Munchausen XX

THE BARON

Being wondrous but veracious happenings which befell my ancestors, here translated and for the first time printed from manuscripts found most miraculously by myself

CONTAINING, AS WELL, AND AS PERSPICACIOUSLY SET FORTH, NOT ALONE MY ADVENTURES IN SECURING THESE REMARKABLE DOCUMENTS, BUT A VERY ENTRANCING AND ENTERTAINING SERIES OF THRILLING INCIDENTS THAT TOOK PLACE IN MY LIFE PRIOR TO AND WHILE SEARCHING FOR THE GLORIOUS CREATURE WHOSE HUSBAND I BECOME AS A FITTING CLIMAX TO A CAREER SO UNCEASINGLY FRAUGHT WITH DANGER

The full force of these heart-stopping episodes is brought nearer and clearer to the reader who combines with the text the clever

Illustrations

Mr. RICHARD HARVEY CURTIS

CHICAGO

1904

Copyright, 1904

PRESS OF

Rand, McNally & Company

CHICAGO

GENEALOGY

Munchausen XX

1. Ka In begat

2. Fabel; who begat

3. Fa Ker; who begat

4. Pur Ju Ry; who begat

5. Fal Seh Ood; who begat

6. Tru Thless; who begat

7. Li Ing; who begat

8. Li Ur; who begat

9. Fay Re Tales; who begat

10. Fik Shun; who begat

11. Sto Ry; who begat

12. An An Ias; who begat

13. Wha Pur; who begat

14. Ala Din; who begat

15. Sin Bad; who begat

16. El Ra Shad; who begat

17. Mun Chaus Sen (the elder); who begat

18. Mun Chau Sen (my grandfather); who begat

19. Mun Chau Sen (my father); who begat

20. Munchausen (myself).

Munchausen XX

I

Statement of the case, containing facts, figures, dates, and circumstances that constitute the reason for and the beginning of this history—my father’s demise; his legacy; some youthful happenings incident to the legacy, the possession of which was exceedingly difficult.

WHEN I was about five years of age, I was summoned, one morning, to the bedside of my father, where I learned that he was at the point of death from an accident.

I was one of fourteen children—the fourteenth; seven boys and seven girls, the girls and boys alternating until I was reached.

I was very much surprised, upon entering the room in which he lay, to observe all the other members of the family leave, and close the door. This, I afterward learned, was by my father’s special direction. While I had been favored by him in many things, it had seemed to me I was the recipient of more chastisement than any of my brothers; and, yet, I must say I was indulged much beyond my deserts.

I had one serious fault—at least, it was so considered by the good old dames of the neighborhood, who prophesied all manner of evils should befall me, in magnitude from being hung to being torn asunder by wild beasts, through all the gradations of torture that may flit through the mind governed by superstition.

I presume I might as well make a clean breast of the matter, in order that the reader may not be misled into a false conception of the situation in which I was placed during my boyhood days, and say that I was known, throughout that particular community, as the “Prince of Liars”; in fact, it had been said, and often in my very hearing, that Truth and I were total strangers, with no possibility of an acquaintance springing up between us.

Strange to say, my father never chastised me for failure to speak truly, and would, as I thought, look upon me with approval when I asserted as a fact something which could by no possible means have happened.

To continue the history.

My father motioned me to his side and handed me a package, saying:

“My son, here is a package which you must not open until your twenty-fifth birthday. Upon that day, you will open this package and read the instructions contained in it, and I ask you to follow those instructions closely. You must guard this package as you would guard your own safety and yield its possession to no one, not even for one moment.”

I took it, observing that it was very light of weight and seemed certainly not to be momentous, if considered from that point of view.

II

I here give further insight into my character for the delectation of the reader, recounting in precise and careful manner a short story concerning an experience that I had while waiting for the arrival of my twenty-fifth birthday.

I NEED not detail all the vicissitudes through which I passed before I reached that day of all days, my twenty-fifth birthday. I may simply say, that, owing to the fault above mentioned, I was thrown upon the world with such force that I hit it good and hard, after my father’s death, and that the world and I seemed to find nothing in which we were in perfect harmony. I speak of the talking world; for with Nature I never had the slightest trouble—she understood me and I understood her. But nobody had any faith in my word, notwithstanding I never promised to do a thing which was not done. That very trait of character saved me from starvation on several occasions, one of which I may mention.

I was out in the country, among the mountains, and an eagle was carrying away a little child. I was near at hand as the bird got its prey, and I was then about ten years of age. I had been practicing with a sling and was traveling alone the mountain road from house to house, having had nothing to eat for several days. I had just gone into the barnyard of this particular house, when the bird of prey swept down and I heard the cry of the child and its mother.

I ran to where she stood, wringing her hands and screaming.

“Do you want the child?” I asked.

She turned her tear-stained face upon me with a look of astonishment, undoubtedly produced by my question.

“Yes, yes!” she cried. “But he is lost!”

“No,” said I with the greatest calmness, “I will get him for you.”

The bird was now far up in the air. I slipped a pebble into my sling, whirled it about my head, and shot the missile upward.

It caught the eagle just behind the ear and stunned it so that it stiffened its wings and began to soar gently downward. I had intended merely to stun it, and now put another pebble in the sling, for use when I saw the bird was beginning to recover. I, of course, knew it would never do to kill the bird in the air, for then the force of the fall from that height would most certainly injure the child severely if it did not kill it outright.

As the eagle showed signs of returning to consciousness, I sent forth the other pebble upon its errand of mercy and hit him in exactly the same place, but upon the other side of his head. This changed his direction just sufficiently to bring him gradually back, until, at last, he settled softly down, leaving the child in the very spot from whence he had taken it. I rushed up and hit him a smart rap on the top of the head and victory was mine.

It was the telling of this story at other places where I applied for assistance that caused them to set the dogs upon me, to threaten to shoot me, or to burn me at the stake.

I mention this incident in my variegated career to show that the brain of the ordinary mortal is powerless to comprehend the abilities of some people.

