Transcriber's Note:

The cover image was created by the transcriber and is placed in the public domain.

NOTICE.

The FIRST SERIES of "THE COMIC ALMANACK," from 1835 to 1843, a nine years' gathering of the Best Humour, the Wittiest Sayings, the Drollest Quips, and the Best Things of Thackeray, Hood, Mayhew, Albert Smith, A'Beckett, Robert Brough, with nearly one thousand Woodcuts and Steel Engravings by the inimitable Cruikshank, Hine, Landells—

May now be had of the Publishers, crown 8vo, 600 pp.,

price 7s. 6d.

☞The First Series and the present (or Second Series) comprise

THE COMPLETE WORK, extending from 1835 to 1853.

THE

COMIC ALMANACK,

2nd Series, 1844-1853.

Probable Effects of Over Female-Emigration, or Importing the Fair Sex from the Savage Islands in Consequence of Exporting all our own to Australia!!!!!

THE
COMIC ALMANACK
AN EPHEMERIS IN JEST AND EARNEST, CONTAINING
MERRY TALES, HUMOROUS POETRY.
QUIPS, AND ODDITIES.

BY

THACKERAY, ALBERT SMITH, GILBERT A BECKETT,

THE BROTHERS MAYHEW.

"THE APPROACH OF BLUCHER.—INTREPID ADVANCE OF THE 1ST FOOT."

With many Hundred Illustrations

By GEORGE CRUIKSHANK

AND OTHER ARTISTS.

SECOND SERIES, 1844-1853.

London:

CHATTO AND WINDUS, PICCADILLY.

CONTENTS

[THE COMIC ALMANACK For 1844.]

[THE COMIC ALMANACK For 1845.]

[THE COMIC ALMANACK For 1846.]

[THE COMIC ALMANACK For 1847.]

[THE COMIC ALMANACK For 1848.]

[THE COMIC ALMANACK For 1849.]

[THE COMIC ALMANACK For 1850.]

[THE COMIC ALMANACK For 1851.]

[THE COMIC ALMANACK For 1852.]

[THE COMIC ALMANACK For 1853.]

THE
COMIC ALMANACK
For 1844.

SIMPLE RULES FOR INTERPRETING ACTS OF
PARLIAMENT.

Always avoid reading the preamble, which is likely to confuse rather than to enlighten. It sets forth not what the act is to do, but what it undoes: and confuses you with what the law was, instead of telling you what it is to be.

When you come to a very long clause, skip it altogether, for it is sure to be unintelligible. If you try to attach one meaning to it, the lawyers are sure to attach another; and, therefore, if you are desirous of obeying an act of Parliament, it will be safer not to look at it, but wait until a few contrary decisions have been come to, and then act upon the latest.

When any clause says either one thing or the other shall be right, you may make sure that both will be wrong.

HINTS ON ECONOMY.

It is customary to advise that a shilling should be made to go as far as it possibly can; but surely this would be to throw a shilling away, by making it go so far as to prevent any chance of its coming back again.

A penny saved is said to be twopence earned; so that if you have twopence and save a penny, you have twopence still; and if the twopence be saved till the next day, it will be fourpence; so that at the end of the week it will amount altogether to ten shillings and eightpence. We recommend all very young beginners to try the experiment by putting a penny away to-day, when, if the proverb holds good, it will have become twopence by to-morrow.

"A pin a day is a groat a year;" and it will be advisable if any one doubts the fact, to go and offer three hundred and sixty-five pins at any respectable savings' bank—when, if the proverb be literally true, he will be credited to the amount of fourpence.

"Never put off till to-morrow what you can do to-day;" and, therefore, if you mean to do a creditor, it is better not to put him off, but to tell him honestly that you have put him down among the things to be done immediately.

HINTS TO EMIGRANTS.

A dealer in pencils should not go to Pencil-vain-here; nor would a man stand a better chance at Botany Bay because he might have a knowledge of botany.

To very hot climates, where there is no glass in the windows, it would be madness in the glazier to take the panes to emigrate.

WINE VERSUS WATER.
GREAT ANTI-TEMPERANCE MEETING.

A highly respectable meeting of some of the most influential Wines, Beers, and Spirits, was held for the purpose of considering the best means of opposing the Temperance Movement. Among those on the platform we particularly noticed Port, Sherry, and Claret; while at the lower end of the room were Cape, Marsala, and a deputation from the British Wines, who were represented by the Two-and-Twopenny Sparkling Champagne, more familiarly known as the "Genuine Walker." Most of the principal wines wore the silver collars of the orders to which they respectively belonged; and Port having been unanimously voted into the chair, the business of the meeting was opened by Corkscrew, in a concise but pointed manner.

Champagne was the first to rise, in a state of great effervescence. He declared that he was frothing over with pure indignation at the idea of wine being excluded from the social board; and, indeed, he found it impossible to preserve the coolness which ought to belong to him. He was not one to keep anything long bottled up—("Hear," and a laugh);—indeed, when he once let loose, out it must all come: and he did say that the temperance movement was playing Old Gooseberry with him in every direction.—(Cries of "Shame!" from the Genuine Walker.)

Claret said that he did not often get into a state of fermentation; but on this occasion he did feel his natural smoothness forsaking him. He begged leave to propose the following resolution:—"That the substitution of water for wine is likely to dissolve all social ties, and is calculated to do material injury to the constitution."

Rum rose, he said, for the purpose of opposing this resolution, which he thought of too sweeping a character. He (Rum), so far from wishing to get rid of water altogether, was always happy to meet with it on equal terms; and he knew that he (Rum), as well as many of his friends around him, had derived a good deal of their influence from being mixed up with water, and going, as it were, half-way; which there could be no objection to.

Gin begged leave to differ from the honourable spirit that had just sat down, and who was so unaccustomed to be on his legs at all, that it was not surprising he should have failed to make a respectable stand on the present occasion.—(Cries of "Order!")—He (Gin) had no wish to create confusion.—(Ironical cheering from Marsala.)—He understood the meaning of that cheer; and would certainly confess that the honourable beverage—for he would not use the stronger term of wine—(A laugh)—was not likely to create confusion in any quarter. No; he (the honourable beverage) was not strong enough for that.—(Renewed laughter.)—He (Gin) had, perhaps, suffered more from water than all the other wines and spirits whom he now saw before him put together. His reputation had been materially hurt by it; and he was strongly of opinion that the only thing to be done with water is to throw it overboard.—(Hear, hear.)

A French Wine, whose name we could not learn, let something drop, but we were unable to catch it.

Cape now rose, but was immediately coughed down in a very unceremonious manner.

The thanks of the meeting having been voted to Port for his able conduct in the decanter, the meeting separated; but not until a committee had been chosen, consisting of a dozen of wine and a gallon of beer, with power to add to their number, either by water or otherwise.

PREDICTIONS FOR JANUARY.

In examining the horoscope it seems to embrace a wide scope of horrors. There will be dark days for England, which we must be prepared for by lighting candles. After New Year's Day there will be many broils, and Turkey will be torn to pieces by domestic violence.

THE GARDEN.

If anything is done in the garden at this time of the year, perhaps the best thing will be to run about in it. Do not attempt to move any of your trees, but keep your junior branches moving as much as possible. This is the best time to take your shrub in-doors; but it should be rum shrub, watered in moderation, and taken at night over a cheerful fire.

DECISIONS IN HILARY TERM.

The property in a lodger's possession may be seized for rent due from a tenant, but it does not appear that the lodger's self-possession can legally be taken away from him.

A flaw in a lease will not always let in the heir, but the air is frequently let in by a flaw in the building.

When a conveyance has already sufficient parties, it has been held that the remainder man may be shut out. This was decided in the cases of Podger versus the driver and conductor of the Atlas Omnibus.

If a party offers to pledge himself, semble, that a pawnbroker cannot be compelled to take him in, though it is done frequently.

It is not yet decided whether the new Act for the Protection of the Queen's Person, which inflicts a penalty for presenting fire-arms at the Queen's person, does or does not extend to the sentinels on duty, who present arms at Her Majesty whenever she leaves the Palace.

The New Poor Law Act, prohibiting all out-door relief, does not apply to trees, which may be re-leaved out of doors at the usual period.

It is a question whether, by the recent law, which says that all children under five are to be carried gratuitously in any stage-carriage, a mother may insist on claiming free passage for four children by any public conveyance.

It has been decided that the Act giving the net proceeds of a slave ship to the captors, does not mean that they are only entitled to the fish caught in nets on board the vessel.

The Court of Queen's Bench has declared, that a minor under the age of ten years cannot legally be a miner since the passing of the Mines and Collieries' Regulation Act.

TEN THOUSAND A YEAR.
THE TAX ON PROPERTY.

There's something agreeable in the idea

Of having for income "Ten Thousand a Year:"

But property, while it possesses its beauties,

Is burdened not only with rights but with duties.

It well may be said that the strongest of backs

Is bent with the weight of the Property Tax.

"Ten Thousand a Year" is expected to sport

A carriage of every conceivable sort;

A britschka, a Clarence, landau, and pilentum,

He must purchase as fast as the makers invent 'em.

Each vehicle fashion compels him to take,

Till "Ten Thousand a Year" is reduced to a break.

Of lazy domestics, in liv'ry and out,

A tribe must be kept to be lounging about,

On wages exorbitant, though, it is true,

They've nothing on earth—but their master—to do.

The larder, as well as the pockets, they clear:

'Tis part of the tax on "Ten Thousand a Year."

The blessings of wealth would be given in vain

To one who'd not swim all his friends in champagne:

His dinners must needs be the talk of the season,

As feasts of whate'er can be thought of—but reason.

As a liveried lacquey, perchance, there may wait

Some usurer, having a lien on the plate;

Who will not allow it to pass from his sight,

Although to its owner 'tis lent for the night:

The usurer gracefully keeps in the rear,

Not to mar the effect of "Ten Thousand a Year."

Then balls must be given the salons to fill,

And ruin be met in a graceful quadrille:

'Tis sweet e'en on bankruptcy's margin to stand,

While lulled with the music of Collinet's band.

Such luxuries can't be accounted as dear

By one who's possessed of "Ten Thousand a Year."

Without a town mansion, a park, and a seat,

The rich man's establishment is not complete;

But still on an annual tour he must roam;

His house must on no account serve for his home:

For servants, its comforts may do very well;

He must wander abroad to some foreign hotel:

When the season is over, in town to appear

Would be très mauvais goût of "Ten Thousand a Year."

Extravagant family, daughters and sons,

With distant connections who pester like duns,

On the strength of the fact that their wealthy relation

Can't suffer their wants to reflect on his station—

The family's dignity, honour, and pride;

And many a heavy encumbrance beside,

Of which but a few on the surface appear—

All make up the tax on "Ten Thousand a Year."

