread ordeal" by which I came to know all Ido know. Revenge occurred to me as the natural impulse of a man in sucha situation; but upon whom was I to be revenged? The government hadgiven currency to all these wild rumors; but it had too many heads forme to punch. The job was bigger than I cared to undertake. The thoughtoccurred to me that I might present a bill of damages. Their sense ofjustice would allow its fairness. I had been the dupe of falseintelligence, the victim of a series of frauds perpetrated to"regulate"the popular feeling. I did not debate the thought, but took myresolution immediately, and drew up the following.

LA NOTE.

Provisional Government of France.

To DICK TINTO, Correspondent, &c., Dr.

I could not conceal from myself that the bill for damages wasaltogethertoo small; but as France is poor, and the demands upon her exchequeraregreat, I determined to send it just as it was, and wait in patience forthe result. I did so, and have been waiting ever since. Therecollectionof what the Judge told JOHN BUNYAN when he sent him to jail keeps meup:"Patient waiting, JOHN," observed the philosophic magistrate, "is noloss." I try to fancy that I combine the patience of BUNYAN with thephilosophy of the Judge, and in that belief subscribe myself,Bill-iously yours,

DICK TINTO.

GETTING MARRIED WITHOUT A MASTER.

IN FOUR EASY LESSONS.

espond not, yebachelors—anybody can get married. It's aseasy asrolling off from the roof of a six-story house, and quite as beneficialto the system. I have known people who did this little business withoutintending to accomplish it, but they never crowed over it; and I haveknown others who have intentionally done it three or four times. Buteverybody cannot do this work as it should be done. It's all very wellfor you to have an elegant creature of your own, dressed in a whiterobeand a blue ribbon; but, if you did not win her in the proper manner,youfeel degraded every time you gaze on her. Style is everything in thisbusiness. For the benefit of the rising generation I have written thislittle treatise, which will elucidate all the mysteries of the marriagebusiness, and will make every man his own guide to wedded bliss.

CHAPTER I.

FINDING THE GAME.

The true sportsman in this field is very wary. He casts hisopticsaround him until he finds the bird for which he thinks he had bettergo.A vast amount of skill can properly be expended here. If the hunter isyoung and rich, he can go for almost anything; if he is verging towardsgray hair and false teeth, he must not demand too much in the way ofbeauty or money. If he has reached the well-preserved period, he canhave youth or beauty, but not wealth. No true sportsman ever goes forbrains, because it is almost impossible to find them, and, when found,they are very unsatisfactory.

If the bird is an orphan, examine the books in the Surrogate'sofficeuntil you find her father's will; if her papa is still alive andkicking, persuade her to take his bank-book into the back kitchen andthere count the shekels. Never let your heart get into the mess, forthat complicates matters.

If you have a hankering for widows, never run after one whohas been inthe business more than once. They become so knowing after two or threetrials. Besides, there is a fatality about some women—they're bound tobe widows. Furthermore, widows have a way of appearing to be loadeddownwith ducats, when, in reality, they are pawning the late defunct'sunmentionables for the means of existence.

Always select young game, if possible, as it is more likely tobe tenderthan that which has been condemned to the wall at numberless parties.Game with freckles, or pimples, or cross eyes, can never be first-class.

CHAPTER II.

AMMUNITION.

Too much care cannot be exercised in the selection of thisarticle. Youmust take care that it is adapted to the game. If the bird be anunbleached blonde, try first-class prayer-meetings, milddecoctions ofSunday-school exhibitions, parlor concerts, and readings. If it wearspectacles, some light, airy, and poetical reading matter, likeBUTLER'S Analogy, or the Tribune, is useful. If thebird bea brunette, trytheatres, balls, operas, etc.; suppers at DEL.'S have been known to doexecution among this class. Never try lectures to young women with thiskind of bird. The bleached blondes are difficult to handle. Ifyoususpect the bleaching, try a judicious mixture of both kinds ofammunition.

Some kinds of ammunition are adapted to all classes. Rings,especiallydiamonds, fans, bouquets, and jewels can be used in quantities onlylimited by the amount of your bank account, or of your employer's pettycash. I have seen a bracelet do the business at once, though, to besure, it was a very gorgeous one. Serenades may be used to advantage,but care must be taken in selecting the songs and the windows. To a blondeyou may very well sing, "Thy eyes so blue, ofviolet hue;" to a brunette, "Black-eyed Mary" or Susan; to ableached blonde,"I amdying, Egypt, dying." Never sing vulgar songs, which are used by hungrylovers of cooks, such as, "Wilt thou meat me to-night by the old gardengate," or, "Meat me by moonlight alone."

CHAPTER III.

BRINGING DOWN THE GAME.

Nowhere is more real skill required than here; If you do notmake a deadshot, you might better have saved your ammunition. Almost every woundedbird escapes. Always make sure of your aim, and, when you fire, bringdown the bird. The proper course to pursue is this: carefully use yourammunition, and, when you think things are favorable, and you get agoodsight, make your shot. You can always deliver it best on your knees. Becareful that there is no little sister or brother around when you go infor business, for snickering is catching, and the bird may fly beforeyou have delivered your shot.

Some shady nook is the proper place in which to do this partof thebusiness, unless the weather be cold; in that case I have known game tobe brought down by a sportsman in the hall, where the house was heatedby hot air. Parent birds sometimes interrupt the sportsman just as heimagines that he has a sure thing, which certainly is very aggravating.Game properly brought down drops upon your left shoulder, and youjudiciously apply your lips to its bill. After that a proper amount ofhugging is advantageous and nice, but be very careful not to keep theparent birds up too late.

