THE WISE MEN OF GOTHAM
SCENE I
TIME: one morning.
PLACE: the highroad to Gotham.
| HODGE. | SCRODGE. | |
| PODGE. | KING. | |
| NODGE. | SOLDIERS. |
[Enter HODGE, PODGE, NODGE, and SCRODGE; each carries an ax and each chuckles to himself.]
HODGE. Well, the last tree is down!
PODGE. Down and across the road!
NODGE. Not a horse can get through them!
SCRODGE. How angry it will make the king! Ha, ha!
HODGE. He sent us word he would visit Gotham! Ha, ha!
PODGE. Ha, ha!
NODGE. Ha, ha!
SCRODGE. He would hang us if he knew we cut the trees!
HODGE. And let them fall across the road.
PODGE. He will not know. Not a Gotham man would tell him!
NODGE. Nor a Gotham woman!
SCRODGE. Nor a Gotham child!
HODGE. They have not forgotten what his last visit brought upon them.
PODGE. Everything he saw and liked, he took.
NODGE. And would not pay for it!
SCRODGE. His servants and his soldiers ate the town up.
HODGE. And would not pay for it!
PODGE (looking off). He is coming now! He is on the hill!
SCRODGE. He has his soldiers with him!
NODGE. He must not see us! Come!
[They run off. Enter the KING and SOLDIERS.]
KING. To think that I—a king—should have to walk!
FIRST SOLDIER. Shall I bring the horses up, your Majesty?
KING. Of what use? Look how the road from here is filled with trees!
SECOND SOLDIER. Just as it was back there!
KING. I know! It was done to keep me out of Gotham! I know!
(To Third Soldier.)
Here, you!
THIRD SOLDIER (saluting). Yes, your Majesty.
KING. Get to Gotham, if you have to crawl.
THIRD SOLDIER. Yes, your Majesty.
KING. Tell these men of Gotham I shall come again.
THIRD SOLDIER. Yes, your Majesty.
KING. And when I do—and when I do—[He stops.]
THIRD SOLDIER. Yes, your Majesty?
KING. And when I do, I'll have their noses!
THIRD SOLDIER. Yes, your Majesty.
KING. I'll have the Gotham nose of every Gotham man cut off his Gotham face!
THIRD SOLDIER. Yes, your Majesty.
KING. Go, now, and tell them that!
THIRD SOLDIER (saluting). Yes, your Majesty.
[He goes.]
KING. We will now return the way we came. (He shakes his finger toward Gotham,)
I'll have your noses, that I will!
[He goes with his soldiers.]
SCENE II
TIME: one month later.
PLACE: a field near Gotham.
| HODGE. | KING. | |
| PODGE. | SOLDIERS. | |
| NODGE. | OLD MEN OF GOTHAM | |
| SCRODGE. | YOUNG MEN OF GOTHAM | |
| PETER AND OTHER GOTHAM BOYS. | ||
| POLLIE AND OTHER GOTHAM GIRLS. |
[The OLD MEN, the YOUNG MEN, and the CHILDREN are in the field.]
AN OLD MAN. Well, the king's men have taken all the trees away.
A YOUNG MAN. A good month's work it made them, too!
ANOTHER OLD MAN. And now the king will come again!
PETER. And we shall lose our noses!
POLLIE. I do not wish to lose my nose!
[Enter SCRODGE, running.]
SCRODGE. The king is coming!
[Enter HODGE, running.]
"quick, now—before the king comes"
HODGE. The king is coming!
[Enter PODGE and NODGE, running.]
PODGE and NODGE. The king is coming!
PETER. And we shall lose our noses!
POLLIE. Oh dear! Oh dear! I'll lose my nose!
CHILDREN. Oh dear! We'll lose our noses!
HODGE. Now get you back to Gotham, children! You will not lose your noses.
PODGE. Quick, now—before the king comes!
[The children go, holding their noses.]
NODGE. Now, Gotham men, do you all know what to do?
OLD MEN. Aye! Aye!
YOUNG MEN. Aye! Aye!
[All the men begin to work.]
PODGE. I think this will save our noses.
[Enter the KING and the SOLDIERS.]
KING. Is there a tree left on the road?
FIRST SOLDIER. We took them all away, Sire.
KING (to a soldier.) Then go and get our horses. We will ride into this Gotham town. (The soldier salutes and goes.)
Where do you roll these stones, old men?
AN OLD MAN. Uphill to help the sun rise.
KING. What! To help the sun rise?
OLD MAN. Yes, your Majesty.
KING. Don't you know that the sun will rise without help?
OLD MAN. Will it? Well, well! Who would have thought of that!
KING. You foolish fellows! Well, go on and roll your stones. Now tell me why you grunt, young men?
A YOUNG MAN. Oh, we do the grunting while our fathers do the work.
KING. Ha, ha! Well, go on and grunt. Now what are you men doing?
HODGE. There is a cuckoo here, your Majesty.
KING. What if there is a cuckoo there?
PODGE. We are building a wall around it, Sire?
KING. Why build a wall around it?
NODGE. To keep it from flying away.
KING. Ha, ha! Don't you know that the bird can fly over the wall?
HODGE. Well, well! Who would have thought of that!
NODGE. How very wise you are, Sire!
KING. You foolish fellows! Well, go on and build your wall.
(Enter SCRODGE, carrying a door on his back.)
Where are you going with that door?
SCRODGE. I am going on a journey, Sire.
KING. Why do you carry a door?
SCRODGE. I left my money at home, Sire.
KING. Why didn't you leave the door at home?
SCRODGE. I was afraid of thieves.
KING. Afraid of thieves! And you have taken down your door!
SCRODGE. If I have the door with me, they can't break it open to get in.
KING. You foolish fellow! Why didn't you leave your door at home and carry your money?
SCRODGE. Well, well! Who would have thought of that! How very wise you are, Sire!
KING. Ha, ha, ha! Well, go on and carry your door.
(To Soldiers.)
These Gotham men are foolish. Does it not seem so to you?
SOLDIERS. Aye, Sire!
KING. I'll let them keep their noses. They knew no better than to cut down the trees. Come, we will go away and leave them.
[King and Soldiers go.]
GOTHAM MEN. Ha, ha, ha!