MONTHLY OBSERVATIONS.

The depth of rain may be ascertained by placing a common stick in an ordinary puddle; or, to walk into one will answer the same purpose. If there should be ice in your water-jug, Moore says, "Look for its continuance;" but we say, "Look for something to break it, and put an end to it." If there is much fog, it will be useless to look for anything.

USEFUL REMARKS.

A Cure for Toothache:—Extraction is out-and-out the best remedy for this malady.

The Moon—we mean Mr. Sheriff Moon—will be in his second quarter all the month. For the hours of rising, apply in Thread-needle Street.

GENERAL CHARACTER OF THE WEATHER.

The character of the weather is rather violent at this time of the year; for it generally knocks down the thermometer, and is guilty of other very cool proceedings.

THE END OF PHEASANT SHOOTING.
THE SONG OF THE GAME.

Unto the feathered tribe how pleasant

No more to be in dread of cartridge;

Free is the gay and happy pheasant,

And free as air the simple partridge.

No more the sportsman's gun we hear,

The laws' protection we may claim;

Defying all who venture near,

'Tis now our turn for making game.

We laugh at Lords and Commons too,

For now not one of them is able,

Whate'er with others they may do,

To lay our bills upon the table.

Now occupied in making laws,

They show their legislative powers

In mutilating many a clause;

But they can touch no claws of ours.

The Cockneys now, with sportsman's pride,

In shooting gaiters case their legs;

Their Mantons they may lay aside,

While we aside will lay our Eggs.

PATENTS FOR INVENTIONS.

Patents will, it is expected, be granted—

To Sir Robert Peel; for a new and most efficacious manner of sweeping by machinery, as exemplified in his very sweeping machinery of the Income Tax.

To Lady Sale; for carrying Britannia metal to a high degree of perfection.

To Drs. Newman and Pusey; for an entirely new method of introducing heat into churches.

To Lord Brougham; for the application of rotatory motion, with a view to obtaining power.

To the Chancellor of the Exchequer; for an extension of the use of the screw, so as to augment its pressure.

To the Poor Law Commissioners; for a new method of diminishing pauperism by reducing the number of paupers; and also for an improved process of grinding.

To Daniel O'Connell; for a most effectual method of draining Ireland.

REPORT ON
THE TRAINING OF PAUPER CHILDREN.

In turning our attention to the infant mind, we have discovered that it is a sort of compound of caoutchouc and wax, the caoutchouc being to the wax about two and a-half to one and three-quarters; so that more whacks will be found requisite to give it a proper tone for educational purposes. There is no doubt that children, like grape-vines, prizefighters, scarlet-runners, and jockeys, are capable of training. The mode of training jockeys, which is to keep them on short diet, so as to diminish their weight, we strongly recommend for the training of pauper children; because, as they are necessarily a burden to the parish, it is only fair that they should be as light a burden as possible.

The introduction of Mr. Hullah's system of Singing for the Million we do not recommend. It increases the appetite by exercising the lungs; and it has been ascertained that if thirty children are taken, of whom fifteen have just sung God Save the Queen, and fifteen have not, the fifteen who have sung God Save the Queen will eat one-sixteenth more than the fifteen others. This was tried with a round of beef and some boys belonging to the Model School at Battersea. The beef, when divided by those who had not been singing, went once into fifteen and something over; but the boys who had been singing went twice into the beef, and left the remainder nothing.

With regard to dancing, we are inclined to believe that it may safely be made a portion of the training of pauper children. It would certainly give facility to their future steps in life, and enable them to turn themselves round after they leave the workhouse. We are also disposed to think that the great demand for cherubs, which is likely to arise by the opening of the large theatres for opera and ballet, will render the "dancing of pauper children" an important source of parochial revenue. With a view to the introduction of dancing into pauper schools, we have caused a copy of the following questions to be addressed to the master of every union workhouse:—

"1. Inquire the state of all the pauper children's toes, and how they are likely to turn out.

"3. Inquire the age at which the dancing days are usually said to be over.

"4. Cause an investigation into the meaning of the familiar term 'leading him a pretty dance;' which is believed to be a sort of pas de do between a debtor, who is out of the way, and a creditor.

"2. Ascertain the number of bow-knees and bandy-legs throughout the school, and divide them into tables, distinguishing the ages of the respective owners."

The Commissioners have little doubt that dancing was originally taught in our colleges; and they think they need only point to the College Hornpipe as a proof of their hypothesis. Sir Christopher Hatton, whose dancing attracted the attention of Queen Elizabeth, probably imbibed his knowledge of the art from one of our great seats of learning; and the Commissioners think it very natural that a good dancer should be capable of filling the first position. It is not unlikely that he was selected to fill the office of Lord Chancellor from his proficiency in the double-shuffle, or from his knowing when to change sides, turn round, and go back to places.

It is to the Commissioners a most refreshing fact that one experiment they have made of a charity ball has been attended with complete success; for a lesson in mathematics is found to combine with a lesson in dancing. The pupils were observed to describe very accurately with their legs a series of the most difficult angles, which they had often very vainly attempted to achieve by the aid of the compasses.

In conclusion, the Commissioners strongly recommend that the masters of workhouses should be instructed to take the proper steps for introducing the art of dancing, as a portion of the future training of pauper children.

PREDICTIONS FOR MARCH.

About the twenty-fifth tenants may look for their landlords; but landlords will, some of them, look in vain for their tenants.

GARDENING OPERATIONS.

Now is the time to force your cucumbers; but if they will not come by being forced, try what can be done by persuasion. All your efforts will be useless if the cucumbers themselves are not in the right frame.

OBSERVATIONS.

The prevalence of the wind is so great in the month of March that the trees generally begin blowing.

The sun will certainly enter Aries on the 19th; which is perhaps a reason for pulling down the kitchen-blinds; but this is optional.

THE MARCH OF INTELLECT.

Lest novelty should receive a check from the cessation of inventions, it is intended to construct a new railroad, to be called the Electro-Intellecto-Mesmeric Railroad, the object of which will be to expedite the March of Intellect.

One of the peculiar features of this railroad will be the use of brass instead of iron for the trains; and, as the projectors possess an inexhaustible stock of the former article, there will be no difficulty in procuring it.

Another peculiar feature of this railroad will be, that the shareholders may act as sleepers.

One of the peculiar advantages of the Electro-Intellecto-Mesmeric Railroad consists in there being no occasion for steam, the power of raising the wind by the most active and continued puffing being considered sufficient to carry all matters to the terminus of popularity.

There are already two or three engines in the possession of the projectors, one of which is the Humbug Locomotive, of very considerable power.

It is intended to celebrate the opening of the line by a grand march of intellect; Lord Brougham and the projector of the Aerial Ship have both promised to attend. The latter will refute the assertion as to the Aerial Ship having been thrown up; for, instead of being thrown up, it has never been elevated in the smallest degree, nor is such an event at all likely to happen.

AN ESSAY ON RENT.
BY A POLITICAL ECONOMIST.

Rent is the price of land; but there is some rent that is not the price of land: for instance, it must be said of the Repeal Rent, that there is no real ground for it.

An English acre will sometimes yield six per cent.; but the Irish wiseacres have been known to yield much more. It must, however, be remembered that in the latter case draining has been carried to the greatest extent possible.

Rents in England go up when the country is settled; but in Ireland it is quite the reverse: for the Repeal Rent rises when the people are worked up, and it is then they appear willing to come down with it.

The profit of a landlord and the profit of a shopkeeper partake equally of the character of rent. The former lives by tilling his land, and the latter by putting into a till (which is the same thing as tilling) his money.

It is an obvious truth in political economy that the more rent a tenant has to pay, the more a landlord will have to receive, and the better it will be for him. Thus, if a tenant pays no rent for a whole year, more rent will be due, and the value of the property would seem to be increased; at all events, the landlord's claim would be a larger one than if the rent had been regularly paid every quarter.

If a farmer pays five pounds a quarter for his farm, and gets twenty shillings a quarter for his corn, he may consider the difference between the maximum of one and the minimum of the other as the mean product.

The landlord and the tenant equally profit by consumption: for the more that is consumed, the greater the value of what is left. Thus, if a fire consumes a haystack, or consumption of a galloping nature carries off a horse, the owner would, according to political economists, be all the richer for it.

Capital and labour belong legitimately to the subject of rent. The greatest labour is sometimes employed in raising capital; as in the case of the labour bestowed on raising the capital for the statue of the Nelson column. Labour is often intimately connected with rent, for in some neighbourhoods there is a vast deal of labour in collecting it.

Quarter-day is the day when rent comes due. But, when due, it does not always come; and a landlord who expects his rent punctually at the quarter is too sanguine by half.

QUARTER DAY

PROSPECTUS OF
THE AERIAL BUILDING COMPANY.

A few gentlemen having taken the air for the purposes of building, have formed themselves into a Company, and are anxious to let in a limited number of the public. A surveyor, employed to survey the air, has reported that he sees nothing to obstruct the views of the Company. It is one of the peculiar advantages of this Association that there need be no outlay for land; and the great hope of success in this speculation arises from the fact that there is no ground for it. The Company will apply to Parliament for an Air-Enclosure Bill, on the same principle as the proposed measure for shutting up Hampstead Heath; but, in the meantime, the treasurer will receive deposits on shares, and take premiums for air allotments. The intention of the Company is to form an Aerial City; and an architect has drawn plans, including sites for the various contemplated buildings, the whole of which buildings may be seen (on paper) at the Society's office, so that the sites may be at once secured and paid for.

The Company, not desiring to express any opinion as to the various contrivances for navigating the air proposed within the last few years, will leave it to the public to decide which principle it will be best to adopt, the Company declining to have anything to do with any principle whatever.

The Company, it must be understood, will convey the air under hand and seal; but the purchaser will have to convey the building. It is a desirable point in this speculation that there will be no tax for paving or lighting, there being no charge made by the Trustees of the Milky Way, nor is there any star-rate payable.

It is suggested that much may be done by parties willing to speculate in the air, when they are once comfortably settled there. Though it is true that the experiment of procuring sunbeams from cucumbers was never successfully carried out, the Aerial Building Company would hint the possibility of reversing this project, by getting cucumbers from sunbeams.

Further particulars may be had at the office in Air Street, where any questions may be asked; but, to save trouble, no answers will be given to any but bonâ fide shareholders.—There are vacancies for a few clerks, who, on taking shares to the amount of £500, will receive 30s. a week for their services while the Company lasts, in addition to the usual dividend.

THE WEATHER.

