PADDY’S HUMBLE PETITION, OR SUPPLICATION.
Good Christian people, behold me a man! who has com’d through a world of wonders, a hell full of hardships, dangers by sea, and dangers by land, and yet I am alive; you may see my hand crooked like a fowl’s foot, and that is no wonder at all considering my sufferings and sorrows. Oh! oh! oh! good people. I was a man in my time who had plenty of the gold, plenty of the silver, plenty of the clothes, plenty of the butter, the beer, beef, and biscuit. And now I have nothing: being taken by the Turks and relieved by the Spaniards, lay sixty-six days at the siege of Gibralter, and got nothing to eat but sea wreck and raw mussels; put to sea for our safety, cast upon the Barbarian coast, among the wicked Algerines, where we were taken and tied with tugs and tadders, horse-locks, and cow-chains: then cut and castrate yard and testicle quite away, put in your hand and feel how every female’s made smooth by the sheer bone, where nothing is to be seen but what is natural. Then made our escape to the desart wild wilderness of Arabia; where we lived among the wild asses, upon wind, sand, and sapless ling. Afterwards put to sea in the hull of an old house, where we were tossed above and below the clouds, being driven through thickets and groves by fierce, coarse, calm, and contrary winds: at last, was cast upon Salisbury plains, where our vessel was dashed to pieces against a cabbage stock. And now my humble petition to you, good Christian people is, for one hundred of your beef, one hundred of your butter, another of your cheese, a cask of your biscuit, a tun of your beer, a keg of your rum, with a pipe of your wine, a lump of your gold, a piece of your silver, a few of your half-pence or farthings, a waught of your butter-milk, a pair of your old breeches, stockings, or shoes, even a chaw of tobacco for charity’s sake.
FUN UPON FUN:
OR
LEPER,
THE TAILOR.
IN TWO PARTS,
WITH A
Selection of Entertaining Anecdotes.
GLASGOW:
PRINTED FOR THE BOOKSELLERS.
THE MERRY TRICKS
OF
LEPER THE TAILOR.
Leper’s father lived in a village about six miles from Glasgow, and died when he was but very young; he left a widow and three children, two daughters and a son; Leper being the youngest, was greatly idolized by his mother, who was a good soft-natured woman, very industrious, and followed the bleaching of cloth.
As Leper grew up he grew a very mischievous boy, playing many tricks on the neighbourhood, such as tying cats to dogs tails, breaking hens legs, stopping peoples lums, or chimney-tops; so that his poor mother was sadly vexed with complaints against him.
To get him kept from mischief, she prevailed with a Tailor to take him an apprentice; he settled, and was very peaceable for some time, until he got as much of his trade on his finger ends as he might pass for a journeyman, and then he was indifferent whether he staid with his master or not; his mistress gave him but very little meat when he wrought at home, so he liked best to be in other houses, where he got meat and diversion.
Leper being resolved on revenge against his mistress for her thin kail, no kitchen, and little bread; for though flesh was boiled in the pot none for poor Leper and his master, but a little bit on Sundays, and all the bones were kept and put in the pot, to make the broth through the week. Leper perceived always when she took of the pot, she turned her back and took out the flesh, and set it on a shelf in her own bed-room; one night after work, he steals out a pan, cuts a piece of flesh out of a dead horse, and then goes to a lime kiln, and boils it; next day his master being from home, his landlady and him being in the house, after she had set of the pot as usual, and taken out her bit of good beef, he goes out for some time and then comes in, saying, the minister’s lass is wishing to see you, to go directly and speak to her mistress. Off she goes in all haste, Leper runs and takes away her bits of good meat, and lays down his horse flesh; and knowing she would return in a passion, and sit down with a soss in her cushion chair, as she used, he takes a large pin, and staps it straight through the cushion with its head on the chair and the point to her backside. So in she comes in a rage, and down she sits with all her weight on the pin point, and she roars out murder! murder! for she was sticket in the a—e: the neighbours came running in, and Leper went out with his bit of good beef, leaving the wives to doctor his landlady’s doup, as they pleased; he still denied the doing of it, and his master believed it might happen accidently, but the houdie was very oft to be had before it was got hale again; and his landlady by eating of the horse beef, took such a loathing at flesh, that Leper and his master got all the beef ever after, and his landlady turned one of the kindest mistresses a prentice could wish for.
