PART II.
Leper’s landlady became very harsh to his master, and very often abused him exceedingly sore with her tongue and hands, and always called upon him for more money, and to have all the money in her keeping; which Leper was sorry for. It so happened on a day that the tailor had got a hearty drubbing both with tongue and tongs, that he pouched his thimble and was going to make a queen of her: when she saw that, she cried out, O! will you leave a poor tender dying woman. But Leper knowing the cause of her ill nature better than his master did, advised him to take her on a fine day, like a mile out of town, and give her a walk, and he would stay at home and study a remedy for her disorder.—Away they both go; but as she was always complaining for want of health, and that she was very weak, she cried frequently out, O! ’tis a crying sin to take a woman in my condition out o’er a door. During their absence, Leper goes and searches the bed, and below the bolster gets a bottle of rare whisky, of which he takes a hearty pull, and then pisses in it to make it up; gets a halfpenny worth of snuff, and puts it in also, shakes all together, and so sets it in its place again.—Home they came, and she was exceedingly distressed as a woman could be, and cried out, it was a horrid thing to take her out of the house. The tailor seeing her so bad, thought she would have died, ran as fast as he could for a dram, but she in her hypocrisy pretended she could not take it, and called on him to help her to bed, into which he lays her; she was not well gone when she fell to her bottle, taking two or three hearty gluts, then she roars out murder, I’m poisoned, I’m poisoned. Bocking and purging began, and the neighbours were called in; she lays her blood upon poor Leper, and tells how such an honest woman brought her a’e bottle as another was done, and the murdering loon had stolen it and put in a bottle of poison instead of it. Leper took to his heels, but was pursued and carried before a justice of the peace, where he told all he had done, which made the justice laugh heartily at the joke; and the tailor’s wife was well purged from her feigned sickness, laziness, and cursed ill nature; for always when she began to curl her nose for the future, the tailor had no more to say, but Maggy mind the bottle.
Leper was working with a master-tailor in Glasgow, who hungered his men; and one morning, just when breakfast was set on the table, in comes a gentleman to try on a suit of clothes; the master being obliged to rise desired the lads to say the grace themselves. Every one refused it, and put it to his neighbour, till Leper undertook it, and said with an audible voice, that the stranger gentleman might overhear him as follows:—‘Och, hoch! we are a parcel of poor beastly bodies, and we are as beastly minded; if we do not work we get nothing to eat; yet we are always eating and always fretting; singing and half starving is like to be our fortune; scartings and scrapings are the most of our mouthfuls. We would fain thank thee for our benefactors are not worthy the acknowledging;—hey. Amen.’ The gentleman laughed till his sides were like to burst, and gave Leper half-a-crown to drink.
Leper was not long done with his apprenticeship till he set up for himself, and got a journeyman and an apprentice, was coming into very good business, and had he restrained his roguish tricks, he might have done very well. He and his lads being employed to work in a farmer’s house, where the housewife was a great miser, and not very cleanly in making meat, and sneeveled through her nose greatly when she spoke.—In the morning, when she went to make the potage, she made a fashion of washing the pot, which to appearance seemed to him to have been among the first that had been made; then sets it before the fire till she went to the well, in which time Leper looking into it, sees two great holes stapped with clouts, he takes up his goose, and holds it as high as his head, then lets it drop into the pot, which knocked out the bottom of it; presently in comes the wife with the water, and pours it into the pot, which set the fireside all in a dam, for still as she poured in, it ran out: the wife being short-sighted, or what they call sand blind, looks into the pot, holds up both her hands and cries, ‘Losh preserve me, sirs, for the grip atween the twa holes is broken.’ Says Leper, the pot was old enough; but do you not ken that tailors potage is heavier than other mens. Indeed lad I believe it, but they say ye’re a warlock; its Wednesday all the world o’er, and a waefu’ Wednesday to me indeed, my pot might ha’e served me this fifty year, a sae wad it e’en.
This sport diverted Leper and his lads through the day; and after supper, knowing he was to get some dirty bed, as the cows and the people lived all in one apartment, he choose rather to go home; and knowing the moon was to rise a little after midnight, he sat by the fire, told them many a fine story to drive away the time, and bade the wife make the bed to see how it might be: to save candle she made it in the dark, directly on the floor behind where they sat, shaking down two bottles of straw; a calf which chanced to be lying on that place, and which the wife did not notice was covered with the straw, and the bed clothes spread over it. The most of the family being in bed, the wife told them to go to bed also, but Leper knowing of the calf, said I’ll make my bed come to me, on which the wife began to pray for herself and all that was in the house; so up he gets his elwand, and gives a stroke on the bed which caused the brute to rise, and not seeing where to go, it fell a crying and turned round, which set the whole house a roaring out murder in their own tongue. The goodwife ran to the bed above the goodman, and the whole family cried out, not knowing what it was; but Leper and his two lads whipt off the blankets, and the brute ran in among the rest unperceived; then Leper lighted a candle, and all of them got out of bed, paid Leper for his work, and more if he pleased, and begged him to go away, and take the devil with him. So home he went, but never was employed by that wife any more.