Hail now commences its reign. If the Surrey Zoological Gardens should open, expect a flow of showers, particularly if the announcements should name a day for a show of flowers.

FARMING OPERATIONS.

Sow acorns in pots, with a view to future timber; and plant out young oaks in mignonette boxes. Sell off your pork, if you have any on hand; and, if you have a live pig, it will be better to go the whole hog and get rid of it at once, for the sale becomes doubtful as the summer advances.

PROVINCIAL THEATRICALS.

Mr. Doublethrust, who had long occupied the honourable position of second cut-throat on the national boards, finding that the managers had taken to cutting each others' throats, and consequently left nothing for him to do, got together a select company for the purpose of performing Shakspeare in the provinces. Having arrived at a small village in the north, he became lessee of a barn, and advertised to open it "on the principle of the national theatres," the latter having been frequently conducted in a style worthy of the former, so that there was nothing really new in the combination. The season was announced to commence with

MACBETH,

From the Text of Shakspeare:

Followed by

A NAVAL HORNPIPE,

From the Text of T. P. Cooke:

Preceded by

AN ADDRESS,

Written expressly for the occasion, by the

PRESIDENT OF THE LOCAL INSTITUTION FOR THE ADVANCEMENT OF

SCIENCE.

The barn was crowded; and the leading family in the village occupied the threshing machine, which was fitted up as a private box. The national anthem was played on a bird organ, the whole company standing; immediately after which Mr. Doublethrust spoke the Address, from which we give an extract:—

Private Box.

A Star.

"Shall Shakspeare to the wall unheeded go?

A hundred thousand echoes answer—No!

But shall the local talent be neglected?

No! that at least shall be by us protected.

We'll cultivate the village poet's fame,

If Jones, or Smith, or Tomkins be his name."

"ALL HAIL, MACBETH!"

The cheering here was tremendous, there being in the village three young men with the names mentioned, each having high pretensions to literary distinction. The Jonesites were vehement in their applause; but the Tomkinsonians were not to be outdone; and the Smithians being thus worked up to an enthusiastic pitch of excitement, it was some time before Mr. Doublethrust could proceed with the address he was speaking. The following were the concluding lines, which elicited the most rapturous shrieks ever heard within an English barn, or indeed beneath a British weathercock:—

Drawing a House.

A Moving Address.

"We pledge ourselves to do our very best,

And leave to fickle fortune all the rest.

Aided by you we boldly laugh at fate,—

And, by the way, half-price at half past eight,

'Tis here that human nature may be learned,—

Vivat Regina!—Money not returned!"

The play of "Macbeth," from the text of Shakspeare, now proceeded, and the manager's candour in using the disjunctive from was speedily visible. The ambitious thane wore a plaid shawl, commonly called a horse-cloth, and a pair of stocking-drawers, with a breast-plate formed of the brass ornaments used to cover the screws of tent bedsteads. The scene with the witches was thrown into such confusion by the performers not knowing their parts, that it was impossible to say which was witch, and, by way of an overflow at half-price, the rain came on in such torrents at about half-past eight, that in the fourth act Macbeth came on under an umbrella, beneath the shelter of which he concluded the performance. The damp thus thrown on the efforts of the new lessee brought the season to a precipitate close, and Doublethrust abdicated the managerial throne after a short rain, but by no means a merry one.

WHO SHALL EDUCATE THE PRINCE OF WALES?

Wanted a Tutor!

His qualities we thus define:—

In mind he must be masculine,

In politics quite neuter.

Of law he must possess a smattering,

Sufficient just to set him chattering

On the prerogatives of kings,

And other less important things.

Of how the English crown

Has come from William down;

How it descended smooth and even,

Till from the Empress Maud

It was unjustly clawed,

By her ambitious younger cousin Stephen.

How subsequently John

Did try it on;

Causing a slight digression

In the succession.

And how, to come to times much nigher,

The title to the crown,

Upon the heirs was settled down,

Of the Princess Sophia.

Wanted a Tutor for the Prince of Wales!

No one whose patience ever fails,

Whate'er that patience may occur to try,

Need take the trouble to apply.

He must possess the power

Of making learning quite a treat;

Retaining nothing but the sweet,

And throwing out the sour.

To grammar and orthography,

To spelling and geography,

To Latin and geometry,

To Greek and trigonometry,

He must be able to impart

Charms that will win a royal heart.

And this must all be done indeed

At railroad speed.

He must possess the power of teaching faster

Than those who promise in a week

To teach their pupils Spanish, French, or Greek,

Without a master!

He must be competent to give an inkling

Of all the sciences that are,

Teaching the name of every star,

Quite in a twinkling.

All those who seek the royal Tutor's place

Must be proficients in each modern grace;

No one need to the office make pretence

Who cannot teach the Prince to sing;

Dance, draw, and all that sort of thing,

And use the foils without offence.

Wanted a Tutor, patient, clever, steady,

With knowledge upon every topic,

Within each hemisphere and tropic,

Like joints at ordinaries, "always ready."

He must be in possession

Of first-rate knowledge,

That can be gleaned from every college,

As well as each profession.

To matters clerical and lay

He must be quite au fait.

Army and navy he must comprehend,

To everything his knowledge must extend;

But nota bene, by-the-bye,

No lawyer, churchman, soldier, sailor, need apply.

ELECTION CORRESPONDENCE.

From the Chairman of the Local Committee to the Agent in London.

My Dear Sir,

The squibs you sent down have all been circulated, but money is more wanted. Podger, the butcher, is wavering; being an influential man there are several who always vote as he does. I am sorry to see his firmness giving way; but if you send down fifty pounds by return of post, I think I may be able to strengthen his principles.

Yours, very truly,

Peter Pliant.

From the Agent in London to the Local Chairman in the Country.

My Dear Sir,

I am sorry that no more money can be sent down; for it is absolutely necessary to keep the London Committee constantly sitting, which can only be done by allowing a constant supply of soup, sandwiches, and sherry. Instead of sending money to you, we had hoped that your local patriotism would have supplied additional funds to us. I forward a loaf, borrowed from one of the theatres, where it was used in a pantomime. You will of course understand that you are to fix it on a pole, marked "cheap bread," and contrast it with the smallest loaf you can get hold off, which must be labelled "corn laws."

Yours, sincerely,

J. Cramwell.

THROWN OUT FOR THE CITY.

From the Chairman of the Local Committee to the

Agent in London.

My Dear Sir,

Demanding a Poll.

Member for Cripplegate.

Thanks for the pantomimic loaf, which told very well; but the money would have answered better. They are making a great fuss on the other side about slave-grown sugar: one hit they have made tells against us very powerfully. They have got four of the Lascar beggars who happened to come into the town, and have borrowed some fetters from the manager of the theatre, which they have fixed to the wrists of the Lascars: each has on his breast a placard, asking, "Am I not a brother?" and on his back is a bill bearing the inscription, "No slave-grown sugar!" If you can put us up to any plan for answering this, let me hear from you immediately.

Yours, in haste, Peter Pliant.

From the Agent in London to the Local Chairman in the Country.

My Dear Sir,

I don't know how to answer the placard "Are we not brothers?" unless by a hit at the Poor Law. You had better get as many old vagrants together as you can; and, putting them into workhouse dresses, label their breasts with the words, "Are we not husbands?" Their backs may display placards with the words, "No Poor Law—no separation of man and wife!" This will be a safe card, if played immediately.

Yours, in haste, J. Cramwell.

THE ROYAL ACADEMY

CRITICAL ESSAY ON THE PRIZE CARTOONS.

The late competition for Cartoons must cause some alteration in the next edition of Johnson's Dictionary; for what is meant by the word Cartoon will require considerable explanation, after the very extraordinary collection recently exhibited at Westminster. According to some of the artists, Cartoon signifies anything brought in a cart; for such is the only claim to be called a Cartoon that many of the specimens can pretend to. Chalking walls used formerly to be a very profitable employment; and we have often thought what could have become of the wall-chalkers since the blacking-makers ceased to have their Day—and Martin. These artists of a menial capacity (vide the Latin Dictionary for the meaning of mœnial) came out in considerable strength at the late exhibition of Cartoons, and they have chalked up a pretty long account against themselves on the walls of Westminster. That the exhibition was put an end to rather summarily at the beginning of autumn, we are not surprised; it is only astonishing that they were not made to "walk their chalks" at a much earlier period.

The Commissioners of the fine arts shot at a pigeon, and killed a crow. They wished to ascertain the state of the art of historical painting, and got a glorious collection of designs for burlesquing British history, showing at once the palmy state to which the art of caricature has risen in this country. Fauns have been satirized, and the British lion has been made in the mane a very humorous-looking animal. As to Magna Carta, never did it give rise to such tremendous liberties as the drawers of the Cartoons have taken with it. Shakspeare is fortunately immortal, or his fame could scarcely have escaped the violent hands that have been laid upon him. Macbeth and the Witches are so beautifully confused that it is difficult to say which is Macbeth and which the Witches. There is the murder of Duncan, with his two sons in the distance, looking on as calmly as if they were indeed very distant relatives. There is the Ghost of Cæsar appearing to Brutus; but the artist, not knowing how to treat light and shade, has caricatured the shade most miserably. Some have selected Shakspeare upon Mercy for illustration, but without having any mercy upon Shakspeare; and somebody has favoured us with Drake on the quarter-deck, Drake being distinguished by a pair of ducks,—a touch of humour we could not fail to appreciate. Most of the artists seemed to have laboured under an awful enlargement of the imagination, which set them off commencing their drawings upon an enormous scale, obliging them to moderate their conceptions before the completion of the picture. The fact that there was many a Cartoon which would have gone in, but that there was no getting it through the door, illustrates this malady among the artists. It may be considered as a species of Elephantiasis, inducing the idea that one's self and one's subject are much more vast than they are in reality. It would seem that some of the artists have misread the advertisement of the Commissioners of Fine Arts, and that for the word "decorate" some of them read "desecrate" the walls of Parliament.

The Iron Peer.

THE WATERING-PLACES OF ENGLAND.

Serene and fair is Battersea,

As it breasts the river's side;

While past it, gushing fast and free,

There flows the limpid tide!

How smooth the water at its base,

No mirror could be flatter;

Named, from the softness of its face,

The sea, the sea of Batter!

But let us cross the shining main,

Which heaves with gentle swell;

And we the fertile shore shall gain

That skirts the sea of Chel.

Within the water, when 'tis clear,

We can extremely well see

The image of the Iron Pier,—

Then hail to merry Chelsea!

The hardy mariner may boast

Of voyage long and far;

To where, upon the Greenwich coast,

Reclines the worn-out tar.

The perils of the vasty deep,

The shore with shelving ridges,

I will avoid, and always keep

On this side of the bridges.