III

I here chronicle the arrival of my twenty-fifth birthday and give the reader some little idea of my mode of life, retailing for his especial benefit the trouble I had in regaining possession of my treasure which I had hidden so carefully; informing him also of the manner in which my ingenuity came to my aid in getting at the contents of the box.

AT last my twenty-fifth birthday arrived, and I went into the woods to an old hollow tree in which there was a hole large enough for me to enter, and having ascertained, by careful inspection, that I was unobserved, I entered. Climbing up some twenty or thirty feet, I thrust my hand into the hollow of a limb which extended at right angle from the trunk, to get the package I had carefully placed there sometime before.

I felt my hand firmly grasped and a thick astonishment fell upon me, as I sought to ascertain the cause of the pain which I now felt tingling up my arm. I tugged and pulled and gradually began to withdraw my arm, bringing with it whatever it was that held it.

As I continued my exertions I soon saw two gleaming eyes.

This so frightened me that, for once in my long and eventful life, I lost my head, so to speak, and likewise my foothold, and should have fallen had I not been in the death-grip of some fearful monster.

I renewed my wiggling and twisting and jerking, by dint of which I continued slowly descending until I was opposite the opening through which I had entered, and out of this I struggled, drawing my enemy after me.

By getting a good purchase against the tree, I started the great serpent, as I now saw the thing to be, through the aperture.

He now ceased his reluctance to follow me, evidently being now determined to help matters along by coming out himself, and within an incredibly short space of time there was so much of him coiled upon the ground and around the tree that it was impossible for me even to estimate his enormous length.

But, behold my horror! For now he had coiled himself firmly, and while holding me some twenty or thirty feet from the ground was proceeding to draw me into his cavernous throat, in spite of my frenzied efforts to combat him.

My horror did not reach its climax until I found my head and shoulders surely entering the terrible maw.

It makes me all goose-fleshed to think of it—it was a terrible experience. Finally he had swallowed me, and I fell with a slippery thud to the point where his body was coiled upon the ground.

I was still vigorous and was struggling desperately; so much so that the serpent seemed to be suddenly filled with a great questioning as to whether he had not made a serious mistake.

In threshing around within this cave my hand struck something which I quickly ascertained to be the package I had sought. I hugged it tightly to my breast, for the moment forgetting my danger.

The air was becoming stifling, as you may well imagine, and I soon became desperate. I ran my hands through all my pockets, in a vain search for my knife which I had left somewhere. The only thing I found was a mouth-organ. I scratched the wall of his stomach with this most fiendishly, but it had no effect.

Thinking of another pocket upon the inside of my shirt, and it requiring the use of both hands to unbutton the shirt and get inside, I put the organ between my lips. I presume I was short of breath, for I had been quite busy, and in trying to get my breath I drew the air through the organ and made a note or two.

I was surprised to feel the actions of the monster at this moment, and I withdrew the organ from my mouth to observe them. As I did this, the action stopped.

I then blew the good old tune of “Yankee Doodle,” and the contortions of the snake were tremendous. He swayed and writhed and seemed to be catching my feet in a terrible grasp, and I soon became aware that I was being pushed rapidly upward by the contractions and expansions of the muscles of his body below me.

I had been conscious that the serpent had been all the while traveling, but I had not noticed in what direction, and when my head was projected from between his enormous jaws I saw the earth very far below me. I then observed that he was upon one of the tallest trees on the peak of a mountain and had extended himself into the air as far as he could above the tree top, his body, however, reaching almost to the ground.

I was therefore in a frightful dilemma; for, if he should spew me forth into the atmosphere, I should surely be killed by the fall. My natural ability to meet any emergency came at once to my rescue, and as I came forth I curved myself around his under lip and grasped his body firmly with both arms. His skin was slimy, and had it not been that he had wrapped himself around an immense tree in various directions, thus forming undulations which permitted me to slacken my speed at each depression, I should most likely have been crushed on striking the ground. As it was, I landed gracefully upon my feet.

As you can imagine, I was heartily glad of my escape from such a terrible death as had so lately confronted me, and happily pursued my way with my prize in my bosom.

I entered a secluded nook and prepared to open the package.

After removing the paper which formed the outer covering, I found a tin box, the lid of which had been carefully soldered down. As the reader already knows, I had lost or mislaid my knife and, therefore, had nothing with which to open the box. My disappointment was intense. It had become so hallowed an object I dared not crush it with a stone, which I refrained from doing upon that ground, and upon the further ground that I knew not its contents and feared to damage them by such an operation.

At this point I was attracted by a noise behind me in the woods. My curiosity overcame my disappointment and I hastened away to discover the cause of the disturbance.

In a little glen, I saw two monstrous stags engaged in battle. They rushed together with such force that the striking of their antlers caused streams of fire to fly forth. Though I stood quite near them, they were so intent upon each other’s destruction they observed not my presence.

As I viewed the combat, a happy thought struck upon my mind.

I was by nature very agile, and as the stags came together at the next onslaught I so held my box as to permit a stream of fire from their horns to fly upon the solder on one side of the lid, and so great was the heat therefrom that the solder quickly melted and ran upon the ground. By turning the other side and ends in quick succession, I soon left my angry friends, for such they had been to me, and betook myself to my retreat, with the lid in one hand and the box in the other.

I seated myself upon a log, which lay upon the edge of a precipice, as I now may state, although at the time so absorbed was I in solving the mystery I did not observe that fact.

The first thing I came to in the box was a sheet of paper, carefully folded so as to fit snugly therein. Just as I had withdrawn it, some insect, probably a wasp or a yellow-jacket, stung me so sharply upon the foot that I lifted that member with enough animation to throw myself backward from the log and over the precipice.

With an intention to stop my progress through the underbrush, I had loosened my hold upon the box and also upon the paper. I caught upon a root and held on, thus hanging suspended between heaven and earth. As I glanced about me, I saw the paper floating off upon a gust of wind, wending its way I knew not whither.

