SCENE VII
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA and PODKHALYÚZIN
PODKHALYÚZIN. Ah! Ustinya Naúmovna! It's been ages since I've seen you, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. How are you, dear soul! How've you been?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Oh, able to be around, ma'am.
[He sits down.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I'll capture a little mamzelle for you if you want me to.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Thank you kindly—I don't need one yet.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. If you don't want one yourself, my jewel, I'll do a good turn for your friends. I suppose you have friends around town, a whole pack.
PODKHALYÚZIN. I have quite a few, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, if you have, thank the Lord! If you know of a marriageable man, whether he's a bachelor, unmarried, or a widower—drag him straight to me.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Will you find him a wife?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. I will. Why shouldn't I find him a wife? I'll do it in a jiffy.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's very fine, ma'am, But now I ask you, Ustinya Naúmovna, why do you come here to us so confoundedly often?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's that to you? Why shouldn't I come? I'm no thief, no sheep without a name. What do you mean by that question?
PODKHALYÚZIN. But, really, aren't you wasting your time coming?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Wasting my time? Where did you get that idea, my jewel? Just see here, what sort of a husband I've found: an aristocrat, has peasants, and a fine young man.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why has the thing come to a halt, ma'am?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. It hasn't come to a halt! He wanted to come to-morrow to get acquainted. So we'll hitch him up, and it'll all be over.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Hitch him up, try it—he'll give you the slip.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's the matter, are you in your right mind, my jewel?
PODKHALYÚZIN. You'll see!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. May I die before to-night, but you're either drunk, my jewel, or you've wandered clean out of your head.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Be so good as not to trouble yourself about that; you look out for yourself; but I know what I know.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, what do you know?
PODKHALYÚZIN. No matter what I know, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. If you know something, tell me what it is: I suppose your tongue won't fall off.
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's the point of the thing—that I can't tell it.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why can't you? Why do you hesitate to tell me, my jewel?
Go ahead, talk—it doesn't matter what it is.
PODKHALYÚZIN. It's not a matter of conscience. But if I tell you, of course you'll go and blab!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Curst if I do! You may chop off my hand!
PODKHALYÚZIN. That's it, ma'am; a promise is better than money.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Of course. Well, what do you know?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Here's what, Ustinya Naúmovna: isn't it possible to throw over that suitor you've found, ma'am?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. What's the matter with you; are you gone daft?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Gone daft nothing, ma'am! But if you want to have a heart-to-heart talk, honor bright, ma'am; then here's the sort of thing it is, ma'am: at my house there's a certain Russian merchant I know, who is very much in love with Olimpiáda Samsónovna, ma'am. "No matter what I have to give," says he, "so long as I get married," says he; "I shan't grudge any sum."
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Why didn't you tell me about that before, my jewel?
PODKHALYÚZIN. There was nothing to tell for the good reason that I only just now found out about it, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But it's late now, my jewel!
PODKHALYÚZIN. And what a suitor he is, Ustinya Naúmovna! He'll shower you with gold from head to foot, ma'am; he'll have a cloak made for you out of live sables.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But, my dear, it's impossible! I'd be tickled to death, but I've given my word.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Just as you please, ma'am! But if you betroth her to the other fellow, you'll bring such bad luck upon yourself, that you'll not get clear afterwards!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But just consider yourself, how'll I have the nerve to show my face before Samsón Sílych? I gave it to him hot and heavy: that the fellow is rich, and handsome, and so much in love that he is half dead; and now what'll I say? You know yourself what a fellow Samsón Sílych is; you see he'll pull my cap over my ears before you know it.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Pull your cap nothing, ma'am!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. And I've got the girl all worked up. Twice a day she sends to me and asks: "What's the matter with my suitor?" and, "What's he like?"