DOMESTIC HINTS FOR THE FIRST OF APRIL.

In making bread, care should be taken to set the sponge properly. The best sponge can be obtained at hairdressers' shops, and it may be as well to ask the hairdresser the best method of setting it.

Bees are a source of great profit. The wax from the ceiling of the hive is a capital substitute for sealing-wax. As bees deposit their honey in combs, each hive should have a small-tooth comb placed inside it.

A hen gives notice of her intention to lay by talking to herself. When she commences this kind of monopolylogue, provide her with a private box for the season.

Eggs may be kept any time if they are not eaten: when they are intended for food, they should be used as fresh as possible. Ducks' eggs are sometimes placed under hens, but hens' eggs, or indeed any eggs at all, are not eligible things for ducks to sit upon.

REPORT OF
THE ROYAL HUMANE SOCIETY
FOR THE PREVENTION OF ACCIDENTS ON ARTIFICIAL ICE.

This Society has been established for the Prevention of Accidents on Artificial Ice, and is happy to refer the public to the following

CASE.

A gentleman was skating in a first floor, and had been several times warned by artificial ice-man Snooks not to pass over a certain spot, for it was known there was a large chandelier immediately beneath, the great heat from which, by thawing the artificial ice, might render it dangerous. The gentleman, however, persisted; when, following the usual course, the Humane Society caused ropes to be thrown across from side to side, which might at all events catch the skates, if not check the boldness of the skaters. Luckily, the precaution took effect, tripping the gentleman up, and breaking his fall; when another artificial ice-man, seeing the danger, resorted to the customary experiment of placing a ladder immediately over the hole into which the skater had been plunged. This course is always adopted on natural ice; for, as a person before drowning is supposed to rise three times, it is desirable to prolong his chance by preventing him from rising at all—even for the first time—as long as possible. Unfortunately, there was no boathook at hand—an instrument found so useful in cases of accident on natural ice, or it is probable that the individual might have been fished up with the greatest facility. The gentleman was now immersed in mortar, and, hanging on by a rafter, presented a complete case of suspended animation for several minutes. Artificial ice-man Snooks immediately plunged in among the laths, while the plaster cracked and gave way at every step he took, in the most frightful manner. He had previously made fast a rope to a hook in the ceiling above, and the unfortunate individual, who clung to his preserver, was thus extracted from his perilous position. The usual remedies were promptly resorted to. He was held up for several minutes by the heels, to allow the dust and plaster to escape from his mouth, and was then taken to the receiving-house, where brandy-and-water were administered in such copious draughts, and with such excellent effect, that he soon lost all sense of the accident.

A NEW ART-IF-ICE—Doubly Hazardous.

The Society would earnestly recommend the following precautions to all who are in the habit of resorting to the artificial ice:—

Always select, if possible, a ground floor; and, indeed, from the specimens of skating exhibited every day by the horses, it would seem that the wooden pavement is better adapted than anything else to the purpose of glaciarium. When you feel yourself going into a hole, throw yourself on your back, when the artificial ice-man will probably dash a ladder on to your face; and if you can contrive to get your head through the rounds of the ladder, you are drawn up easily.

Never venture where you see a board with the word "Dangerous." You may be sure that the Society's men are aware of a hole, which, as they have made it themselves by sticking up the board, they can have made no mistake about.

The Humane Society, fully aware of the efficacy of brandy in cases of suspended animation, caused an analysis to be made of the brandy-balls usually sold upon the ice, when the following result was obtained:—

On the whole, the Society would not feel justified in recommending it as a stimulant.

The following prizes have already been distributed by the Society: To artificial ice-man Brown, for plunging into a parlour, where a gentleman had fallen on to a tea-table, and rescuing him from a boiling watery grave, the small silver medal, with a portrait of the Queen on one side, and the words "SIX PENCE," in raised letters, on the other. The thanks of the Society, on comic note-paper, were also given to the tradesman who had supplied (on credit) the whole of the apparatus.

POLITICAL PAS-DE-QUATRE.

We give the following as the last new dances patronized by the most distinguished Members of both Houses of Parliament:—

THE DEBATE.

First gentleman comes forward, and sets to gentleman opposite. Second gentleman does the same: and third couple pair off right and left.

Union is Strength.

THE RESIGNATION.

First gentleman advances to first lady, and then retires. Second gentleman takes the place of first gentleman, and advances to first lady; who executes a dos à dos with first gentleman. First and second gentlemen cross to opposite sides, and second gentleman turns first gentleman over.

THE LORD BROUGHAM.

Turn right and left, meet half way; then back again. Cross over, pass behind, go up and down, and continue changing sides, till arriving at the bottom.

11. Prince of Orange assassinated, 1584.

How cruel this unhappy prince to slaughter!

'Tis strange that Orange should have had no quarter!

State of the Crops.

Abundant.

Middling.

Scarcity.

Guy Fawkes treated Classically—An Unexhibited Cartoon

THE UNEXHIBITED CARTOON OF GUY FAWKES.
BY GEORGE CRUIKSHANK.

Having been advised by my friends to publish a sketch of my cartoon, intended for exhibition at Westminster Hall, I think the public, upon seeing it, will require some explanation of it. The subject has often been treated, and sometimes rather ill-treated, by preceding artists. Being forcibly struck by the grand classical style, I have aimed at it, and I trust I have succeeded in hitting it. At all events, if I have not quite come up to the mark, I have had a good bold fling at it.

The first thing I thought it necessary to think of (though, by-the-bye, it is generally the last thing thought of in historical painting), was to get a faithful portrait of the principal character. For that purpose I determined to study nature, and strolled about London and the suburbs on the 5th of November, in search of a likeness of Fawkes, caring little under what Guys it might be presented to me. Unfortunately, some had long noses and some had short; so, putting this and that together, the long and the short of it is, that I determined on adopting a living prototype, who has been blowing up both Houses of Parliament for several years, and if not a Fawkes in other respects, is at least famous for encouraging forking out on the part of others.

Having got over the preliminary difficulty, I set to work upon my cartoon: and being resolved to make it a greater work than had ever before been known, I forgot the prescribed size, for my head was far above the consideration of mere feet, and I did not reflect, that where Parliament had given an inch I was taking an ell, at the very lowest estimate. Having strolled towards Westminster Hall to survey the scene of my future triumphs, it struck me that I had carried the grand classical to such a height as to preclude all chance of my cartoon being got in through the doorway: and I, therefore, with the promptitude of a Richard the Third, determined to "Off with his head," by taking a slice off the top of the canvass. This necessary piece of execution rather spoiled the design, but it enabled me to throw a heaviness into the brows of my principal figure, which, if it marred the resemblance to Fawkes, gave him an additional look of the Guy, at all events. It then occurred to me that I might further diminish the dimensions by taking a couple of feet off the legs; and this happy idea enabled me to carry out the historical notion that Fawkes was the mere tool of others, in which case, to cramp him in the understanding must be considered a nice blending of the false in art with the true in nature. The Guy's feet were accordingly foreshortened, till I left him, as he appeared when trying to defend himself at his trial, with hardly a leg to stand upon. Besides I knew I could fresco out his calves in fine style, when I once got permission to turn the fruit of my labours into wall-fruit, on the inside of the Houses of Parliament.

It will now be naturally asked, why my cartoon was not exhibited with others, some of each were equally monstrous, in the Hall of Westminster. The fact is, if the truth must out, the cartoon would not go in. Though I had cramped my genius already to suit the views of the Commissioners, and the size of the door, I found I must have stooped much lower if I had resolved on finding admittance for my work. I wrote at once to the Woods and Forests, calling upon them to widen the door for genius, by taking down a portion of the wall: but it will hardly be believed, that though there were, at the time, plenty of workmen about the building, no answer was returned to my request. Alas! it is all very well to sing, as they do in Der Frieschutz, "Through the Woods and through the Forests," but towards me the Woods and Forests proved themselves utterly impenetrable.

It will be seen that the arch conspirator—for so I must continue to call him, though he could not be got into the archway—has placed his hat upon the ground, a little point in which I have blended imagination with history, and both with convenience. The imagination suggests that such a villain ought not to wear his hat; history does not say that he did, which is as much as to hint that he didn't; while convenience coming to the aid of both, renders it necessary for his hat to lie upon the ground, for if I had tried to place it on his head, there would have been no room for it. There was one gratifying circumstance connected with this cartoon which, in spite of my being charged with vanity, I must repeat. As it was carried through the streets it seemed to be generally understood and appreciated, every one, even children, exclaiming as it passed, "Oh! there's a Guy!"

George Cruikshank.

The Hop Season.

THE FEAST OF THE GROTTOES.

Surely the antiquity of oysters cannot be doubted; but there is some reason to believe that grottoes are of a more recent origin. There is a grotto of the Cumæan Sybil at Naples; but it does not seem to have been constructed of oyster-shells—though its position near the sea would indicate that shells of some kind were probably used in its construction.

The first oyster ever introduced into this country was probably brought over by Sir Walter Raleigh; who, as he imported cigars, potatoes, and saltpetre, may, probably, have met with oysters in his celebrated journey round the world, and carried over a barrel with him on his return to England; which would surely have been quite as reasonable a piece of luggage as a barrel of gunpowder. This theory is further supported by the well-known proverb, that "he must have been a bold man who first ate an oyster;" and as the courage of Raleigh was never doubted, we may fix upon him with some degree of confidence as the first oyster-eater that this country can boast of. But valour of this kind was never so eminently displayed as in the comparatively recent instance of Dando, who, to the courage of eating oysters to an unlimited extent, added the far greater boldness of declining to pay for them. Dando was, however, "native, and to the manner born" for it. To return to the subject of grottoes: the annual grotto feast is observed by the children of the humbler classes, who, with infantine simplicity, insist on declaring that it is "only once a year" for several days in succession. There is a remnant of feudalism in the mode adopted by some of the bigger boys to obtain possession of the grottoes constructed by weaker children. The former descend in rude and barbarous hordes, beating off the original possessors, and exacting custom from the surrounding neighbourhood. This is in strict conformity with the law of primogeniture; for the elder boys generally "take," as the lawyers say, to the exclusion of the younger.

ODE TO FATHER MATHEW.

Oh, Father Mathew, why dost thou incline

Against all spirits thus to whine?

To preach against good liquor is a scandal.

Why to such rash conclusions jump—

To airy, dull, unsocial pump,

Why give a handle?

Water is very well—but then 'tis known,

That well is always better let alone.

Washing is water's only function,

Save when a little drop poured in-

to brandy, whisky, rum, or gin,

Makes glorious, grand junction.

Think, Father Mathew, how you interfere

With Christmas cheer;

How can we offer friends a welcome hearty,

Unto a cold December water party?