I gazed with longing eyes upon it. But my longing was superseded by determination as I remembered my bow and arrows, which I always carried with me.

Quickly adjusting a heavy arrow I sent the bolt speeding onward. I did not wish to tear the paper; for, in so doing, I might destroy the message it contained. In avoiding this I was favored by the great distance to which the paper had flown. I had given the arrow such a proper upward curve it came gently down upon the paper and carried it softly to earth by the pressure, only, of its own weight.

To extricate myself from my dilemma and recover the paper I set myself about, and it was soon accomplished; for, finding the root upon which I had lodged extended a great distance along the cliff, I had but to cut one end of it and climb down it as it hung suspended.

IIII

Showing how Dame Nature’s motherly attempts to thwart the proper impulses of a youth were of no avail in the instances under narration. Also giving various tidbits of history which will certainly interest the adventurous and energetic, illustrating how the truly ingenious is never at a loss for an expedient to carry him over the greatest obstacles.

ONCE more on solid footing, by the aid of my compass I laid out my course toward the paper.

I had not traveled to exceed two hours upon my journey, when I came upon a great river. As I had never learned to swim I was much put out for an instant, until I saw an enormous crocodile sleeping on the bank. With another of my arrows I despatched a rabbit, which I deftly skinned and spitted on the end of a long pole.

Securely seating myself upon the back of the sleeping Saurian, I gently twirled the carcass of the rabbit before his nostrils. He awoke with a start and threw open his terrific jaws to grasp the tempting morsel. But I was prepared for him and kept the bait in such position that in attempting to secure it he started into the water and safely carried me across to the other side, at which point I turned him around, threw the rabbit into the water, at the same time dismounting and hurrying on.

I had still several miles to go, but was worn with fatigue and would gladly have lain down for a rest, had not the remembrance of the precious document goaded me to press forward.

Again laying out my course—for I had varied it slightly in search of a good landing for my ship—I proceeded.

The pain of the poison deposited in my foot by the insect rapidly became so great that I was compelled to sit down and rest.

I had traveled a great while, and was now overlooking the country from another precipice. It is impossible for me to describe my delight as by the aid of my magnificent field glass I was enabled to discover the paper with the arrow still resting upon it. It was yet at a great distance in a direct line and I should be compelled to travel around the mountain, or across its top, before I could reach it.

Looking about me in dismay, I discovered a huge log, many feet in diameter, upon which there was a thin, tough bark. In a short time I had a section of this bark removed and carried out into the sun. It being green I laid it with the curved side up, and when the warmth of the sun had made it flat and smooth, I pushed it to the edge of the precipice, and, by the aid of a long pole, launched it upon the air, myself sitting quietly in the center of it. I had provided a long, narrow strip of the same bark, which I now used as a rudder. By the aid of this simple contrivance, I sailed to the immediate spot of my treasure.

As I was directly above it, I adopted the tactics of the bird, turning my rudder over and depressing it, thus stopping my airship gently and quietly at the desired speed and at the desired spot.

I said I landed quietly. This is not strictly true, and I have no intention to be inaccurate even in the slightest particular.

Perhaps I depressed my rudder too quickly, or perhaps I had misjudged the inclination of my aeroplane. However it was, I must have produced a gust of wind; for I saw the thing I so much sought making off at great speed.

I quickly tied two arrows together, not being able to resort to my former experiment as the paper was rising and at not sufficient distance. The force of the air had straightened it out and it was sailing away as I had sailed down. I still had no desire to injure the paper, and therefore took careful aim, with such exactness that the arrows met the paper in such fashion that it entered between them and was safely brought to earth.

Going to where it had fallen, what was my astonishment to discover that it had descended within the hollow stub of a tree. The hole into which it had gone was too small for me to enter and too deep for me to reach it with any pole that I could obtain.

I gazed about me for some means of getting it, for I had neither axe nor saw. I sat down on a stump to meditate, when I heard a noise beneath me. Upon investigation I found the stump was hollow, and by running my hand into it I brought forth a nice, fat squirrel. It then occurred to me that I was dreadfully hungry and was on the point of preparing it as a meal when I thought I might first obtain my document with it.

Securely fastening the squirrel to a long string I always carried with me, I climbed another tree into which I had noticed bees entering. I took a stick and ran it into the hole and by deftly turning it around and around I secured a quantity of delicious honey. With this I gave my squirrel a coat and carried him to the top of the stump, releasing him at the mouth of the hole, which he immediately entered with great alacrity. I had concluded that the hole became larger the farther down it went, and when he was down a sufficient distance I jerked the rope with such dexterity that I dislodged his hold, dropped him to the bottom of the hole and bounced him around there. When I withdrew him, which I did most painstakingly, yet with little trouble, as he was somewhat dazed and offered no resistance, I found the precious paper sticking to him. I removed it and placed it within my inside pocket with much satisfaction.

I then enjoyed my meal of broiled squirrel, honey, and some baked potatoes. The latter were small, as the large ones were probably too heavy to stick to the squirrel’s coat. How or by whom they had been deposited in that spot I did not stop to investigate.

After enjoying my repast, I proceeded to read the message, which was as follows:

My dear Son:

You have now arrived at an age of discretion. You have doubtless learned that “truth is stranger than fiction” and have probably had many queer experiences of your own. My father left a secret with me that I have never dared divulge, because of the strict ideas of your sweet mother. It is, therefore, left to you to exploit it.

In the Desert of Sahara, at Oasis Tel Ali, there grows a bunch of gigantic palms in the top of which is a great egg.

Secure this egg and you will find your reward upon it.

Your affectionate

Father.

After pondering the matter a short time, I called into requisition my experience with the bark of the tree.

I repaired to the mountainous seacoast and constructed a more roomy and accurate wind toboggan, and, waiting until a strong wind prevailed in the right direction, I set sail.

As I was inexperienced in the handling of such a vehicle, and as the wind was blowing a gale in my teeth, I soon found myself so high above the earth it was with difficulty I could discern enough of the lay of the land and water by which to guide myself. In fact, I had gone with such rapidity that I was sailing above the Desert of Sahara before I had calculated to have sighted it.