PODKHALYÚZIN. But don't you run away from your own good fortune, Ustinya Naúmovna. Do you want two thousand rubles and a sable cloak for merely arranging this wedding, ma'am? But let our understanding about the match be private. I tell you, ma'am, that this suitor's such a sort as you've never seen; there's only one thing, ma'am: he's not of aristocratic origin.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But is she an aristocrat? Pity if she is, my jewel! That's the way things go these days: every peasant girl is trying to worm her way into the nobility.—Now, although this here Olimpiáda Samsónovna—of course, God give her good health—gives presents like a princess, yet, believe me, her origin's no better than ours. Her father, Samsón Sílych, dealt in leather mittens on the Balchug; respectable people called him Sammy, and fed him with thumps behind the ears. And her mother, Agraféna Kondrátyevna, was little more than a peasant girl, and he got her from Preobrazhénskoye. They got together some capital, climbed into the merchant class—so the daughter has her eye peeled for the title of princess. And all that through money. How much worse am I than she? Yet I have to trot at her heels. God knows what kind of bringing-up she's had: she walks like an elephant crawls on his belly; whether French or piano, it's a bit here and a bit there, and there's nothing to it; and when she starts to dance—I have to stuff a handkerchief in my mouth.
PODKHALYÚZIN. But, look here—it'd be more proper for her to marry a merchant.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. But how'll I stand with the first suitor, my jewel? I've already assured him that Olimpiáda Samsónovna is such a beauty, that she's the real ticket for him; "and educated," I said, "in French, and is trained in all sorts of society ways." And now what am I going to say to him?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Why, just tell him also: "Now, she is a beauty, and cultivated in a good many ways; only they've lost all their money." And he'll break off himself!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, now, that's so, my jewel! But, no, wait! You see I told him that Samsón Sílych is rolling in money.
PODKHALYÚZIN. See here, you talk too much. But how do you know how much money Samsón Sílych has; you haven't counted it, have you?
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Ask anybody you please; every one knows that Samsón
Sílych is the richest sort of merchant.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Yes! Much you know! But what'll happen when, after you've engaged a man of standing, Samsón Sílych won't give any money? Afterwards the fellow'll come up and say, says he: "I'm no merchant, that you can cheat me out of the dowry!" Furthermore, like a man of standing he'll file a complaint at court, because a man of standing has his own way everywhere, ma'am; then Samsón Sílych and I'll be ruined, and there'll be no getting out of it for you. Here, you yourself know you can cheat anybody of our sort out of a dowry, that'll work; but just try to fool a man of standing, and you'll not get away with it afterwards.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. That's enough trying to scare me! You've muddled my head completely.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Here, take these hundred rubles in silver as earnest-money, and give us your hand on it, ma'am.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. And you say, my jewel, two thousand rubles and a sable cloak?
PODKHALYÚZIN. Exactly so, ma'am. Be at rest on that score!—And you'll put on that sable cloak, Ustinya Naúmovna, and you'll go out walking—why, anybody will think you're a general's wife.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Do you think so? Well, now, indeed! When I put on that sable cloak, I'll look my perkiest, with my hands by my sides; then your bearded friends will stare with their mouths wide open. They'll get to sighing so that you couldn't stop them with a fire engine; the women will all turn up their noses from jealousy.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Just so, ma'am!
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Give me the earnest-money! Here goes!
PODKHALYÚZIN. But, Ustinya Naúmovna, you're doing this of your own free will; don't back out.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Back out, what for? Just look: two thousand rubles, and a sable cloak!
PODKHALYÚZIN. I tell you, we'll make it out of live sables. There's nothing more to be said.
USTÍNYA NAÚMOVNA. Well, good-by, my emerald! I'll run off now to the suitor. We'll see each other to-morrow, and then I'll report to you.
PODKHALYÚZIN. Wait a minute! Where're you going! Just follow me—we'll just take a drink of vodka, ma'am. Tishka! Tishka! [Enter TISHKA] You keep a lookout, and if you see the boss coming, run for me straight off.
[They go out.