DO YOU HAVE A NEGATIVE OR POSITIVE PERSONALITY?
Subtract five points for each of the repelling traits you possess. (Be honest.) And add five points for each of the appealing traits you can honestly claim as a consistent part of your personality.
If you ended up with a negative score you can feel fairly sure that you are being handicapped in your association with the other sex by an unattractive personality. In fact if you checked more than eight of the repelling characteristics (regardless of the number of appealing traits you checked) you have grounds for concern about the impression you create. However, if you checked five or less of the repelling traits and ended with a total positive score of more than one hundred you apparently have an unusually appealing personality.
Chapter VIII
Attracting the One You Want
Will You marry the one person you have met whom you would like most to marry, will you have to be content with a second choice, or will you have no choice at all? The answer will depend on how appealing a person you are. And frequently that appeal can be enhanced by knowledge of techniques for winning the romantic interest of persons of the other sex.
The person who wants to win a mate must put three thoughts in the prospective mate’s head. You must make that person feel the need of a mate ... that you are the person who can best fit that need ... and that the time is ripe for marriage.
First, let’s consider some of the things a girl can do to get a man thinking along those lines:
—She should talk about the man’s basic needs in a subtle, impersonal way by discussing such things as good food, comfortable furniture, fireplaces, a place where one can bring friends. She gets his ideas on the style of home he likes, and gets his ideas about children. She does all this in a friendly, optimistic way and avoids discussing some of the disadvantages that marriage often entails. Veterans are particularly responsive to such an approach because their shifting, destructive life as fighting men has filled them with a profound desire to settle down to a comfortable, creative life.
—She appeals to the man’s yearning for mastery (which every man has) by giving him the opportunity to do most of the talking. She follows his words with genuine interest and tries to fall in with whatever mood he is in. And she enthusiastically accepts his ideas about places to go on dates and things to do. Definitely, she minimizes any mistakes that he may make, blames him for nothing and keeps her complaints to herself, or lets them come out only as friendly, constructive suggestions.
—She makes herself physically appealing.
—She does not discuss any poor physical health she may have, nor does she discuss any bad breaks or her possible knack for always getting into trouble.
—She lets him get the impression that other men are interested in her, but makes it plain that they do not interest her nearly as much as this particular man.
—She does not run down other girls.
—She makes it clear that she is sure he must be popular, and very successful in his work.
—She talks casually about her married friends and gets across the idea that they are terribly glad they married.
—She strives to make every occasion with this man an enjoyable one.
—Finally she is not afraid to let him know that she likes him and that his feelings toward her matter a great deal.
In short, the girl constantly sets up conditioning situations which make the man feel good inside for having been with her. Soon he’ll start thinking that it would be nice to have that good feeling inside for the rest of his life. That is the mood in which proposals germinate.
What are some of the things a man can do to get a girl in a receptive mood for a proposal? Here are a few:
—If he is a shrewd, practical psychologist he can detect the chief source of her feelings of inferiority. Most girls feel inferior about something, usually something about their appearance since that looms so important to them. Perhaps they are acutely conscious of big hands or thick ankles or mouse-colored hair. In such cases the man should reserve his most enthusiastic compliments for those sites of anxiety. He does not need to mention them specifically, but he should word the compliments in such a way that those features are obviously included in his admiration. The girl will be so grateful that she will want to be with the man as much as she can just to hear him say such nice things.
—The man should be “romantic” if it kills him. He should remember that women inherently are much more sentimental than men. If it weren’t for feminine sentiment there never would have been a Valentine’s Day. The actual sex urge is not as strong in girls as it is in men, so they are much more interested in the forms of courting than in sex expression itself. They want to be told again and again that you adore them.
—The man, if he is adept, can play effectively on the girl’s feeling of insecurity. Security is the most important thing in the world to women. Though girls can make their own living nowadays, most of them still feel their greatest chance for real security lies in marriage. How can the man play on these feelings of insecurity?—by talking to the girl in detail about her job, about her aspirations, her plans for the future. He can accomplish the same result by the reverse technique of talking casually and impersonally about all the things that stand for security in a woman’s mind. He can analyze house plans in a magazine with her; he can talk about his own future at his job and the prospects that some day he will have a job commanding respect and a substantial income.
—The man should be self-assured with the girl and just a bit masterful. Despite all the feminine emancipation of the past few decades, women admire he-men and sometimes yearn to be swooped up, whisked away and relieved of all their problems.
—He should be considerate and gentle with the girl and be careful that he observes all the amenities of politeness. Women are more impressed by etiquette than men.
—He should be careful not to reveal any anxieties he has about his job or his future generally.
