THE GERMAN SENATOR
My dear friends and falling citizens:
My heart fills up with vaccination to be disabled to come out here before such an intelligence massage of people and have the chance to undress such a large conglomerated aggravation.
I do not come before you like other political speakers, with false pride in one hand and the Star Strangled Banana in the other.
I come before you as a true, sterilized citizen, a man who is for the public and against the people, and I want to tell you, my 'steemed friends, when I look back on the early hysterics of our country, and think how our forefathers strangled to make this country voss iss is it; when you think of the lives that was loosed and the blood that was shredded, we got to feel a feeling of patriotic symptoms—we got to feel a patriotic symp—symps—you got to feel the patri—you can't help it, you got to feel it.
I tell you, our hearts must fill up with indigestion when we look out to see the Statue of Liberty, the way she stands, all alone, dressed up in nothing, with a light in her hand, showing her freedom.
And what a fine place they picked out for Liberty to stand.
With Coney Island on one side and Blackwell's Island on the other.
And when she stands there now, looking on the country the way it is and what she has to stand for, I tell you tears and tears must drop from her eyes. Well, to prove it—look at the ocean she filled up.
And no wonder she's crying. Read the nuisance papers. See what is going on.
Look what the country owes.
According to the last report of the Secretary of the Pleasury, the
United States owes five billion dollars.
Nobody knows what we owe it for;
And nobody ever sees what we have got for it; [1]
[1] Here begins the "Panama Canal point," referred to in Chapter V. It continues until the "End of Panama Canal Point" footnote below.
First read the monologue including this point, then read it skipping the point—thus you will see, first, what a complete "point" is; second, what "blending" means; and third, how a monologist may shorten or lengthen his routine by leaving out or including a point. [end footnote]
And if you go to Washington, the Capsule of the United States, and ask them, THEY don't even know THEMSELVES.
Then they say, what keeps the country broke is the Pay-no-more
Canal.
It cost the Government nine thousand dollars an hour to dig the canal. THINK OF THAT!
Nine thousand dollars an hour for digging, and the worst of it is, they ain't digging.
Up to date, it has cost a hundred and seventy million dollars to dig a hole—they've been at it for over nine years—and the only hole they've dug is in the United States Treasury.
Every six months, the Chief Engineer, he comes up with a report;
He says: "Mr. Congress, the canal is getting better every day, a million dollars MORE please."
He gets the money, goes out, buys a couple of shovels, then sends back a telegram: HOORAY—The digging is very good, the two oceans will soon be one.
Can you beat that?
Before they started the canal it didn't cost us nothing, and we had two oceans.
And by the time they get through, it'll cost us three hundred million and we'll only have one.
And now that the canal is nearly finished, it looks like it was going to get us into trouble.
Japan is against it on one side and England don't like it on the other.
And that's why we've got to have a navy. [1]
[1] End of "Panama Canal point." See footnote above, also Chapter V.
Of course, we've got a navy.
But everybody is kicking about it.
Why should they kick?
All we appropriated for the navy last year was four million dollars.
And there's eighty million people in this country.
And that figures a nickel apiece.
And what the hell kind of a navy do you expect for a nickel?
Still they are crying that the country is in destitution circumstances.
That is inconsis—inconsis—you can't deny it.
Our country has got a superabum, a superabum—a superabum—we've got a lot of money.
There's money lying in the treasury that never was touched. And the first fellow that will touch it will get six months.
The whole trouble is the trusts.
Look what the cold storage trust have done with the eggs. Sixty cents a dozen—for the good ones. And the good ones are rotten.
Then they say the reason prices are going up is because wages are getting higher.
But why should they raise the price of eggs?
The chickens ain't getting any more wages.
And if meat goes up any higher, it will be worth more than money.
Then there won't be any money.
Instead of carrying money in your pocket, you'll carry meat around.
A sirloin steak will be worth a thousand dollar bill.
When you go down to the bank to make a deposit, instead of giving the cashier a thousand dollar bill, you'll slip him a sirloin steak.
If you ask him for change, he'll give you a hunk of bologny.
If they keep on, we won't be able to live at all.
Statistics prove that the average wages of the workingman is one dollar a day.
Out of that, he's got to spend fifty cents a day for food; fifty-five cents for rent; ten cents for car fare.
And at the end of a hard day's work—he owes himself fifteen cents.
Yet the rich people say that the poor people are getting prosperous.
They say, look at our streets. You see nothing but automobiles.
You don't see half the poor people now that you used to.
Certainly you don't.
Half of them have already been run over and the other half is afraid to come out.
Why, between the automobiles and the trusts the poor man hasn't got a chance to live.
And if only the gas trust gets a little stronger, the price of gas will go up so high a poor man won't even be able to commit suicide.
They'll have him both ways. He can't live and he can't die.