CHAPTER IV.

BAGGING THE GAME.

This should always be done in the very best style. First-classchurches,and two or three parsons, can generally bag you and the bird properly.Notice of the bagging should always be given to your friends, and thebag should be large enough to hold not only the bird, but also anyfirst-class houses, greenbacks, or silver-ware which may be furnishedbythe friends of the bird. They say that BROWN, of Grace Church,understands all the details of this kind of bagging. The game should beelegantly dressed for the occasion, at the expense of the parent birds,of course. You must take care that the bag is so tied that the birdcannot escape, though they do say that, if you go to the neighborhoodofChicago, the bird will escape, even if the bag is fastened in the mostcareful manner. I advise you, therefore, not to emigrate in thatdirection.

By the aid of the foregoing lessons any man should be enabledto catch abird which, in the course of a month, he will wish he had left alone.

Military Interference.

The Republicans insist that General GRANT did not intend tointerferewith the last New York election. They had better "tell that to theMarines."

"The Absorption of Germany."

To realize the meaning of the above phrase, which one hears sooftennow, one need only explore the Bowery of an evening. He will observethat the absorption of Germany is immense.

Sporting Intelligence.

The great Shakespearian artist, Mr. JAMES MACE, plays twopieces in oneevening; he plays "As You Like It," and also plays Cast.

Not to be Wondered at.

OLIVER DYER, the prototype of "the wickedest man in New York,"isgetting anxious about "How to get to Heaven."

Remarkable Feat.

The authorities of Lyons have succeeded in doing with GEORGEFRANCISTRAIN that which people in this country have tried in vain. They haveshut him up.

A Sure Sign of the Holidays.

When the voice of the turkey is heard in the land.

The Grant Tartan.

A thousand-dollar check.

THE WINTER FASHIONS.

Owing to the war in France, which has deprived this country ofthe usualParis fashions, it has been feared that no clothes would be worn by thefashionable world this winter; but, fortunately, Mr. PUNCHINELLO isenabled to announce that such will not be the case. Garments of variouskinds will be in vogue, and the following descriptions of some of themmay prove useful and interesting to the beau monde:—

Gentlemen will wear business coats with sleeves. The will openandbutton in front. Coats buttoning behind now meet with no favor from thestrictly fashionable classes. Coats for evening and dress occasions,however, will open behind as well as in front, but the will not openallthe way up the back, unless in case of accident.

Pantaloons will be worn on the legs, as last season, and theywill reachbelow the knee.

Vests will be worn under the coat this winter, and will havepockets.One of these is to be appropriated to the watch, and the practice ofcarrying it in the coat-tail pocket will be entirely abandoned, as itisnow considered neither convenient nor stylish.

Collars will be worn around the neck, as last season, andcravats willtie in front. The "Greeley" style is, however, an exception to thisrule. It is considered the correct thing, among gentlemen of positioninthe fashionable world, to wear a cotton or linen shirt under theirordinary suits. Only a small portion of this garment must be exposed,—apart of the bosom, for instance. Handkerchiefs should be hemmed.Stockings are to be worn, this year, under the boots, and although adifferent arrangement may be allowed to old gentlemen, in icy andsleety weather, it is not considered proper to wear woollen or otherstockings over the boots at evening parties or other social reunions.Black is the favorite color for boots, and the most recherchéandconvenient style is that in which small loops are placed at the top ofthe boot-leg, one on each side, so that they may be drawn on afterhaving been taken off; thus avoiding the necessity of wearing them atall times. Any one who dislikes sleeping in boots will appreciate thisarrangement. Gloves will be made with separate compartments for thefingers, and few persons now wear the old-fashioned mitten at theopera.The best fastenings for gentlemen's clothing will be found to bebuttons. No gentleman, having tried these, will be any longer contentwith hooks and eyes.

In regard to the fashion for ladies, Mr. PUNCHINELLO cannotnow enterinto details, but he will give a slight description of a few novelties.Frocks, or, as they are now called, dresses, will be worn this winter.Those with skirts are considered much the most stylish. Corsets stillmaintain a firm hold upon the female portion of the community, andhoop-skirts will not be worn outside of the clothing this winter, butwill be tastefully concealed.

Ultra fashionable ladies will wear shoes and stockings thisseason, notonly in the street, but in the house, and Mr. PUNCHINELLO is glad toseethe favor accorded to so sensible a fashion. Children will dress verymuch as the means of their parents allow, but as a rule, their clotheswill be cut smaller that those of the adult members of the family.

Britannia Rules the Waves.

FROM the fate of the Captain and the recent reportconcerning the Monarch, Mr. PUNCHINELLO would suggest to hisfriend MissBRITANNIA,that if she desires to retain her naval supremacy, the best thing shecan do is to provide all her rivals with iron-clads of this first-classkind, gratis, so as to induce them to accept them.

Waiter. "DID YOU SAY A PLAIN STEW, SIR?"

Gruff Customer. "OF COURSE I SAID A PLAIN STEW, YOUAGGRAVATINGBABOON—SO PLAIN THAT I CAN SEE IT!"

WAR DESPATCHES MADE EASY

BERLIN, December 12.—A despatch from King WILLIAM to QueenAUGUSTA hasreached this city by telegraph.

[The King WILLIAM above mentioned is a native of Prussia, inwhichcountry he is frequently spoken of as König WILHELM. Queen AUGUSTAishis wife. They have been married several years. Some children, one ofwhom is popularly known as OUR FRITZ, are the fruit of their union. TheKing has been absent from home a few months, and his wife must havebeenmuch pleased to get a despatch from him.]