—He should let the idea seep out that he is now in a marriageable state of mind and that other girls seem interested in him. Girls have a more fiercely competitive spirit in their mate-seeking than men.
For people who are still a little baffled about the whole business of courtship, we can pass on a tried and true formula for winning a mate. We have seen it work wonders in scores of cases.
The amusing thing is that it was not designed for snaring mates but for snaring customers for American products such as refrigerators. It is sometimes called the AIDA advertising formula, named from the first letters of the formula’s four key words—Attention, Interest, Desire, and Action. To get a person to buy a refrigerator you must first attract his attention, then generate an interest, instill a desire to own the refrigerator, and then give him the final prod that will impel him to go in and lay down his hard-earned money for the machine.
When applied to your situation, it involves these four stages in winning a mate: First, the prospective mate’s attention must be directed toward you. Upon noticing you, he must see something that will arouse his interest. Then he must be stimulated to have a desire to know you better. When desire is aroused sufficiently, action (agreement to marry) results.
There are, of course, many approaches to attracting a person’s attention. A man has more liberties here in making himself seen than a girl but let’s consider some of the socially-approved approaches a girl can make. She can arrange for relatives, friends and social and business acquaintances to introduce men to her. In this her role can appear passive. Or she can use the be-where-men-are approach by attending parties, meetings and community affairs which by their very nature bring her into contact with men.
After winning the person’s attention—whether you are a man or a girl—the best way to arouse his or her interest is through conversation—and not just any conversation. Here out of the whole universe is one person before you. What kind of person is he or she? What are his or her interests? Unharness your curiosity and ask friendly, tactful questions. And you should make it clear that you regard the person’s answers as worth-while. Emphasize the you with such questions as “What do you think about ...” or “Your idea is the most sensible I’ve heard yet.” Whether you are male or female, learn to be a good listener, or rather a good interrogator. Lead the person into topics he or she seems to relish discussing, and if you see frowns or looks of discomfort change the subject.
Jim may be very much interested in photography. He will like you if you ask him questions about his photography, whether he develops his own pictures, the kind of camera he has, the unusual pictures he has taken. However, you must use insight. Nana may be an expert stenographer but may not be very proud of her vocation and so would be more appreciative of questions about her taste in clothes, about the different places she has lived, the books she has enjoyed reading, the movie stars she likes, the places she has visited.
If you are a congenial conversationalist you have undoubtedly gone a long ways toward arousing the interest of this person whose attention you have. Now if you are still interested, begin asking more personal questions about the person’s background. Perhaps this does not come until after several dates. The aim is to arouse in this person a desire to know you still better. Tell him the things you admire in the opposite sex. Intimate that you are sure he must be very popular. By attributing such a personality to him, you create in him a desire to know you better! Once this desire is firmly created, a courtship has begun that may very well lead to the altar.
What traits do people especially look for in mates? One study of college women and college men found these traits to be mentioned most often:
| GIRLS WANT IN MEN | MEN WANT IN GIRLS | |
| Congeniality | Intelligence | |
| Intelligence | Beauty of form and figure | |
| Companionship | Congenial companionship | |
| “Handsome” form and features | Neatness | |
| Wit | Appealing dress | |
| Good nature | Good sportsmanship | |
| Neatness | Modesty | |
| Sincerity | Good morals | |
| Dependability | Sincerity | |
| Good sportsmanship | Wit | |
| Sex appeal | Sense of humor | |
| Flexibility | Sex appeal | |
| Good morals | Honesty | |
| Honesty | Truthfulness | |
| Good manners | Friendliness |
At Penn State students were asked for the qualities they were looking for in their future mate and a quite different list resulted. They wanted their mate to have:
| Honesty | Good health |
| Affection | Love for children |
| Cleanliness | Same religion |
| Sense of humor | Neatness |
| “Good background” | Have character |
Still another survey shows that if mature men are asked what kind of woman they want for a wife, the majority will state that they want a girl who is dark, reasonably slender, intelligent, with a reasonably good figure, and is average to tall in height, and is affectionate in disposition. The emphasis here is on physical appearance. However, only 10 per cent of the men insist that the girl must be “pretty.” Only about fifteen per cent insist that their wife be a blonde, despite the glamorizing of the blonde, and thirty-three per cent of the men say that they do not want blondes under any circumstances. Even the plump girl has a chance. About seventeen per cent of the men want a wife who is plump to solid.