There was a neighbour wife on whom Leper used to play tricks sometimes, for which she came and complained to his master and had him severely beaten several times, Leper resolved to be revenged on her, so one night he came to the backside of the house, (no one being in but herself) and took up a big stone, and runs along the rough wall with all his strength, which roared like thunder in the inside of the house, and frighted the wife so, that she thought the house was tumbling down about her ears, and she ran out and sat down at a distance, looking every minute when the house would fall down, till her husband came home and persuaded her to go in, to whom she told the above story; ‘hout tout, daft tapie,’ said he, ‘the house will stand these hundred years.’ Leper knowing they were both in, comes and plays the same trick over again, which also frightened the goodman so much, that he cried out—‘run Maggy, run, for my heart plays pitty patty.’ And they would not lodge in the house any more, till the masons convinced them of its sufficiency.
There was another neighbour who had a snarling cur dog, which bit Leper’s leg; Leper resolved to be revenged on the dog, and so one night he catches the dog, and carries him to the kirk where the rope of the bell hung on the outside, so with his garter he tied the dog’s fore foot to the rope, and left him hanging; the dog struggling to get free set the bell a ringing, which alarmed the whole village, every one cried out ‘wonderful fire! wonderful fire! the devil is ringing the bell.’ When they saw the black colly hang at the rope, I trow it set the minister and all the people to their prayers: but Leper fearing he would be detected by his garter, came to the minister’s side, and asked the reverend gentleman what was the matter; indeed my bairn, said he, ’tis the deil ringing the kirk bell; says Leper, I’ll go and see him, for I never saw the devil; the minister cried stop the mad laddie, but Leper ran and loosed the dog, crying it’s such a man’s dog, which had the rope in its teeth; they all cried out, ‘the deil’s i’ the cur, the deil’s i’ the dog,’ then took up stone and felled poor colley, and the devil got the blame of making the dog ring the bell.—This spread Leper’s fame, for being one of the wisest and most courageous tailors that was in all the kingdom; and many shaking their heads, said, ‘it was a pity he was a tailor, but a captain or general of an army, as the devil could not fear him.’
After this a farmer in the neighbourhood hearing the fame of Leper, how he had frighted the deil frae being a bellman, sent for him to an alehouse, and drank with him very heartily, and told him he was sadly borne down by a spirit of jealousy against his wife; and a suspicion of her being too free with a servant lad he had before; and if he would keep it a secret and learn him to find it out, he would give his mother a load of meal, to which Leper agreed; so he gave the poor supposed cockold instructions how to behave. So home he goes, and feins himself very sick, and every day worse and worse, taking death to him; blesses his three small children, and charges his wife not to marry until his children could do something for themselves, this hypocritical woman takes a crying, Aha! marry, she would never marry! no no there should never a man lie by my side, or kiss my lips, after thee, my ain dear lamb Johnny. Then he acts the dead man as well as he possibly could, the neighbours were called in, and he’s fairly o’erseen, as the old saying is, before good neighbours. The sorrowful widow made sad lament, wrung her hands and tore her hair.—The reverend women about began to dress the corpse, asked her for a shirt. Ay, ay, said she, he has twa new linen sarks, and there is an auld ane in the bottom o’ the kist, that nae body can wear, ony things good enough for the grave; well, said they, we must have some linen for a winding sheet, a weel, quo’ she, I ha’e twa cut o’ linen i’ the kist neuk, but there’s a pare o’ auld linen sheets, hol’d i’ the middle, may do well enough, I had need to be carefu’, I’m a poor widow the day, wi’ three sma’ bairns.
