SOME LAUGHABLE STORIES
In this, the last chapter, I should like to give a few anecdotes concerning an eccentric character who was pretty well known in the Keighley district, although he was a native of Flintergill, a village near Kendal. This individual was known as “Kendal,” “Flintergill Billy,” “Three bease an’ a Cow” &c. He was a warpdresser by trade, and for a time worked along with me at Messrs Butterfield Bros.’ Prospect Mill. He often used to tell us that his father had “two bease an’ a cow” on his farm at “Flintergill.” Yes; “Billy” was as queer a chap as one could well imagine—such a specimen as one often reads about in comic almanacs, but seldom sees. At one period of his stay in Keighley, “Billy” lived at Paradise—a row of cottages just below the Prospect Mill. His wife was a weaver in the mill, and one baking day, I remember, she gave her husband strict orders “ta hev t’ fire under t’ oven when she com’ fra her wark.” “Kendal” was working alongside me at warp-dressing, and just before stopping time the thought chanced to strike him that he had to have the fire going. Away home he darted, and on his return he stated, in reply to my question, that he thought all was right. Soon afterwards I happened to ask if he had put the fire under the pan or the oven, and he had to acknowledge that he did not know where he had put it. He set off home again to see how things stood, and lo and behold! he had put the fire under the pan. Now, “Billy” was not blessed with a superabundance of sense, and (perhaps flurried by the thought that if the oven was not ready in time he would “get his ear-hoil weel combed” by his wife) he scaled the fire out of the range, and re-kindled it under the oven with the clothes-pegs. The idea of pushing the fire across under the oven did not seem to occur to poor “Billy’s” brain. The fact remains that he had just got the clothes-pegs nicely alight when in popped his wife . . . For various reasons I draw the curtain over the closing scenes in the little farce.—“Billy” never would allow it to be said that his wife ever bossed him. Indeed it used to be a standing boast with “Kendal” in public-house company that he “could mak’ their Martha dew just as he wanted her; he hed nobbut ta stamp his fooit, an’ shoo did it in a minit.” He was boasting, as usual, one day, when in came “Martha,” and, without any words of explanation, seized her “lord and master” by the hair of the head, and dragged him out of the door. The company fully appreciated the situation, and with one voice shouted, “Stamp, Flintergill, stamp!” But there was no stamping. “Martha” pre-eminently proved her authority as “boss,” whether poor, hen-pecked “Flintergill” came in as “foreman” or “deputy,” or merely “apprentice” or what.—Another remarkable feature about “Flintergill” was that he never came back to his work in the afternoon except that he had had ham, veal, beef, or some other “scrumptious viand” to his dinner. But on one occasion one of his shop-mates detected some flour porridge on his waistcoat. During the afternoon this shop-mate asked “Flintergill” what he had had for dinner. “Duck and green peas,” promptly replied “Kendal.” “Aye,” said the workman, “an’ ther’s a feather o’ thi waistcoit.”—Another side-light on “Kendal’s” character will perhaps be afforded by the following. He went to a certain shoemaker’s in Haworth, and got measured for a pair of boots, which it was arranged should be ready by a stated time. Then he went to another shoemaker’s shop in the village, and was measured for a pair there. The anecdote runs that on the day fixed for the boots to be ready “Flintergill” sent his father-in-law’s daughter to each of the shoemakers, telling her to get “t’reight un fra one, an’ t’left un fra t’other.” In this way, it was “Flintergill’s” frequent boast, he got a pair of boots for nothing.—Another story relates his visit to Bradford. “Flintergill” intended to spend the evening in Pullan’s Music Hall, but he got into the Bowling Green, where there happened to be a waxwork show. “This must be Pullan’s,” said “Flintergill” to his companion; and up they both went on the platform. “Billy” offered his money to the door-keeper, who, however, neither spoke nor held out his hand. “Flintergill” said he “wor a funny door-keeper” and threatened that “if he didn’t tak’ t’ brass they wor bahn in abaht.” And inside “Flintergill” and his friend bounced, to find that the door-keeper was “Tim Bobbin,”—a wax figure.—Still another anecdote says that “Flintergill” was one day seen up a tree sawing off one of the branches. A passer-by asked, “What is ta dewin up theear, Flintergill?” “Oh,” was the reply, “we call this weyvin i’ ahr country.” No sooner were the words spoken than “Flintergill” tumbled to the ground. “Ah see,” said his questioner, very aptly, “an’ tha’s come dahn fer some more bobbins.” It appeared that “Flintergill” had been sawing off the bough on which he was standing.—I will close this series of anecdotes with a reference to the frequency of “Flintergill’s” flittings. He used to say that he had no sooner got into a house than it was wanted for a beer-house or by a railway company. “Flintergill” kept a few hens, and it was said that these hens became so accustomed to the “flittings” that at the first sign of preparations for removing they would roll over on their backs with their legs together ready to be tied.