“Looks” certainly are a factor in one’s attractiveness to the opposite sex, particularly with girls. But actually almost any girl can appear attractive to men if she has only one or two really attractive features, providing she is intelligent enough to capitalize on them. She may be flat-chested or knock-kneed but the men scarcely notice that because she designs herself so that her bad features are not seen. The eye is directed to the good features, whether they be lustrous hair or luminous eyes. Some of the most famous stars in Hollywood are either knock-kneed, thick-ankled or big-footed. The only really ugly girls in this world are the freaks, the crude girls, the girls who appear sexless, and the girls who look unhealthy.
“Good looking” girls are the ones who make a good first impression, and have such attractive personalities that the impression persists. There you have an important distinction. “Looks” are important in attracting the possible mate’s attention. There is a psychological factor involved. For reasons of prestige a man usually wants to prove to his friends that he has picked a “looker” when he shows off his new girlfriend. But once the attention is secured, looks for either a man or girl become decidedly secondary considerations. From then on a person stands or falls on his personality. A man can be an Adonis or a girl can be symmetrically perfect. Yet they can bore you and you can’t get them out of your sight fast enough.
What is the normal physical appearance of a man and woman? One physician has found that the average woman has a height of about five feet four inches and weighs approximately 132 pounds. For every inch of additional height she may add five pounds; for every inch less of height she should subtract five. The man, on the other hand, has an average height of about five feet seven inches, or three inches higher than the girl. He should weigh about 142 pounds. For every inch of height more or less a man can add about eight pounds, if he has his clothes on.
Some women want their men to be “tall, dark and handsome” but statistics would seem to indicate that only about one man in two hundred attains the height of six feet.
Sometimes young people develop terrible inferiority complexes because of specific ugly features they have. Since a feeling of confidence and poise is so important in winning a mate it might be advisable for one with a bad nose, for example, to have a plastic surgery operation. As everyone knows, plastic surgery made tremendous strides in the recent war. A good plastic surgeon will remake your nose for a price averaging about three hundred dollars. The operation itself requires less than an hour, and you may be out of circulation for only a couple of weeks. Such an operation leaves no scars because it is performed through the nostrils rather than from outside. Many other operations of this kind are possible: operations that will eliminate scars, that will improve a bad chin, that will give the lips a configuration, etc. The operation may be worth while if it is the only way to remove a source of anxiety. In these days of modern medical science, plastic surgery, orthodentistry, dermatology, etc. almost any person can rid himself of really abnormal features. And once you have achieved fairly harmonious features your personality is what counts.
It is significant that in defining a truly beautiful woman John Powers, the model agent, listed these four things as being in the top ten ingredients of beauty:
- A radiant personality
- Integrity of character
- Complete self-assurance
- Intellectual curiosity
One Hollywood columnist wrote in his column the following two sentences that should cause anyone to think: “Beauty is a drug on the market. Personality can command any price.”
Complete self-assurance (tempered by modesty of course) is undoubtedly the most helpful characteristic anyone can have in competing for mates. The person who has an inferiority complex may have developed it because of physical features which prey on his mind, or because of some inadequate behavior in the past. He may have made poor grades in school or not have been able to earn a letter in athletics. There are many ways to acquire self-confidence. Here are some:
- Starting a savings account
- Going to the “right places”
- Participating in amateur shows
- Dressing as well as you can
- Owning a good collection of books or classical records
- Joining a fraternity or fraternal organization
- Taking part in church activities
- Buying property or organizing a business
- Becoming a Scout Leader
But one of the best of all possible ways to rid yourself of an inferiority complex and to develop self-confidence is to become skillful in social activities that young people frequently enter into. Learn to be expert at tennis or golf or Ping-pong or bridge or canoeing, or swimming or bowling or skeet-shooting or gin rummy, or saxophone playing, or being an amateur magician. Nothing builds up confidence faster than to possess a secret skill that interests or amuses people of the opposite sex. Most important of all, learn to be a skillful dancer. If you can float about a dance floor it instills confidence in you, and admiration in your dancing partner. Besides, you will enjoy yourself more. And a person who knows how to enjoy himself is attractive to other people.
Chapter IX
Is the One You Want the One You Need?
The average young person considering his or her prospects of marriage, we find, thinks only in terms of what he wants in a mate. But actually anyone facing realistically the problem of selecting a mate should realize that three things, not one, ought to be considered: 1. What you want. 2. What you need. 3. What you can get.
Perhaps the ideal in your mind of the mate you want is not only something you can’t get but also something you have no need for. What you want may be unattainable in the community in which you live. For example, if a girl would not marry a coal miner though she lived in a small coal-mining community, she might either have to modify her standards, move to a different community, or become an old maid.
Ordinarily you might think that the kind of mate you might want would be the kind you would need. But it often happens that a person’s desires are based on frivolous or impractical considerations; or upon the desire merely to “marry into money.”