TOURS, December 12.—Prussian troops, fully armed and equipped,havelately been observed by some of the French outposts.

[Prussian troops have been in France since the early part ofAugust.They entered by force, and have refused to leave, though several timesrequested to do so. Their presence is not desired by the inhabitants,who are chiefly hostile to them: several attempts to eject them havefailed. They wear clothing, and some have whiskers, and they carry aweapon called Zündnadelgewehr. The time of their return to theirowncountry has not yet been definitely agreed upon.]

LONDON, December 13.—Balloon despatches from Paris have beenreceivedat Tours. They contain information in regard to affairs within thebeleaguered city.

[Paris is a city of several hundred thousand inhabitants. Itis locatedon the Seine, which is the name of a river that divides it. It is alsodivided by some other things, principally political feeling. Paris iswell known by travellers. It has been in its present location more thana thousand years, and will probably remain some time longer. Althoughithas frequently been moved by great events, it is as stationary as anyother city in the world. It is at present surrounded by a Prussianarmy.]

BRUSSELS, December 13.—Some carrier-pigeons have arrived herefrom theFrench capital, bearing important despatches.

[The carrier-pigeon is a bird. It should not be confoundedwith theelephant or hippopotamus, and only the most ignorant persons wouldsuppose any connection between them. It flies through the air, as birdsgenerally do, and though not lazy it lays. The eggs of this bird arevaluable. When properly hatched they produce young pigeons, which oftengrow up and go into the express business like their parents. Thecarrier-pigeon is not a modern invention, but was made simultaneouslywith other ornithological curiosities.]

TOURS, December 14.—GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN has been arrested bytheGovernment and committed to prison as a nuisance.

[GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN is a native of Boston, U.S. He is one ofthe mostcelebrated men living. He celebrates himself everywhere he goes, and hegoes to a great many places. He has an inspired confidence that in thecourse of a few years all the people of his native country will becomeidiots, and that they will then make him their ruler. The civisAmericanus sum of his existence is talk about GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN.TheAmerican Government does not at present propose to declare war againstFrance for arresting him, but perhaps he will do so himself.]

VIENNA, December 14.—Diplomatic circles are more confident,and it isbelieved the Black Sea question will be settled.

[The Black Sea is in Europe. It is bounded all round andcontains animmense quantity of water, which, being black, is useful for writing.The trouble about the Black Sea is owing altogether to its location,andcould be removed forever by filling up the place and laying it out inbuilding-lots. If it were in New Jersey this would be done, but theeffete despotisms and bloated aristocracies of the Old World haven'tenough enterprise to try it.]

TOM'S CHRISTMAS JOKE.

Master Tom. "O, GRAN'MA, GRAN'MA! THE PONY HAS GOT AFIT!—RUN TO THEWINDOW AND LOOK!"

AND THE OLD LADY RUSHED TO THE WINDOW, BUT THE ONLY "FIT"THE PONY HAD WAS THE NEW SIDE-SADDLE SENT AT CHRISTMAS BY UNCLE TOM,WHO, NOT KNOWING MUCH ABOUT PONIES, FANCIED THAT THIS ONE MUST HAVEGROWN TO A HORSE SINCE HE PRESENTED IT LAST YEAR.

POEMS OF THE CRADLE.

CANTO XV.

The poet had now reached that stage of parental experiencewhere herealized to its fullest extent, what many another poor mortal haslearned to his sorrow, that a baby in the house is the greatest tyrantever invented. A baby may be a well-spring of joy, a gleam of brightsunshine, an angel from Heaven, a compound of unalloyed blissfulness,ora mixture of "snaps and snails and puppy dogs' tails;" but it isnevertheless the tyrant of the household, the king of the family, theroyal personage to whom all must bow, and to whom everything mustyield.What father or mother is there who dares set his or her will up inopposition to the baby. If baby wants papa's spectacles, it must havethem, no matter if papa is reading. If it wants mamma's thimble, it hasit. If baby wants to go to sleep, the whole family must move ontip-toe,and not speak above a whisper. If baby gets the croup at night, thewhole family must be aroused, papa must run two miles to the doctor's,grandmother must be routed from her warm bed and brought post-haste tohelp take care of it, everybody from the cook upwards must stir aboutlively and be on the watch ready any moment to offer their devotionalincense at the shrine of this potent baby monarch, the wee ruler who'sslightest wish has greater weight than the king's command.

It is owing to this peculiarity of our humanity which alwayshas beenand always will be, that the world has received the remarkable linesplaced at the heading of this article. Since the Poet's time there havebeen attempts by other aspirants to immortality to continue the storysowell begun, and add a lengthy jingle to the already completed verse,conceiving in their futile minds the idea that it was an unfinishedstructure upon which they could build for themselves a temple of fame;but all such dastardly attempts met with the success they deserved, andthat was speedy oblivion; and we contend and will maintain to thebitterend, that these lines are the only right and true lines written on thesubject by our immortal Poet, and that the others which are falselycirculated as part and parcel of the original, are spurious, emanating,it is said, from a half-insane idiot who hung himself immediately afterfinishing them.

The inspiration to the above lines came about in a verynatural way. ThePoet was poor. That is, speaking after the manner of later days, he wasoccasionally hard-up. His occasions were very lengthy ones and theinterregnum a period remarkably brief. It had become a sort of chronicstate with him, and although he occasionally wrote a bit of verse byrequest, his modesty would not allow him to charge more than a sixpenceor thereabouts for any article, and the consequence was that heunderstood to the fullest extent the meaning of the term hard times.Nowit is a well-known fact that families, especially where there are wivesand babies, do not take kindly to poverty and its concomitants, butemphatically insist upon having something to eat, drink, and wear.