When strangers meet together once or twice,

Wine warms away the chill of cold decorum;

But who could ever hope to break the ice

Cold water would in winter's depth throw o'er 'em?

Who could strike up a joyous song

Upon a cup, however strong,

Of wishy-washy green souchong?

Believe me, Father Mathew, you are wrong!

It would indeed be useless labour,

With such a pledge as those you boast,

To try and pledge one's neighbour,

In a flat toast-and-water toast.

Who could with spirits light advance,

To join the dance,

When with teetotalism clogged,

His heels are water-logged?

They who conform to your teetotal wishes,

And satisfied can be,

With water breakfast, dinner, supper, tea,

I class among the oddest fishes.

No, Father Mathew, let us have our ale—

Water's quite out of the social pale.

FATHER MATHEW—An ice-man for a small party

POPULAR ERRORS.

Sandwich is not famous for its Sandwiches.

Venetian blinds are not imported from Venice.

The captain of a steamer, when at his post, is not a post-captain.

The sword of justice cannot be made sharp without the application of blunt.

It is an error to suppose that the stature of man is diminished, for the lengths men go to in the present day was never surpassed. The tallest men are to be found in Lankyshire.

Jerusalem artichokes do not come from Jerusalem. They are not called artichokes because any one who makes a hearty meal on them will run the chance of being choked.

It is a vulgar error that beer is turned sour by thunder. The fact is, that beer may be turned sour by lightning which does not know how to conduct itself.

Home-made articles are not always the best; and, indeed, when made at home, they are often so mysterious, that there is really no making them out.

A Returning Officer.

REPORT ON PUBLIC HEALTH.

From the returns founded on inquiries made by Mr. Jones of fourteen friends, whom he met in London during one afternoon, it was ascertained that, to the question, "How are you?" six replied "Pretty well," two were "Quite charming," four were "Very well," one was "Tolerable," and the remaining one "Bobbish." It seems that a state of bobbishness is one of vulgar health, and that the less genteel neighbourhoods, under the most favourable circumstances, are greatly conducive to it.

Relieving Officer.

Water is one of the first essentials to health, and, consequently, a rainy day ought to be a source of great salubrity. It is also a principal ingredient in the diet of paupers, no doubt on account of its sanatory properties. Water, in conjunction with ventilation, may be regarded as the safety-valve of disease; so that a walk in a pelting shower, with a hole or two in the hat and boots, ought to be prescribed as a preventive against the chance of illness.

Appealing against the Poor Rate.

Hair Hunting.

TREATING WITH CHINA.
DESPATCH FROM SIR HENRY POTTINGER.

Taking advantage of my full powers to treat, I asked the Commissioner what he would like me to treat him to. He at first suggested beer; but from what I have seen of the Chinese, I fancied that they stood more in need of spirit than anything else; and as my instructions were to mix as much as possible with the Imperial authorities, I kept mixing brandy and water till past midnight, in company with Key-sing, who did ample justice to the grog that was placed before him. The effect of the liquor was such as to cause me to receive several friendly assurances in broken Chinese; and the Commissioner, I am sure, soon began to see doubly all the advantages I was endeavouring to point out to him. In a short time such was the spirit of harmony inspired by the grog, that a song was volunteered by Key-sing; but it is impossible to say what key Key-sing did sing it in. I was then called upon to favour them with a vocal effort; and as my instructions were to meet the wishes of the Chinese government as well as I could, I struck up, "Home, sweet home," a selection which, I trust, will meet the approbation of the Home Office. The treaty had not yet received the signature of Key-sing; and he seemed to be wavering,—leaning first on one side, and then on the other; but at length he fell with his face flat upon the treaty, which I believe was intended to show his great respect for it. Such was his emotion, that he was with difficulty raised; and his hand was at length guided by a mandarin, who had partaken less freely of the grog than the Chief Commissioner. Key-sing then left for his own abode, singing and dancing all the way home, and addressing every one he met, to whom he was, probably, explaining the advantages that China will derive from the happy union.

I am, &c., your Lordship's, &c.,

HENRY POTTINGER.

Humbugs of the Day

POLITICS ABROAD.

(By the Foreign Correspondent of the "Comic Almanack.")

The Spanish are, as you know, very nutty on their late revolution. Several provinces have pronounced; but as they all have a peculiar patois of their own, it is difficult to catch their pronunciations. America is in a more settled, though certainly not in a more settling, state than it was some time ago. It has resorted freely to the old way of paying new debts, and in return for our specie, has sent us a species of whitewash, which is all that we can get as an equivalent. It is a glorious thing to see a whole nation throwing off its bonds; and the way in which America has released herself from the bonds she was under to her creditors, is a proof that she knows how to be free herself, and to make free with others. On the other side of the Channel, Young France finding it impossible to beard Old England, has taken to bearding itself; and the war-party show, by their chins at any rate, that they would be much improved by a good lathering. New South Wales, as you are by this time aware, is to have a representative assembly; but it is not yet decided what the legislative body is to consist of. It would perhaps be the fairest plan, that each of the prisons should send so many members to the Botany Bay parliament; but others think that each class of offenders should have its own representatives. Whether the Honourable Member for Newgate would sound better than the Gallant Representative of the Housebreaking Interests, is a question that may be decided hereafter; and it will be a very nice point, whether conviction shall be a necessary qualification for a seat in the legislature of New South Wales, or, whether the fact of having committed an offence, shall render a person eligible as a candidate. It will perhaps be difficult to draw the line where the elective franchise shall begin, but it is generally believed, that nothing under a pickpocket ought to be entitled to vote, though, whether the claimant to the suffrage must have been positively caught in the act, is a nicety on which I leave it to the lawyers to deliberate.

THE SINGING MOUSE.

'Tis thought a very wondrous thing,

That any mouse is known to sing;

But only keep your cat away,

And all your mice will learn to play.

OBSERVATIONS OF A NATURALIST.

The average quantity of vapour from below is always greater after a public meeting, at which patriotic speeches have been made.

As we advance towards the Pole, the wind rises; and, by a remarkable coincidence, it is easy for an elector to raise the wind as the day for going to the poll approaches.

In warm weather the dissolving power is greater; and the summer is generally chosen for dissolving Parliament.

Moisture ascending, forms clouds; and liquor which gets into the head causes a mist over the eyes; a fact that shows the analogy existing between all the operations of nature.

Bishop Berkeley has observed, that there are more levels in England than are generally to be found elsewhere. This notion accounts for the Bishop having published many things, in which he treated England as a country of flats.

About the 4th or 5th of February, it has been observed that the woodlark renews his note. Birds of passage do not always renew their notes on the 4th, but dishonour their bills very frequently.

It has been remarked, that in September evenings the reduction of temperature begins to be sensibly felt by those who expose themselves to it thinly clad. We cannot concur in the general observation that it is sensibly felt, for the more sensible thing would be to wrap oneself well up, and avoid altogether feeling it.

It was generally observed, that the summer of 1843 was one of the finest that has been known for many years. This may be easily accounted for by the non-opening of Vauxhall Gardens. Preparations had been made for the commencement of the season, and there was a week of incessant rain; but the idea being abandoned, the weather became fine, and continued so for the remainder of the summer.

Saturn is generally allowed to be a very inclement planet; and it may be seen directly over Clement's Inn during a portion of the year.

SIX RICHARDS IN THE FIELD.
A NEW ACTING SHAKSPEARE.

It is quite evident that Shakspeare, in its present state, is not suited to the capacity of the existing race of tragic actors. On the same principle that somebody is said to have gone to bed because the bed would not go to somebody, it seems advisable to bring Shakspeare down to the actors because the actors can't come up to Shakspeare.

It was once suggested that the play of "Hamlet," with the character of Hamlet omitted, might probably lose some of its effect in dramatic representation. If this theory is a good one, it follows, as a matter of course, that the play of "Richard the Third," with six Richards instead of one, must be six times as good as it is with only a single embodiment of that extraordinary character. That this is the opinion of modern tragedians is shown by their all requiring to perform the principal part in all tragedies: an arrangement that could only be carried out by multiplying the chief character in a piece by the number of individuals in a theatre who want to act it. Whether the negative capacities of three or four individual performers can make an affirmative capacity, is an experiment that might be tried, at all events. "Division of labour" is a very favourite project amongst speculators in the present day; and if Messrs. A., P., and V., are separately unequal to the effort of sustaining the weight of the crook-backed tyrant, why should not the tyrant be cut into three—some actors, by-the-bye, cut him all to pieces—so that each of the performers hinted at might bear a portion of the burden? Mr. A. might do the love scene with Lady Anne; Mr. P. might growl through the opening soliloquy; and Mr. V. might go to sleep throughout the dream: an achievement which the drowsiness of his style renders him fully equal to.

That the bard of Avon contemplated the possibility of something of the kind is shown by the expression he puts into the mouth of Richard himself, who, in making the well-known exclamation,

"Methinks I see six Richmonds in the field,"

may be supposed to have hinted at the possibility of there being six competitors for his own position—that of hero of the tragedy.

THE DOGS' BILL.

The goodness of Parliament all things surpasses;

Its kind fellow-feeling no pride ever clogs:

It has stooped to the representation of asses,

And during last Session it went to the dogs.

How kind of a conclave of Solons and Daniels,

Whose wisdom and greatness there's no one disputes,

To sympathize nobly with lap-dogs and spaniels,

And adopt as their own all the feelings of brutes!

But the dogs of the country are sore discontented,

The Bills to protect them should out have been thrown;

If the species canine is to be represented,

Why is it by London-bred puppies alone?

Theatrical managers also will feel it—

No dogs for performance they now can engage;

In town, by the act (if they do not repeal it),

No dog can be suffered to draw on the stage.

Dog Latin, doxology, reason dogmatic,

And physic, which oft to the dogs has been thrown,—

Are all these confined, by a plan systematic,

To the puppies residing in London alone?

Oh! can it be ever with reason pretended

That civilization's beneficent lights

Have not to the dogs in the country extended,

Which makes them unfit for political rights?

Oh! is there no ear in the House will be harking

To all the complaints which with justice are made?

Oh! where are the members of Houndsditch and Barking?

By them are the dogs of the country betrayed.

FACTS WORTH REMEMBERING.

In January.—That on the 8th, fire insurance policies must be attended to; and that, although honesty is the best policy, it will not be available in case of fire.

In February.—That, on the 7th, Dr. Maskelyne died; but as we do not know how to pronounce an opinion on this Maskelyne, it is better for us to remain neuter.

DOG-DAYS—Legislation going to the Dogs.

In March.—That the month is a stormy one at sea, causing leaks in ships; and that, on the 1st, being St. David's day, leeks are worn in the hat by Welshmen.