During the past several years, students in Penn State’s psychology classes on preparation for marriage have been asked what amount of money they would consider an absolute minimum on which they would be willing to marry. The girls consistently specified more than the men. The average for the boys is $2,450, and for the girls $2,950. More than ten per cent of the girls have specified that they will not marry until their groom has an income of more than five thousand dollars. Obviously such girls are insisting on incomes which are more than they need and almost certainly more than they can get.
Take the case of Miriam, who specified that her man must be earning at least four thousand dollars a year before she will consider marrying. She set the figure that high because she says she knows nothing about cooking or managing a home so will have to hire someone else to do that. This man she will be willing to marry must be of “superior intelligence” (even though her intelligence is barely average), he must be six feet tall, be dark and handsome, be a good dancer; he must have broad shoulders and a “strong face.” He must be a good Culbertson bridge player; he must smoke a pipe; he must come from a “distinguished” family and must be either a physician or lawyer. Finally, she wrote, he must be a man who will put her on an altar and worship her.
Miriam has thought vaguely of children but thinks they should be put off for at least five years so that she may follow a dancing or theatrical career if something should develop. It is conceivable, of course, that she can find such a man, but considering her background and talents we doubt that she could interest him in marriage.
Often what we want in a mate is based upon our wants at the moment rather than upon basic or long-range needs. A couple in their early twenties may insist that each be a good dancer as one of the main qualifications for marriage. They dance so much that dancing looms large in their life. But ten years from now, when they will probably dance only a few times a year, it may be an unessential qualification while the ability to manage finances may add to the total family income and help weather a serious depression.
Qualities that may make a boy or girl a wonderful date are not necessarily the qualities that will make a wonderful mate. The two can be profoundly different. A girl wants a date for a party or dance. She wants a man who can dance, who will be admired as “good looking,” who will be a “good mixer,” who may be a “catch,” perhaps a football star or a radio actor. While these may be qualities needed for a date or dance, they probably will not be important qualities she will need in a mate for happiness in marriage. Don’t confuse a “good date” with a “good mate,” for what you want in a date may be far removed from what you need in marriage.
Too many times people fall in love with glamorous traits in the other. A girl “falls in love” with Bill because she loves his flattery or his dancing or his car or his taste in clothes. They cast such a halo effect that the girl gives little thought to the fact that Bill is a chronic heavy drinker. If she could see that his drinking will probably wreck any marriage he undertakes, she could spare herself much heartache.
Some people set their “mate goals” so high that they would rather remain unmarried than marry anyone below these standards. Years later they may be terribly disappointed and frustrated as a result. In the summer marriage classes at Penn State, which are largely made up of unmarried school teachers, many have confessed that they could have married when younger but somehow the man didn’t seem quite good enough. Now, too old to hope to marry, most of them wish they had been more practical in their middle twenties and not have had to wait until the late thirties or futile forties to see their error.
We know of young men today who would seem to be excellent prospects for mates—and they actually favor the idea of marrying—but we would be willing to predict that they will be bachelors. They are too fussy. They find something in every girl they go with that does not conform to their idea of an ideal mate.
How do we come by our ideals for mates? During adolescence and childhood both boys and girls form in their mind some kind of a “dream hero or heroine,” a sort of “phantom lover.” He or she is a composite of all the qualifications they want their future mate to have. No such paragon ever exists in real life and the mental image does undergo some modifications as the individual grows older.
Often this ideal has the qualities of some of the people we idolized in earlier years. Sometimes the qualities seem to be those of a favorite movie star, or of a heroine of literature. Sometimes they are inspired by qualities of an admired parent or older brother or sister. If you were brought up in a home by an adored and deeply-loved mother, your “phantasy ideal” may have almost all the good qualities of your mother. But if you were brought up in a home where you and your mother were in constant conflict, then you may be interested in avoiding in a mate all the qualities you associate in your mind with your own mother.
People who cling to their phantasy ideal after they are grown up do so largely because they cannot distinguish between what they want and what they need. They are convinced that their wants and needs are identical. Their families and friends may try to show them the difference but their immediate wants are all that they can see.
Most of us who are married can look back and can see that the girl or man we yearned to marry at twenty would not be the kind of mate we need now. We thank Heaven that we did not marry that one.
Then what are the things we need in a mate? There are certain qualities that almost everyone would accept as desirable—qualities such as good health, sense of humor, fairness, dependability, unselfishness, patience. And there are some traits that are so fundamental that we will take them up in the next chapter under “Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage.”
However, most all authorities are agreed that in considering possible mates you should in general seek someone who is roughly near your own age, who has about the same education that you have, who comes from approximately the same social-economic level that you do, and who is of the same nationality, race and religion.