Time has proved that even the weakest are wise in their ownway, and aregiven knowledge for self-protection; and woman, although she may notcommand success by main strength, nor by force of will, has learnedthatwhen other resources fail she has only to stoop to conquer: that herweakness is her strength, her tears her weapons, and her baby hershield. So when the Poet's politic little wife found there was no moneyforthcoming, and consequently no dinner, she advised him to go huntingfor birds, as it was very necessary for growing children to have thelittle bones to pick; not that she cared for a pie made from birdsherself, but it was really necessary for the child just at this age.

Off sets the duped husband in a spirit of self-sacrifice,determinedthat no negligence of his shall prevent his child from growingproperly;and if birds are necessary to the process, then birds it shall be. Aweary day is spent tramping among the woods and bushes, and towardsnight, with two dozen of the feathered creatures in his bag, he turnshis footsteps homeward. He is rewarded by a smile and a word of praisefor his unusual good luck, and with a pat on the shoulder and a promiseof a splendid dinner in an hour or two, he is set to work to pluck thebirds.

Time passes on, the savory smell of the cooking birdsoccasionallysaluting his nostrils and making his mouth water with anticipation,whenat last comes the joyful summons, and all seat themselves around thetable and engage with unbounded admiration in this wonderful issue ofthe day's labor.

The little lever which has moved the mighty events to thisresult sitsin his high chair, a spoon in one hand, a fork in the other, and beatsagrand tattoo ornamented with numerous little shrill sounds of baby joy,in honor of the glorious sight, the like of which his eyes have neverseen before. Father and mother gaze enraptured upon the joyful sight ofthe crowing youngster, exchange intelligent and admiring glances at hisprecocity, and inwardly congratulate themselves upon possessing such awonderful improvement on babies in general.

But the Poet himself, with his sensitive nature—who can fathomtheprofound depths of his soul now stirred by two such entrancing sightsasthe high-smoking blackbird-pie won by his own prowess, and the littlemonarch for whose sake all this was brought about? The delicious smellexcites him like draughts of rich old wine, and all the soul within himbubbles up exultingly, and he improvises on the moment. Joyfully hesings in melodious tones, his nerves trembling with ecstasy, and hisblood bubbling through his veins like sparkling champagne:—

One adoring glance at the rosy little king, who sits with openmouth andspoon poised in air, staring in amazement at such unusual hilarity; onecomprehensive glance at his wife, and the keen knife and fork pierce tothe depth of the dainty dish, and the delicate blackbirds come forth;but they do not sing. That was poetic license. Perhaps, on the whole,itwas just as well that they did not sing, for it would only have delayedthe dinner, and hungry folks are rather practical, and would muchprefertesting the birds for themselves to hearing from them.

The event of the day is over. Quiet has settled upon the earthand uponthe Poet's household. He leans back in his chair in peaceful revery,andmuses upon the scenes of the day. Slowly, like distant music, come backto his mind the diamonds of thought that dropped from his lips undertheunwonted excitement, and as he strings them together he jots them downin his memorandum for future service.

The Tempter and the Tempted

Mephistopheles Butler. "MR. PRESIDENT, PUT IN ABOUT ST.DOMINGO,STRONG."

HIRAM GREEN IN PITTSBURGH.

Owing to the smokey condition of the city, the "Lait Gustise"looses hisidentity.

I have just got back from a pertracted jirney, of a weeksdurashun, fromthe state of Pensilvania.

While pursooin my tower I hove up in Pittsburg, which city isserroundedby a lot of iron furnases, whose smoky chimleys is enuff to smoke a dogout of a tan yard. Chicken raisin dont ammount to shucks there.

When they have a spell of cloudy wether, fowls keep rite onroostin, anddon't leave their perches ontil they tumble off, starved to deth.

This is because darkness rains, unless the sun shines.

Pittsburg is an ecommikle place for nigger minstrel shows.

15 minnits walk in the open air bare-hedded, will put a blackhead onto'em, which will pars muster before a select committy of Freedmanburows,or pull the wool over the eyes of such Filantropistors as WENDILLFILLIPS. Bildins are never painted in fancy cullers down there.

When a man wants to look slick, he takes an old blackin brushand rubshis domisil over with stove blackin, then goes over it with an oldbroom, puttin a polish onto a bildin, which makes it shine like a brannew cookstove. It is no onusual thing for the citezins of Pittsburg tocarry along with them a basin of water, sope, towels, &c.; and whenaperson stops to shake hands with 'em, wash their faces, so as to besurethey haint associatin with a reglar descendant of HAM.

This way is confined to the upper tendoms; but it is a singlerfact thatit is neccessary to remove the upper crust, so as to oncoverthesuperior man.

Never havin heerd anything about the smokey condition ofPittsburgh, Iwas the victim of an adventoor which come mitey nigh puttin a quietuss,for a permanent period, onto my terrestial egistance. Ide just arroveninto the city, from the northern part of the State. Thinkin Ide like tolook the city over a bit, I sholdered my bloo cotton umbreller andcarpet bag, and started on a tower of observashun.

I walkt along gaeopin rite and left at the bildins, which Icould onlydistingwish, as I got rite opposite of em.

Just as I stopped to rest myself a minnit, a man say's to me:"Git outof the way, Cuffee."

I turned to impale him with my impenetratin gaze, when hedisappeared inthe smoke.