In April.—That the assessed-tax papers are delivered early in the month; and that not even the vainest of us is then disposed to overrate himself.

In May.—That, on the 14th, vaccination was first used, in 1796; and that, while it saved many from being pitted with the smallpox, the invention itself may be pitted against any other.

June.—That the sun is before the clock on the 7th, which may be remedied by putting the clock before the sun. Mem.—It will do no good to place it before the fire.

July.—That the days decrease in the course of the month; and that on the 5th of July, 1830, Algiers lost a Dey altogether.

August.—That Napoleon was born on the 15th, and Andrew Marvel on the 16th, but that the former was really a greater marvel than the latter.

September.—Your grapes will now begin to want looking after. If you do not bag them yourself, and your vine happens to be in an exposed situation, you may expect that some one will come and bag them for you.

October.—That melons can only be raised in hot beds; and, of course, the hotter the bed the better the melons. Some fruit-gardeners recommend a layer of cinders; but red-hot ashes, enclosed in a warming-pan, will heat your bed quicker than anything. It is usual to cover the bed over with a frame, with panes of glass in it; a good thick counterpane would perhaps be more effective.

November.—That the 5th is Guy Fawkes' day, which is commemorative of an attempted blow up; and that the 9th is Lord Mayor's day, which is devoted to an annual blow out.

December.—That the close of the year is the proper time to begin a system of keeping accounts, for you will have plenty of accounts sent in to enable you to commence keeping them.

Drawing an Audience,—Rogue-ation Sunday.

NEW VERSION OF "ALL ROUND MY HAT."
AS SUNG NIGHTLY AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE.

All round my hat I hang a green willow,

All round my hat for a twelvemonth and a day;

And if anybody wants to know the reason that I do so,

It's because my ingenuity has all been thrown away.

'Twas taking my drives in the Park I first conceived it,

O, I thought the guard on duty in his hat looked a Guy;

(Spoken.)—Such a hat—like an old muff sewn up at one end of it!

And I never slept a wink, but in my mind I weaved it,

And thought my taste and fancy upon a hat I'd try.

(Spoken.)—Here's your fine infantry beavers, as light as gossamers,

and as waterproof as the washable!

All round my hat, &c.

Oh, my hat it was tall, and my hat it was round too,

And cruel was the public taste that did my hat condemn;

It's ugliness was sure the foe to confound too,

It frightened the public, and would have frightened them.

(Spoken.)—The horses of the cavalry on the other side would

have been sure to shy at it; and they would have got into such

a-rear that the riders never could have come on to the charge. But

now it's

All round my hat, &c.

For seven long weeks the Queen and I planned it,

For seven long weeks we turned it every way:

Bad luck to the public, they didn't understand it;

But I'll praise the hat for ever, although it's done away.

(Spoken.)—Here's your fine British lion grinning at the enemy as

if he would eat 'em up; but, alas! it's

All round my hat, &c.

There is some sort of men so preciously particular,

They wish to see the soldiers in soldier-like array;

But for the regulation, or for taste I'm no stickler,

I only want to see the men in colours bright and gay.

(Spoken.)—Do you want any hussar jackets? Wear 'em and try

'em before you buy 'em. But it's

All round my hat, &c.

Oh, I gave my son a hat on the day he was born on,

Which I gave him as a plaything all to remember me;

And when he grows up, his head it will be worn on,

For an infantry colonel he very soon will be.

(Spoken.)—Here's your fine full blooming annuals—cheap at any

price. Yes, that they are—but it's

All round my hat, &c.

Disturbed State of Wales.

ROYAL PANTOMIME.

The nation is most respectfully informed that arrangements have been made, on a most extensive scale, for the annual production of a new Pantomime, to be called

THE ROYAL TOUR;

Or, Harlequin Prince Albert, and the Sailor Queen

of the Sea-Girt Isle.

The Scenery entirely new, from Views taken on the spot, in England,

France, and Belgium.

The Tricks by Neptune and assistants.

The Changes—of air, climate, and place, by Messrs. North, South,

East, and West.

The whole under the immediate direction of the Lord

Chamberlain.

Principal Characters:

Landlord of the Gallic Cock (afterwards Harlequin), Mons. Louis Philippe;

Prince Fortune (afterwards Lover), Mons. Albert:

Fortunatus (his Uncle), Mons. Leopold (From the Royal Cobourg);

Whirligig, an Evil Genius (afterwards Clown), Herr Brougham (who will introduce "Tippitywichit");

The Good Genius (afterwards Columbine), Madame Victoire; Fiends of Mischief, by Mons. Thiers, and numerous auxiliaries.

In the course of the Pantomime, the celebrated Pas des Folies, by La Jeune France and Young England. The famous Marche Diabolique, by Signor O'Connell (surnamed the Irish incredible); and the grand Pas de Fascination, by Madame Victoire.

In the course of the Pantomime will be exhibited the following

NEW AND SPLENDID SCENERY:—

PLYMOUTH, WITH THE MAYOR IN THE DISTANCE,

And a bird's-eye View of the Corporation, as seen through a

telescope from the deck of the Royal Yacht.

A GRAND NAUTICAL PANORAMA,

With the arrival of the Royal Squadron at Treport.

CAVE OF REVOLUTIONARY DESPAIR,

And overthrow of the Great Dragon of War, and Grand Finale

in the Regions of Blissfulness,

with the

TRIUMPH OF THE GOOD GENIUS.

Change for a Sovereign—an Anticipated Pantomime.

An Arctic Circle.

THE POLAR EXPEDITION.

Candidly speaking, a voyage to the North Pole has many advantages. In the first place, the Polar bears are the finest in the world for bear's grease, and it makes the hair stand on end merely to look at them.

The North Pole is generally supposed to be a sort of sign-post, embedded in ice, in latitude 0° 0´, longitude x° x´; and it is popularly believed that Captain Ross not only cut his name on the pole itself, but nailed the English standard to the top of it. It has been contemplated by some who take an interest in these matters, to bring the North Pole to England, and place it in the Museum as a companion to Cleopatra's needle. Whether the passage to the North Pole will ever become a favourite with those who travel for mere pleasure is somewhat questionable, but there is no knowing what mercantile enterprise may do, and an expedition to obtain bear-skin coats—particularly if undertaken by such a house as Baring Brothers—would, if it only proved barely remunerative, say a great deal for British enterprise.

There is only one disadvantage attending a voyage to the Pole, which is the difficulty of getting there, to say nothing of the extreme improbability of getting safely back again. The forcing a passage to the Pole is a grand achievement. And as the road is frozen up before the expedition can return, it is always necessary to force another passage back again. Nature certainly seems to have written up "No Thoroughfare," and the pole itself appears to be inscribed with the words "No admittance except on business;" but this warning has no effect upon those enthusiasts who are determined to rush to the Pole at any sacrifice.

THE LEGAL ART-UNION.

Some doubt having been entertained as to the legality of Art-Unions, it has been determined to establish a legal Art-Union, by which the most expensive of known luxuries—law—can be dealt out to the subscribers upon most reasonable terms. The Union is to consist of as many persons as think proper to subscribe, and the object will be the bringing and defending actions, so that debtors and creditors will equally profit by it.

Every subscriber, on paying six-and-eightpence, will have a declaration delivered to him if he be a debtor; or if a creditor, he will receive a plea; and the prizes will consist of a certain number of verdicts, to be selected from the public exhibitions of justice, including the Courts of Request, the Lord Mayor's, and Sheriffs' Courts. If a plaintiff draws a prize, he will get the whole of the money; and if a debtor draws a blank, he will have to pay it; but if the debtor and the creditor both draw blanks, they neither of them get anything, but their loss is limited to six-and-eightpence. If a debtor obtains a fortunate number he is exonerated from his debt without the disgrace or inconvenience of running away; while a creditor, even if he does not get his money, is prevented from throwing any of the good after the bad, and thus all parties reap advantages which they could not obtain in the regular course of law. It is thought that the causing the verdicts to depend on chance, and thus introducing the lottery principle into the administration of justice, is quite in conformity with what, in nine cases out of ten, practically happens.

Prospectuses may be had at the chambers of Messrs. Drain, Swindle, and Company, Solicitors to the Court of Portugal, and Attorneys Extraordinary (most extraordinary!) to anyone employing them.

POST OFFICE REGULATIONS.

The letter-carriers are all to wear uniforms, in order to carry out the principle of the uniform postage. All the old Twopennies are placed on the same footing as Generals.

The mails, since the reduction of the rate, are allowed to travel slower than formerly. The Hounslow mail being carried in a cab, and, there being no accommodation for a guard, the Government will not be responsible for the safe conduct of the bags beyond the Sloane Street frontier. Letters for Kingston, not intended to go by Falmouth, should be marked Kingston-upon-Thames, or they will be despatched to Kingston in Jamaica.

Money intended to benefit the letter-carriers should be enclosed in an envelope addressed to any friend of the writer. By registering the letter, the liberal object will be defeated.

CATECHISM OF POLITICS FOR THE FRENCH.

Q. How do you define politics?

A. It is the science of constructing new governments; the first step to which is the destruction of the existing one.

Q. In what do we make it chiefly to consist?

A. In abusing our neighbours, and quarrelling amongst ourselves.

Q. To what do we generally apply ourselves in peace?

A. In insulting the English.

Q. How are we occupied in war?

A. In being beaten by the English.

Q. How do we profit by war?

A. It gives us material for clap-traps on the stage.

Q. How do we profit by defeat?

A. In calling it a victory.

Q. How do we maintain our boast that we are the most ingenious nation on the earth?

A. By employing the ingenuity of Englishmen in all our great public works.

POETICAL CALENDAR,
AND
CHRONOLOGY FOR THE YEAR 1843.

JANUARY.

This month its name distinctly traces

Unto the god that has two faces:

From which we fairly may assume

It should be sacred now to Brough'm.

5th. Further decline in the revenue; the decline being caused by a want of consumption.

26th. A million tons of chalk dislodged by gunpowder from the cliffs at Dover. The price of milk, nevertheless, remained as usual.

FEBRUARY.

From Februa (meaning "pure") this month doth claim

To take its very classic Roman name.

Parliament's meeting in this month, I'm sure,

Is a mistake—What's that to do with "pure?"

15th. Intelligence received from Captain Ross, who had been to join a very select circle at the Antarctic.

21st. The trustees of a life-boat at North Shields fined ten shillings for bringing some clothes to shore; it being decided that such boats are not to be used to bring clothes to any one in possession of life, but only to prevent any one's life from being brought to a close.

24th. Great curling match at Eglinton Castle, which Lord Eglinton won by nine shots. The curling was not tried upon hare.