It may possibly be that I was several days in making the trip and that the excitement of it caused the time to speed so rapidly as to mislead me; for, being so high above the earth, I was in perpetual sunlight, as I am sure the sun did not set while making the passage.

It occurs to me now that the fact probably was that as I started from the Pacific Coast and traveled westward my speed simply equaled that of the earth in its eastward movement.

When I concluded to descend I was compelled to take a circular course in order not to come down too rapidly.

I had scanned the desert for the palm trees, mentioned by my father, by the aid of my telescope, which I had brought with me, the field glass being thought by me too small for the purpose.

I soon discerned three monstrous trees which seemed to have but one top to them all. Finding no other object of the same or a similar nature on the surface of this ocean of sand, I rightly conjectured that I had descried the proper point and so maneuvered my vessel as to reach it easily, when I observed a horde of warriors of the desert gesticulating wildly below me. I saw all this with my telescope, as I was still too far above the surface of the earth to have made the discovery with the naked eye.

I was not in the least daunted by this discovery, and continued my descent.

The swiftness of the animals carrying those nomads was marvelous, for, though I traveled with greater speed than that of the wind, they seemed to be always beneath my car and were increasing in numbers.

Ever and anon I could see a puff of smoke and hear a little explosion, but it did not disturb me.

Down, down, I came, and when I was within a few hundred feet of the ground I heard a great battering as of hail. The sky was serene and clear. Then I discovered the cause. It was the patter of the bullets of those Arabs on the bottom of my ship. I had wisely provided against any damage by such things by sheathing the bottom side of my carriage with a coating of steel.

When they had shot away all their ammunition and saw that I still descended, paying no more attention to them than I did to the wind, they fell upon their faces in worship, and would not raise their heads from the ground even when I walked in their midst, which I was shortly doing.

V

The finding of the Giant Brain; its message to me; my pursuit of the treasure it located for me; the breaking of the North Pole—all these are given in historic sequence as prefatory to the real adventures, which are given at length in their proper order later on.

AS I made directly toward the three trees the worshipers mechanically made way for me; but when I started up one of the trees there was a loud exclamation. The number of voices being so great the roll of the sound was like terrific thunder, and caused such a vibration of the trees that I should have lost my hold and fallen had it not been I had provided myself with suitable tree-climbers.

I looked down upon the crowd whose heads were up, and they bowed them with such rapidity and unanimity that when they struck the ground they produced a much more violent concussion and vibration than had their voices.

As it was now getting dusk I brought into requisition the belt which I had prepared. It was of glass and filled with gas, and by sending through it a current of electricity from my storage battery which I carried in my hip pocket there was produced instantly a bright light around my waist, which enabled me to see what I was doing.

One or two venturesome ones had probably observed the illumination and had communicated the fact to the entire assembly; for the awe with which they gazed upon me was so intense as to pin me tightly to the tree.

By a very simple device, which consisted in having three compartments of different colors—red, white, and blue—by changing the current from one to the other rapidly the effect produced upon my worshipers was such as to paralyze them, and they fell over like rags, thus releasing me from the pressure of their gaze.

I was then able to proceed to the top, and was soon within a great nest, such as my father had described. In the bottom thereof was a very black object, which, upon closer examination, had somewhat the appearance of a flattened egg—flattened longitudinally. Upon still closer examination, the resemblance to a human head of gigantic size became so striking as to lead me to believe the body of a man was beneath, the top of his head merely projecting, and what I had supposed was a nest was in reality a sort of head gear.

However, by placing my hand beside it, I found I could lift it quite readily, and there was no man under it or attached to it. Then I saw the similarity in appearance to a human brain with greater clearness. By shaking it I discovered no indication of any contents. It was also very hard to the touch, so much so I failed to make an indentation in it with anything I had at hand.

It was so large I could barely encompass it with both arms as I prepared to remove it to the ground. How I was to get down with it I could not for a moment imagine. As I stood upon the edge of the nest trying to decide the manner of my descent it slipped from my hands and fell with great force upon a rock.

When my audience beheld me with that thing in my arms they stood up with such precision of movement it seemed they were all fastened together and worked by one electrical button, and when it dropped those nearest ran backward with such force they were piled ten or fifteen deep before they could get very far.

I at once descended and grasped my prize which I examined minutely and discovered there were open seams in it just as there are in the skull of a man, and with very little difficulty I soon had the skull removed—for such it now proved to be, and I had laying in my lap what was in reality a mammoth brain.

Some peculiarity about it tempted me to examine it critically, which I did with the eye-piece of my telescope.

Judge of my surprise if you can when I beheld upon each prominence of this brain a picture of good size (thanks to my microscope) and I was deeply absorbed in studying them.

As I moved the glass about I seemed conscious of hearing something which I soon found to be but the undulations of light on the part of the brain I was then scrutinizing. I finally concluded that what I really heard were messages from that brain to somebody; but, if so, were in a tongue unknown to me, though I confess to being somewhat of a linguist. It certainly was a very dead tongue as it was a very dead brain.

On looking up I beheld before me one who was, as I afterward learned, the shiek of this tribe which surrounded me. I motioned to him to sit beside me, and, holding the glass where I had had it, indicated to him my desire that he should look through it.

He gazed so long and was so excited I began to fear he would absorb the whole thing, and, impelled by that fear, I exclaimed: “When!”

This startled him somewhat, for he jumped back in surprise.

After gazing at me for some moments in silence, he asked:

“Do you speak English?”

I told him I did and asked him to tell me what he saw or heard when he looked through the glass.