Gropin my way along I suddenly was run into, by another man.As hestruck me vilently into the stomack, he hollered out: "You blackraskil!how dare you run into a respectable man?" My blood was gettin hot.

"Me, a black raskel," said I, makin a push to ceaze him by thethrote,"Ile larn you that you can't call them names to me with impunerty, notby a darn site."

In the thick smoke which surronded me, I grabbed for Misterman, when tomy horror! my hand came in contact with a lot of curly hair, and by theshriek which greeted my ear, I was conshus that I had made a misgo, andwas clutchin a womans water-fall.

Turnin full onto me (and Ketchin my cote sleeve), she says,"Oh! youblack villian, how dare you insult a lady?" Tearin myself from hergrasp, I rushed madly on. I could feel pedestrians glide by me.

There I was in a strange land. From all sides it was,smoke—smoke—smoke, darkness—darkness—darkness. Ide read about theEgipshun darkness, but Pittsburgh is ahead of that, for while Icouldentsee in Pittsburgh, the blamed smoke was suffocatin me, and makin theteers run down my cheeks, like the prodigal son, when he was mourninforthe deth of a rich unkle, who'd left him some cash, I made up my mind,that I would try and enter a bildin somewhere, and implore the ade of apilot.

Hearin voices, I made a bee line from whence issood the voise.Aftertumblin over severil dry goods boxes, I went head first throo a bigglass winder, and landed my voluptous form at the feet of the cerprisedgroceryman, who was engaged in the lofty pursoot of measurin out a peckof onions. "See here! my cullered friend," says he, takin me by thecotecollar, and marchin me up to view the ruin, which I had made. "Yoovesmashed a ten doller pane of glass. Come, shell out the damage, or ilecall a policeman." I tride to remonstrate with him agin his callin me acullered man, at which he agin insisted on my payin for broken glass,&c. To avoid further discussion, I planked down the requiredammount,and flew into the street, with my mind vergin onto madness.

Why, oh! why? was I addressed as a "blackraskil," "scoundrel,"&c.? wasthe thoughts which was ruunin' throo my mind.

Bringin my hands to my eyes, a terrible suspishon flashedacross mybrain, as I diskivered to my horror, that my usually lilly white handshad turned black.

I couldent stand such feelins as I was in, for a great while.

Feelin along the side of numerous houses, I found my way intoanotherstore.

"Mister STOREKEEPER, who am I?—and what am I?" said I, wildlyinterogatin a individual, who was standin by a big pile of caliker.

"I should say you was a descendant of HAM, and a pooty welldied onetoo," says he laffin.

"Me black? impossible sir!" was my reply.

He ceazed me by the hand and led me to a lookin glass.

Yes, the terrible truth stared me in the face.

I begun to realize my situation. It suddenly occurred to me,that in theconfusion of changin cars that mornin, that, likely as not, I'de gotswapped off with some cullered preacher.

With my feelins workt up to a traggick pitch, and madly cussinthe daythat I left Skeensboro, I staggered into the street.

For a few minnits, I assumed the air and garbage of aloonytick.

I ran vilently again numerous individuals, and as theconcussiongenerally piled me into the gutter, I quickly sprung to my feet, andwaved my umbreller wildly into the air.

I was suddenly grabbed by the cote coller and moked into alarge bildin,which I afterwards diskivered to be the Monongaheeler House. I foundmyself confrontin a perliceman. Says I, strikin a tragick attitood, "AmI GREEN, or am I not GREEN? If I haint GREEN, who in SAM HILL am I?"

"Old man," said the porliceman, tryin to quiet me, "you mitehave been green before you struck Pittsburg, but if I haintmistaken, yoo'vebeen out and got smoked up, and are now as black as the ase ofspades."

"Oh! hor-ri-ble, hor-ri-ble!" I hissed, and rushed into thewashroom.

After soakin my head in a wash-basin for a few minnits, reezinaginreturned, and I diskivered, to my disgust, that I had been sold by theconsarned smoke a settin down onto me. Well, Mister PUNCHINELLO, it wasa narrer escape for the old man, you bet. I wasent long in gettinwashedup; and if ever a lone traveller was tickled to set foot onto a ralerode car homeward bound, it was your hily intelectual and venerablequill jerkist.

I told Mrs. GREEN of my adventoor. It emejetly sot her intoone of hercranky tantrums. Says she, "HIRAM, you've an old fool. Why don't youstay home, where you belong, and not go pokin about the country like agreat big booby?"

"But, my dear," was my reply, "GEORGE FRANCIS TRAIN got up hisname bygittin into musses, and wastin and pinin away into furrin pastiles."

"GEORGE FRANCIS your grandmother," said she. "You and he orterbe tidetogether and caged. If I only had the keepin of you then, Ide nock thefoolishness out of your nozzles, or break your pesky old topknots intheatemt."

Between us, Mister PUNCHINELLO, MARIAR would do that ere thingto theletter, if she had a chance.

Ewers, white as the druv snow,

HIRAM GREEN, Esq.,

Lait Gustise of the Pees.

TERMS OF SURRENDER.

Madge (to her elder sister, who has just rung the hall-doorbell)."FLORA, YOUR BEAU'S HERE."

Flora. "LET ME IN IMMEDIATELY, YOU NAUGHTY GIRL."

Madge. "I WILL IF YOU'LL PROMISE TO GIVE ME YOURBON-BON BOX AND CORALPIN."

HIGH REVEL IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

SARSFIELD YOUNG'S PANORAMA.

PART IV.

THE GOLDEN GATE.

An animated and picturesque view, fresh from the hand ofgenius.

