CORRECT INTRODUCTIONS; HOW TO MAKE THEM
Your first step should be, of course, the securing of an introduction. Introductions still play an important part in social intercourse, and many errors are often perpetrated by those ignorant of savoir faire (correct form). When introducing a young lady to a stranger for example, it is not au fait (correct form) to simply say, “Mr. Roe, I want you to shake hands with my friend Dorothy.” Under the rules of the beau monde (correct form) this would probably be done as follows: “Dorothy (or Miss Doe), shake hands with Mr. Roe.” Always give the name of the lady first, unless you are introducing some one to the President of the United States, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a member of the nobility above a baron, or a customer. The person who is being “introduced” then extends his (or her) right ungloved hand and says, “Shake.” You “shake,” saying at the same time, “It’s warm (cool) for November (May),” to which the other replies, “I’ll say it is.”
This brings up the interesting question of introducing two people to each other, neither of whose names you can remember. This is generally done by saying very quickly to one of the parties, “Of course you know Miss Unkunkunk.” Say the last “unk” very quickly, so that it sounds like any name from Ab to Zinc. You might even sneeze violently. Of course, in nine cases out of ten, one of the two people will at once say, “I didn’t get the name,” at which you laugh, “Ha! Ha! Ha!” in a carefree manner several times, saying at the same time, “Well, well—so you didn’t get the name—you didn’t get the name—well, well.” If the man still persists in wishing to know who it is to whom he is being introduced, the best procedure consists in simply braining him on the spot with a club or convenient slab of paving stone.
The “introduction,” in cases where you have no mutual friend to do the introducing, is somewhat more difficult but can generally be arranged as follows:
Procure a few feet of stout manila rope or clothes-line, from any of the better-class hardware stores. Ascertain (from the Social Register, preferably) the location of the young lady’s residence, and go there on some dark evening about nine o’clock. Fasten the rope across the sidewalk in front of the residence about six inches or a foot from the ground. Then, with the aid of a match and some kerosene, set fire to the young lady’s house in several places and retire behind a convenient tree. After some time, if she is at home, she will probably be forced to run out of her house to avoid being burned to death. In her excitement she will fail to notice the rope which you have stretched across the sidewalk and will fall. This is your opportunity to obtain an introduction. Stepping up to her and touching your hat politely, you say, in a well modulated voice, “I beg your pardon, Miss Doe, but I cannot help noticing that you are lying prone on the sidewalk.” If she is well bred, she will not at first speak to you, as you are a perfect stranger. This silence, however, should be your cue to once more tip your hat and remark, “I realize, Miss Doe, that I have not had the honor of an introduction, but you will admit that you are lying prone on the sidewalk. Here is my card—and here is one for Mrs. Doe, your mother.” At that you should hand her two plain engraved calling cards, each containing your name and address. If there are any other ladies in her family—aunts, grandmothers, et cetera—it is correct to leave cards for them also. Be sure that the cards are clean, as the name on the calling card is generally sufficient for identification purposes without the addition of the thumbprint.
When she has accepted your cards, she will give you one of hers, after which it will be perfectly correct for you to assist her to rise from the sidewalk. Do not, however, press your attentions further upon her at this time, but after expressing the proper regret over her misfortune it would be well to bow and retire.
Every one knows that table manners betray one’s bringing-up mercilessly. The young man in the picture has good reason to wish a meteorite would fall on him. His perpendicularity has just been restored by a deft upward movement of Aunt Harriet’s shoulder, upon which he had inadvertently rested his head during a quiet snooze while Cousin Edna was making her little speech at the Bridal Dinner. PERFECT BEHAVIOR would have Pasteurized him against even Bridal Dinners.
When a woman recognizes and nods to a man to whom she has been formally introduced several times, or to whom she has been married, is the man expected to accept the greeting and politely lift his hat or should he lift both his hat and his toupee? Street etiquette is disposed authoritatively and finally in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.
You are, let us pretend, walking in the park. You come upon two benches arranged as shown in the above diagram. Would you know which bench it would be proper to sit on if you are (1) a young man just out of college—(2) a rather homely young woman? To avoid embarrassment look this up in PERFECT BEHAVIOR.
A jolly crowd is boarding the 4:56 for a house-party in the suburbs. The gentleman at the right, having been educated abroad, has never learned to play the ukelele, the banjo, the jew’s harp or the saxophone, and is, with the best intentions in the world, attempting to contribute his share to the gaiety of the coming evenings by bringing along his player-piano. Would you—be honest!—have recognized his action as a serious social blunder without having referred to PERFECT BEHAVIOR?
The young mother in the picture is traveling from one point to another in a Pullman. In the effort to commit as great a nuisance as possible, she has provided her child with a banana and a hard boiled egg. Not having dipped into the chapter on travel in PERFECT BEHAVIOR, she is ignorant of the fact that a peach would have produced quite as much mess and far more permanent stains and a folding cup for the water cooler would have spread the disturbance over a wider area.