And that's why I am with the socialists.
They say, "Down with the trusts! Do away with money. Make everything equal."
Imagine a fellow going into a jewelry store and saying:
"Give me a diamond ring, here's a lemon."
But the socialists have got some good ideas for the working people. And my heart and soul is with the labor class of people. I am for labor unions.
But what help are the labor unions to the working man?
Look at it in the right light.
A man pays twenty-five dollars to join a union. He gets a job in a shop for two dollars a day, works two weeks, the union gets out on a strike and he owes himself a dollar.
The unions are crying the days are too long.
They want the days shorter. They want the days should be eight hours long.
But think of the fellows out in the North Pole where the days are six months long. That's the place for the poor man to live.
When the landlord comes around and says, "Rent," all you have to do is to tell him to come around the day after tomorrow.
Then Andrew Carnigger, he comes out and tells us you should save money and put it in the bank.
What's the use of putting your money in the bank?
It's easy enough to put it in, but it aint so easy to get it out. When you want to take your money out, you got to give the cashier sixty days notice.
And did you ever figure out how far a cashier can go in sixty days?
Then they say, as the world goes on, we are improving.
It's ridiculum.
We were better off years ago than we are now.
Look at Adam in the Garden of Eat-ing.
Life to him was a pleasure;
There was a fellow that had nothing to worry about.
Anything he wanted he could get.
But the darn fool had to get lonesome.
And that's the guy that started all our troubles.
We would be all right today, if it wasn't for Adam and Evil.
Then they say that Adam fell for an apple.
It just shows how men have improved.
No man would fall for an apple today.
It would have to be a peach.
And I tell you, it's no wonder that women feel stuck up. They say they can do more than men can do.
That's very true, when you go back to the first woman, Eve.
She was only one little woman, all by herself, and she put the whole human race on the bum.
Could a man do that?
And yet she was only a rib out of Adam's side.
It just goes to show you what a cheap proposition woman was.
Nowadays, when you want to marry a woman, you got to buy a diamond ring, take her to the theatres, buy her taxicheaters, and what's left of your wages you got to spend on candy and tango trots and turkey teas. There's where Adam had it on all of us.
All Eve cost him was one bone.
It all goes to show you how much better off man was in those days than today, and while John D. Rottenfeller, the great Philosopede, he comes out and says, nobody has a right to be poor; he says, anybody can live on eighteen dollars a week.
He don't have to tell us that.
Let him tell us how to get the eighteen.
And still that great statesment, William Chinning Bryan, he comes out and says, we are living in a great country. He says we are living in a country of excitement intelligence and education.
That's very true.
Look at our public school system.
A child can go to school for nothing, and when he grows up to be a man and he is thoroughly educated, he can go into the public school and be a teacher and get fifty dollars a month.
And the janitor gets ninety-five.
That shows you how education is coming to the front. Wouldn't it better, instead of sending a child to school, to learn him to clean out a cellar?
And what's the cause of all the trouble?
The House of Representatives.
We send them to Washington to look out for the people and the only time they look out for the people is when they look out the window and see them coming.
Then they get $7,500 a year. They spend $10,000 a year, and at the end of the year they have $100,000 saved.
No wonder they are careless with our money.
That's all they got to do. Sit around Washington and touch the treasury.
Every couple of days a fellow comes into Congress and says:
"Good morning, Congress, let me have $4,000,000."
That's all they do, is make touches for millions.
You never heard of those suckers making a touch for a quarter, or a half a dollar.
To show you what they do with our money, look at our Weather Bureau
Department.
We pay a fellow $10,000 a year. For what?
To tell us when it's going to rain.
And he don't know himself.
But he don't want to know.
He knows that if he ever guesses it right, he is going to lose his job. But believe me, it's a soft job.
Nothing to do.
He gets up in the morning, eats a nice breakfast, smokes a good fat cigar; then he looks out of the window and says, "Fine weather to-day."
Then he takes his umbrella and goes out for a walk. I tell you, my dear friends, the way the country stands now, the country stands on the brink of a preci—the country stands on the brink of a precip—and if somebody shoves it, it is going over.
And the cause of all the trouble in the country is the crooked politics.
And that's why the women suffering gents have gotten together and are fighting for their rights.
And you can't blame them.
Now I see where one married woman has hit on a great idea.
She says there's only one protection for the wives.
And that's a wives' union.
Imagine a union for wives.
A couple gets married.
And as soon as they get settled, along comes the walking delegate and orders a strike.
Then imagine thousands and thousands of wives walking up and down the streets on strike, and scabs taking their places.
The Art of Flirtation A Two-Act for Two Men by Aaron Hoffman
Author of "Toblitz, or The End of the World,"
"The New Leader," "The Son of Solomon,"
"The Speaker of the House," Etc., Etc.