ARE YOU WARM OR COOL BY NATURE?
Some people respond to their mates with a greater intensity of emotion than do others. This test should reveal your own responsiveness.
If you answered yes to fifteen or more of these you are a warm, ardent person and should be able to work out a satisfying sexual adjustment in marriage. If you answered yes to nine or less you appear to be reserved and cool by nature. Your best chance in marriage will be with a person of similar disposition.
Chapter VII
Do You Frighten Possible Mates Away?
Getting along with the other sex is one of the most important skills you will ever learn—if you do learn it.
If you fail to achieve a good adjustment it will show up in other aspects of your life. Failure to get along with others is undoubtedly one of the biggest reasons why people fail at their jobs. Far more people are dropped from their positions or are passed over in awarding promotions because of personality inadequacies than are dropped because of technical incompetence. The person who can’t get along well on a job is usually not a good risk in marriage. And the person who cannot get along with acquaintances is usually not a good risk for a job or for marriage.
Likewise, when you find a happily married person you will also usually find a person who is happy in his work and in his social contacts. And whether or not you get along with people—particularly of the other sex—depends primarily upon the sort of training you had in childhood. Professor Terman found that happily married people were people whose own parents had been happily married ... were people who had a great deal of love and affection for their parents ... were people who had been punished only mildly and infrequently by their parents and had been disciplined firmly but not harshly. It is not impossible to replace bad traits with good but it will become increasingly difficult with each passing year.
How do you impress people of the other sex? Did you ever stop to ask yourself that? To find the answer you will have to adopt the attitude Socrates is alleged to have recommended: “Know thyself.”
Have you ever stopped to make an inventory of your assets and liabilities? Perhaps you have traits which you have lived with so long that you aren’t aware of them, but which greatly annoy people you want to know better. Or perhaps the traits are not downright offensive but weaken your appeal. The test in this chapter, “Do You Have a Negative or Positive Personality?” may help you in making an inventory.
If you feel something is holding you back from popularity with the other sex try to get to the root of your trouble. If people do not ask you out, why don’t they? If some dislike or avoid you, what is the explanation? If some people seem merely to tolerate you, what is the trouble? If you feel you do not have as much influence in your group as you would like to, what is undermining your influence? Below we are going to point out a dozen of the major trouble-making characteristics. Perhaps some of them may apply to you.
Do You Feel Uncomfortable in the Presence of the Opposite Sex? Perhaps you are haunted by deep feelings of inferiority, feelings which may come from your lack of association—compared to other persons your own age—with the opposite sex, or perhaps you have been thrown into a more “sophisticated” group than you were accustomed to. Another possibility is that you lack the knowledge to intermingle suavely. Perhaps you still feel clumsy—and must watch your feet—while dancing. Perhaps you dread the ceremony of introducing people because you are vague on the etiquette involved. Perhaps you are not sure you are dressed appropriately for the occasion. Perhaps you don’t know when to use the right fork or spoon. Perhaps you are not quite sure how to act in saying good night to a date, or how to thank a hostess for a delightful evening.
The answer to this type of problem is simple. If you feel ill at ease because you feel you are a poor dancer, then learn to be a better dancer. Take lessons, or simply practice on your own living-room floor. If it is etiquette that bothers you read any of a dozen books on the subject, and watch carefully how others around you behave. One more thing—if you are haunted by feelings of inferiority, learn to do some one thing superlatively well, even if it is only table tennis or gin rummy. This will bring you recognition from the group and ease your feelings of self-consciousness.
General Eisenhower has said that self-confidence is the greatest asset one can have in the world. John Powers, originator of the famed Powers Model Agency, tells his new models that the biggest thing they have to learn is self-assurance, and he quotes to them General Eisenhower’s remark.
Are You Aloof? Many young people, after they have been bruised a couple of times in their early contacts with the opposite sex, wrap their ego up in a protective shell so that no one can hurt them again. Other people, particularly girls, want to be dated so badly and feel so anxious about not being dated more that they “freeze” when anyone approaches them for a date. They are anxious not to appear over-anxious, and again aloofness results. Finally, girls who teach often frighten men away through their aloofness. The teacher often carries into her dating, unconsciously, the reserve she develops in the classroom for disciplinary reasons.