Thereupon he spoke as follows, which I reported in shorthand, verbatim et literatim, at one time having learned the art from Sir Isaac Pitman when he was a lad:

“O, thou of the sky, whose flight is swifter than that of the old eagle; whose movements are more graceful than those of the young fawn at day-break; whose actions are as noiseless as the kiss of the dew upon the tulip; whose voice is as sweet as the murmur of the rivulet; whose countenance is as glorious as the full-robed orb of night as she rises from her eastern couch; whose mind is as brilliant as the scintillations of the Milky Way;

“O, listen to the words of thy servant, who kneels before thee, who feels the honor a monarch bestows on his subject; whose right hand and whose left hand; whose right foot and whose left foot; whose right ear and whose left ear; whose right eye and whose left eye; whose right nostril and whose left nostril, shall be at thy service; whose mouth shall speak thy messages; whose mind shall think thy thoughts—thy servant of the Desert, We Ali.

“O, listen to the words he speaks unto thee; for they are not the words of his feeble tongue; they are not the pictures of his impotent thoughts.

“O, listen to his words.

“O, listen to the words that come to thee from the ages; that come to thee alone; that tell thee a secret no other man may know.

“O, listen to the words.

“O, listen to the words that came into the ear of thy servant, We Ali, through his eye as he gazed into this magic glass thy hand has produced.

“These are the words.

“O, listen.

“O, listen and learn: In the mountains of Siberia is a place; deep in the ground lies a treasure; a treasure rich beyond imagination; powerful beyond words; there lies a treasure and it is thine.

“O, listen: When thou approachest the place thou shalt know it by its fearful power; for it shall draw metals unto it with great vehemence.”

We Ali stopped. I meditated. He was repeating to me a message the owner of this brain had received, and he thought it a message to me.

By the aid of the Arabs I got my ship of state on the nest. Soon there came a great simoon from the north and I sailed away.

As I proceeded I found great difficulty in breathing, on account of the coldness of the air and the speed at which I was traveling. But I had prepared for this, having with me a coil of pipe, beneath which I lighted a spirit lamp; thereupon by breathing through this pipe I got along very well, as the air was warmed sufficiently by the lamp to make my respiration comfortable.

The needle of my compass was drawn downward; but, before I could stop my vehicle, I had reached the North Pole, against which I struck with such force as to shatter it, and bring myself precipitately to the ground, by which fall I should have been killed had it not been for thousands of polar bears that were huddled around the pole asleep and upon whom I fell. My aeroplane, however, was not damaged, because of its coat of steel.

VI

The truthful statement of the mechanism of the North Pole; the monster gimlet; the flight to Saturn; the race with detachable brains; the Egg-hearts; people who live without eating; and the finding of the dazzling treasure are here given in categorical fullness.

THE point of my compass was now toward the south.

I discovered the sleeping bears were in reality dead ones. I learned it in this way.

I saw two live bears at a distance coming toward me, dragging between them another one which they brought to the Pole and placed against it.

This aroused my curiosity and, by a close inspection, I found the mystery of the ease with which the earth rotated was solved. The bears were very fat, and, as they were put up tight against the Pole the rotation of the earth gradually worked the oil out of them, and thus served to grease the Pole and keep it from sticking.

As there was no eminence at hand from which to start my ship, for I had broken off the Pole, I was in a dilemma for a short time only. Remembering what the good shiek, We Ali, told me, I ran a wire around my machine, to which I attached my storage battery, thus converting it into a magnet.

Had it not been for the remainder of the Pole I should have shot by on the other side of the earth, as, inadvertently, I had started the current around in the wrong direction; I had made my magnet positive when it should have been negative. I corrected the error and flew with great speed in the direction of the magnetic mountain, against which I should have struck with precipitation, had not the rate at which I went been enough to raise my aeroplane on the air, and I rose to the top of the mountain, which I should have barely passed over had I not released the current at the proper time and landed quietly on the top.

So great was the magnetic power of this mountain my compass was destroyed, the needle having been pulled down so hard as to bend it out of shape. In fact, the compass box itself was drawn so violently as to tear its way through my pocket and strike the ground with a great noise.

Thus I was satisfied I was on the exact spot indicated by the petrified brain. As I knew it was probably several hundred feet to the treasure, I set about arranging a device for extracting it.

Out of steel I formed a gigantic bit or auger with a very slow spiral. By attaching my wires to it properly I made it positive, and it started into the ground at a great rate. At last I heard it grinding on a solid surface. When I made sure it would go no deeper, I reversed the current and it came back to the surface; but it came with such rapidity I did not have time to stop the current, and it went on out and up, carrying me with it, to Saturn, upon which it struck and started in with great rapidity, it having been turned around in the transit. If one of the wires had not broken I presume I should have been carried clear through, out on the other side, and away off into space. As it was, it stopped as I was entering the surface. This little incident led me to the conclusion that Saturn has also a magnetic mountain and I struck upon it, or, rather, in its rings, as it was upon one of them I struck, as I afterward learned.

I was completely filled with surprise when I saw rolling along great numbers of skulls similar to the one I had found in the Desert of Sahara. Soon there was a circle around me of these queer objects, completely hemming me in, and I began, very quickly, the readjustment of my auger, with the object in view of getting out of there on short notice, as I did not know to what extent these things might go.

I was on the point of turning on the current, when the largest of the number rolled up to my feet and seemed to be trying to communicate with me. I decided to await developments, for a time at least.

I adjusted my eye-piece and set it upon the surface of this thing, and was no better off than before. Suddenly it rolled away at a swift pace, and I soon saw it returning on the top of a giant of terrible dimensions, and I would have turned on the current right then and there, but somehow I couldn’t. I was not frightened in the least, but there was something about his face that held me there. I do not really believe I wanted to remain.

Think of a face that was nothing but a monster eye—no mouth; no nose; no ears—just one great eye of a beautiful blue color.

I felt better in a moment, for this eye had such power I had no difficulty in understanding its messages and it seemed to understand my thoughts perfectly, and we were soon volubly communicating.

I learned that these were the people who inhabited the outer ring of Saturn; that they only used their bodies when they wished to go great distances. They never ate anything; never drank anything; communicated with each other by vibrations only. Their thoughts started vibrations in the ether which affected all their brains alike and instantly. I became so accustomed to their way of talk I seldom spoke, communicating by thought alone. Indeed, speech was wholly useless, and had I remained there long enough I doubt not I should have forgotten how to talk.