Intelligence is important only in a relative sense—relative, that is, to you. Feebleminded persons tend to marry feeble-minded persons. While geniuses cannot always marry geniuses, they do tend to marry highly intelligent people. The average man marries a woman who is slightly less intelligent than he is. That’s why many brilliant women never marry. They do not come in contact with sufficiently brilliant men, or fail to disguise their brilliance in order to win a man of somewhat less intelligence. College males tell us that they want a girl for a wife who is “intelligent,” but makes them feel they are still more intelligent!
Another thing we must concede: some people have wants which are so intense that they become needs. We have a letter from a veteran, a young major. The girl he has long considered proposing to has everything he wants except beauty. He has gone with her for four years. He is thirty-one, she is twenty-seven. She is sweet, understanding, affectionate, is well educated and supporting herself. She is a good cook and an excellent companion. She is neat and clean and plain. But she is not pretty. He knows she loves him and he thinks he loves her but every time he thinks of proposing he is held back because she isn’t attractive. Perhaps he should not marry this girl if her lack of beauty is going to gnaw at him the rest of his life. One alternative—and we suggested it—was that he suggest to her somehow that she take a course with a “charm school.” Another thought we suggested was that most beauty comes from within and that ten years from now this girl would probably have a more appealing face than many of the so-called beauties of her own age today.
In considering what you need in a mate it might be helpful to consider what are the important things to your happiness in life. A marriage will be good for you only if it helps you satisfy these basic needs. These needs—after you have achieved subsistence through food, shelter and clothing—are primarily psychological.
In considering whether any particular person would be a good mate for you, ask yourself these seven questions, based on the psychological needs you will want to satisfy:
Will This Mate Bring You Social Approval? You will want a mate that other people will like, that other people will admire and respect. You thus need a mate who is adept at getting along with other people. Will your friends like him and will the mate’s friends like you? Will your parents think approvingly of the marriage?
Can This Mate Offer You Security? This desire for security is a very fundamental one, especially with girls. It is based upon the bodily need for food, shelter and clothing but is much more complex. Will this mate be kind and considerate and give you a feeling of confidence and stability? Will this mate refrain from gambling, drinking and other things that might imperil the security of your future home and children? In short, will this mate bring you a feeling that you have an anchor that will keep you steady?
Will This Mate Help You Get Ahead? This involves the desire for mastery, which is a universal human motive, particularly with men. It produces the urge to succeed, to excel, to overcome obstacles, to keep on fighting, to master situations. It is this desire for mastery that makes a husband take a correspondence course which may lead to a job promotion. The girl wants a mate who will be ambitious and the man needs a wife who will show initiative, who will read books on how to prepare tasty dishes and how to rear children according to the best principles of child care, and who will not become easily discouraged or frustrated.
Will This Mate Embarrass You by Nonconformity? The man wants a wife who will not act unbecomingly in public, who knows how to say and do the right thing when other people are present, who will conform to the customs that will cause the neighbors to think well of her. The girl wants a man who is not discourteous or sloppy, who will get to work at the time he is supposed to report, who will not embarrass her in public by doing things that will make them criticized by others.
Will This Mate Be Affectionate With You? We all want to be appreciated, to be approved by our own mate, to be given spontaneous tokens of affection, to be told that we are loved. It is tied up with our desire for praise and recognition. The man wants his wife to cherish him, to build him up, to show him in many little ways that she loves him, that she is close to him, and that she needs him. And the wife, perhaps to an even greater degree, needs to feel she is important to her husband, that he loves her and shows that love in many little ways.
Will This Mate Satisfy You Sexually? There are many ways you can detect before marriage whether such satisfaction can be achieved with this particular mate. Beware a person who shows a neurotic tendency, unconventional behavior, a craving for excitement, an urge to be constantly on the go. Beware of both the prudes and of persons who seem preoccupied with sex. Beware of indications of jealousy and possessiveness. These symptoms suggest that this person may not be able to find sexual satisfaction in marriage nor bring it to you.
Finally, Can This Mate Talk Things Over With You? This ability, in our opinion, is one of the biggest single values in marriage. Beware of suspiciousness, of demands for explanation, of resentment, of continual criticism of others. These things suggest you may be entangled with a nagger and a complainer who will constantly try to improve you stead of dealing with you as a partner. You will find it difficult to talk to such a person, to discuss your mutual problems. Being able to talk things over with another person without restraint—which psychologists call mutual psychotherapy—is probably one of the greatest things you can get out of marriage. If a couple have confidence in each other, can confide their hopes, and their ambitions, can encourage and stimulate each other when frustrated, then such a couple can go far in satisfying the basic needs in their lives.
