THE TWO QUESTIONS
SCENE I
TIME: when John was King of England.
PLACE: King John's palace.
KING JOHN.
ABBOT.
KNIGHT.
JESTER.
LORDS AND LADIES.
[KING JOHN sits on his throne. A KNIGHT stands before him. Back of him are the LORDS, the LADIES, and the JESTER.]
KING. Now, what is this you say?
KNIGHT. I saw it all, your Majesty.
KING. You say one hundred men sit down to dine with him?
KNIGHT. Yes, your Majesty, every day.
KING. And fifty knights in velvet coats do wait on him?
KNIGHT. They bring him food on golden plates.
JESTER. Your Majesty does not eat on golden plates!
KING. I cannot afford it.
JESTER. Ha, ha! The king's Abbot lives better than the king!
KING. Be silent, Jester! Sir Knight, go bring this Abbot to me.
[The Knight bows and goes.]
JESTER. The Abbot is the real king! Now who is John, ladies? Who is John, lords? Truly, who are you, John?
[All laugh. Enter the KNIGHT and ABBOT.]
KING. Abbot, I hear strange things about you.
ABBOT. Your Majesty! How can that be?
KING. 'Tis said that every day you have one hundred men to dine with you.
ABBOT. Oh, your Majesty, they are only friends.
KING. No matter who they are!
JESTER. 'Tis not their names! 'Tis what they eat!
LORDS. Ha, ha!
LADIES. Ha, ha!
KING. 'Tis said that fifty knights in velvet coats do wait on you!
ABBOT. Well, your Majesty, I—
KING (interrupting). Do I have fifty knights to wait on me?
ABBOT. Well, your Majesty, I—
[He stops in confusion.]
JESTER. Are eggs brought to us on golden plates? Not so! Not an egg!
KING. You spend more money, sir, than I do! How do you dare to do so?
ABBOT. 'Tis my own money, Sire—
KING. 'Tis not your money! Everything in this land belongs to me! You shall go to prison, sir!
ABBOT (falling on his knees). Oh, say not so, dear King! Oh, say not so!
KING. Well, I will let you off if you will answer me two questions.
ABBOT. Ask as many as you like, dear King.
KING. First, you must tell me how long I shall live.
[The Abbot is silent.]
JESTER. Go on, John! Ask as many as you like!
KING. Then, Abbot, you must tell me what I think.
ABBOT. Your questions, Sire, are deep and hard.
KING. Answer them, or go to prison.
ABBOT. I pray you for some time to think!
KING. I will give you just two weeks. If you cannot answer then, I'll have your head cut off. And then I'll take your lands and palaces.
JESTER. And your knights and golden plates!
ABBOT (in a trembling voice). In two weeks I will return, Sire.
KING. Two weeks and not a day longer! Go!
SCENE II
TIME: two weeks later; morning.
PLACE: the Abbot's palace.
ABBOT.
FIRST PROFESSOR.
SECOND PROFESSOR.
SHEPHERD.
[The PROFESSORS look through very large books.]
ABBOT. Look well for the answers, friends. Look long, look deep, look well.
FIRST PROFESSOR (closing book). I cannot find the answers here.
SECOND PROFESSOR (closing book). I cannot find them in my book.
ABBOT. Have you looked in other books?
FIRST PROFESSOR. We have looked in every book.
SECOND PROFESSOR. In every book, in every house, in every town.
ABBOT. Alas! Alas! What shall I do? What shall I do?
FIRST PROFESSOR. Go to the king and tell him all.
ABBOT. And then I'll lose my head!
SECOND PROFESSOR. Yes, I fear you'll lose your head.
FIRST PROFESSOR. I am sorry, Abbot, I wish that I might help you.
SECOND PROFESSOR. I am sorry too, friend Abbot. And I do wish the same.
ABBOT. You both have tried your best. Farewell.
(The Professors bow and go.)
Alas! Alas! Alas! Alas!
[Enter the SHEPHERD.]
SHEPHERD. Good-day to you, good Abbot!
ABBOT. Ah, Shepherd, I am glad to see you. How goes it in your village?
SHEPHERD. We do nothing there but laugh since your visit to us, sir. We laugh all day and half the night.
ABBOT. Now why do you do that?
SHEPHERD. Because, sir, I look so much like you. At least, they think so in our village.
ABBOT. Why, that is true, you do. Well, what can I do for you?
SHEPHERD. I have heard about the two questions, sir. I have come to help you.
ABBOT. How can you help me? Speak!
SHEPHERD. I will go to the king in your place. He will think that I am you.
ABBOT. Can you answer the two questions?
SHEPHERD. Only the king himself can say. Now give me your gown and cap and golden staff, dear Abbot.
ABBOT. Well, I will let you try.
(Gives his gown and cap to the Shepherd, who puts them on and then takes the staff.)
You truly seem to be myself, good Shepherd!
SHEPHERD. I hope the king will think so.
ABBOT. Suppose he will not take your answers?
SHEPHERD. Then he will take my head.
ABBOT. No, good Shepherd, I'll take my own head up to him for that. Now go, and bear my blessing with you.
[He lifts his hand. The Shepherd bows his head.]
SCENE III
TIME: the same day; afternoon.
PLACE: King John's palace.
KING JOHN.
ABBOT (REALLY THE SHEPHERD).
KNIGHT.
JESTER.
LORDS AND LADIES.
[The KING sits on his throne. The LORDS, LADIES, and JESTER stand near. Enter a KNIGHT.]
KNIGHT. The Abbot begs to see you, Sire.
KING. Ah, he has come, has he?
KNIGHT. Yes, your Majesty, he waits without.
KING. Bid him enter.
[The Knight goes.]
JESTER. Will the Abbot take his head back with him? I'll give you two guesses, ladies! I'll give you two guesses, lords!
[Enter the KNIGHT and the SHEPHERD dressed as the ABBOT.]
ABBOT. Your Majesty, I am here.
KING. Well, then, tell me how long I shall live.
ABBOT. Sire, you shall live till the day that you die, and not one day longer.
KING. Ha, ha! You are witty, Abbot. Now tell me what I think.
ABBOT. You think I am the Abbot, Sire. I am only his poor Shepherd. Behold!
[He throws off his gown and cap.]
KING. Ha, ha, ha! Truly you are a witty fellow! I like you for it, that I do!
SHEPHERD. Then will you pardon the good Abbot, Sire?
KING. I will pardon the Abbot and let him keep his lands and knights, if you will stay and live here in my court.
JESTER. Yes, stay. Stay and help me jest!
SHEPHERD. I'll stay, and I'll jest whene'er I can. I thank you, King John, I thank you.