They took me to one of the other rings, inhabited by a still more peculiar people, for they had no heads at all. In place of that adornment, they had only one strong arm, at the end of which was a very small hand. Otherwise they were like ordinary mortals, if they had been dressed up. As it was, they were nothing but muscles, veins, and bones.

They had a heart shaped something like a transparent goose egg. They communicated with each other by the motions of the blood within this egg, which they detected by grasping the other fellow’s egg and feeling the blood bubble. They had no lungs, getting their vitality by absorption from the atmosphere. It was perfectly ludicrous to observe a number of these queer people laughing, and they seemed to be very merry. The ebullitions of the blood at such times was terrific, and they would twist that one arm in the oddest manner. I forgot to say they worked their machine, if I may use the term, on the hour-glass principle. The blood went from one side to the other through a hole in a middle partition, and when it all got into the lower compartment the hand would take hold of it and turn the other side up.

But I was not really astonished until I got onto the body of Saturn.

There I found a people very much like ourselves; in fact, in appearance they were just like ourselves; but they neither ate nor drank, and I was much at a loss to understand how they existed, as they seemed to possess all of the parts of a human body. Neither were they immortals; for they were very flashy in their habits and life generally.

I saw a number of these people standing in a line. Another one had a pump attached to a pipe that led into a pond filled with bright red liquid. As each one came up, he would insert the nozzle of his pump under his left arm and fill him up. I then learned that twice a day they had their hearts filled with new blood, which was found in numberless springs all over the surface of Saturn. By this frequent replenishing of the system with new blood all disease was avoided.

It occasionally happens there, so I was told, that a mischievous one would go to another part of the country and bring a little of the blood that was pumped into the servants or black people and pour it into the spring where the other people replenished. In that case the people who used this tainted spring would be spotted for a while, and so would the one who did it. As soon as the spots began to appear, by changing to another pure spring the blemishes would gradually disappear.

There were springs for all of the different animals, which seemed peculiar to me at first; but I learned that the different animals were the same people trying experiments upon themselves by using different kinds of blood.

One of the marvelous things about Saturn was the fact there was no night there, the luminosity of the rings being such as to keep it a perpetual day; hence the people never slept there.

Another fact that attracted my attention was there was no heat in the center of Saturn, and that it was all on the surface; therefore, there was no winter; just perpetual spring. The inhabitants told me Saturn was not old enough for the heat to have got down to the center; that it was a young planet; when the oldest inhabitant was a child it was not even necessary to inject blood into their hearts.

So I was satisfied that in all probability they would ultimately reach our state of perfection.

It was quite amusing to observe their consternation when I asked for something to eat and drink. They knew nothing about it, and thought I wanted something to wear, or a wagon, or any old thing but a lunch.

Finding a number of trees bearing very nice apples and a spring of clear water, I began to eat and drink, at which they crowded around me so thickly, and the outer ones pressed with such eagerness, the inner ones were finally pushed upon me, and I was nearly suffocated and crushed.

At last, I got back to my auger, reversed the current and was glad to find myself again speeding toward earth.

As before, the instrument was turned around in transit and it struck in the self-same place; but this time I had presence of mind to stop it at the surface.

I beheld the grand spiral it had made and walked down. All the way down, and it was no mean distance I can tell you, I had no difficulty in seeing where to place my feet, for it was perfectly light. This confused me, as I had expected the deeper I went the darker it would be. The contrary proved true; so true, that when I reached the bottom the light was so dazzling I was compelled to shade my eyes every few moments. When they did get used to the brilliancy, I discovered the cause of it.

The auger had drilled out a large room in a solid bed of diamonds; but the strangest thing about it was, it had, by its swift revolutions cut all the diamonds in proper shape for setting. This accounted for the extreme brightness of the light; it was but the reflections from the countless gems.

When I had become immured to my glittering surroundings, I investigated, and found a very handsome box in a small hole in one of the sides of the apartment.

In this box I found the following documents:

VII

Wherein I give the contents of one of the documents I found in the box, consisting of several Narrations, in which Ka In extricates himself from a dilemma and produces our pleasant and agreeable seasons; the origin of the Ice Age; the real but little known cause of the Great Flood; the lovers with the terrible eyes and the artful maidens; the origin of shaving the face and cutting the hair; the Tower of Babel. Also tracing my genealogy from Ka In to Li Ur, who wrote this document.

THOUGH I have studied all the known languages under all the instructors of prominence, and have acquired their proper pronunciation by speaking each language in all its dialects with the people who used them naturally, I have been compelled to translate the following documents by the application of my wide and varied knowledge thus gained of the idioms of the numerous classes with whom I have come in contact.

I have taken the liberty, in a few instances, to “fill in” in order to embellish the meager language in which the original is written, believing I shall be pardoned for thus doing when it is understood how much of interest has thereby been added to the narrative. Yet I have endeavored to retain the originality of expression and turn of sentence.

FIRST DOCUMENT

Li Ur, a giant, who was the son of Li Ing, who was the son of Tru Thless, who was the son of Fal Seh Ood, who was the son of Pur Jur Ri, who was the son of Fa Kir, who lived about the time of the Great Flood on the Earth, who was the son of Fa Bel, who was the son of Ka In, the patriarch, sends greetings to all students of the World, and, therefore, of its history, and begs all will take heed, meditate upon, ponder over and deeply consider the following tidbits of knowledge, information and belief gathered from the writings of my fathers.

Hear ye, therefore, and profit by the utterances which have to do with nothing but authenticated and undoubted verbatim reports made by expert stenographers who took the words as they fell from the lips of my ancestors. So great was the rapidity with which they were spoken and so swift the writers aforesaid, many volumes were spoken and transcribed in a few moments of time.