Whatever the source of the aloofness, the attitude is interpreted by the opposite sex as coldness and indifference. Possible dates are frightened away because you appear unapproachable and perhaps a bit haughty.
Do You Have a “Low Boiling Point” Emotionally? Some of us have built up emotional habits that prevent us from getting along with persons of the opposite sex. We habitually lose our tempers, act rudely, show our anxieties, or go to pieces. They lead inevitably to quarrels with our boy friends or girl friends. If you are easily upset by frustrations or anger you find yourself involved in temper outbursts and profanity, both of which are highly repelling to anyone in the opposite sex interested in you.
Do You Daydream Frequently? The daydreaming itself does not annoy others, but daydreaming holds you back from appearing at your best. Daydreaming is usually simply the imaginary representation of satisfactions you do not achieve in real life. When you let your daydreams become a substitute for real achievement, your personality is definitely slipping and the outcome may be dangerous. If you must daydream, make it planful.
Do You Often Complain About Your Health? It is bad enough for your marriage prospects to appear unhealthy. It is even worse if you complain of your aches and pains. You not only bring the other person’s attention even more on your short-comings, but reveal yourself to be something of a hypochondriac, who is defined in Webster’s dictionary as a person suffering from “a mental disorder characterized by morbid anxiety as to the patient’s health....”
Do You Blame Your Troubles and Mistakes on Others? This is one of the most vicious mental habits one can get into. Psychologists call it the habit of “projection.” You project your failures upon somebody else. The boy says he is not able to get along with girls because his father will not let him have the car. The girl blames her failure to have dates upon her mother for not giving her the right kind of clothes. Such a habit is much more serious than first appears. In the first place, one’s listeners are not fooled by such projections, and in the second place the individual who gets into such a habit fails to profit by his mistakes. Thus he loses opportunity for making improvement.
Are You Intolerant of People Who Are Not Like You? Broadmindedness or tolerance is a trait we must have if people are to like us. To be broadminded or tolerant, you usually need to be both intelligent and well informed. Intolerance and bigotry are either based on ignorance of other people or on a mind that knows the facts but is all twisted up. One should not confuse broadmindedness with low standards and ideals. A broadminded person may be tolerant of an individual whose own standards are low even though the broadminded person tries to live by practical, realistic and decent standards. You can be an unchanging believer in a particular religion or be an invariable follower of one political party, but at least you should keep from ramming your personal views down the throats of others. When you voice intolerances you usually antagonize acquaintances who are startled by your narrow views.
Are You Argumentative? Many persons, because of their biases or prejudices or emotional tension, constantly want to argue. They hope by arguing to convince others of the correctness of their own views. The louder they shout the more persuasive their argument—so they think. Actually, arguing rarely ever convinces anyone. And the one sure result is that it will create hard feelings, if engaged in vehemently. As long as a discussion can remain good humored and considerate, with nobody raising his voice or becoming agitated, worth-while ideas may be exchanged.
Do You Bore People by Your Talking? Do you chatter inanely or do you annoy people by constantly talking “shop?” One can talk about one’s job without talking “shop.” The important difference is that he talks about those aspects of his occupation that will interest an outsider with normal curiosity. And he talks about his job only if the listener shows by smiling or nodding his head that the subject intrigues him. Being able to talk is not nearly so important as being able to talk in a congenial way. The congenial person sees that conversations cover only topics that are mutually interesting, and he avoids talking too much. Further, he is sensitive enough to catch the mood of the other person and is flexible enough to join in that mood. Finally, the congenial talker is sensitive enough to lead the conversation away from subjects that will only bring conflict.
Are You Self-centered? Perhaps you were “spoiled” as a child or are so richly endowed with physical charm or with talent you feel yourself to be the center of the universe. For example, the girl may have temper tantrums in public, she may humiliate her escort by biting sarcasm or devastating scorn. Often her escort simply serves as a foil for her “brilliance” or good looks. She frightens her man away because he sees himself going through life as a planet in her orbit. Such a girl is not seeking a husband as such; what she wants is a background for her own personality. After being hurt by her a few times a man runs away and seeks a girl who will pour balm on his injured ego.