Leper had a peal of the best customers both in town and country; so one time he had occasion to go to the parish of Inchinan, to make a wedding suit for a gentleman, after they were finished he desired drink money for his lads, which the gentleman refused: Leper resolved to be even with him, so he goes to the hay loft where the groom slept, and takes his stockings, breeches, and jacket, sewed them together, and stuffs them full of hay; makes a head, puts a rope about the neck, and hangs it on a tree, opposite to the lairds window; then goes to the laird and tells him that his groom had hanged himself, and that if he would open his window he would see him hanging; the laird was struck with astonishment, and knew not what to do; Leper advises him to bury him privately. The laird said he had not a servant he could trust, so begged Leper to do it. Leper refuses, till the laird promises him a load of meal, then Leper pulls out all the hay out of the groom’s clothes; goes and gets his load of meal, and sends it to Glasgow,—then goes to the groom, and says, lad thy master is wanting thee. So the lad in all haste runs to see what his master wanted, the laird no sooner saw him open the door, than he cried out, Avoid thee Satan, avoid thee Satan! The lad says, what’s the matter? Did not you hang yourself this morning? Lord forbid! said the lad. The laird says if thou be an earthly creature, take that tankard and drink: which he did; then says he to his master, Leper called me up, and said you wanted me in all haste. Ho, ho, said the laird, I find out the story now, if I had Leper I would run my sword thro’ him; but Leper before that was gone for Glasgow with his meal.
Leper was in use to give his lads their Sunday’s supper, which obliged him to stay from the kirk in the afternoon, he having neither wife nor servant maid; so one Sunday afternoon as he was cooking his pot, John Mucklecheek, and James Puff-and-blaw, two civileers, having more zeal than knowledge, came upon him, and said—What’s the matter, sir, you go not to the kirk? Leper replied, I’m reading my book and cooking my pot, which I think is a work of necessity. Then says the one to the other, don’t answer that graceless fellow, we’ll make him appear before his betters; so they took the kail pot, and puts a staff through the bools, and bears it to the Clerk’s chamber. Leper who was never at a loss for invention, goes to the Principal of the College’s house, no body being at home but a lass roasting a leg of mutton; Leper says, my dear, will you go and bring me a drink of ale, and I’ll turn the spit till you come back. The lass was no sooner gone, than he runs away with the leg of mutton, which served his lads and him for their supper. When the Principal came home, he was neither to haud nor to bind he was so angry; so on Monday he goes and makes a complaint to the Lord Provost, who sends two officers for Leper, who came immediately. My Lord asked him how he dared to take away the Principal’s mutton? Leper replied, how dared your civileers to take away my kail pot? I’m sure there is less sin in making a pot full of kail, than roasting a leg of mutton, law makers should not be law breakers, so I demand justice on the civileers. The Provost asked him what justice he would have? says he, make them carry the pot back again; and to the Principal, a leg of mutton will not make him and me fall out; so they were forced to carry the pot back again, and Leper caused the boys to huzza after them to their disgrace.
There was a barber who always plagued Leper, and called him prick-the-louse.—Leper resolved to be even with him, so he goes and buys three sheep heads, and sends for the barber, and told him, that there were three fine Southland gentlemen just come to his house, which much wanted to be shaved, and he assured him he would receive sixpence for each one of them;—this good news made the shaver send for a dram;—Leper was still praising them for quiet good natured gentlemen. So Leper takes him to the bed where the sheep heads lay covered, and desired him to awaken them for they would not be angry, or say an ill word to him, the barber lifts the covering and sees the sheep heads, runs out cursing and swearing, and Leper crying after him, sheep head barber.
The barber resolved to be revenged on Leper, so when he was shaving Mess John, he tells him that Leper was the drunkenest fellow in the parish. So Mess John warns him to the session; Leper comes and says, what do you want with me, Sir? Come away Leper, says Mess John, I hear a bad report of you; me Sir, I am sure they were not my friends that told you that.—Indeed, I am informed you are a drunkard.—I a drunkard you have not a soberer man in your parish: stop Sir, I will tell you how I lead my life—in the morning I take a choppin of ale and a bit of bread, that I call my morning; for breakfast I generally take a herring and a choppin of ale, for I cannot sup brose like my lads; the herring makes me dry, so at eleven hours I take a pint, and sometimes three choppins; at supper I take a bit of bread and cheese and a pint, and so go to bed. Mess John says, its extravagant Sir, its excessive drinking, I allow you one half of it for a quarter of a year. Says Leper, I’ll try it, Sir, and come back and tell you. At the end of the quarter he draws out his account, and goes to Mess John, who was sitting with his elders in the Session-house, and says; Sir I have a demand on you; on me, Sir; Yes, on you, Sir; don’t you remember you allowed me so much drink for a quarter of a year and I want the money. Am I to pay your reckoning, Sir. You allowed it, and if you wont pay it I’ll take you before the Provost. The elders advised him to pay it or he would be affronted; so Leper got the money. When he was at the door, he says, Sir, will you stand another quarter: Get away, says Mess John, and don’t trouble me. Leper says, I am sure you may, for I am always twopence to your penny.
THE END.
ANECDOTES.