First Narrative

The first of my narrations is in the words and figures following, to wit, that is to say:

In the days when there was no hurt within, upon, around, about, over and under, in or out of the land, the sea, the clouds, or the air there was a giant who was my remote ancestor. This giant, whose name was Ka In, was a harvester of grain and like seeds. It so happened after laboring morning, noon and evening for about a thousand years his mind was impressed with the terrific thought he would probably be compelled to continue so doing throughout eternity if some change were not determined upon and put into execution; for there was but one kind or quality or state of weather upon all the land from one year’s end to another year’s end. There was also no rain during which he might rest; just so soon as one crop came to maturity another started and demanded his attention. There was also no winter during which he might recuperate his wasted strength and energies.

So he sat down upon the threshing machine and thought and thought and thought and thought. Then did he rise up with much determination showing about the edges of his countenance and move rapidly toward the North Pole; for he loved the stars and knew them all by name. He put a great lever against the Pole and heaved away with all his massive power and tipped the Pole over so that it should not all the time point at the same spot in the sky and that the sun should not always shine upon the plains.

Thus it was he had rest one-half the year.

This so amazed the other inhabitants of the earth they were utterly unable to comprehend it and would never have known what had produced the change from one season to four had not Ka In got into an argument with his brother in which he let the cat out of the bag. When he found his brother had told what he had said to his wife he one day caught him out in the field kindling a fire and making an offering to his deity, and caused him to stop breathing for the remainder of his natural life.

Second Narrative

The second narration is even more wonderful, and it relates to this same ancestor, who was a man of renowned achievement.

It came about in the manner following: That he was so much put out by the stories which had got afloat through the wife of his brother he froze the earth up solid with the icy glance of his scornful eye. And when the people roundabout made as if to believe this was the best thing that had happened to them for several hundred years he became so heated with his anger and made such violent use of such warm language the fever of his breath melted all the ice suddenly, both that upon the earth—for the waters of the deep were under the ice and carnivals were daily being held to his great displeasure—but in the clouds, which were solid chunks of frozen moisture held rigidly in the sky. And so it was that the air was full of great rain and the earth was flooded thereby, and no one escaped but Fa Kir, who hastened to the North Pole and builded him a house upon it at such a distance from the earth the water did not reach him, the remains of which still exist to this day as proof of this historical account.

Third Narrative

Ah! But there were giants in the days of my grandfather, Fa Bel. They towered in the air and shook the ground with their tread. And such eyes. When love kindled in their hearts their eyes shone with such brilliancy and power the objects of their affection would have been consumed but for their artfulness; they instantly fell to weeping and such torrents of water fell there were formed rivulets, so to speak, between their lovers and themselves. This would not have been sufficient to protect them from utter destruction had not the fiery glances changed the water into an impenetrable mist which preserved them.

Others were still more artful—those with cold hearts—and always carried large plates of brass so finely polished as to be perfect reflectors. By means of these they sent the glances back with such increased power (for they were concave) the giants beat a hasty and precipitate retreat.

Each hair of the beards of these giants was of the size of large twine.

Upon one occasion my grandfather, Fa Bel, dropped his false teeth into a well several hundred feet deep. He was in much despair, for they were a new thing in those days and he had become so accustomed to them he would not do without them. My grandmother told him to cut off his beard and she would weave it into a rope by which he could descend into the well and recover his loss. This he agreed to and was soon happy again.

But he was so much improved in appearance by the removal of his beard, had not the other men observed the state of affairs and also cut off their beards, there might have been grievous trouble in all the land; for had these men gone to war their bulk was so great and their voices so strong the shock of conflict would have burst the earth into pieces.

This was the beginning of the custom of shaving the face, which became prevalent in all lands, and also of the cutting of the hair of men.

Fourth Narrative

His sons and daughters were so impressed by this story they sought to provide against another such evil day; and they set about it in this wise.

They went upon a great mountain and raised up a marvelous tower which reached into and through the land of the skies. When it was completed there was joy and thanksgiving, which was all quickly turned to sorrow when it was discovered that this pinnacle gave ready vent for the electricity in the clouds, which came down this shaft with such force it not only paralyzed all their tongues but their brains also, and caused them to forget all the words they had ever used. And they ran away, one by one, to hide, and when they came forth they knew not father or mother, brother, or sister, or friend; and so each was compelled to start a new race; but it also caused the great steeple to crumble and fall away and the winds blew it all into the sea.

VIII

Here appears the second of the documents I discovered in the box, and its amazing contents will satisfy the most fastidious, and will, likewise, remove many false impressions as to the origin of certain things, customs, etc., such as the origin of the pigmies and people of the present stature; the cause of the variety of complexion now existing, both in skin and hair; the albinos, volcanoes, mineral springs, and glaciers. Also traces my genealogy from Li Ur to Sto Ry, the writer of the document here given.

SECOND DOCUMENT

STO RY, who was the son of Fik Shun, who was the son of Fay Re Tales, who was the son of Li Ur, speaks as one having large knowledge of many curious and remarkable but truthful and authentic details which have descended to him by and through his fathers, who were men of learning and renown in the countries they inhabited and among the peoples with whom they dealt and had intercourse.

Hear ye, O, my brothers, and harken unto the wise sayings I am about to send forth for thy help and satisfaction. For thus it was I was commanded by my ancestor, through his sons my fathers, to keep with great safety and accuracy this historical account of various and divers exploits by him and by them accomplished, that is to say:

By way of salutation then:

Know ye there was a time when the earth was liquid, and so it ever would have remained but for the following circumstances.

A mighty fish swam in the midst of the waters and his length was so great it was curved half way round the globe; so that by constantly swimming in this manner his backbone had become fixed in a half circle.

About this time there descended from Jupiter a man of mammoth stature, so tall, in fact, when he stood within the ocean his head and shoulders protruded above the surface. He had scarcely taken a hasty survey above the tumultuous waves when this gigantic fish observed him and, being almost famished (for it had eaten up all the other fish many months before), it smacked its huge jaws with such relish and vehemence the attention of this man (who, by the way, was my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather) was attracted toward him. But my ancestor took very little care of his adversary, knowing well his power to undo him at the proper time.