MARCH.

This month, called March, from Mars, is full of bluster,

For Boreas doth his windy forces muster.

Mars and old Boreas give mutual shocks;

One sending equal blows, the other EQUI-KNOCKS.

1st. Dr. Candlish lectured at London Wall amidst great confusion. The congregation not being in a candle-ish humour, refused to be enlightened.

7th. Lord Teynham moved in the Lords for the abrogation of the clause in the Poor Law Bill separating man and wife. The motion was lost, several of the peers declaring the clause to be very beneficial to both parties.

25th. The Thames Tunnel opened, and the public let in; the privilege being no longer confined to the shareholders.

APRIL.

Whether this month to Flora or to Ceres

The Romans gave, admits of many queries.

Aperio is "to open:" this suggestion

Proves 'twas intended for an open question:

1st. Public curiosity excited by the announcement of the invention of an Aerial Ship. It was predicted that the ship would fall to the ground; but it never rose high enough to allow of the prediction being verified.

12th. The Servian question settled by the Russian cabinet stipulating for a new sovereign. The old sovereign had not sufficient weight, being, probably, one of the light sovereigns that a proclamation had been previously directed against.

25th. The prizes of the Art-Union drawn at Drury Lane Theatre; and Her Majesty presented the nation on the same day with a prize—in the shape of another princess.

MAY.

May formerly was sacred to Apollo:

The ancients little thought of what would follow,—

That May—descending to the lowest deeps—

Should e'er by fate become the fête of sweeps!

1st. A molar tooth extracted from a person during mesmeric sleep. He retained his unconsciousness in spite of his teeth.

16th. The Greenwich peerage became extinct by the giving way of the stone structure. The slates on the roof remained firm to the last, and behaved like bricks.

25th. Sir Valentine Blake moved for leave to bring in a Bill to restore the Irish Parliament. The motion not being seconded, he took leave of his own accord, and withdrew.

JUNE.

Juno and June so nearly are the same, One from the other must have got its name. The sign is Cancer, "crab:" and all admit That Juno's crabbed temper it would fit.

19th. The judges replied to the questions of the House of Lords on monomania, to the effect that partial insanity does not affect legal responsibility; which settled the question whether Lord Brougham could be considered legally responsible to the Birds, supposing they had brought an action against him.

30th. The Bill for the "Mutual Surrender of Criminals" read a second time in the House of Lords, but no allusion was made to the question, whether the English dramatists would be liable to be given up—as arrant thieves—to the French authorities.

JULY.

This month Quintilis, or "the fifth," was reckoned,

Till Julius Cæsar gave a first and second:

From which arrangement it at once appears

That Julius Cæsar has prolonged our years.

15th. Father Mathew arrived at Liverpool, and the tide rose unusually high, the water obtaining an extraordinary state of elevation.

23rd. O'Connell holds a repeal meeting at Tuam, and his exhortations on the subject of rent prove that he understands the interest of meum as well as that of tuum.

AUGUST.

Augustus Cæsar, seized by love of fame,

Gave to this seasonable month his name.

To Ceres it was dedicated: ergo,

Its sign zodiacal, of course, was Virgo.

28th. The Queen and Prince Albert embark on a marine excursion, and the sea puts on the smoothest face possible.

31st. The Agricultural Improvement Society meet at Belfast. Several members exhibited much ground for improvement.

SEPTEMBER.

From septem "seven," and from himber, "shower."

Because September pours with all its power,

The month derives its title, it is plain,

From the small fact that rain began its reign.

2nd. The Queen arrives at Tréport, and the King of Hanover leaves England. These auspicious events are hailed with much rejoicing.

5th. The Antarctic expedition arrives at Deal, having been four years abroad. Captain Ross had ascertained the fact that there is but one magnetic pole in the southern hemisphere—a result that was arrived at by applying an ordinary darning needle to the pole, which turned out not to be magnetic.

21st. Mr. O'Connor, of Inch, proposed that the repealers should pay rent no longer; but the policy of this not being a-pa-rent, the motion was negatived.

OCTOBER.

October has its name from octo, "eight,"

Though 'tis the tenth p'rhaps 'tis as well to state.

Such sixes and such sevens the months were knocked to,

That ten became translated into octo.

4th. News arrived of the loss of the overland mail, and the persons expecting their correspondence left in a state of unlettered ignorance.

25th. Nomination of candidates for the City. Mr. Baring put up with Mr. Pattison; but the electors refusing to put up with Mr. Baring, put him down in Mr. Pattison's favour.

NOVEMBER.

Our Saxon fathers, be it understood,

Used in this month to kill and salt their food.

The modern practice is the other way,

Namely, to eat it all on Lord Mayor's Day.

9th. Alderman Magnay elected Mayor. Magna est veritas. Wood if he could.

DECEMBER.

This month, at last, time's annual circle fills,

But empties pockets with its Christmas bills!

The prickly holly every place adorns,

Showing that Christmas pleasures have their thorns.

THE OMNIBUS CONDUCTORS' LAMENT.

Such meddling sure was never known,

We wish we could be left alone;

Why could they not contented rest

With placing badges on our breast?

There's none that could with patience bear

His heart upon his sleeve to wear

But we are taken by the throats,

Made to unbosom on our coats;

And the conductors' badge must be

The badge of shameful slavery.

But now another act they've passed,

More cruel even than the last;

It says we shall not dare to race

But only go a certain pace.

Oh! have we not been always taught

That racing is a noble sport?

Unless with energy we drive,

Our horses can't be kept alive.

But Parliament goes on to say

We shall not loiter on the way

'Twixt one and t'other can we know

The rate at which we ought to go?

'Tis hard to say, 'twixt this and that

What Parliament is driving at.

And then—'tis quite beyond a joke,

We're even not allowed to smoke;

What right has Parliament to say

That fashion's laws we shan't obey?

They'll tell us next, 'tis like enough,

They will not have us up to snuff;

'Tis most unjust to treat us thus,

And be so busy with each bus!

THE
COMIC ALMANACK
For 1845.

A SHORT TREATISE ON TIDES.

The tides have baffled the ingenuity of some of our greatest philosophers, though Halley was more successful than any one else in his attempts to get to the bottom of them.

If we were disposed to go deeply into the tides, we should require the reader to follow us through a variety of mysterious hieroglyphics, which we are sure would be unintelligible to the majority. Dashes, crosses, circles, and triangles would be scattered over the perplexing page in profusion, while the only result might be, that as 0 is to a hyphen, so would be a couple of asterisks.

We, therefore, prefer leaving the study of the tides to those whose taste for the subject would lead them to a practical acquaintance with it, which may be picked up anywhere up or down the river.

THE ECLIPSES FOR 1845.

On the 6th of May there will be an eclipse of the sun; but whose son it is to be the almanack does not mention.

On the 24th of March there will be a total eclipse of the moon, only visible in London. A rabid leader will appear in the "Nationale," and the feelings of the editor will quite run away with him, on account of Paris being eclipsed on this occasion by le perfide London.

On the 30th of October there will be a total eclipse of the Horse Guards' illuminated clock by a tremendous fog. This eclipse is expected to give such satisfaction, that it has already been announced for repetition on the following evening; but after the 31st the fog will be dropt.

On the 13th of November there will be a partial eclipse of the sun—that is to say, the eclipse will show its partiality by being only visible to those in a high station, who look up to it. It will first show itself to Primrose Hill about four seconds after eight, A.M. It will look in upon Professor Airy at the Greenwich Observatory about five minutes after nine.

There will be a number of eclipses in the political world next year; but we do not intend to throw any light upon them. No doubt Lord John Russell will do his best to eclipse Sir Robert Peel, and that eccentric planet, Brougham, will strive as much as he can to eclipse Campbell, and throw him completely into the shade.

TWELFTH NIGHT.

"TWELFTH-NIGHT: OR, WHAT YOU WILL."

Hail to the Twelfth-Night King! whose reign

Is short, but truly merry;

His ministers are cake, champagne,

Hot negus, port, and sherry.

His subjects are the young and gay.

Who their allegiance own;

Over the drawing-room is his sway—

An easy-chair his throne.

It once was very truly said,

By poet of renown;

Somewhat uneasy is the head

That's doomed to wear a crown.

The Twelfth-Night King is free from care,

No crown his ease can balk;

'Tis much too small for him to wear—

That little crown of chalk.

No cares of state before him rise,

No treaties, but a treat;

Sugar in every shape and guise,

Gives sweets unto his suite.

Hostilities he need not dread,

Like some in regal stations;

A Twelfth-Night King is at the head

Of friendliest relations.

FACTS THAT DO NOT COME WITHIN THE RECOLLECTION
OF THE OLDEST INHABITANT.

The invasion of England by the Prince de Joinville.

The liberty of the French press.

A ministry of one year's duration in Spain.

The presentation of the accounts of St. Stephen's, Walbrook.

A good engraving from the Art-Union.

A fine day in Glasgow.

HOROSCOPES MADE EASY TO THE MEANEST
CAPACITY

Of course every one knows that horoscopes are divisible into twelve classes, and that one of the twelve Signs of the Zodiac is at the head of each class. With this information any one with the aid of the following learned treatise will be able to cast his own nativity or that of any other person.

The first sign of the Zodiac is

LIBRA,

Which formerly belonged to a person of the name of Themis, but was taken from her for using false weights, and hung up, as a warning to tradesmen, among the constellations. Who at present holds them Lemprière omits to say. The Libra are uppermost in the Zodiac from the 22nd of September to the 21st of October; consequently, any one born during that period is put into the scales and weighed accordingly. Churchwardens who cannot balance their accounts, and Ramo Samees who can balance anything, are generally born under the sign of Libra. It favours also young ladies who hear from Joseph Ady, and are blest with a large balance at their bankers.

The second on the list is

SCORPIO,

Whose malice and sting come into play from the last-mentioned date, and penetrate everywhere up to the 21st November.

Sheriffs' officers, lawyers, stage-door keepers, and anthropophagi, are always born under this constellation.

SAGITTARIUS

Comes next. Old Chiron, the Nimrod of his day, dwells at this Sign of the Zodiac. He was put in possession of it by Jupiter for having taught Achilles how to pull the long-bow. He favours Derby sweeps and the Epping Hunt, but his patronage cannot be of much value to the latter, as his influence is only good from the 22nd of November to the 21st of December.

The protégé of Sagittarius is generally fond of hunting the slipper and shooting the moon. He is known by his carpet bag, stuffed with bricks and straw. He sports a moustache, but never shows any tip.

The fourth sign is

CAPRICORNUS,

Who was originally Jupiter's wet-nurse. His lease of the Zodiac extends to the 21st of January, after which he is obliged to pull in his horns.