Chapter X
Crucial Traits for a Happy Marriage
Thus far we have talked about what young people think they want in their mates and about the basic needs, which a good mate should fill. But we still haven’t discussed the big question. What are the actual traits you should have and your mate should have if you are to achieve happiness in marriage? What makes a marriage happy or unhappy?
A few years ago no reliable answer was available. But within the past few years a great deal of illuminating data has been turned up by investigators as a result of an upsurge of scientific interest in marriage. This interest was aroused by the frightening rise in marital bankruptcy as shown by the divorce trend.
What are the characteristics actually found in happily married mates and unhappily married mates?
Terman delved into the lives of 792 married couples and came out with these conclusions about the qualities that usually go with both kinds of mates:
Now how about the husbands? Here is what Terman found about them:
| HAPPY HUSBANDS | UNHAPPY HUSBANDS |
| Have greater stability | Often have feelings of inferiority |
| Are coöperative | Compensate by browbeating wife and subordinates |
| Get along well with business associates | Dislike details |
| Are somewhat extroverted | More radical about sex morality |
| Are more conservative in attitudes | Inclined to be moody |
| Willing to take initiative | Are more argumentative |
| Take responsibility easily | Like recreations that take them away from home |
| Do not get rattled easily | Apt to be careless about money |
Another approach Terman made was to find out what husbands and wives complain about most in their mates. He found that unhappily married couples were overflowing with complaints while happily married couples voiced few criticisms. Here are the complaints he heard most often:
| COMPLAINTS FROM HUSBANDS | COMPLAINTS FROM WIVES |
| Wife’s feelings hurt too easily | Insufficient income from husband |
| Wife too critical | In-laws |
| Trouble with in-laws | Impatience of husband |
| Wife nervous or emotional | Husband’s poor management of income |
| Income managed poorly | His tendency to be critical |
| He has no “freedom” | His preferences in amusements |
| Wife has poor taste in amusements | His failure to talk things over |
| Wife is a nagger | His failure to show affection |
When Terman had accumulated all of his findings, he devised a “Prediction of Marriage Happiness Scale” by means of which an unmarried person could determine his own chances of finding happiness in marriage. This has nothing to do with the other person involved but simply tests your own capability of becoming a good mate for someone. He found what we have already indicated—that your background largely predetermines your ability to be a successful mate. Of the factors he found most significant in predicting happiness in marriage, ten stand out as most essential to success.
| 1. | Are your parents happily married? |
| 2. | Did you have a happy childhood? |
| 3. | Were you free from conflict with your mother? |
| 4. | Was your childhood discipline firm but not harsh? |
| 5. | Did you have a strong attachment to your mother? |
| 6. | Did you have a strong attachment to your father? |
| 7. | Were you free from conflict with your father? |
| 8. | Were your parents frank with you about sex? |
| 9. | Were you punished infrequently and mildly? |
| 10. | Is your attitude toward sex free from disgust or aversion? |
Terman says that any person who has all ten in his favor is a considerably better than average marriage risk. He gives emphasis to this by saying that any one of the ten factors seems to be more important to marriage happiness than does virginity of the individual at the time of marriage.
At Penn State, where the first all-college marriage counseling service in America was founded, an adaptation of Dr. Terman’s prediction scale is used, by special permission of Dr. Terman, along with the Guilford-Martin Personnel Inventory I and other tests. But the main device the Penn State clinic uses in building an over-all “index” of a person’s prospects for a happy marriage is the Adams-Lepley Personal Audit, which was a product of Penn State’s own investigations. This Audit not only discloses your potentialities for being a good mate, and the potentialities of your possible mate, but goes on to match your two profiles to see if you are compatible.
The happiest marriages, the clinic has found, are between persons who not only are good prospects for marriage individually but who have markedly similar personalities. The clinic calls this compatibility. It has found that opposites may attract each other but it is the likes who achieve the happiest marriages together.
In the process of perfecting this Audit, the clinic not only tested it on thousands of persons and couples but followed up hundreds of those couples who later married, to find out how well the predictions bore up after the couple had been living with each other a year or so as man and wife. (They bore up very well indeed.)
Now the clinic believes it knows just what traits are crucial for men to possess and what ones are crucial for women. (They sometimes differ.)
The Audit measures you for nine separate and distinct traits of personality—sociability, conformity, tranquillity, dependability, stability, idealism, steadiness, flexibility, and seriousness. A personality trait has two extremes, just as height has the two extremes of tallness and shortness. These are the opposite poles for the nine traits just listed:
| Reserved—Sociable | Bold—Fearful |
| Agreeable—Nonconforming | Broadminded—Idealistic |
| Tranquil—Irritable | Calm—Emotional |
| Dependable—Evasive | Rigid—Flexible |
| Thoughtful—Frivolous |
Let’s consider these nine traits, and their significance when found in a mate. (You can also apply them to yourself.)