And so it happened when this great fish had approached with consummate stealth and was about to seize its prey, grandfather grasped the top of a high mountain and tipped the earth over so that all the water ran off. Then it was the curvature of the fish’s spine was his destruction; for the waters being removed, so great was the weight of his body and so rigid his spine he broke entirely in two and immediately succumbed.

My grandfather at once took from him his skin which he neatly dressed and dried in the sun and ever afterward used as a horn to call his hosts together from the four quarters of the sky; which he immediately did and peopled the earth which was now dry and green and exceedingly fair to behold.

By way of prelude then.

In those old days when the world was peopled with giants there became classes and clans, or tribes, as they were then known, each of which was composed of the descendants of one man, and they were all such a merry lot life was considered a most excellent thing indeed.

One day my grandfather, to whom I have alluded in my salutation, went up to the North Pole. There he learned the cause of the change of seasons, and finding it exceedingly cold conceived a joke he would play upon his tribe. Thereupon he filled his horn full of the northern air and carried it back.

Now it happened the day on which he returned was bath day and the whole tribe was bathing in the lake. When he was within such distance he could put the mouth of the horn to the edge of the lake he did so and blew softly upon it.

The lake was immediately covered by a coat of ice upon which the people at once stood, for the water was becoming so cold they could not stay in it. He continued to blow on the horn and the people got so cold they began to shrivel up, and had he not at last blown all the cold out of this horn they would have shrunken into mere nothing. As it was they were so small he had to look several times to discover where they were, and he put the whole tribe in the pocket of his overcoat and carried them to his tent. He tried hard to warm them up and bring them back to their normal size, but it was impossible.

Thus it came about that this tribe became the forefathers of what are now called Pigmies and Dwarfs, and their mixture with the giants produced the present stature of the people of the earth.

By way of interlude then.

There was a time when the complexion of the people of the earth was red and they had bright red hair and beards; and it would have been so unto this day had not the following occurred:

There was a very warm spring in which certain of the family or tribe loved to sport. How it came about, except that some subterranean stream had broken out immediately beneath the lake, it was never known; but so it was while they were all in bathing and another tribe was looking on, the water became fiercely black and very hot. They hastened to the shore, and when they got up out of the water they were all black as midnight and the tribe on the shore became so transfixed with fear their countenances, hair, and beard changed to an absolute white. All the efforts of the medical force failed to change the first tribe from black or the second tribe from white back to their usual color.

The white tribe held a great caucus and they came in great numbers to debate the occurrence, and thus they came to be called Caucusions or Caucasians.

And so it was there came to be variations not alone in the complexion of the peoples of the earth, but in the hue of their hair and beard.

By way of postlude then.

So it was the mixture of tribes brought about a kind or class of people with eyes so tender and delicate the light of the sun worked them great inconvenience. They were people with pinkish-hued eyes and skin, with hair exceedingly light in color.

Owing to this their affliction they were the ones who were employed to dig wells, as they were thus freed from the attacks of the rays of the sun.

Now it happened one day while they were down a great depth digging a well the auger slipped from their hands and they listened and heard it strike something far down within the earth.

At first they were much astonished; but being a very inquisitive people they set about investigating the matter. One of them peered through the hole and suddenly rose upon his feet exclaiming he saw daylight. They hastened to the surface and told the people they had dug clear through the earth. But they were not believed, and vast numbers went into the well to look at the other side of the earth, and one philosopher was in high and brilliant feather, for he had maintained most vigorously the earth was flat, though many had told him they had been entirely around it and knew it could not be so. Yet he insisted, because the surface of the other side was likewise diversified, they had been led into a mistake.

Then happened a very astonishing thing. The next day there were gathered in the well as many as could well stand on the bottom of it of this people with the pink eyes, and so great was their excitement they jumped up and down, when the bottom suddenly gave way, and down these people went. They were sure they would be killed or fly out into space and never get back, one and all, but the bottom of the well struck on a soft and yielding soil and they were not harmed in the least.

But those who had not been down in the well at the time were filled with sorrow and despair and made long lines and dropped them down. At last they felt a tugging at a line, and on pulling it up, along with it came one of their fellows to their great joy.

This rescued one told delightful and beautiful stories about a land which had a delicious twilight always; was filled with sweet streams and odorous lakes; where large trees grew bearing excellent fruit; where were flocks of sheep of a peculiar kind, but very tender and juicy, and other animals equally fit to sustain life.

Such effect had these stories, that with one accord all the pink-eyed people descended into this new country.

In course of time it became a custom with them to celebrate their release from torture, and at such times they made great fires at the mouths of winding natural wells which led to the surface of the earth. Now, these fires were so fierce because of the draught they melted the sides of the holes and the suction carried the molten matter out into the air.

So it was volcanoes came to be used as a token of joy, as well as to communicate to the people of the earth above that these people were not only still in existence but exceedingly and gloriously happy.

Occasionally some of these people come up onto the earth on visits and they are termed Albinos.

And these people have a great many drinks which they store in great caverns by air pressure, using great electric engines for the purpose of forcing it to all parts of their realm. Once in a while the people of the earth bore down into one of these reservoirs and there spurts up one of these drinks. They are called mineral springs.

By way of finale then.

I am aware, according to the tradition as remitted to future generations by one of my grandfathers, the different seasons are due to the tipping of the earth by one of our ancestors prying over the North Pole. But there is a tradition which comes down my mother’s side of the family, which is so logical and so true to nature and man it deserves a place in the archives of our history. I will therefore be pardoned for inserting it here. I have had reverence at all times for the veracity of the historical account to which I allude, and I desire it understood at the outset I pass no judgment on it, but leave the matter to the reader’s acumen and discernment to distinguish and decide between them.

One of the great-grandfathers of my wife (in fact, I believe it was her remote ancestor, who of course must have been related to my remote ancestor) made weekly trips into space.