This constellation is noted for the number of stupid people who are born under it. They believe everything they see advertised, and put their trust in pills and Moses and Son. They are mostly called "Gents." They spend their money in Coal-holes, and smoke a kind of cabbage called "cheroot." They abound at promenade concerts, and on the tops of omnibuses and paddle-boxes on Sundays.

FLYING ARTILLERY.

Capricornus, when he has finished going the Circuit of the Zodiac, is succeeded by

AQUARIUS,

Or the Watering-pot. Aquarius is only allowed to reign till the 21st of February. The former name of this Sign was Ganymede, who was taken up for sheep-stealing by an eagle, who was noted for being the first beak of his day. He was carried before Jupiter, who condemned him to pour out the nectar at a free-and-easy, of which he was chairman, in Olympus; but upon being detected mixing the grog of the gods, who always took their liquor neat, Ganymede was, in consequence of his foolish propensity to cold water, sentenced to take the sobriquet of Aquarius, which, before the Flood, was the Latin for Father Mathew.

Aquarius is the patron Sign of Vauxhall, which he makes his residence during the summer months. Temperance and Teetotal people are born under his benignant favour. Doctors, too, are his children owing to their liberal use of aqua pompaginis. One half of the London milk is supplied to the metropolis by Aquarius.

PISCES

Makes up the half-dozen of the constellations. Fish in the Zodiac, it seems, comes into season about the 22nd of February, but will not keep after the 22nd of March. Very little is known about the private history of these strange Pisces; they are supposed to have been a couple of John Dorys, who, Neptune having advertised in "Lloyd's List" for a wife, introduced Amphitrite, a Wapping lady, to share his oyster-bed with him. Neptune in return, gave the Pisces the entire swim of the Zodiac, where, if Aquarius did not brandish his watering-pot right and left about him for a month before them, they would have nothing but currents of air and thorough drafts to swim in. This would have made them feel very much like fishes out of water. The Pisces look after picnics and ministerial white-bait dinners.

ARIES

Makes his triumphal entry into the circus of the Zodiac on the 20th of March, and keeps on the move till the 21st of April. He was the original proprietor of the Golden Fleece, but having, from his hasty temper, got into Chancery, he was fleeced, and then locked up for life in the Zodiac. He encourages the breed of April fools, and looks after Chancellors and lawyers that they may have abundance of clients.

TAURUS

Is the prototype of John Bull, who crossed the British Channel with a pair of corks, and, landing at Calais, carried off Europe, or Europa. Young France has often attempted to take this bull by the horns; but, as Old Moore quaintly expresses it, "Y^e puppyes aint yett buorn thatt can baitte y^e Johnn Bull." Taurus looks after the Spanish Legion and the Lumber Troop, and gives them their indomitable valour. Sir Robert Peel was born under this constellation, which accounts for his having offered his constituents at Tamworth a Bull. Taurus superintends the bulls that are kept in the Vatican at Rome; and all Irishmen who are born between the 22nd of April and 21st of May, are under his influence. Taurus frequently shows himself at fairs and market-days, when, if the weather is at all hot, he will toss any one for a cool hundred at heads or tails.

GEMINI

Are nine, though properly only two, in the order of Signs. Castor and Pollux are the twins alluded to. Their berth in the constellations they received from Jupiter, and very naturally too, as he was their father. Their mother was Leda, a regular Spartan, but no relation to the present member for Westminster. The saying of "What a shocking bad hat!" was first applied to Castor. Beggarwomen, who exhibit two children on a door step, very unlike one another, are relieved under the lucky star of the Twins. Castor and Pollux go on very well till the 21st of June, when, as it is longest day in the year, they generally get tired of one another's company, and do not come together again for a twelvemonth.

CANCER

Is a very bad Sign, indeed. It first attacked Hercules when he was attempting to come Van Amburgh over the Hydra. Hercules did not take the Cancer very much to heart, however; but, with one blow, packed him off to Heaven, where, there being a place vacant at the time in the Zodiac, the Cancer was sworn into it, and has filled it very creditably ever since. Cancer sometimes puts the seasons out of order, by thinking he is a crab, and walking accordingly, which is always the case when the summer is a little backward.

LEO

Is the next that comes upon the tapis of the Zodiac. It is the same Leo whom Hercules got over in the forest of Ardennes, by means of animal magnetism, having thrown him into a state of coma, with a few passes of his club. This made the second candidate Hercules returned to the Zodiac Parliament. England (not the Young—but the Old) was born under the protection of the Lion, who, for this reason, is always called by orators the "British Lion," and painted on signboards, giving his paw to the British arms, in friendly confab with the British Unicorn. Mr. Carter, the greatest Lion tamer since Hercules, was born during this month; and young dandies and authors, who patronize tea-parties, are called "Lions."

VIRGO

Comes last. She rises every year on the 22nd of August, and goes to bed, in her golden palace of the East, on the 21st of September.

ODE TO LOVE.
WRITTEN ON ST. VALENTINE'S DAY.

Oh, Love! how potent is thy sway;

Thou'rt terrible indeed to most men!

But once a year there comes a day,

When thou tormentest chiefly postmen.

Oh, hard indeed the lot must be,

Of him who wears thy galling fetters!

But e'en more miserable he

Who must go round with all thy letters!

When at the door our vision greets

The postman, as he knocking stands;

The hearts of half-a-dozen streets,

Perchance he carries in his hands.

It seems a profanation quite,

That all the sentimental touches

Which lovers hit on when they write,

Should be within a postman's clutches.

Must the affections of the heart,

To trade with which no lover fancies,

Be then degraded to a part

Of England's national finances?

Must all that love has fondly said,

Freely, with no reserve to cramp it,

Require a little square Queen's head

To give it currency and stamp it?

Must sentiment extremely fine

Be down the area rudely cast;

The postman bawling, "Valentine!"

While in the act of going past?

But love will lay the highest low,

Make some, despairing, seek the river

To drown themselves; while many a beau

At sight of Cupid's dart will quiver.

SENTIMENTS FOR THE STAGE.

FOR A BRITISH TAR.

The lubber who would strike a lovely woman in distress is unworthy of the name of T. P. Cooke.

FOR A PRIMA DONNA.

Ah, Ferdinand! when treading the field of battle, when reaping laurels for thy noble brow; when in the hour of triumph or of revelry, thou art far from her who loves thee, still thou wilt think of Carolina, and madly recollect, "She wore a wreath of roses." Sings—

"She wore a wreath of roses."

FOR LORD COLLINGWOOD AT ASTLEY'S.

Go, tell Admiral Tomkins to spare no time in bringing the enemy's ships to surrender! Go, tell Ensign Sir Hildebrand Smith instantly to board the 90-gun frigate; and let the memorable words of our noble admiral ring with electric shouts through the entire British fleet, that "England expects every man this day will do his duty."

FOR A HEROINE OF DOMESTIC DRAMA.

Take thy gold, base lord, and know that the heart which truly loves, though beating in the humble breast of a housemaid, would sooner die on the rack of the Inquisition first, than wear the velvet robe of infamy. From my heart I spurn you.—[Throws purse at his feet.]

FOR A GENEROUS BROKER.

Come dry up your tears, Missus; and as long as I have a crust, or a roof, in the house, you are welcome to share it with me—for the man who is not affected when a lovely woman cries is a heartless wretch, who deserves to walk through life branded with infamy.

FOR A CONSCIENCE-STRICKEN STEWARD.

Ah! that picture. It reminds me of a long-lost daughter. In moments of darkness it has smiled upon me, and seemed to say, "True happiness is in our own minds. It is not purchased by riches, or dependent on fraud. It is only acquired by virtue, but shrinks abashed from vice." Ah! the picture smiles again! The eyes beam on me—the nostrils dilate—the mouth speaks—everything counsels me to be good. Yes! I will return my ill-begotten wealth, and henceforth strive to become that noblest work of Nature, an honest man.—[Falls down before the picture and weeps.]

THE DAY AFTER—"St. Patrick's Day in the morning."

THE REASON FOR FUDDLING ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY,

I've often heard it asked by many,

Why on St. Patrick's Day

Poor Paddies will expend their only penny,

Moistening their thirsty clay:

There is no record that the saint was given

To that strong "dew," which smacks of earth—not heaven.

Yet, stop!

'Tis said, in a profane effusion

Of some old villain,

That Patrick's mother, to the Saint's confusion,

Kept in Inniskillin

A sheebeen shop;

But this I honestly believe's abuse,

Invented by some faithless boozing sinner,

Who wanted anything as an excuse

To take his fourteenth tumbler after dinner.

The saint I'm certain was a saint devout,

Drinking the purling stream quite "cold without;"

In fact he'd taken the teetotal pledge:

For what cared he for whisky, port, or sherries,

Who ate his hunk of bacon 'neath a hedge,

From which he plucked a poor dessert of berries?

Because

Red hips and haws

Are not like filberts, and their attendant salt,

Those strong provocatives to make men "malt."

The only cause that I could e'er discover,

Why on the anniversary of St. Pat.

Your true Milesian will get half-seas-over

(And sometimes more than that),

Is—and the reason's simpler than you think it—

Whilst any man,

Like Kinahan,

Brews L L whisky—somebody must drink it.

LONDON IMPROVEMENTS.

Improvement, hail! Thy busy hand

To court or alley gives no quarter;

Against thee nothing now can stand:

Thou art too strong for bricks and mortar.

Before the parapets and tiles,

Houses and streets promiscuous fall;

Thou hast so altered old St. Giles,

Few now would know him, by St. Paul.

The gallant captains, Parry, Ross,

Each made the trial once or twice,

To take a desperate cut across

Some awful blocks of thick-ribbed ice.

"No thoroughfare," did nature cry,

So Ross and Parry homewards flew:

London Improvement doth defy

Each cul de sac, and cuts it through.

At parlour, factory, or shop,

At public entrance, private door,

Or window e'en, it does not stop,

But rudely pushes more and more.

Improvement, too, performs a task,

Worthy a scientific hand;

Turns sand into the sugar cask,

Thus into sugar turning sand.

OPENING OF THE ROYAL EXCHANGE.

Days have been often big with fate,

But ne'er was day so big of yore,

As the October twenty-eight,

In eighteen hundred forty-four.

That day will memorable be,

When taken in by history's range;

For on it thousands went to see

Victoria open the Exchange.

Serene was the morning,

And plenty of gravel

Was spread on the road

Which the Queen had to travel.

Busy policemen far and wide

Were spread upon the pavement's side;

Who oft the truncheon bravely drew

'Gainst those who would the line break through.

At length her Majesty appears,

Amid enthusiastic cheers;