II
“I lived from infancy in a state of apprehension and fear. In my home there seemed to be always a tension. I don’t know that I ever relaxed there during my waking hours. I was never at peace mentally. This was largely brought about by my mother’s chronic condition of fear. I should not have had such a large development of the fear habit had there been any neutralizing influence. But my father was a weak character, living under fear, being afraid of responsibility, so that my character was closely molded on his. He gave me no moral fiber to resist fears of mother, and so did not help me to build any character of my own. I still carry with me the state of apprehension and fear that I contracted in my early life. I had only one serious illness in my life outside of my nervous troubles. Had an attack of bowel trouble somewhere near the age of six. I was once struck in the face by a dog’s teeth. I have had various cancer experiences.
“My father, when I was very young, had some irritation of the throat. A physician told him he was in danger of cancer. I can recall him anxiously looking at his throat. Later a neighbor went to a ‘plaster specialist’ to have a supposed cancer of the tongue removed. His wife was often at our home talking of his sufferings.
“While attending dental school I contracted some trouble. I went to a physician near where I lived. He talked to me of a possibility of syphilis. I became much frightened, and read all I could find on syphilis. The books scared me still more. At last on the advice of friends, I went to another physician who reassured me, and I lost part of my fear.
“After this I returned home for a summer vacation. This was in 1904. That summer my tongue felt sore, I looked at it, and found it peculiar. This aroused my fears of syphilis. Upon returning to Chicago in the fall (1904) I asked my physician to recommend a specialist. He sent me to a syphilographer, who told me I had no syphilis, but that the condition of my tongue was caused by gall bladder trouble. He wished me to have the gall bladder operated which I refused to do. I thought no more about my tongue until I studied cancer in oral surgery. I would then occasionally worry over my condition. About this time an actor whom I knew died of cancer of the tongue. I worried over my tongue, being afraid of cancer, for several days after this. I then went along for seven or eight years without much thought of my tongue.
“One day in February 1913, after some pain in my side which brought the thoughts of gall bladder and then of the tongue, I asked advice of a physician. He looked at my tongue and said: ‘I don’t wish to frighten you, but you should have that tongue attended to. You might some day have a cancer there.’ He sent me to a throat specialist who said the condition of my tongue was due to a back tooth. I had the tooth removed. I afterwards consulted Dr. L., a surgeon at Eau Claire, Wis., with the idea of having the gall bladder operated upon. He laughed at the gall bladder trouble, but sent me to Battle Creek Sanitarium with the idea, I think, that the change would relieve me of my fears. At Battle Creek I was told I had a mild case of colitis, and was put under treatment for it.
“While at Battle Creek my fears grew less. I remained at Battle Creek about two months. Shortly before leaving there I was given a Wasserman test. This they told me was faintly positive. I was then given three injections of Neo-Salvarsan. I then left Battle Creek and stopped at Chicago to see Dr. P. Dr. P. said any Wasserman would be positive, taken with no more care than mine had been. That there was no reason to think there was any syphilis anyway. He then sent me to Dr. W., an internist, who said I had hyperacidity of the stomach.
“I did not feel very badly at this time, although my fears of cancer persisted. I was carrying on the work in my office. Later in the summer I went to the Mayo Clinic at Rochester, Minn., where I was given a local application for my tongue. In the fall of 1913, while in Milwaukee I consulted an oral surgeon, Dr. B. He said ‘I will send you to Dr. F., a dermatologist who knows more about diseases of the tongue than any man I know.’ I consulted Dr. F. who said: ‘Geographical tongue, do not worry about it.’ My fears were instantly relieved. I seldom thought of my tongue in the next two years.
“In the fall of 1916 I had some trouble with my stomach. This seemed to bring my fears to mind and one day my fear of cancer returned. There was a connection between my fears and the stomach and gall bladder trouble diagnosed in regard to my tongue. At least the stomach trouble would bring thoughts of the tongue condition.
“I tried to help myself out of my mental condition by reading articles on cancer. This made me worse. I went to Chicago where I was told by Dr. S., a dermatologist, that radium might remedy the condition of my tongue. I had several applications of radium. After this I still worried a great deal. I went through the spring and summer under a nervous strain, but still able to carry on my work. That fall (1917) I had such intense fear that I was attacked by acute insomnia. I was unable to sleep without Veronal. The day after my insomnia began I found myself very weak. I was pale, and my heart would pound on the least exertion. I had also a great deal of pain in my bowels. I went to Chicago and consulted Dr. E., Dean of Northwestern University Medical School. He told me such conditions usually traveled in a circle, that my nervous condition might leave me in a few months. I went through the winter in this condition.
“I began to have a great fear of the fact that it was necessary to use hypnotics. This fear of drugs was strong, and overshadowed my other fears. I read an article on hypnotics as a habit; this added to my fear of them.
“Before using hypnotics I noticed my sexual power was less, or rather there was no pleasure in it. This did not trouble me as I thought it a part of my nervous condition.
“In April, 1918, I went again to Battle Creek. I did very well there for a week, but then got into a deep depression, became weak, and was frightened to think I was no better. I remained in Battle Creek for three weeks, and then went home. A month later I went to St. Paul and consulted a neurologist. He did not know what to do for me.
“I went to Milwaukee and consulted another neurologist. I was becoming more despondent all the time. I decided to go to a sanitarium to see if I could not get rid of my drug habit. I went to Wauwatosa, Wis., and remained there three weeks, but I could see they did not know what to do for me.
“In August I entered the Rest Hospital at Minneapolis and remained there for a while under the care of Dr. J. I managed to drag along, terrorized by my condition and by the fact that I could get no relief.
“The drug habit was my greatest obsession at this time. I used bromides and chloral hydrate,—changed hypnotics frequently.
“In January, 1919, I saw Dr. P. of Chicago, who sent me to a sanitarium where I received no help. I then hunted through magazines for articles on nervous diseases. I read of Dr. S. and his work and came under his care at Portsmouth in May, 1919. While there I learned to control my fears. I left Portsmouth in August feeling sure of myself. I would occasionally have a depression which would not frighten me and did not remain with me long. I was looking forward to a happy future.
“During the summer of 1921 I felt tired most of the time. However, I was still sure of being able to handle myself. One day after feeling very tired my fear of cancer returned. I got into a panic and started East to see Dr. S. On arriving in Boston I found he was in the West. I went to Dr. P.’s office; was sent to Dr. W. and by him to a psycho-analyst. The psycho-analyst said I had a ‘mother complex, without usual sexual features.’ Psycho-analysis proved a failure, and I abandoned the treatment with disgust, as useless and silly.”
The patient was under my care for five months. He is now back to his dental work. He writes to me that he is gaining rapidly in weight, and is in excellent condition.