The mellow sunshine, the birds fluttering in the air, theships dashingthrough the briny deep, the foliage upon the hills in the dim distance,the glittering steeples of the great city of El Dorado,—and one ofGEORGE LAW'S old man-traps in the foreground, with a high-pressureboiler (you see there is an excursion party on board, with a band ofmusic), and an open bay,—all combine to lend to this wonderful triumphof art an airy and exhilarating tone, indescribably delicious.

This is the Golden Gate which guards the harbor of SanFrancisco. It isopen and shut by means of an earthquake. This water, extending in everydirection, is the well-known Pacific Ocean. They have called this the GoldenGate, because somewhere in this vicinity theprecious metalwas discovered, accidentally, as it were.

Observe the skill—with which our artist has distinguished landfromwater; trees from ships; clouds from church spires; human beings fromChinamen. In so doing, he has distinguished himself also.

In view of these sloops on the extreme left, may we not saythat this isa mast apiece?

This exquisite gem was completed about the same time as thePacificRailroad, and yet how different. Here the eye of the beholder lingersfondly upon the scene, drinking in at every point new and inspiringbeauties. I presume that the traveller upon the Union Pacific may drinkat every point if he wants to, but he can't linger. Their time-tabledoesn't allow it.

I forgot to mention that in the background can be detectedglimpses ofthe great State of California.

BOTANY BAY.

What emotions arise in the breast as you approach thisremarkable spot!Tour mind naturally reverts to your English ancestry, to those earlysettlers, the noble forefathers of this colony, who forsook their oldhomes and braved the perils of the deep till they reached these distantshores. They came not from a feverish thirst for gold, nor withambitious visions of a new and powerful empire. They came rather from a conviction, that here was where they were wanted.

This crowded canvas gives you some faint idea of what has beentheresult of that generous, patriotic pilgrimage.

This is Felon's Avenue.

Burglar's Hall,—a fine public building,—Headman's Block, TheCollegeof Forgery, Counterfeiter's Exchange, The Cracksman's Crib, (a new andelegant hotel), Mutiny Row, and many other prominent buildings are tobeseen.

Such are the natural beauties of the place that persons whocome herefeel compelled to stay a good while. (The melodeon will evolve "Home,sweet home.")

THE NATURAL BRIDGE OF VIRGINIA.

Next to Mount Vernon, the Libby Prison at Richmond, and JohnBrown'sEngine House at Harper's Ferry, this is to the stranger the mostinteresting piece of scenery in the Old Dominion. So firm andsubstantial is the masonry that it is supposed to have been standinglong before the English settlement of the country. Some learned writersthink that those stately abutments are too massive for the red man ofthe forest to have constructed. Besides, what did he know aboutengineering? I'm sure I can't say how this is; but I had alwayssupposedthat there never was a camp of these savages without an Indian near.

At all events the effect is very natural, and it only needs atoll-houseto render it completely so.

This dizzy elevation has been scaled by daring adventurers whocut theirnames in the soft, yielding rock; not so many, it is true, of lateyears. They have rather fallen off.

There is food for contemplation in this beautiful object; alsoin thehotel which you perceive not far off.

NIGHT ON THE PRAIRIE.

This represents a very dark night, with no moon, exceedinglycloudy, andall the fires out. You will be struck with the interesting fact that anight on the prairie, under such circumstances, looks very much like asimilar night elsewhere.

SUNRISE, ON THE PRAIRIE.

People who have never seen the sun rise on the prairie, oranywhereelse, say that this is exactly like it.

These two vivid representations of our Western domain are theefforts oftwo boys, both of them brothers. One panted for fame. So did the other.That made a pair of pants.

Both miners, they mixed a good deal with rough people, in factfrom thecradle up. They mixed paints well. They did this job in gangs of oneeach.

One of these boys has grown up and dyed. His bones arebleaching on theplains of Arkansas. He is carrying on an extensive dye-house andbleachery in the suburbs of Little Rock.

The other boy, I hardly know whether he has grown up or not.He was apattern young man. The last I heard of him he was making patterns for alarge manufacturing establishment at Pittsburgh.

BOSTON.

An exceedingly accurate view of the City of Boston andvicinity. Thevicinity has all been annexed; so it is Boston proper. All Boston isproper—very proper.

This view was taken by BLACK, a distinguished artist. Coloredmen drawbetter in Boston. The picture was originally a small one, taken byphotograph, and then "thrown up," as the technical term is. Our artistthrew it up for pecuniary reasons. I have forgotten the man's name whotook it again. I think he said his name was SHERIFF.

The spectator is supposed to be standing just in front of theforeground, except where this perspective comes in; then he is perched,with a smoked glass, in the look-out at the top of the State House.

Boston Common; the Harbor; the Mall on the Common; FortWarren; the OldElm Tree on the Common; Bunker Hill Monument; Fountain on the Common;Park Street Church, orthodox—these other docks are at East Boston;Children of the Public Schools playing on the Common; Faneuil Hall;FrogPond on the Common; the Public Garden, etc.

The Great Organ is played at about this point. Travellers fromNew Yorkfrequently come upon the Sound when miles away.

We would like to show one or two of the important men ofBoston, but theartist assured us we hadn't room.

Boston is high-toned. I believe the taxes here are higher thanin anyother city in the country. I would like to say a good deal more aboutBoston, but being a Boston man myself, my modesty prevents me. You willalways notice this peculiarity in a Boston man—he seldom mentionsBoston. It is a way we have in Boston.

Lunatic

What man is most looked up to? The Man in the Moon.

THE PLAYS AND SHOWS.