Trait I. Is He Reserved or Sociable? Another way to put it is this: “Is he introverted or extroverted?” The reserved person is usually quiet, ambitious, serious, agreeable with intimates and confines his socializing to close friends. Sociable or extroverted people are extremely social and aggressive. They are talkative and carefree and sometimes show little regard for other people’s rights. They are the “glad-handers.” Perhaps the man is a salesman, or the girl is a sorority president.
The Penn State investigators found, surprisingly, that the happily married men tended to be just a bit more impulsive, to be more sociable, to be more talkative and to have broader interests than did unhappily married men. Women on the other hand could tend to be either reserved or sociable and still be happy, as long as they were not extreme introverts or extreme extroverts.
Trait II. Is He an Agreeable Sort, or Is He an “Individualist”? The agreeable person tends to conform to the norms set by society. He is usually poised, coöperative, can concentrate easily and tends to wholesome recreations. The individualist enjoys the idea of being “different,” is apt to hurt people’s feelings by his brusqueness and impatience with things that bore or irritate him. In extreme cases he is bullheaded and argumentative.
Trait III. Is He Tranquil or Irritable? The tranquil person has an even disposition, works methodically, is patient, gets along well with folks. The irritable person tends to “fly off the handle,” to be easily annoyed, to find fault, to be erratic and peevish.
For men tranquillity is a crucial trait, the Penn State investigators found. The happily married man is less easily annoyed, less irritable, less peevish, less critical than the unhappily married man. To a girl this means she should be careful about marrying a man who is irritable. While it is desirable for the girl to be even-tempered too, this trait is not as important for a girl as for a man. However, it was found that when one of the two mates tends to be irritable and annoyed it is highly desirable for the other mate to be even-tempered. When you get two irritable persons under the same roof the explosions soon force one to beat a retreat, sometimes into divorce.
Trait IV. Is He Frank or Evasive? This is probably the most crucial trait for marriage happiness that we know. The dependable person is frank and truthful and conscientious. He gets along harmoniously with others, is willing to accept responsibility, is stable and coöperative. The evasive person is unwilling to face reality or to accept responsibilities. He “passes the buck” or projects the blame for things onto others. He exaggerates and often lies. He is easily depressed and lacks integrity.
Persons who rate high in dependability consistently are the ones who are happiest in both marriage and their work. This one trait is at least as crucial to happiness in marriage for a girl as is the entire complex of traits measured by Terman’s Prediction Scale. While it is most crucial for girls in marriage, it is also crucial for men. For a girl it is unquestionably the most crucial trait we know.
This means that in considering any possible mate you should be particularly careful to notice whether he or she is dependable or not dependable. Does he keep appointments, tell the truth and work conscientiously?
Trait V. Is He Bold or Fearful? The “bold” person is confident to the point of cocksureness. He is willing to carry out responsibilities, usually is carefree, stable, self-sufficient, and a bit dominant. The unstable, or fearful, person is shy and changeable. He may seem withdrawn and rarely evinces qualities of leadership.
This trait is crucial for women and fairly important for men. A woman, to have a happy marriage, needs to show strong indications of stability, because in running her household alone she must be self-assured and independent in emergencies when outside help isn’t available. A man should beware a woman who is exceedingly nervous or fearful, jittery or afraid. For the man it is important that he be fairly stable, but without being reckless.
Trait VI. Is He Broadminded or Idealistic? The broadminded person is tolerant, flexible, practical, realistic. His temperament tends to be pleasant and smooth. The idealistic person shows strong attitudes. Prejudice, often disguised as “high” standards, may be present. Inferiority and peevishness are often found here.
Stop and think. The girl you want to marry is the one you hope will be the mother of your children. You want her to instill reasonably high standards and ideals in the children. You want her to be conventional and not do things that will bring criticism. The happiest marriages are those in which the wife has high standards and ideals but not ones that are so stiff and unyielding that she can never see any justification for a slip-up now and then. Unhappy marriages are those where the wives have standards that are very low and who behave in unconventional or questionable ways. Our society encourages higher standards and ideals for women than it does for men. The man can be tolerant and easygoing but should have standards sufficiently high so that he considers it important to be faithful to his wife, and does not waste his money in drink or gambling.