Are You Aggressive? A man may offend decent girls by being aggressively “on the make.” A girl may be aggressive by being a “gold-digger,” and scare men away by being both expensive and inconsiderate. Or she may be aggressive simply in the sense that she is worried about the shortage of males and sets out grimly to get a man before it is too late. In match-making, man is jealously proud of his role of pursuer and does not want his traditional role usurped by the skirted sex. Thus most men resent overt signs of aggression by a girl.
Are You Repelling Physically? Most girls like to have a man who is taller than they are. Feelings of prestige are involved.
Poor health, extreme tallness or shortness, extreme obesity or thinness, very dark or very light complexion, poor motor coördination, seriously impaired vision, impaired hearing, unbecoming teeth, body odor, a general appearance of being weak and easily tired detract greatly from one’s personality. Other things that detract are bizarre features such as tattoos, the appearance of being under-sexed. In general a person should never be more than twenty per cent over or under the weight for his height.
In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery, orthodentistry, dermatology, etc., a girl or man can get rid of most irregular features. And those that can’t be removed can be overshadowed. The physical paralysis of the late President Roosevelt did not influence people negatively because of the great personal charm of the man. The impairment of hearing of Thomas Edison did not diminish the respect and liking that people had for his genius.
Odor is tremendously important in the impressions that one makes on others. It is believed that one of the reasons men like women and women like men is that their respective odors are agreeable to each other. Halitosis, perspiration odors, clothing odors resulting from wearing clothing in places of work where the air is redolent with manufacturing processes, may ruin your chances for marrying the one you want. Almost any girl or man who is in good health, who is willing to take care of his teeth, who avoids wearing clothing saturated with occupational odors and who is careful to avoid perspiration smells can be wholesome and fragrant. Perfume should be used to enhance the true natural body odor of the individual and not to mask unpleasant ones.
Actually, physical appearances rarely need hurt seriously a person’s chances of marriage providing they retain self-assurance. The trouble is that a person with a prominent nose or big feet is so concerned about the specific defects that he convinces himself he presents an ugly appearance. He develops feelings of inferiority, and that is where the real trouble begins.
The person who holds his head up, who can look you straight in the eye, whose face is animated when he talks, is better looking and better liked than the individual who does not do these things. The restful physical position, the alert face and animated expression convey to others the feeling that you are poised. Poise and self-confidence make up a large part of “good looks.”
Assuming that after reading this chapter you have concluded you have some bad habits that are hurting your chances of getting a desirable mate, how can the habit be broken? It is not easy. There are two major thoughts to keep in mind in trying to break a habit. First, once you decide to break the habit, you must not let any exception occur. The reforming drunkard who has trouble walking past bars knows that just one nip will set off a chain of violations. The longer he can keep from drinking the weaker the urge to drink becomes and soon he can pass bars without any trouble at all, and in fact with scorn. The second idea in breaking a habit is to substitute something in the habit’s place. A person wants to stop eating sweets. Several years ago one of the cigarette manufacturers sold millions of cigarettes by proposing that a person with a sweet-tooth should reach for a cigarette instead of a sweet. This was the principle of substitution. A substitute for a boy who bites his fingernails may be something like this. He can reason:
“I have a desire to bite my nails but I have a bigger desire not to bite my nails. While it is difficult not to bite my nails it is much more important that my nails look acceptable if I am to get dates. I would rather have dates than bite my fingernails.” Such a bigger goal may help you break any habit that offends people you want to impress.
Girls probably are more concerned about the impression they create than men. Here is some advice to women that one investigator, a man, offered after making a study of the habits of women:
—Don’t wear styles that men consider queer.
—Don’t neglect the romantic illusion. Men are disillusioned by such things as hair curlers, awkward positions and postures, unattractive sounds in the throat, making up in public.
—Don’t fail to answer a man, and promptly, when he addresses you; he may feel slighted by inattention.
—Don’t nag a man. Men flee to office, club, other women—anywhere but where the nagger is.
—Don’t tell off-color stories or use coarse language. Most men resent them in women.
—Don’t show jealousy. All men abhor a jealous woman.
—Don’t compare your male companion unfavorably with another man.
—Don’t giggle, shriek or otherwise be loud to attract his attention.