ALTERMONTGOMERY has been playing "HAMLET" and "OTHELLO" atNIBLO'SGARDEN. So graceful and elegant is he in his stage presence, that Ihavebeen obliged to decline to take MARGARET to see him. There is nothingsoannoying as to escort one's cousin (I think I have mentioned thatMARGARET is my cousin) to the theatre and to hear her express the mostecstatic admiration of that "perfectly lovely Mr. MONTGOMERY." I havesuffered from this sort of thing once, and don't propose to subjectmyself to it a second time. I do not consider myself a jealous man, butas Mr. GUPPY finely and forcibly remarks, "there are chords inthehuman breast."

Last week, I referred in pointed, not to say Greeleyesquelanguage, tothe REFORMING NUISANCES who insist upon improving everything accordingto their own fashion. The NUISANCE, however, has this peculiarity, thathe never wants to change anything that really needs to be reformed. Hewill insist upon bullying Mr. TILTON into total abstinence from themildest form of claret and water, but he never thinks of urging Mr.GREELEY to a wholesome moderation in the use of objurgatory epithets.Heis clamorous in his demand that Rip Van Winkle should betransformedinto a temperance lecture, but he is entirely satisfied with thepreposterous manner in which the clever but inartistic SHAKESPEARE hasthought fit to end his two meritorious tragedies, Hamlet and Othello.Now no one at all familiar with either of thesetwo popularplays can fail to perceive the gross faults of construction whichcharacterize them both.

To be sure, if we accept the theory of "HAMLET'S" insanity, wecanaccount for the preposterous idiocy of his conduct. But from thegreatest to the worst of our interpreters of "HAMLET,"—from BOOTH toFECHTER,—there is no modern actor who believes in the real insanity ofthe melancholy Dane. The fault of his folly, therefore, lies with thedramatist, and not the actor.

What does "HAMLET" do when he decides—on the unsworn statementof anirresponsible GHOST—that his father has been murdered by the GHOST'Sbrother? We all know that he devotes himself to the duties of a privatedetective; that he drives his sweetheart crazy by using very improperlanguage to her, and by coolly denying that he had ever had any seriousintentions toward her. Then he gets up the worst specimen of privatetheatricals that even a royal drawing-room ever witnessed,—aperformance so hopelessly stupid as to actually make the KING and hisconsort seriously ill. Next he insults his mother, and, under the weakpretext of killing rats, wantonly makes a hole in her best tapestry.Andfinally, after having killed the young man who was to have been hisbrother-in-law, he stabs his own uncle and calmly watches the dyingagonies of his mother, who has succumbed to an indiscreet indulgence inadulterated whiskey. His death is the only redeeming incident in hiscareer,—only he should have died in the first, instead of the fifthact.

The real "HAMLET"—if there ever was such a person—would haveshown thetraditional thrift and enterprise of his race by a very differentcourseof conduct. After the interview with the GHOST he would have had aprivate audience with the KING, and there would have ensued a scenesomewhat like the following one. Of course he would not have talked inblank verse. The world has never properly condemned the outrageouscheekwith which SHAKESPEARE has attempted to make us believe that blankversewas ever the ordinary speech of sensible men.

HAMLET.—"I have a little business to settle with your majesty."

KING.—"Well! out with it; I've got an appointment with theGermanAmbassador about that Schleswig-Holstein business at 2 o'clock, and canonly spare you ten minutes."

HAMLET.—"I want to be appointed collector of the port ofCopenhagen,with a salary of ten thousand dollars a month besides the fees. Also, Iwant to marry OPHELIA, and to be recognized as the heir apparent toyourthrone."

KING.—"Well! I rather like your cheek. Do you mistake me foranAmerican President, that you ask me to appoint one of my own relationsto the fattest office in my gift? Why you impertinent young scoundrel!"

HAMLET.—"Draw it mild, if you please. The reason why I askthese favorsof you is, that if granted they will prevent me from talking in mysleep."

KING (aside).—"He's got 'em at last. I knew he would,if he keptcompany with politicians." (To Hamlet.) "Are you drunk or crazy?Notthat it is of much consequence, but still I should like to know thereason of this impudence."

HAMLET (in a sepulchral whisper).—"Uncle! I have seen areliablegentleman who saw my late father die. Now don't do anything rash. Yousee I know all. Appoint me collector, and I'll agree to think no moreabout it. Refuse, and I shall take the course that filial love and dutyprompt."

KING.—"There is no need of any dispute between relatives onsuch alittle matter as this appointment. I appreciate your business capacity.Swear to forget the nonsense you have hinted at, and you shall becollector. Is it a bargain?"

HAMLET.—"It is."

Here the play would naturally end, and the audience would feelthat both"HAMLET" and the "KING" had conducted themselves in a creditablemanner.By such a change as this, Hamlet becomes a rational andenjoyableplay. But will, you ever find a REFORMING NUISANCE who will offer toimprove Hamlet? Not a bit of it. There is nothing which yourNUISANCEis more reluctant to do than to engage in any really useful work.

"OTHELLO" is another idiotic person, who spoils what wouldotherwisehave been a respectable play, by his stupid jealousy. How much betterwould the drama have been had the fifth act proceeded in this wise:—

OTHELLO.—"Desdy, my dear, are you in bed?"

DESDEMONA.—"Yes, and I'm sleepy too, and don't want to bebothered.There's your night-shirt hanging on the chair."

OTHELLO.—"IAGO tells me you've been flirting with LieutenantCASSIO.Now that won't do. Remember that under the Fifteenth Amendment I havethe right, being a colored man, of doing pretty much as I choose. Ifthis flirtation isn't stopped promptly I'll go to Indiana, divorce you,and marry EMILIA. Do you know where the boot-jack is?"