Trait VII. Is He Calm or Emotional? Calm persons have “normal” ways of thinking. Their feelings are not intense. Persons whose work requires objectivity and courage—such as surgeons and military leaders—score high at this level. Emotional people, in contrast, usually think in unorthodox ways. They are usually sensitive. Their feelings are volatile and deep-seated. Interests in writing, drama, arts, literature are often found here. Individualistic, creative work is preferred, and the person may appear temperamental or eccentric to others. Repression and sexual conflicts are common.
Since the emotional person is intense and usually not too well adjusted, marriage may not prove too satisfactory. The trait of coolness or steadiness is much more crucial for men than for women. The happiest married men seem to be those who are steady and free of excess emotion. This enables them to be objective in their work. A girl should be wary of selecting a mate who is very emotional, who is too much interested in sex or who works in the movies or other work where there is a great deal of glamour and excitement.
Trait VIII. Is He Rigid or Flexible? This is more important in men than in women, and the man’s age determines whether he should score high in rigidity or in flexibility. If the man is under twenty-five it is well for the couple’s future happiness if he scores quite high in flexibility because marriage requires a great deal of adjusting and a certain amount of trying out new jobs is healthy for a young man. However, flexibility in a man past thirty should make a girl seriously question the advisability of marriage to him because he is apt to be permanently a “will-o’-the-wisp”; his characteristics are pretty well set. A man in his thirties who changes jobs frequently, who is not “settled,” is not a good matrimonial bet.
Trait IX. Is He Thoughtful or Frivolous? Beware of the girl who is frivolous. She will be shallow and discontented; she will have many unsettled problems; she will be worrying about her past as well as her future; she will have trouble making up her mind and will seem to be at loose ends. She may nag and complain. For women, thoughtfulness ranks second only to dependability in importance to marriage happiness.
There you have the nine traits. As you have probably noticed, it is much more crucial for women to have the right personality traits than for men. This is due largely to the fact that marriage looms much larger in a woman’s life than it does in a man’s. A wife has to do the larger part of the “adjusting” to marriage. She usually has to give up her name, her job, her residence, and many of her friends. The man can go on pretty much the same as he did before marriage. The wife must spend the greatest part of her day being a wife (homemaker) whereas the man serves actively in the role of husband only a few hours a day.
In summing up, what advice would we give the young man in order that he can select a mate who will be happy in marriage and contribute to his happiness in marriage? Ideally, he might well look for a girl:
Who is frank and dependable,
Whose family background has been such that she was reared in a happy home,
Who is thoughtful and not beset by conflicts revolving around her adjustments to the opposite sex,
Who is stable and self-sufficient and free from neuroticism,
Who is objective and free from excessive sensitiveness,
Who is friendly, kindly and considerate,
Who is coöperative in her relations with others,
Who is flexible and adaptable,
Who is steady and free from emotional behavior,
Who is tranquil and not easily irritated,
Who has average to high standards and ideals,
Who can be influenced by people who have sound ideas,
Who is somewhat extroverted and carefree.
All of these traits of course are not vital but it is advisable that she fit into the general pattern outlined above.
Next, what should a girl look for in a young man? Ideally, he should be a man:
Who is tranquil and not easily irritated,
Who is dependable and frank,
Who is objective and has feelings that are not easily hurt,
Who gets along easily with others,
Who is coöperative in group projects and likes to help people,
Who is cool and free from emotionality,
Who is concerned about what other people think of him,
Who was reared in a happy home,
Who is free of cares and has broad interests,
Who is fairly well contented with his lot in life,
Who can be influenced by others when their reasoning is sound.
The big question is how you can know if you and any prospective mate have qualities that make you good marriage risks. You will find in the next chapter ten tests that should provide the answer. They will record your rating on the nine traits we have just discussed, plus a rating on your family background.
Chapter XI
Test Your Mate and Yourself
Now you are going to take ten tests that will record how well qualified you are to marry. Your over-all score will indicate your chances of achieving a happy marriage, with whomever you may marry. These tests can be taken by either men or girls. And we suggest that after you take the tests you have your favorite date take them too. Then in the next chapter you can see how well you are matched.
In addition to scoring your desirability as a mate, the tests will help unveil for you your own personality. They will present you as you appear to other people. Be honest with yourself. There are no catch questions.
If you wish you can get a piece of paper to write your answers on. If you do this you will not mark up the book, nobody will know how you answered, and any other person taking the tests will not be influenced by your answers.
Don’t look up the correct answers until you have finished all the tests. After you have completed all ten tests you can then see how they should be scored. Some of these traits are more important to marriage happiness than others, and some are more important for one sex than the other. Be sure not to talk over any of the questions with anyone until after you have taken all the tests. Now go ahead, and work rapidly.