Well, the corpse is dressed, and laid on the tap of the big chest, while neighbours sat by her condoling her misfortune, and how the funeral raisins were to be provided, said one the coffin must need be seen about first. Ay ay, he has some new deals in the barn, he bought them to make a bed o’, but we’ll no break them, there’s the auld barn door, and the caff kist will do well enough, ony thing’s gude enough to gang to the grave wi’; but O quo’ she send for Sandy, my honest auld servant, and he’ll see every thing right done; I’ll tell him where he’ll get siller to do any thing wi’, he’s the lad that will not see me wrang’d; then Sandy comes wrying his face, and rubbing his eyes. O Sandy, there’s a sad alteration here, and ba-a she cries like a bitten calf, O sirs, will ye gang a’ butt the house till I tell ye what to do; butt they went, and there she fell a kissing of Sandy, and said, now, my dear, the auld chattering ghaist is awa and we’ll get our will o’ ither; be as haining of every thing as ye can, for thou kens it’s a’ thy ain; but the corpse’ sister and some other people coming in, ben they came to see the corpse, lifts up the cloth off his face, and seeing him all in a pour of sweat, said heigh he’s a bonny corp, and a lively like colour. When he could no longer contain himself to carry on the joke, but up he got among them, a deal of people ran for it, and his wife cried out, O my dear do you ken me? Ay you base jade and whore, better than ever I did. Jumps on the floor, gets his staff and runs after Sandy, and catches him in the fields, a little from the house;—ate and drank with his sister and neighbours who came to see his corpse, and poor Sandy went home with a skin full of terror, and a sorting of sore bones, took a sore fever and died a few days after, so he got quit of his cockolder, and Leper’s mother got her load of meal.
Leper’s mother was a careful industrious wife, but as the bye-word is, ‘a working mother makes a dally daughter,’ and so it happened here, for she had two gleakit sluts of daughters, that would do nothing but lie in their bed in the morning, till, as the saying is, ‘the sun was like to burn a hole in their backsides.’ The old woman, who was bleaching some cloth, was very early at work in the mornings, and Leper’s patience being worn out with the laziness of his two sisters, he resolved to play a trick on them, for their reformation, so he goes and gets a mortcloth, and spread it on the bed above them, and sends the dead bell through the town, inviting the people next day at four o’clock afternoon to the burial of his two sisters, for they had died suddenly; this brought all the neighbouring wives in, who one after another lifted up the mortcloth, and said, with a sigh, they’ve gone to their rest, a sudden call indeed! Their aunt hearing of this sudden news, came running in all haste, and coming where the jades’ mither was at work, and was ignorant of the story, she cries out, Fye upon ye, woman, fye upon ye! What’s the matter, sister, says she, what’s the matter! I think you might let your wark stand for a’e day, when your daughters are baith lying corpse. My bairns corpse! I am certain they went to bed hale and fair last night. But I tell you, says the other, the dead bell has been thro’ warning the folks to the burial, then the mother cries out, O the villian! O the villian that he did not send me word.—So they both ran, and the mother as soon as she entered the house, flies to the bed, crying, O my bairns, my dear bairns; on which the sluts rose up in a consternation, to the great surprise of the beholders, and the great mortification of the girls, who thought shame to set their noses out of doors, and to the great diversion of the whole town.
Leper and his master went to a gentleman’s house to work, where there was a saucy house-keeper, who had more ignorance and pride than good sense and manners; she domineered over her fellow servants in a tyrannical manner. Leper resolved to mortify her pride; so he finds an ant’s nest, and takes their white eggs, grinds them to a powder, and puts them into the dish her supper sowns was to be put in. After she had taken her supper, as she was covering the table, the imnock powder began to operate, and she let a great f—: well done Margaret, said the Laird, your a— would take a cautioner. Before she got out of the chamber door she let fly another crack; then she goes to order her fellow servant to give the Laird his supper, but before she could give the necessary directions, she gave fire again, which set them all a laughing; she runs into a room herself, and there she played away her one gun battery so fast, that you would have thought she had been besieging the Havannah. The Laird and Lady came to hear the fun, they were like to split their sides at proud Maggy. So next morning she left her place, to the great satisfaction of all her fellow servants.