III
“I am a married woman of fifty-two. All my life I have been imprisoned in the dungeon keep of fear. Fear paralyzes me in every effort. If I could once overcome my enemy, I would rejoice forever more.
“In childhood everything cowered me. I was bred in fear. At five or six my mother died, and I feared and distrusted a God who would so intimidate me and bereave me. I heard tales of burglars being discovered hiding under beds, and a terrified child retired nightly for years. I was in agony of fears. My fears I never told. Later I heard of the doctrines of God’s foreknowledge, and, as a little rebel, I would place dishes on the pantry shelves, changing from place to place, and then giving up in despair, knowing that if foreknowledge were true, God knew that I would go through with all that performance.
“Through childhood I feared suicide. It was a world of escape that appealed to me and yet appalled me. I also heard of somnambulism, and I never saw a keen bladed knife, but I dreaded that in my sleep I might do damage to myself or to my friends in a state of unconsciousness.
“In my twenties I did attempt suicide a number of times, but somehow they proved unsuccessful. I always aimed to have it appear an accident. I dreaded to have my death appear as a stain and disgrace to my family which I loved.
“I always fear to walk at any height, on a trestle over running walls, or even to walk on a bridge without side railings.
“As a child I was afraid of the dark, I was afraid of going out on the street in a dark night. In fact, even a moonlight night terrified me when I remained alone. I was afraid to go into dark places, such as cellars, or into lonely places even in the daytime.
“As a child I was always shy, fearful, timid, and self-conscious to a painful degree. Even as a grown-up woman I am often a sufferer from the same cause, although I have sufficient self-control to conceal it.
“I have to be careful of my state of health, as the latter is very delicate. I am a chronic sufferer from indigestion and constipation, although I somehow manage to regulate these troubles.
“When I need my nerves in good control so frequently, they are in a state of utter collapse. My brain is in a state of confusion, in a state of whirl just when I need to think the clearest. My poor brain feels as if a tight band encircled and contracted it. It seems to me as if the brain has shrunken from the temples.
“My memory is unreliable. Often I read quite carefully, but I am unable to recall what I have read. Especially is this so, if called upon without previous warning. My brain goes into a panic of an extremely alarming kind.
“I was told that I was a woman of a good brain and of great talent, that all I needed was to exercise my will and determination, and that I would succeed. I lack concentration and I lack confidence.
“In my childhood hell fire was preached. Fore-ordination and an arbitrary God were held up to my childish comprehension. I was bred in fear, and self destruction resulted.”