DESDEMONA.—"I never did flirt with him, and IAGO tells a bigstory ifhe says I did. The boot-jack must have been kicked under the bed. Asforflirting, after the way you have gone on with EMILIA, the less sayaboutit the better. If you can't find the boot-jack, call the servant andlethim pull your boots off—you'll catch your death if you go poking roundunder the bureau and sofa and things much longer."

OTHELLO.—"Of course it's all right, only don't have too muchto say tohim. There's that confounded boot-jack at last. You see, my dear, thatpeople will talk if you give them the slightest reason. There's abuttonoff this shirt. Are you all ready for me to put the gas out?"

With the extinction of the gas, the curtain would naturallyfall. And itwould fall upon a pleasant, well-constructed, probable, and eminentlyrealistic play. As it is, OTHELLO ends with a complicated massacreworthy of the Bowery Theatre in its bloodiest days.

MATADOR.

"Parlez aux Suisses."

It seems that Water Valley, Mississippi, is attracting hostsof Swisssettlers, speaking of whom a contemporary calls them "iron-handedmountaineers." We were not previously aware that the Swiss are providedwith iron hands, though we have long known that they have glaciers.

A Warning.

The man who tried to arrange his hair with an ice pick got itinto aNice Pickle.

Suggested by a "Tight" Fit.

What county of Scotland is the best to get a foot-hold in?Bute.

AN EVEN TEMPERATURE FOR CONGRESS.

Warmed by WOOD; Cooled by BROOKS.

ANOTHER "SUCCESSFUL FRENCH SORTIE."

THE MARCH OF PROGRESS.

The nations of Europe appear to suppose that their advance incivilization is marked by improvement in their rifles rather than intheir school-houses. The possession of the needle-gun by Prussiastimulated France to invent the Chassepot, and now it appears thatRussia claims to have a new rifle which surpasses them both. If we mayjudge from Prussia's actions in this war, this improvement in riflesleads to improvement in rifling; and though it is difficult to imaginehow Russia could surpass Prussia's proficiency in this art, which incivil parlance would be called robbing, yet there is no knowing to whatfurther point of perfection it may be carried. It is only to be hopedthat the industry of Europe, which offers the field for the exercise ofthese improvements, will continue to be piously thankful for the nobleposition which it is thus made to hold in the march of progress.

"Drawn from the Wood."

Hand and Glove.

The scarcity of kid gloves, caused by this war, will, nodoubt, forcemany a fair one to bare a hand during its continuance. Yet theconservative bigots say that women should not vote unless they arewilling to do their part in the fighting.

HOW TO DISTINGUISH A WEALTHY MAN.

By the CROESUS in his face.

Q.E.D.

Astronomers say that there is no water on the moon's surface.We, on thecontrary, know that there are large oceans there. No one ever heard ofship captains in a place destitute of water; and, as the moon is madeofgreen cheese, there must of course be "skippers" there.

A Christmas Joke.

When JENKINS felt in his pocket, after leaving the 37th Regt.Armory theother night, he exclaimed; "Well, if this is a French fair, I prefer anAmerican fowl!"

Theatrical.

The "Gods" at our theatres generally evince good taste inselectingtheir favorite actresses, and as they usually choose blondes,wecannot believe that "those whom the gods love dye young."

Accident.

AUNT BATHSHEBA fell into the East River last Monday, and shenowdeclares that the dress she wore on that occasion is watered silk.

Query.

Should an account of the present administration be calledDent'ist'ry?

History Repeats Itself.

PARIS and 'L.N. have again been separated.

A-ROUND ROBBIN'.—Nearly all the office-holders inWashington.

THE GREAT AMERICAN BIRD. The "bird in the hand."

"A MOVEMENT ON FOOT," Any chiropodist's.

PROTECTION PROTECTED.

A Western editor has issued a conundrum in a volume with thetitle DoesProtection Protect? and undertakes to prove by statistics thatansweris No. These Western people are in the habit, we know, of bragging agood deal of their exploits, and so the writer referred to says he usedto think the answer to his conundrum was Yes, but investigation hasshown him he was wrong. What business has he to investigate it? ThereisMr. GREELEY, he says the answer is YES!! and does any one suppose thathe ever investigated it, or could so investigate any subject as tochange his opinion about it? Of course not.

Then there is H.C. CAREY, who used to say, when he wasinterested instatistics, that the answer was No; but now that he is more interestedin mining, he says the answer is Yes. Could there be any better proofthat the Western man is wrong?

Besides, has not Mr. KELLEY proved a thousand times thatprotection doesprotect his constituents, and that by making everybody pay dearer foriron, the money goes where, according to the true laws of trade, itought to go—into the pockets of the mine-owners? Can it be possiblethat the castor-oil man, the thread man, the salt man, the steel man,and all the others of this kind, don't know that protection protectsthem, and that they are the important persons in the country?

If this freedom of inquiry is allowed much longer, protectionitselfwill have to be protected. Let that Western editor prosecute hisstudiesfurther, until he becomes convinced that Americans are naturally alazy,idle, and shiftless people, and never would, or could, engage in anyindustry unless they were so protected in it that it can be made asflourishing as ship-building, machine-shops, and manufactures of allkinds are now. Or, if he thinks that would take too much time, let himjoin some snug little ring, if he can find such a vacancy, and enjoythereflection, when Republican orators talk of the glorious results ofprotection to American industry, that he is one of the glorious results.

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THE EXTENSION OF WOMAN'SSPHERE.

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